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About raina2014

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    Big Tease
  1. Fell in love with and slept with a woman for the first time.
  2. I'm not aware of any relatives who are LGBT --well, there is one, but it's distant: One of my mom's first cousins (who I've never met) is a lesbian. That's it. LGBT issues were never discussed when I was growing up; my parents and extended family as a whole are pretty liberal and open-minded, but it just never came up. So, I definitely feel like an oddball identifying as bi (if even just to myself).
  3. I'm 40 years old, and also a people pleaser. It's what caused me to be scared to come out as bisexual when I finally acknowledged my identity to myself a few years ago; it's what caused me to never seek out and date a woman in the years before, when I suspected I wasn't straight. I grew up on a farm in the middle of America, to liberal parents, but I also didn't want to disappoint them by being 'weird.' I eventually met my first boyfriend at age 27, and we married a year later. I love him, but it's a different feeling than I have for my girlfriend (I've always been more emotionally and physically pulled toward women, even as I was afraid to act on it). Even now, I'm in people-pleaser mode because I am scared of my husband finding out or if I ever have to 'take the bull by the horns' and change my life for my own sake. Thankfully, we don't have children, so that isn't a complication. However, he has no friends and I am his sole emotional support (well, me and his parents). He also has no interest in moving to a more urban area to find better jobs. He is content in this small town. I feel that I have to increasingly hide parts of myself here: That I am bisexual, that I support the LGBT movement in general, that I am liberal politically and that I am not involved with organized religion. So, it's stifling.
  4. I'm going through this right now, at the age of 40, 11 years into my marriage to a man. Looking back, I wish I had been more comfortable in exploring my bisexual identity, rather than trying to 'fit in' with the straight women I saw all around me. (I come from a small town and never knew an openly gay person until after I was in college, and I didn't want to rock the boat by coming out, disappoint my family, etc. ). She and I often say we wish we had met each other earlier in our lives (she was comfortable with her identity, but also ended up in a straight marriage). What happened in my case is that we see each other in person a couple of times a year (we live hundreds of miles away from one another). For a few days, we get a sense of what our lives should have been like. We treasure those moments, and carry on a deep love and regard for one another while apart. While there is a part of me that is overjoyed in finally realizing my true identity, and finding a woman who I love very much on all levels, the timing makes everything more difficult. My husband is a good man and I love him, too. He knows I am bi but doesn't know about the depth of this other relationship. It would destroy him emotionally if he did. There is also my gf's situation, in that she also plans to stay in her marriage. Even if one of us ended up single at some point, it doesn't mean the other person would also be single. So, it's both a beautiful thing and a very difficult thing. I'm happy and sad, wistful and longing for a past, present and future with her in it. I feel like I have outgrown my present life, on many levels. It's like waiting in limbo, for the other shoe to drop, in a constant state of alertness. I feel like I am living two lives: My day-to-day life, from which I am feeling increasingly distant, and the life in my head, based on memories of the last time we saw each other --which now feels more real to me.
  5. If my gf and I were both single, then yes, in a heartbeat!
  6. I was fortunate in that I met my gf online and organically, if that makes sense! We met in the fandom we both belonged to, as friends. She looks traditionally feminine and is married, so I didn't know her orientation at first. I'm not out in my community or on social media, and am also married, so she assumed I was straight. We met in real life after about a year of talking online, and felt a very strong connection, but didn't know the other was feeling the same thing (although, by this time, we each knew the other was bi). After we returned to our homes (we live in different parts of the country) --we were talking online one day, and she said if we had met earlier in our lives, we would have most likely ended up together. I was shocked, because all of my previous crushes on women were one-sided, with most of them never knowing how I felt about them). We met again recently in a city between us, and the whole experience was amazing. We both lamented at what our lives could have been, because everything felt natural; no awkwardness in any way. But we are in a complicated situation, because we also both love our husbands, and it would devastate them if we were to leave (there are no children in either of our cases, by the way). So, yes, meeting online in an organic manner is possible, I believe, but it would have to stem from something other than a dating site; maybe a community where you share a common interest.
  7. Thanks for your insight, and yes, what you talk about here regarding NRE is something I've been thinking about the past few days. There is definitely that aspect of it; we met online first as friends; I had no idea of her orientation at that time. We met in person about a year later, rooming together at an event; we were 'joined at the hip' the entire time, but neither of us knew what the other was really thinking. A couple of months later, she admitted her feelings and I was floored, because I've had many (always unrequited) crushes on women over the years, and I never imagined my feelings would be reciprocated. (In fact, during that time, I had been heartbroken because I had recently lost a friendship to a woman who used my identity against me; thinking I was someday going to seduce her; although I had an emotional crush on that woman, there was not a physical component, to me, at least). I didn't dare want to ruin another friendship again, so I was amazed when my current gf told me she also had feelings for me! We have met once since we admitted our feelings, and it was intense and amazing and truly felt right. I finally felt like myself, for the first time in my entire life. That said, I still love my husband, too, but the culmination of all of my feelings not just toward her, but toward a totally different life in the city, is on my mind a lot right now. I don't know if I'd ever leave my husband, because I know it would break his heart. He's a good, decent man, and doesn't deserve that. As for my gf, I think she is even less likely to leave; although her husband has at times been emotionally abusive, it's not a constant, and she doesn't want to devastate him and their life together. Could I see myself a single and open to dating other women? Yes, in that before I met my husband, but when I was still mostly in deep denial about being bi, I did explore the idea in my head of dating women (was too scared to act on anything). But I have grown and changed a lot since that time 20 years ago; she and I also have something very special that you can't just find in anyone and that goes beyond NRE, in my opinion. We can be silent together, companionable. We have had no awkwardness at all, despite my inexperience. She said she would be complete with me, if the time ever came that we were both single at the same time. We do have to move slowly (and the physical distance between us allows for that in any case). But no matter what happens between us now or in the future, I know I am a changed woman. She has helped me embrace my true self, and loves me without reservation or expectation. Whether that will be enough, if my situation changes, but hers does not, is something I just don't know. If someone is unattainable, is it really emotionally healthy to wait for perhaps years, while your life passes you by? I would think not, but on the other hand, a connection like ours is organic and doesn't come along every day.
  8. I also consider myself a femme bisexual, although I am married to a man and I don't think anyone around my small town would suspect any orientation other than 'straight'. I do try to use some subtle signifiers like an asymmetrical haircut, and I wear flannel and Converse a lot for a sort of 'tomboy femme' look. Still, in a rural community, women wearing flannel isn't unusual. I do have dresses, but only very rarely wear them. My go-to look is a plaid or flannel shirt, jeans, and Converse, Vans, or boots. Sometimes a leather jacket. If I'm feeling dressy, I would wear a nice sweater or a blazer with a neck scarf.
  9. I have a similar situation to the OP's ideal, except there are downsides: Extreme distance between us (we'd be lucky to see each other in person twice a year) and husbands who don't know and would be devastated; the guilt sometimes eats away at me. I long for a life like I experienced in a totally different environment when I met up with my gf last month. My husband likes small-town living and doesn't want to relocate to a more urban area. I feel increasingly stifled in this tiny, homophobic town. However, the ideal aspect of this sort of relationship (for me) is that I finally get to realize the totality of my long-standing strong feelings for women (and for this woman, in particular). I was my true self for the few days I spent with her. I've also come to realize I actually prefer women generally and I'm sitting here taking stock on my marriage. My husband is as wonderful as ever, and has no idea I'm thinking these things. It would be great if I could be content with both relationships equally, but I'm not sure I can. Since I returned home, my heart has been elsewhere. Oh--and another wave of guilt hit me just now: My husband writes for the local newspaper, and wrote a column about a recent trip we took together, and he mentioned me by name numerous times.
  10. We had couples therapy back in 2010-2011, which was a really dark time for us (and mainly focused on my lack of desire for children (in contrast, my husband is great with kids and really wanted to be a dad). However, since that time, we both realized we were not in an adequate place financially or emotionally to be parents. Now, at age 45, he has accepted this. But aside from that, I don't know if he'd be open to therapy again, whether it be couples or individual. For one thing, he's always concerned about the cost of everything, and so I think he'd immediately veto the idea because of the money issue. (I, however, am thinking of going into individual therapy, so I can discuss some of what I'm talking about on this forum).
  11. Treelover123 this is exactly how I am feeling right now. Maybe at least part of the attraction is due to the novelty of it all, how those few days away were drastically different than my everyday life (and much more exciting!). When you say, "I came back and I feel totally disillusioned with my life' --that is how I'm feeling right now, too. I'm not going to drastically change my life without first giving it a lot of thought. But I do know that something has to change. Then there's the added problem of how I am more physically attracted to my gf than I ever have been to my husband, as awful as that sounds. My husband and I have had intimacy problems for years (mostly brought on by my our mutual inexperience and my anxiety). For a long time, he blamed me, and of course, I did feel badly about our problems. In contrast, when I was with my gf, it was a night-and-day difference; there was no awkwardness at all. If nothing else, some changes I want to make involve doing more things on my own, and perhaps traveling more frequently to this city (I have a family member who lives there, as well, and another friend I could visit). I just want to feel my life has excitement. For too long, my anxiety problems revolved around my fear to just be me and to do anything on my own. Now, I feel like I'm starting to come into my own, and claim my passions, interests and identity.
  12. True; he can do it (and did). But ever since we got together, I have become his whole world. I'm actually frightened that he would try to physically harm himself if I ever left (one time, after an argument some years ago, he stood at the back door and said 'Maybe I should end it all.'). I called him out on that and he insists he would never do that, and now he claims he doesn't remember the incident at all. I do, though, and it showed me he has an emotionally manipulative side. He also likes to trot out , 'I do so much for you' (and he's right). He also puts a lot of stock in his parents' approval of him (he was raised a conservative Catholic, and I think it affected his sense of what it means to 'be a man' or 'a husband'). If we aren't intimate multiple times per week, he seems to think he is somehow 'not a man' so obviously, there is no easy spontaneity in that department, either.
  13. Hi ChemFem, That is a very good question. Now, granted, I am also a loner: I went to a tiny, rural school, where I only had 26 classmates, and K-12 was all in one building! I also went to college at a private, liberal arts college in my hometown. So, for years, all the way through college, I struggled socially; I was shy in primary school, and didn't have friends or date anyone until after graduating college. I lived on a farm with my parents and sister, and even though I despaired at not having friends, I spent time reading, writing, taking walks in nature, and daydreaming about my future. My husband was my first and only boyfriend; we met when I was 27 and he was 33. We got married a year later. By contrast, my husband did actually have friends as a child; he lived in a bigger community and had four siblings and at least a few close friends. He went to college in his hometown, but in order to save money, I guess, opted not to live on campus for three out of the four years; instead commuting from his parents' house. So, he never cultivated a social life while in college. After he became an adult and moved to this town, which is much smaller and about 2-1/2 hours away from his hometown, he didn't date and he didn't seek out any new friendships. He lived on his own a decade before meeting me. When I encourage him to socialize (say, meet people through his church, go out for a drink now and then) he says, 'I don't have time to make friends' or 'I don't need friends; I have you' and 'You're my best friend.' He even (jokingly?) says, 'Whose your best friend? The cat or me?' I guess the main difference is that he seems ok with not having a social life (he has no interest in developing any online friendships, either); whereas I always wanted a small circle of friends, if nothing else (we are both introverts, so we don't need an extremely active social life, but something would be nice!). Another struggle I have is that as a LGBT-friendly, intellectual and liberal women (without children) I don't relate to a lot of people around here, and vice versa.