Lookingformyself2014

Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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Everything posted by Lookingformyself2014

  1. https://photos.app.goo.gl/w3cf73Fr4hMPrQAQ8 So this is my sub bag and i love it..my issue is how to organize it so that it's not heavy. On a daily basis i bring school supplies, miscellaneous stuff like my tablet and chargers and worksheets and books to use with the kids. I don't put a lot in there but it gets heavy anyway... Can i get some advice?
  2. So I have known this for awhile and lately it's like all these differences are jumping out at me- i tend to be more patient about things and my mom gets irritated with stuff so easily and she is way more narrow minded then i am. There is a lot i don't tell her, mostly because i know she either won't want to hear it or its none of her business...im starting to do my own thing for myself and we are pretty close considering i keep a lot to myself . I have to explain about why things make me anxious etc. While there are many things i get anxious about, such as getting shots, that she is fine with and blows it off as no big deal. There are times i feel really different and mainly because i think differently, don't smoke, have other interests and just am different. I have a wild imagination and love bdsm erotica and that is all stuff i know she would be against...which is one reason i don't let her play with my phone... I feel as though i have rambled, but i guess what im saying is that as i get older(im 33) the differences are very apparent...even more so cause i live at home and don't drive yet... I guess im wondering if anyone has been there and done that or has any advice?
  3. So here is the deal..I am subbing and sometimes I sub for the teacher who I worked with as a para months ago. Well when I was in her room I would find myself checking her out from time to time and feeling nervous when she is around and there was enough going on that i didn't have time to dwell on it. Well fast forward to the first time i saw her since working with her...She told me she was glad to see me and gave me a hug and i could feel her hair- wet from a morning shower- rub up against my cheek and it stayed there all day... So the next day i see her and she appeared out of nowhere and i know i looked surprised when i saw her and i tried to play it off.. She said hi to me and went on with what she was doing.. Well the last time i subbed for her, i thought she was goimg to be out...well i was wrong and right then i didn't know what to do or how to act. .I went over to where she was and she said good morning and so did i and i could feel the nerves settling in...soo i went over to talk to the kids and i couldn't stay focused on the song we were singing when she was by me.. and i know a few times i caught myself staring at her and then... Later on i had to cut through her to get to the room i was in and that was awkward...i managed to talk to her and just didn't know what to say and after thinking back on it, im afraid i was too obvious because of how nervous i was around her... Soo how do you contain your nervousness around a crush so it isn't totally obvious you like someone you can't have?
  4. So after doing some thinking, I am realizing that the one thing I miss about what we used to have is how we were in our own little world and it occured to me i need to create that for my self. It has been years since i have talked to him and every so often, i start thinking about him and what it would be like if we were to hang out all these years later. I am realizing that one reason i miss him sometimes is because he was amazing at calming me down and we were really close. All of this i am typing is stuff that i am realizing that i need to create these things for myself. I composed a text in my phone the other night so i could get some stuff i wanted to tell him out of my head and it seemed to help, although as i was doing it, i kept thinking of more and more things to add and eventually i stopped..
  5. So lately I have been thinking of my old best friend who i haven't seen or heard from in years and find myself thinking about from time to time. I was the one who stopped talking to him because he was making no effort to hang out with me and i guess we drifted apart after that... There had been many times I thought of him and thought of messaging him to just see if he would respond and in all those times, i stopped myself because it didnt feel right. I have timehop for Facebook and i have old statuses about him and i would delete them, but they bring back good memories because once upon a time, he was my best friend... Over the years,I have realized that our communication wasn't that good and if we talked more, we may or may not be in touch today...there was a lot of times when it was hard for me to talk to him and looking back, probably many things he didn't tell me. He and I spent a lot of time together, but probably not as much as he did with his other friends... So last night, i got curious for the first time in ages and went on his facebook and found that he moved out of state and pretty much cleaned his facebook out... It was kind of a shock and sign that he had totally moved on and had no past signs of us even knowing each other... I probably sound crazy, but it just shocked me. I know i have changed even though i still live in the same area as i did when we were friends and he has moved out and who knows half the stuff he has done? He would probably say that i haven't done much and that is his opinion...he was the first one i came out to and he was also the one who told me i can't live at home forever... So i don't know...it may be a good thing and it may be time for me to delete statuses off of my Facebook so my brain stops going there... Can i get some advice?
  6. Thanks for the encouragement:) i hadn't thought of that, but i guess it is true. He went off to university and i was having a hard time with him leaving and he had only said he would miss me a little and we stayed in touch for awhile, but when he started dating his boyfriend and was introducing him to his family, and seeing other friends, all while being a mile down the road from me, i didn't hear from him until the night before he went back to school...That was only because he wanted to find out why i was mad at him...
  7. That is very true...i have to agree there is no going back.we tried to before and i ended it and then we talked and were good for awhile and then once again i hardly heard from him.
  8. That is very true...i have no doubt that he has moved on as he never made an attempt to talk to me after i stopped talking to him..thanks for the reminder we both have changed..that is very true and it was evident years ago..he was more into going out with his friends and doing hookah and stuff like that and that was something i was not remotely interested in..i have grown up around smokers my whole life and have no desire or interest in that kinda stuff... He recently became a deacon of the church where he lives and i thought about commenting on the video link, just something short and congratulate him, but i haven't decided yet...
  9. I do agree..this is something i have known for awhile...it has been years since i have even seen or heard from him and i find myself thinking of him a lot..
  10. I find myself thinking about my girl crush and her boyfriend and what they do in bed and if its kinky or not and i am wondering if there is a word to describe it?
  11. I don't know about others, but I do know that when it comes to my sexuality, kinky stuff and also crushes and attractions, While i used to share some of it with family and would always end up talking about a crush etc, im finding myself keeping it to myself. Maybe its because Im not out or maybe its because I don't want to justify it all to those around me, but either way, those are things i keep to myself.. For awhile i was feeling bad because i don't share as much as i used to and now im realizing its okay not to have everyone know everything...
  12. So i have been having fantasies of my girl crush and her boyfriend and at first they were of her leading me on a leash and now they are of them in bed together and us having a threesome! The tricky thing is, I sub at the school she works at and when I am around her, i get nervous and very clumsy and feel awkward when she is around and then she is on my mind. I am thinking of blogging about my crush and fantasy so that its out and not in my system when i see her.. My thing is, this is a new area to me and its got a new scary feel..so im wondering, how do you bakance having a fantasy about someone and not having it constantly on your mind?
  13. I am definitely okay with not sharing the personal stuff with her because this morning i asked her a question and she basically went off on me saying it was stupid and all this crap and she gets frustrated too easily with me and i know she is cutting back on smoking but still...all i did was ask a question and yesterday she got pissed because i was trying to suggest someyhing she didnt want to do...its like from one day to the next, you don't know what mood she is going to be in..
  14. Sucky morning so far...went to ask my mom a question because i haven't been sleeping lately and my stomach was all screwed up and still is and she gets all pissy and says im asking a stupid question and its ridiculous and i need to figure it out for myself and im like wtf. This is the reason i don't tell her much personal stuff because she gets this way about it.... 

  15. I totally agree:)
  16. It can be tough sometimes and when we were best friends, and i would mention him, my mom always mentioned she didn't like him and what she thought about things he said and a bunch of other crap..i blogged about it and even though he didn't say anything, i think he knew from reading one of my other blogs...it got a little awkward at times... And Yes!! I love Barry Manilow!! I love can it be magic and i didn't know he based it off Chopin's prelude! Right now one of my favorite songs is 'the best seat in the house', paradise cafe and there are so many! I have 3 barry manilow playlists on my iPod and listen to him very often!
  17. So, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm realizing that I don't feel the need to come out and make it known about my sexuality. I came out as a lesbian years ago to my mom and it didn't go over so well and caused more drama than anything and looking back I think it was too soon.. Now Im to the point where I'm accepting myself more and know that if I were to come out now, i would have to justify and explain and frankly right now, I don't need the extra stress. Right now I'm noticing that I am checking out girls a lot and even making small comments about their hair and clothes etc, but not actually coming right out and saying anything... In fact, the other day at work, I confirmed that i am crushing on the teacher i worked with in October, because whenever she was around i was more nervous and kept thinking about her during the day... She is beautiful and when i do see her, my mind starts fantasizing... Anyway, I feel as though Im moving to a new level of accepting myself and being happy with what is going on in my mind.. I may decide one day to come out when I start seeing someone, but for right now, its not important to me...plus, just doing what im doing feels as though im expressing it without saying a word... Thoughts?
  18. I definitely can relate to this! When i came out, my mom blamed it on my best friend who was gay and wouldn't believe it was true. She also thought he was pressuring me into it and no amount of explaining would change her mind... That was about the time that i started keeping things like crushes and attractions to myself as it was just a source of stress...that was about 6 or so years ago and to this day, i don't feel comfortable mentioning crushes, relationships etc, to my mom... Its become one area i just don't talk about..
  19. Thank you for your kind words! There are times i feel like im living in my own little world and there are times i would think of bringing this up with my mom, but i would just end up defensive about how she wouldn't believe me and she would most likely tell me she doesn't really care its, my buisness and it just would be better to not go there right now... There are times i almost want to tell people and then i realize now is not my time and i need to accept it even more before then...
  20. Thanks for this:) you hit the nail on the head in a lot of ways here:) i especially like what you said about accepting it, acknowledging and enjoying it. I think one way its scary is that i have had fantasies before, but these are getting more involved. I do feel like im in my own world with the thoughts and i have some work to do with accepting them. I especially need to be mindful when i am working near her or know i am going to be seeing her..that is when i get nervous and clumsy.. One thing i am going to do is when she does show up in my thoughts, im going to write down what im thinking and start blogging about my fantasy...
  21. I know some of the songs from Les Mis, but I haven't heard that one. The song On my own, pretty much described various crushes i had. Speaking of Nine, my favorite scene is ' a call from the vatican" scene. The first time i saw that, I was so turned on and could barely breathe..
  22. Have you ever thought of a song for one person only to have it be for another person years down the road? There is one song from the movie musical nine, that once described my feelings for my former best friend and now it popped in my head for my current girl crush. Are there any songs out there that you had thought of for one person only to have it mean something for another person?
  23. I haven't seen one in a theatre either! There are a lot that i want to see and some that i have the music to, but haven't actually seen...
  24. I love musicals! I was in a production of oklahoma! When i was in college, have seen the sound of music soo many times i can quote lines from it, fiddler on the roof, chicago, phantom of the opera, godspell, grease, and probably more if i thought about it...oh yeah, rent too...and cabaret, and yeah probably more lol..
  25. Mine teaches pre k