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Hi Ladies

SPOILER ALERT: If affairs and cheating are going to trigger you, this isn't the post for you. Sorry!!!  Also, this is long. Like Super long, So either settle in, or move along... On the bright side if you happen to be an insomniac late night scrolling..... you may fall asleep before the end. Haha 

I have just found my way back to this site, after quite a long period away from it, and reading my old posts it all feels so far away from where we are now. I am still married to my husband, who is a wonderful loving and patient man. We are still hoping to find a girlfriend to share in our love and life. Hopefully this possibility opens more, not less, with the passage of time as the children get older and require less from us. Our youngest is only 8 at the time of writing this though, so we still have considerable time left before she has any form of life of her own. 

So, nothing ever did eventuate between myself and the braless flirty friend with whom I was feeling "hopeful." Haha In fact, sadly, our friendship didn't last because in the end I felt she was using me, playing games and exploiting my feelings for her. On the other hand, teacher did come back into my life, which surprised me hugely, I thought that was done and dusted. It wasn't easy to navigate, and I can't lie and say we are completely healthy with one another, a few unhealthy patterns still exist between us, and I'm not completely sure I'm over her. I mean, I am, but were she to try something, I couldn't promise I wouldn't go there. In any case, we have developed healthy attachments too at this point, and I do feel like she is one of my closest friends at the moment. I am grateful for second chances there, however as far as I know she remains 100% heterosexual and not interested in me. Lol She is going through IVF to have a baby on her own, and I will be interested to see if her becoming a mother impacts our bond in any way. I still don't expect a romantic relationship. 

Anyway, at some point after this I guess, we met Nurse. We started chatting to her online and eventually agreed to meet up. Nurse didn't really look like her pictures, to be honest, she knew how to work the camera angles to say the least, but I actually liked her more in person. Her body wasn't perfect and I prefer that because mine sure isn't. I took her out, and she held my hand proudly in public, introduced me to her friends and seemed really into me. She also spent time with hubby alone, although not as much as with me, and the relationship seemed to work.... except she didn't want kids, and to be honest didn't seem to like ours. That was always going to be an issue because we are a family so if you want to be part of that life, there is no avoiding it. Example we were planning to take her on a cruise with us, but she didn't want us to take the kids. I understand this, surely it would be better without them... but we have nobody who is going to watch them so we can take our lover on holiday! haha I wish! Lol 

Anyway, that wasn't the reason it ended, although it would have been, ultimately had something else not ended it first. Her ex came into the picture and caused drama's, there was broken trust, and after that she seemed to spend more time apologising for letting us down than making it up to us. She stood me up at least once, and cancelled hubbys birthday celebration trip away in favour of a trip with said ex boyfriend. Although she was open minded, I think essentially she decided a relationship with just one person was better for her than with a couple. (I realise I make us sound blameless in this story, which is unfair on her. Due to our responsibilities at home, we were often unflexible, and uninteresting to someone who wanted to party etc....)

I was upset at the loss of that relationship for what it represented more than the person as such. It lasted around 6 months. I know.... half a year? But it gave me hope that with the right person maybe it could work because there wasn't really too many jealousy issues there or anything, it worked well. We all enjoyed our alone time and our threesomes. Hehe :) It spurred me on to find someone else. 

I joined a dating site for lesbians, essentially, and I met Postie. Postie was a wonderfully attractive lesbian, although she lived with her male partner also. I was so thrilled to meet someone in a similarly complicated situation. Although I always wondered if Postie was attracted to me, I didn't feel I was good enough for her, and so we never took it there. She did try to a few times when she was drunk... but the fact that she needed beer goggles before I was naked filled me with fear. Anyway, postie and I became very close friends for a while and to this day I miss her alot. Postie was still on the dating sites too and I enjoyed her stories of relationships with different women, although I was jealous that she could have those relationships with women to herself and not share them with her man. women dropped at her feet. It was amazing to watch. Postie was a player! Lol It was very interesting to see, however I didn't realise it was jading my opinions of her and I was probably unfairly judging her. In the end she met Clerk. Her and Clerk were just friends, and she introduced me to Clerk too. Clerk and I became friends. Clerk was not a player, she was sweet and gentle in nature like me and I felt she heard the things I did not say. She understood me. I loved Clerk easily and quickly. Nothing ever happened between Clerk and I, aside from harmless flirting, for 2 main reasons. Firstly Clerk was a gold star lesbian, which I learned means has never been with a man and never intends to be with one. So she could not be what I hoped. Secondly, Clerk was pretty taken with Postie. Although they were only friends and Postie told me multiple times all the reasons whys she would never date Clerk romantically, and how Clerk was not good enough for her... eventually they hooked up anyway. Postie asked me to lie to Clerk on several occassions and eventually I had to remove myself from that situation because I did not believe Postie was going to be good to Clerk. Postie and I argued about something trivial, and very nasty words were spoken on both sides, until no words were ever spoken again. I lost Clerk in the battle too. My Facebook stalking indicates that they are still happy and very much in love, over a year later, so maybe I misjudged that situation and let go of 2 very meaningful friendships over nothing. I regret not minding my on business. 

Alas, I stayed on the sites and eventually met Bellydancer. Bellydancer is stunning, but again, out of my league, besides which I don't think we have enough in common to sustain more than a friendship nor the emotional capacity that each of us requires. Bellydancer had a husband too, but over the time I have known her she has separated from him and pursued women exclusively. I value her as she is open minded. She has dated couples before although isn't currently interested in men at all. 

I was talking to one of my straight friends about Bellydancer and how disappointing it was that Bellydancer and I couldn't have more spark, as I was attracted to her and she has dated couples. On paper it seemed to have potential. My friend, Life Coach, seemed very curious and interested in our situation and began flirting with me. It seemed she saw Bellydancer as competition even though I was clear nothing was happening there. Coach had recently lost lots of weight and had some surgery to help her feel better about her body. I suspect she liked the attention and was getting her quota of all the attention she missed out on when she was younger. Coach has a husband, however they were on rocky terms as he had recently caught her cheating. That doesn't make what happened next ok, and I know that. Hubby and I embarked on an affair with coach for about a year. While I wasn't cheating on my husband, it was an affair in that her husband did not know about it. It was not heavily sexual as she had alot of guilt about her marriage and many body issues. I think she justified to herself that being with me was not cheating as I am female, and being with him didn't count if he didn't penetrate her. (I think that only ever happened once although they kissed and were intimate in all the other ways)  It was a strange affair, heavily emotional, dysfunctional sexual, and intermittently overly affectionate. It met her need for attention and met my need for intimacy with a woman. (NOTE Her previous affair was similarly dysfunctional and she blamed him for being with a married woman. She took no responsibility for her choices. You can guess how this became relevant later, right? Yeah. I saw it coming, although that doesn't make it easier!) 

At first my husband was ok with things, but as she gradually pulled away from him he became increasingly jealous and despondent about me seeing her alone, even on non sexual terms. This was difficult to navigate as she was my friend and we had always enjoyed time together alone before this. She really pulled away after my birthday weekend in August, where we went away together but did not get intimate because my husband was very ill and I had just had surgery and then put my back out. I think she felt very rejected by this, and I regret the timing of it all but it couldn't be helped. I tried hard to maintain something and sometimes we were friends and sometimes we were more than friends.... and the uncertainty ruffled me. I couldn't deal with it - I found I'd spend our meetings together longing for her to take my hand, while she didn't seem to even notice I existed. I would try and hold her hand but increasingly she rejected it. We went to the outdoor cinema and she ignored my advances and told me about a woman who had kissed her that weekend when she was drunk. I did wonder if I was meant to be jealous, but she made it seem like this advance was unwelcome and so we laughed it off... I wasn't sure how to feel. I took her on a date to a dayspa and when I tried for the final time to be intimate with her she said there were cameras and I was making her uncomfortable. (She hadn't cared about this earlier in our entanglement) I chose to take the hint that the relationship had run it's course. I cried that whole week but vowed not to make her tell me she didn't want me anymore, as it may break our friendship and she shouldn't have to feel guilty for her feelings. The next time we caught up she told me she had never felt happier. It was a kick in the guts. I pulled back emotionally. 

Coach felt this. She was angry with me at one point even snapping and calling me a lazy mole. I laughed that off too, but I wasn't sure why she was so angry with me when it appeared she was the one who didn't want this anymore and was saying hurtful things while I was trying my hardest to protect our friendship at great expense to myself. The last time we saw each other she informed me she was getting with a friend from work and her husband. She told me how they fooled around and she lost her earring and how she was hoping to plan sleepovers with this other woman now that her husband was working away. Finally it all made sense, why she had lost interest in me, although why she is angry with me is still unclear. She blames me I guess.  We have a standing catch up, weekly. I was dreading the last one because I felt she was only going to tell me about this new couple and their kinky weekend together, but then she cancelled on me.  This was a relief. We hardly spoke after that. I did see her pull into my driveway and creep back to the car and quickly drive away to deliver my son's birthday card. I thanked her for it without mentioning I saw her deliver it without saying hello. She knew I was home. That hurt. She spoke about her upcoming holidays, didn't ask how I was and we ended the conversation. Today was our 8 year friendship anniversary on Facebook, and neither of us chose to acknowledge it.

I write an anonymous blog  about friendships because I am aware that I have issues with friendships (all the above have failed and that can't be normal! Lol) and I wrote a post about how it is hard to go from being friends with benefits to friends without benefits and she put a sad face on it. I thought maybe that meant she wasn't angry with me anymore, maybe she could empathize that she was hurting me.... we are meant to catch up tomorrow. Neither of us has cancelled - perhaps due to our friendship anniversary, but the fact we chose not to acknowledge it says it all - there is no friendship left there now. I suspect tomorrow will pass and we may never speak again. Sigh. Not for a very long time anyway. This may be better than having an angry ending that is hard to recover from, I'm not sure. 

I guess this is my karma for embarking on an affair with her in the first place, and I will accept accountability for that. She wasn't mine to have, she promised me nothing and that is exactly what she delivered. I will not tell her husband about this or anything like that. I have talked to my husband about it because the sleepover thing bothered me. Even if she had wanted me to sleep over with her, he would not have been ok with that. It has become clear that while I feel secure enough within our marriage to introduce other women and trust he will still choose me, he is filled with dread that I will prefer her, that I will leave him for her, or become resentful if he tries to stop me seeing her. On some level this is valid, however the reason we are doing it this way is so that I don't have to lie, so that I can have both partners and have his blessing to meet the needs in me that a woman can, emotionally, physically and mentally. I don't want him stopping me from seeing her, I want to be free to choose and for them to do the same, which I know will sometimes mean I am also not chosen. 

So, I am still on the sites, looking for a girlfriend for us to share. Someone who wants me and not just my attention. Options are limited and it will probably be a very long time before we meet anyone again. But I am still hopeful, we have learned so much from this, and for now I know I need to find ways to assure my husband that I want this with him not instead of him. Life has no guarantees, but I have no plans of leaving him for a woman. I suspect if I were single, my quest for a woman would be much simpler, it might be easier to leave him and find a her for myself. But that isn't what I want.  

I guess for now I will just have to keep watching You Me Her on Netflix and living vicariously! Lol Who else is loving that show?!!! 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I guess I really just needed to get that all out. I hope next time I read this, all of this will seem like a silly memory from a very long time ago like my previous posts do now! 

If this triggered you and you hate me now for the affair, I apologise. I did warn you! 

<3 Kat xx

PS Yes, I am still looking for new platonic friends too. Sexuality non heterosexual preferred but not essential! :P


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