Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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About findtheway

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  1. I recently moved into a smaller town and started living with my girlfriend. As this is a smaller community, I am not out here. I know some gay people and they are not out. My gf mostly is (family, coworkers), but she does pay a certain price for that. Back home I was out. All of my friends know about my sexual orientation, most of my family and I was out at my jobs. Back there I have no problem talking about my gf and calling her just that, a girlfriend. But here the situation is different. The town is much smaller and some of the people I sometimes work with directly are bigoted, in more ways than one and homophobic. As my occupation is freelance oriented, I'm worried that being openly out could influence my work, job offers. Maybe I'm right, and maybe I'm not. But it's not a chance I'm willing to take. Not now, anyway. As I'm new in this community, I am getting to know people. And some are open-minded, for some I just can't say. And even to those that I know would be ok with me being with a woman, I am not ready to come out because people talk and it takes time to build trust. All of this is so frustrating. I came out fairly recently and accepted my gayness and now I am hiding it again. I feel like a hypocrite when II talk about my ex boyfriend, but my current girlfriend, a woman I share my life with, call my roommate. I know it takes time to adjust in the new environment, but it is not always easy. In some ways it feels like a step back. It is a decision I made, to move here, and now I want to make the best of it. But some words of wisdom would help.
  2. Thank you ladies. I know you are right. I am pretty much gay. And I know I want to be with a woman, I want to build my life with a woman. I actually met a wonderful woman on-line recently, we clicked, it felt so good, but it just ended because it would have been long distance with hardly any chance of changing that. If we'd have been in the same place geographically, we'd have ended up together. She restored my faith in women; just knowing that she is out there, and that must be some others like her, it helps. Your story really stuck with me for some reason. So when I seriously consider running away from women to men because of the wrong reasons, I remind myself that it can go bad. Thank you for sharing.
  3. It sounds horrible and I believe it can be classified as sexual harassment. Maybe you can report him to someone. As someone who took was way too tolerant at workplace in the past, I think you should, But I don't know your circumstances, what would be the result, or do you even want to do that. Do nice guys sexually harass female colleagues? Quoted sentence I have a problem with. It is so sexist! I'm not saying you are sexist, but that we have been brain washed that men can do what they want and get away with it because they are "basically nice guys". There is no such generous tolerance for women, they are judged instantly. And it is not fair to men who really are nice guys.
  4. Ahoj! I'm not from the Czech Republic, but I am Slavic and I speak Czech.
  5. I know there is no general answer to this question, that it depends on the person. Having said that, my experiences with women are way messier than those with men. I was so brutally flirted with, and than when I showed genuine interest in hooking up, had them back out. I had a girl invite me to her room to sleep with her (more than once), she was not sober, though, and the time I was willing to accept her invitation, her friend showed up and messed my plans. And when I told her I'd like to kiss her the next evening, she was surprised, shocked even. WTF?! I even managed to hook up with the narcissistic stalkery girl. Luckily it didn't last long, I ended it in time, and there was no real damage. I know that these are my individual experiences and not the general rule, but these things never happened to me with men. I think women are so much more complicated and messy than men. I didn't have a lot of partners, neither sexual nor romantic ones. Since I came out, I dated women exclusively. I lost interest in men. Now I am single for some time now and I haven't had sex in almost six months and I am starting to miss it really hard. I even started thinking about men sexually. I think that the loneliness and too long abstinence have something to do with it. If I would find a man really attractive and have a chance to have sex with him, I wouldn't refuse it, I guess. But when a guy hits on me seriously, I am not really interested. I just find women so much more interested and attractive. I feel for women what I never did for men, neither in the range of emotions or in intensity. I said a few times, if I would know that I could feel complete with a man, I would forgo women instantly and focus on men. But I feel that I would always miss being with a woman. And I don't want to turn to men out of despair, I think that it can lead to a bad path. But women seem to be driving me crazy the way the men never did. And yet, I want a woman!
  6. Welcome back!
  7. I come from a catholic surrounding. And very homophobic. I was taught in Sunday school that gays are not able to love completely, for example. And that if you're gay, you should never have sex, because it's sinful. And so on. No wonder it left scars and self-disdain. I am glad your experience is different, that you were in more accepting church. I declare myself as an atheist (or agnostic at best) now, but I think many teachings in the catholic church (I don't know for others) have strained from the ideas of the New Testament. But I don't want to get into religious debate. That is just my opinion, right or wrong. I also dated a girl who has a ton of internalized homophobia. Religion being one of the reasons. It was difficult, when she would freak out when I would touch her in a friendly way outside, on a dark empty street. Just a tap on the back, nothing else. And the irony is that she outs herself when she is drunk. She is a good person, but that was way too much to handle. Especially since she didn't really work on those issues. So, yeah, self-acceptance is a process, often a painful one. It works only if the person actually wants to move forward, to deal with the issues. Not everyone does or think they can do that.
  8. Some say, forget labels, they are limiting. That is true in a way, but I need to have a label for myself, just to be able to understand better who I am. It helps me accept myself easier. First I came out as bisexual. It made all the sense since I've been in relationships up to that point. But there were secret attractions to women. After I let myself feel all of those repressed feelings, I started to question that label and I started thinking I might be a lesbian. The thought freaked me out at first, as it struck a nerve, you know that feeling, when you feel something deep in the gut, in the very core of your being, when it rattles you completely? I started questioning that before I had ever even kissed a woman, based "only" on my desires, thoughts and feelings. And, as it turned out, I was right. Sex with a woman was so much more satisfying. And the intensity of emotions, wow! I had no idea I had the capacity to feel all that before, when I was with men. Now, I am not repulsed by men, I could imagine sex with a guy, but why would I do it? It doesn't attract me. And women are so fascinating. I know I want to spend my life with a woman. So, yes, I identify as gay, even though I had relationships with men in the past. And I really don't like it when someone forces a bisexual label on me, when a person actually corrects me about who I am! There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, but things like that are disrespectful and invalidate my feelings and experiences. We should accept other peoples' labels as they say it, as we can't know better then them who they are.
  9. I'm with Hungry on this one. It does seem like she just wants the attention. If she had any serious intentions, she would have acted differently. Maybe she has some deeply hidden desires, maybe not. Does it even matter? Especially if, in the end, you just get your hopes up for no reason.
  10. I agree, Lilac, but those interpreting what is and isn't there to their own accord are very real and very loud. And leave real consequences on people. Even though it often has nothing to do with the original idea.
  11. Reading the initial post and some of the comments reminds me of my own struggles. The boiling point I reached before I came out, I just couldn't keep it inside me, I had to face it. Than feelings of shame, of self-rejection, of being horrified over my own sexuality, and feeling so joyful and liberated at the same time. It is all a process. I too came out fairly recently, in my early 30s. I lived with a man for a few years before that. And now I identify as gay as I'm not looking for a guy, but a woman to spend my life with. Watching the videos, gay films, I've done it. It helped me feel more normal and less isolated. Now I'm pretty much ok with myself and my sexuality, even though some shame appears from time to time. I don't really have any good advice, caliwoman, as it seams you are handling your own process very well. And that what it is. A process. Realization, coming out, self-acceptance, feeling ok with yourself, it all comes with time. Step by step. You really sound empowered and that is great. And even if you don't feel good about yourself at some moment, know that it is a passing moment and that it's ok to feel that way too. I've been told not to worry about labels because in the end it doesn't matter if you're bi or gay or something else. What matters is that you are with a person you feel good with. I need a name for my sexuality, it helps me accept it. So I searched and questioned. And like you, I found that men don't interest me any more. They are not repulsive or disgusting, just not as nearly as fascinating and as attractive as women. I to am a lesbian. I have wondered and questioned it, I even had a topic about it here, trying to figure it out. But yeah, I'm gay. And it is liberating to say that. Congratulations for embracing yourself! It's great that you did it. I'm proud of you for it. Just own it. It is in a way awesome!
  12. I was quite religious for a while, in high school, and I think it left its mark on me. I guess you are right about the acceptance part. I knew my mom would be ok with it, as she is, and my friends are accepting, but I think there was some fear of rejection on some level. It's interesting, but when I started to accept my sexuality, so many other things started to fall into place. I always felt different. I couldn't tell you what it was at the time, but I think me being a little gay tomboy had a lot to do with it. I felt like I wasn't like the other girls, as I wasn't. I was an outsider. But when I started looking back, it was funny (amusing) how many stereotypes I did fit into. And not everyone was shocked, or surprised for that matter, when I came out. When I started coming out, it was horrible. I had to be drunk to be able to tell my friend that I "think I might be bisexual". I talked A LOT with that friend, and it all started to come out. The shame, the disgust, the fear, the joy, the relief, so much relief, all of it. The good and the bad. I even called myself a freak of nature at some point. To get all of those hidden, repressed feelings out into the light, to let myself feel them in a safe environment, to just get them out was a healing process in itself. Important thing was that the people closest to me, to whom I came out first, were all supportive and accepting. Their acceptance helped me accept myself. I also read a lot and saw many videos, mostly coming out stories, personal experiences of being a gay person and such things. It also helped me feel more normal. All of my closest friends are straight. They have some other gay friends, but they themselves are straight, and don't share that experience, of being different that way. This forum also helped me a lot. Talking to some women here, reading their experiences, seeing all kinds of different stories, and that it's all ok, I felt (and still feel) safe and accepted here. It means a lot to me. So thank you ladies for that. What I'm trying to say, it was a process. A continuum. Layer after layer of hurtful emotions had to be peeled of, dealt with. Finding a girlfriend (she is now an ex, but there were others after her) also helped. It felt so natural to kiss her, to hold her. I think loving another woman is magical and I can't imagine being straight now. Nor do I want to. I like my gayness now, even though some negative feelings surface from time to time.
  13. I have a lot of experience with auto-homophobia. That's one of the reasons it took me sooooo long to come out (I was 32) even though I was totally in love in a girl several times. For me it has a lot to do with the religious surroundings of my youth and somewhat homophobic society. Even though I was in a very liberal surroundings since after high school, my inner feelings didn't change. I had some gay friends, and I didn't mind that they were gay, I was perfectly fine with it. I truly was not homophobic. But I couldn't handle my own feelings. I had a crush on a girl, before I came out, she figured it out and she showed interest. I got so tremendously scared and embarrassed that I practically ran out of the room. Later, when I started coming out to a close friend, she was very supportive and understanding and we talked a lot, and she was shocked by the amount of self-loathing disgust and shame that surfaced. She was surprised even more because she knew that I would feel completely different, that I would be accepting and supportive if someone else had said to me what I was saying to her. I have to go now, but I can write more later if you'd like.
  14. A girl I'd like to hook up with messaging me that she came three times thinking about us together.
  15. Came out to my mom last week. She was totaly cool wit it all. It makes me very happy. :) Yay, mom!