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About KMA

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  • Birthday 09/05/1997

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    My interests are very eclectic. I like movies, music, and reading. My favourite book is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, favourite movie is either also Pride and Prejudice (2005 Kiera Knightly version) or Gladiator (Russell Crowe), and my favourite music genres range from classical to hip-hop to classic rock ect. Pretty much anything besides rap (excluding Macklemore if you consider his music to be rap). I like to bake and I enjoy learning about new things.

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  1. I was gladly jamming out to a bunch of Ed Sheeran songs and even some Phil Collins songs, but then my brain rick-rolled me... darn you Rick Astley! lol
  2. Hello Sunshine, If this were a real letter and I had the courage to be honest with you, this is what I would want you to know. You've become such an important person to me since we met in that boring class. There are times when I am tempted to thank God or whomever decided to grace my life by bringing you into it. I told you that I thought I liked you quite some time ago and I respect you enough to not push past that friend line you drew that day. As much as I want to keep on being your friend, I cannot keep hiding my feelings. My feelings for you have grown over time and they often confuse the hell out me. There are moments where I think you just might feel a hint of what I have felt for the past year, but I never push for anything more than what we have now. Sometimes, I can't help but think "She'll never see me like that" or I can't imagine what we would be like as a couple, but that doesn't stop me from trying. It's not like a really "try" to think about that either, but when your name comes up on phone, or I see something that reminds me of you, or when I have a big moment to share and the first person I want to tell is you, my entire being gets caught up in the thought of you. Your smile, your laugh, the way you tilt your head to the side just a bit when you're listening to what I have to say... GAH! I've never had someone make me feel like I do when I think of you. Even when I think of you in the most innocent ways, I am enchanted and my life suddenly feels so much brighter. Although it feels like I am on top of the world when you're around, reality hits me and knocks me back to Earth to realize you don't think of me like that and you probably never will. Sometimes I can bare that thought and think of how lucky I am to just be your friend, but then there's the times when I feel like I just need to talk to you, to tell you everything, to just hold you and kiss you like I've imagined so often. I can't though, so I keep my mouth shut and bask in the bittersweet moments of our friendship instead of risking everything by crossing that line I warn myself about every time. Oh but if I had the courage to tell you all of this in real life, I want to think I would do it. "Always", KMA
  3. @treelover123 First, I absolutely love that you posted this video. I never would have thought of such a way to explain consent to someone. Plus, I was drinking a cup of tea when I saw it lol Second, I actually haven't given too much thought to how I want my next time to be, buti have come up with a few guidelines (idk what else to call them) for myself to follow: 1. don't put myself in that position if I am not 100% sure I want to 2. make sure it is with someone I trust and feel safe with; the good kind of nervous instead of the creepy kind of nervous 3. be clear and vocal about what I am, or am not, comfortable with doing; don't take shit for standing up for myself. They seem a bit ridiculous saying because they are almost like common sense, but when you're not thinking straight, a bit of common sense is exactly what I need. But like I said before, I am in no rush to try anything any time soon, and I am 100% ok with that. I think if I wait for someone who really cares, they will understand me and be patient. I can wait for that. ♡
  4. Hey ladies! A little update since all this happened. I still feel disgusted by this and it occasionally pops into my head, but I am doing so much better with it now. He tried to contact me the other day and I immediately deleted the message and blocked him. I have stopped giving myself such a hard time about my decisions that night and have accepted that it will always be a big mistake of mine, but it is not one that I will let have a hold on my life. I decided to take that memory and use it as a reminder to not be pressured into anything I am not sure I want and it has helped me realize more of what I do want. Thanks for helping me out when I needed someone to hear me. Now, the only direction for me to go is forward.
  5. "I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of any thing than of a book! -- When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library." - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice I absolutely love Pride and Prejudice. It will always bring me joy to read it.
  6. That's What I'll Be by Chester See
  7. So it all started about a year and a half ago. She walked into my cultural diversity class and the moment I saw her, I knew I had to get to know her. My brain would not let it rest, my heart was racing, and my eyes kept looking her way. Who is this girl?! What is it about her that is so interesting? Why am I thinking of her like this? Looking back, I have always been interested in both girls and boys, but ignored what I was feeling, thinking I was only looking at girls because I was jealous of their looks. Until that wonderful day. After that, I couldn't stop thinking of Her. In the beginning, I would just make up excuses to come to school and hoped that I would see her. Then I had a dream. We were alone in a small room and she came behind me and hugged me close and kissed my neck. "Are you ready to tell them?" I didn't realize what she was talking about at the time but in my dream I looked her in the eyes and said "not yet". Then I woke up. I was so confused! Months went by and we became friends. I finally admitted to myself that it was Her I was attracted to. Her alone. She was my realization, my validation. I couldn't get enough. Then I had another dream. Around the same time, I was struggling with accepting myself and keeping it to myself. I was drowning in my secret. One night, I had a dream that felt so real but I knew it couldn't be true. I was alone in the house at the time, but I dreamt that she was sitting across the room and she was talking to me. She told me everything was OK and I should just be myself and not care what people thought. "I know you're scared but you need to live life the way you want instead of hiding away and not being true to yourself. I'm here." Her voice was so soft and it made me feel at ease. I knew it was time. She walked across the room and sat on the side of my bed. Here's the weird part; I felt her touch. I felt the pressure of her body next to me and her hand on my leg. But I knew I was alone in the house. She leaned in close and kissed me like I've thought so much about. Then, I woke up wishing I could goback to sleep and keep dreaming. I knew I couldn't keep it secret any longer. A week or two later, I told one of my closest friends who I knew I could trust and she would accept me. I couldn't tell my family yet. We talked it over and that night, I messaged Her and talked to her about the dream (not every detail but that she was there reassuring me) and I told her I was bisexual and that I liked her. Unfortunately she said she had a girlfriend and they're pretty serious. What did I expect? At least she knew now and she didn't feel uncomfortable with it. We met a few days later and I asked her about how she handled coming out and how I felt about everything. I was nervous, a little bummed, but I was so grateful to have her there to support me even if it wasn't how I imagined (or dreamed). Now, we are becoming closer as friends and we talk almost every day. I still feel so much for her. I don't think that it will change anytime soon either. This week we're meeting and having coffee. I know it will be as friends but hopefully one day we will be so much more. I am enjoying our moments while I can. She has changed my life so much. She's turned myworld upside down and helped me become a better person. l am so much happier than I have ever been and I have gained more self-appreciation and confidence. She's made my coming out of the closet much easier than I could have hoped for. I'm not saying it hasn't been difficult but it is going a lot better than I imagined. I hope everyone is lucky enough as I was to have someone like Her walk into my life. ♡
  8. So glad to hear it went well. Telling my sister was the scariest moment for me. We are best friends and I knew her thoughts on lgbtq+, so that me even more nervous. I'm still working on telling everyone else I feel should know ,but the closest friends and family make it nerve wracking! But nothing is better than having your best friend love you for you!
  9. Yes! Not exactly love letters but letters that are very clear about how I feel. I really enjoy witing out my feelings for someone but I have never actually given the letters to the person. I keep them and maybe one day I can show her and she can understand just how much she means to me. Whenever I find myself daydreaming and wondering about her, I just start writing. I don't really plan anything out to say but I just let my heart control the pen and say how I truly feel. Afterwards, I can look at it and itt makes me feel so relieved, excited, happy, etc. I adore little things like this. ♡
  10. Thank you. I had not really thought of it that way. I will try to see it through your lens as you put it. Maybe then I can stop regretting so much and be proud of what I didn't do like you said. I am so happy that I kept my virginity. That's been on my mind a lot since then and has been one of the things that comforts me. I will definitely use this to learn from and know what to avoid in the future. I do know one thing for sure. I am in no rush at all to try any more exploring. I had everything planned out in my head and I will keep that plan for myself. In the beginning, I had feelings for a friend, and still do, (that same friends mentioned earlier) and wanting to go through everything with her. She is someone who I know is kind and fair, and most importantly, she has been there for me 100% since I came out to her and I trust her whole heartedly. I'll look through these new lenses and focus on this thought; everything bad about that situation would never go wrong with her. She would never do those things to me. Thanks again.
  11. Recently, I came out as bisxual. I told my friend and she was so great about it. But i confessed i had no idea what I was doing or what I want. Being a lesbian herself, she said I should explore to figure things out. That is what helped her. A couple weeks later, I ended up messaging someone from school who was a few years ahead of me but we had mutual friends. It was nice and innocent enough, so we decided to meet up one night to talk after he got off work (it was the best time we could find). Very early into our conversation he asked me if I had lost my virginity and I answered honestly with a "no"; it has always been something I felt proud of being able to say. I felt a little weird about it him asking me so early but I ignored the feeling in my gut. When we met up, we talked for a while and walked around. It was a simple walk in the park at night, looking at the stars and learning about each other. Then, he pushed things further. I told him before that I wasn't that kind of girl but we were in the moment and I've never been in that kind of situation before. We didn't have sex but we did take it pretty far for our first time meeting. After that night, I realised a few things. I know in my gut that he would have pushed me further if I didn't keep stopping him and telling him to wait. Now even his name, the taste of the gum I was chewing that night, the memories of a lot of "firsts" make me feel sick to my stomach and feel a lot of regret. He told me he has slept with a lot of girls before and that he even had a list! I ignored all of these red flags and stayed when I now know that I should have left him right then. It was somethhing new and i wanted to figire out what i wanted. This was the to do it right!? Now I know I was wrong. He knew i was new to everything and nervous and he fed off that. He enjoyed the taking so many of my first-time experiences that I was not sure I was ready to have yet. I feel as if I were his prey. I feel like he used me for another name to add to his list and I don't know how to handle these thoughts. It's been about a month and it still gives me chills (not the good kind, the creepy kind). I've only talked to a couple of people about this and they all said "just block him" or "just find someone else in order to forget him" but I don't want to put myself in that kind of situation again. It has made me seriously think about who I am as a person and what it would mean if I were to use someone else to forget. I would be using someone as I feel I have been used. I don't want that; that's not who I am. I won't talk to him again and I ended things. But I still can't shake what has scarred my memory. He has become the memory that haunts my mind as if to remind myself of just how naive I was and capable of being made felt like a piece of shit that can pressured into things. I don't know what to do.
  12. I am still living at home and attending a community college. And yes, I plan on staying here for a while. I still have a couple of years of school left. I'm not really sure if there's any support groups around but will definitely check it out. As for the friends, I am currently working on building trust, we've just met this past year so the friendship is pretty new. I definitely see your point about really being out and bringing someone else into the closet. Ha, usually I am the one keep another person's secret. It can be tough sometimes and I don't want to put that on someone for now. Like I said before, I think I might work on myself before I tell someone in my life. But while working on myself, I might consider the groups, counseling, and/or the articles. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the input and advice.
  13. I have taken the first step down a long path and I have no idea where I'm going or what to do. I have accepted the fact that I like both men and women. Not only am I stressing over my feelings, I am stressing over the fact that I am completely new to anything and everything "relationship". At the rate I am going, I'll turn out to be the real-life "Never Been Kissed" story, most likely with a much less romantic ending. Now that I have accepted who I am, I want to explore who this new found identity. Here's the catch; I live in a mostly closed-minded family, in a small town in the middle of nowhere with a closed-minded, hypocritical community and I am not going anywhere anytime soon. If the people around me learn about my sexuality, I know I will have a very small circle of loved ones who will support me, but the people who are closest to me are the ones that I worry about finding out. Since I first began noticing my feelings, I have kept them secret and they have messed with my head so much that I have ruined many friendships by pushing people away because I didn't know how to understand or even cope with my feelings. Now that I am in college, I want to refrain from repeating my mistakes. I want to be honest with my new friends and be my true self. They would be 100% OK with who I am but I still can't tell them; the words will not come out (no pun intended). So, I am going to keep my silence for now and work on myself. I need to understand myself more and keep taking baby steps to having a healthy relationships. In order to take these step though, I need help. Like I said before, I have no idea what I doing. How do I begin "exploring" when I live in th environment I do and when I am so new to things? How do I take those first step to being free?