Lookingformyself2014

Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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Everything posted by Lookingformyself2014

  1. rytime I hear something about being gay or bi or something along those lines, I start to think about how I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and yet not at the point of wanting to share it with the world or even people around me. It was easier years ago when I had my best friend around and had someone to talk to and share things with and there has been no one else like that in forever and I find myself thinking about him a lot. There was a time that we didn't talk after the first time I deleted and blocked him and then we reconnected and then had a period where I hardly heard from him and let him go again..I had thought about sending him a friend request again and then I realized that if he wanted to be a part of my life, he could of sent me a friend request as well or a test or something and that says a lot right there. But anyway, just hearing people- either my mom, her friends, etc, talk about gay people they know, all I can think about is how I'm not out and I don't know what to say about things.. one thing that comes up is how her boss has a ",partner" or whatever and it gets blown off when I mention it would be husband or whatever. Then a few times she will mention that someone could be gay, or whatever and she is fine with it, but yeah, when I came out to her I was told it was my business and she didn't want to hear about it...I know I could open the can of worms and say what I am thinking, but I don't want to have to defend my opinion and then when our neighbor comes over, I sometimes triy to avoid talking to her because she can be so freaking nosy and have to know everything...just like her dad used to be. In the back of my mind, I know that I could come out and have to answer questions about it from everyone, and I take that as a sign I am not totally ready. I am becoming more comfortable with myself and I don't deny I am bi,and that is one reason I started this blog as a place to clear my head and I am learning more of what I want and slowly becoming comfortable in checking out girls. But I just don't feel ready to share this with everyone around me and maybe just maybe I don't have to. But more on this later, I am falling asleep and need some sleep... That's all for now:) SHAR
  2. I have before a long time ago with an old friend and that's one thing i miss about my old friend..we were always doing something and even though my mom couldn't stand him, and thought he was the reason I came out as a lesbian because he's gay, he was the best friend I have had...
  3. So there have been times that i realize I am being checked out by guys and when I noticed, I smile and then feel weird about it. I am bi and find myself checking out more girls than guys. The other day when i was renewing my ID, I found myself smiling at the girl who was waiting on me and I was also nervous because I didn't have one of the things with me that I needed and was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to get my ID done and then I would be screwed for my new job. But yeah, that all worked out and the girl sitting next to her caught my eye and smiled at me and then I relaxed a little. This was a new experience for me to actually try and check out a girl and I don't know if she noticed what I was doing, but she was busy working on my stuff and I was trying to other to freak out because I really needed to get this done. Anywho, we finished and she handed me my stuff and called me sweetie, and told me to have a good day...and I left...but that experience keeps sticking out in my head and I think that I am slowly becoming more comfortable with checking out girls..I don't know about the in out guys yet, even though I do that too...sometimes... I think k for me it seems awkward because I am with my mom when we go places, and this is one thing I feel awkward talking to her about it and so it goes... That's all there is, there isn't anymore...until next time
  4. I've been ghosted and also have ghosted myself.. When i was ghosted, one time was by a friend who would make plans to do stuff with me and then i would be waiting on her for awhile and she would never show up or respond when I would call or text her to find out what was going on. I have ghosted people before when i know that talking to them isn't going to get me anywhere..
  5. I can understand goimg through phases like that...i was in choir in high school and chorus and did voice lessons and while i was in school i was practicing constantly but over the years, it has decreased a lot. I find myself wanting to learn songs and then i don't stick with it. Nowadays i listen to more music instead of singing it, even though i keep wanting to spend time each day singing...
  6. No worries...i was just telling you some things that have occurred when i have wore it...
  7. Soo there is a lot on my mind and currently right now I am working on becoming a substitute teacher and am half way through the class and have a lot of free time because of it. It also is a lot of thinking time and the one thing i have been thinking about is how i am basically hiding from people because I'm not out and eventually want a relationship and it would be hard to bring anyone home or go anywhere seeing as i don't drive...i also don't know how well it would go over to bring someone home and i keep thinking im not ready... I know i am bi and have for awhile and i am starting to know who i would want and not want to go out with. I also keep a lot to myself and even though i live with my mom, there are things i don't tell her such as my last girl crush and the whole trying to reconnect story. I keep things like that to myself and realize that i need to get it out and form a connection with people.. I started a blog on blogger but have gotten bad about even writing and i really need to... I also used to wear makeup and my rainbow pride necklace every day and when i got my last job in a special needs pre k class, i didn't wear any jewelry as i didn't want the kids pulling on it and that was a month ago. I love wearing makeup and just feeling pretty and i do notice a difference when i don't and i am realizing that i need to do small stuff for me and get back to blogging.. I would just come out to my family again, but right now is not the time. My mom is concerned about money as I'm not working and I'm not that close to my brother and sister in law. Plus with my brother and sister in law, they are majorally involved with the church and i don't want to hear about what they think and my mom has said before its my buisness if i tell them and it would be up to me and i just don't feel ready to open myself up for more stress until i am ready...
  8. i hadn't thought of that like that before...i get a lot of comments from the kids that like my necklace and when i first started wearing it, one of the girls i worked with noticed and was staring at it, but she didn't say anything...
  9. Not that im aware of. I had no issues at my other school where i was cafeteria monitor and wore it pretty much everyday. the only potential issue with me wearing it could be about it being professional or not...
  10. I can definitely understand and relate... I have been shy around people unless I know them and like them. If I am crushing on someone, i have a hard time being myself around them and that is probably why people say I'm very obvious when i like someone... I get really nervous talking to someone on the phone, especially if it's someone i like. When i am around someone i like, i start blushing like crazy and talking about the person and trying to add there name to a conversation... One of the times i told someone how i felt i did it in a note because i couldn't get up the courage to tell him...which was probably a good thing cause he was in a serious relationship and the next time i saw him, he didn't talk to me at all...
  11. Well, i tried to reconnect with my former girl crush and it's going nowhere...in the back of my mind I'm not too surprised because this kinda happened before.. When we were friends before, i would get mad at her because a lot of the time i wouldn't hear from her and even back then, we talked more and she was very involved with her family, which is not a bad thing, but you would think that if you posted pictures of your family on Facebook, but can't reply to a message, you could have time for both?? I could message her and tell her how i feel about this, but really, she probably wouldn't see anything wrong with it and probably just tell me she would call or message me and never do it... on another note, she couldn't even wish me a happy birthday on Facebook and she was on there a lot of the day... As i talked to chemfem about, it is clear that im not a priority to her. And that im better off focusing on someone who will make me a priority. I agree and almost want to delete her again, but i don't know...
  12. That would totally creep me out and make me feel very uncomfortable...I would get very creeped out if it turned out someone like that liked me...
  13. Happy Thanksgiving!!! Sitting with an annoying lady at my brother's house...why is she here?

  14. I hadn't thought of doing that!! I don't know if i would be brave enough to do that right now, but it was awesome that you did and just remember, all the little steps add up!!
  15. It does sound as though there is something there and you are picking up on it...
  16. I want to have a crush on someone again..i miss my toxic texting buddies who would leave me with butterflies and fantasies. I want to find someone who I connect with and who i can hang out with and who im close to and i also want someone to havw a crush on me. I would love to know that someone gets butterflies when i text them and that there heart races when they see me or when i text them. I also want someone that will tell me how they feel earlier then 3 years after the fact!!- that's what happened after 3 years with my clingy crush and looking back, I realize that his silence spoke volumes and told me everything he wasn't saying. I also started wondering the other day if he was gay...that one im curious about and yet not enough that i would unblock him and add him as a friend or text him again...but still i wonder....
  17. So I started the process of reconnecting with my very first girl crush again... I was blogging on here last night and decided to and so i added her back on facebook and soon after she accepted my friend request and messaged me on fb messenger... It does feel as though we are meeting for the first time as its a few years since i let her go basically because i knew i couldn't have her, but she doesn't know that lol...immediately after i saw i had a message from her, i started feeling giddy and was shocked that she messaged me first... In the back of my mind, i know im not expecting anything to happen, but for a second the thought did cross my mind..it seems like a huge step that i added her back and don't know what's going to come out of it...she does know i was a lesbian many years ago, but didn't know i had feelings for her, or may be she did lol...i don't know.. I honestly don't know what's going to happen or if im going to say anything...i do wonder if i should say anything or explain why i stopped talking to her...its not like she added me first...plus, i don't know how it would go over if i did tell her how i felt...maybe i need to wait and see if she replies to the message i sent her... I also think there are still feelings for her as i spent time thunking about her like i used to do before i went to sleep...and speaking of, i just got a reply to my message!!
  18. I can understand that...im an athiest too although im.more spiritual and in the beginning when my boss realized we liked each other, she even brought it up as a problem...i think the problem you're having with her is the same i had with him...i knew there were differences when he would pray before he ate and i didn't...it was something i would of brought up if we would of hung out together or anything...
  19. He is extremely religious...and I'm not...it threw me for a loop when he stuck that in there...and then shortly after, when we were finished with that story, he didn't want to start another one...
  20. Who else checked out the girls they were friends with? Who else wanted them all to themselves when you were hanging out and missed them when they weren't there? At the time, i didn't realize this, but over time of thinking about this stuff, its becoming clear. One of them, Ashley, I started thinking i was crushing on her one day she wasn't there and i was missing her horribly...another one, kelso, was the one who i had serious feelings for, i realized that i would of loved a chance to explore having her as a girlfriend and i hated when we were with her friends mostly because i had to share her and i think on some level, i didn't want them to pick up on my feelings for her and to this day i wonder if she knew and i also have thought about telling her but we haven't talked in a few years and frankly im not sure its worth the effort..not to mention that she comes from an extremely religious family and while she was accepting of me, I know from a conversation we had years ago, that if her parents would freak about her dating a girl, they would probably have a cow if we were dating...i had thought of seeing what would happen if i did start talking to her again and brought this up since i stopped talking to her when i realized i had strong feelings for her and she has a chronic illness and i wouldn't want to do anything to make things worse or cause any crap...
  21. You are so right...it is like meeting a new person! We seem so different and i was shocked when she messaged me first...i added her and she wrote first, i didn't...i also thought about her before i fell asleep and i haven't done that in ages!!
  22. Any advice for reconnecting with her??
  23. Well she accepted my friend request and she messaged me on messenger!! If i didn't have to get up early in the morning, i would prob stay up and start really messaging her and now I'm starting to get a little giddy...
  24. Just did:) nothing yet, but i should probably wait longer than a few minutes lol
  25. I was the female in the story and he was the male