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About Usagi.fangirl

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    Big Tease
  • Birthday 06/15/1991

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    A Course In Miracles
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    RuPaul's Drag Race

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  1. Usagi.fangirl

    My Love For Her

    There is a woman that I have loved nearly all my life. She was my best friend. We grew up together, but in time we grew apart. She was always so perfect. Gorgeous, smart, funny, athletic, artistic, nearly perfect. Her biggest flaw has always been her self-doubt. I remember going bathing suit shopping with her. Everyone looked incredible on her, and yet in her eyes her thighs were too big, her body not quite ideal. I loved her fiercely, I would have done anything for her. As we grew and matured, I felt her reluctance to be around me. She seemed to struggle with my budding sexuality. I dated plenty of boys, she never did. She never tried. Every time a boy worked up the courage to ask her out, she was always shocked that someone would be interested in her that way. She was never interested in them. I grew up, and I held on. I always called her first, I always made our plans. I always pushed her to step out of her shell, to get out into the world. I think she hated that, but she always answered, she always showed up. When I got married, she signed my marriage certificate as a witness. When I had my first baby she took a bus for seventeen hours so she could be one of the first to hold them. She was my best friend, and yet, I felt I didn't really know her. There was this part of her that she kept locked up, kept to herself. She hid herself from me, and that broke my heart. I remember talking to her about our childhood and confessing that I had always looked up at her, was always jealous of her. Her perfect family. Her gorgeous body. Her skills and talents. She was shocked. She told me that she has always been jealous of me. My charisma, my ability to easily make friends, my strength in being myself. I learned a big lesson that day, and finally look her off her pedestal. I came out as bi. Not to everyone, just to myself and my husband. I wrote a blog post about it on my website, and found some support from other queer people. I found myself thinking about her. Truth be told, I have long since suspected she was gay. At 25 she has never gone on a date with a guy, nor has she ever (to my knowledge) had a crush on one. Growing up we watched Sailor Moon together, and her favourite character was the tall blonde lesbian. My friend is tall and blonde. When I asked her if she was gay, or at least maybe a little bit less than 100% straight, she denied it. I doubted her. She has always struggled with internalized homophobia. I've been trying to get her to stop saying things like "That's gay" for years, and yet she won't. She's progressive in every other way, and yet... I realize now that I have long since been in love with her. I had a dream a few months ago involving making love with her, and that dream pushed me to go out and find this website. I needed to take the first step in living a life as a bi woman. I had come out, but I wasn't living the life I wanted. I wish I didn't still want her. I wish I didn't think about how close we used to be, or how perfect we would be together. It's strange, but my husband is so similar to her. Beyond his body, they are so similar. I often wonder what could have been. I wonder if she distanced herself from me because she struggled to see me date men. I wonder if she loved me as deeply and as fiercely as I love her. We haven't spoken in many months. I was fed up with her lack of effort. I told her I needed a real friend, someone who would show up, make the call, respond to my emails. She never responded. I miss her so much. She still lives at home, with her conservative parents who I doubt would be supportive of a lesbian daughter. She was taught that her role is to get married and raise children. Travel, adventure, gay clubs, these things are off limits for her. She is too afraid to venture into the world. She is too afraid to be her true self, and I'm left wondering what her true self looks like. She used to be so fun, so carefree and wild. Somewhere along the way she learned that she needed to tone it down, to slouch, to speak softly, to avoid doing anything that would draw attention to herself. I miss her so much, but I'm afraid to open up that old wound. Maybe I just need to learn to get over her. Maybe she isn't gay. Maybe she will never admit to being gay. Maybe she is already on Shybi, or sites like it, exploring her identity in a safe way. Where are you? Do you miss me? I wish I would stop dreaming of her. I wish I could just move on. I wish I had never fallen in love with my (possibly straight) best friend.