A few years ago,I decided that the best way to explore my sexuality was to find a fwb arrangement...maybe not the best idea.
Met a nice,kind of normal woman,out and proud,(to my,hell no I'm not coming out), who had posted an ad,I answered it,and what ensued was 3 yrs of head games and general fuckery,that took a bit of time to move on from.
I'm a suburban, divorced,professional, who was focused on motherhood but needed and wanted to fill this desire that consumed me,or at least played in the back of my head,most of the time. So, I answered an ad,from a woman who lived close,but not that close, and after a month or so of emailing and texting and me avoiding all personal info about myself,we decided to meet.
Went well,liked her,she liked me,then the sex started.
When people talk about,mind blowing,life altering,8 hour fuck fests...that was us. We had such sexual chemistry it was amazing..just thinking about it, or the anticipation for the weekends when we could see each other,would twist me completely up. We were open and able to talk about everything and anything, also very sexual as I mentioned. I don't think I'd say she was my "type",but it didn't matter as,we weren't going to have a future, we were just fucking. Or so I thought.
So then, all that...let's bang and nothing else... eventually turned into the biggest mind screwing. It became a push and pull and demands for me to change my whole life,move,come out,I love you,I hate you,endless emails and 1000 word texts about how we have to have a life together,she even moved to my town. All of this while she was trying to date someone else(fwb are allowed to date don't forget) and still sexing me up. It was a mess,she wanted me,I wanted her but on my terms. Which to sum it up was....I do not want to put a rainbow sticker on my car. Regardless, I was slowly coming around to changing the things I wanted,but it was such constant drama,always way too much talking,reading into every little emotion or action. It's hell trying to be with another woman!
Eventually,we started to slowly, (me..think snails pace) build a normal,go places,meet my friends,meet your family,meet my kids thing and it was nice,still a ton of pressure from her to get a bull horn and announce it to the world,but we were going forward at least. Or so I thought.
I had bought her a very expensive gift,totally surprised her and I was excited because I was building what I thought would become an actual relationship,although still kind of slow I guess. Now,she had always had the girl I mentioned above,in her hip pocket,it didn't bother me much,or at all because they were friends and so what...everyone has friends.
So a few days later, we were spending time together and I read a text she wrote to another friend about how her other "friend" is her true love and she fucked up her whole life by hanging around to see what would happen with me,etc...needless to say I was slayed. I did and gave everything a person could give,romance,gifts,attention,orgasams,money,time,laughter, memories...all of it. What she gave me I eventually realized. Nothing. None of the above(except orgasms..I did get those). All she gave me were demands, that I move in,and was out. So I walked out the door,that same night, after reading those texts. My body,heart,mind. Right out that door. Yes,there were endless texts and so many emails I'm surprised we didn't crash the email servers. But I was hurt. I was broken up and even though I'm a forgiving person,the betrayl wouldn't and still hasn't gone completely away truthfully.
So present day,we are still friends. She's with hip pocket. They live like sisters now, and have no romantic interests at all. With others or each other. She yearns for a passionate relationship,yes..like the one we had. We have had sex a handful of times when we visit with each other. Can't help it...I've tried not to and I've managed to win that battle maybe 3 times. . Funny thing is,I'm single,so until I find my other half,it's ok. I'm not mentally attached to it like I used to be,which, also kind of sucks because a mental attachment is what fantastic sex is made of. Anyway, she talks about a life with me in the future and has apologized a few times for all of the past. Truth is,we are very different people,and im better now with the betrayl and dishonesty because,the life she lives with someone else now,is not the life I have or ever want. I do however, want to give my heart to someone who just lets me be me and us be us.
That may or may not happen,I don't put myself out there as much as I should or could,but I have a gift of a life and I'm living it to the fullest solo at the moment.
To this day,this part of my life is still not knowledge I've shared with anyone,I went through this huge amount of life altering highs and lows by myself. Smiled alone..definitely cried alone. No one knew it..my friends,family,kids,coworkers. No one. That was one of the hardest part of the experience.