crushing

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  1. Hi all! Another sad day for me with this friendship. Today I have officially confirmed that this friendship is over! She does not want to have any further contact with me beyond what we have to do at work. I asked to meet with her for coffee or even talk on the phone about it to clear the air, but she wholeheartedly refused. I know for sure now that she had absolutely zero romantic interest in me. Obviously from how she's treated me lately she also didn't invest in our friendship at all. She's been downright mean about it all. She told me that she can't be friends with somebody she can't trust. I don't get it. I really thought that I knew her better than that. It is so disappointing to see people's true colors sometimes. Is it common among lesbians to be so defensive when somebody expresses interest in them? In my experiences with men in this regard they are much kinder and feel flattered, not threatened. Her reactions have been extreme and hurtful. Losing her friendship is tough, but she wasn't the kind person that I thought she was. She is filled with anger and I'm terribly saddened by it. How could I have been so blinded by her? And now that I know the truth about her, why am I still sad? Please send me your thoughts and advice on how to move on and get past this world of hurt I'm in.
  2. Thank you all for sharing your similar experiences and advice! @Ona where can I find your thread (friend crush)? I've looked around the site for it and couldn't find it. I guess that falling in love doesn't allow you to think with a clear head and makes you obsessed with the person. It's so hard to move on, especially when I have to see her almost every day that I work. But she has been treating me very coldly lately so I don't even want to see her anymore. I am hurt by her actions every time. @Mandolin thank you for your kind words and compliments! The rose colored glasses are definitely off now. There is a very irrational and angry person that I hadn't seen before within her. I don't really understand why she's behaving this way towards me, but it's definitely not making me want to be around her. I'm sad that she doesn't feel comfortable being honest and talking to me about what's going on in her head. Fortunately, I am making progress with my therapy sessions. She's helping me come to terms with my crush's actions. She feels that she is behaving this way because she probably actually has feelings for me, but can't cope with them in her life right now. It's all just too complicated for her to handle and therefore she's just decided to run away from it and build this wall to protect herself from it. She feels that she's probably really scared and unskilled in handling this type of situation. She said that the fact that she's overreacting to it shows that there are feelings involved. Otherwise, she would not be making such a big deal of it. There is more to it than she's willing to admit. I just wish that she had the courage to be honest with me because this behavior is very hurtful to me. I told my therapist that her behavior makes me feel like she is totally disgusted and put off by me which is why she is cold and distant. Even though she had reciprocated on the dance floor and other times, it's just gotten too real and scary for her now. I plan to confront her again some time soon about our friendship if she's willing to talk. I have written something that I will text to her when the time is right. I need to clear the air again with her and make the workplace more bearable. Right now, I feel like she dreads any interaction with me and I'm starting to feel the same way about it since she's been acting like a real jerk to me. I hope that a candid conversation about our friendship will help make things better if she's open to it. I am so confused and hurt by her recent behaviors. @softfruit yup, I'm definitely seeing more of the bad bits now. But for some reason, I still long to be with her because I still remember all the great things about her. She is just so angry right now and I'm not sure why. I am moving out of wanting to be in a romantic relationship with her because she obviously has a lot more issues than I was aware of, but I still want to be her friend. I miss hanging out with her and texting with her for hours. I felt like I knew her so well, but apparently I didn't. I can feel that we are both in a world of hurt right now. She is showing up to work with her eyes all puffy from crying the night before as am I. But I'm not experiencing the anger that she's going through, I'm just super sad about the situation. If she were to apologize to me for her behavior and explain herself, I know I would forgive her. However, I would need her to stop acting this way if we are to continue our friendship. I love her, but I will not allow a friend to treat me this way. I have given her a lot of slack lately due to the situation, but that will stop soon. I just wish she would be honest with me and come to terms with her feelings.
  3. So I think that my friendship with my crush is damaged beyond repair. I feel like she wants me out of her life completely. If we didn't work together she probably would have severed all ties. I have tried to reach out to her several times since our conversation and she either ignores my texts or politely declines all invites. She seems angry and frustrated all the time now. I have also given her plenty of space. Maybe I didn't really know her as well as I thought and now I get to see her true colors. If this is who she truly is then I don't want to be with her anyway. She has turned into a real jerk lately. I feel devastated to have lost the close friendship that we had. I don't know what I should do to try to mend it or at least make things less awkward. It's been such a roller coaster ride for me! I thought that my candid conversation with her went so smoothly. I felt that our friendship would remain unscathed. After all, why would anybody hate somebody that loves them? I understand not loving them back, but the anger and rejection I have been feeling from her has been tough. How could I have been so wrong about her as a person? Did I create this amazing person in my mind that doesn't exist? Or is she just so confused and scared by it all that she has turned ugly on me to create more distance between us? I'm thinking that I'll give her another week or 2 of space and then confront her about our friendship. I want to know if she doesn't want to continue this friendship then I'll quit trying to mend it. It has become super painful for me to deal with. Any words of advice, wisdom or encouragement would be great! Ugh, men are so much easier to figure out than women!! Women, we are such complex beings! Darn it, why did I have to grow feelings for her other than friendship?!? I am going to need lots of time to recover from this wounded heart. Life can really suck sometimes!!
  4. Hi, I agree that we are in similar situations, but at the same time on opposite sides. However, I feel that I have been more honest and open with my crush than your friend has been with you. It's possible that these feelings are scaring your friend and she just doesn't know how to act. My opinion, there's an obvious mutual attraction between the 2 of you that she's not ready to face, but working together doesn't help people move on and creates a lot of awkwardness. Trust me, I'm a testament to that! My crush seems to be less angry/irritated at me lately, but is still strongly pulling away. Losing her friendship and the closeness that we shared as friends is the hardest thing for me to accept right now. I am still deeply grieving this loss, but yesterday I decided to return to therapy to make positive forward movement in my life and get my head back on right. It was soooo helpful to express my feelings and get feedback. Deep down I feel that my crush does have feelings for me as well, but she's unwilling to admit it. When I think back about all our text conversations, face to face conversations, moments of physical and emotional closeness/bonding and what culminated to the ultimate last moments of our closeness on New Years Eve, there is NO way that she didn't have some feelings for me. I am not making this up in my mind. The way things moved on that dance floor that night is not something that would happen if there was no mutual attraction or feelings. Not to mention all the other prior incidents of physical and emotional closeness that we shared. I really felt that she played dumb that night when I expressed my feelings towards her and how I felt that she was reciprocating at times. I'm sorry, but I think that there were too many signs/signals to ignore and women are much more open and receptive to those instincts than men are. Men can definitely be clueless about these things, but women tend to be more in tune. So I really believe that she wasn't as clueless as she claims. Besides, I feel that even though she enjoyed those moves on the dance floor, she just got really scared when that physical closeness actually was taken several notches up. She backed out because she didn't know what else to do. Also, when I apologized to her multiple times for my behavior she kept saying everything was fine, but I know that it wasn't. Last time I apologized she asked if I was referring to dancing with that guy. That was my biggest mistake and I told her that. I explained that since she was sending me mixed signals and I felt rejected by her at times throughout the night, I felt the desire to feel attractive and wanted by somebody. This guy gave me that at that moment when I needed it, but I had no idea that she was watching me. I had no intention of hurting her with that, but rather I was looking to stroke my ego back into confidence. I know that probably hurt her feelings. Why else would she bring him up several days later? Also, why did she send our friend to rescue me from him? I think she felt awkward to approach us so she decided to send somebody else to stop it from happening. Then when I stepped away from him she gave me a very disapproving look and then questioned if I was enjoying it. I definitely didn't feel indifference on her behalf, but rather upset/disappointment. My therapist last night believes that she may be distancing from me because she's very scared and not ready for a relationship. She feels that running away from a situation is typical behavior from somebody that is scared. Even though I haven't given her all the details about our relationship, she felt that there are feelings on my crush's behalf that she is not ready to face. Regardless of what happens next, I am moving into a better place with all of this. Maybe, she'll eventually lose the fear that is stopping her from something that could be wonderful for her. Maybe she will always remain distant now or maybe she'll get over it and move forward as friends. Whatever ends up happening, I am proud of the fact that I could face my fear of rejection and be honest with myself and her about my raw feelings. I know that she may not appreciate it at the moment, but eventually she will realize that it took a lot of courage and strength to confront my feelings about her and hopefully she'll admire my honesty and fearless attitude. In the meantime, I will do my best to move forward with my life, find some peace and try to mend our friendship. I hope that you are able to mend things as well and find peace with it all. It's easier said than done, but all the more power to us if we can overcome this.
  5. I've had some super hard days of grief and sadness. Lately, she seems angry or irritated at me. She's acting very dismissive in all of my interactions with her. I don't think our friendship will survive these times and that makes me even sadder. I'm not sure why she's treating me this way. I know that she's been very stressed at work lately, but she never used to take it out on me. She would just vent to me about it. I feel like she just wants me out of her life all together. This surprises me because she was so graceful and kind towards me when I told her my feelings. And she's always been good and kind to me. This is not a side of her that I'm used to seeing. I feel so hurt by her actions, but maybe I'm just being sensitive. Or maybe I just didn't know her as well as I thought. I texted her and asked her if she wanted to go for a hike this weekend and she said no because she's tired and had lots of work stuff to do. I invited her for the hike because she told me that she would like to continue that, therefore I didn't feel like I was overstepping boundaries. As hard as it will be for me, I really feel like I'm going to have to step away from her completely. I'm really bummed that we are losing our friendship. I feel it slipping through my fingers. Anybody have any idea why she would be feeling anger towards me? I have been nothing but good, kind and generous towards her. If this is who she truly is, then maybe it's best that she's not in my life. Ugh!!! I wish things would be smoother for us and not so awkward. I was hopeful after I talked to her that things would be ok. But they are not and I wish I could reverse everything I did and said to her. The damage is now done and all I can do is try to mend this broken friendship or move on. I have been chatting with some guys from this online dating site to help get my mind and heart off of her. It helps at times, but I keep reverting back to her in my thoughts. This is going to take time and lots of strength to push forward. Boy, do I hurt!! I've been crying on and off every day since New Year's. What a shitty way to start the year with a broken heart and the loss of a very close friend! Do you think that she'll eventually get over this awkwardness and anger and accept me in her life again? Please send me your thoughts and advice on this. Thank you!
  6. Yup, I have moments of utter sadness, especially in the mornings and evenings when I'm not distracted by work. If work is busy, my mind is occupied and I forget about my sadness. Although being at work is hard because I see her there and it's a constant reminder of the rejection. We work in different departments, but we work together quite often. It has been awkward ever since our frank conversation, but I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I think she is trying to maintain distance. I wish things could go back to how they were. I'm hoping that our friendship can survive this, but only time will tell. So far, it seems that she is respecting my request to keep this secret between us. I'm glad for that at least since I don't want my job jeopardized because of this. I believe that she wouldn't do that to me. I hope! Anyway, I am trying to move forward for my own well being. I have joined a couple of dating sites and am trying to find other activities to meet new friends. Although, at times I feel like I can't be excited about anybody else. I'll need time to resolve this in my heart and mind, but I'm hoping to be able to move on. My glimmer of hope of any future romance with her is dissipating. I know that I just need to move on. It will be hard for a while, but I'll need to carry on and be strong. And maybe one day we can be close friends again without any weird feelings or hang ups.
  7. I guess that I'm hanging on to a little glimmer of hope for self preservation purposes. It is hard to accept that somebody doesn't have the same feelings towards you. I am grieving right now. It will probably take me a while to get over this, but I am trying to move on as best I can. Moments of sadness hit me suddenly at times. I just cry my eyes out and hug my pets until I feel a little better. My problem is that I love pretty intensely so it's a bit harder for me to move forward. Any helpful advice or thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.
  8. Hi! I have an important update to add. I finally got up the courage to talk to her last night! Phew! It wasn't necessarily the outcome that I wanted, but it felt good to tell her my feelings finally. And as scary as it was, I felt comfortable talking to her about it. It was somewhat of a relief actually. Anyway, she was very gracious about it all. She took the time to hear me out. She told me that she's not ready to be with anybody right now due to the fact that she's still struggling with her recent heartbreak. She claims that she had NO idea that I felt that way and thanked me for letting her know. She knows how hard that can be to do. I told her that I can be pretty courageous sometimes, with or without alcohol. Haha! I am still sad about the outcome, but I'm glad I talked to her. Our friendship may be salvageable after all, I hope! And I guess that I still have a glimmer of hope that she may change her mind later on or after she thinks it through more. The fact that she didn't say that she didn't think of me that way or only saw me as a friend or that she wasn't attracted to me, made me feel that she left it kinda open to future possibilities. I should've asked her if she felt anything towards me or if she would consider me when she was ready, but I think I was afraid to hear that answer and wanted to hang onto something to avoid feeling completely crushed. I may ask her another time about it. I do think that I caught her off guard. She listened very intently to everything I said. I started out by asking her if I could talk to her about something. She said sure and so I proceeded to tell her that I felt that after the NYE incidents our friendship has been damaged. I noticed that she's distanced herself from me. I told her that I know you said everything is fine, but I don't feel it is. I regret what happened that night. First thing she said was, "What do you mean? Which part? Was it when you were dancing with that guy?" I said, "Yes! That and several other things that happened." I asked if I could sit down because I had a lot of explaining to do. I told her that the tequila made me brave and I felt like I crossed the line with her several times that night. It felt reciprocated at times and other times you were trying to get away from me. I told her that I didn't really regret crossing that line with her except that I felt some rejection from her and I should've respected her wishes, but I kept trying to get close to her. Then this guy started dancing with me and I had no idea she was watching. I guess I just felt the need to feel attractive and desirable by somebody after feeling rejected by you. So I made a big mistake because I was drunk and danced with him. She acted like she understood my reasoning. I told her that I have always identified as straight and when I started developing feelings for her several months ago I was very confused and I needed to wrap my head around it. But I have come to terms with my feelings now and accept them. As our friendship grew my feelings for her were growing and I couldn't understand it. I've learned that my feelings are based on something deeper and a connection to somebody and that gender didn't play a role in it this time. I explained that I had never felt this way towards a woman. And of course, our situation is complex in so many ways. She's trying to recover from a broken heart, we are close friends, my sexual identity is in question AND we work together. Recipe for disaster, quite possibly?!? However, I told her that I felt the need to be honest with her about my feelings since as far as she knew I was straight. Also, I told her that besides that night I felt that we had gotten close a few times and it felt like she was reciprocating. She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that our friendship was very important to me and I hoped that we could continue to be close friends. She said that she enjoys going on hikes with me and would like to continue doing so. I told her that I would like that as well. I don't know, I think our friendship dynamics will change and she'll probably be a little more distant but only time will tell. I hope she can turn this into a good thing and not affect us adversely. I told her that I hope she doesn't think of me as a creeper or that this will make her uncomfortable towards me. She said that is not the case. I will feel even sadder if she turns a cold shoulder or chooses to not be friends anymore. Somehow I don't think she's being completely honest with me. I feel that she may be attracted to me but doesn't want me to know. I feel that dancing with that guy that night must've hurt her feelings because she brought it up right away. If it didn't affect her in any way she wouldn't have said anything about him. And why was she watching me dance with him anyway? I believe that she's still very heartbroken by her ex and not ready for anybody, but why is she trying to do online dating? There's still a lot of unanswered questions in my head and she got all her answers because I was as clear as day with her. So now the ball is in her court if she wants to act on it. I doubt she will. How did she not know how I felt about her, especially after NYE night? She claims that she thought that I didn't mean any of those advances because I had all that tequila. And I did tell her the next day that I regretted my actions the night before. I explained to her last night that I regretted some, but not all of my actions (mainly my biggest regret was dancing with that guy). We'll see how things work themselves out after my candid conversation with her. After we cleared the air, we started talking about other things. She started to talk to me about work a lot. I think she was just nervous rambling on, but at the same time trying to create some normalcy again between us. Then we talked about our families and how much we miss being near them and about our pets. I was at her place for a good hour and a half chatting with her. It felt really nice to be so straightforward with her and the fact that she didn't freak out with my revelation to her. So as I was leaving I hugged her goodbye and thanked her for being so understanding. She gave me a good embrace in return that felt genuine and good. I don't feel like I creeped her out at all. Any thoughts or advice about this interaction between us? Am I crazy to think that there may be a slight chance for something still between us? Or do I need to let it go completely before I line myself up for more disappointment and grief? Should I talk to her further about this or will that make her run in the other direction? Life and love is so complicated and sad sometimes. Thanks for reading my novels and responding with supportive and good advice! Don't know how I could've done this last night without your support!
  9. Thank you all for giving me a shred of hope! All your advice and support has been super helpful. I have nobody else that I can talk to about this. All my friends and family think I'm straight and it would just be too hard to talk to them about this situation. Although, I know that everybody in my life would be supportive, I don't want to go there with them right now. She's back in town tonight. I will be dropping by her house after work to return her dog and I'm planning to talk to her then. I can't keep feeling this way without some sort of resolution or closure. She may not want to talk, but I will make the conversation happen one way or another. A part of me feels that there was some spark between us that now she's trying to shut off. I had asked her on New Year's Day after I apologized profusely via text to please tell me what offended her. She said that nothing I did offended her. I feel that if she was truly not attracted to me she wouldn't have let me get that close to her. And she would've been offended by my advances I would think. I will tell her that there's an obvious elephant in the room and we need to talk about it. I am the type of person to confront things head on no matter how hard it may be. I will be very clear with her and make sure she understands. Wish me luck! I have been so upset and sad about this. It's making me realize even more how much I care about her. My world feels shattered and I'm grieving very deeply right now. It's not just the loss of a possible romantic relationship that's getting to me, but also the loss of a close friend. She is the closest friend I have in NM. If things don't work themselves out tonight, I will really miss having her in my life. I'm worried that she'll think I'm some sort of creeper now. I don't want to come across as desperate or creepy. But I'm going to be honest with her about how my feelings have developed over time for her and how it felt at times that it was reciprocated. This is not the first time I have fallen in love so hard for somebody, but it is the first time with a woman. I've come to realize that it's the person and their soul that I fall in love with, not the gender or physical attributes. It is who they are as a human being. But every time it's just as painful! You would think that it would get easier with time and experience, but it doesn't. The first person I fell in love with this hard was my boss and it took me years to tell him. We constantly flirted, but he was married, much older than me and my boss. That was a complicated one, but when I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I felt he rejected me. It felt awful. But then he confessed to me a couple of years later that he felt the same way towards me. He called me a gutsy lady. So I know that I have it in me. That gutsy lady needs to come out tonight, even if she gets crushed again! Thank you again for all your support! You guys are awesome!
  10. I am soooo sad tonight. I've had a few good cries. I feel like my crush is distancing herself from me. I think she knows that I am into her, but she probably doesn't feel the same. And now, I'm probably going to end up losing her friendship as well which makes me even sadder. She is on vacation right now visiting her family. And I'm pet sitting for her. So I haven't been able to talk to her about my feelings at all. I wanted to have that conversation in person while we were alone together. Anyway, I feel that since the New Years Eve incidents she is pulling away. Normally, she would respond to my texts within seconds or minutes. But now she takes hours or days to respond. Also, we had a potential trip planned to go skiing together in February as well as we had tickets to see a show together. She just cancelled both of those events because she claims that she forgot that she had another trip planned that same weekend. She said she feels awful about it, but I feel like she is now making excuses not to hang out together and do things. Maybe I'm wrong and she's being honest with me, but my instinct tells me that this is over. I wish I were wrong. I'm so confused and heartbroken. I felt many times that she liked me romantically because of many mixed signals that she sent me. Maybe I misread them, maybe I didn't and she's just scared and not ready for a relationship. Besides that NYE night we had gotten physically close to one another a few times when hanging out. On the sofa one night while we were talking we sat so close to each other that our bodies were touching, thighs, hips, arms and she never tried to move away from me. I felt like she enjoyed it. Why else would she have stayed in that position for what felt like hours without any sense of discomfort or repulsion? I know that if I didn't feel attracted to somebody I would move away quickly which she didn't do on multiple occasions. We've had several moments like this. However, NYE was the closest we had ever gotten physically. I think I need to let go of my feelings for her before I feel even more crushed, defeated and rejected. Well, I feel like I got my answer without having to talk to her. She probably wanted to save me my dignity. It's definitely not the answer I wanted, but I'm pretty clear now that she doesn't want this to go any further. This has been a rough ride, even though it's been fun until now. I am notorious for finding the emotionally unavailable whether it is a man or now a woman. I'm forming an obvious pattern which always leads to disappointment and rejection. Why do I do this to myself? I need to find somebody that will love me as much as I love them. Any advice, thoughts or feelings on this situation with my crush? I need help to move on and not be so heartbroken.
  11. Thank you for your response and advice. I was afraid that everything you mentioned above would be the case. I know that I'll need to act on this quickly before I lose the opportunity all together. She has been on some dating apps lately and is looking to meet somebody. I need to be bold and straight forward. Do you think that if she's not into me romantically, she'll feel awkward afterwards or it'll just be flattering? I don't want to risk losing her friendship all together. Have you ever experienced this interaction with somebody that you didn't have the same feelings for? If she rejects me, I'll probably be devastated. I really really like having her in my life. I have fallen so hard for her. She's all I can think about lately. Crushes suck when you have no idea if the feeling is mutual. But if it goes the way I hope for it to go it will be amazing and intense. Thanks again for your input!
  12. Hi, First time on this type of forum, but I'm reaching out since I need some guidance. I am 47 and have always been straight, no question about it. Never once felt an attraction to another woman until just a few months ago. The feeling was strange to me, yet at the same time exciting. I found myself falling in love or crushing on my lesbian friend who had recently broken up with her serious long distance girlfriend. I felt so confused and the feelings of love and lust for her were building up inside me. She thought that I was straight because I was when I met her and then we became friends. My feelings for her started shifting from friendship to romantic and deep love for her. Wow! It is one crazy, but fun ride! I get so excited to see her and get butterflies in my stomach. I look for ways to get close to her, emotionally and physically. I have not told her how I feel, but I feel that she knows by my actions. We have been hanging out together more and more and lately they feel more like dates. But she is still heartbroken over her ex and it makes it hard to move forward with our relationship in any way. Well, as if this doesn't seem complicated enough, we also work together. I'm afraid to act on my feelings since it could adversely affect our friendship and our work life. How do I know if she has romantic feelings towards me? Yesterday, we spent New Year's Eve together with another friend. I had a few too many drinks and got brave. We were dancing together and then I found myself behind her caressing her belly and hips and pulling her closer to me. She didn't seem to mind it at first. In fact she was rubbing her arms up against my breasts. It felt amazing, but then she slowly tried to get away when I tried to get to her neck with my mouth. I don't know if she just got freaked out because things were moving so quickly or what. I kept following her around the dance floor and we got back into that position several times. Each time she was grooving into me as well and seemed to enjoy it. But then suddenly she was done and moved away slowly from me. I felt hurt by her rejection. So then I did a really stupid thing and starting dancing with this guy. He was getting very physically close to me and I didn't know that she was watching me. Ugh! I only did it because I was so hurt by her rejection and I just wanted to feel desirable again. Our other friend that was there as well, pulled me away from this guy and asked me if I was ok. I told her we should just leave. Then my crush told me that they weren't sure if I was enjoying it. I said, "Meh. It's just nice to get some attention rather than no attention from somebody." They said that the guy was really into me and they wanted me to get a chance to break away. This morning I apologized to her for all of my actions. I felt so embarrassed and I was extremely apologetic. She told me not to worry about it and that tequila makes people do things they normally wouldn't do. That everything was fine, but I don't feel they are now. I asked her to tell me what I did that offended her. She said that nothing I did offended her and that I should just let it go. In fact, she wouldn't have thought about it at all except that I brought it up to her today. She thought that I was being too hard on myself. But I think I screwed this up royally. The whole thing is probably just too complicated for her to pursue. Also, I don't know if now she thinks that I was just drunk and didn't mean my advances towards her. Last night just got too out of hand. I feel so sad when I think that I may have ruined a really great thing by my rash and thoughtless actions. Maybe I should just come right out and tell her how I feel about her, but it's so scary to be that forthright. I want her to be my girlfriend so bad. I want to be able to kiss her and tell her that I love her. The fear of rejection and awkwardness stop me from being bold and honest with her about my feelings. Please help me figure out an action plan that is smarter than last night's. From what I have told you, does it seem that she is interested in me too? How can I know for certain? I'm helplessly in love with her and I need a resolution to this situation quickly. I've been waiting for the right time for several months now.