Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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About Cloudburst

  • Rank
  • Birthday 06/28/1971

Profile Information

  • Music
    Eclectic variety, ambient
  • Location
    CA Central Coast
  • Interests
    Aircraft, flying, poultry, hiking, embroidery, gardening, cooking, trail running, laying around, the beach, writing, feng shui
  • Signature Fragrance
    Water Goddess oil
  • Favourite TV Show
    Twilight Zone
  • Favourite Film
    Wrist Cutters, The Hours, Groundhog Day

Recent Profile Visitors

3,377 profile views
  1. I like the energy in your photo and nice to see that there are women around my age around here. Just wanted to say hi. :rolleyes:

  2. Wow! So similar! Yeah, the cards and other spiritual/mystical symbols do not lie. I study animal symbolism also and kept seeing weasels (big warning) every-time she was even crossed our path and I haven't seen any since. I'm Cancer w/Scorpio rising. Well at least we know we have better skills to cut things off if we run into these type of women in our future. It was a great opportunity to work on my boundaries, but the trust thing may take awhile for me. I'm not sure if I'm more mad at her or myself. One thing I do know is she'll be suffering in this drama for a lot longer then I will, so I feel sorry for her and all her karma.
  3. Thank you everyone for your support. I think the biggest lesson I learned here was to listen and trust my own feelings more. Not trust seeing things through rose colored glasses, but instead to really witness and respect how I feel in the present. Also I'd like to slow down and date someone in a neutral space (coffee shops, parks, events) for awhile before I let them into my home, my personal space. For various reasons the last three women I've dated had all stayed with me, but I never entered their homes. I have kids and I don't want them to think it's ok having other woman over that I'm just getting to know.
  4. So I just ended a potential relationship with a woman I have been dating for the past couple of months and just wanted to share my story with you all as I traverse the recovery process. There is always a recovery process we seem to journey through no matter the length of the relationship, and the length we spend in the getting over it phase varies for me always! Just a brief background on myself...I've been married for 19 years, have two kids and started my divorce process two years ago which the state still has not granted thanks to the help of our useless attorneys! I use to consider myself bi for many years until the pendulum made a full swing to the left and now consider myself lesbian. I have been dating, and in and out of relationships with women for the past few years and like most of you know it is very challenging! I prefer to give time for healing in between each relationship, and usually wait about a year before I open myself up to it. So this spring I joined one paid for dating site and one free one, just to see who was out there. I spoke to a few ladies, but most of them would disappear from the conversation after about a week, and it's a great way to learn how to not take things personally as this is so common! Then one night on the free one I saw a really beautiful woman who wrote "looking for someone to build a life with", and many other happy things. She also wrote she takes care of her disabled adult son so it be a two person package. We both liked each other and started texting then talking on the phone. It turned out she was on a road trip out of state with her disabled son to "find herself". After a few weeks of talking and emailing we met up. She told me that she had been seeing a poly woman in another state for a little over a year and was being repeatedly hurt by this woman sleeping with other men everytime she wasn't visiting her, even though she went into the relationship knowing that was the agreement. (The first red flag) It sounded more like an emotionally abusive relationship as this woman would offer her sex every few months after being begged for it, then tell her thanks for reminding her why she prefers men. (Weird) She said she didn't want to hurt me but her heart was still weak getting over this woman and she wanted to take things slow. I agreed to that. She ended up staying with me and my kids on and off for a few weeks while she was visiting family up and down my state. I even met some of them. She is a very caring woman and attends to her son around the clock. I learned a lot about compassion from witnessing the level of care to him, and my kids and I learned a lot about being compassionate to the disabled while he was also here..just something I never thought about. Anyway, we got very close and had a lot of fun together while she was here, (we also had a lot of sex) but then she told me the other poly woman had been begging her to come back. She said she had promised to stop there on her way back home and take care of this woman's (ranch) for a week. (Second red flag) So she did just that and texted and video chatted with me while she was there. She told me she told the woman all about me, and that she was seeing me and planning some trips with me. She said the woman kept telling her she wanted her to be happy and follow her heart, and that she can talk as long as I want to me while she was staying there on her ranch. But then she said the woman was sad, crying on and off fearing she'd slowly loose her. After a week she returned home and we continued to video chat everyday for weeks. I felt so happy talking with her everyday. She sent some lovely earrings to both my daughter and I. Then out of nowhere she told me she was going back to that woman's ranch for the weekend to help out with some goats or somthing. I was really upset. In fact I wrote her a long heartfelt message after getting off the phone with her that I felt like I was being used as a backup plan, or as a means to make this woman jealous, and just did not understand why after this woman kept hurting her repeatedly why she would go back to her. She would go to this ranch that the poly woman's ex boyfriend's family owned and clean her house, mend fences, mow lawns etc. and I just did not understand it! She told me that she is not yet willing to give up the friendship she has with this woman as there is still a lot of "love" there and she adores how much she dotes over her handicap son. Plus she loves working on the ranch. And that she wants to remain single, continue to get to know me and when her heart is healed and ready be open to a commitment. She said we should take a little break, and I said fine. But, she kept flirting and sexting me every night! So Memorial day comes and she told me she was still on the ranch and that she'd head home sometime during the week after she got the goat pen ready and picked up the goats. I asked her if she was planning on moving there and she said "no". I asked her when are we going to talk again (we had only been texting) or if she even wanted to. She waited two days to respond at 2:30am "I do want to talk". So I sent her a picture reading "call me". No response for 3 more days. (all sorts of red flags dropping out of the sky!) Now it's the weekend and I'm having my sister in law read all our texts to help me figure it out..just as my sister in law was telling me how confused she was the gal starts texting me "your looking gorgeous" out of nowhere!!!! So I call her up and she answers and we have a sort of ok catching up talk. I asked her if she was still planning to visit me for two weeks in July and she said "yes if I still want her to". Then the next day I get a long email from her talking about feeling suffocated, and how her freedom is so important to her. The poly woman she's been staying with is still important to her, but she thinks and dreams of me day and night...and how beautiful I am. But she does not want to commit and wants me to decide if I'm willing to be her fwb, or if I want to pursue her knowing that she is not ready to commit. I'm pulling my hair out over her wishy washy ness!!!! So I said "call me now"..she responded "I will but her ex is lecturing her on her principles right now". An hour goes by and she finally videos me. I tell her I don't understand any of this, how am I suffocating her so much if she is the one who has been sending gifts and doing the majority of the communications. I told her I'm sick of her being so unclear and that I do not understand this relationship with this poly woman who she keeps going back to after saying they were working on their friendship. I asked her flat out "are you fucking her?' She told me yes that after this last visit they were intimate. I told her it's over with us, and that she is a liar, has been leading me on and is a person with zero integrity for herself or others. She just kept saying how sorry she was. I hung up on her, but before I blocked her I stooped pretty low telling her what a slut I think she is, and she'll most likely get a disease from this other'll end up used and alone and to stay away from me and my children as I do not want them to learn what a pathetic person she really is. I never stoop that low and go off on anyone no matter how pissed or hurt I am so that was the first. I take full responsibility for not following my gut feelings and for ignoring all these red flags. Many of my friends kept telling me to just give her time, but not being in my shoes or seeing the big picture they were only trying to support me the best way they could. In retrospect I felt worried, and uncomfortable more days then I did happy with her. Now I'm questioning myself why did I hold onto this situation? I even ignored a tarot card reading that said "lies, deception, and escape" as to how she viewed me! I kept hoping she'd get over this woman, and when she'd come visit and spend time with me it will all work out. But instead she was trying to lure me into some poly love triangle after I told her repeatedly I'm monogamous and she said so was she... I'm in a difficult time of my life having a hard time with my job, waiting for the divorce to finalize, being in debt and selling my house with no idea where the kids and I will move to next. It was I know a bad time to open myself up to look for a relationship, because perhaps if I was in a better position in my life I would not have let things go on like I did with the woman. I had asked the universe to send me someone filled with love, as all I wanted was to feel some love and be held. I got just that, only problem is she loves more than just me, she loves this poly woman and lives with another ex gf who is just friends. She has boundary issues and well, reflected back to me my own boundary issues. Sometimes I believe life is so much easier when we are single and not out looking for love. But then when we are in relationship, or even just dating, that is the time we learn so much about ourselves (or don't) and we can grow from these experiences. It is just that it can be so painful at times!
  5. You are right, I stand corrected. I guess a tiny bit of me feels guilty for not giving her a chance to reply after I blocked her.. Maybe we should give that sort of thing a new name like "haunted" as now we are both left with a bad final memory! Lol.. ;-)
  6. Interesting I am going to write a speech for a public speaking meetup I'm in on this subject. Things have sped up so much in our lives because of technology. I had many long distance relationships twenty years ago that involved letter writing and phone calls, not texting and email. Now when I'm in an ldr, if I don't hear back from someone within the usual amount of time that I have been hearing from them I panic. Where as in the past, we had our own lives and could be satisfied with the snailmail and random phone calls. We've gotten so use to instant gratification, instant answers now that to me at least in my life there seems to be this sort of low level anxiety always waiting for that text. I just ghosted a woman I had been dating long distance for about a month. I'll write about the experience in another area... but we did meet, sleep together, get close to each others families all in a short amount of time. Then she told me she just slept with a woman she was trying to get over. So after a few choice words I blocked her in every sort of social media, phone, email etc. and told her to stay away from my family and I as I am monogamous. I don't feel like the bad guy for doing this and I did let her know how disgusted I was with her before hand. Sometimes it hurts when we have to let go of our hopes and expectations of someone, or our own illusions of how we want to see reality. We learn to pay attention to the red flags we talked ourselves out of seeing because the dream of what could be felt so much better at the time. So just take it easy on yourself, take some time off for fun and when your ready reflect back on it and write lessons learned. What fears in yourself was she reflecting back to you? Also, if you feel you need to write her more do just that, but burn the letters and do not send them. It helps put things into perspective for yourself and releases the emotions. Blessings.
  7. In desperate need of some downtime.. Perhaps in a month if I'm lucky.

  8. I attend two different Lez meet-ups, both are in separate two hours north of me, the other two hours south of me. So far I only know of one woman (who is now a close friend) who has never been with a man in all her 60+ years on this planet! Another woman I friended says she is really a heterosexual in a relationship with another woman who she considers marrying when her gf moves to this country. Everyone else in both groups have either dated, or been married to men before. Some consider themselves bi or queer, while some like me identify as lesbian but all are welcome as women who love women.
  9. Interesting that this topic came up in one of my lesbian community meet-ups. Many of the women in the group have been married to men, and some define as bi, while others lez. But a handful of us single gals question what we should label ourselves while not in a relationship. Some of us felt it is necessary to be in a relationship with another woman to call ourselves "lesbian" and not default "bi" because we have been with men. But if your single and just taking a break from dating or being in relationship what do you call yourself? Probably not something a straight person would ever consider...
  10. I totally agree on the importance of being a feminist today to even the playing ground! But what I'm also interested in is what we define in ourselves to be feminine. I just remembered an occasion over this past summer where my son was thanking my father for taking him on the best vacation ever. My father started crying and excused himself because he missed is testosterone shot shot that month. As if being emotional is not a masculine trait.. Another example..I was watching a video on the topic and the woman mentioned that one learned trait of femininity is to be manipulative. That we have taught ourselves this as a way to take back control, to get what we want while feeling powerless in a male driven society. Thinking back to my own marriage I did a lot of that, esp. when I wasn't working as much. Interesting to figure out what is learned behavior, hormones or perhaps real differences...
  11. That was only one job and was a private corporate job. I've worked on and off in the corporate charter world and never enjoyed sucking up to picky rich people! I've had many other flying gigs where I was well respected, and the flights had purpose because they revolved around getting doctors to their patients instead of rich people to their hunting parties.... But enough about my story. What is important is that it really made me question what sort of images, or gender parameters western society (because that is the only world I've lived in) places on us. Imagine if the world woke up one morning with amnesia about who we were. Imagine if we woke up with not knowing how to read, but only knowing our native spoken word. (This is sounding like a good Twilight Zone episode!) How would we interact? How would we carry ourselves? How would we reorganize society? Would things be more equal between the sexes? Would trans people identify with any gender? Maybe I should have been an anthropologist..Lol!
  12. I'm a bit on the "dainty" side and was told customers don't like that.. (I'm a commercial pilot).
  13. I joined the group mainly to meet new women, and also to discuss, argue and learn thoughts and information on a topic I haven't put much thought into. What I like is that the women in the group range in age from their 30's to 70's, so there is a wide range of perspectives. I honestly don't have a definition for what is feminine, although I've been defined as being such, and it's cost me employment because of it. So I am curious about other women's experience is with their own "femininity"...
  14. So I just sat through an intro to a women's group starting in January which discusses the "divine feminine" and will be accompanied by a discussion of the book "Leaving my father's house: A journey to conscious femininity". by Marion Woodman Haven't started the book .. Anyway, the group is being led by a wonderful Jungian psychologist and in the meeting the other night she brought up an interesting point: For the past several thousand years woman's "femininity" have been interpreted and defined through the eyes of men. We see this in their art, their religions, their books etc. and we've succumbed to those views. But now in this time period we can all see gender being redefined (especially in the Western world) , men being called out for hurting women and others, and more women in leadership roles. So the question being asked to the group is "how do we define our femininity as women, not as men" ? What does it really feel like to be female? Any thoughts???
  15. That is an interesting point to think about... I mean now that we have texting, and our phones are pretty much on us 24/7. I mean for myself there is this sort of rush I get when I'm constantly in communication with someone I love, yet at the same time I'm sure that probably contributes a lot to the feeling of suffocation!