Platinum Shy-Bi Girl
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caliwoman last won the day on April 11 2017

caliwoman had the most liked content!

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About caliwoman

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  • Music
    Anything and everything except 75% of country
  • Location
    Palm Springs, California
  • Interests
    Any and everything.
  • Signature Fragrance
  • Favourite Book
    She's Come Undone
  • Favourite TV Show
    Game of Thrones, Dexter, Ray Donovan, Wings
  • Favourite Film
    No Country for Old Men, Six Degrees of Separation, When Harry Met Sally, Postcards from the Edge
  1. You feel lighter and breezy, huh? And the sense of hope and optimism comes back to you. Oh, how we become so attached to those who aren't good for us. So wonderful when one day, we find that we've let go.
  2. Have you felt this way before?
  3. I'm sitting in a library and I'm typing this out. I have realized today that my fears are taking over my life; see, I have a fear of "looking dumb" or "stupid." If i were to be in danger and had to ask someone for help, I'd choose to continue to be in danger because asking someone for help is something very hard for me to do. Just now, I avoided going to the restroom because there was a group of ladies blocking a hallway and I didn't want to look like I didn't know where I was going (I didn't). These fears hold me back much of the time. I have trouble trying new machines at the gym I find myself going to the gym very early because there are less people at the gym during this time I avoid going to the "front" of the gym where the mirrors are at (and where I need to view my form) because it's highly visible. I would much rather shrink in comfort than expand in the uncertainty of what would be growth. A lot of this stems from my mom. "You look like a dork" or "What are you? Weak?" are many things I heard in childhood. I was constantly shrinking down for her. To do what she wanted and to be how she expected me to be. As an adult though, this voice in my head (which is very much what I heard as a kid) is leaving me perpetually exhausted. I have big dreams and large aspirations, much of which include being in the public eye. At this point, how am I going to accomplish that when I don't want to be seen in a "negative" light by anyone (by making a mistake or having to ask for help or directions), which means I won't allow myself to be in a positive light (and fulfill my hopes, dreams, and wishes). To go anywhere new and for me to feel "safe," I often have to take my ex-husband. He's pretty agreeable with this, but he doesn't get the point. When going to a new environment, I could easily panic. How to get there? Will I get there late? Will I fall on my way in? Who will I talk to? Will something embarrassing happen, like my stomach grown in a quiet room? It's fucking tiring. Once I get there (to whatever place) I'm going and get settled, I'm absolutely fine. I get along well and am quite outgoing. Even as I sit and type this while in the library, I worry. How do I look? Are my shorts too short? Am I attractive enough? How's my hair? Like ANYONE is even looking at me and also, why should I care? In the past few weeks, some things have happened with my mom that leave me a bit uncomfortable.. At a group lunch, I walked up to a full table and my mom said- very loudly- "Damn! With all that weight you lost, I have bigger boobs than you! What happened to them?" Weeks later, she told me I shouldn't lose anymore weight (with the inference that my face is too gaunt, thereby, I look older). A week ago I ordered a shirt through her web-site that says: "I'm his gay friend. He's single, ladies!" My ex is always accusing me (jokingly) of cock blocking him. I ordered the shirt to wear while out in public. My mom said, "I don't know. I'd personally be very embarrassed to be with you if I were him." These comments, which are minute in their individuality, seem to gain in strength when added together. I carry her voice around everywhere I go. It's hard for me to go to new places. Meet new people. I find that I'm very judgement myself, a trait I am not proud of, as i feel we judge people based on what we think of ourselves. I sincerely want to get past this. I don't do therapy anymore, as that has run its course for me. Does this resonate with anyone else? I know I'm going to have to force myself to "get out there." My ex-husband did a lot for me. This was also done in a controlling way, as I had complete and utter dependence on him. Now that I'm trying to get where I need to go, these challenges can be daunting and as an adult, it's very hard to admit them. Most days, I'm harsh with myself and unforgiving, but today I realized that when people are harsh with me, I shrink down. How do I not do the same for myself when I'm harsh about the mistakes I make? I dunno. I'm trying my best. It can seem like a lot at times.
  4. Damn. You gotta lot of water in you! Whatever your feelings are, you seem to be embracing them. As for me, I'm pissed! I recently revealed what I knew to my ex. She didn't deny anything. Who knew? A few years ago I would have told that the tarot was a bunch of fake stuff... but nope, for me, it's very accurate. I'd never want a woman like that again in my life and I know now to listen to my intuition. Tough lesson.
  5. Cloud, Sounds like your reader pulled the 7 of swords. Sucks! BTW, we have the same exact story (pretty much). My reader said that my ex is was messing around with a “Queen of Cups” and I thought she wrong. Turned out, she was very right. The only difference in our story is that my ex never told me about her deception. I had to find that out through my tarot reader/spriitual adviser. What’s your sun sign? My ex was caught up on her own unavailable woman. That woman was bisexual too (my ex is lesbian) and would play hot and cold w/my ex. She mentioned her to me. Also mentioned she’d be going to see her to help her at a doctors appointment and that there was love and genuine connection between them. Ya da, ya da, ya da. I hope healing heads your way!
  6. Maybe internalized homophobia? I have my own triggers when it comes to same-sex relationships. It doesn't make logical sense, because obviously I'm LGBT, but it's still in me and until I work that out for myself, it will probably be there. My triggers are from the way I was raised: Gay is bad. Bisexual is bad. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve (etc.). I was raised to be a girly girl. My mother was very judgmental to anyone butch or androgynous. When I have these thoughts, I really have to sit with the feelings that arise and ask myself where is this coming from? And usually, it's something I learned as a kid in the way of dogmatic thinking.
  7. My male best friend says that he cannot open up to me and that I'm very judgmental. He says he cannot be truthful about the women he's talking to and therefore, holds back a lot. His situation: He was recently fired from his job. Stays at home all day while living w/his parents and admittedly, spends most of his day on dating sites. Most of his conversations revolve around the women he's talking to. Sometimes I find myself wondering if they are really women, just because I've been catfished. He rarely meets many of the women he talks to (online). He's gone w/me to meet-up groups and he barely says a word to anyone else besides me. I'm trying to be there for him and get him acclimated to meeting people in person (this also helps me make new acquaintances). When he talks to a woman on the regular, he'll ask me for my opinion. My opinion is that now is not the time for a relationship (given his situation), but that it doesn't hurt to talk to people. I try to steer him towards other topics, like a dream that he wants to accomplish or going to the gym, but he's really obsessed w/the topic of dating. This morning he told me that he can't really talk to me. I told him I did listen to him in those months in the very beginning, but that now it's all he wants to talk about. When we're out, he's usually on his phone on a dating site. He's been on multiple sites for a year and a half now. I do ask him for more info about these women he's talking to. Most of them are older women w/children (he doesn't have any) and some of them seem to raise red flags (they ask him to move in together, maybe after a date or two). I don't really know how to discuss the topic w/him anymore. I gave him my honest view of it today, that I think in general it's fine to get to know people, but that with the limitations of his situation, it's prob not the time for a serious relationship (which is what he's pining after). His response was, "See, why do you think I'm not ready? Why do you get to say when I'm ready?!" He also doesn't tell these ladies the truth about his situation, that he's unemployed and living w/his parents while getting back on his feet. I know he's very lost and confused and the addiction to the dating site is a distraction from what's really going on, but if I broach those topics or ask him to see a therapist, he becomes angry and immediately shuts down. I don't know what to do. I feel like talking to him about what now seems to be an obsession would only enable him. I also want to be a good friend, one who listens w/o judgment, but also has their highest good in mind. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is...
  8. It's been, challenging, to say the least. The majority of the women I meet have men in their lives, boyfriends or husbands. If they aren't attached, they usually flake on me. I don't know what women want. I feel confined to online interaction; I really wish I had more confidence for face-to-face flirting, but alas, if I like someone- I get a case of the mumbles and all shy and crap. LOL. So easy to meet a man. Women... not so much (for me).
  9. Here's another one by the same couple. I have no idea who they are? Maybe they're web-cam girls, but I don't think so.
  10. Also, I wondered a little bit if she wanted to see if I was down to have sex, because after I rec'd the message from him saying that she said I could see more pics if I wanted, she started to like pics on Facebook about doing things while drunk (and they were at happy hour at the time, this I knew). They do everything together. They sit on their phones side-by-side and say, "What should I say?" when chatting with other people. I highly doubt that she didn't know he messaged me. It threw me off when in the subsequent days, it was consistent contact via messages and phone calls. Either way, I had already turned down her request to watch me have sex with someone else and made it crystal clear (through the course of regular conversation; she didn't proposition me in this aspect). I don't have sex with friends. Knowing her, she'd make it seem like I was just blowing it out of proportion and why can't I take a joke. I'm relieved that others find it, at the very least, immature.
  11. LOL. My mom is "friends" with this friend.
  12. At this point... a pulse. I'm f-ckin' horny. LMAO.
  13. Oh, I don't work with them. I stopped by their office, as they own a business together.