Clo123

Silver Shy-Bi Girl
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About Clo123

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  1. This all gives me serious anxiety!!! Lol!!!!!!! And she's totally oblivious that I'm seeking online advice on this stuff!! She prob isn't giving it a second thought!!!!!! yes it's my turn to step up because I've NEVER been the one to initiate the physical affection or even verbal when together. I'm really good at saying stuff by text though but in person my PHOBIA of rejection gets in the way!!! imagine this is all in my head and I'm misreading the entire thing?????????
  2. Lol!!!!! Salad in teeth vs wants to kiss - important to differentiate for sure! And yeah there's some flirting happening I think? The kiss comment ? And other stuff like her stepping into my office to blow me a kiss, then laugh and walk out. Can you guys see how I may be starting to question my sanity?????
  3. Love this and will steal some of it! Not sure I have the guts to do the whole sequence though! Lol!!! im going to do the whisper thing. Problem is we are never alone when drinking and I don't have the guts when I'm sober!!! My main inhibiting factor is my serious fear I'm taking things wrong. And will humiliate myself! And lose her. :-(((((( i will give more direct signs going forward. Usually when she says stuff or does stuff I'm so nervous I am paralyzed so I ignore it but maybe should take those chances.
  4. Lol this made me laugh and yes I'm totally ready for that! But terrified to ruin my friendship as I would be DEVASTATED to lose her plus we are colleagues!!!! juat last night I was talking to my husband and he basically told me same thing... I'm living in limbo and it's not going to get easier. There is no "space"! I realized that I have to start to be a bit more bold. This week when we were walking, I didn't feel well (had woke up with nausea, headache). She jokingly said "I'll still hang out with you I just won't kiss you tonight"! I literally ignored it, kept talking. I mean - that is not a normal thing to say to a friend!!!!! I think I need to start feeling things out a bit! I cannot tell her how I feel at least directly!!!! But maybe i need to come up with a few "bait" conversation topics. Maybe starting to hint that I'm open to kissing a girl... I don't know!!!! I really need advice because I don't want to say the wrong thing!! regarding kissing her - I would need booze! As I mentioned before, when out when night she did kiss me - twice. Two separate nights. Just a peck, but still. We were dancing and she out of the blue just kissed me on the lips. I kept dancing lol and ignored it. I want her to do it again because now I know what I would do. I'd do the same thing back. And I've never wanted to kiss my other friends!!! My husband thinks she gives pretty clear signs to feel things out but that I give more mixed signals and maybe he's right. She may think that she's testing the waters and I've given no indication of my feelings. Im nervous and don't want to humiliate myself or ruin what we have. In next four weeks we have five social events together. Three will have alcohol. Tell me what to say or do!! Not too bold though so that I could deny it if it blew up!
  5. Hi and thanks for the response! I actually pulled away from this site over the past week to try to clear my head as I feel sometimes like I am literally going CRAZY! so while she was away , she texted me almost daily. Nothing crazy, mostly just updates and miss you/love you/wish you were here. When she got back she wanted to see me so we spent day together on Monday. Had lunch out , lingered for hours. Started out almost "awkward", very platonic. During lunch we definitely warmed up and got more affectionate, longer eye contact, that "feeking" I know you all know!!! It's connection, or chemistry, or something that I can literally feel in the air. I feel like I'm pretty perceptive and part of me thinks if I'm misreading these feelings I must be crazy! But then part of me really doubts it still. She did comment how her husband calls me her girlfriend again. We almost have like a nervous flirty way together. I've been with her every day this week at work and we've spent a lot of time together. There's a lot of verbal affection - I love you, I missed you etc. She told me she's never been as close to anyone as she is to me. We continue to walk alone together multiple times, kind of "sneaking" so we don't have to ask colleagues. We eat alone in her office. Lots of making plans, etc. When leaving work last night. I commented we won't see each other for four days and she said I know that sucks! Then asked if I want to get together to run Saturday. Then more texting last night. Today not much and of course I get insecure and use it to think "see? It was in my head!" you are so right though - NO I would never ever think to hold hands with other friends and a lot of the other things are just not normal!
  6. We've jokingly used that term for a long time . We just laugh about it
  7. And I def don't think she's homophobic. I'm more comfortable with my sexuality and sex in general , I always have been . There is the possibility though that she may be to conservative? Not sure.
  8. I guess maybe not typical? And no I am definitely NOT intimate with other friends. Today we did the same thing again. Without directly saying it to each other it seems like we try to get time alone.
  9. See it's after day like today when I start to think I've taken things wrong from her. We worked together all day and talked a lot but it was all small talk, very platonic lol. We did eat alone in her office with door closed and we did take two walks alone without other staff. We were a bit touchy when telling stories etc. It seems like we try to find time to be alone. It does feel like an elephant in the room. Last week the verbal affection and attention was at such an intense level and this week - just total basic friendship stuff on a rational level I know that this is the anxiety talking , and I know that everything that has been said and done doesn't just cancel out because of one busy distracted day at work. i am being needy (hiding it) but driving myself crazy overthinking. Sorry guys, I know this post is dragging on!
  10. This does sound extremely difficult . I have a really hard time when people behave inconsistently... I feel for you!
  11. Thank you everyone for all of the thoughtful responses. Last night I felt like a huge weight was off my chest. It helped me so much to talk about it. I've been carrying this for a long time, and the only one I've talked to about it is my husband. And obviously I cannot tell him everything. He was actually the one that pointed out that I have feelings for her , far before I could ever admit it to myself. a few weeks ago I actually started seeing a counsellor to help me work through my anxiety. How ever, I cannot bring myself to tell her what is obviously really going on. Anyways this website is so helpful and all of you are too. No judgement and I feel understood here. I think my biggest challenge is going to be to control my anxiety. I read into things too much (always been a flaw of mine) and to control my insecurity. For example, at work today already worrying she isn't talking to me as much. We used to have a lot of privacy at work but recently others have moved into our area and I am missing all of our one on one time! I do have a tendency to get jealous,'and I worry that she will become closer with others from work and forget about me. Obviously irrational and some deep rooted issues here lol. She is leaving later this week for vacation for 8 days and I'm interested to see how the space and distance will impact things. I think the best approach with her is to move slowly and let it progress naturally. Things have moved slowly in some ways with us and I think it's better that way because it has really allowed us to build some good trust and for me to really process my feelings at each stage. The key I think is that things always do progress. We get more affectionate, we spend more time together, we discuss more private/deeper things.
  12. That's what I think. Sometimes her distance follows after a period of time when we are exceptionally close. Sometimes I wonder if she feels confused and pulls away to think about things. Either way, it really causes me to be insecure. Especially at work, because we are right beside each other and there is literally no option for taking "real" space. Thanks so much for your advice. She tells me I'm special to her, and that she likes to be special to me, and I know there's something. this is why I can't risk screwing up our friendship. I love her too much to lose her.
  13. I agree, even when we hold hands when we are drinking and out we always lace our fingers and rub thumbs etc. There's been so many little things that aren't typical of a "normal" friendship. I could name so many! I do consider her a gift. We ALWAYS talk about the affection. Attraction - not yet. Really not sure how to do it. I know a lot about her past experiences. No same sex relationships as far as I know. We have talked about our affection and I've asked her if she has been affectionate with other friends, she says she's held hands with a few friends when drinking and quick pecks here and there joking etc. But I knew after our double date night that it was different, holding hands like that in the back of the car with husbands in front just isn't "normal". She also told me she shows me more love and affection than anyone including her husband.
  14. My biggest fear is that I am interpreting things wrong. Like I said, she is affectionate by nature but I know for a fact she doesn't act like this with any other friends. and regarding the texting, yes I find myself frequently insecure because of delayed text responses or texts that are simple or brief. Today for example , we have texted about 30-40 texts but she's been less engaged in it... brief messages about what's she's doing, etc. No affection etc. She's prob busy but my mind starts to think negative thoughts because of it. It's crazy! Texting can add so much confusion! I mentioned earlier that she can be a bit distant sometimes. I've noticed that we will be crazy close for a week or two, then all of a sudden she gets a bit distant, impersonal and not affectionate. When that happens I get super insecure. So I pull away because I'm obviously insecure! Then she tries to get close again (texting she loves and misses me etc) this does all seem obvious from an outside perspective but when I'm in the midst of it, I'm so scared that I'm taking things wrong and if she knew how I felt she'd reject me!
  15. I'm so happy to be getting replies you guys! I have been sick over this. I'm a over thinker to begin with and don't let myself open up to people very easily. Yes I have tremendous anxiety over it. Im terrified of rejection because I feel I have let her in like no one else. She is affectionate by nature and so I doubt and am constantly talking myself out of the possibility she has the same feelings I do. She feels like home to me. I can't explain it. Yes emotional intimacy with her is so fulfilling! We've been having more conversations about our bond "sober", we started running every week and walking on lunch three times weekly. We will discuss our bond, and our connection and our best friendship. But haven't had the nerve to take it to the next level. My husband has a very good idea of what's happening. He's ok with it but I still feel conflicted. Before anything more happens, I will have a big talk with him. I was happy to hear her husband calls me that because I know that he must be aware of something, some feelings or something she has. Because I have many close friends but never has my husband called them my girlfriend lol. I thought it was a good sign too when she said that if one of us was a man it would be an affair. Because that shows me she has different feelings than usual friendship. I have close friends and despite talking daily I've never even remotely associated it with an affair Also, I've never gone on a double date and held hands secretly in the back seat with the wife. To me that was big. We did not talk directly about it though, just joked that we are affectionate.