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inner thoughts



   Its been a long time since I wrote in an online blog. I always tend to keep my thoughts to myself or in my journals. Even then I feel like I have to shelter those thoughts in risks that my husband will read them. Its quite sad for me to not be able to express myself because I'm afraid that people might not be interested. I stay silent, always listening and being that friend always there for another. I can't even open myself up to another woman because I'm afraid that somehow and in some way my husband will find out. I thought I had one friend that I could trust with anything and yet the things I told her in private somehow got back to him. Then I'm made to feel guilty for my thoughts and not sharing the same sentiment as him that there should be no secrets between us and that I should only ever go to him and no one else about my personal feelings and issues. 
   I'm worried and afraid to put myself out there and make a friend. One valuable and that I can tell anything to. Only because I don't think its fair for them to have to see me go through this never ending cycle and have to understand that there will be days that I won't be able to talk to them. It doesn't seem fair at all. Yet I crave it. A woman that I can talk to openly about anything that goes through my head. Even if we don't share the same opinions, it would still be nice to just speak my mind. 

  I know I'm rambling again but I think this is best for me. If I can't put my thoughts elsewhere, maybe they'd be safe here. 

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