crushing

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  1. I've had some super hard days of grief and sadness. Lately, she seems angry or irritated at me. She's acting very dismissive in all of my interactions with her. I don't think our friendship will survive these times and that makes me even sadder. I'm not sure why she's treating me this way. I know that she's been very stressed at work lately, but she never used to take it out on me. She would just vent to me about it. I feel like she just wants me out of her life all together. This surprises me because she was so graceful and kind towards me when I told her my feelings. And she's always been good and kind to me. This is not a side of her that I'm used to seeing. I feel so hurt by her actions, but maybe I'm just being sensitive. Or maybe I just didn't know her as well as I thought. I texted her and asked her if she wanted to go for a hike this weekend and she said no because she's tired and had lots of work stuff to do. I invited her for the hike because she told me that she would like to continue that, therefore I didn't feel like I was overstepping boundaries. As hard as it will be for me, I really feel like I'm going to have to step away from her completely. I'm really bummed that we are losing our friendship. I feel it slipping through my fingers. Anybody have any idea why she would be feeling anger towards me? I have been nothing but good, kind and generous towards her. If this is who she truly is, then maybe it's best that she's not in my life. Ugh!!! I wish things would be smoother for us and not so awkward. I was hopeful after I talked to her that things would be ok. But they are not and I wish I could reverse everything I did and said to her. The damage is now done and all I can do is try to mend this broken friendship or move on. I have been chatting with some guys from this online dating site to help get my mind and heart off of her. It helps at times, but I keep reverting back to her in my thoughts. This is going to take time and lots of strength to push forward. Boy, do I hurt!! I've been crying on and off every day since New Year's. What a shitty way to start the year with a broken heart and the loss of a very close friend! Do you think that she'll eventually get over this awkwardness and anger and accept me in her life again? Please send me your thoughts and advice on this. Thank you!
  2. Yup, I have moments of utter sadness, especially in the mornings and evenings when I'm not distracted by work. If work is busy, my mind is occupied and I forget about my sadness. Although being at work is hard because I see her there and it's a constant reminder of the rejection. We work in different departments, but we work together quite often. It has been awkward ever since our frank conversation, but I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I think she is trying to maintain distance. I wish things could go back to how they were. I'm hoping that our friendship can survive this, but only time will tell. So far, it seems that she is respecting my request to keep this secret between us. I'm glad for that at least since I don't want my job jeopardized because of this. I believe that she wouldn't do that to me. I hope! Anyway, I am trying to move forward for my own well being. I have joined a couple of dating sites and am trying to find other activities to meet new friends. Although, at times I feel like I can't be excited about anybody else. I'll need time to resolve this in my heart and mind, but I'm hoping to be able to move on. My glimmer of hope of any future romance with her is dissipating. I know that I just need to move on. It will be hard for a while, but I'll need to carry on and be strong. And maybe one day we can be close friends again without any weird feelings or hang ups.
  3. I guess that I'm hanging on to a little glimmer of hope for self preservation purposes. It is hard to accept that somebody doesn't have the same feelings towards you. I am grieving right now. It will probably take me a while to get over this, but I am trying to move on as best I can. Moments of sadness hit me suddenly at times. I just cry my eyes out and hug my pets until I feel a little better. My problem is that I love pretty intensely so it's a bit harder for me to move forward. Any helpful advice or thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.
  4. Hi! I have an important update to add. I finally got up the courage to talk to her last night! Phew! It wasn't necessarily the outcome that I wanted, but it felt good to tell her my feelings finally. And as scary as it was, I felt comfortable talking to her about it. It was somewhat of a relief actually. Anyway, she was very gracious about it all. She took the time to hear me out. She told me that she's not ready to be with anybody right now due to the fact that she's still struggling with her recent heartbreak. She claims that she had NO idea that I felt that way and thanked me for letting her know. She knows how hard that can be to do. I told her that I can be pretty courageous sometimes, with or without alcohol. Haha! I am still sad about the outcome, but I'm glad I talked to her. Our friendship may be salvageable after all, I hope! And I guess that I still have a glimmer of hope that she may change her mind later on or after she thinks it through more. The fact that she didn't say that she didn't think of me that way or only saw me as a friend or that she wasn't attracted to me, made me feel that she left it kinda open to future possibilities. I should've asked her if she felt anything towards me or if she would consider me when she was ready, but I think I was afraid to hear that answer and wanted to hang onto something to avoid feeling completely crushed. I may ask her another time about it. I do think that I caught her off guard. She listened very intently to everything I said. I started out by asking her if I could talk to her about something. She said sure and so I proceeded to tell her that I felt that after the NYE incidents our friendship has been damaged. I noticed that she's distanced herself from me. I told her that I know you said everything is fine, but I don't feel it is. I regret what happened that night. First thing she said was, "What do you mean? Which part? Was it when you were dancing with that guy?" I said, "Yes! That and several other things that happened." I asked if I could sit down because I had a lot of explaining to do. I told her that the tequila made me brave and I felt like I crossed the line with her several times that night. It felt reciprocated at times and other times you were trying to get away from me. I told her that I didn't really regret crossing that line with her except that I felt some rejection from her and I should've respected her wishes, but I kept trying to get close to her. Then this guy started dancing with me and I had no idea she was watching. I guess I just felt the need to feel attractive and desirable by somebody after feeling rejected by you. So I made a big mistake because I was drunk and danced with him. She acted like she understood my reasoning. I told her that I have always identified as straight and when I started developing feelings for her several months ago I was very confused and I needed to wrap my head around it. But I have come to terms with my feelings now and accept them. As our friendship grew my feelings for her were growing and I couldn't understand it. I've learned that my feelings are based on something deeper and a connection to somebody and that gender didn't play a role in it this time. I explained that I had never felt this way towards a woman. And of course, our situation is complex in so many ways. She's trying to recover from a broken heart, we are close friends, my sexual identity is in question AND we work together. Recipe for disaster, quite possibly?!? However, I told her that I felt the need to be honest with her about my feelings since as far as she knew I was straight. Also, I told her that besides that night I felt that we had gotten close a few times and it felt like she was reciprocating. She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that our friendship was very important to me and I hoped that we could continue to be close friends. She said that she enjoys going on hikes with me and would like to continue doing so. I told her that I would like that as well. I don't know, I think our friendship dynamics will change and she'll probably be a little more distant but only time will tell. I hope she can turn this into a good thing and not affect us adversely. I told her that I hope she doesn't think of me as a creeper or that this will make her uncomfortable towards me. She said that is not the case. I will feel even sadder if she turns a cold shoulder or chooses to not be friends anymore. Somehow I don't think she's being completely honest with me. I feel that she may be attracted to me but doesn't want me to know. I feel that dancing with that guy that night must've hurt her feelings because she brought it up right away. If it didn't affect her in any way she wouldn't have said anything about him. And why was she watching me dance with him anyway? I believe that she's still very heartbroken by her ex and not ready for anybody, but why is she trying to do online dating? There's still a lot of unanswered questions in my head and she got all her answers because I was as clear as day with her. So now the ball is in her court if she wants to act on it. I doubt she will. How did she not know how I felt about her, especially after NYE night? She claims that she thought that I didn't mean any of those advances because I had all that tequila. And I did tell her the next day that I regretted my actions the night before. I explained to her last night that I regretted some, but not all of my actions (mainly my biggest regret was dancing with that guy). We'll see how things work themselves out after my candid conversation with her. After we cleared the air, we started talking about other things. She started to talk to me about work a lot. I think she was just nervous rambling on, but at the same time trying to create some normalcy again between us. Then we talked about our families and how much we miss being near them and about our pets. I was at her place for a good hour and a half chatting with her. It felt really nice to be so straightforward with her and the fact that she didn't freak out with my revelation to her. So as I was leaving I hugged her goodbye and thanked her for being so understanding. She gave me a good embrace in return that felt genuine and good. I don't feel like I creeped her out at all. Any thoughts or advice about this interaction between us? Am I crazy to think that there may be a slight chance for something still between us? Or do I need to let it go completely before I line myself up for more disappointment and grief? Should I talk to her further about this or will that make her run in the other direction? Life and love is so complicated and sad sometimes. Thanks for reading my novels and responding with supportive and good advice! Don't know how I could've done this last night without your support!
  5. Thank you all for giving me a shred of hope! All your advice and support has been super helpful. I have nobody else that I can talk to about this. All my friends and family think I'm straight and it would just be too hard to talk to them about this situation. Although, I know that everybody in my life would be supportive, I don't want to go there with them right now. She's back in town tonight. I will be dropping by her house after work to return her dog and I'm planning to talk to her then. I can't keep feeling this way without some sort of resolution or closure. She may not want to talk, but I will make the conversation happen one way or another. A part of me feels that there was some spark between us that now she's trying to shut off. I had asked her on New Year's Day after I apologized profusely via text to please tell me what offended her. She said that nothing I did offended her. I feel that if she was truly not attracted to me she wouldn't have let me get that close to her. And she would've been offended by my advances I would think. I will tell her that there's an obvious elephant in the room and we need to talk about it. I am the type of person to confront things head on no matter how hard it may be. I will be very clear with her and make sure she understands. Wish me luck! I have been so upset and sad about this. It's making me realize even more how much I care about her. My world feels shattered and I'm grieving very deeply right now. It's not just the loss of a possible romantic relationship that's getting to me, but also the loss of a close friend. She is the closest friend I have in NM. If things don't work themselves out tonight, I will really miss having her in my life. I'm worried that she'll think I'm some sort of creeper now. I don't want to come across as desperate or creepy. But I'm going to be honest with her about how my feelings have developed over time for her and how it felt at times that it was reciprocated. This is not the first time I have fallen in love so hard for somebody, but it is the first time with a woman. I've come to realize that it's the person and their soul that I fall in love with, not the gender or physical attributes. It is who they are as a human being. But every time it's just as painful! You would think that it would get easier with time and experience, but it doesn't. The first person I fell in love with this hard was my boss and it took me years to tell him. We constantly flirted, but he was married, much older than me and my boss. That was a complicated one, but when I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I felt he rejected me. It felt awful. But then he confessed to me a couple of years later that he felt the same way towards me. He called me a gutsy lady. So I know that I have it in me. That gutsy lady needs to come out tonight, even if she gets crushed again! Thank you again for all your support! You guys are awesome!
  6. I am soooo sad tonight. I've had a few good cries. I feel like my crush is distancing herself from me. I think she knows that I am into her, but she probably doesn't feel the same. And now, I'm probably going to end up losing her friendship as well which makes me even sadder. She is on vacation right now visiting her family. And I'm pet sitting for her. So I haven't been able to talk to her about my feelings at all. I wanted to have that conversation in person while we were alone together. Anyway, I feel that since the New Years Eve incidents she is pulling away. Normally, she would respond to my texts within seconds or minutes. But now she takes hours or days to respond. Also, we had a potential trip planned to go skiing together in February as well as we had tickets to see a show together. She just cancelled both of those events because she claims that she forgot that she had another trip planned that same weekend. She said she feels awful about it, but I feel like she is now making excuses not to hang out together and do things. Maybe I'm wrong and she's being honest with me, but my instinct tells me that this is over. I wish I were wrong. I'm so confused and heartbroken. I felt many times that she liked me romantically because of many mixed signals that she sent me. Maybe I misread them, maybe I didn't and she's just scared and not ready for a relationship. Besides that NYE night we had gotten physically close to one another a few times when hanging out. On the sofa one night while we were talking we sat so close to each other that our bodies were touching, thighs, hips, arms and she never tried to move away from me. I felt like she enjoyed it. Why else would she have stayed in that position for what felt like hours without any sense of discomfort or repulsion? I know that if I didn't feel attracted to somebody I would move away quickly which she didn't do on multiple occasions. We've had several moments like this. However, NYE was the closest we had ever gotten physically. I think I need to let go of my feelings for her before I feel even more crushed, defeated and rejected. Well, I feel like I got my answer without having to talk to her. She probably wanted to save me my dignity. It's definitely not the answer I wanted, but I'm pretty clear now that she doesn't want this to go any further. This has been a rough ride, even though it's been fun until now. I am notorious for finding the emotionally unavailable whether it is a man or now a woman. I'm forming an obvious pattern which always leads to disappointment and rejection. Why do I do this to myself? I need to find somebody that will love me as much as I love them. Any advice, thoughts or feelings on this situation with my crush? I need help to move on and not be so heartbroken.
  7. Thank you for your response and advice. I was afraid that everything you mentioned above would be the case. I know that I'll need to act on this quickly before I lose the opportunity all together. She has been on some dating apps lately and is looking to meet somebody. I need to be bold and straight forward. Do you think that if she's not into me romantically, she'll feel awkward afterwards or it'll just be flattering? I don't want to risk losing her friendship all together. Have you ever experienced this interaction with somebody that you didn't have the same feelings for? If she rejects me, I'll probably be devastated. I really really like having her in my life. I have fallen so hard for her. She's all I can think about lately. Crushes suck when you have no idea if the feeling is mutual. But if it goes the way I hope for it to go it will be amazing and intense. Thanks again for your input!
  8. Hi, First time on this type of forum, but I'm reaching out since I need some guidance. I am 47 and have always been straight, no question about it. Never once felt an attraction to another woman until just a few months ago. The feeling was strange to me, yet at the same time exciting. I found myself falling in love or crushing on my lesbian friend who had recently broken up with her serious long distance girlfriend. I felt so confused and the feelings of love and lust for her were building up inside me. She thought that I was straight because I was when I met her and then we became friends. My feelings for her started shifting from friendship to romantic and deep love for her. Wow! It is one crazy, but fun ride! I get so excited to see her and get butterflies in my stomach. I look for ways to get close to her, emotionally and physically. I have not told her how I feel, but I feel that she knows by my actions. We have been hanging out together more and more and lately they feel more like dates. But she is still heartbroken over her ex and it makes it hard to move forward with our relationship in any way. Well, as if this doesn't seem complicated enough, we also work together. I'm afraid to act on my feelings since it could adversely affect our friendship and our work life. How do I know if she has romantic feelings towards me? Yesterday, we spent New Year's Eve together with another friend. I had a few too many drinks and got brave. We were dancing together and then I found myself behind her caressing her belly and hips and pulling her closer to me. She didn't seem to mind it at first. In fact she was rubbing her arms up against my breasts. It felt amazing, but then she slowly tried to get away when I tried to get to her neck with my mouth. I don't know if she just got freaked out because things were moving so quickly or what. I kept following her around the dance floor and we got back into that position several times. Each time she was grooving into me as well and seemed to enjoy it. But then suddenly she was done and moved away slowly from me. I felt hurt by her rejection. So then I did a really stupid thing and starting dancing with this guy. He was getting very physically close to me and I didn't know that she was watching me. Ugh! I only did it because I was so hurt by her rejection and I just wanted to feel desirable again. Our other friend that was there as well, pulled me away from this guy and asked me if I was ok. I told her we should just leave. Then my crush told me that they weren't sure if I was enjoying it. I said, "Meh. It's just nice to get some attention rather than no attention from somebody." They said that the guy was really into me and they wanted me to get a chance to break away. This morning I apologized to her for all of my actions. I felt so embarrassed and I was extremely apologetic. She told me not to worry about it and that tequila makes people do things they normally wouldn't do. That everything was fine, but I don't feel they are now. I asked her to tell me what I did that offended her. She said that nothing I did offended her and that I should just let it go. In fact, she wouldn't have thought about it at all except that I brought it up to her today. She thought that I was being too hard on myself. But I think I screwed this up royally. The whole thing is probably just too complicated for her to pursue. Also, I don't know if now she thinks that I was just drunk and didn't mean my advances towards her. Last night just got too out of hand. I feel so sad when I think that I may have ruined a really great thing by my rash and thoughtless actions. Maybe I should just come right out and tell her how I feel about her, but it's so scary to be that forthright. I want her to be my girlfriend so bad. I want to be able to kiss her and tell her that I love her. The fear of rejection and awkwardness stop me from being bold and honest with her about my feelings. Please help me figure out an action plan that is smarter than last night's. From what I have told you, does it seem that she is interested in me too? How can I know for certain? I'm helplessly in love with her and I need a resolution to this situation quickly. I've been waiting for the right time for several months now.