KMA

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    United States

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About KMA

  • Rank
    Bashful
  • Birthday 09/05/1997

Profile Information

  • Location
    USA
  • Interests
    My interests are very eclectic. I like movies, music, and reading. My favourite book is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, favourite movie is either also Pride and Prejudice (2005 Kiera Knightly version) or Gladiator (Russell Crowe), and my favourite music genres range from classical to hip-hop to classic rock ect. Pretty much anything besides rap (excluding Macklemore if you consider his music to be rap). I like to bake and I enjoy learning about new things.

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  1. "I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of any thing than of a book! -- When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library." - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice I absolutely love Pride and Prejudice. It will always bring me joy to read it.
  2. That's What I'll Be by Chester See https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=LL3D6e6n5dqdVxQkZc5Wu9EA&v=2EUiAq_6PgA
  3. So it all started about a year and a half ago. She walked into my cultural diversity class and the moment I saw her, I knew I had to get to know her. My brain would not let it rest, my heart was racing, and my eyes kept looking her way. Who is this girl?! What is it about her that is so interesting? Why am I thinking of her like this? Looking back, I have always been interested in both girls and boys, but ignored what I was feeling, thinking I was only looking at girls because I was jealous of their looks. Until that wonderful day. After that, I couldn't stop thinking of Her. In the beginning, I would just make up excuses to come to school and hoped that I would see her. Then I had a dream. We were alone in a small room and she came behind me and hugged me close and kissed my neck. "Are you ready to tell them?" I didn't realize what she was talking about at the time but in my dream I looked her in the eyes and said "not yet". Then I woke up. I was so confused! Months went by and we became friends. I finally admitted to myself that it was Her I was attracted to. Her alone. She was my realization, my validation. I couldn't get enough. Then I had another dream. Around the same time, I was struggling with accepting myself and keeping it to myself. I was drowning in my secret. One night, I had a dream that felt so real but I knew it couldn't be true. I was alone in the house at the time, but I dreamt that she was sitting across the room and she was talking to me. She told me everything was OK and I should just be myself and not care what people thought. "I know you're scared but you need to live life the way you want instead of hiding away and not being true to yourself. I'm here." Her voice was so soft and it made me feel at ease. I knew it was time. She walked across the room and sat on the side of my bed. Here's the weird part; I felt her touch. I felt the pressure of her body next to me and her hand on my leg. But I knew I was alone in the house. She leaned in close and kissed me like I've thought so much about. Then, I woke up wishing I could goback to sleep and keep dreaming. I knew I couldn't keep it secret any longer. A week or two later, I told one of my closest friends who I knew I could trust and she would accept me. I couldn't tell my family yet. We talked it over and that night, I messaged Her and talked to her about the dream (not every detail but that she was there reassuring me) and I told her I was bisexual and that I liked her. Unfortunately she said she had a girlfriend and they're pretty serious. What did I expect? At least she knew now and she didn't feel uncomfortable with it. We met a few days later and I asked her about how she handled coming out and how I felt about everything. I was nervous, a little bummed, but I was so grateful to have her there to support me even if it wasn't how I imagined (or dreamed). Now, we are becoming closer as friends and we talk almost every day. I still feel so much for her. I don't think that it will change anytime soon either. This week we're meeting and having coffee. I know it will be as friends but hopefully one day we will be so much more. I am enjoying our moments while I can. She has changed my life so much. She's turned myworld upside down and helped me become a better person. l am so much happier than I have ever been and I have gained more self-appreciation and confidence. She's made my coming out of the closet much easier than I could have hoped for. I'm not saying it hasn't been difficult but it is going a lot better than I imagined. I hope everyone is lucky enough as I was to have someone like Her walk into my life. ♡
  4. So glad to hear it went well. Telling my sister was the scariest moment for me. We are best friends and I knew her thoughts on lgbtq+, so that me even more nervous. I'm still working on telling everyone else I feel should know ,but the closest friends and family make it nerve wracking! But nothing is better than having your best friend love you for you!
  5. Yes! Not exactly love letters but letters that are very clear about how I feel. I really enjoy witing out my feelings for someone but I have never actually given the letters to the person. I keep them and maybe one day I can show her and she can understand just how much she means to me. Whenever I find myself daydreaming and wondering about her, I just start writing. I don't really plan anything out to say but I just let my heart control the pen and say how I truly feel. Afterwards, I can look at it and itt makes me feel so relieved, excited, happy, etc. I adore little things like this. ♡
  6. Thank you. I had not really thought of it that way. I will try to see it through your lens as you put it. Maybe then I can stop regretting so much and be proud of what I didn't do like you said. I am so happy that I kept my virginity. That's been on my mind a lot since then and has been one of the things that comforts me. I will definitely use this to learn from and know what to avoid in the future. I do know one thing for sure. I am in no rush at all to try any more exploring. I had everything planned out in my head and I will keep that plan for myself. In the beginning, I had feelings for a friend, and still do, (that same friends mentioned earlier) and wanting to go through everything with her. She is someone who I know is kind and fair, and most importantly, she has been there for me 100% since I came out to her and I trust her whole heartedly. I'll look through these new lenses and focus on this thought; everything bad about that situation would never go wrong with her. She would never do those things to me. Thanks again.
  7. Recently, I came out as bisxual. I told my friend and she was so great about it. But i confessed i had no idea what I was doing or what I want. Being a lesbian herself, she said I should explore to figure things out. That is what helped her. A couple weeks later, I ended up messaging someone from school who was a few years ahead of me but we had mutual friends. It was nice and innocent enough, so we decided to meet up one night to talk after he got off work (it was the best time we could find). Very early into our conversation he asked me if I had lost my virginity and I answered honestly with a "no"; it has always been something I felt proud of being able to say. I felt a little weird about it him asking me so early but I ignored the feeling in my gut. When we met up, we talked for a while and walked around. It was a simple walk in the park at night, looking at the stars and learning about each other. Then, he pushed things further. I told him before that I wasn't that kind of girl but we were in the moment and I've never been in that kind of situation before. We didn't have sex but we did take it pretty far for our first time meeting. After that night, I realised a few things. I know in my gut that he would have pushed me further if I didn't keep stopping him and telling him to wait. Now even his name, the taste of the gum I was chewing that night, the memories of a lot of "firsts" make me feel sick to my stomach and feel a lot of regret. He told me he has slept with a lot of girls before and that he even had a list! I ignored all of these red flags and stayed when I now know that I should have left him right then. It was somethhing new and i wanted to figire out what i wanted. This was the to do it right!? Now I know I was wrong. He knew i was new to everything and nervous and he fed off that. He enjoyed the taking so many of my first-time experiences that I was not sure I was ready to have yet. I feel as if I were his prey. I feel like he used me for another name to add to his list and I don't know how to handle these thoughts. It's been about a month and it still gives me chills (not the good kind, the creepy kind). I've only talked to a couple of people about this and they all said "just block him" or "just find someone else in order to forget him" but I don't want to put myself in that kind of situation again. It has made me seriously think about who I am as a person and what it would mean if I were to use someone else to forget. I would be using someone as I feel I have been used. I don't want that; that's not who I am. I won't talk to him again and I ended things. But I still can't shake what has scarred my memory. He has become the memory that haunts my mind as if to remind myself of just how naive I was and capable of being made felt like a piece of shit that can pressured into things. I don't know what to do.
  8. I am still living at home and attending a community college. And yes, I plan on staying here for a while. I still have a couple of years of school left. I'm not really sure if there's any support groups around but will definitely check it out. As for the friends, I am currently working on building trust, we've just met this past year so the friendship is pretty new. I definitely see your point about really being out and bringing someone else into the closet. Ha, usually I am the one keep another person's secret. It can be tough sometimes and I don't want to put that on someone for now. Like I said before, I think I might work on myself before I tell someone in my life. But while working on myself, I might consider the groups, counseling, and/or the articles. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the input and advice.
  9. I have taken the first step down a long path and I have no idea where I'm going or what to do. I have accepted the fact that I like both men and women. Not only am I stressing over my feelings, I am stressing over the fact that I am completely new to anything and everything "relationship". At the rate I am going, I'll turn out to be the real-life "Never Been Kissed" story, most likely with a much less romantic ending. Now that I have accepted who I am, I want to explore who this new found identity. Here's the catch; I live in a mostly closed-minded family, in a small town in the middle of nowhere with a closed-minded, hypocritical community and I am not going anywhere anytime soon. If the people around me learn about my sexuality, I know I will have a very small circle of loved ones who will support me, but the people who are closest to me are the ones that I worry about finding out. Since I first began noticing my feelings, I have kept them secret and they have messed with my head so much that I have ruined many friendships by pushing people away because I didn't know how to understand or even cope with my feelings. Now that I am in college, I want to refrain from repeating my mistakes. I want to be honest with my new friends and be my true self. They would be 100% OK with who I am but I still can't tell them; the words will not come out (no pun intended). So, I am going to keep my silence for now and work on myself. I need to understand myself more and keep taking baby steps to having a healthy relationships. In order to take these step though, I need help. Like I said before, I have no idea what I doing. How do I begin "exploring" when I live in th environment I do and when I am so new to things? How do I take those first step to being free?