Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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Ambrosia last won the day on September 22 2017

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About Ambrosia

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    And The Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
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    A Clockwork Orange, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

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  1. The past week has been rough. Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of my husband's death, my mind has been everywhere, I had a dream that really shook me, and I've felt exceptionally alone. One of my husband's long time best friends, N, (who he dated in Junior high before she realized she was a lesbian.. She also works for my mom now) has been checking up on me every few days, and i had a really good,much needed talk with her about everything on my mind. Talking with her has pretty much kept me sane the past few days, she knew my husband for most of his life and she's completely non-judgemental. I told her about our situation with my girl and her husband, and how my husband's death has affected us, emotionally and sexually. I told her pretty much everything actually. She mentioned that my mom and sister wondered about my girl, considering she was so attached to me throughout the arrangements and the physical lack of distance between us, holding hands, arms frequently around each other, etc. My family is very Republican, religious, etc. Having a lesbian employee who pushes every boundary they have has helped open them up and become more accepting and question why they have certain values imposed by the church rather than thinking for themselves. I'm still uncomfortable with my parents knowing I'm bisexual and that my husband and I weren't monogamous. Though I'm thinking they may be onto me after N told me they'd mentioned something about my girl. Fantastic. N casually mentioned my (previously) teetotaling dad likes whiskey, which blew my mind. I texted my sister for verification and she confirmed that my parents now drink every so often (doesn't sound like a big deal unless you're familiar with the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement, even a drop of alcohol is of the devil). I said "all those years of hiding liquor and wine bottles when we knew they were dropping by, now this?" Sister said "they knew you drank, Ambrosia. They know you smoke too. They don't care, all they care about is you being happy and healthy. I feel like i can tell them anything" i told her i knew they know now that i smoke and drink, and i feel like i can tell them most things but not all. She asked me what sort of things? Not pills/hard drugs or anything, right? I told her definitely not, i barely take aspirin let alone pills or hard drugs. So, i told her I'm not straight. And H and I weren't monogamous. She asked, "are you and (my girl, she's G from now on) a thing?" I told her we used to be. She asked what happened, and i told her H died and the remaining three of us didn't know if or how we should proceed. She said "So you like dudes and girls?" So i told her the entire situation, our dynamic before he died, the bits of the night he died that I've always omitted because i didn't want to admit to anyone that we were in something deeper than just two couples hanging out. She took it much differently than i expected. She didn't treat me like I was a freak. She told me how sorry she was that I lost both H and my sexual relationship with G through all of this, empathized with me on how hard it must be to be dealing with such a complicated and heartbreaking situation while also living with G and her husband. She asked questions, what my relationship is like with G's husband (dear friends who don't sexually engage directly but aren't afraid of being naked in front of each other and love the same woman in different ways), if we ever traded opposite-sex partners (we didn't), if H ever slept with other women (we looked, but never found one), if I think the 3 of us will continue (we've discussed the possibility). I feel lighter. Accepted. Honest. I also admitted I've been casually hooking up with M, simply because my sex drive has been out of this world. She didn't judge me for that either. She listened and made me feel validated as i explained to her all of my feelings on the situation and how fucked up it is being 30 and diving into the single world for the first time in my adult life, especially since I'm on the opposite side of a deep, meaningful relationship that ended in death and have no interest in finding another, unlike a lot of singles who are hooking up with the intent of finding a partner. She validated my lack of desire to be with anyone romantically ever again, and assured me that i could be fulfilled without romance as long as I have meaningful friendships (which i have so many). Most people don't do that when i tell them I don't ever want a serious relationship again. They tell me I'll change my mind, I'll meet someone, the right person will come along despite my being adamant that I'm just not interested in coupling up and settling down again. I appreciated her willingness to listen to my wishes and not try to convince me otherwise. Today has been cathartic, after a super difficult and emotional week.
  2. I'm also very feminine looking, petite, long hair, usually wearing mascara and eyeliner (that's about all i have the energy for haha). I occasionally donne a cute dress or skirt, have recently added some more fashionable tops to my usual wardrobe of racer back tanks. Though usually I'm in boots, leggings, a tank top and a men's flannel shirt (husband and I used to share flannels, it worked out well! Haha). I don't think many people assume I'm no upon meeting me, but I've developed a habit of being vocal about , when the opportunity arises. Nearly all of my friends know my sexuality though I'm very much still in the closet to my family. One of my male co-workers once made the statement a while back, "Ambrosia has a husband, AND she's queer as fuck", made me smile. Guy friends and I (and my husband,while he was alive) have gotten pretty good at the eye contact communication when alerting each other "hey, I think she's pretty attractive..." . Lots of my lady friends fall somewhere on the spectrum as well, so I'm comfortable being open about my sexuality with them.
  3. Thank you @N00Bi <3 I appreciate that I've had so much support and care through this whole thing from my friends on this site, despite my not being around much lately. Sorry if I gave anyone a scare! Also thank you for validating my feelings on this. I've struggled with whether jumping into bed with someone this soon was TOO soon, though it doesn't feel wrong to me, I'm sure it wouldn't look good from the outside. I'm glad you and your husband have talked, and I hope he's understanding on how grief unravels you and creatures such a huge need to just feel SOMETHING that doesn't hurt. I also hope you two can come to an agreement on consensual non-monogamy. It can be extremely fulfilling and actually very bonding even for the couple, there's so much trust and communication built when it's done carefully. I honestly assumed the complete opposite, that I'd probably avoid sex and intimacy for quite a while, and once I was finally ready, I'd want only a woman. That was not what happened. It took me 2 months, almost to the day, and afterwards I was freaked out about how little guilt I had, and how I continued to crave sex. And yes. I feel like everyone assumes I should still be inconsolable and crying constantly. Most of the people in my life have returned to treating me normally, maybe a quick question of how I'm doing and a reminder that if I need anything they're there. I do still have the occasion where I'll run into someone I haven't seen since before he died, or shortly after, and it feels like they still expect me to be as fucked up as I was right afterward. I'm even having people I've never met (friends of friends, employees at local businesses, etc) approach me gently. Last night I ordered carryout from a local pub/restaurant, the one we went to with my girl and her husband just hours before he died, our last meal together. They always have paper table cloths and crayons for people to draw, and they framed and displayed the drawing my husband did that night. Just a silly sketch of an eyeball with some puns written around it. I walked in to get my food, and an employee I'd never seen before asked me if I'd seen the framed drawing in real life yet (the owner posted a photo to Facebook and tagged me to let me know). It was sweet. But yes, people (including myself, before all of this) assume that those who are grieving are in a constant, even state of dispair. I learned within the first 24 hours that it comes in waves... sometimes it hurts so badly I think my chest is going to cave in. Other times I feel numb and it doesn't even feel real, like he's just out of town or something. The waves aren't as extreme as before, and i do have longer periods of being "okay" (the first week, i spent every 20 minutes or so fluctuating between the numbness and feeling that it was all just a huge joke, then it would feel so real I thought I might actually die from the pain).. It's getting easier to keep up a happy exterior in public, generally I only fall apart when I'm alone. But having some form of intimacy, even though it's not that "in love", meaningful intimacy I had with husband, is comforting. And I do love M, not romantically, but I consider him one of my closest friends and care deeply for him. I don't think sex with a stranger or someone I didn't care for (especially someone who didn't know and love my husband) would have the same comforting affect for me. Thank you again! Thank you so much. It's been the single most difficult and heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. So, I guess I'm not really afraid of much of anything else at this point. You're so right, I feel like sex makes me feel something besides pain for a period at least. It helps take my mind off of things and feel like I mean something, if only just a temporary source of pleasure for a friend. I've been feeling... pointless lately. Sex alleviates that a bit. I've only told my girl and her husband, and my other best friend, all 3 were super understanding and supportive (though a bit shocked at my choice of person haha). We're pretty sure his roommate figured it out too, because I'd left my boots beside the front door one night (i was planning on going home that night but just stayed over instead), so he probably saw them when he left for work the next morning and they were still there when he came home and I was still hanging out. Apparently he also told M something to the effect of "could you at least wait until she moves in across the hall to fuck her?" He said the only other person he told was his dad, who I've never met so he has no idea who I am. So I'm pretty confidant that those who do know won't spread it around. And yeah, he's a cool dude. Never in a million years saw myself sleeping with him, but life is weird. And thank you! I'm hanging in there. I'm not really alright, but I'm trying to get to a place that resembles "alright" I'm not sure if I help comfort him or not, but he does help me. My husband was one of many friends M has lost to suicide, most of his others were friends from when he was in Iraq (I've actually always secretly worried about M, suicide rates of former military are scary high and the times I've seen him mourn a friend worried me for his mental health as well. He's said multiple times that if he didn't have his dog, he probably would have already put a bullet in his brain). We did discuss the potential for emotional response when we talked. And how it might be difficult at first. Which is why we've only just recently re-approached the topic. I think once they realized I was in a place where I could consider/was having sex again, they felt more comfortable bringing it up and asking if it was a thing that could still happen. They weren't sure how I would feel about it considering the entire circumstance. But considering the circumstance in my perspective, they're a comfortable place for me so thinking about intimacy with them feels secure and affirming. The love and connection I have with them is about the strongest relationship I have at this point, and they are two of the most important people to me. She is THE most important person to me, alive anyway. It was a good talk. One funny thing... They had his son the weekend we had the talk about it, and he was back in his bedroom, way out of ear shot. The three of us were mildly tipsy, so talking was easier. So anyway, We were discussing logistics, boundaries, what's acceptable, etc. and as we approached the topic of whether or not he was allowed to put his dick in my mouth (no p in v between us two), his son comes out talking about this helicopter he built, so the conversation abruptly paused. He put on his "dad" persona and showed interest in what his kid was saying as she and I were looking at each other, eyes wide, barely able to hold back giggles. Once he went back into his room, we ERUPTED in laughter and he said, "ya know, I never considered this before, but I remember times as a kid where I'd walk into the living room and all conversation would abruptly and awkwardly stop. Makes me wonder what weird shit my parents were talking about". They do know I'm sleeping with M. She was the first person I told. Actually, I'd told her I'd been horny as hell and was considering trying to hook up with someone before it ever even happened, and she basically helped me go through my options She actually brought him up as a suggestion (he'd crossed my mind before), but expressed reservation because he's kind of a bro and very much not my type (then again, her other recommendation (B) is super clingy and emotional... I was already considering him too, it was basically between M and B. But one night before we'd slept together, I was over at M's house and B drunk dialed me crying, being super cryptic, and telling me he wanted to cuddle, basically expressing feelings for me to some degree. Which freaked me out because I'm definitely not in a position to be dealing with emotions like that, and I definitely wouldn't want to lead him on, so B got nixed on potential hookups). Once it actually happened with M and I told her how casual and strangely satisfying it was, she was super supportive. And I'm guessing that's what lead them to realize a conversation about picking back up wouldn't shatter me, because I was ready for sex and already having it. M also knows about the situation between me, my girl, and our husbands, that we used to all sleep together, and that the three of us are discussing doing it again. I like to be transparent with current and potential sexual partners for everyone's safety and peace of mind. They don't know each other well, but M has expressed how highly he thinks of them, through all of this with my husband's death. They've taken such good care of me. Sex certainly is a comfort. and it's oddly comforting with people I care about, but aren't necessarily romantic prospects (which is actually how most of my casual sexual encounters have been, excluding one random girl I didn't really know who I hooked up with and hated it). As always, thank you @BiTriMama for your words of comfort, validation, and clarity I'm so sorry you lost your friend. I don't think you should feel guilty about that. As you said, sex is comfort, and the death of someone dear to you (particularly suicide, as it adds a whole different layer of horror and loss, as it forces you to consider that the pain the loved one suffered was so unbearable that they took their own life willingly) rips you open and leaves you raw. I completely understand the need to feel alive and human in that situation. I feel that need so much lately. I do think we will get to a sexual place again. Whether her husband would give his blessing on she and I alone, I'm not sure. I know right now he isn't comfortable with it. Which I understand. We were their first experience with non-monogamy, and we'd only been messing around with them for 2 months before he died. They're inexperienced with it. So maybe someday he'll get there... I hope so, because I'd love to be able to be alone with her sometimes. But I'm also happy with him involved too. It's really sort of a bonding experience, working together to try to get someone off haha.
  4. One memory that stands out clearly in my head.... the night I was wearing a high-waisted pencil skirt and climbed on top of my girl while we were making out on her bed. Then i heard the zipper on the back of my skirt and felt it release from around my waist as she pulled it off of me... that zipper sound. God..... Honestly, I'm all about naked sex. Recently started NSA sleeping with a dude friend, it annoys me when he leaves his shirt on during or puts clothes on after sex, before we fall asleep. Not sure why I care really whether he's clothed or not. I'm not about to put clothes on though, so i prefer my sexual partner to be naked too I guess.
  5. I've also only had sex with one woman I didn't have some sort of feelings for. Some random in a bar. It was legit horrible. I hated it. As she was (clearly faking) orgasm, the only thing I could think of was "This isn't my girl. Why am i doing this? I really want to be done now... seriously why are you so theatrical when i can clearly FEEL that you're not really cumming? I know what an orgasm feels like, and this is not it. SERIOUSLY stop, you sound like a damn porn star". I felt gross afterward. My first experience was with a close friend who i wasn't necessarily physically attracted to, but whom I love dearly. I don't think i could have had a better first. Then, there's my girl. I've been physically attracted to her for years. I began falling in love with her before we slept together. Once we finally did, it was magical. We haven't been sexually together in 3 months, perhaps we will again some day, perhaps not. I miss it. But I still have her presence in my life, she's my best friend in the world. I will always love her in some way, sex or no sex.
  6. Yep, had to take a break, sort through thoughts and stuff. I'm managing. Everything is different and I'm basically lost. But managing! Hope you're well <3
  7. For years, i thought i was strictly bisexual, heteroromantic. Then I met my girl and realized i could fall in love with a woman. I won't end up with her. We won't be together beyond sex and friendship. She's my best friend. She's married to one of my best guy friends. I don't think I'll end up with anyone, but at this point I'm convinced if I settle down again and have a relationship, it will be with a woman.
  8. I've been gone a while, I'll post more about the past 3 months later. The last time I posted, my husband had just died. I was raw and inconsolable. I haven't healed yet, and I don't think I ever will. But the idea of trying to find my new "normal" is getting easier. Sometimes I can almost get mildly excited about being single and completely free, I've never had that in my adult life... really in my life at all. But most of the time I walk around with a giant void feeling in my chest and just wish I could go back to what was familiar and comfortable and meaningful and loving. I want my love back, more than anything in the world. I'm just recently accepting that I cannot, ever again. It fucking hurts. Anyway. Pushing emotional stuff aside for now. I've experienced something fairly odd the past month or so.. I've definitely heard of a decrease in sex drive during bereavement, probably having to do with sorrow, physical and emotional exhaustion, inability to focus on anything but the lost spouse, etc. I'm suddenly experiencing quite the opposite. I do experience extreme sorrow, inability to focus, exhaustion, and a myriad of other fun things. But if I'm not battling tears and feeling lonely and generally hopeless, and I can manage to find a relatively good headspace (which is slowly getting more frequent), all I can think about is sex. I crave it, I'm ravenous. I've always had a pretty healthy sex drive, and I've noticed it increasing within the past few years. And I suppose the fact that 3 months ago, I had an exceptionally fulfilling sex life that seemed to be getting more and more exciting, only to have it taken away from me suddenly might play in (husband and I were hooking up with my long time crush/best friend and her husband for a few months before he died, now I'm living with them and we haven't slept together since... so i lost them both at once basically and that opens up a whole lot more emotions than i care to get into right now). She, her husband and I have recently discussed the possibility of eventually resuming, though we're not sure how it will go considering we're missing a big part of the dynamic we're used to. The four of us had developed a pretty fucking awesome thing together, and they were with me when i found him, so the remaining three of us are scarred... and honestly probably have PTSD. So we'll see how intimacy goes. I think it will be emotional for all of us at first, possibly a trainwreck. I know it's never going to be the same. I'm afraid it's going to hurt actually, at least at first. But everything i experience lately already hurts, so... It doesn't make me feel guilty considering sleeping with them (her, really, I won't be with her husband), when my husband was alive, we all did it together and i don't believe he'd expect me to stop sleeping with her, especially since i can't sleep with him now either. They were my two exclusive partners, all I ever wanted. He always encouraged my relationship with her, and the night before he died, he was even drunkenly telling her how she and i needed to have more one-on-one sexy time together to get used to each other's bodies and how they respond to reach other (which embarrassed me at the time...) One thing that i can't decide if I'm a horrible person for or not... shortly after reality started to set in and my libido freaked out on me, i was hanging out with a close guy friend of mine and my husband's, M. We've always been platonic, like "bros" (still are, with a caveat), he and my husband were close friends, we referred to each other as work spouses when he worked at my bar (basically everyone had a work spouse back then, i also had a work wife who was kind of my work husband's other work wife... just realized i was poly at work too! haha) and he's going to be my neighbor for a couple of months until he moves. Anyway, we went out to the bar, had a few beers, went back to his place to smoke and have a couple more beers, and i was gonna call a ride home, like we've done for several years. I honestly assumed that my first sexual experience after his death would end up in tears... I've been both dying for it and dreading it. Anyway, M and I were talking about girls or something (M always calls me a lesbian.. I've given up on correcting him), and he said he loved eating pussy. I told him I did too (he knew that already). Then he looked at me blankly and this exchange happened: M- "want me to eat you out?" Me- "are you being serious?" M- "yeah." Me- "...oddly, I'd prefer dick right now..." M- "are YOU being serious?" Me- "yeah" M- "....wanna go to my room?" Me- "yup" Which was pretty cool. No stupid dance around the topic, no pointless flirting, no pseudo-romantic bullshit at all, just to the point, try to get each other off and that's it. Perfect. So i also discovered I'm definitely bi. I always assumed if something happened to my husband and he was no longer in my life, I'd discover I was a lesbian all along, and that I happened to fall in love with a man. Nope. Still like the D. I don't have romantic feelings for M at all, only strong friendship feelings like I've had for the past 6 years, since i met him. I'm not even sure I'm physically attracted to him, actually. His body's kinda bangin (especially digging the copious amounts of tattoos and somewhat muscular build), but his face just looks like a friend, any other dude, which is a weird mix of "oh damn..." and just... comfort and slight awkwardness. We've been clear from the beginning that it's just sex (he and i both have good track records with sleeping with friends and remaining friends after benefits end, so I'm not concerned about ruining the friendship with weirdness). We've also decided to keep it secret... most people in our community understand (and participate in) sex with friends... but not many (if any) have been widowed so they likely don't consider that sex drive doesn't die with the spouse, especially when we were in a consensual non-monogamous relationship to begin with. Totally fine to start comfort banging after a breakup, but widow sex seems to be universally taboo, which is stupid. I still need to get off, and i get sick of doing it myself. So i guess I don't actually feel guilty about that either, i just don't want our friends to assume that after a meaningful, decade-long relationship with the love of my life, I'm just moving on, or that M's swooping in on an injured lamb and taking advantage of my vulnerability, when we're merely engaging in mutually beneficial banging with a friend. Definitely not into dating this guy (or anyone, honestly), and he's not into dating me either. So not afraid of the feelings thing either. I know there will be inevitable warnings about how these sorts of things don't work out. I don't expect, nor do I want it to "work out" in the typical sense, but i know our friendship will remain after the physical aspect has fizzled. I know me, I know him, I know us. Anyway. So yeah. Apparently life is generally empty, grief boosts my libido, and I'm not completely grossed out by penises that aren't my husband's. That's what I've learned lately..
  9. I'm in love with a dead man and a married woman. Not real sure what to do with that. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. TBD78


      Sending hugs.  Let your friend give you the comfort you need.  

    3. blueberry


      Hang in there. You're gonna get through this. 

    4. BenedettaC


      You need to look after yourself right now, so try to relax and not tax yourself unnecessarily. 

  10. Why didn't I push you harder to seek help? Why did you refuse treatment? How am I going to go on without you, I love you more than anything or anyone.  I wish I'd known how much you were hurting.  I've lost my heart, and all I want is to tell you I love you one last time. To see your eyes gazing lovingly into mine once more. To hear your voice, to feel you pressed against me. To kiss your lips.  I'm broken knowing you died alone, and that I'll never get the chance to grow old with you.  

    1. Show previous comments  13 more
    2. Hungry


      Such terrible news. There are no words for what you're feeling or how awful this is. Take your time and know that everyone here supports and cares for you even at a distance..  It was his battle and did the best you could.  Don't be afraid to reach out here :)

    3. BenedettaC


      I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending you much compassion. 

    4. KAHcurious


      Sending you thoughts and prayers.  So sorry for your loss.

  11. Yeah, facial hair changes the game completely. With a woman (or shaved male), they tend to wipe their chins before kissing (even if they don't, it's easier cleanup), and all you get is your taste from their mouth (which again, turns me on thinking about why that taste is in their mouth), no mess. With bearded individuals, wiping the face doesn't help, it saturates the beard/moustache, and ends up depositing soggy, gross wetness onto your chin/lips/surrounding area while simultaneously scratching your skin. Not fun.
  12. After further experience, I'm gonna double down on this. Hell yes on kissing a facially hairless person after they've gone down on me. I also tend to lick my fingers after i masturbate...
  13. Oh dear God. I couldn't choose. I love my husband's penis and couldn't give it up. But i love oral from my lady. Husband is okay at oral, and I've never tried objects (other than fingers) with her, so basically I'd potentially be giving up the most satisfying part of each of them by choosing. If i had to choose one to keep, I'd probably choose penis (or object). At least he can get off with me that way, which is about 70% of my sexual satisfaction (getting my other off).. and she and i could figure out how to use a strap on (or strapless.. sounds more fun for everyone).
  14. Husband has always told me how sexy it is to see your girl walking around the house in nothing but your flannel shirt... yesterday I learned how true that is :wub:

  15. Best Halloween party ever. Hottest night ever. And morning. Wow.