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About LizzySizzles

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    Big Tease
  • Birthday May 27

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    Peppermint oil

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  1. I had a busy day scheduled today that I am opting out of, a day at home alone is exactly what I need. Loud music, lots of sad movies and crying.
  2. Having a place to talk about it helps tremendously. *Hugs* What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, no?
  3. I'm on my way to drunk, because maybe it will numb me up enough. Depression IS a lying bastard, but knowing the truth is half the battle so we're already ahead! *Hugs* Don't text assholes. Nothing good can come from it.
  4. I've been wanting to try it for so long, it sounds like the most intriguing experience. I've read quite a bit about it a month other cool things to try. Like an anechoic chamber, which I think would be awesome to try!!
  5. I think I'm going to try a float this week in a sensory deprivation tank, maybe get a massage afterwards.
  6. "A girl once told me to be careful when trying to fix a broken person, for you may cut yourself on their shattered pieces"

    1. N00Bi


      Ugh. Resisting texting that person right now. 

  7. So today was not a good day for me. I am struggling, and struggling hard. Since my surgery back on June my one ovary has been doing a great job keeping up with the need for hormones in my body, but I've got a feeling she's not doing so well any longer on her own. This will be my second cycle since June that I've been late on, and I'm about 4 days late now. But I've noticed that Pmsing is significantly worse than before. I have reason to believe that even before my missing hormones I suffered from PMDD, not PMS. I still believe that PMDD is a very real diagnosis I could be given if I cared to go get one, but I really don't. Either way, the time between my period is supposed to start (my normal 24-30 day cycle) and when it does, is turning into a personal hell for me. I've been so proud of myself for getting some serious control over my mental health in the last couple years, taking it into my own hands and actually paying attention to myself and my needs, a lot of self care has been involved and it's extremely difficult to not consider myself very selfish for needing, and giving myself, whatever I need. I'm getting much easier to deal with, much more in tune to my feelings and why I'm having them instead of just unexplained doubt or fear or anger. When I say the things I'm about to say, please be aware that I am NOT in any immediate danger, I do not intend to take any actions. I'm in need of a safe place and a constructive way to admit some of what is going on in my head, in hopes that I can release some of it and get some much needed relief. I know the second my period starts this will all fly away swiftly, but it's fucking killing me in the mean time an I'm coming to terms with the fact that this will likely be a recurring event I need to get a handle on, or resign myself to going to see a dr and being put on medication, likely hormones, which I do NOT want to do. Among the self care I do, I have some coping mechanisms for when my anxiety gets too high for me to feel in control of any longer. Not every one of my mechanisms is healthy, but I am careful and they work for me. I want to chuck every coping mechanism out the window and kill myself. I'm SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of feeling like it would just be easier to be dead. I've only been feeling this way for about 36 hours now and I KNOW it's hormones, but it doesn't stop me from wanting relief and my mind is focused on only one way to get it. I'm angry, I'm sad, I want to be alone. I can't explain the depth of the way I feel, my fucking skin ITCHES with the need to get some control over myself that is so far beyond my reach that I can't even fucking see it anymore. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm anxious, I'm depressed, and I can't get control of any of it. I had been doing SO GOOD staying in control, but these fucking hormones are KILLING me! Everything is out of my control. I can't control when I cry, how I treat people, when or how rapidly my moods shift. I'm just unloading some crap in hopes that I can make sense of it. I am playing the worst waiting game of my life, waiting for my period to start so I can feel human again and not like the wicked witch of hell. I CAN control this, I WILL be just fine. I AM capable of beating depression. I just don't feel like it at the moment.
  8. Agreed, that sounds sudden and unexpected for him to just have left peacefully. Please let us know in whatever detail you feel comfortable sharing that you're okay.
  9. Full of joy and tomatoes is EXACTLY what I need! That may be the best thing I've heard in years!
  10. There's something off about his behavior. It's one thing to not be okay with the situation, but he sounds not okay in general. I worry for your safety here, especially him holding a knife in the dark. It is of course perfectly normal for him to feel anxious or nervous about it, but he sounds very controlling and (I'm sorry to say) like he's being manipulative with you. "Don't be out of my sight because I don't know what you're doing" is very controlling behavior. I hope you're okay.
  11. The last 6 months of my life have been very, very busy for me. I see from my last entry that life has changed more than I had anticipated but it was all necessary changes and most for the better. The surgery went well, everything was fine. I returned to work with no problems and have had no issues since. I have only one ovary now and no tubes, so I still have periods (UG) and so far the one ovary has been enough to keep my body supplied with hormones. My period last month was the first since the surgery that wasn't exactly on time. When I was a young girl, before I went on birth control at 17, my periods were always erratic and unpredictable. I suppose there is a chance that after all these years I would go back to that. I'm late now, but not worried. Everything is working fine. I am noticing more about things probably affected by hormones, in addition to other things, that I am addressing as they come. I have less of a need to cry so often. I still need to, but I don't cry so easily either. I have found a little bit of confidence in my job and am finding it a little easier to stand up and do what needs to be done, instead of being worried how people will feel about working with me. I'm finding that having a regular, dependable schedule that guarantees me one day a week home alone is required to keep my mental health in check and that I have suffered not having it during this busy holiday season. This is the first retail job I have worked in management, and the first I've worked during the Christmas season in many years. I am very, very exhausted and my mental health is in need of some time and repair. I'm also finding myself much less apologetic about needing this time, it just is. I can't control it and I won't try. Our home situation has changed, we are now living in what was my mother in laws house. It's not far from where we were, so we could keep our son in the school he loves. But we don't love the township, the board members, or the police. None of them did what they said they would do. No one cared that my husband, son, and I were harassed and traumatized. These people weren't just assholes, I don't even have words to describe. I kept telling myself that they were obviously unhappy with their own lives and decided to spew their unhappiness on us because it was convenient. I'm slightly concerned because at my work a situation came up that I ended up renting to someone I work with. I'm concerned for a number of obvious reasons, and there is a small part of me that believes those neighbors will be so eager to prove that WE were the problem they won't be assholes to anyone else. I do worry though, I don't want the neighbors over there to find out I work with her, I'm afraid it will cause them to start their shit again. I am finally, finally, after 18 months of this mess, starting to heal. I'm broken by the township, the lack of care, the police who didn't do anything for us. My heart still needs healing. But I'm not afraid to drive by my own house anymore. I don't take a different route home in fear that these people are trying to find me. Progress has been slow, but I think the longer this other girl lives there and doesn't have an issue, the faster the healing will go. It's also nice to have someone renting the place, because even though I'm not making what I could off of it, at least the payment is covered. We can focus on making payments here we actually live and stop taking advantage of my mother in laws kindness and willingness to help. We will be tearing out the bathroom soon, hopefully. I say hopefully because my husband has found work and it's been a good job, however he works a LOT of hours. We don't see each other often and even when we happen to have time home together during the week, he's either eating, showering, or sleeping. Poor man, The job he found is an hours drive away, and his alarm goes off at 4:20 every morning. He's working somewhere between 60-70 hours a week some weeks. It's also outdoors work. In Michigan. It's frigid out right now, our highs are in the single digits. Usually this weather comes in February, which makes me think we'll get round 2 then. But for now, he's cold and tired. No working in the house yet. My mother in law is happy in her new place, and I just realized this week that I get to start planning my vegetable garden again, for the first time in over 2 years. It will be such a huge help to my mental health to have a garden again, I miss it so much. It's been too long and I'm losing my love for plants and I hate it. I can't wait until I can go outside and weed the veggies, smell the tomato plants, track the progress of the zucchini. I am outrageously excited to have a garden again. It's almost embarrassing. We've also found out that as a perk of being a supervisor at his new job, my husband can borrow pontoon boats from the lot over the summer. Even if that only means once, it's a chance we wouldn't have otherwise! So we are looking forward to that as well. Progress, progress. Changes. Forward movement. Things are happening. Live life or let it happen to you. It's your choice.
  12. Nothing happens if nothing happens. Sometimes change is necessary.

  13. I'm finally starting to NOT feel so anxious all the time! But at the moment I'm feeling frustrated with myself and hormonal. Also relief. There is some sweet, sweet relief from this constant feeling of failing that I've been struggling with for some time now.
  14. You would know, since you were there Was it also amazing for you?