Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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Ambrosia last won the day on February 7

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    And The Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
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  1. I do remember when i was first realizing i was bi (after meeting my husband and dating him for a couple of years) and interested in meeting a woman, that a close friend of mine was wonderful to talk to about it, since she'd had more experience and was actively in a poly relationship at the time. So it could be that she knows I'm a safe person and she's intrigued by the idea. Maybe not even for herself, but a sort of fascination at something other people do that she's never experienced or considered before. I think she also could just be testing waters/mentally exploring something she hasn't done nor plans to do, but kind of a "what if life were different" sort of thing. She's pretty inexperienced with women (i was her second lady kiss, she was probably my 50th haha), so even if she doesn't want something like that, i could see how it would be new and intriguing. I think I've kind of gotten past thinking she might be into me. For a while, off and on, i honestly thought she might be, but for all of the signs saying she is, there have been several saying she probably isn't as well. I do know she's considered sleeping with me, because she told me she'd talked about it with her fiance. Again, I'm less thinking it's because she likes ME as much as that she likes women in general and has toyed around with acting on it, and I'm her only close bi friend (actually, I'm one of her 2 close friends in general, her best friend lives out of state, so it's just me nearby) Who knows though. She did say she'd shoot me in the face with no problem during a zombie apocalypse, so she can't like me that much I'm not sure if i could ask her whether they've talked about it. I mean i could, but I'd feel like i was delivering a loaded question and i wouldn't want her to assume I'm trying to get with her. I would be open to dating her, if that's what she wanted, but I'm done with beating myself up hoping for it, and i don't want her to think I'm trying for it.
  2. About this girl, again. I've had a crush for over 3.5 years, off and on. I've lately been on an "off" streak with her though. Anyway, several months ago, I started disclosing that husband and I aren't monogamous and that I'd discussed doing "stuff" with another coupled friend of mine who also likes women more, but is in a relationship with a man. A few weeks later my crush held my hand on a car ride home, and a couple weeks after that she drunkenly made out with me (I've told that story so many times, even I'm getting sick of hearing it haha). We went several months without discussing it, i thought she didn't remember it, and then one day out of the blue she blindsighted me by bringing it up, told me i was a good kisser, and that she and her fiance had discussed she and i sleeping together, but ultimately he wants to be there and she would rather be alone if we were together. I almost kissed her that day but got scared (of overstepping boundaries/making her fiance mad since there was no definitive agreement on physical touch) and didn't do it, which I'm not sure if I regret or not. Topic dropped, haven't spoken of it since. A couple of months have gone by, and my feelings have (temporarily, I'm guessing) waned. We went out together a few afternoons ago, and talked about just random innocent stuff. I was telling her about one of my best friends who used to claim asexual to avoid being hit on, who I believed was actually asexual until she told me she wasn't. Anyway, i was telling her a random thing about this friend, and how she had a crush on a girl and a guy who look like they could be twins. She said "they should all just be in a polyamorous relationship". Then later at her house, her fiance was youtubing Neil Patrick Harris videos, and she mentioned NPH is her fiance's man crush. He jokingly said she gave him a pass with NPH. She said "we could just be in a polyamorous relationship with him, but he isn't interested in my type (since he's gay)" to which i quickly just stated "hey, it's not always a triad, you can have a V or many other variations". Anyway, nothing too major, i just thought it was funny that she'd brought up poly twice in one day. I'm not thinking too far into it, because as i said, she hasn't been on my mind much lately, but it tickled my brain and made me wonder if poly relationships had been on her mind (not with me specifically) because it's an odd thing to refer to twice in a day when she never has before,or if it was just a random thing. I make weird connections and notice when a topic has been mentioned multiple times whether it's pointless or not, so that might be it. I dunno. Just musing.
  3. I've wondered that, actually. Her 13 year old daughter also shows signs of autism. And i can't for the life of me understand how someone without some sort of disconnect would perceive her actions as socially acceptable. Which kind of puts me in a rough spot on how to address the whole thing.. Sadly, that won't send the message. I was pushing away from her and trying to turn my head, but she had ahold of the back of my head and was forcing her mouth onto mine. Also, i found out that recently one night when we'd walked her home and went upstairs with her to sober up before walking ourselves home (i passed out on the couch while husband was playing with my hair), she stuck her hand into her vagina and made my husband smell it. Out of the blue. While i was RIGHT THERE. Ew! Obviously he deflected and woke me up and we left, but still. So disrespectful and over the line. This is out of control and cannot keep happening.
  4. Well........ second year in a row where we've entered our anniversary in an enormous fight. We were supposed to renew vows this year, but that's not happening. This year is 5 years married. It's it even worth it? I actually want to die.  Everything hurts and I can't anymore..

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    2. ChemFem


      You feeling any better a week out? Also available for chat though idk how useful I can be.

    3. Ambrosia


      Thank you both. It's been a rough couple of months.. we're both suffering from some pretty heavy mental illness and no real way to get help (financially speaking, which exacerbates it all). I'm currently feeling better, but it keeps coming in waves.  I should mention, i don't want to actually die. I just often wish i didn't exist.  Something needs to change, but i just don't know how to feasibly make those changes.  Thank you both for your thoughtfulness <3 

    4. ChemFem


      Good luck. Mental illness is a bitch to deal with even under the best of circumstances. Good on you for being proactive and reaching out for support. *hugs*

  5. I've wondered the same! It certainly isn't necessarily shared experiences or personality traits, though I think those things can help build a bond. I have two perfect examples of a few things you said: First, the girl I've been crushing on off and on for a few years (I'm currently on an "off" streak, though i still love her dearly as a friend, and based on the past, I'll probably start crushing again eventually). We met because we were in the same social circle, but it took forever for she and I to grow close. Like, two years or more. We're both naturally quiet and reserved, though I have a tendency to feed off of others' energy and moods. So when I'm around her, I stay in that calm, reserved mood. We have very similar personalities, interests in books, camping, hiking, we're constantly getting each other hooked on new tv shows, and we share eerily similar religious upbringing (though her childhood and teen years were more difficult than mine). We're both bisexual. We even share some physical similarities (height, weight, hair length, etc). Yet until about a year ago, we just didn't click. Not that we didn't get along, i could never imagine an altercation or argument with her. We just had a light, friendly, and sometimes flirty relationship that didn't get super close quickly. Our original social circle that brought us together has nearly completely dissolved, but we remain very close with her and her fiance and one other friend, despite the fact that we only see each other once or twice every week or two. On the flip side of that is my neighbor. The first time we met was shortly after she moved to town, I was working and she stumbled upon the bar I work at. We didn't even know we were neighbors at that point. I served her a beer, and we sat and chatted for a while. Then i got off work and we sat and chatted for a few more hours. From the moment wet met, we instantly clicked. I felt like I'd known her for years almost immediately. I haven't even known her for a year yet, actually, she moved to town around fall of 2016. We share a couple of common interests/experiences.. i was a gymnast when i was a kid/teen, and so was she (she's currently the director of a gymnastics school). We also both played the flute in high school, and enjoy craft beer. And that's about the extent of our similarities. She's relatively tall and toned. She's VERY outgoing, and can talk to literally anyone. If she's bi, she's very low on the scale. Still haven't completely determined that, though I'm not sure she has either. She's high energy, charismatic, funny, and comfortable in her own skin... the exact opposite of me. But i swear she's my soul-sister. She pulls me out of my quiet shell and we act crazy together. We cartwheel home from the bar, we run and jump around, laughing or heads off. We see each other nearly everyday, and if we go a few days without hanging out, it feels like an eternity. In fact, she's gone for a week currently. I last saw her on Monday night (it's Thursday afternoon), and it feels like she's been gone forever. Comparing these two friends and my relationships with each of them is astounding to me. The one that i share the most in common with was so difficult to get close to. It used to drive me crazy trying to figure out how to become closer to her as I was crushing on her. I used to be jealous of a former mutual friend of ours because they were close, and I was close to the other friend, but I couldn't figure out how to break that barrier.. turns out, most of what was needed was to get the mutual friend out of our lives, because she was toxic to both of us. Anyway, beside the point. The one who I differ from in so many different ways was like a magnetic bond immediately. I can't offer a reason why this is. Perhaps balance. Perhaps it's the way two magnets bond, by their opposite sides. Perhaps it's because two shy people aren't able to communicate as well as an outgoing person and a shy person who can be brought out of that shyness can. It's very interesting though.
  6. A bit more info.. she's very eclectic and I don't think she has a concept of what's socially acceptable (for example: one night while I was working, she and my neighbor (the other girl she often harasses for sex) were the only ones in the bar. I went to the bathroom and came out to find her standing in the middle of the bar with her entire shirt pulled over her head, cupping her boobs, no bra. She never wears one (which is fine) and exclusively wears very thin tank tops. Like, nips constantly making their presence. I asked her what the hell she was doing and to put her shirt back on. She innocently said she was showing my neighbor her tattoos. I had to help her get her shirt back on. Things like this happen all the time). She's also nearly completely blind, and has only been so for about two years due to rapid deterioration. Often, my husband and I or someone else will need to make certain she gets home safely (which isn't hard, my bar is in the middle of the city block and her apartment is above her husband's head shop on the corner of the same block). Her husband owns another shop about an hour or so away in a larger city than ours, so he's often gone for days at a time. Really, the whole block, everyone who works or frequents the businesses there are like a huge, huge family and we all take care of each other. So yeah, i definitely have to be around her, but you're totally right that i should talk to her in a nice way. The thing is, I don't think she understands resistance equals "i don't want it". She's a very difficult person to explain. Haha. I think she requires a hard "no" to get her to understand. Which i intend on delivering. And yayyy for gentle, non-sloppy kisses! Sending some back your way! Sadly, being blind, she has dealt with people following her around and she's more vulnerable to it than a sighted person would be. But yes, her behavior is very strange for a woman, i just don't understand it. I definitely need to address the aggressive behavior when i see her again, especially if she's displaying it (which normally only happens if she's had a few drinks). You're totally right. A couple of my friends who were there that night made the comment that were she a man, she'd have had people all over her if they saw what happened. Thanks for your responses, guys. Up until that night, I mostly just chalked it up to her being relatively harmless and her advances were just something I had to deal with (both with me, and with my other lady friends she tends to come onto). But that just made me feel icky.
  7. Last night I was out hanging out with some friends. I don't remember what the context was, but I said something to a friend of mine that was good news or something to that effect, and she said "ahh i could kiss you!" Then turned to her boyfriend and asked if she could kiss me. He said yes, and we had a little peck. That wasn't the bad one. She was pretty good at it. Another friend was nearby... she's the wife of the owner of a very popular shop in our somewhat small downtown community. She has no filter or concept of tact, and is always drunkenly trying to get me (and other women) to sleep with her. Like, once after telling her I didn't want to sleep with her, she point blank told me "you keep saying no, but I will have sex with you someday". I have absolutely zero interest, especially after this. Anyway, she saw the little kiss between me and my other friend and said "ooh! Can i have a kiss too?" So I hesitantly went in for a little peck. She grabbed my head and shoved her slobbery tongue halfway down my throat and wouldn't back off. I was very tensed up and trying to keep my mouth closed, and she stopped and told me to open my mouth more, and proceeded to shove her tongue deeper into my mouth until I couldn't handle it anymore and pulled myself away. It felt like a warm slug rolling around in my mouth. Why did i let her do that?? Don't get me wrong, i like a little tongue when given properly. Teasing little darts in and out of my mouth, gently grabbing my lips with teeth and lightly suckling on them... wonderful. That's how the majority of my kissing experience has been. But what happened last night... just too much. I'm not sure if it's because that girl actually kind of repulses me sexually, or if it was simply the sheer amount of her saliva that she was shoving into my mouth, but i did NOT enjoy it, and unless she forces herself onto me, it will not happen again (like she did when she surprised my neighbor by kissing her rather than hugging her, and after my neighbor pulled away with a disgusted look on her face saying she wasn't expecting that, and the girl laughed and said that's exactly what she was planning on doing). So two questions: Do other people enjoy having an entire, sopping wet tongue sloppily shoved into their mouths? Like, am I weird for hating that? She's like 35 and has been with many people, so it's not like she's unpracticed. Is that normal? And also, how would i go about addressing her borderline rapey, forceful behavior in general? I feel like I need to tell her it's not okay, neither with me nor anyone else who is clearly resisting her. I understand she's a woman so she thinks she gets a free pass on things that men could actually get in trouble for. But i don't think that's okay. It's made more than just me uncomfortable. And when I told my neighbor (another female who has also been on the receiving end of her aggression) and two dude friends about it, they all basically told me she kinda assulted me. And that it wasn't okay. Which i already felt, considering the repulsion i felt during/after her kissing me, but wasn't sure if it was that big of a deal. Anyway. Sorry. Weird stuff.
  8. Lazy, hopeless, depressive, painful, exhausting.
  9. I was similar, I didn't realize what I was feeling, but looking back, I totally do now. I was OBSESSED with the movie Casper when I was a kid. I absolutely loved Christina Ricci's character, and i was kinda crushing on the guy who played the human Casper. I knew back then that i found him attractive, but i couldn't figure out why I liked looking at Christina Ricci even more. I was also really into Michelle Trachtenburg and didn't understand why. Because she's freaking hot as hell and my little child brain knew that!
  10. I'm married, and i watch porn. I'm really only into gay/lesbian porn, and even then, it has to be done right. My favorites are Malena Morgan or Elle Alexandra, especially when they're together (although i do enjoy each of them with other girls too). They tend to be either very cinematic, or extremely realistic and silly... i love when they start playing around and giggling and tickling each other, you can tell they're very comfortable together and enjoy each other. I absolutely despise hetero porn. It's so male-centric and fake and cheesy. And generally speaking, the shit they're doing doesn't remotely look enjoyable for the woman (no, the fake moaning and screaming doesn't fool me). I do enjoy male-male porn though. Again, only when done the right way. Something about the juxtaposition of masculinity and tender sensuality turns me on a lot. Even just seeing two guys kissing long and slow gets me super wet. Not sure why. Haha.
  11. Well, i didn't ask, but last night she and i were out with some guy friends and one said something to the effect of "life is way easier for you two because you're attractive women", to which we both launched into why being an "attractive woman" can actually be annoying, and sometimes terrifying because of the advances made towards us and how many men seem incapable of taking no for an answer or keeping their hands off of women they're trying to pick up. She said that's why she tells everyone she's asexual. I told her i just assumed she was since she said so, and she said she is not. So, i guess she isn't. I didn't ask whether she was straight, though if she isn't, i assume she's very low on the spectrum. Man, my gaydar (or i guess in this case, sexuality gauge) is broken. Haha. Anyway, I'm not crushing on her or anything, it was just an odd thing. I am very intrigued by the concept of asexuality. As a very sexually charged person, I have a difficult time imagining/understanding beyond the fact that love and sexual attraction are not the same, and one can experience heightened feelings of one while the other feeling isn't there (i.e. sexual attraction with no romantic feelings, romantic feelings with no sexual attraction, both at once, or neither). @Ona, i would love to hear what asexuality means to you, as well as anyone else who falls on that spectrum. God, humans are so fascinating and we're all so different.
  12. I don't believe this is always the case, unless you mean on an individual basis. As I stated before, I'm completely and totally in love with my husband, and I'm very attracted to HIM (not so much other guys, this is why i mentioned the individual basis). But I don't fantasize about him like I did at the beginning of our relationship, mostly because I don't have to, I already have him. I fantasize constantly about women, because I don't have a definite chance to be with one. If I had equal or similar opportunity to be with a woman as I do him, I think the amount of fantasies about him and women would probably even out a bit. I also might have completely missed your point, sometimes I suck at comprehension
  13. I think that's a normal feeling. Assuming you are in fact still in love with him and there are no huge marital issues, it's very likely what the other ladies are saying, that it's new and exciting and consuming your thoughts. I don't fantasize about my husband like I did when i first met him, and I'm more likely to crave intimacy with a woman, but i think that's partially because i can have him anytime I want. I have noticed that anytime I get some lady action, my sex drive increases and I do desire him more, and our sexual energy is out of this world, sort of like how NRE (new relationship energy) can have a positive impact on an existing relationship for some polyamorous individuals/couples. I will say that i am more attracted to women than men, but that doesn't affect my love for my husband, it just makes it harder to focus on his penis when I'm craving some vag. It's really easy to fixate on something that's scarce or impossible to access. It's very possible that if you had the opportunity to have a woman too, that the fixation would subside, and you'd find that you are in fact still attracted to your husband.
  14. I don't really take selfies with my phone, and i don't edit ones that have been taken of me by other people. I did heavily darken my profile photo and converted to black and white to disguise who i am though i have no problem sending photos of what i look like privately as I'm more concerned with being recognized and having someone i know read things (about themselves or someone they may know) that I'm only comfortable expressing anonymously. But again, that wasn't a cell phone photo. I've taken some self portraits with my professional camera and will edit/retouch to the style I typically edit clients' photos, but I follow the rule that you don't remove blemishes that won't heal on their own, and don't alter someone's appearance so drastically that it doesn't represent what they look like in real life. A RAW image from a DSLR will capture more information than can be seen with the naked eye, and it's a still image that can be studied, therefore blemishes will appear more harshly and obvious than they would in real life. I will try to smooth skin a bit if necessary, but not to the point where skin texture is lost and faces look like porcelain. I've only used the liquify tool (the tool used to slim models' bodies that you see in magazines and such) when requested, and even then, i hated the way the images looked because they didn't fully represent the subject (my great aunt had me do boudoir photos of her, and i made the mistake of having them in photoshop as she was looking over my shoulder, pointing to places she wanted altered ). So, yeah. I'll remove a zit or two if I'm dealing with a high-quality image and processing in professional editing software, but i don't bother with altering cell phone images because generally they don't hold enough information to render the blemishes very noticeable. I also HATE Instagram and snapchat filters. They're like visual nails on a chalkboard to me!
  15. About 10 months ago, i made friends with a girl who walked into my bar while i was working. She'd just moved here from out of state and was exploring the city and stumbled upon the place. I thought i caught a "not straight" vibe from her right off, but that day I soon heard her make a remark about how she's not into women, but she'd spend $2 to see boobs (in response to one of our bar regulars saying he'd bought someone a $2 beer to see her boobs), so i pushed any thought i might have out of my head. She's not into women. Then found out a few days later that she was my new neighbor, and we've been super close ever since. She might be my best lady friend right now, actually. She's always loudly proclaimed she was asexual, so I completely believe(d) that. She's always being hit on, by men and women alike, and she's always politely and jokingly deflected any advance. Like, always. She's been on a couple of dates, but never got very excited about them, and always ended anything very quickly. I've never made any advance, by the way, and I often end up running any creeper hitting on her off of i can tell she isn't into it. . Anyway. She's always been very affectionate... it's in her personality. She's that way with almost anyone, if she's friends with them. So it's not just directed at me. She'll always slap my ass, hug me, kiss my cheek, tell me she's gonna fight my husband to the death for me, we're gonna get married, etc. It's all joking. But lately I'm starting to think she's not totally straight/asexual. I say this because... a few weeks ago, one of the bar regulars (a woman) who always hits on her was hugging her goodbye, and sneak kissed her on the lips. Neighbor girl looked shocked/not exactly happy, and said she was not expecting that, while Regular Chick said that was exactly what she intended to do. Which angered me a bit, because Neighbor has turned Regular down multiple times when she's made sexual advances (Regular girl has also informed me that she WILL have sex with me, despite me telling her im not interested... it's a weird scenario, she's very aggressive), and i don't think it's okay for ANYONE to go against someone else's wishes/boundaries, regardless of gender. Again, I'm very protective of Neighbor and get really mad if she's made uncomfortable. Anyway. About a week later, we were drunk and Neighbor was telling me goodbye, and kissed me directly on the lips. Which shocked me (not in a bad way, that's just never happened), but i brushed it off. Then about a week after that, she and i were ordering shots and I was sitting on a barstool with my legs tucked up and my ass kinda in the air, leaning over the bar to order. She slapped my ass, told me how fine it was, and asked me why i "gotta make her question her sexuality" and she's "supposed to be asexual, that's what she tells everyone". And that she's gonna steal me away from my husband. She and my husband are very close also, by the way, so that sort of joking isn't uncommon. I basically brushed that off too, because joking about being in love with me is a thing she does. Anyway, last night, we were out again, and we all got a little crazy. I was flirting super hard all night with my new coworker's girlfriend (who I'm kinda starting to crush on a little bit). I honestly don't remember at all what lead up to this, other than the fact that she was about to leave.... but Neighbor grabbed my face and kissed me again, only this time it wasn't a quick peck, she actually used a little bit of tongue, and made it last for a few seconds. I'm sure we said our goodbyes and "i love you"s afterward, then she left. But i can't completely remember. Is she really asexual/straight? Like, really? I'm not asking because I'm necessarily interested (only because i don't allow myself to have feelings for unavailable people, and when someone states a sexual orientation that indicates i don't fit into their scope of attraction, i take their word..... had i originally not heard her say she wasn't into women/is asexual, I probably would have been somewhat interested). I know most women don't do those things unless they have a reason, but you'd have to know this girl. She's a wildcard. Freespirited, boundary-less, humorous, and outside of social norms. And i don't think she's trying to play head games with me. I know she loves me and wouldn't play games. I've never given her any reason to believe she could, and even if i had, i don't think she would. She's very aware of my bisexuality (I've introduced her to my crush, and afterward she told me my crush was a beautiful woman and she can see why I'm so enamored by her). Is she curious and just comfortable enough with me to feel safe exploring those feelings? Is she really asexual? I know she can have feelings for men because she's had a crush and went on a date (which didn't work out), but I'm guessing that's more emotional than physical, so still within the realm of asexuality. I'm not reeling over this, not like i would had it been my crush saying/doing all of these things. And I'm not curious enough to ask her what's up, because that would probably be weird. I'm just confused and trying to figure it all out. I'm unsure of whether I'd want anything to come of it too, simply because i love that woman to death and would never want to ruin our relationship. She's just really suddenly giving me a "not asexual/straight" vibe again, for the first time since the first i met her and I'm trying to figure it out.