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"Just A Phase"?

This started as a comment on someone's post but I feel like it's a big enough a Bi Thing to be worth a blog post!

One of the things people say to us when we come out is "oh, you're just going through a phase". And it's a silencing thing, to get us to shut up about something they maybe don't like hearing or discussing. Or something they say just because it's the only thing they know as received wisdom about being bisexual and they haven't thought it through any further. Either way it's like being patted on the head and told to shush our silly little heads.

Now, one of the things we used to say and write on placards when I was first out and involved with my local bi youth group was "it's not a phase!"

Only I have to admit: sometimes it is. I've known people who for instance when I first met them were lesbians, had a time of identifying as bi, but these days if you asked them they'd most likely say they were straight. Other mixtures other ways round - straight to bi to straight again, bi to lesbian to bi again, or all round the houses like the slow bus that stops everywhere in a loop round your town. I was comparing life stories with a trans friend the other day about how they'd collected the full set of calling themself gay, bi and straight in two genders. Pokemon sexuality!

The thing is though: people who are bisexual for the whole of their lives are bisexual for the whole of their lives. People who are bisexual for only part of their lives are bisexual for that part of their life.

And if you're "only" bi for months or years or decades, where your head and heart are at that time are totally real. Those crushes?  Real crushes.  Those kisses?  Real kisses.  Those orgasms?  Ho yus, And how. Ahem.  Where was I?

Dismissing it as "just a phase"? Well, being a teenager is a phase but it doesn't stop you being a mardy git for a few years. Being pregnant is a phase - a year from now you won't be! - but a plan of just ignoring it and pretending it's not really happening isn't a good idea.

Some of us are bi the whole of our lives, for some people it's a phase - yet if it's a phase so is whatever comes before and whatever comes after and no-one dismisses those as "just phases".

"It's just a phase"?  "Well, maybe it will turn out to be a phase, but it's the truth about who and where I am right now."

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Um, for me I'm Bi. I was straight most of my life and 50%of me is still straight but... there is another 50% that isn't straight. Even if I had a girlfriend, I'd still identify as Bi, not Lesbian. To Me, I'm truly Bi.


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@softfruit I enjoyed this perspective thanks for that! I've often pondered this very thing- I definitely feel shifts in phases - and I still haven't figured out what that would make my "label" - the two thought trails I have in my own head are the one you described above vs is it sometimes just a shift in the dial with where you sitting on the Kinsey scale...I haven't fully concluded in my own head but what I have decided is that I have the ability to be attracted to both sexes, and when something is sparking an attraction to a female, the dial shifts higher and vice versa... a part of me wonders if I'll ever identify as fully straight again knowing that I'm open to attraction regardless of gender but I'm at peace with not having a definitive answer on this one : )


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@Shy_Kat Oh gosh yes even within being bi I have had lots of phases!  Mostly I find that whoever I'm dating that becomes more my "type", as if the sex bit of my brain starts to associate someone who looks like =whatever= with sexytimes in a kind of feedback loop.

Now and then I get moments of doubt but rewatching the right seasons of Buffy soon reassures me I'm into at least some men and some women.

Technically I suppose even if we've been bi since forever, we'll never know for sure if it's a phase til we die.


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12 hours ago, Vampire said:

Even if I had a girlfriend, I'd still identify as Bi, not Lesbian. To Me, I'm truly Bi.


Sadly I meet quite a few people whose partners seem to pressure them with a "you used to be bi but now you're with me" which ...agh!


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