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About zzz_girl

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  1. zzz_girl

    I wish I had a husband

    It is important to reflect on what you have and try to be realistic. I'm not going to tell anyone not to have an affair, but maybe think about the consequences for a good long time before getting involved in that kind of scenario. I had an affair and it was bad for a lot of reasons, but also good in some ways too. At the time, I didn't see any other path forward. Probably sounds ridiculous, but I was very depressed at the time and the affair seemed like a better option than doing something harmful to myself. I felt like I was making the best decisions I could giving my state of mind at the time. Anyhow, I get where you are coming from with this though and I experienced so much pain as a result of that affair. I would definitely recommend against it. The open relationship things aren't always the fix either. I found out the hard way about those too. You are taking risks with your current relationship either way. Just because your are honest and up front about it doesn't mean that it isn't going to cause problems in your marriage.
  2. zzz_girl

    IF you had a do over

    I feel like I still would have married. I just wished that I had screwed around with a lot more people (both guys and gals) before getting married. I wish I had the sexual confidence that I have now as a teenager/young adult. I had no idea how sexy I was back then. I just felt awkward and I assumed that other people didn't find me attractive. I was so wrong about that. I missed out on some good times. I think if I had those experiences up front, then I would have never had an affair. Nothing that can be done about it now.
  3. zzz_girl

    Searching for the "ideal"

    I tried the open relationship thing as well and I came to about the same conclusion. I find it too difficult to manage more than one romantic relationship. I think the relationships suffer because your attention is divided. Someone will feel slighted and also the NRE that you speak of... yeah the new person always seems more interesting when it comes to sex, but they aren't necessarily any better than the long term relationship. Reality just hasn't set in yet for the new relationship and it is a bit of novelty initially. Anyhow, the open relationship thing created huge problems for me that I was not anticipating and I would never try it again.
  4. zzz_girl

    Searching for the "ideal"

    I feel like ideal is unobtainable because no one has the same idea of what is ideal. I have a lot of sexual fantasies that are really unrealistic and generally socially unacceptable, relationship killing kind of stuff. The way those things play out in your head is never how it actually can be. Most of us don't take into account other people and what it is they want in our fantasies. Fantasies are all about what we as individuals want, but in reality we have to deal with relationships and the other people involved in them. I got a bit messed up about a year ago with pursuing a fantasy. I had an affair. Huge mistake, but I learned a lot about myself and relationships with other people. It was a pretty complex situation and I feel like I am still recovering from it, but things are a lot better now than they were for me a year ago. The good thing is I learned that my husband really is the one for me and I appreciate him so much now. I would never do anything to screw this up again. I kind of wish I could stop having the fantasies about other people, but I think that having them just goes along with being human. What I have been trying to work on for myself is just forgiving myself, trying to move on to better future and just accepting that the fantasies will happen, but I don't have to pursue them and I shouldn't. I have a tendency to develop attractions to friends and that makes me feel a little weird. The affair was with a female friend. The fall out from that was so bad. We aren't friends any more. The experience was overall far more negative than positive, so I think about that now and that really keeps me in line when it comes to my friends. For this new year I'm focusing more on what I already have in my life that is good.
  5. zzz_girl

    I know I’m bisexual... maybe.

    Sleeping bisexuality... I like that terminology. I think that's what I had going on and also a long story. LOL. The woman that sort of made me realize I was not straight because I was attracted to her... I actually have never told her that I was into her. Thanks goodness because I still have her as a friend. I never told her because we were sort of just becoming friends at that point and I didn't want to scare her off. The other woman who I confessed my attraction was an old friend and I really thought that telling her wasn't going to result in anything bad because I thought I really knew her. My objective was just to come clean because the thoughts were driving me mad. I honestly wasn't expecting anything to become of it because she led me to think she was straight all those years. I guess my point is, even if you think you know what you are doing, just consider that maybe you don't really. The people you get involved with are the wild cards. Planning is great, but know that people aren't going to just magically conform to your plans.
  6. zzz_girl

    I know I’m bisexual... maybe.

    Not saying those are your only options, but those other ones you speak of aren't typical. Often the spouse thinks they are going to be ok with the open relationship. Theory is different than in practice, keep that in mind. I mentioned we did the open relationship too. Also, you might feel different about it in practice than you thought you would in theory. I experienced all that. Just be prepared that things might go differently than you planned for. Introducing other people into your relationship has a whole lot of unintended consequences. For example, that woman I had the affair with that I was still into... she found out about my open relationship and wanted to get with my husband. OMG, did that ever crush me. My open relationship turned into a soap opera. There was more than even that. Like she eventually got one her friends involved with my husband and then that woman basically almost broke up my marriage because she wanted my husband for herself. You have an open relationship it's not just you that gets to see other people, your spouse does too. It becomes very complicated. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can control everything. Other people get involved and there is no telling what might happen next. Sure, some people do it successfully, but I know why most people don't do it now. You just have to decide what risks you are willing to take and if it is worth it. No one should feel guilty about fantasizing about other people though. I still do that. There's nothing wrong with that. The real world actions you take have consequences and once you go there you can't take it back.
  7. zzz_girl

    I know I’m bisexual... maybe.

    I am so glad this helped. I wish I had this sort of knowledge beforehand. I didn't and I almost messed up my whole life. Well, I did mess up certain aspects of my life. I had known my friend for over 20 years. She was a good friend before and that totally wrecked it. I wish I had a reset button. I really tested my relationship with my husband with all of that. If he can take me back after all of that, then he is the one for me and I appreciate him so much more now. I wouldn't recommend putting your relationship through that sort of test because for many people that results in divorce. We even filed for divorce, but we got back together before it went any where and we cancelled it. He was seeing another woman and he left her to get back with me. I could have lost him to her. I have children with my husband too, so it was more serious than just me and him. That was the single biggest mistake and regret of my whole life. I know the voices. I listened to them and they led me in a bad direction. Blindly following sexual impulses is not good decision making. Reality and sexual fantasies are two different things. Now I try to focus on what is real and good in my life. I still fantasize about other people sometimes, but I keep that info to myself and I know I don't really want that because I know of all the negative experiences that go along with pursuing that now. Also, don't even start with confessing your attraction to a friend, because that is exactly what I did. Well, I came out to her and then I said I was into her because I wanted to get that off my chest. I was under the impression that she was straight though and that she would just console me and nothing would happen. LOL. Well, she was actually bi and attracted to me too. That's how I ended up going down that whole affair rabbit hole. It wasn't planned. Just saying that stuff to people can have consequences that you didn't plan for.
  8. zzz_girl

    I know I’m bisexual... maybe.

    Something else... being known as a bisexual and a cheater sucks because then it makes all of your relationships suspicious. Something I never considered. I didn't consider much. If you are just lesbian, then your relationships with guys are not suspicious. If you are just straight, then your relationships with women are not suspicious. I'm kind of limited to hanging out with people who are married now. Single people of any gender, now those relationships are the most suspicious. I can't hang out with those people unless my husband is there too now. Even with the married people, still a tiny bit suspicious... because who knows if they are willing to cheat on their spouse. Anyhow, I have to be very careful with friends now. Sucks.
  9. zzz_girl

    I know I’m bisexual... maybe.

    This is basically how I manage those feelings too. I made the mistake of having an affair, so I got to experience all the pain that brings. I'm still dealing with it over a year later. It was brutal. It's enough to keep me in line for the rest of my life. I had no concept of what an emotional toll that would have. It's hard to express. At the time, you just want the sex and you go for it impulsively, but it makes you fucked in the head for a long time after. I've been thinking about this just recently. For a long time I didn't talk about sex with anyone because I didn't want to let on how weird I was. I didn't want to admit to myself and other people I was bi, so I closed myself off to people. I realized I wasn't all that close to my friends because of that. I'm working on that. Now I've decided it's ok to talk about sex in general to say I'm bi, to say I had a sexual relationship with someone, that kind of thing, and then talk about my feelings surrounding the relationship. I feel like the line I shouldn't cross is getting into any great detail about my sexual encounters and I shouldn't discuss sexual fantasies with friends. Anything that if I wrote it down might sound a bit erotic or like sexting. I say I can't go there with anyone else other than my husband. I'm kind of worried about that because people know I cheated. I don't want to give the impression that I'm up for that again. Mess up relationships all over again. It is difficult. I kind of suck with boundaries. I mean, I think with some people I could get into more detail without any one of us getting all horny about it, but seems like that is too much of a risk. I can't really know for sure. Wondering if other people have set similar boundaries.
  10. zzz_girl

    I know I’m bisexual... maybe.

    I have been married to my husband for 16 years now. I did not realize I was bisexual until about a year ago. I wasn't conscious of it. I should have known, but I tried to deny it back when I was teenager. Not good. That messed me up later on, like last year. I was a lot screwed up last year. I had the dreams and the feelings about women like you. For a bit I thought maybe I was a lesbian. I had an affair with a female friend, tried the open relationship thing (huge failure), and then my husband and I split up for a few months and I had some sexual relationships with other men. What I learned was that I really am bisexual. For me, it is more about the person and less about the gender. I have equal appreciation and attraction to men and women. I'm pretty secure in my sexual identity now. That's good at least. I also figured out that I want to be in a monogamous relationship with my husband. There are so many people in this world that I am attracted to, and sure sex with them would be fun for a little while, but most of those relationships go no where. I've got kind of a high sex drive. I have to have sex every day or I just go crazy. Being separated it was like I spent the whole week trying to find people just to get sex at least once a week. That sucked. I don't really like getting with a different person all the time. I got sick of that pretty fast. I really wanted someone that I could be close with, someone I could spend most of my time with, someone who was always going to be there for me, someone who was fun to be with, someone I could have sex with like every day (LOL). I wanted a real relationship. It didn't matter if it was a man or woman. This person didn't need to be the sexiest person alive (LOL). They just need to get me. I already had that with my husband and I realized the relationship I had with him was the most valuable thing I could ever have. I was lucky that he wanted to get back together with me too. Now I have to work to prove I'm trustworthy all over again because I cheated though. Never again. I already went through all that. What I tell myself now is it is ok to be attracted to other people, but I can't act on that and throw away my awesome relationship with my husband. It is hard because I would like to screw a whole bunch of other people if there were absolutely no consequences, but in the world that we live in there are consequences for that. You either can have one awesome, deep relationship that lasts a lifetime or you can spend your whole life trying to hook up with people and being sexually frustrated because good hook ups get harder to come by as you get older plus hook ups are not mentally and emotionally satisfying. I also really messed stuff up by having sex with my friend. I fell for her. She just wanted to hook up. I was really hurt. We tried to be friends. She did a bunch of other messed up stuff. I felt like I couldn't be emotionally close with her any more because she hurt me so much, yet I still wanted to have sex with her. It was a disaster. We basically aren't friends anymore. We have common friends though and that creates a lot of weirdness that I'm going to have to put with for the rest of my life. Anyhow, my point is, don't act on your sexual feelings right away. Think long and hard about the consequences and realize that what seems like you might want right now might not actually be what you want in the end. Women are attractive, but they can hurt you just like any man can. I think women probably can hurt you worse mentally and emotionally. I thought I knew my friend. I did not. Consider that what you think you know might not be the whole story. If you have a solid relationship with someone who gives you most of what you need, then I would say keep that relationship. Don't expect that you will be able to trade up.
  11. I feel like that is mostly true about the options. The open marriage concept works for very few people and there are lots of complications. Getting other people involved just creates more problems than it solves in my experience. You can cheat, but that might also lead to divorce. Really the options are be monogamous or get a divorce or take your chances with non-monogamous relationships that more often than not eventually lead to divorce. It's not all bad though, but you just have to figure out what is most important to you.
  12. zzz_girl

    Happily married - but totally curious!

    I was afraid to tell my husband as well, but keeping the secret is bad for your marriage. You should say something. It will make you feel better. Mostly likely your husband would rather know what is going on with you. If he cares about you he wants to help.
  13. Exactly my experience too. I learned a lot from it. Was my only sexual experience with a woman. I couldn't have gone forward in life without doing that at the time, but it sucks I lost a friend. Just seems like that was meant to be unfortunately.
  14. I prefer to regret what was done instead of what could have been as well. Didn't turn out well though. No way I could have known. Something to consider.
  15. Yeah, I spoiled a friendship of over 20 years with sex. I honestly thought it wouldn't turn out the way it did. I would never do that again.