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  1. 7 points
    In my experience the idea that each person in this world has only one ideal partner is far more common among heterosexuals than gay people. The notion of each person having 'one true love', or 'the One', seems to be an outgrowth of, and the rationale for, the generally held societal notion of heterosexual monogamy and marriage - meeting the one person in the entire world who is our predestined spiritual partner, or 'other half', falling in love, getting married (forming a 'union of two souls'), and procreating (which, in reality, is biologically programmed into us to ensure the survival of the species). In Western culture, this idea comes from the biblical creation narrative of Adam and Eve, in the Book of Genesis, of the Old Testament (Hebrew Bible). The 'Twin Flame' phenomenon that is being propagated online is mainly heterosexual in nature, and seems to be just another version of the idea that we each have one true love, but instead of a union of two souls, it's a reunion of the two parts of one soul (which seems to echo the story of Adam and Eve, in which the latter is made from one of Adam's ribs). Of course, anything is possible, so I'm not dismissing the idea that this sort of compatibility exists, just viewing it critically from a non-heterosexual perspective. Up until recently, homosexual people hadn't been allowed to enter into legal marriage, and even now that we can, and although many who choose not to still subscribe to a monogamous lifestyle and are in a monogamous relationship, there seems to be a far greater tendency to end a relationship that isn't working than there is in heterosexual culture, and despite the fact that our dating pool is far smaller, a much greater awareness that there are 'many other fish in the sea'. I think this perspective has developed over time due to the fact that, having been denied access to legal marriage, we were not subjected to its philosophical (moral) and societal confines, which amount to enforced perpetual monogamy. So, although our non-legal partnerships (i.e. those that don't involve a civil partnership or marriage) may include children and jointly owned property, etc., it's easier to end that type of relationship, because it doesn't involve terminating a legal contract. This is borne out by many gay people (both women and men) I know, who have had long-term partnerships (including cohabitation) with several people in the course of their lifetimes, each one a 'marriage' of sorts (hence, the gay joke about being a 'serial monogamist'). I would argue that for most people, of all sexual orientations, our choice of partner is largely dictated by personal circumstances - where we live and work (location, or geography), our nationality, ethnic origin (and cultural norms), socioeconomic status, profession, etc. This is supported by recent research in the social sciences, which concludes that in Western countries most people's dating habits are based on proximity - meeting a potential romantic partner in the workplace, or within only a ten-mile radius of where they live! However, these days, the Internet facilitates the transcendence of previously limiting factors, such as geographical location, so that we can meet people whom we would formerly probably never have encountered...as so many women do here on Shybi. Ultimately, I think it's safe to say that the reality is that there are probably thousands of people, possibly even hundreds of thousands, with whom each of us are compatible in various ways, and also, as you would expect, that as we change and grow over the course of our lives, that compatibility changes, so that someone who is right for you when you are in your twenties may no longer be right for you later on - a fact that is patently obvious from the heterosexual divorce rates in Western countries. Another obvious indicator is the fact that people often find another partner and/or remarry if their partner/spouse dies, at any age, even in their 80s and 90s. It's really just a matter of whether you are open to the idea that those people are out there. This perspective may not seem as romantic as the ideal of 'the One', but I would argue that it's far more exciting, as it opens up myriad possibilities in life.
  2. 7 points
    I completely agree with you in that for a lot of married women, it starts with the idea of wanting another married woman. Someone who is in a similar situation, someone who will understand. Someone to have an emotional, and occasionally, physical connect with, whilst still having the comfort of your marriage. Plus, she's married too, so it'll be easy, she'll completely understand, right? Then the above just falls into place with someone you have got to know, at first it's amazing and exciting. Building this connection with someone who understands, someone who feels the same. But then feelings grow as you get to know one another. All of a sudden you're thinking about her more than you think about your husband. Then you meet, and everything you experienced online together is doubled. Being with her, touching her, being intimate with her feels more right than you ever thought it would be. Then there's the reality. The situation you thought you would be okay with has turned into way more than you expected. You've fallen in love with her, but you're married. But this was suppose to be what you both longed for? You thought this would make you happy? Only now she's all you can think about. You can't forget what it was like being with her, and you know she is what you want. But you're both married. Then you realise she's not ready for what you want, and you have to make some tough decisions. I think experiences and time both change our ideal, mainly because we learn more about what we want, and about what truly makes us happy. What I do know is the road to discovering what is our ideal is can be confusing and painful, but can also bring amazing experiences and happiness. I like the way @blueberry put it. Although I'm currently married, my relationship with my girlfriend is not my primary or secondary relationship. It's our relationship, and to me, it's just as important
  3. 7 points
    Thank you for starting this thread and sharing your story. You are a brave woman that are capable to love and to love again despite of the heartaches. I am sorry for what you are going through now. Like what the woman who has captivated my heart always say, "this, too, shall pass." I could have said this. Thank you @Cute&Curious. Like you, my responses to this question about ideal has changed from time to time through my experiences and interactions with few women recently. I no longer have an ideal situation as well. I also stopped and avoided this phrase, "if I could, then I would..." Nowadays, to enjoy and to be truly present with a woman, I avoid thinking and using labels like "secondary relationship" or "secondary partner." Instead, she's my partner and we have a relationship. Nothing more. Nothing less. I have discovered that what works best for me (so far...) is to enjoy the present and not to worry about the future, because that future may never come anyway. But I still do ask guidance from the universe. I really do. I don't ask for ideal situations because I don't have any in my head and heart. I just asked for a woman to love and to be loved in return. Whatever happens afterwards, I'll deal with it.
  4. 7 points
    I've responded to topics on the 'ideal' several times since joining a couple of years ago, and I seriously doubt any of those responses were the same. The fact is, people change and grow, and our ideals change with experience. I've yet to find what I believe to be my ideal, like many married women, I thought I wanted just what you described above, a secondary relationship with a women while making my marriage my number one priority. Sounds wonderful doesn't it? Except I now know better, if I did manage to achieve this, would it really feel ideal? I highly doubt it. I'd still want more. What good are ideals if they don't line up perfectly with those involved? Ideals aren't always practical or realistic, maybe they aren't meant to be, maybe they're meant to simply guide us through our journeys, helping us understand our wants and needs. I no longer have an ideal, just a better understanding of who I am and what I'm capable of. If it feels right then that's ideal enough for me, but if it isn't enough for those involved, it isn't right for me. I don't need ideal, nor do I need to be ideal, but I do need to be enough.
  5. 5 points
    We hear many people talk about their ideal situation, especially married women who don't have the freedom to have a relationship any other way. For married women, this usually means meeting another married woman, in the same situation, neither wanting to leave their families, both wanting a secondary relationship together while respecting each others primary relationships. It's heart warming, and encouraging to see this working for some, but for me, it ended in heartbreak, twice. I walked into this thinking it was simple and easy. Not realising how deeply and intensely I could fall for her. Both times, guilt took over and she had to make a choice, and of course, husband wins, and rightly so. I'm happy for them, of course, but it's not easy to accept. Did I feel a little used? Yes, probably, but that wouldn't be fair as it's far more complex than that, and I don't doubt that their feelings were genuine. I think we needed to learn something from the experience. For me, I learnt that I was totally comfortable being with a woman, more than I imagined I would be. But my marriage has suffered and I'm on the brink of separation, wondering how my ideal, perfect scenario ended up with me being alone. Personally, I never wanted a secondary partner. I thought I did, but it's not for me. I want a primary one, that I can give my all to, because I just don't know how to balance two relationships. I know I'm capable of loving two people. I still love my husband, and it's because I love him that I know he deserves someone who doesn't want to be shared, so he can feel safe and secure again. He certainly deserves a wife that isn't gay. So now I want to hear your stories.......What is your ideal scenario right now? Have you found it? Are you still searching for it? Did you find it only to find it changed completely once you had it?
  6. 5 points
    A short back story: Came out at 18. Had a few dalliances with guys before that but something just clicked, fell into place and felt so completely right the minute my lips touched another woman's, the moment I breathed in her fragrance, the moment I buried my face in her hair. From then on I never looked back...until now. Why now? Over the years I lost myself in each and every relationship. My fault. I was never really honest with what I needed and tended to mold myself into what I thought each and every partner wanted. All those relationships dissolved and left me wounded and bleeding. There is only so much blood that can flow before I felt like I was about to literally die. Fast forward to almost now....the last relationship with a woman was 6 years ago. This one was the one that broke me, shattered what was left. Am I placing all the blame on her, no, but on me. There were signs I should have left however me being me in this situation, ignored every sign and plowed ahead hoping things would change. I allowed her to treat me the way she did, I invited it actually. Was it some sort of self punishment? Was it all I thought I deserved? Probably both. I dug down so deep I never thought I would see the light of day and left her. That was the day I vowed I would never be in a relationship with another woman. I had resigned myself to being alone the rest of my life instead of enduring something I seemed to have no control over. I looked at my past with women and saw it as an addiction of sorts. I went so far as to equate women with heroin. The high being with a woman was like I have read a heroin user describe the feeling of the drug coursing through their veins. There is no recreational use of heroin. There is only addiction that spirals down into a deep dark place that feels like walking through knee deep mud in the bitter cold. I could not control the way I acted once I had my taste of the woman of my desire. It was like I tied off my heart and she injected her beauty, her essence right into my veins, giving me the elation, the warmth, the desire that is, to me, overwhelmingly addictive, I had zero ability to see rational signs of good or bad. The craving for that feeling never left the entire time I was with a woman. When I left or was left, I could only imagine the withdrawal an addict goes through as they battled the need for more of what was so bad in the end for them. Four years ago I met a very nice man, a very gentle, caring and sensitive man and we became very close friends. He was going through all sorts of stuff and we seemed to be able to comfort each other. I poured out my heart to him as I felt safe telling him my story. I then made the choice to step back into the closet and I started dating him. I am still with him and love him very much. Is being with him like heroin? Is it blindingly exciting? Does it make my heart nearly pound out of my chest? Do I crave him? No to all. I love him because he is so good to me, because I make a difference in his life and make him so happy. I tell myself that by making him happy makes me happy and it really does. I really do care for him and do not want to ever hurt him. Just recently I have been craving the touch and desire of a woman. I have no-one I can talk to about this. Hence why I am here. Sometimes it is just good getting it all out. What do I want? I have thought long and hard and have come to the conclusion I want someone who has a life of her own. That to me means a certain level of safety. Meaning I can't have what will never be mine. I want someone to talk to about this, someone that might understand and be in the same boat (minus the gory details), someone that might be able to inject a therapeutic dose of passion, desire and want into me and me do the same for her. This has almost become an overwhelming journey to find this. I find myself looking at every attractive woman everywhere I go. I pass a woman in the store and breath in her perfume. I almost melt if she smiles at me. I have been watching clips of Lost Girl on YouTube for hour after hour getting lost in their beauty and being mesmerized when they kiss. I know what that feels like and I want it. The only way I feel I can have this is to find it with a woman who has her marriage or serious relationship that wants to discover or rediscover the exhilaration of that first kiss, that first feeling of a cool hand on warm skin, the first sound of passion that escapes our lips, I do not want to go to bars, I did all that when I was younger and it holds no appeal now. I guess coming here has me hopeful I can connect with someone that is in a similar situation. Do I think this will be foolproof and that there will be no pain? No, I am not that naive. I can't speak for someone else, however I can say that I will not leave my current situation and I will possibly endure some pain, however never to the level I have felt in the past. I feel more in control as weird as that sounds and possibly I am fooling myself BUT, I will never know if I don't at least try. As a matter of interest I did a lot of work on myself after the last devastating break up. Two years of therapy which really sorted the why I allowed happen, happen. Thank you for this opportunity to vent and to get this heavy load off my chest. I actually feel lighter. I have lurked here for a few weeks and found this entire site to be comforting, welcoming, uplifting and compassionate. I don't feel all alone. I feel I have some hope now. I wish you all a very happy 2019 and to those seeking something that will bring happiness...I hope you find it!
  7. 5 points
    First let me tell you few things about myself and my country. I live in a small greek Christian town.Tradition and religion are the only things that are accepted, there is no choice I assure you . No Gay scene anywhere near I live, no same sex couples and when I say same sex I mean Gay men couples because Gay women and the bi term doesn't even exists in the thoughts here.Hell, I didn't even know the term up until I joined shy. Now about myself. I am married with a kid and living a double life as you said and that's for the reasons you yourself said again.I am so deep in the closet that I will reach Narnia soon. And I don't see this changing soon and now we go to what you asked me. I can never come out,here because I know that my entire family would prefer to say to everyone I am dead than Gay, imagine if I show up holding a woman's hand.My mother would make me leave and do whatever I want as long as no one where I live knows anything. That means I will have to go and never return and leave my nieces, my sister and I know I would never see them again, especially my parents. Not going to be accepted. As for if I could hold my girlfriends hand ask her to tell you how she felt when I went to visit her and she tried to hold my hand in public and I got scared and surprised and pulled it away. Ask me how shitty I felt afterwards for myself, for her and for the entire system with those ideas that is making us so scared. Despite all that I refuse to give up or overthink about the "homophobic" behaviors and thinking and let them suck me in and internalize the fear they are hoping. Because if I do that I won't be better than them, saying the same over and over again like an old broken gramophone. I refuse to stop dreaming and hoping . I refuse to see the world only through their eyes. I endured moking and words I won't forget only by doing something as simple as messaging here, by doing something that disturbed the routine I had them used . I gave my battles for what I have right now and it might seem little or nothing to some but means everything for me and I simply refuse.
  8. 5 points
    Is it okay to be promiscuous? A floozy? Ideally, I’d like a bunch of lesbian friends who use me as their plaything. Failing that, I’d like a bunch of lesbian friends who accept me for who I am (minus the sex, not the prefered option but still a good option). I don't want to do anything that jeopardizes the relationship I already have. I don’t believe in magical relationships, I believe in give and take, and the notion that relationships require constant work, care and attention. So a bunch of lesbian friends would be nice.
  9. 5 points
    I have, without a doubt, met the love of my life. Things I never would've- or could've - committed to in past relationships were just no brainers with her. I've moved over 2000 miles from home just so we could start a new life together. Every day is an adventure with her by my side. Meeting and marrying my wife was the best thing to ever happen to me. Our sons were the icing on the cake.
  10. 5 points
    I thought it would be a long time before I'd be posting this but I guess it goes to show that you never know what can happen. Last night, just before bed, my husband found out about me. I was on my tablet and he was on the shared laptop we both use. Somehow, he came across this forum. I've no idea how as I always make sure that I close all tabs and I always use incognito mode. Anyway, out of the blue, he asks me what Shybi is although I think he already had a good idea what it was. And then he asks whether I am bisexual and that if I was, he was OK with it. After a few moments, I said that I was. He nodded and smiled and that was that. We just went to bed. I'm both glad and relieved that he now knows and that he seems to be OK with it but I don't know if it'll be mentioned again. Either way, I'm fine with it. I do think there's a chance he may look around the forum and a good chance that he'd realise who I am on here. If he does do that, it's OK as I've nothing to hide now. If he does find me on here, then I'd like him to know a few things. That is why this post may be as much for him as it is for me. I want him to know that - I love him. I'm happy. This attraction to women in no way affects the way I feel about him. It's simply a part of who I am. It has been since I was young and it always will be. I've never acted on these feelings during my time with him, nor have I wanted to. Finally, I came on here so that I could express these feelings in a safe place and knowing that there are lots of women who are just like me. I've had so much help and advice. I continue to come on here hoping that I can help others too, even if it's just in a tiny way. So that's it. Apologies for the long post.
  11. 4 points
    So I thought about this a lot. I kept coming back to this post wanting to answer the question. But I found it rather hard to answer it. Only because at that time, I didn't really know what I wanted. But now that I thought it over, I think I came with a somewhat good answer? I would love to have a friend. Someone that I can share my stories with, someone that I could text no matter what time it is. Someone that can be there for the good times and the bad. A friend that doesn't know my husband, doesn't know any of my other friends. They're just my friend. Someone that I wouldn't have to worry telling people about the things I did or say. Or judge me for things that I've done in the past or present. I just want someone who is there. I can tell them anything and everything. Married, single. Doesn't matter. Just knowing that I have someone, that would be good enough for me.
  12. 4 points
    It seems that so many of us women across the globe take that caregiver role to the point of practically losing ourselves along the way. This thread and the many posts here prove that's true. I value every post because I know there's a woman writing each story who has had some struggles of her own. We get stronger when we share and support one another. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories. I know that at this point, I need to shift the focus to me and take better care of me. I do this by taking Zumba classes and exercising frequently. I even got certified as a Zumba instructor so I can sub for my teachers if needed. I'm rededicating myself to my work, which helps me be more independent. I've got three amazing daughters who make me proud each and every day. They're young adults and they're doing just fine. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for too long, and I just may break away. I'm getting stronger with the help of a great therapist and one very special friend. My advice is to reflect on where you've been, where you are, but most importantly, reflect on where you'd like to go. Develop a plan to get you there. Then get going! Find support, figure out what you need, and find it.
  13. 4 points
    Well I am new here not sure what I’m doing. Or how to even approach another female. I just know that I followed along with what was considered “normal” my whole life. After I was pregnant with my second child I noticed I a bit of an attraction to other women. Confused? Lost? I’m not sure. I am married, wondering, but still find myself attracted to certain women.
  14. 4 points
    I'm glad this thread has opened up again. This is me. And it's been totally my own decision to be like that especially in regards to my children. I've no regrets about putting them first at all even at the expense of being able to do things for me. They're like my friends as well as my daughters and I enjoy every moment spent with them. However, now that one has moved out and the other is becoming more independent every day, I'm beginning to think about myself more and about what I want to do. My husband has always done that and, again, it was my decision to let him and for me to be OK with it. It's baby steps at first though. The other evening, he suddenly said how much time I was spending chatting on WhatsApp to someone. He was right. I do spend a lot of time talking to her. We proceeded to have a conversation about it. Just a short while ago, I probably would have thought that maybe it was too much and that I should cut down on this time spent chatting with her. I don't feel that way now though. I like talking to her. We have really enjoyable and interesting conversations on WhatsApp. She makes me smile and laugh and makes me feel good. I'm not willing to stop this in any way. This is the start of my time now. And, it feels great.
  15. 4 points
    I think life and relationships, to an extent, can be as easy or as hard as you make them. Alot of the time we get treated how we allow someone to treat us. If you're entering into a relationship with a woman expecting to be treated like a 'second class citizen', you're almost devaluing your relationship from the start. You're right, things can be hard as a same sex couple, and there are challenges to face. But the reward of being in a loving relationship with a woman, far far outweigh all the possible negatives in my personal opinion. Unfortunately homophobia exists, and it always will. There will always be someone who hates. But this applies to everything in life, not just sexuality. Things are changing, the changes may be slow, but they're still there. My first relationship with a woman was 15 years ago. At times I was made to feel like it was wrong, I was called names, and I lost friends. I thought I deserved those things because of my choice to have a girlfriend. I believed I was doing something wrong. When the relationship ended, I started going out with a man, and it surprised me how easy it was. No one made me feel bad for being with him, or holding his hand in public, it was eye opening. Unfortunately due to my experiences, I developed internalised homophobia. This in turn lead to some harmful patterns of behaviour whenever I became intimate with women. When you surround yourself with all the negative views about being in a same sex relationship, you sometimes start believing them to be true. Yes, there will be times when you hold your girlfriends hand in public and some moron makes a remark. Yes you may have to listen to homophobic views from time to time, but it's much much less tolerated than it ever has been. You should try to be proud of who you are and who you love. So, to your question. Yes a relationship with a man can be very easy. Lot of the things you raised will not be issues of any kind. However, what other issues would you face instead? If you're in a relationship with a man, when you really want a woman, then no it will not be easier. Try not to get caught up on all the negatives, a womans' love can be wonderful.
  16. 4 points
    Just going by the title... I have deep (but not deeper) feelings for women, but choose hetero relationships. It's not a competition for me. I choose my husband who isn't perfect, who doesn't make me weak at the knees (that tends to fade over time in any relationship). I choose companionship, trust, balance, negotiation, honesty, good memories, shared secrets, stability and shared dreams over NRE (just because she happens to be a woman). I'm happy for those who have both f/m partners. I'm happy for people being happy with whomever they choose.
  17. 4 points
    I can be so clueless when it comes to having women flirting with me. I always err on the side of not. The only time I was certain was in a restaurant. I was there with a male friend and she was our server. I mean the eye contact was intense. She never even looked at him. She would walk by and smile. I think I acted like a complete dolt and was so freaking nervous. Even my friend picked up on it and said..."you realize she is hitting on you, right?". I knew she was but still did not really admit it to myself. I always get nervous and think I am interpreting it the wrong way or just wishful thinking.
  18. 4 points
  19. 4 points
    @lsroses, I was saddened reading your story, particularly where you say “wondering how my ideal, perfect scenario ended up with me being alone.” I am so very very sorry. I have pondered your question…. What is my ideal scenario? I pondered it for quite some time, because I knew it would be far too facile of me to say “I am in my ideal scenario right now” and then proceed to wax poetic about my wonderful husband, that is to say, my best friend of 31 years who happens to be my husband. No, just saying that would be too facile. Because it is more complicated than that. But I struggled to put my finger on why I could not simply just reply “my current situation is my ideal.” No, that is not quite right. Words are so very imprecise sometimes. We all will use a word where we mean a particular intended meaning, but so often words are like a window pane of glass that was once a perfectly clear and clean thing, but bit by bit it gets speckled with dust and dirt and perhaps scratches and imperfections until it has become something else. That is the case with words sometimes, they get a “buildup” added to them, that alters them into something else. And I think that is the case with the word “ideal.” I looked up its dictionary definition (such is my nerdy precise nature) and discovered there were several definitions but one of them was this: “existing only in the imagination; desirable or perfect but not likely to become a reality.” And that made me smile a sad smile. Because you see, I think whatever situation we end up in....is what we make of it, how we perceive it, how we choose to experience it….but who is to say if any of that is actually “real” in a metaphysical sense. Do we ever really “know” another person in our lives? I have long suspected we don’t – we can’t – all we have, all we can ever have, is our “perception” of that person. All we ever have is our “perception” of our given situation. I basically perceive my situation of the past 30 years of marriage as a basically happy and fulfilling one. Basically. But “ideal”? Oh my no, I realize that it is not….simply by virtue of that dictionary definition. My imagination could take wing and fabricate all sorts of “ideals”, which would certainly include my husband in the picture (I truly could not live without him, best friend that he is to me) but it would also include a woman I could love, a deep and true love built upon friendship and common interests, and who would love me, and it would be in all aspects of that word, including, naturally, a fantastic sexual relationship, fulfilling for me those needs and desires and fantasies that my husband could not fulfill. My ideal would be a world where everybody functioned according to the principles of “compassion and forgiveness”, a world where everyone recognized each other’s inner failings and weaknesses and longings and desires, and did not judge them for these things. My ideal would be a world where each human heart could be set completely free to express and give that love freely, without the imposition of artificial and unnatural constraints devised by society. Oh that would be my ideal. But, by definition, an “ideal” cannot actually exist -- complications would get in the way sooner or later, even if we tried to make it into a reality, as your story @lsroses so clearly shows. An “ideal” is perfection, and there is no such thing as perfection in the real world. And that…. I think…..is the key to happiness: Let go of “ideal.” There is a quote from one of my favorite episodes of the TV show "The X-Files” the episode called “Je Souhaite”, retelling that classic story device of the genie who could grant three wishes. But Mulder asks the sad genie what she herself would wish for and she says: “I’d wish that I’d never heard the word wish before….I’d wish that I could live my life moment by moment ….enjoying it for what it is instead of worrying about what it isn’t…I’d sit down somewhere with a great cup of coffee and I’d watch the world go by.” I am wishing you all the best @lsroses, and hoping you can find a way to enjoy your life for what it is and not worry about what it isn’t. Ohhhh if we could all do that......wouldn't that be nice?
  20. 4 points
  21. 4 points
    Well I greatly admire you for standing your ground, and please, by all means, carry on being you. I just think it would be more considerate to try and tone it down, for the sake of keeping this site a lighthearted, happy, and safe place to be, for everyone, old and new. I believe your delivery could be viewed as derogatory and insulting to those that still believe it. And providing a link with "bullshit" in the title, only makes that worse, to me anyway. If you're offended by that, it's up to you, I'm going to say it anyway It sounds like you've had a terrible experience of spirituality, and I'm sorry about that. I had a terrible experience of Christianity for the first 20 years of my life. Some even call it a cult. I walked away and I'm happier for it. It seems like every belief system has people that will manipulate it to suit themselves, resulting in frauds, fakes, cults, extremists etc. It's how many religions are born!! And I agree, it's awful. We just have to choose whether to believe them or walk away. In answer to the opening question....I think there are many potential great loves that enter our lives. I thought I'd found "the one" in my husband. I had no doubt whatsoever. I knew it when I married him and I still believe that. I just think that we meet certain people to serve a purpose, or help us grow. I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago. So maybe now I'm ready to meet another "one" Twin flames?......Maybe it's true, maybe it's been romanticised and people get their hopes up only to be disappointed when they don't meet. Or maybe you meet someone that you click with on every possible level and you simply search for an answer or title to such an electric, magical, connection, and TF fits perfectly. No one can be 100% certain on anything. Just hold onto perfection if it comes your way.
  22. 4 points
    My wife and I started off married to men... No intention to leave our husbands, On paper it all made sense. We fell in love, crazy, complete love. That love you can't share. We couldn't have our husbands anywhere near us anymore. Fast forward 5 years, we are both long divorced from our husbands, married to each other, crazy happy and life is in the best place.
  23. 4 points
    Just to throw my opinion in here - I don't believe in destiny, love of my life, twin flame or anything like that. I'm a boring engineer and I believe we're just bags of chemicals who form bonds with people around us. That's not to say I don't feel love, passion and loss just the same. I just think there are things we can do to stoke the flames and nurture feelings. I believe there are thousands of people who could be the love of each person's life. You just need to find one such person and do everything right to allow love and respect to develop and to maintain it. Sometimes you can do everything right, but life throws in a curveball which changes everything. Then a perfect match might no longer be the right person. Anyway - that's how I feel about it.
  24. 4 points
    My husband gave me a coffee mug with a picture of a dragonfly on it. I am enchanted. #1 He knows how much I love dragonflies. #2 It's a symbol of his love and acceptance of the transformation and growth that I'm experiencing now. I don't mean this post as gloating. I mean to share that the good place is possible. We didn't start out this happy, and it took a lot of work to get here (and six years.) Don't give up hope, Ladies. Whatever you dream for your relationship is possible.
  25. 4 points
  26. 4 points
    Here comes the snow, just in time for tomorrow
  27. 4 points
    Jo, I have to agree with @Rani. You are not a bad person! You are an incredibly brave woman. My husband found out about my talking with women in pretty much the same manner as you. And his reaction was pretty much the same. He did find out what about this site, and he can look at it all he wants, but he doesn’t know my screen name or my password. But, after her found out about me on this site, I took it a step further, though, and told him that I am bisexual. The fallout from this has been tough. On him, on me, and on the most wonderful woman i met on this site that has become extremely important to me, my gf. We have yet to meet, but I we talk almost daily and we text all of the time. She is very supportive and has helped me through a lot of tears and a lot of aggravation. Without her support and without people I have met on this site, things would have been much more challenging. I applaud you for doing what you need to do for you. Continue to be strong and to reach out to all of us that absolutely understand you.
  28. 4 points
    I just love this idea, either being the older woman, or with someone older. I would never have considered an age difference with a woman, in my younger years. But, now I feel so open and free. It's been coming on gradually these last few years from listening to other bi women. For whatever reason, I used to believe that no woman would be interested in either older or younger, but men were down for both. I think a lot of women expect that other women will be more judgemental about wrinkles or flabby tummies or whatever "imperfections." But when I ask myself if I feel that, I remember that I love other women. I find those things just variations that make women interesting. It's men that are "so visual," as they never tire of telling us. And yet, I don't think a man would reject me over my flecks of gray hair. I wonder if we've got it all backwards and are afraid of something that's not even true. Straight women may compete with other women for men's attention, and perhaps that filters through to us, or dominates the narrative. But, in my real life, bi women are so accepting and adoring of other women. I'd love for that to expand and grow. It'd be healthier for straight women, if it did.
  29. 3 points
    When I first joined this site in 2010, I was in a relationship with a young man. Engaged, in fact. There were... many reasons why we shouldn't have been together, but that didn't stop either of us from 'trying'. However, we split up once I finally decided that I couldn't stand living with his thumb pressed down on Me, every day. I'll save (most of) the ancient history but suffice to say, he wanted a woman that I was/am not. I've been openly out as bisexual since 14, so he knew about this part of Me pretty much from day 1. After we got more serious (and his ultra-possessive nature kicked in), he set firm limits for My self-exploration. He was uncomfortable with Me just being 'alone' with another man pretty much from the beginning - even if the meeting was in public place and involved studying for an exam. That fear magically started to apply to women as well during My second year of college, four years after we got together. I know that for relationships to work, all sides must compromise at some point or another. Fear and insecurity can plague even the strongest relationships, from time to time. But there were so many red flags that I ignored because I'd convinced Myself that I needed to be the woman he wanted... Not the woman I actually was/am. I tried so many ways to make the relationship work, even playing the role of a submissive. Talk about trying to shove a square peg in a round hole... But I'll get to that some other time. The real problem - for My side, at least - was that I did not recogize or respect My own value. The last few months of our relationship felt like poorly-placed dominoes as I tried to reconcile (what I thought was) love and the personal anguish I felt, trying to keep it all together. Start, stop. Start, stop... One day, something finally clicked in Me. I saw My reflection and knew it wasn't what or who I wanted to see. Something had to change. As 'luck' would have it, he had a tantrum about something unrelated to us that day... and for some reason, threatened to take away My engagement ring (for the third time in a year). That was it, for Me. I told him it was over and that I deserved respect from My partner - not threats. I've rarely felt such strong surges of assurance that I was making the right decision, than on that day. I made some hard choices to sever our seven year relationship. It was a hellish experience but it was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was tough readjusting but it didn't take long to see the fruits of honesty and self-awareness. I started living healthier, losing weight, and surrounding Myself with friends who'd previously lost interest in the person I had become. The entire transition was a real eye opener. Five years later, My life feels like it belongs to a totally different person than the one I was when I joined here. Even though I was open about My desires and identity back then, I was forcing Myself to cover up the results of those desires and that identity in 'real life'. I let him (and Myself) force Me into believing that I couldn't truly... Be. No longer am I under that impression. Since rejecting that notion, I've tackled many goals. I moved out of state. I acquired two degrees, and now I'm working on getting the third. I met a man who loves Me for Me - and now we've been married for two years. We have had our ups and downs which I'm sure I'll likely mention at some point. Long story short, he encourages My exploration and supports My endeavors. Seeing as how this is already a novella, I'll end with this... It changed My life to realize I needed to be Myself. It's such an obvious need but it amazes Me how many of us cover up our true selves in order to please others... to our own detriment. I shared a bit about My story here to let others know: if you're fighting yourself, there's likely a bigger reason than you may realize. Honesty is excruciatingly difficult sometimes, but in My case... That pain was My saving grace. I hope if you are seeking your truth, you persevere to find it. The journey can be so worthwhile, especially if you find someone who wants the real you.
  30. 3 points
    Compatibility. This is very important in a gratifying and fulfilling sexual intimacy. Some two people don’t need to know what makes each other enjoy their sex fully. It happens naturally. Other people have to learn, discover and make an effort to find what fits them before they can finally say that it’s a great climax. Even a couple who are emotionally connected, in loved, don’t necessarily mean that they are sexually compatible. What they do is strive and work on this aspect. Accepting our partner (or the woman you’re dating) with or without fully understanding what’s going on. We don’t have this quality all the time. But if in times that we do, it means that TRYING to understand the woman why she doesn’t like to do certain things or likes very much particular things. It’s okay if one cannot fully grasp the reason straightaway. Sometimes, WISDOM comes at a later part and that’s perfectly okay. But to accept each other’s differences and lack of something can be very tricky if one is too focused on her personal gain in a relationship. Communication and honesty. If you cannot go down to your woman for a myriad of reasons (yes, there are reasons, dear and I’m truly certain that it’s not only that your heart isn’t to it), then you cannot. You’re not alone. Some lesbians do not enjoy going down. Some gay men don’t prefer penetration. Whatever the reasons are, IT’S OKAY. You are not ready for it. You should not force yourself to do it. Talk honestly with your woman about this side of you so that she is aware. If she’s a reasonable woman, she’ll understand that not all people enjoy eating the same food even if majority is crazy about it. And if she’s mature enough, she’ll work with you not antagonise you. Improving oneself. Even if you don’t go down to a woman, there are many ways to satisfy her. But I have questions: what do you want your woman to experience when they’re with you? What kind of experience you want to give her and how you can do it? ANY direct contact with the vagina kills the moment, doesn’t it? Find EXACTLY why and reflect on the reasons. I don’t know where you are at in your sexuality: your being comfortable in your own skin, your confidence, your being true to yourself and truly what you see when a woman (with emotional connection or not) is naked with you. I don’t need to know but these are important aspects that you can ask yourself with open mind. Then, move forward. Only forward. My 2cents. -Blue-
  31. 3 points
    I have a landing strip to remind me that I'm a woman, not a pre-pubescent girl (no offense intended to those who do shave it all off).. Whenever a guy has asked me about shaving, I always wonder in the back of my head, "Why, do you want me to look like a little girl?" Kinda freaks me out. Thankfully, my husband never asked or commented on it.
  32. 3 points
    Question...was your husband shaved at the time he left you hanging for 2 months? I get a little ticked at men who want nearly all our hair off when they can sport underarm hair that shows in a tank with their arms down and as far as their crotch, a Brazilian rain forest and expect us to pop down and wade through the weeds. His loss and glad he realized he was not going to get you to change by pouting. I am not a fan of a lot of hair in certain spots on either sex. However, it is not a deal breaker. Has to be squeaky clean though. Any guy who wants to keep his hair and expect me to be like a newborn from the neck down, I show them the door and hope it hits their arse on the way out.
  33. 3 points
    Hello ladies, I’m new here. I always feel so weird talking about this now. I flip between like it shouldn’t be a big deal, or that it’s a huge deal. I think if I were to tell people or come out they’d be like “lol okay you and everyone.” Yet I’m so uncomfortable not being able to confirm it. And I’ve never considered myself bi really. Just maybe “not totally straight.” But I think for various reasons of being uncomfortable and bi being slang for “greedy” at the time... I suppressed any inklings, and feelings from like middle school to the end of college (woops lol). Like, example one: ALL of my sex dreams have been lesbian. (Which I googled furiously to make sure meant nothing) But I was hit hard enough by the boy crazy brick enough to make up for it. I also always had trouble connecting with girls. I was a social outcast and ganged up on by girl cliques. I just gave up on even just female friendship for a long time, and had such low self esteem. But boys liked me, so that felt good sometimes. As an adult I ended one long term relationship and went right into another. I had some regret on not being “free” but he’s the most wonderful understanding man. So on top of feeling awkward, and shy around people I don’t know well—especially women, and not sure how to approach if I’m actually bisexual, and possibly demi as I don’t really know how to date either lol. I’ve spent 10 years hoping to maybe meet up with a secretly like minded girl or even make out at a party?? To find out. But I fear that time has passed. I’ve told my boyfriend about it for years. I said if something happens, I’m going for it, which he’s okay with and supportive of me needing to explore my sexuality, so thank god for that. Well, it wasn’t happening in my long term tight friend circle or sitting around watching Netflix so, here I am typing out my introduction for support. I wanted to keep that that short but kinda hard to not get heavy in the intro I guess! Ps. apologies for if my name sounds fleeting... I just wanted to be anonymous as possible when I signed up, and now I feel lame :x
  34. 3 points
    @Sol “Ease the need?” Hmmm, start by NOT suppressing the urges, the need. Welcome them! Acknowledge them. Don’t fight them. Believe me, we all have these spells you’re talking about. It’s perfectly normal. And what’s bad in dreaming about or fantasising about it? Or even pleasuring oneself during? UNLESS these things affect your daily activities in life that you cannot function well then you begin to worry. That! You have to seek professional help. But...You’re not, right? Second, don’t resent the fact that you’re not having any of these kisses, sex, or whatever. It won’t do anything good to your psyche. Third, be proactive. Meet new people (women) in some meetup groups. It doesn’t have to be LGBT but anything. Get out of your comfort zone. Initiate conversation with women, IRL or virtual. You never know what happens next. The last one can be tricky if you’re shy or introvert. But you’ve got to decide, plan it and do it. Lastly, nourish yourself with other good and pleasant thoughts in life. Nature always help. You don’t have to go travel to national parks or beach (it’s also good if you can) to be with nature. Go and see some flowers, the trees, the little insects in the garden. Nature is present to you, so long as you are truly present to it, too. Take it easy. -Blue-
  35. 3 points
    Krysten Sinema, the first openly Bisexual person elected to the US Senate. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyrsten_Sinema
  36. 3 points
    I would like to hear from anyone who themselves is on the autism spectrum or knows somebody with autism, a friend, a relative, and of course would love to hear from anyone with a child who is autistic, and hear about your experiences. I would like to hear any stories anyone might have to share, thoughts, experiences, opinions, frustrations, triumphs, questions .....on the topic of autism. I'll begin with my own story. As a child, due to behavioural, problems, the school district had a psychologist check me out, and she concluded I might have Asperger's (a now outdated term, referring to somebody on the relatively "high functioning" end of the autism spectrum). But when she informed my parents of this, well, my parents did not have a lot of respect for the whole field of psychology, so their response, in short, was "bullshit". And I probably internalized their response, and also figured the diagnosis was bullshit. And my parents simply informed me I had better get my act together, stop being so shy, make a better effort, work harder, whatever. So I did not get the professional help as a child that could have probably saved me a lot of heartache, pain and struggles. But on the other hand, the fact that over the years I had to struggle and learn to cope with this completely on my own was also something that probably made me an overall stronger person. Still, it would have been nice to have gotten a bit more support. I knew I was "different". I over time came to see how things others took for granted -- basic social skills and social interaction techniques -- were things that were rather largely beyond my comprehension. And it was a big struggle, leaving me pretty isolated. As I got older, I studied more about autism and Asperger's and at one point, looked at an article on Asperger's and went down the list and each item was like "check, yep that is me" and then "check" and then "check" and then "check." Well into adulthood, I did in fact realize I was autistic, albeit "high functioning." But I did not tell anybody. Maybe it was because I didn't like the whole concept of "labels", (still don't like any labels, really) because labels are a form of shorthand that seems to pigeonhole people. And of course the thing about autism is that it manifests itself in such a wide variety of ways. But in retrospect, I see, that I could have perhaps saved myself some heartache and troubles over my life if I had been more upfront about this aspect of myself....so that people might have at least have had a chance to understand some of my odd behaviour better. Understand the little things -- like the fact I couldn't make eye contact with people as an aspect of autism, and that it was not me just being rude. Or understand bigger things, like how people with autism often don't get that whole "read between the lines" thing, that we will often take things said absolutely literally -- stop and think about that, and the kind of difficulties and miscommunication that could result. The fact that just to function in the world, someone with autism often has to consciously "put on an act" to pass as "normal" and the enormous and exhausting effort that involves. If others had understoond this about me, who knows, maybe I could have had more friends in my life. As it stands, I have only directly discussed autism with 2 people, so only 2 people know that I am high-functioning autistic. One person I just simply decided to tell, primarily just to ensure I did not fuck up what I wanted to ultimately end up being -- hopefully -- a solid long-lasting friendship. And I made the right decision in doing so there, I am sure. And the other case, well it was a woman friend who had spent some time working with kids with developmental problems in the schools, and one day we were on our regular walk in the park, and I was discussing some of my problems with her, and then she suddenly stopped, stared at me long and hard for a moment and then said, "Did you ever consider that you might have autism?" To which I was the proverbial wide-eyed deer caught in the headlights and I stuttered, "W-w-w-what makes you say that??" And we discussed Asperger's and I finally confessed "well, actually as a kid they did tell me....." And our friendship has deepened tremendously since then. Plus the added bonus is that if I suddenly out of the blue, for no apparent obvious reason, I start to have tears well up in my eyes, she knows to ignore it cuz it is no big deal, it is just autism. Anyway, now in addition to those 2 people, I have now "come out" as autistic here at ShyBi to a larger audience. I just decided to do so on the off chance there might be others here who have had experience with this. People who perhaps would like to share their stories. Or perhaps would like to ask questions. I had come across an interesting youtube clip I would like to share.
  37. 3 points
    'Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, 'It will be happier.' - Alfred Lord Tennyson
  38. 3 points
    I feel like ideal is unobtainable because no one has the same idea of what is ideal. I have a lot of sexual fantasies that are really unrealistic and generally socially unacceptable, relationship killing kind of stuff. The way those things play out in your head is never how it actually can be. Most of us don't take into account other people and what it is they want in our fantasies. Fantasies are all about what we as individuals want, but in reality we have to deal with relationships and the other people involved in them. I got a bit messed up about a year ago with pursuing a fantasy. I had an affair. Huge mistake, but I learned a lot about myself and relationships with other people. It was a pretty complex situation and I feel like I am still recovering from it, but things are a lot better now than they were for me a year ago. The good thing is I learned that my husband really is the one for me and I appreciate him so much now. I would never do anything to screw this up again. I kind of wish I could stop having the fantasies about other people, but I think that having them just goes along with being human. What I have been trying to work on for myself is just forgiving myself, trying to move on to better future and just accepting that the fantasies will happen, but I don't have to pursue them and I shouldn't. I have a tendency to develop attractions to friends and that makes me feel a little weird. The affair was with a female friend. The fall out from that was so bad. We aren't friends any more. The experience was overall far more negative than positive, so I think about that now and that really keeps me in line when it comes to my friends. For this new year I'm focusing more on what I already have in my life that is good.
  39. 3 points
    There have been many times I’ve questioned why we aren’t primaries. Beyond the romantic/sexual parts of the dynamic we also are very present and involved in each other’s day to day lives and often co-parent by circumstance. Can talk more via PM on this question. Untimely to your point above - we both work hard to try and naviagate our marriages (both which have some bumps and bruises) but we also recognize how insanely lucky and grateful we are for finding each other.... so we have put in a lot of work and it’s reciprocal to stay grounded but togrther but also not get too carried away.
  40. 3 points
    We're all just children with big hearts that are weighed down by the words and actions of others. Remember to let yourself be creative and free.
  41. 3 points
    You are enough. I see this narrative all the time. Many people go in search of finding the perfect person to complete them, make them happy without realizing they are already complete. Each and every person are enough and complete and whole as we are.
  42. 3 points
    I have certainly found what I was looking for before I even realized I was looking for anything. A deep emotional, spiritual connection along with a physical attraction and best friendship. It can include subtle romance (not cliche romance) and includes physical intimacy - but not an over abundance (which took me some time to accept and appreciate). There are times it feels like the perfect scenario and that is when I have balance in my primary relationship with my husband.... other times it is challenging bc I want more than what I know is realistic for both of us, those are the times there are challenging times in the marriages. Ultimately kids and families are priority and both parties respect and acknowledge it. I think one of the hardest waves i had to process and work though was the NRE from finding this diamond in the rough situation. I dealt with some heartache and jealousy but ultimate worked though it and landed in a really healthy and balanced and fulfilling place.
  43. 3 points
  44. 3 points
    i am not good in expressing my thoughts usually.That's why i have some blogs with articles that are not my thoughts but when i read them they express what i cant say.This one is Greek and i will try to translate it as best as i can again.It touched me when i read it few days ago Love yourself and take good care of you. yourself is making you happy,making you feel high and low. Don't underestimate yourself about the times you were weak.You only have you.In everything,in good and bad times.In those moments that no one seem ideal to warm you and every hug feels foreign,indifferent.Don't make yourself feel sad,offer everything that yourself deserves to have,And don't get stuck to people that are no longer in your life for different reasons.Don't expect that everything will magically change and you will have the apologies that you want to have.No one was saved by an apology,a word that people usually don't appreciate. Love and protect yourself. Learn to spend some time alone.Learn to breath without needing oxygen from others.Don't be pathetic. And if something isn't going right for you then there must be a reason.Just smile Live for you,for the beautiful days that will come and for the smiles to the people you love .Always search for the truth !And always search for the light.Feel free and reveal pieces of you slowly,step by step,page by page. Love yourself exactly as you are and others will love you too for who you are And those that are worth will be friends,companions,partners in your life.They will be there for you,holding your hand in the most beautiful,the most amazing moments in your life.They will be laughing along with you because they will have no choice.And when you fall ,they will smile until you feel that you are not alone ,they are right there with you. They are the ones that they saw you,they made an effort to learn all about you,they hugged you,they gave you everything that you needed without even asking.The ones that loved you in your bad and in your good days,that made a choice to be with you because you gave them too a part of your life.You became a special color in the palette of their life.You stayed in their reality and shared .Shared all those things that made you find a common ground and you started building on it.A friendship,a love,a pure feeling. Love yourself and don't get lost Try not to give everything,always keep something for you too.The "too much" is tiresome, is scary.It shares drown insecurities,hidden fears,words that want to be heard from lips that never dared.Open your soul where you know you will not get lost.And if you do just trust yourself,be saved by you.Keep yourself high .love yourself. And never forget.... the ones that they deserve to be in our life are the ones that prove to us that they need us in theirs too' sorry if in some parts you dont understand.I am thinking in Greek and sometimes i write the literal meaning of words
  45. 3 points
    I don't make new years resolutions, as I do not believe in them. More power to those who do. I believe in working on your ideas, goals or dreams everyday and taking a step towards that each day, even if it is a small one. Every step or shuffle is one shuffle closer. I am not one of these - I will start it on Monday or the beginning of the month, or after I have done this, or in the new year. If you think of it, if you want it, if it's important to you - there is only now. Time is to precious and can be taken away all to quickly.
  46. 3 points
    The thing I would have against older or younger women is probably mainly that it feels like it's taboo. With people here being so open to it I'm starting to think maybe it isn't a problem after all.
  47. 3 points
    @Tuesday472 I love how you think. You’ve said some really lovely things. You give me hope! I do worry about others being judgemental about my looks and/or “Imperfections.” I know I am not like that, but the fear is that someone else will be concerned about these things.
  48. 3 points
    I’ve been with both so it doesn’t matter. Each one could have a hang up. So, it doesn’t matter because it’s about the person’s effort to make a relationship work. I don’t mind whether bi single woman or bi married woman. It all comes down if we have the same perspective in a relationship. If we can both focus and enjoy each moment of our interactions and not to be stressed about the future (where is this relationship heading to? It’s not gonna work, etc) then I’m in. Do we have somehow believe in the same values and apply it in our relationship? Do we want to allow our journey for growth (to love) and not to use each other as a sex outlet ( booty call set up)? At least, initially these are what matters to me. The rest comes in gradually and unconditionally if we are meant for each other.
  49. 3 points
    Unfortunately, any changes like this are under the control of someone who is unlikely to make any changes. That said, if a jealous visitor is a true concern, it's much better for that person to be aware of what they're posting and how it might identify them, because there's absolutely nothing stopping a jealous visitor from making an account to get access to the private stuff. Plus the publicly available posts are at least as likely to contain identifiable information.
  50. 3 points
    I think we can be happy with a few different people in the world. That said, I cannot imagine someone being a better fit for me than my GF. We are “compatible opposites,” as in, she is totally the yin to my yang. We really balance each other out, and bring out the best in each other. We encourage each other to pursue our dreams, and have each other’s backs. We have similar visions of the future together, and I can’t wait to see where life takes us.