Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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    Svalbard and Jan Mayen

treelover123 last won the day on October 24 2016

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  1. I have no opinion on how one deals with the fallout after coming out and being found out. Or what needs to happen for one to decide to stay in or leave a marriage. But you had a question: how do other married women cope? This might make it seem like I have very flexible morals and am a generally shitty person because... I went there... the cheating route. But only after months... Actually YEARS of anxiety and telling myself I can't. Background: I've been married for 12 years to a good guy, but we have issues. Im a closet bi and bipolar, he is not all that into sex, he is a typical guy with little emotional awareness, and zero appetite for confrontation (withdraws from anything uncomfortable). We have a 3yo and a 6yo. I'm committed to my marriage, and committed to working on our issues. But still, Im cheating. In my experience, I had to first make peace with the fact that I'm going to cheat, that I need this, that everything I believed about cheating was far too black and white, and that this was the only option I had if I wanted to stay sane and married. I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm still the same person as always, even if I finally do the awful, but inevitable. How did I deal? Therapy. 'Cause I needed to talk and did not want to drag anyone down into my mess. What held me back from stepping over the line was what I thought he would think. What I thought I would think if I were him. In other words what *I* thought. I actually have no idea what he would think, and you know what, he will have to think what he wants when he finds out. It's hard to switch empathy off when it comes to this matter, but its my only option. I realise I'm making a decision that affects us both. He does not have a choice in this matter. I too have to deal with stuff I did not really have a choice in. I did not really know I was bi when I married him, or I would have told him. I've tried to tell him many times, but he does not want to hear it. Hell, if I could, I'd choose not to be bi. My long distance relationship with my girlfriend is such that it does not require careful day to day management. I dont have to sneak around most days of my life. My husband knows about my "friend" and that we are "close". Its relatively innocuous when my marriage is considered. I was very up front with my girlfriend about my situation and the implications for her and for us. I gave her the opportunity to leave. She did not. I love her for it. I don't know what I did before I had her. She is the other love of my life. Having her, but not quite having her be part of my life, is hard. The early part of our relationship was hard because I was so terribly in love, but I couldn't tell anyone. Was it not for my husband's lack of emotional awareness, I probably would not have gotten away with it. Leaving her after our magical time together, was incredibly hard. I was in a semi depressed state for about three months, trying to come to terms with the fact that I cannot have what I so desperately want. I had to realise that what I have with her, is what it is and it is enough in and of itself. Now the relationship is hard, because I crave her EVERY.SINGLE.DAY and I don't know when I'll get to see her again. But at least I have her to talk to, lots of good memories, and the hope that stars will align so that we can see each other again. A year ago I did not imagine that there was a way for me to not feel totally trapped. I felt I was selfish for wanting my cake and wanting to eat it. But I found a not ideal way out of a not ideal situation. Maybe you can too.
  2. shybi

    ^^^ this was so well put! Whahahahaha!!! I just have to add: Yes. Amen!
  3. shybi

    I have a suggestion: @Hungry why don't you buy the site? @la-femme obviously does not have the financial or time resources to dedicate to it anymore and she actually mentioned that she would consider selling it. We need an admin that has the tech savvy and motivation to make it work. I'll give money to help @Hungrybuy the site... What I won't do is give money to keep a site open because it was neglected to such an extent that people don't visit anymore, and also does not create the ad revenue that would offset its operation. I am very grateful for Shy's but we either find a long term solution or its "So long, and thanks for all the fish" Ps. Is there a twitter or facebook presence independent from the website where people will be able to find one another should the whole thing tank?
  4. Don't beat yourself up. Keep trying. One of my friends had this crush on a woman that identified as straight but also sent all kinds of mixed messages. My friend just couldn't get the words out on multiple ocassions after she decided she wanted to tell the crush that she had feelings for her. I think it took 3 tries to finally get something out. It was well received, but my friend ended up not knowing what the other women felt. It took a couple more slightly awkward conversations. My friend never really got an answer. In her case the thing just not turn into something more intimate, abd eventually the friendship with the crush also ended.
  5. Not a recommendation for a vibrator but: is an excellent resource for figuring out what to tell your partner to get you there.
  6. I have had similar feelings after spending time with my girlfriend. I have a long distance girlfriend that I was able to see twice last year. Her husband knows, mine does not. We met in September for a couple of days and for the three months following that, I really struggled to come to terms with my life. With her I got to experience a little bit of the things I dont have in my real life. New Relationship Energy yes, and "New Life Experience" Energy too but I also think its a bit of what these people call HOAD. Holiday adjustment disorder. It was like I was mourning this other unreal life I would never have for longer than a couple of days at a time. At least Ive worked through the feelings of guilt with my therapist before the last visit, so I didn't struggle with that much. But it was a bit surprising to find exactly how deeply a long weekend away can affect you.
  7. Boob fetish? Of course, boobs are attached to people so for you to get your hands on some, you'll have to deal with at least one whole person of female persuasion It's not uncommon to split reality into bits when one experiences lots of anxiety. Hang around here on Shy's, read a bit, write more, converse and figure stuff out. It certainly helped me on my journey.
  8. I say explore and find out! Wrt porn: I can watch gay male porn and get turned on... I won't read too much into what kind of visual images get you aroused...
  9. Not really svalbard . Google Jacob Zuma and you'll know.
  10. Ok be warned: this is a random rant going off on some tangents... I came across a comment in today's newspaper that made me smile It was in an article about a court judgement in a divorce that went an interesting way after the wife was deemed to be rather awful in the marriage. The comment doesn't relate to her, but rather to the husband: "He [The judge] also had some stern words for her husband, who had moved in with his lover before the divorce was granted. He said the man should have waited for the divorce before he took this step. 'it is at odds with the norms of a normal marriage relationship'". To me this statement talks to the contradiction in societal norms that still govern relationships in my country. In my country we have, what many regard as, the most progressive constitution in the world. It guarantees that no discrimination against people of any sexual orientation would be tolerated. We were one of the first countries in the world to legalise same sex marriages. So bisexuality is pretty much fine, at least in legal, if not general societal views. But anything outside the "normal" marriage contract is frowned upon from a legal perspective? Really? Although not pertinent in this specific case, I do wonder if the judge has thought about the norms of a less "normal" marriage relationship? Perhaps he has a special category of norms for polyamorous marriages- which is also recognised under our traditional law... Although mostly in the form of polygamy in the form of one man, many wives. (Our country has four (!) (Really, I'm not making this up) first ladies because our president is a polygamist. The president also has two an ex wives - one of whom just yesterday found out she is not going to be our next president) Anycase... My opinion is that bisexuality is probably seen as fine... I'm not sure that the same tolerance would extend to open marriages and arrangements like triads. It certainly does not extend to (in my opinion, justifiable) infidelity it seems. What's your opinion: Would people be more ok with either bisexuality or polyamory in your context?
  11. Ha! I just started listening to an old playlist full of Brandy Carlile somgs yesterday!
  12. I'm thinking out loud, having not experienced anything of the sort you have, but: I imagine bad sexual experiences (especially early ones) are so upsetting, particularly because its one of the places where many people feel so vulnerable. Do you have any idea of how you want your next time to be? Do you have any idea on how to approach things with this imaginary woman or man to make sure you experience sex without pushing through boundaries you are not ready to? Why don't you share some of your ideas here. I'm sure some of the more experienced ladies on here could help you talk through some options before you have to think on your feet in another situation like this. It is always good to have a plan, even if things rarely do turn out exactly as one plans. In the mean time, rest assured that you are not wrong to feel violated. Below is a cute and very funny British video that clarifies exactly how consent in a sexual situation should work/ not work. I hope you get a good cup of tea next time! There's nothing quite like a good cup of tea made by the right person at the right time, even if it takes some practice figuring out if you like it with cream or lemon. Or sugar... Or milk... Or black... Or iced. So much tea to be had... But you have the rest of your life!
  13. Labels. Yes. Lisa Diamond's research on sexual fluidity shows that many women move to a "who cares about labels" position at some stage, and that the majority of women's sexual/ romantic orientation labels do change over time. I kindof like the bisexual label. Im choosing to own it! (In my own closeted way!)
  14. I found this story and video about a girl coming out as bi. Cute, encouraging and maybe a little over the top?
  15. I can relate to what you are saying in a small way. I too am married and have a long distance girlfriend. I love my husband and my family and I'm very committed to sorting out the issues we have, because being married is never a fairytale, right? And I definitely have no plans to pack up and leave my life for anything or anyone. Then I saw my girlfriend for a couple of days. The emotional connection, the sex, the escapism, it was incredible. I came back home and I felt totally disillusioned with my life. Logically I know you cant compare a short break from reality with your regular life, but it just brought into focus many of the things that I miss in my real life. I was in mourning for like a month or two: About being apart from my girlfriend, about feeling the need to have a girlfriend in the first place, about not being able to share this significant part of my life with anyone and about the fact that my husband will never completely be what I need. Even my relationship with my girlfriend got a little weird for a while. But eventually, things settled back into place. Its possible that it may be the same for you. Just give it a little bit of time and perhaps you can again be mostly content with your life. From what you are saying, however, it seems like the discontent has been brewing for a while. Perhaps you are ready for a change? If you don't want to settle back into your regular life, now is perhaps the time to start making changes?