KittiKat

Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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Blog Comments posted by KittiKat


  1. Hi Bi-the-ocean

     

    I appreciate the advice. I did find one friend who is also not straight and she has improved my life considerably just by "getting it." I feel less isolated and misunderstood and wrong and ashamed of my feelings when I have someone who relates. She is actually planning to introduce me to her other lesbian friend soon and I am very much looking forward to this. I agree that more of "my people" are in order.

     

    More than the advice, I appreciate you reaching out to understand. Thank you. xx

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  2. I love this. I have been there too. Hoping like hell that they will reach out to you, care enough, keep trying, whilst also knowing it is too hard to keep going the way you have been and that you can not keep in contact. Dreading the silence, and dreading the contact. It gets easier, and no contact is usually the best way. I'm sorry you are going through this. Thanks for sharing x

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  3. Hugs. You feel what you feel for as long as you feel it for, and it will not heal until you feel and deal with it! Life can change in an instant hun. One of my close friends (at the time) got married on 31st March 2007. I was single although casually seeing someone I had deep feelings for. I wanted more, he "just wasn't that into me!" Lol I went to the wedding alone and mourned the life I would never have in my perception. Fast forward 1 year. My son was born on 31st March 2008, conceived unintentionally with casual guy, who was not there for me and has never met my son. Surprise surprise. Not! Lol But when I was 7 months pregnant, I began dating my husband, who has been there for me every step of the way. Bad timing? Well I thought so at the time, but really it was perfect timing! We now have a daughter too. Honestly if you had told me at my friends wedding that in one year I would be having a baby with the support of my loving husband to be I would have laughed in your face. My point is that although you can't see it now, something amazing is waiting around the corner for you, even if you can't conceive the possibility even. Hang in there. Kat xxx

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  4. So sorry about your dad, on top of everything else. Congratulations on navigating a way to live your life the way that makes you happy and understanding that some of the negative comments only come from love and concern for your husband. I suggest he is feeling calmer because he knows he will be able to support you with your dad. Men like to feel needed and he knows he can offer you something. And that you will be grateful and closer to him as a result. Make sure he knows you plan to stay with Tess, as this is the kind of thing that he may later spit at you in resentment - "I supported you through your fathers illness after you started seeing someone else and you still left me..." Or whatever. Just want to make sure he isn't harboring fantasies that he will win you back from this and everything will be back to normal. (Hope that is not out of place, just my take on it. Could be wrong...)

    Thank you ladies, for sharing your journey. Good to see someone making it work - however it works for them! :) xx

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  5. I felt the same way when I was single, but I now look back to that time with much joy and realised how much I loved it and how being alone was my choice - not the choice of others.

    You could, if you chose to, go out and meet any old woman and find a partner. Maybe not the woman of your dreams, but someone - anyone - to validate that you are loved and wanted and desired = worthy and loveable.

    Deep down though, you already know this and you choose not to search, and not to settle! :)

    Some choose to have "casual FWB" arrangements to get the best of both worlds and that is ok too.

    There is a saying "People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that is true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest feeling in the world"

    Enjoy this time of your life, as I assure you; you will miss it when it is gone. There are pros and cons to both sides obviously, so look at the pro's! xx

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  6. Haha, well that would certainly make for an interesting love story if the 2 of you hooked up.... Everything happens for a reason!!.... I am glad you have her to support you, and someone who knows exactly what you are going through. Be mindful though, not to keep you both too focused on him, and instead helping each other move forward in a more positive way... however that may be... win wink. Haha

    PS It is probably too late for the how to manual, if he has already met his next wife... :/ The movie thing though, that could be a real idea, I'd see it!! :) xx

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  7. I have read somewhere before a story similar regarding the husband and wife being best friends, only I think it was the husband who was gay in the scenario. The wife was sad because they had shared that friendship and had enjoyed a sexual life together. She then wondered if he had ever desired her - if she was desirable. She wondered if they had only ever really been friends all along and the role of lover was one he played for her benefit. And if it was - why couldn't he keep doing it for her. In the end I think she came to the conclusion that he had probably been sleeping with her for years because it was what she wanted. And now she had to let that part of their relationship go because that was what he wanted and he had tried to keep her happy - because he did love her for years. Basically now it was her turn - because she loved him and she wanted him to be happy. In time they stayed good friends and she experienced a relationship with another straight man and realised what true passion was and that her marriage really was just best friends all along. I hope you find a similar ending to your story, and this gives you a small glimpse into some of the thoughts, feelings and emotions he may be processing. Thanks for sharing xx

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  8. Aw hun. He is continuing his unhealthy patterns and because you care for him as the father of your son, you have tried to help him. You have been open and honest with your difficult emotions and acknowledge that this is what you need to do in order to come out at an emotionally healthy place. You are allowed to grieve and I would too if it makes you feel any better. I hope you know this does not lessen what you had together when things were good and it does not mean that you were easily replaced. You are special, wise, and kind hearted. I hope things go well with OKC - just the distraction you need perhaps, even if it is just casual conversation - a little boost for the ego when you need it.

    I believe everything happens for a reason, and I don't think you are a hypocrite. It will either go somewhere with this woman or it wont. We don't always get to choose the timing of things! You are open to exploring your options, so have fun exploring that.

    I don't assume to know what is true for you, but many women I know only really start processing the emotions that go with the divorce when the physical relationship ends - which is usually a fair while after the relationship does. Thank you for sharing. Hugs xx

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  9. You are right sweettoheart, the only way is forward, and I am totally guilty of spending too much time looking backwards. I wont find the answers in the past will I? Lol I do indulge in self pity here and there, and it feels healthy to allow myself to feel those feelings. This blog is a great place to put those feelings out there and feel heard and validated so I can move forward, so thank you for reading and commenting. Now that I have expressed my sadness at this I have learned another thing I value in people and that is their time, so in friendships moving forward I will be careful to give and recieve it in equal measure. Everything does happen for a reason indeed... :) xx

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  10. Wow, thanks Ladies. :) I probably am too hard on myself, sometimes I just feel misunderstood and like I wasn't made for this world. I know my friends would never intentionally let me down, and you are right that they have other committments, which I do understand. I guess that was something different about teacher who was single with no kids. She had a busy social life and family commitments, but was more widely available and interested in doing fun stuff with me. Sometimes I wonder if I miss that more than her herself, if you know what I mean.

     

    You are right that it probably is fortunate that the relationship didn't progress, and that it doesn't feel fortunate. She has to let me go for my own good, but it sux. I am sure she misses having someone that made the effort as she often mentioned not many people did that for her. I know it was my feelings that got in the way of what could have been a good friendship, and I just hate that and I didn't know how to change it.

     

    We both crossed lines and I don't see any way of us moving forward, essentially because I still have feelings for her. I do not cause controversy for her, I try to avoid her at school. I am totally seeking a woman who likes women as I have heard they exist. I have 5 profiles on 5 different dating sites, but am getting nowhere. A hot girl did like me, which was so exciting, but she didn't reply when I messaged her. Was still nice just to be liked, the only thing to come from the online stuff in months!

     

    Late last night I did invite a friend I am not that close to, who is having quite a few problems in the end and she said she would love to come, if she can get a sitter. Fingers crossed. She said it sounds like just what she needs, so at least I may end up helping someone if she can come. I asked another 3 people before her and I got "working" "busy" and "I have to spend that night with my partner"

     

    Thanks for helping me realise that their reasons are about themselves and their situations, not about me at all. Still sux, but what is that quote...

     

    "Happiness is knowing that what other people say and do is a reflection of themselves and not of you..."

     

    Thank you all for your kind words. Yetanothername, what is your story? Where can I find it? PM me!! Lol :)

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  11. Sounds like a tough situation. I know that most times, in order for couples to remain friends after they separate, there needs to be a period of actual physical separation, coupled with basically no contact, for each of you to grieve and remember who you are separate to eachother. The only way I can see it working in the same household is when both people have no romantic feelings left for the other. This is not the case here.

     

    It is clear you do not want to hurt your husband and still care for him deeply, but feel pressured and suffocated by his current emotional neediness. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I suggest you let him go, but I understand how easy that is for me to say and how painful, difficult and complicated it will be to do.

     

    You have much support here, regardless of what you do, and although it perhaps seems urgent, I guess you really have time. Thinking and processing and venting is emotionally healthy. But unless followed by some action, will prove to be unhealthy.

     

    Good Luck. Thank you for sharing.

     

    Kat xx

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  12. Thanks ladies, you are both right that in time and space I will find peace. I think anger at this point is justified and healthy. The funny thing is that I know she is not an awful person. She has so many positive qualities, but the situation brings out the worst in us both.

    You are not out of line Varuca, Angry is better than confused. At least it is clear.

    iamthesiren, I do have to let it go and it is harder than it should be. Distractions... I have one of those, but not of the healthy variety... Uh oh! Lol

    I will be fine if she never speaks to me again... I have no idea if she ever will... either way fills me with such strong yet mixed emotions....

    Kat xx

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  13. I'm sorry but also glad you can relate iamthesiren. I have been rejected by women before, straight women. But she is the first one to reject me based on gender alone. Others said "I still love my ex, I'm going back to him" or "we want different things" or "you overwhelm me" and other traits of mine or theirs that make it reasonable to me. And there are straight women in my life who I believe are not and will not ever be interested in me. Maybe due to straightness or just plain lack of attraction and that is ok too. You know why? Because those women never flirt with me or give me any reason to believe there is hope. This one was different. I am pretty sure she does love me, but she is terrified of it. She flirts with the idea and enjoys me as a person (well I thought she did until recently anyway) but then it all boils back to sex and the fact that I am female. I wanted to kiss and cuddle and be emotionally connected, hold hands and stuff. I just don't understand why that has to be gender based behaviour if genitals aren't involved. And they didn't need to be. Anyway, this is why I need more women who have indeed got their parachutes open. "Be open to those who are open to us" I love that!!

     

    I hope you can work things out with your friend, honestly I do. For me and her, it's over and long term I guess I have to accept that was for the best, and someone better will come along for us both. We will both be happy again. But I miss her and it sux. I wish I could have been the friend she wanted me to be. I said I would do anything for her and she wants me gone, so I am. My final act of kindness is to take my love back, and it is the most painful thing anyone has ever asked me to do. When did my love become something so offensive? Ouch. That one stings a bit.

     

    Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is so lovely to speak with people who can relate. I will find acceptance and someone to love. Just gotta get used to seeing her all the time and not saying hello while she laughs at me with her assistant. Or worse. Pities me. Vomit!! Lol And endure the pain of her ignoring me, like I really don't exist, and accpeting finally that she wants it that way. :(

     

    I so wish my sexuality wasn't so damned confusing. If I understood it better perhaps I could have explained it better. Wouldn't change my gender though, so...

     

    Hugs to you too Hun

     

    Kat

    xxx

    PS Thanks for commenting!! Yay :) xx

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  14. It sux to have so many obstacles keeping you apart. But if it helps you feel any better, you are further ahead than some of us, you have found a girlfriend! Lol You are right that it is not all about the sex. And just because it's her time of month doesn't mean it is yours, so find ways to have fun with her and her have fun with you perhaps? Sounds like you could use some time to reconnect emotionally, so talking and hugging and kissing may be just what the doctor ordered! Have fun!! x

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  15. Yes, I am also waiting for her to find us, not so patiently! Lol We thought we found her, she just came into our lives and then just as fast she was gone... Such a shame. I wanted it to work. We really developed strong feelings for her, but there is also an element of wondering if such an open and free spirited woman will ever cross our paths again so naturally like that..

    Here's hoping.. xxx

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  16. "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you ain't never gonna keep me down..." Lol :)

    You are right that friendship is the beginning, followed by lust and lust is the beginning of love which is usually the beginning of the end...

    And I know it's not the girls fault - if she doesn't feel it then there really is nothing that she can do. I just need to learn to accept this and stop looking and hoping for more after they have said thanks anyway.... I don't know why I find this so hard to do...

    Thanks for the support. And for the time taken to read my ramblings! :) xx

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