LizzySizzles

I think scatting is defecating on someone. Def past my comfort level. My sexual limits have been changing lately, but I'm trying to figure out how to work my new desires into an old sex life with my husband. I'm much more open to things in bed now than I used to be and I don't know why or what changed, but I'm much more curious and willing to try things. I'm really very interested in anal, but he seems less interested so I don't push it.

Here we are, the end of May. A time I am usually very excited for. My birthday, the beginning of gardening season, this year we talked about moving, and the weather is so nice! This May holds difference significance for me, marked with awful experiences from these complete assholes next door, and waiting for test results, appointments, phone calls. It's all very nerve wracking. In the latest development the guy who lives there has decided that scaring me and watching us all the time isn't enough, now he has proven he'll go further by harassing a guest that came to my home. The chief of police has been involved, but for some reason everyone thinks it's just a matter of waiting them out, which leaves me hope. Last we knew, they were suppose to leave in June.The same thing was told to another neighbor by the landlord a few months ago. So based on all the information I have, I'm counting down the days until the end of June and I cannot wait to see a moving truck. I'm not quite counting down the days until surgery since I don't have a date set. However after my final appointment with the dr last week it has been determined there is no need for an oncologist in the OR. She feels confident in proceeding and said she'd have someone call me with a date set this coming week. So no actual countdown happening, but we agreed she would try to schedule the surgery before June 30th, for insurance reasons. So I do have a ballpark countdown going in my head. While I am sometimes over come with emotions and find myself crying about the idea of surgery, at least it's just surgery and the problem is gone. It will be a few days in the hospital, and a few weeks at home without driving, maybe a full 8 weeks before I can return to work. But I am looking forward to being comfortable again. Right now there is constant discomfort and pain and I cannot be too active. Even something like riding a bike would be very painful. So I feel like I'm in the final stretch and if I can just hold off this dark cloud for 1 more month, then I'll have some time at home this summer on recovery to charge back up. Once these neighbors are gone I can feel safe and comfortable in my home and yard. And after we've found a way to pay for the surgery I'll be able to keep myself busy with selling this house and finding a new one.

This afternoon I had an appointment with the Dr, who will actually be the one to perform my surgery. Last time this cyst grew, it was in my right ovary. The tech that did my ultra sound told me it looked like it was in my right ovary, which makes sense. Well it's not, it's in my left ovary. Which means now we can only really suspect what it is until we get in there to take it out, although it looks like it's probably another dermoid/teratoma. She (the Dr) said because of the fact that that it's in my other ovary than before, and my age (34) she's only slightly more concerned about it. The chance of re-occurrence in the opposite ovary, and in someone over 25, is very small. Like 1%. So some blood work was ordered to make sure that there aren't any indicators in my blood that she needs to schedule an oncologist in the operating room with her. The bad news is that because of it's size, I will have to be cut open again. It's too large to safely remove any other way. She and I agreed that taking the entire ovary, dermoid and all, is the best route and she's okay with that because my other ovary is healthy and functioning just fine. We also discussed and agreed on taking my tubes.She indicated there is a lot of evidence that ovarian cancer sometimes starts in the fallopian tubes, and since she's leaving me an ovary, removing my tubes is a good preventative option. We are done having children, which is one of the reasons I made it a point to have my husband with me at this appointment, so he could also help convince the Dr that we were in complete agreement about not having any more children. I feel pretty relieved that she agreed to take the ovary whole instead of cutting it open and trying to save it, and she seemed a little relieved that I didn't have a problem with the other ovary staying in. It will be major surgery, she said to expect 6 - 8 weeks for recovery. The only real plus side of that I can think of is that now I won't need to figure out childcare for my son for a large portion of this summer! He's old enough that he's capable of helping me in the recovery process,so it will prevent my husband from having to take as much time off to help in the beginning. I feel like I've done my fair share of complaining about my neighbors, but things have gotten out of hand and the chief of police has gotten involved. This guy is threatening, his girlfriend is aggressive. I've seen him be violent and to be frank, I'm terrified of him. She's screamed at me (fuck you bitch, fuck you) from her house, which is about 10 feet from mine, when she saw me sitting at my dining room table once, doing homework with my 8 year old. I can barely stand the idea of being outside in my own yard or driveway and am literally only leaving my house when my husband forces me to, other than to go to work. I'm feeling trapped in my own home and it sucks,it sucks worse than almost anything I could have ever imagined. We've discussed it and as soon as we can we are putting the house up for sale. Not just because of this situation, but this is making us realize how important it is to NOT have to share our driveway with anyone. It's a huge nuisance and we've been lucky the first 12 years here that we didn't have issues before. I'm slowly shutting down. I've started pretty much ignoring everyone and everything, I just want to sleep. All the time.Which I know is a dangerous sign of a depression headed my way and I keep thinking if something would just give I could fight it off. But right now, I've thrown in the towel. Between these pricks next door and the idea of surgery, again, I'm not up to it. I asked my dr a few weeks ago for something for anxiety and he obliged. I've used it extremely sparingly and it's helped, but I'm afraid to get addicted so I won't use it even daily. I am so tired.Just tired of it all, all the time. Bigger and better things will surely come my way, eventually, but for now I just want to bitch about it. I'm a good person. Hard worker. Loving, caring individual. Kind and compassionate, trying my hardest not to raise an asshole. Contributing member to society. But for the next few months I think even being a member of society is asking too much, I plan on just existing. And by next year this time, when I'm back to normal, I'll just remember this as a dark time I don't talk about.

So my PCP called me this morning with the MRI results and it is definitely just a mass or cyst. No cancer and no infection. So I'm still waiting for a call from the OB who I will need to schedule surgery with. Next I get to wait for surgery. I am not looking forward to surgery. I'm scared to be put under to be perfectly honest. I know that it's done every day and lots of people go through it just fine, but I'm scared. I've even had 4 surgeries in my life, 3 of which I've had to be put under for. And I hate it, it terrifies me. The mass is 3.34" by 4.1" by 5.6' (approximately). The average grapefruit is about 4 inches in diameter. So this would explain a lot of the symptoms I've been having for a long time now. Although the one thing every dr or tech I've seen about it up until now seems to think the weight loss shouldn't be a side effect of it. But there has been a pretty major weight loss, considering I'm not trying. Looks like more waiting on the agenda.

I'm doing the same and we are stronger than anything depression throws at us. Every time I feel defeated by my depression, I find some new mental muscle somewhere to flex that reminds me that I am, and will always be, stronger than it. Good for you and you got this!

I once heard the saying "Your eyebrows are sisters, not twins" and it helped me stop trying so hard to make them so even. I mean, I still try but I careless if they are uneven than I do abut over plucking.

I also won't empty pockets before I do laundry and that one he learned the hard way. I washed his wallet three times before he started remembering to check before throwing his clothes down stairs. And now he warns the 9 year old "Don't leave it in your pocket or it'll get washed!"

I just won't go out of my way to get his shit done anymore. If you want your clothes washed, they need to make it down the laundry chute. I don't care if I step over your dirty jeans to get to the laundry room, if they are not where they should be they won't get washed. But I think I got lucky, my husband is the one who is much neater than I am. I just don't mind a mess as much as he does,but he cleans up after himself pretty well. Even with a husband and a 9 year old in the house I don't have to ever put the toilet seat down, unless someone else has been in my house. The ONE thing he does lately thats driving me up the wall is leaving pop cans on the counter. He's the only one in the house who drinks pop so I know they aren't any one elses.And he leaves them sitting on the counter RIGHT ABOVE the cupboard where the container for them is. BY the time I get home sometimes there are 2 or 3 cans sitting there,just INCHES away from where they go. I think I'm going to start lining them up on the hood of his truck and see how he like that.

Ooh fun!! I'm glad he'll watch, that way at least he's involved a little. I hope it turns out as amazing as it sounds!

So he can't decide if he wants to, but do you get to participate either way? ;)

I am not the person that generally takes pharmaceuticals unless completely necessary. I use oils a lot and will try many homeopathic remedies before resorting to seeing a dr (in most cases) or even an over the counter medicine. I know that surgery is happening one way or the other, but depending on what type I may be able to get away with no pain pills at all, which I hate taking. Even a Motrin 800 will make my body feel jacked up for awhile, even if it does provide relief. Thanks for your experience and luck

I didn't realize HRT could be a short term thing....I thought it was a pretty final thing. Like once you started you'd need to continue indefinitely.

This is why I want to keep one of my ovaries. I have no interest in HRT unless absolutely necessary and I can avoid it longer by keeping my healthy ovary.