Ambrosia

Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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Ambrosia last won the day on September 22 2017

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About Ambrosia

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  • Favourite Book
    And The Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
  • Favourite Film
    A Clockwork Orange, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
  1. My best friend is my former crush/fwb. The other day i was asking her advice about a boy, and she told me she knows me, and that it's not easy to just "get over" me. It made me smile. And remember how perfect life was for just a little bit. She was so difficult to "get over" too. I'm shocked I ever did. I'm so lucky to have her in my life, to have had the experiences with her we used to share, and to have her by my side through the hardest thing I've dealt with.  I love her, so, so much. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Cute&Curious

      Cute&Curious

      Well I’m sorry it didn’t work out

    3. Ambrosia

      Ambrosia

      Me too. I miss what we had. What the 4 of us had. If her husband weren't in the picture, I'd marry that girl so fast. But my heart would also break if she ever lost him. 

    4. ChemFem

      ChemFem

      Difficult situation indeed. Glad you can still be present for each other as friends.

       

  2. I'm 6 months in after my husband died. I still miss him so much, but I feel like I'm making good progress on healing, acceptance, and pulling my life together. I still have a long, long way to go, but I feel like I'm getting there. I've even recently started considering going back to school to get into crisis intervention and/or counseling victims of traumatic experiences. Anyway. About two months after his death, my sex drive skyrocketed. It's always been high, but I've always had the ability to have sex anytime I wanted because he was available. Then I went two months without and I almost went insane. I started hooking up with a close friend/former coworker/current neighbor, and from the very beginning, we were super clear on what it is: just friends having sex. It's worked out surprisingly well. He lives out of town about 5 days a week, and when he's in town, he usually stays over one of the nights. It's not great sex, but it's comfortable and fun. No romantic feelings, no complications, we can get done having sex and roll over and talk about the other people we're sleeping with absolutely zero jealousy. He actually thanked me a week or so ago for being the only girl he's hooked up with casually without things getting weird. Anyway. I was with my husband for over a decade, and while slept with about 3 women over that time period, I'd never had a "sleeping around" period until recently. So I met a guy online who seemed fairly cute and nice, and we met up and went out, again, with the strict rule that it was just sex. Long story short, the date was pretty bad, but the sex was hands-down the worst I've ever had in my life. Like, not just disappointing, but actively horrible. I ended up leaving in the middle of it (as he was passed out drunk on the toilet) and went to the bar I work at to play pool and shake off the bad experience. I ran into a guy I'd seen around town for the past couple of years, but I barely knew. We have mutual friends, but always kind of ran in different circles. We'd ended up in random pool games together for a couple of weeks prior, and he came back to a friend's house with a group of us one night to hang out, but nothing was really going on. Honestly, I sort of thought he was gay, because despite being extremely attractive I'd never seen him out with girls and the majority of his friends are gay, including his roommate. Then, this night happened. We hung out, played pool, and I got a little more drunk than I intended to, but needed to get home because the bars were closing and there weren't any ubers available. He offered to let me hang out at his house to sober up a bit before I drove the rest of the way home. So I went over, smoked a little with him and his roommate, watched some TV, and his roommate went to bed. Then he started to get a little closer, cuddled up a bit, and suddenly his hand was down the front of my dress. I remember thinking "Ohh, okay. This is happening? I'm in." We ended up having sex on his couch for like an hour and a half. It wasn't mind-blowing, but it was pretty good.. definitely better than the experience I had earlier that night. Unlike the first guy (who kept asking to take the condom off), he was sweet, respectful, and even supplied the condom so I wasn't using my own. So we smoked a cigarette and I went home. He texted a few days later and asked what i was up to, told him i was at the bar picking up the keys for work tomorrow and having a beer. He said he was thinking about going, and i told him i wouldn't be out late, but if he wanted to come by for a game, I'd challenge him. Didn't go home with him that night, but he texted a few hours later to thank me for playing pool on a Tuesday. So that Friday night, I was out with friends for karaoke at the bar I work at. He walked in and my stomach kinda fluttered. He walked over, hugged me, asked if I wanted to play pool. During our game, it was my turn to sing a sing with a friend, so we went up there and he followed, sat on the stage behind us as we sang, then we went back to our game. When the night started slowing down and he was getting ready to leave, he came over to me and said "my roommate wants to smoke with you again if you wanna come over". I'm thinking "riiiight, your roommate wants to smoke with me", so I said I might. Didn't want to tell him face-to-face that I was on my period. After he left, he texted and said they'd be up for a while. I texted him back and said "Cool! So, here's the thing. I can't like... have the night go the way it did last time, not sure if that's even what you had in mind. Next week, totally, if that's what you want, buuut I'm currently kinda.. decommissioned". He responded with "hahahahaha it's fine. Just come over and smoke". I told him okay, and sorry that was weird, he said it wasn't weird, and he didn't care about that anyway. So I went over, hung out with him and his roommate, then roommate went to bed. He cuddled up to me again, laid behind me on the couch with my head kind of resting on his leg, stroking me a little. Then I felt he was rock hard, which made my mind kind of explode. I started rubbing him through his pants, and finally sat up and got a condom. Told him I could only go down on him because I'm bleeding. So i started on him, he was rubbing my legs and finally my crotch while I was going down on him, and finally I stopped and told him he was driving me crazy. He giggled and asked why, I told him because the way he was touching me was making me want him but I couldn't. He said it didn't bother him to have sex while I'm bleeding. So I was like, it's gonna make a mess... he said "it's a dark couch". That round was MIND-BLOWING. He was so animalistic. At one point he was on top of me, his body weight holding me down (he's over 6' easily and more muscular than I'm used to, I'm 5'1" and very petite), his hand around my neck pinning me down gently but firmly. Holy shit. I don't even know how long we went for, but it was fantastic. When we finished up, we hopped in the shower, i replaced my tampon, and I left. Couldn't find my cigarettes once I got to my car, so I texted to ask if they were inside. He said they weren't, but I could have his. I told him I'd stop for more on the way home, but if i could just steal one, so he brought one out to me. A few days later I had just moved into my new place downtown, about 2 blocks from where I work. I definitely wanted to break the new place in right, so I texted him and told him I was out with friends playing pool if he wanted to join. He was at the other bar playing, and told me to come there for a game. He was only going to be there for one more drink, and his roommate rode with him. So i went over, and when his roommate was ready to leave, he decided to drop them off and come back. Played another game, then asked if he wanted to come back to my place. That boy.... we'd both get off, we'd cuddle and talk for a bit, and he'd be ready to go again in like 15 minutes. We went for like 3 rounds, at it until the sun started coming up. So I was really, really enjoying the sex. But still firmly believing it was JUST sex. He came over a few more times after the bar over the next couple of weeks, it was kind of turning into beer, pool, sex kind of thing. He knew my husband had passed just a few months before, and he made the comment once during one of our mid-sex cuddle breaks that he hadn't been in a relationship in like 5 years (i don't remember what brought that up). So the risk of feelings and stuff hadn't even crossed my mind. About a month after we'd started hanging out, a mutual friend of ours (who bartends at the other bar) pulled me aside and told me I should be careful with him, he's a nice guy but he tends to be a little narcissistic. I assured him we weren't getting emotionally attached, we were just hooking up, so I'd be okay. A few days later, pretty boy started seeming a little flaky. He'd still sometimes come over, but started declining my invites more frequently. He texted me one day shortly before I was getting off work and asked what i was doing. Told him I was working and he asked when I got off. I told him, then asked what he was doing later and he didn't respond. Later, i asked if he fell asleep and he said he did. Then, we went for about 2 weeks without sleeping together. Over that time, he'd declined coming back with me about 3 times consecutively but he was still pretty flirty while we were out, still occasionally texting to see what I was doing. So the day after the third time, I texted him and asked if we were done fucking, and that he won't offend me if he says yes, I just don't want to keep trying to get him into bed if he doesn't want to. He responded and said "no no, I just had to work early today". So i left it at that, and maybe 4 or 5 days later, asked him once more to come back. He said he was too drunk. So I never invited him again. So that went on for about two weeks. Then one Wednesday night, I was out by myself after an 11 hour day of work, and I had to open the next morning too. He showed up, had ridden with his roommate who was only planning on having one quick beer and then leaving. He told me he was going to stay longer than his roommate, and he'd just get an uber home. So his roommate left, and we continued to play, finished our beers and had a cigarette outside. He asked if i wanted to go to the bar I work at, and i told him they were probably closed, so he said he'd run over and check (the bars are about 2-3 blocks apart). He started walking away, then turned around and walked back to me, kissed me, and went to check my bar. The kiss threw me for a loop, we'd never kissed outside of sex, and he hadn't seemed interested in sleeping with me in about 2 weeks. He came back, said the bar was closed and that he'd called an uber. So i waited with him, and when his ride arrived, he hugged me goodbye, said "wait, i need to touch your boob a little bit" and cupped my boob in his hand. So i grabbed at his crotch, we made weird flirty faces at each other, and he left. In hindsight, i halfway feel like he was trying to get me to ask him back, but I'm not sure. The next night, his roommate came out without him. I was with a guy friend of mine, and towards the end of the night the bar was basically empty. Roommate was hitting on a dude I'd never seen before, and finally the guy said "well, I'm straight", and roommate said "well then this isn't gonna work out". I was drunk, horny, and seriously believing pretty boy was playing mind games with me, with the flirting, declining sex, and randomly kissing me out of the blue. So i sort of set my sights on this stranger. The four of us stood outside for a while talking, and apparently I was missing some creeper vibes from this guy that roommate and my dude friend had already picked up on. I don't even remember what I said, but apparently it was something to the effect of "I'm just trying to get dick tonight". I just remember my dude friend throwing up his arms and saying "I'm out" and starting to walk away. Then roommate looked at me with this *look* and said "(Ambrosia), do you need a ride home?" (Again, i live 2 blocks from the bar). I started realizing what was going on, and i told him sure. I didn't want the stranger to follow me home. So roommate took me home. The next night, I went out and both pretty boy and his roommate were there. Pretty boy saw me and started theatrically flirting with my (unavailable) girl friend, which was super out of character. So i brushed it off and went inside to play pool. We needed a 4th, so my friend told me to go ask pretty boy to join. When he answered, he had a sort of pissed off/closed off tone and said "I think I'm done playing pool for the night". Then 20 minutes later he was racking up a game with another guy. I could tell he was purposefully ignoring me and being super cold, so i hung back mostly and had fun with my friends. I'd occasionally go up and poke him or make faces at him, which he awkwardly returned. He did hug me goodbye that night. So the next day, it sort of hit me. His behavior towards me from Wednesday to Friday was like night and day. His roommate had to have told him the stupid thing I did. Over the next week or so, he kind of warmed up to me, but he's still fairly distant. I still can't tell if he was trying to play me, or if I was accidently playing him by making assumptions that he was just fucking with me. But I sort of realized then that I'd really been enjoying his company, and obviously I'm very physically/sexually attracted to him. I basically fucked up. Over the next week, I was trying to get the opportunity to ask him about him being obviously upset at me, but there was always someone around. Finally, I got the chance but i kind of wasted my opportunity to let him know I definitely knew something was up, basically just said "so, you were upset with me last weekend, why?" As I assumed he would, he denied being upset. I was too nervous to press the issue and tell him I'm not blind, he was definitely treating me differently, and just said "okay. Sure." And left it at that. Since I don't even know what i said to the stranger in front of his roommate, i didn't know how to even ask if it had to do with that. But I'm sure it did. About a week later, we kissed goodbye out of the blue again. Then he was gone for some training or something with the National Guard for a week (his roommate mentioned where he was while he was gone, in addition to talking him up and saying how talented and great he was). I've seen him two or three times since he got back, he still initiates pool games, but he's seemed fairly distant and distracted. I can't decide if he actually kind of liked me and I fucked it up, or if he really is a narcissist who thought I might be a good target. I really hate that we didn't lay out on the table what it was from the beginning, like I did with my neighbor. Because now I think I actually kind of have some sort of feelings for him, and there was no platform to even bring up the fact that things sort of changed on my end and I'm interested in getting to know him better. And since his interest seems to be waning, I don't know how to non-awkwardly bring it up. I don't want to jump right into a relationship with this guy, but I wish I could go back to when things were kind of fresh and let him know that if he's into it, I'd like to get to know him outside of casual sex and running into each other at the bar. I want to know his thoughts on things, because I'm kind of in a limbo right now. I'd like to continue things, but I don't know if he does, and since we haven't slept together in over a month, it kind of feels awkward to randomly bring it up again. And if he's not into it, I could easily get over it but I don't want to just assume and pass up on something I've enjoyed. How do I ask him if he really was over it when he said he wasn't, or if I did something to make him think I was over it?
  3. The past week has been rough. Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of my husband's death, my mind has been everywhere, I had a dream that really shook me, and I've felt exceptionally alone. One of my husband's long time best friends, N, (who he dated in Junior high before she realized she was a lesbian.. She also works for my mom now) has been checking up on me every few days, and i had a really good,much needed talk with her about everything on my mind. Talking with her has pretty much kept me sane the past few days, she knew my husband for most of his life and she's completely non-judgemental. I told her about our situation with my girl and her husband, and how my husband's death has affected us, emotionally and sexually. I told her pretty much everything actually. She mentioned that my mom and sister wondered about my girl, considering she was so attached to me throughout the arrangements and the physical lack of distance between us, holding hands, arms frequently around each other, etc. My family is very Republican, religious, etc. Having a lesbian employee who pushes every boundary they have has helped open them up and become more accepting and question why they have certain values imposed by the church rather than thinking for themselves. I'm still uncomfortable with my parents knowing I'm bisexual and that my husband and I weren't monogamous. Though I'm thinking they may be onto me after N told me they'd mentioned something about my girl. Fantastic. N casually mentioned my (previously) teetotaling dad likes whiskey, which blew my mind. I texted my sister for verification and she confirmed that my parents now drink every so often (doesn't sound like a big deal unless you're familiar with the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement, even a drop of alcohol is of the devil). I said "all those years of hiding liquor and wine bottles when we knew they were dropping by, now this?" Sister said "they knew you drank, Ambrosia. They know you smoke too. They don't care, all they care about is you being happy and healthy. I feel like i can tell them anything" i told her i knew they know now that i smoke and drink, and i feel like i can tell them most things but not all. She asked me what sort of things? Not pills/hard drugs or anything, right? I told her definitely not, i barely take aspirin let alone pills or hard drugs. So, i told her I'm not straight. And H and I weren't monogamous. She asked, "are you and (my girl, she's G from now on) a thing?" I told her we used to be. She asked what happened, and i told her H died and the remaining three of us didn't know if or how we should proceed. She said "So you like dudes and girls?" So i told her the entire situation, our dynamic before he died, the bits of the night he died that I've always omitted because i didn't want to admit to anyone that we were in something deeper than just two couples hanging out. She took it much differently than i expected. She didn't treat me like I was a freak. She told me how sorry she was that I lost both H and my sexual relationship with G through all of this, empathized with me on how hard it must be to be dealing with such a complicated and heartbreaking situation while also living with G and her husband. She asked questions, what my relationship is like with G's husband (dear friends who don't sexually engage directly but aren't afraid of being naked in front of each other and love the same woman in different ways), if we ever traded opposite-sex partners (we didn't), if H ever slept with other women (we looked, but never found one), if I think the 3 of us will continue (we've discussed the possibility). I feel lighter. Accepted. Honest. I also admitted I've been casually hooking up with M, simply because my sex drive has been out of this world. She didn't judge me for that either. She listened and made me feel validated as i explained to her all of my feelings on the situation and how fucked up it is being 30 and diving into the single world for the first time in my adult life, especially since I'm on the opposite side of a deep, meaningful relationship that ended in death and have no interest in finding another, unlike a lot of singles who are hooking up with the intent of finding a partner. She validated my lack of desire to be with anyone romantically ever again, and assured me that i could be fulfilled without romance as long as I have meaningful friendships (which i have so many). Most people don't do that when i tell them I don't ever want a serious relationship again. They tell me I'll change my mind, I'll meet someone, the right person will come along despite my being adamant that I'm just not interested in coupling up and settling down again. I appreciated her willingness to listen to my wishes and not try to convince me otherwise. Today has been cathartic, after a super difficult and emotional week.
  4. I think that might be the case, my mind trying to get closure. Obviously did a shit job of it considering he didn't even finish what he was trying to say and disappeared as soon as i looked away to get confirmation that he was actually standing there, i think it's messed me up even more. I wish I were the sort of person who could believe he was actually trying to communicate with me. I think it would comfort me. Instead I think my mind just complicated my feelings.
  5. I woke up sobbing. I still haven't quite calmed down. It's like a deep sad feeling, longing, but also oddly comforting despite it not being a real interaction. I wish I could believe it was him actually coming to me and trying to talk to me, but I just don't think I do.
  6. I'm also very feminine looking, petite, long hair, usually wearing mascara and eyeliner (that's about all i have the energy for haha). I occasionally donne a cute dress or skirt, have recently added some more fashionable tops to my usual wardrobe of racer back tanks. Though usually I'm in boots, leggings, a tank top and a men's flannel shirt (husband and I used to share flannels, it worked out well! Haha). I don't think many people assume I'm no upon meeting me, but I've developed a habit of being vocal about , when the opportunity arises. Nearly all of my friends know my sexuality though I'm very much still in the closet to my family. One of my male co-workers once made the statement a while back, "Ambrosia has a husband, AND she's queer as fuck", made me smile. Guy friends and I (and my husband,while he was alive) have gotten pretty good at the eye contact communication when alerting each other "hey, I think she's pretty attractive..." . Lots of my lady friends fall somewhere on the spectrum as well, so I'm comfortable being open about my sexuality with them.
  7. I just woke up from a nap. I dreamed about my husband. I've dreamed about him several times since he died, but this was the first time I knew in my dream he was dead. I was sitting at a counter with a friend i haven't seen in a few years, one of my old best friends from high school, she was on my right and i looked over to my left and he was standing right there, visibly upset. I assumed it was my imagination so i kissed him and he didn't disappear, but his lips were so pale, the way they were when I went to see him before cremation. I asked him if he was really there and he said he was. I asked if he was alive and he said no. The scar on his arm was gone, instead he had a really dark, large, almost bruised looking spot in its place. He looked like he was crying and i kept asking him what was wrong. He kept saying "(my name), I'm so... I'm so s..." and his face looked like it was starting to wither or melt. I looked over at my friend and she looked sad and terrified, i asked her if she saw him and she nodded yes. Then i looked back to my left and he was gone. I wish i hadn't looked away. He felt warm when I touched him. Then i realized i was dreaming and tried to bring him back but i couldn't. I know it was a dream, but I wish it would have lasted longer. I know I can't really talk to him, but even those few seconds where my mind invented a scenario where he was there, I heard his voice... I wanted to talk to him more. I miss him so much. This hurts so much.
  8. Thank you @N00Bi <3 I appreciate that I've had so much support and care through this whole thing from my friends on this site, despite my not being around much lately. Sorry if I gave anyone a scare! Also thank you for validating my feelings on this. I've struggled with whether jumping into bed with someone this soon was TOO soon, though it doesn't feel wrong to me, I'm sure it wouldn't look good from the outside. I'm glad you and your husband have talked, and I hope he's understanding on how grief unravels you and creatures such a huge need to just feel SOMETHING that doesn't hurt. I also hope you two can come to an agreement on consensual non-monogamy. It can be extremely fulfilling and actually very bonding even for the couple, there's so much trust and communication built when it's done carefully. I honestly assumed the complete opposite, that I'd probably avoid sex and intimacy for quite a while, and once I was finally ready, I'd want only a woman. That was not what happened. It took me 2 months, almost to the day, and afterwards I was freaked out about how little guilt I had, and how I continued to crave sex. And yes. I feel like everyone assumes I should still be inconsolable and crying constantly. Most of the people in my life have returned to treating me normally, maybe a quick question of how I'm doing and a reminder that if I need anything they're there. I do still have the occasion where I'll run into someone I haven't seen since before he died, or shortly after, and it feels like they still expect me to be as fucked up as I was right afterward. I'm even having people I've never met (friends of friends, employees at local businesses, etc) approach me gently. Last night I ordered carryout from a local pub/restaurant, the one we went to with my girl and her husband just hours before he died, our last meal together. They always have paper table cloths and crayons for people to draw, and they framed and displayed the drawing my husband did that night. Just a silly sketch of an eyeball with some puns written around it. I walked in to get my food, and an employee I'd never seen before asked me if I'd seen the framed drawing in real life yet (the owner posted a photo to Facebook and tagged me to let me know). It was sweet. But yes, people (including myself, before all of this) assume that those who are grieving are in a constant, even state of dispair. I learned within the first 24 hours that it comes in waves... sometimes it hurts so badly I think my chest is going to cave in. Other times I feel numb and it doesn't even feel real, like he's just out of town or something. The waves aren't as extreme as before, and i do have longer periods of being "okay" (the first week, i spent every 20 minutes or so fluctuating between the numbness and feeling that it was all just a huge joke, then it would feel so real I thought I might actually die from the pain).. It's getting easier to keep up a happy exterior in public, generally I only fall apart when I'm alone. But having some form of intimacy, even though it's not that "in love", meaningful intimacy I had with husband, is comforting. And I do love M, not romantically, but I consider him one of my closest friends and care deeply for him. I don't think sex with a stranger or someone I didn't care for (especially someone who didn't know and love my husband) would have the same comforting affect for me. Thank you again! Thank you so much. It's been the single most difficult and heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. So, I guess I'm not really afraid of much of anything else at this point. You're so right, I feel like sex makes me feel something besides pain for a period at least. It helps take my mind off of things and feel like I mean something, if only just a temporary source of pleasure for a friend. I've been feeling... pointless lately. Sex alleviates that a bit. I've only told my girl and her husband, and my other best friend, all 3 were super understanding and supportive (though a bit shocked at my choice of person haha). We're pretty sure his roommate figured it out too, because I'd left my boots beside the front door one night (i was planning on going home that night but just stayed over instead), so he probably saw them when he left for work the next morning and they were still there when he came home and I was still hanging out. Apparently he also told M something to the effect of "could you at least wait until she moves in across the hall to fuck her?" He said the only other person he told was his dad, who I've never met so he has no idea who I am. So I'm pretty confidant that those who do know won't spread it around. And yeah, he's a cool dude. Never in a million years saw myself sleeping with him, but life is weird. And thank you! I'm hanging in there. I'm not really alright, but I'm trying to get to a place that resembles "alright" I'm not sure if I help comfort him or not, but he does help me. My husband was one of many friends M has lost to suicide, most of his others were friends from when he was in Iraq (I've actually always secretly worried about M, suicide rates of former military are scary high and the times I've seen him mourn a friend worried me for his mental health as well. He's said multiple times that if he didn't have his dog, he probably would have already put a bullet in his brain). We did discuss the potential for emotional response when we talked. And how it might be difficult at first. Which is why we've only just recently re-approached the topic. I think once they realized I was in a place where I could consider/was having sex again, they felt more comfortable bringing it up and asking if it was a thing that could still happen. They weren't sure how I would feel about it considering the entire circumstance. But considering the circumstance in my perspective, they're a comfortable place for me so thinking about intimacy with them feels secure and affirming. The love and connection I have with them is about the strongest relationship I have at this point, and they are two of the most important people to me. She is THE most important person to me, alive anyway. It was a good talk. One funny thing... They had his son the weekend we had the talk about it, and he was back in his bedroom, way out of ear shot. The three of us were mildly tipsy, so talking was easier. So anyway, We were discussing logistics, boundaries, what's acceptable, etc. and as we approached the topic of whether or not he was allowed to put his dick in my mouth (no p in v between us two), his son comes out talking about this helicopter he built, so the conversation abruptly paused. He put on his "dad" persona and showed interest in what his kid was saying as she and I were looking at each other, eyes wide, barely able to hold back giggles. Once he went back into his room, we ERUPTED in laughter and he said, "ya know, I never considered this before, but I remember times as a kid where I'd walk into the living room and all conversation would abruptly and awkwardly stop. Makes me wonder what weird shit my parents were talking about". They do know I'm sleeping with M. She was the first person I told. Actually, I'd told her I'd been horny as hell and was considering trying to hook up with someone before it ever even happened, and she basically helped me go through my options She actually brought him up as a suggestion (he'd crossed my mind before), but expressed reservation because he's kind of a bro and very much not my type (then again, her other recommendation (B) is super clingy and emotional... I was already considering him too, it was basically between M and B. But one night before we'd slept together, I was over at M's house and B drunk dialed me crying, being super cryptic, and telling me he wanted to cuddle, basically expressing feelings for me to some degree. Which freaked me out because I'm definitely not in a position to be dealing with emotions like that, and I definitely wouldn't want to lead him on, so B got nixed on potential hookups). Once it actually happened with M and I told her how casual and strangely satisfying it was, she was super supportive. And I'm guessing that's what lead them to realize a conversation about picking back up wouldn't shatter me, because I was ready for sex and already having it. M also knows about the situation between me, my girl, and our husbands, that we used to all sleep together, and that the three of us are discussing doing it again. I like to be transparent with current and potential sexual partners for everyone's safety and peace of mind. They don't know each other well, but M has expressed how highly he thinks of them, through all of this with my husband's death. They've taken such good care of me. Sex certainly is a comfort. and it's oddly comforting with people I care about, but aren't necessarily romantic prospects (which is actually how most of my casual sexual encounters have been, excluding one random girl I didn't really know who I hooked up with and hated it). As always, thank you @BiTriMama for your words of comfort, validation, and clarity I'm so sorry you lost your friend. I don't think you should feel guilty about that. As you said, sex is comfort, and the death of someone dear to you (particularly suicide, as it adds a whole different layer of horror and loss, as it forces you to consider that the pain the loved one suffered was so unbearable that they took their own life willingly) rips you open and leaves you raw. I completely understand the need to feel alive and human in that situation. I feel that need so much lately. I do think we will get to a sexual place again. Whether her husband would give his blessing on she and I alone, I'm not sure. I know right now he isn't comfortable with it. Which I understand. We were their first experience with non-monogamy, and we'd only been messing around with them for 2 months before he died. They're inexperienced with it. So maybe someday he'll get there... I hope so, because I'd love to be able to be alone with her sometimes. But I'm also happy with him involved too. It's really sort of a bonding experience, working together to try to get someone off haha.
  9. One memory that stands out clearly in my head.... the night I was wearing a high-waisted pencil skirt and climbed on top of my girl while we were making out on her bed. Then i heard the zipper on the back of my skirt and felt it release from around my waist as she pulled it off of me... that zipper sound. God..... Honestly, I'm all about naked sex. Recently started NSA sleeping with a dude friend, it annoys me when he leaves his shirt on during or puts clothes on after sex, before we fall asleep. Not sure why I care really whether he's clothed or not. I'm not about to put clothes on though, so i prefer my sexual partner to be naked too I guess.
  10. I've also only had sex with one woman I didn't have some sort of feelings for. Some random in a bar. It was legit horrible. I hated it. As she was (clearly faking) orgasm, the only thing I could think of was "This isn't my girl. Why am i doing this? I really want to be done now... seriously why are you so theatrical when i can clearly FEEL that you're not really cumming? I know what an orgasm feels like, and this is not it. SERIOUSLY stop, you sound like a damn porn star". I felt gross afterward. My first experience was with a close friend who i wasn't necessarily physically attracted to, but whom I love dearly. I don't think i could have had a better first. Then, there's my girl. I've been physically attracted to her for years. I began falling in love with her before we slept together. Once we finally did, it was magical. We haven't been sexually together in 3 months, perhaps we will again some day, perhaps not. I miss it. But I still have her presence in my life, she's my best friend in the world. I will always love her in some way, sex or no sex.
  11. Yep, had to take a break, sort through thoughts and stuff. I'm managing. Everything is different and I'm basically lost. But managing! Hope you're well <3
  12. For years, i thought i was strictly bisexual, heteroromantic. Then I met my girl and realized i could fall in love with a woman. I won't end up with her. We won't be together beyond sex and friendship. She's my best friend. She's married to one of my best guy friends. I don't think I'll end up with anyone, but at this point I'm convinced if I settle down again and have a relationship, it will be with a woman.
  13. I've been gone a while, I'll post more about the past 3 months later. The last time I posted, my husband had just died. I was raw and inconsolable. I haven't healed yet, and I don't think I ever will. But the idea of trying to find my new "normal" is getting easier. Sometimes I can almost get mildly excited about being single and completely free, I've never had that in my adult life... really in my life at all. But most of the time I walk around with a giant void feeling in my chest and just wish I could go back to what was familiar and comfortable and meaningful and loving. I want my love back, more than anything in the world. I'm just recently accepting that I cannot, ever again. It fucking hurts. Anyway. Pushing emotional stuff aside for now. I've experienced something fairly odd the past month or so.. I've definitely heard of a decrease in sex drive during bereavement, probably having to do with sorrow, physical and emotional exhaustion, inability to focus on anything but the lost spouse, etc. I'm suddenly experiencing quite the opposite. I do experience extreme sorrow, inability to focus, exhaustion, and a myriad of other fun things. But if I'm not battling tears and feeling lonely and generally hopeless, and I can manage to find a relatively good headspace (which is slowly getting more frequent), all I can think about is sex. I crave it, I'm ravenous. I've always had a pretty healthy sex drive, and I've noticed it increasing within the past few years. And I suppose the fact that 3 months ago, I had an exceptionally fulfilling sex life that seemed to be getting more and more exciting, only to have it taken away from me suddenly might play in (husband and I were hooking up with my long time crush/best friend and her husband for a few months before he died, now I'm living with them and we haven't slept together since... so i lost them both at once basically and that opens up a whole lot more emotions than i care to get into right now). She, her husband and I have recently discussed the possibility of eventually resuming, though we're not sure how it will go considering we're missing a big part of the dynamic we're used to. The four of us had developed a pretty fucking awesome thing together, and they were with me when i found him, so the remaining three of us are scarred... and honestly probably have PTSD. So we'll see how intimacy goes. I think it will be emotional for all of us at first, possibly a trainwreck. I know it's never going to be the same. I'm afraid it's going to hurt actually, at least at first. But everything i experience lately already hurts, so... It doesn't make me feel guilty considering sleeping with them (her, really, I won't be with her husband), when my husband was alive, we all did it together and i don't believe he'd expect me to stop sleeping with her, especially since i can't sleep with him now either. They were my two exclusive partners, all I ever wanted. He always encouraged my relationship with her, and the night before he died, he was even drunkenly telling her how she and i needed to have more one-on-one sexy time together to get used to each other's bodies and how they respond to reach other (which embarrassed me at the time...) One thing that i can't decide if I'm a horrible person for or not... shortly after reality started to set in and my libido freaked out on me, i was hanging out with a close guy friend of mine and my husband's, M. We've always been platonic, like "bros" (still are, with a caveat), he and my husband were close friends, we referred to each other as work spouses when he worked at my bar (basically everyone had a work spouse back then, i also had a work wife who was kind of my work husband's other work wife... just realized i was poly at work too! haha) and he's going to be my neighbor for a couple of months until he moves. Anyway, we went out to the bar, had a few beers, went back to his place to smoke and have a couple more beers, and i was gonna call a ride home, like we've done for several years. I honestly assumed that my first sexual experience after his death would end up in tears... I've been both dying for it and dreading it. Anyway, M and I were talking about girls or something (M always calls me a lesbian.. I've given up on correcting him), and he said he loved eating pussy. I told him I did too (he knew that already). Then he looked at me blankly and this exchange happened: M- "want me to eat you out?" Me- "are you being serious?" M- "yeah." Me- "...oddly, I'd prefer dick right now..." M- "are YOU being serious?" Me- "yeah" M- "....wanna go to my room?" Me- "yup" Which was pretty cool. No stupid dance around the topic, no pointless flirting, no pseudo-romantic bullshit at all, just to the point, try to get each other off and that's it. Perfect. So i also discovered I'm definitely bi. I always assumed if something happened to my husband and he was no longer in my life, I'd discover I was a lesbian all along, and that I happened to fall in love with a man. Nope. Still like the D. I don't have romantic feelings for M at all, only strong friendship feelings like I've had for the past 6 years, since i met him. I'm not even sure I'm physically attracted to him, actually. His body's kinda bangin (especially digging the copious amounts of tattoos and somewhat muscular build), but his face just looks like a friend, any other dude, which is a weird mix of "oh damn..." and just... comfort and slight awkwardness. We've been clear from the beginning that it's just sex (he and i both have good track records with sleeping with friends and remaining friends after benefits end, so I'm not concerned about ruining the friendship with weirdness). We've also decided to keep it secret... most people in our community understand (and participate in) sex with friends... but not many (if any) have been widowed so they likely don't consider that sex drive doesn't die with the spouse, especially when we were in a consensual non-monogamous relationship to begin with. Totally fine to start comfort banging after a breakup, but widow sex seems to be universally taboo, which is stupid. I still need to get off, and i get sick of doing it myself. So i guess I don't actually feel guilty about that either, i just don't want our friends to assume that after a meaningful, decade-long relationship with the love of my life, I'm just moving on, or that M's swooping in on an injured lamb and taking advantage of my vulnerability, when we're merely engaging in mutually beneficial banging with a friend. Definitely not into dating this guy (or anyone, honestly), and he's not into dating me either. So not afraid of the feelings thing either. I know there will be inevitable warnings about how these sorts of things don't work out. I don't expect, nor do I want it to "work out" in the typical sense, but i know our friendship will remain after the physical aspect has fizzled. I know me, I know him, I know us. Anyway. So yeah. Apparently life is generally empty, grief boosts my libido, and I'm not completely grossed out by penises that aren't my husband's. That's what I've learned lately..
  14. I'm in love with a dead man and a married woman. Not real sure what to do with that. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. TBD78

      TBD78

      Sending hugs.  Let your friend give you the comfort you need.  

    3. blueberry

      blueberry

      Hang in there. You're gonna get through this. 

    4. BenedettaC

      BenedettaC

      You need to look after yourself right now, so try to relax and not tax yourself unnecessarily. 

  15. I posted a status, and i appreciate the care and concern I've been shown. I'm sorry I've been silent since, I've been shattered and unable to function. I lost my husband to suicide on presumably early Sunday morning. I didn't find him until that evening. I didn't believe it at first, i thought he was staging it. But then i realized he didn't know what time i was coming home, and i realized it was really happening, or it had. Long story short.. he was severely mentally ill, and refused to seek treatment. To cope with daily stress, he drank often, though rarely got trashed, and when he did, he was either in a really up place, or a really dark place. I should have seen his dark place coming, considering how happy and energetic and excited (i.e. manic) he was on Saturday evening. We were out on a double date with my lady friend and her husband, and we were having a great time. Toward the end of the night we decided to go back to their place, but i had to run home first. By the time i got back to the bar, husband was extremely drunk, I'm assuming he went against his self-imposed rule and drank liquor. He began insisting he would drive our car to their house, but we all talked him out of it. I almost wish he'd driven home. He got in the car with us, and on the way home he and her husband got into a pointless argument that escalated to both of them getting out of the car and walking, while she and i were trying to figure out what to do. There were some other details I'd rather leave out, mainly his drunken rage leading them to not want to let me stay at home that night (no, he didn't hurt me or anyone else), so she and i went to their house and her husband showed up soon after. I contacted my husband to be sure he got home safely, which he did, and he was clearly blacked out, as he denied the story of what had happened. Also, in the past I'd learned that in these times, trying to talk him down exacerbated the situation, and he'd often tell me to leave him alone. When i learned to leave him alone, he'd sleep it off, even out, and feel horrible the next day about how he acted. I should also note, when he would get in a dark place he'd often threaten suicide, and a couple of times I'd called the police, but mainly he'd calm down, sleep it off, and when he was sober, he'd assure me it was all threats and he'd never do that. Anyway, he began threatening to kill himself, so i told him i was going to call the police. He told me to do it, he'd just do it after they left. So i called them, told them he was suicidal, and that he was aware officers would show up but told me he would kill himself after they left. I was on the phone with him when they showed up, and i spoke directly to one of the officers on his phone. Five minutes later, he texted me and told me he got them to go away, then told me goodbye.. but that he didn't mean suicide, he meant to our relationship. I've since found out that it is required of the officers to remove suicidal people and place them under watch for three days. They gave him five minutes, despite my warning that he'd do it after they left. I urged him to go to sleep, sober up, and we'd talk about it in the morning. The last thing he sent to me was "goodbye. I loved you". This still didn't raise any red flags, because he'd threatened to end our relationship in those dark times too, and never meant it. We had a tornado watch, and one that touched down in town on Sunday morning/afternoon, so i texted him to let him know to be careful. I didn't hear back. A couple of hours later, i asked if he was still asleep, or if he was ignoring me (after a dip, he'd always sleep for hours on end, sometimes all day), and i didn't hear back. About an hour later i had them take me home, but i asked them to wait to make sure he was actually there (he might have gone to the bar) or possibly if he was asleep, i didn't want to be alone and upset. I walked up to my house and his phone was charging on the porch, in the rain, and the front door was standing wide open, storm door unlocked. Which was weird. I went inside, and found him. I ran outside and got the two of them, and all of us panicked. Her husband called 911 and our other close friend immediately, while she tried to calm me down from the brink of insanity even though she was freaking out herself. I've been staying with them since, and they along with our other friend and his girlfriend have been keeping me alive, basically. They've been constantly at my side, feeding me what little i can manage, making sure i stay hydrated, washing my hair on the first morning after when i could barely lift my hand, crying with me, talking through emotions, and now that the initial shock has subsided, offered a chance fit me to smile through shared memories and anecdotes and discussing his amazing, loving, goofy personality (which out shone the monster that lived inside of him and ultimately killed him), his little quirks, mannerisms, etc. I've also been able to see just how many people loved and cherished him and the person he was. My community has been overwhelmingly supportive and caring for me, and absolutely shattered at the loss of him. My Facebook feed has been flooded with photos and stories and words of comfort uplifting not only me, but each other, and there are so many people needing that right now. The bar i work at has displayed his photo on a table outside of the entrance with candles lit, and every night the regulars full up the table with empty bottles of his favorite beer. Every night since Monday night, there has been a memorial event for him somewhere. He had very low self esteem and never saw his own worth, and would often argue with you when you told him how wonderful he was. He also had the most compassionate heart and magnetic personality I've ever come across. I wish he could see how many people are wrecked over the loss of him. And i wish so much i could go back in time with this knowledge and insist even further that he seek help. It's been especially hard on me, my crush and her husband. They saw him too, just after i found him, and they're both traumatized by it, but they're being strong for me. I keep telling them not to, because they need their healing time too. But they've told me that being there for me is helping them too. There's also the fact that we'd just started into a more-than-friends sort of situation, so we were all very emotionally tied, adding to the pain of the situation. So it's a completely fucked up situation all around. I'm currently sleeping in their bed with them because they don't want me to be alone, and they've offered to let me move into the spare bedroom once I'm able to focus on moving forward, and i might take them up on it for a short time, but ultimately, they're newly weds so iwant them to have space, and I'm currently unsure of how the dynamic is going to change, so I'd like to eventually get out on my own. I still have feelings for her, but they're completely drown out by the fact that i lost my heart, the person i love the most in the world, and they lost a very intimate friend. I don't feel like I'm ever going to get to a good place. I do feel so close to both of them right now. They're feeling my pain, and helping me through it despite their own. It's odd how feelings change so quickly.. i was SO enamored by her for so long, and obsessed over every little touch or sign of affection (the night before it happened, i was beaming because she and i were walking around downtown holding hands, and her husband introduced me to people as his "wife's girlfriend", even referred to me that way to his mother, whom I've known since I've known them, and who was also hanging out with us earlier in the evening). Now it all seems.... not like nothing, but pointless. I don't have the person i love most in the world, so my desire for anyone at all has diminished. Maybe not permanently, but all i care about right now and for the foreseeable future is the fact that he's gone, my heart is shattered. But i have an intense need and appreciation for her amazing friendship and presence in my life. I feel like i love her more deeply, but I'm not sure in what way because every emotion i have is clouded by the fact that my deepest love is gone. She and her husband have both been such lights in the darkest time i could imagine. She's been so nurturing and loving and healing, and he's taken on a caring, protective and proactive position. Maybe, if i ever heal from this, i could go back to a revised version of what we were starting, but considering the initial dive into feelings+sex was under a different set of parameters, i don't know how that would work now. I feel like I'm dying inside. It still doesn't feel real. I don't understand why he did it. I do understand, but without experiencing the mental anguish he did, it's impossible for me to fathom it. I just wish he knew how many people loved him so much. I hope he knew how much i do and always will. I miss his eyes. The adoring way he looked at me. His voice, the silly, sweet things he'd always say, things i can still hear him say. His coy little smirk and that sexy swagger in his step. His little moles in his face.. i got to brush my fingers over them for the last time yesterday and it crushed me. Looking at his photos and watching videos of him both bring a smile and a flood of tears. I don't know how to do this. I don't want to start a new life, i want what we had. I know it's not possible, but this hurts so much I can't think straight.