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my journey



   I didn't always know that I was bi. I had clues about it growing up. Like once I pretended I didn't know the difference between a cube and a cylinder in elementary because I thought our sub was really pretty and I was one of the top students in that class. No joke. I literally managed to trick her into thinking that I needed a lot of help. Then in high school there was this girl that I had a crush on. Her and I were in different crowds but she always said hi to me and gave me hugs. She was awesome. Nothing really came out of it. Out of fear that she might reject me? Probably. Plus I was confused about my own sexuality. 
   I was never sexually active in high school. I honestly was that girl. The girl that everyone wanted to be friends with but didn't want to taint her innocence. Yes, this was many reasons why guys I was interested looked the other way. They didn't want to be that guy. It sucked but I had a lot of guy friends. They always looked out for me so it wasn't all that bad I suppose. I mean, I learned about masturbation from a book. So even then, I didn't even realize what the fuss was about. I probably could have shown interest in girls. Again though, I pushed away any thought that I could possibly be bi. It just wasn't something that I was willing to admit. Both sides of my families weren't exactly open to that at the time. my cousin thought she was bi. Even dated a girl in high school. But then my aunt sent her to this...therapy group to basically make her see the light? Because one minute she was bi, the next time she wasn't. 
   When I dated my first serious boyfriend, that's when I thought started to really think that I was. But after one bad innocent with my dorm mate, I pretty much stayed silent again. She didn't feel comfortable being in the same room as me. So I basically switched with her friend. I never really admitted my interest anymore after that. I did get into lesbian porn, found it more fascinating than straight porn. My reason always being is that I had a guy to have sex with. So I know the fuss when it comes to that. But not when it comes to being with another woman. Though I never actively tried to find another woman to have fun with. I just kept things to myself because I felt like I wasn't all that interesting. My current relationship pretty much shut me down to be open with anyone. At least at the start of the relationship, he's at times open for me to talk to someone else as long as he knows who that person is. Still I don't really tell him all that much. He tends to judge fairly quickly. I have a friend who is a healthy poly relationship. She has her husband and her boyfriend and they're slowly getting more active in poly activities. I talked to my husband once about her. Big mistake. So i never said anything again.
   Recently after the loss of my grandfather, I've started to realize that I'm not happy with my current situation. I would love to have someone to connect with on an emotional level. But as I said in my previous blog entry, I don't know if I will be able to meet someone. I'm not giving up hope. But I'm also a realist? I think that's how you spell that.  I'm married and have a son who will probably rely on me the rest of his life. I don't want anyone to ever feel burdened by being my friend. Which hurts for me to say. 

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