LizzySizzles

Literally in a casual conversation with someone else today I randomly learned something else about her that she had lied to me about. We weren't even talking about her, the girl I was talking to didn't even know about us, but the girl mentioned her and casually dropped some information about something that I had been led to believe had went differently. Just....UGGGGGG!!!! This is why I don't let people in!!!

I call it a slow burn because it seems to be getting worse the longer it goes. And I've started to see even more that I chose not to before because I had rose colored glasses on. I'm just very upset with myself, I usually have better judgement.

I had undesirable side effects that I choose not to put myself through again. Personal choice, or principle I suppose.

I'm not heartbroken. I'm not spending my days crying. I am fine and will continue to be fine, but I'm mad. Furious. I can't STOP being mad because now I know I doubted myself when I shouldn't have. YOU made me doubt myself when I should have trusted my instinct that there was something going on. Shame on me for letting you in. Shame on me for not keeping my eyes open and my head clear. Shame on me for expecting you to treat me the same way I did you. But worst of all, shame on me for not trusting myself when I started to notice things not right. I wanted SO BADLY to believe that I was different to you than anyone else you had lied to, cheated on, mistreated, or tossed aside. But now I know, I wasn't. Now I know. And it stings. Not the unbearable sharp, sting of rubbing alcohol being poured on a fresh cut. More like a slow, seething burn that you don't notice until it's too late, like a sunburn. The kind that keeps you in discomfort, close to agony, for days afterwards because you didn't trust your instinct and put on some goddamn sunscreen, even though you knew better. I knew better, but I trusted you, I have been bit, one, two, three too many times. I It still didn't stop me from being seduced by you. Or stop me from thinking you would see me as different, any more, than anyone else you had wronged. It didn't stop me from giving you trust you didn't earn and didn't use well. I'm still mad. I see now, because I was stupid enough to keep checking on you, that you are happy and may very well have found exactly what you are looking for, and with the one that I'm so fucking angry about. And believe me or not, there is a small piece of me that hopes so and is happy for you. But there is a bigger piece that wonders how long until you screw this up too, because theres a bitter side of me that is betting against you. Ani Difranco Says... "I used to be a superhero No one could touch me Not even myself You are like a phone booth That I somehow stumbled into And now look at me I am just like everybody else" You were my phone booth. You were what made me forget to treat my feelings with respect and keep my eyes open to those who would do me harm, like I have diligently done for years now. And you took advantage of my vulnerability and now I'm mad at you. Furious. Resentful. Enraged. I blocked you from facebook, not because I care what you see, because I can't get mad about what I don't see if I block myself from seeing it. Another shame on me, I knew better than to keep checking in on you. But I did it anyways. As a result I will deal with another few days of anger before I can get back on the path of healing. A little more damaged, a little wiser, and a little stronger.

I literally cannot stop giggling at the mental images of that scenario that have popped into my head. Oh man, what a good start to my day. Thanks @BenedettaC!!!!

I laughed way harder at this than I probably should have.

Girl you ain't kidding about that huge act of love and faith. I don't think I realized what I was asking until the time came and I was walking out the door and went to kiss him goodbye. Suddenly I understood that he was giving me all the faith he had in me that I would come back, come home, and stay home, no matter what happened next. Suddenly all those times I had been insecure in our relationship, or with him, made me feel so silly because look how secure he was in our relationship to actually be letting (for lack of a better term) it happen. That is not to say we didn't heavily consider the risk involved, but there will always be risks to take, you just calculate as carefully as possible before taking them. Then still count on things going wonky. Like I said a lot of my mentality comes from taking vows before I knew I was bi. Every single person has a different situation they are facing and what is perfect for me and mine absolutely won't work for the next relationship.

It's possible I feel differently because I didn't discover I was bi until after I was married. So it's not as if my being bi is something he knew he was getting into. Neither of us did. And he could have left when I came out to him, and he didn't. He stayed by my side and asked that if I do this I help him feel secure. I see not one good reason not to grant him that request. If I had gone into the marriage knowing I was bi it's likely I would feel very differently.

Mine was as supportive as he could possibly have been, while still feeling insecure about it. His came from a fear that I would discover I was a lesbian and want to leave him, and our life and marriage, and run away with whatever girl I may fall for. It took a lot of reassurance that I was still prioritizing my marriage, and his sex needs, over anything on the side. It was a lot of work, but worth it. Now our situation is very different than it was 6 months ago, or even 6 weeks ago, but we're much more open about talking about stuff now (We had quite the conversation about swinging this afternoon). Additionally, I actually think our marriage is stronger. While being with a woman was amazing and I've no doubt I'm bi, I took a vow and I intend to stay with my husband and support our marriage, and since he has no doubt about that in his mind, it's easier for him to not mind. We have talked about the next time something comes up, how comfortable he will be if he isn't involved (sexually) at all or as often, and he said he won't say no if that is what I want and need, but to remember to reassure him I'm not going anywhere. I feel like it's completely natural for a guy to say he will support you, until it's a matter of actually sharing you and your body with someone else. Some men just handle that better than others, the same way some women talk about wanting threesomes, then getting a chance and backing out. No one can actually know how they are going to feel or react to the situation until they've been directly faced with it and all we can do is make our husbands/boyfriends feel secure in our relationships.

This is how most men respond to hearing I work on my own car or help people move furniture. I'm only 5 ft and look small, but have a lot of muscle so people are always shocked. They should really stop under estimating us smaller women.

I am a naturally very dominant person. I am the disciplinarian with my son, I am the strict one with rules and bedtimes. I am (was) the manager who takes no shit. And I can talk a BIG game about how I'll get what I want from you, however....I really, really enjoy submissive behavior. Like not in an abusive way, but to turn off my brain and turn on my sex drive and let my husband or some hot fucking chick use me and my body exactly how they want. Tell me they want to do to me, or what they want to watch me do to them....good lawd it's a turn on! I LOVE it when someone tells me what they me to do to them, or makes me do it. I suppose I can go both ways, but being a sub is a much bigger turn on for me. If I know it's a turn on for someone else if I take control though, I will.

I'm not a girly girly super femme type, I kick it in jeans and tennis shoes most often with very little make up, but if I put on a pair of boots and a little mascara I can get a LOT of male attention, so I assume my curves make me look feminine. I got nice curves. As far as attention goes it would be nice to know if I ever attract female attention. It's never obvious enough for me to pick up on, if it's happening. Women are hard to read. Since I'm married I don't think most people try to put me in one category of the other. My ex girlfriend always said she loved how butch I could act because i didn't look it, anytime I was working on my car or chopping wood she'd ask for pictures. lol

A whopping 4' 12" . I've been begging the DMV to put that on my license for years. I'm commonly referred to as fun sized.

Come on now, with an answer like that she's going to ignore you just to look forward to the spanking she'll have coming her way for NOT listening!