unknown

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  1. Thank you for the warm welcome. I have been seeing a psychologist for the last year and she is wonderful. She’s helping me figure out how to stay safe while I strengthen myself. I’m also participating in a workshop that is helping me dig into my own patterns. And reading books on how to take myself off the target list. Thank you for the link. I will check it out. Cheers to healing! Thank you for the safe space to be me. Xo
  2. Thanks. I’ve talked and talked every step of the way. It is a toxic relationship for sure. I’m reading some books and getting some help. I appreciate the support. Passing of time has let me distance myself from the event and watch him without being entangled. I'm no longer manipulatable. One day at a time. X
  3. Nope. We are in the midst of falling apart.
  4. Oh wow. I’m living the nightmare right now. Would love to chat sometime. I think I need to exit this relationship but I’m scared. He absolutely wants to watch me with others (especially men despite knowing I’m more attracted to women) but needs to micromanage every step to make sure I’m not getting emotionally intimate. After our most recent escapade I hate all penises, even if it was the best orgasim I’ve ever had. I’m messed up. I’d rather have an open marriage than participate in his directed and controlled swinger style. But he’s furious at the open suggestion.... we got issues for sure....
  5. Hi. I’ve joined in a couple of chats that inspired me, a few weeks ago, before introducing myself because I wasn’t sure what to say or how to start. I guess since I’m “unknown” I should feel safe but that’s hard for me. I have big trust issues. I’m on my fourth failing marriage to a male. I was raised in a severely abusive and repressed home. (So attraction to my own sex was not even a consideration but upon reflection I can see it so clearly.) I’ve had several fun-play sessions with female friends. One intense female non-sexual spiritual connection that could have been something special if I had figured it out. And very recently, I was turned inside out by the presence of a woman who boarded my subway car and I could barely look at that I could not explain to myself in any rational way other than to accept that I’m bi. My current #4 male insisted on pushing me into swinging lifestyle over the past three years despite his knowing about my past sexual trauma and my intense resistance to the idea. The realm of swinging put all of my issues in my face. My trauma and abuse, my sexual attraction to women and the lack of regard/protection for me from my husband..... and how much I hate expectant arrogant dicks being waived in my face and poked against my body like they have a right over my wishes to do what they want. I’m sorry that I’m writing this while not in the best emotional state. But being unknown and the opportunity to speak freely was irresistible. I have no idea if my marriage will hold or if I’ll emotionally survive a recent event as a sane person. But hi. I’m clearly bi. I hope I found my tribe.
  6. People marry for a myriad of reasons and for me sexuality is not the best reason. (I've been married too many times.) For some people, maybe for most people, they settle for what is most important to have in a marital partner and accept the rest. I would not push anyone to tell or do anything in their marriage that they are not already freely doing themselves. I don't think it is fair or realistic to expect any one person to be our everything. Your friend is in the marriage for her reasons AND staying true to herself by keeping her tribe close, remembering who she is. As a bi maybe she is getting the best of both worlds. Bravo for her!!! Finding balance is tricky. Maybe your friend is incredibly happy with her life exactly as it is. I would be happy for her.
  7. Go down on a woman. Fast food or fine dining?
  8. I can relate. Freedom versus Control of your sexuality. I'm in a similar pickle. I've agreed to swing to please him but it's opened pandoras box for me. It feels canned and performed for me instead of freely exploring my sexuality. I now have several people to pretend with and to try to bring pleasure to. I can give you advice that I myself need to hear...... Your sexuality belongs only to you. Do with it as you choose. No one owns your body but you. Only you know your husband and how to handle him. Good Luck.
  9. Thank you. Perfectly stated. Harm to none, do as you will. I'm married to a man, again, and I'm now at a point of thinking that is because mostly of how I was raised along with the fact that men are always chasing me whether I'm/they're married or not. I've been compliant when I've not wanted to be. I'm only now being honest with myself and working through this. I both had sexual encounters with women and I fell madly deeply in love with a woman that I've never had sex with (nor even a kiss) and still think about her often in a non-sexual way. She and I had a spiritual connection that hands down never compares to anything else I've ever experienced. I mourn my brokenness and fear that kept me from relocating to explore our relationship. My husband has an agenda to be swingers. We've been dabbling in the "lifestyle" for a couple of years. It's hard for me in many ways. Honestly, this is what has put it in my face and made me wakeup to my own sexuality. It's caused me to reflect back on my life and situations from a new perspective and a new filter. I realize that I am more sexually attracted to women and the few men that I've had connection to had various levels of what would be referred to as "feminine" dispositions. Not flamboyant but a softness, a nurturing, home-keeping, well-dressing, non-sports essence to them. I realize that I am more sexually attracted to women but can have a good relationship and sex with the right man. The "lifestyle" has definitely shown me who I am and what I want in a relationship. I'm still in the process. I need a monogamous spiritual connection and for me that means just finding the right person. I love my husband and we have a level of connection and quite the history but we obviously do not share a monogamous connected relationship that I need. Sorry for the consciousness streaming. I'm figuring it out in the writing. Everyone deserves love and deep connection. I believe that if you have that, then sex is or can be fireworks. Anything else is just performance for someones gratification - yours or theirs. I'm a hopeless romantic and believer in LOVE (as defined above). Thanks for reading.
  10. I'm married and am so incredibly lonely and alone. For me, it's not about being single but about not having a tribe. Metaphorically, I'm an orphan with no real significant support people in my life. I'm not sure that it's really about being coupled as it is about being loved. I love myself and am okay being alone. In fact, I long for stolen moments like right now when I can do whatever I decide. A bit of freedom. Sometimes a warm sleeping body is comforting to have beside me but at what cost. It's really hard to find that right person who can be a joyous companion that we can trust and adore. I think there is a deeper question here......
  11. Ahhhh! Lucky you are! I'm a tad jealous but also think its wonderful that you we're secure enough to be in a place of safety to know and free to accept yourself. I suppose I'm finally at a point where I should go to the welcome post and introduce my "unknown" self. Thx!
  12. I had a mad crazy attraction episode a few months ago when I was across the country. I was riding the subway, exhausted and anxious for my trip to be over. I was zoned out and this woman got on the subway and I felt the pull as soon as she boarded. She sad next to me and I tried so hard to not look at her. I sat there gushing and overwhelmed with my attraction to her. She was not gorgeous, in fact very plain, so I could not tell you what it was. I was just instantly hot and bothered and wanted to be passionately intwined. I spent days in confusion and had to admit to myself that I am bi. Don't get me wrong, I've said it for awhile now and even had a few encounters but this hit me so hard that I woke up. It was my point of no return.
  13. Drink lots of water before hand (maybe during as I always keep glasses of water bedside) and do not go pee until after. Keeping hydrated is key. I have a goal of a drinking a minimum of 64oz daily. Being hydrated before and during any workout is super important and sexy!
  14. I'm partial to the original but was blown away when I first heard this rendition. A perfect post here. For so long, I've felt silenced and alone in the silence. Joining here is a way for me to quietly shatter that silence. Find my voice. I will never forget the first time I parasailed, up over 500 feet in the air, the silence was deafening. I could see the geese fly by but no sound came from their moving beaks and the motorboat so far below was deafeningly silent. It was the most amazing and breathtaking experience that I could never forget.
  15. There was a time when I was repulsed by myself but I am at a place now where I realize that I was so freaking repressed and had so deeply buried any possible acceptance of female attraction. Years of therapy and uncovering who I am.... wow! what a turn on. After several female encounters, I have to say that it has only been twice that I was thinking something along the lines of "when did you last shower" (in reference to her). But am totally turned on by the taste of me (or yummy her or him). Perhaps its a reflection of self-acceptance, if not cleanliness???