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KittiKat

Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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    Australia

Everything posted by KittiKat

  1. @dirtyshirt84 Yes, I have been with women. I experimented with a girl in high school, then actually came out as a lesbian and had a 7-year live-in relationship with a woman I am lucky enough to still call a close friend to this day. I only "discovered" men later in life, mid 20's and started experimenting with them then. I was actually seeing a man and a woman at one time (separately, they knew of each other but did not know one another) and that was a happy time. Then I fell pregnant with my son and both those entanglements ended. I met my husband and thought I had put my lesbianism to rest. I was, of course, wrong, and after around 5 years came to the realization that I could not ignore this any longer. It was my liaison with one of the women listed above that awoke these desires again, and after much talking and negotiation with my husband, we agreed to share a girlfriend. (Not ideal, but a compromise for us both.) We have had 3 relationships so far, only 2 were significant. One lasted 6 months and the other a year, but neither situation was ideal. I believe in the concept, we continue to look and I hope one day we will find the right person for us to work as a triad. I am not in the closet, most people who know me know I am not straight. That said, I don't shout it from the rooftops either. (Although I do flirt with most women! It wouldn't be hard to guess! Lol) I can't be close to people who don't know, however, for example, my parents don't know we take on girlfriends! I don't think they would be surprised though, honestly! Lol And if we met someone we were serious enough about, I would tell people. I write an anonymous friendship blog in which I am very open about my sexuality, as I believe it does impact my friendships. It's anonymous because I don't want people looking me up, seeing me online looking for a girlfriend with my hubby and questioning me about it. Not because it is private but because it is not what I am trying to talk about. I am considering a new blog called playing with poly for talking about this issue particularly. That will also be anonymous because I wish to keep the 2 subjects separate. But again most people who know me know it is my writing! I feel like I did things backward. Most people come out as bi, then gay. I did gay first then confused people. But I still feel more "Homoflexible" and homoromantic, terms this site has helped me learn! PS I don't hide this from my kids. They know my ex-girlfriend and know we used to live together as more than friends. They have seen me kissing and holding hands with the girlfriends we have had. I mean I don't throw it in their face, they don't see anything they should not see, but I talk to them about girls being with girls and boys being with boys and that it's all ok. My son seems pretty straight at this stage, but I am almost certain my daughter isn't. Time will tell, but I think being open with them will help them be more open with themselves and others and show them to live their lives their way and there is more than one way to have a relationship.
  2. @dirtyshirt84 I'm really glad this has helped you accept your sexuality then. You're probably right that she had these types of relationships with other people too. I can relate to what you say about being in a relationship with a man. I am also married to a man with school-aged kids, so these relationships are safe ways for me to express and play with my sexuality within the constraints of my marriage. x
  3. Hi Ladies, I wonder if any of you can relate to this. Sometimes I am way heavier, and sometimes I lose lots of weight and am quite a bit smaller. I have been both extremes. I have also had 2 children. Needless to say, regardless of my size now, my body does not look good naked. Basically it always looks fat. Naked. I feel I am relatively good at concealing this when clothed, however it makes me almost paralysed when it comes to getting naked with a woman. I have never felt this insecure about it with men, I am not too sure why. Perhaps I care less what they think. When I have been bigger and been online, significantly less people are interested, but at least it is honest. On the other hand if I look smaller I get more interest, but I am too insecure to talk to women who look like they have good bodies. I am not afraid my husband will prefer them. He probably will, I don't blame him! Lol I am so scared that the minute I remove my clothes she will lose interest. I do believe the way I dress is somehow misleading, although I am comfortable with my style generally. At this point I have added something on my profile that indicates that if a bikini body is important to them that they should keep swiping. Lol I am the only person I know who has been in threesomes yet somehow stayed clothed. I love pleasing and touching a woman, as does my husband, so this isn't inherently an issue, except that I often then reflect and feel somehow excluded from my own sexual experiences, and wonder how I would cope with a woman who actually wanted me. ( we often end up with women on the more heterosexual end of the spectrum anyway, who are not always keen to reciprocate towards me in heavily sexual ways.) I am not sure if the sexual side of this is actually a problem, or if I prefer it this way, maybe I'm a very rare femme stone? But it is a problem that my body issues prevent me from approaching women I feel are too good for me based on their body, when I know it is her place to decide what she finds attractive or not. I have one friend who has a very nice shapely body, flat stomach, gorgeous girl etc... but she self harmed for years and she is self conscious about her scars and I knew one woman who felt less womanly due to her flat chest etc.... So I know even thinner women have their insecurities too! I don't know how to get over this. I love women of all shapes and sizes. ...I believe all women are sexy.... except me? How is this possible? Anyway, I guess I am asking, do you find yourself more body self conscious with women? Or is it just me? Lol
  4. @dirtyshirt84 Yes, I do enjoy giving attention and you probably do too. Give to receive perhaps? I am glad someone else can relate to these almost relationships! I guess it stands to reason, if they liked the power and control (a more dominant position) that perhaps we enjoyed the lack of control, the vulnerability, and the exposing submission of sorts that comes along with these sorts of almost relationships? An exquisite form of gentle torture? One that we can both acknowledge though, is unhealthy and indeed painfully torturous, particularly when all the cards are played, moves are made and the game is over. Engaging in these relationships, I believe is a subtle yet addictive form of self harm. (well for me anyway, as this was a pattern not a once off, hopefully it's not the same for you!) <3 xx
  5. Interesting topic. I have never paid a woman for sex, and hadn't thought about it until we started watching You Me Her, where the couple hires an escort and ends up in a relationship with her. This obviously prompted the question - could I pay for sex? I don't want to really, because I want her to want me and to feel there is a strong emotional connection. I would rather pay for a lovely date and hope it went there. Lol That said, I have often joked to people when they ask me what to get me for my birthday etc.... Pay a woman to be with me. Pay her to approach me and tell me she likes me, make the moves and connect with me. Make it seem real. And listen to me when I cry that I never heard from her again, without ever telling me that you paid for it to happen. Let me always believe she actually really liked me. Maybe it's a fantasy, but I secretly hope one day someone will make it a reality. Even if it is my husband who does it for us both and plays along with it. Lol I'm strange, but I think what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me in this instance. ;P <3 x
  6. KittiKat

    Body issues

    That is sound advice for me to ponder Tuesday472. Thanks. To be clear I am not only attracted to thinner women, definitely not. A pretty face will get me every time, it just so happens that much of the time they have the accompanying bikini body to match. Actually I'd prefer a more padded frame as I agree women feel nice soft and curvy. I just think my lumps and rolls look gross, but maybe you're right and women are less visual than men. I'll keep that in mind! <3 x
  7. Thanks for the post. I found this quite interesting and could relate regardless of the fact that my husband knew I was not heterosexual when we started dating. He knew I had a long term live in relationship with a woman, but as I was pregnant to a man when we met he also liked to believe I was bisexual. This labeling system was a problem for us particularly as I was very attached to my identity as a lesbian and obviously that felt exclusionary to him, like our relationship was diminished by it. He insisted I was bisexual, and I still don't feel that is true as I have a strong preference for women. I should have told him I don't need a label to define who I love much sooner. I still don't know what fits except "not heterosexual." Lol I have to ask, are you posting this now because you have a girlfriend and can see things from the other side more clearly? Is she asking you for an open relationship, or are you just pondering how you might feel if she did?
  8. Hi! Your situation sounds complicated but seems to have naturally developed into something my husband and I seek, (however have found it really difficult to make a reality) with more intentional forced situations like online dating! Sounds like that is the better way to do it! Good for you! We have had relationships with women as you describe, and they have been fulfilling, and yes I do believe you can be in love with more than one person at a time. We love more than one child, parent, sibling, cousin, friend etc.... so why could we only love one partner? The idea has never fit with me personally despite that being the ways of our community/society/culture. What issues are you looking to share? Feel free to message me Kat
  9. Yes, I have some wonderful platonic friends who are friendly and demonstrative people and I love them for it, however when we have feelings that sometimes run a little deeper, it can cause us to see these things as something that they aren't, and I appreciate that these women were able to let me down with tact and grace and continue being there for me as friends. The women in the middle category, and yes there was more than one, (If you like giving attention it stands to reason you will be drawn to people who like receiving it, and vice versa) were women I still believe I had relationships with on some level. More than friends, less than lovers.... FRelationships or situationships..... At least one of them will now admit, many years later that while we are indeed friends, we are not "just friends," we are more than that somehow and will always be, but we will never be all that I had once hoped we could be either. The others, they enjoyed the fantasy and the flirtation and the attention. I think it made them feel powerful, and they really enjoyed teasing me and turning me on and then not following through. How they identify doesn't matter, at the end of the day they said I got it wrong, that they were not interested and I had to accept that. For me, the best ways to find out is to ask, because I used to spend too much time "wondering"and living fantasy unspoken relationships. I was too far invested by the time I said anything, so the rejections were painful and at times cost me friendships I did value. Failing that I don't ask how they feel. I tell them how I do, and whatever they say and do, or do NOT say and do, says it all! I didn't write this, but I can relate to it. There are certain types of not so straight women that exist, and if you are looking for them, you'll somehow know when you find them.... but it's a game nobody wins in the end. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/20/staceyann-chin-straight-women-thrill-me
  10. Signs I have misread include - lots of excited contact, telling me they miss me after a few days or can't wait to see me. (because they are excited about our friendship) Complimenting me lots (because they admire my style or whatever) being quite physically demonstrative, like lots of hugging and touching (because they are affectionate people) Laughing at all my jokes (because I am funny! haha) Asking about my sexuality quite a bit (because they are curious about it) and saying I love you more than most friends. All of these things though, were not the signs I chose to hope that they were, it was just signs of the wonderful affectionate loving heterosexual friends I have who don't feel the need to treat me differently to anyone else. Signs that have messed with my mind because they seem abnormal included persistently wearing see through items around me, or wearing barely anything at all, making little jokes about how if I were a man or if they were we'd totally get it on, asking for massages, suggesting we get drunk and play spin the bottle together. Pretending to kiss me in photo's, hinting around inviting me to threesomes with them and their male partner, laying naked in bed with me and telling me it was ok to look at them, asking if I was turned on by them or found them attractive. Sitting too close, changing clothes infront of me and asking me to reassure them they were sexy, asking me to buy them lingerie or go lingerie shopping with them for "a valid opinion" .... All of these things messed with me and I allowed myself to think the ladies in question were tempted. In reality they just liked my attention. To be fair I guess I liked giving it to them too. Signs I have not misread - Someone asking me for a "playdate" (no kids) telling me all about how they got with a girl once before when they were younger, offering to have a threesome with us for my husbands birthday! Lol Play wrestling, telling me to kiss her, and confessing that she has developed feelings. Short of that, there really isn't any guarantees. And even if you are right, it doesn't always make it any less complicated or scary, each thing, fantasy vs reality has it's pro's and con's! Lol Why, what signs were you hoping to decipher?
  11. I keep promising myself I will not confess feelings, however even if I don't, when I fancy someone it is pretty obvious, it's like I can't conceal it. Lol Many times I thought all the signs were there and convinced myself she felt it too, and many times I got it wrong and the woman in question found herself rejecting me and doing what she could to remind us both that she was heterosexual. Those experiences have ranged from caring and gentle rejections, to heartless and humiliating ones, and to mind games where my feelings were exploited. Still there have been other times, where I was not wrong and opportunities would have been missed had my friend not known my feelings for her. For me, if I have feelings they know. If they choose to act on those feelings or ignore them is their choice. I am basically saying "If you want to make a move, you have a green light, I wont reject you, however you are safe, if you don't want to make a move, I wont make one either and I will respect your boundaries."
  12. As a married woman searching for a unicorn, I found your post irresistible! I do understand how frustrating it must be for single bisexual women to be bombarded by requests for threesomes by couples when she is seeking only women. I have embarked on a few of these relationships with my husband by now, and I value your question "what are you offering me if I say yes" because I would value the honest input from the other side as to what it is you may feel that I am not offering you? Message me if you would be interested in discussing this privately? (I am in Australia, I don't know where you are from but probably not Aussie, so don't worry, this is not a sexual proposition! Lol) For us, it is me who desperately needs and wants a girlfriend. I would prefer that she were mine and mine alone, however my husband would consider that an unforgivable infidelity. He feels, in order to accept and meet my need he must not only be involved with the girlfriend sexually, but also emotionally and romantically in the relationship. I don't have an issue with this particularly, except that his presence turns women away! haha I am a feminine woman, and I am attracted to other feminine women. I have noticed most of the feminine women on these sites also already have male partners. So what people say about supply and demand above, is unfortunately true. My profile is honest about our situation and what we seek, and I use sites where we can only chat if the other person also matches with you. If you chat to me, I assume therefore you have read my profile and are open to the possibility. Most people I match with have not read my profile after all which is disheartening because almost nobody matches with us as it is. In our situation, we wish to meet someone who can date us both individually and all together. My husband is more comfortable in us all being together while I value alone time with the lady in question highly, however that is only possible if she is willing to connect with my husband and make him feel like he is welcomed, included and wanted by her too. They can have full penatration - how the unicorn has sex with us together or separately will be her choice as it is her body. I put no expectations or demands on her, nor any limitations except for how she touches my body which is up to me. Our thressomes have mostly revolved around making the woman feel like the main event, and I love pleasing a woman sexually - which is something my husband cannot offer me. That may answer your questions about what the married woman gets out of it. It isn't all about him or me, it is all about her. We also take her on dates, invite her to spend time in our home under non sexual terms and run errands for her, buy her gifts and keep up communication. She has a girlfriend and a boyfriend. My question is, what is it that she feels I am not offering her? Is it because we are already married, that she is missing the option for long term commitment and financial security? Is it because she perceives that if it doesn't work out we will walk away together while she is cast aside? Is it because she will never believe it is me who wants this, not him? SIDE NOTE: Things have never been as equal as they would be in a perfect world. The unicorn almost always has a preference to men or to women, or a stronger attraction to him or me, or a stronger connection. The last time we had a girlfriend, I believe she developed feelings for my husband. He is a wonderful man, I can understand why she fell for him. She was entitled to feel for him. However her feelings for him meant that her feelings for me started to change from loving and supportive, to jealous and feeling like I didn't deserve him, that she could treat him better than I do etc.... and because her connection with me suffered the relationship ended. I don't know what would have happened if my husband had felt as strongly for her as she did for him, fortunately for me I feel quite secure that this is unlikely to happen and that if it does I am open to the various ways it could play out. Anyway, thank you for posing the question. Sorry I came into this discussion late! Lol
  13. KittiKat

    Updates

    Hi Ladies SPOILER ALERT: If affairs and cheating are going to trigger you, this isn't the post for you. Sorry!!! Also, this is long. Like Super long, So either settle in, or move along... On the bright side if you happen to be an insomniac late night scrolling..... you may fall asleep before the end. Haha I have just found my way back to this site, after quite a long period away from it, and reading my old posts it all feels so far away from where we are now. I am still married to my husband, who is a wonderful loving and patient man. We are still hoping to find a girlfriend to share in our love and life. Hopefully this possibility opens more, not less, with the passage of time as the children get older and require less from us. Our youngest is only 8 at the time of writing this though, so we still have considerable time left before she has any form of life of her own. So, nothing ever did eventuate between myself and the braless flirty friend with whom I was feeling "hopeful." Haha In fact, sadly, our friendship didn't last because in the end I felt she was using me, playing games and exploiting my feelings for her. On the other hand, teacher did come back into my life, which surprised me hugely, I thought that was done and dusted. It wasn't easy to navigate, and I can't lie and say we are completely healthy with one another, a few unhealthy patterns still exist between us, and I'm not completely sure I'm over her. I mean, I am, but were she to try something, I couldn't promise I wouldn't go there. In any case, we have developed healthy attachments too at this point, and I do feel like she is one of my closest friends at the moment. I am grateful for second chances there, however as far as I know she remains 100% heterosexual and not interested in me. Lol She is going through IVF to have a baby on her own, and I will be interested to see if her becoming a mother impacts our bond in any way. I still don't expect a romantic relationship. Anyway, at some point after this I guess, we met Nurse. We started chatting to her online and eventually agreed to meet up. Nurse didn't really look like her pictures, to be honest, she knew how to work the camera angles to say the least, but I actually liked her more in person. Her body wasn't perfect and I prefer that because mine sure isn't. I took her out, and she held my hand proudly in public, introduced me to her friends and seemed really into me. She also spent time with hubby alone, although not as much as with me, and the relationship seemed to work.... except she didn't want kids, and to be honest didn't seem to like ours. That was always going to be an issue because we are a family so if you want to be part of that life, there is no avoiding it. Example we were planning to take her on a cruise with us, but she didn't want us to take the kids. I understand this, surely it would be better without them... but we have nobody who is going to watch them so we can take our lover on holiday! haha I wish! Lol Anyway, that wasn't the reason it ended, although it would have been, ultimately had something else not ended it first. Her ex came into the picture and caused drama's, there was broken trust, and after that she seemed to spend more time apologising for letting us down than making it up to us. She stood me up at least once, and cancelled hubbys birthday celebration trip away in favour of a trip with said ex boyfriend. Although she was open minded, I think essentially she decided a relationship with just one person was better for her than with a couple. (I realise I make us sound blameless in this story, which is unfair on her. Due to our responsibilities at home, we were often unflexible, and uninteresting to someone who wanted to party etc....) I was upset at the loss of that relationship for what it represented more than the person as such. It lasted around 6 months. I know.... half a year? But it gave me hope that with the right person maybe it could work because there wasn't really too many jealousy issues there or anything, it worked well. We all enjoyed our alone time and our threesomes. Hehe It spurred me on to find someone else. I joined a dating site for lesbians, essentially, and I met Postie. Postie was a wonderfully attractive lesbian, although she lived with her male partner also. I was so thrilled to meet someone in a similarly complicated situation. Although I always wondered if Postie was attracted to me, I didn't feel I was good enough for her, and so we never took it there. She did try to a few times when she was drunk... but the fact that she needed beer goggles before I was naked filled me with fear. Anyway, postie and I became very close friends for a while and to this day I miss her alot. Postie was still on the dating sites too and I enjoyed her stories of relationships with different women, although I was jealous that she could have those relationships with women to herself and not share them with her man. women dropped at her feet. It was amazing to watch. Postie was a player! Lol It was very interesting to see, however I didn't realise it was jading my opinions of her and I was probably unfairly judging her. In the end she met Clerk. Her and Clerk were just friends, and she introduced me to Clerk too. Clerk and I became friends. Clerk was not a player, she was sweet and gentle in nature like me and I felt she heard the things I did not say. She understood me. I loved Clerk easily and quickly. Nothing ever happened between Clerk and I, aside from harmless flirting, for 2 main reasons. Firstly Clerk was a gold star lesbian, which I learned means has never been with a man and never intends to be with one. So she could not be what I hoped. Secondly, Clerk was pretty taken with Postie. Although they were only friends and Postie told me multiple times all the reasons whys she would never date Clerk romantically, and how Clerk was not good enough for her... eventually they hooked up anyway. Postie asked me to lie to Clerk on several occassions and eventually I had to remove myself from that situation because I did not believe Postie was going to be good to Clerk. Postie and I argued about something trivial, and very nasty words were spoken on both sides, until no words were ever spoken again. I lost Clerk in the battle too. My Facebook stalking indicates that they are still happy and very much in love, over a year later, so maybe I misjudged that situation and let go of 2 very meaningful friendships over nothing. I regret not minding my on business. Alas, I stayed on the sites and eventually met Bellydancer. Bellydancer is stunning, but again, out of my league, besides which I don't think we have enough in common to sustain more than a friendship nor the emotional capacity that each of us requires. Bellydancer had a husband too, but over the time I have known her she has separated from him and pursued women exclusively. I value her as she is open minded. She has dated couples before although isn't currently interested in men at all. I was talking to one of my straight friends about Bellydancer and how disappointing it was that Bellydancer and I couldn't have more spark, as I was attracted to her and she has dated couples. On paper it seemed to have potential. My friend, Life Coach, seemed very curious and interested in our situation and began flirting with me. It seemed she saw Bellydancer as competition even though I was clear nothing was happening there. Coach had recently lost lots of weight and had some surgery to help her feel better about her body. I suspect she liked the attention and was getting her quota of all the attention she missed out on when she was younger. Coach has a husband, however they were on rocky terms as he had recently caught her cheating. That doesn't make what happened next ok, and I know that. Hubby and I embarked on an affair with coach for about a year. While I wasn't cheating on my husband, it was an affair in that her husband did not know about it. It was not heavily sexual as she had alot of guilt about her marriage and many body issues. I think she justified to herself that being with me was not cheating as I am female, and being with him didn't count if he didn't penetrate her. (I think that only ever happened once although they kissed and were intimate in all the other ways) It was a strange affair, heavily emotional, dysfunctional sexual, and intermittently overly affectionate. It met her need for attention and met my need for intimacy with a woman. (NOTE Her previous affair was similarly dysfunctional and she blamed him for being with a married woman. She took no responsibility for her choices. You can guess how this became relevant later, right? Yeah. I saw it coming, although that doesn't make it easier!) At first my husband was ok with things, but as she gradually pulled away from him he became increasingly jealous and despondent about me seeing her alone, even on non sexual terms. This was difficult to navigate as she was my friend and we had always enjoyed time together alone before this. She really pulled away after my birthday weekend in August, where we went away together but did not get intimate because my husband was very ill and I had just had surgery and then put my back out. I think she felt very rejected by this, and I regret the timing of it all but it couldn't be helped. I tried hard to maintain something and sometimes we were friends and sometimes we were more than friends.... and the uncertainty ruffled me. I couldn't deal with it - I found I'd spend our meetings together longing for her to take my hand, while she didn't seem to even notice I existed. I would try and hold her hand but increasingly she rejected it. We went to the outdoor cinema and she ignored my advances and told me about a woman who had kissed her that weekend when she was drunk. I did wonder if I was meant to be jealous, but she made it seem like this advance was unwelcome and so we laughed it off... I wasn't sure how to feel. I took her on a date to a dayspa and when I tried for the final time to be intimate with her she said there were cameras and I was making her uncomfortable. (She hadn't cared about this earlier in our entanglement) I chose to take the hint that the relationship had run it's course. I cried that whole week but vowed not to make her tell me she didn't want me anymore, as it may break our friendship and she shouldn't have to feel guilty for her feelings. The next time we caught up she told me she had never felt happier. It was a kick in the guts. I pulled back emotionally. Coach felt this. She was angry with me at one point even snapping and calling me a lazy mole. I laughed that off too, but I wasn't sure why she was so angry with me when it appeared she was the one who didn't want this anymore and was saying hurtful things while I was trying my hardest to protect our friendship at great expense to myself. The last time we saw each other she informed me she was getting with a friend from work and her husband. She told me how they fooled around and she lost her earring and how she was hoping to plan sleepovers with this other woman now that her husband was working away. Finally it all made sense, why she had lost interest in me, although why she is angry with me is still unclear. She blames me I guess. We have a standing catch up, weekly. I was dreading the last one because I felt she was only going to tell me about this new couple and their kinky weekend together, but then she cancelled on me. This was a relief. We hardly spoke after that. I did see her pull into my driveway and creep back to the car and quickly drive away to deliver my son's birthday card. I thanked her for it without mentioning I saw her deliver it without saying hello. She knew I was home. That hurt. She spoke about her upcoming holidays, didn't ask how I was and we ended the conversation. Today was our 8 year friendship anniversary on Facebook, and neither of us chose to acknowledge it. I write an anonymous blog about friendships because I am aware that I have issues with friendships (all the above have failed and that can't be normal! Lol) and I wrote a post about how it is hard to go from being friends with benefits to friends without benefits and she put a sad face on it. I thought maybe that meant she wasn't angry with me anymore, maybe she could empathize that she was hurting me.... we are meant to catch up tomorrow. Neither of us has cancelled - perhaps due to our friendship anniversary, but the fact we chose not to acknowledge it says it all - there is no friendship left there now. I suspect tomorrow will pass and we may never speak again. Sigh. Not for a very long time anyway. This may be better than having an angry ending that is hard to recover from, I'm not sure. I guess this is my karma for embarking on an affair with her in the first place, and I will accept accountability for that. She wasn't mine to have, she promised me nothing and that is exactly what she delivered. I will not tell her husband about this or anything like that. I have talked to my husband about it because the sleepover thing bothered me. Even if she had wanted me to sleep over with her, he would not have been ok with that. It has become clear that while I feel secure enough within our marriage to introduce other women and trust he will still choose me, he is filled with dread that I will prefer her, that I will leave him for her, or become resentful if he tries to stop me seeing her. On some level this is valid, however the reason we are doing it this way is so that I don't have to lie, so that I can have both partners and have his blessing to meet the needs in me that a woman can, emotionally, physically and mentally. I don't want him stopping me from seeing her, I want to be free to choose and for them to do the same, which I know will sometimes mean I am also not chosen. So, I am still on the sites, looking for a girlfriend for us to share. Someone who wants me and not just my attention. Options are limited and it will probably be a very long time before we meet anyone again. But I am still hopeful, we have learned so much from this, and for now I know I need to find ways to assure my husband that I want this with him not instead of him. Life has no guarantees, but I have no plans of leaving him for a woman. I suspect if I were single, my quest for a woman would be much simpler, it might be easier to leave him and find a her for myself. But that isn't what I want. I guess for now I will just have to keep watching You Me Her on Netflix and living vicariously! Lol Who else is loving that show?!!! If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I guess I really just needed to get that all out. I hope next time I read this, all of this will seem like a silly memory from a very long time ago like my previous posts do now! If this triggered you and you hate me now for the affair, I apologise. I did warn you! <3 Kat xx PS Yes, I am still looking for new platonic friends too. Sexuality non heterosexual preferred but not essential!
  14. KittiKat

    Feeling Hopeful

    I am trying to ignore the little voice in my head that tells me I am setting myself up for another fall. Because you know what? Even if that is true, feeling hopeful feels better than feeling hopeless and I guess none of us have any guarantees that things we are hopeful about will eventuate the way we hope they will.... Brief recap - Hubby and I briefly dated a woman, and both developed strong feelings for her, but ultimately she left us and went back to her ex before things really even got going. Disappointed, embarrassed and hurt I declined her offer of continued friendship and cut contact. Long story short, after a bit of an extended break from her, we reconnected - only as friends. Side note. This woman identifies as heterosexual, though open. She has experimented with another lesbian friend briefly and came to the conclusion that she is not a lesbian, but she remains open to the possibilities and is a sexual and affectionate person by nature. So at first our friendship was clear and there were boundaries that I appreciated she made clear. In response to her partner's (male) discomfort at our becoming friends again, I promised her I would "behave" and did try to do that for a while. I never did tell her I no longer have feelings for her, or that I do have feelings for her, but I think I have made a few little comments that should clarify it for her. (Comments such as "well I wouldn't know what to say to your partner if he asked me if I have feelings for you, except to say that it's not relevant." Or "Well I call you this nickname because your name is so similar to the other girl's name - teacher - and I can't be in love with 2 women called this and that" ) So I think she knows that there are still feelings there for me. Anyway, she started not wearing a bra around me - I posted about this on the forums. It caused me much internal conflict, because I both loved and hated it all at once. And I decided for the greater good of our friendship I should tell her to wear a bra. It came up in conversation and I admitted to her that I "notice" when she isn't wearing one and I know she didn't want me "noticing" those sorts of things and having "feelings" towards her (awkward much! Lol) so she should probably put them away. She said she didn't mind at all that I "notice" and she was just being herself. She said I could see them if I wanted to?!! WTF?! Lol so I laughed and said I would make her show me one day when we were drinking. She smiled and said "we could play strip poker?!" and I said No fucking way (her body is amazing. Mine isn't - to say the least. If she doesn't find me attractive with clothes on, then removing them will not improve things, let me assure you. I am not being harsh on myself either - it's just an unfortunate fact) And so she said "OOOH We could play spin the bottle!!" I said "Ok, just you and me will play and you wont regret it." Then her son came in crying and that was the end of that conversation. She put on a bra and asked if that was better and appolgised for making me feel bad. "Bad" was not the word I used, nor would I have. But I didn't correct her to "turned on and frustrated" haha Then I was helping her make her bed (not pushing her down onto it and kissing her like I so wanted to do - gee I hope she doesn't read this blog! Lol ) and she said "Oh you need help" and I said "I need more help than you can give me honey" (referring to my psychological state) and she said "No, I probably could help you, if I didn't have this need for a man in my life, you know?" I reminded her that I offered her the compassionate man she seeks too, and that she didn't want it. Then I just said "Anyway, I was referring to psychological help dear" and she said "Well, that's awkward" And then I stubbed my toe on the bed leg and that changed the topic again. She has also said and done other cryptic things that make me wonder if she wants to know if she still has a shot with me and hubby. I spoke to him about it and he is keen for me to "win her back" and that actually surprised me because before that he was all like "She made her choice" and now he is all about "second chances" Lol. And I wonder if it is really me that she wants, or is open to or curious about rather, not him. And I find myself feeling hopeful that we will have an affair, of the friends with benefits nature. She has strong views about cheating and I don't think she would really consider it, but maybe she doesn't consider it cheating because we are both women? I hope so!! Lol Maybe she just wants to know if she has options and wants to hold onto the idea that we are her back up plan. She is unhappy with her partner mostly. She feels stuck with him now as she just moved into his house and has nowhere else to go. Last time they argued I was going to mention to her that she could come back, if she wanted to, but by the time I spoke to her again they had made up and she was super in love with him again. Sigh. Patience is a virtue... Teacher played with me alot, and I could feel that she was just playing. This one it feels different. She really likes me. She wants to see and talk to me everyday. She says things that make me think my affection is not unwanted or unreciprocated. But then I wonder if she just feels sorry for me and is trying to boost my self esteem by making me feel wanted from the safety of her monogamous heterosexual relationship. She has mentioned a 4 way but my husband would never participate in that. Neither would I. I dunno, but I hope something happens! I will be drinking with her at some point so I can see her boobs and play spin the bottle! I hope! Lol But even if nothing happens and she is just humoring me, I hope I never find out, because feeling like she likes me back, even if we can't act on it, is so much nicer than feeling like I have another hopeless crush on another poor unlucky straight girl. Even if I do! Lol Wish me luck Kat xx PS Regarding last blog - I did find a friend to take to the event, and the event was crap. Lol shouldn't have bothered. Also invited an acquaintance out to the outdoor cinema. Only one way to make more friends, and that is to try and make more friends. I hope it goes somewhere.
  15. KittiKat

    Perth Ladies?

    I literally have no idea. Looks like if we want to meet other women - we have to arrange to meet each other. I'd love that... is anybody else keen? Shall we just suggest a time and place and see who shows up? Like at a Dome Cafe or something?
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