So I am working on an autiobiography. I am only 35 so will have add ons. Will never be published as then my boss would know lol. Big trouble. But have done 6 sections so far. Here is my one section on my sexuality. Feel free to criticize and everything as I am not a professional writer so I know what to fix lol! Hopefully it is not too long for this box:
The 1st thing I can look back on, during Midget hockey, is being in a restaurant with my teammates. I sat between 2 of the girls, Bess and Dee; 2 of my friends. Bess was a fun loving brunette. Dee was blonde, and although fun, a responsible teen. At one point during us eating and yapping there was some kind of conversation about how I was Bess' girlfriend so Dee couldn't have me. Then Bess held my hand on the table for a few minutes. I liked it, yes. But it was just that - girlfriends hanging out and screwing around. BUT, I remember it, so maybe it meant more to me.
During my teenage years I faintly remember having minor fantasies about those 2 girls and a couple others who played with us throughout the 4 years. However, they were all fairly innocent. I was not a very sexual teenager. Never was exposed to and never really thought much about it.
Thinking back to being a young child, I never crushed on little girls. Only boys. My 1st crush was a boy named James. Me and my best friend both crushed on James; the stud of those early elementary days. Then, in grade 5 I briefly remember dating a red haired boy named Aaron, with whom I remained friends with, and whom actually was able to come be my grad date after my original date got stranded in another city without a vehicle. That original grad date boy, Joey, was actually my best male friend and, well, my secret crush. Joey was cute and sweet and we got along so well. My family moved away but still, through Jr and Sr High and even into college we remained friends and my crush never dissipated. Although, I doubt he ever knew or reciprocated my feelings.
During high school I remember a boy named Steve, a year my senior. It was a short lived crush. He was a little chubby for High School and not super popular, but charming in his way. High school ended and off to college I went.
In college I cannot really recall fantasizing about any of the women, we were no longer girls, on my hockey team. I had a couple summers where I briefly remember fantasizing about female coworkers but nothing too serious. Most of my college fantasies were about men. I would make up these perfect young men and fantasize more about how we met; how we got together. I was never able to fantasize about ideal women. If I fantasized about a woman - it was a woman I knew.
In college I made out with and felt up boys who felt up me. Nothing ever went too far. I was usually intoxicated. I had the opportunity to sleep with these men but I didn’t. Too scared. Too sheltered. Not interested.
For some reason, I never crushed on any female I went to college with. However, periodically outside of the college world I had fantasies about female friends and coworkers. The first woman with whom my fantasies intensified a little bit was a supervisor of mine. We were friends. We would visit a lot; write notes to each other. She was about 20 years my senior. Not overly physically attractive but we got along great. I cannot remember anything specific about these fantasies but the thought of sex was starting to become more prominent. Early 20s and a virgin; it was going to happen!
Then, at one point, sick of not dating, starting to despise myself for not yet having sex, I started dating a friend. More of a cousin of a friend. Him and I texted briefly and went out for drinks a couple times. I went to his place a few times. The last time I was there we finally tried hitting the sheets. He touched me. I touched him. He proceeded on top of me. He tried briefly to penetrate me but it was not going to happen - easily. He was large and well I was a tight virgin. And he didn’t force it, as he was not going to hurt me - I appreciate that knowing how much it could have hurt.
Next fast forward a few weeks, months or even a year, timelines are hard to remember correctly. I once again started to think of my childhood crush, Joey. I needed to get laid. Hell, I was 23 years old!! Who better to deflower me than someone I had known since I was 5! So I email Joey up and drove the hour to see him hoping it would finally happen. Little did I know he was hooked on drugs at that point. We hung out, but, it was weird. I drank, stayed over, but that was that.
I still had that craving.
I needed to have sex!!
So, if my recollection is correct, the next day, I went online and asked this man, Alex, I briefly talked to online in the previous weeks, to go out with me. We went to out to a local lounge and had a drink. We hit it off. So I invited him back to my place. We watched a movie. Alex was the 1st man to ever truly penetrate me!! I did it! I was finally not a virgin! I assumed that was a one night stand.
I was ashamed.
I was not a one night stand kind of girl, as far as I knew anyway. But, needless to say, that man ended up to be my husband less than 12 months after we fornicated. Got married. Had a baby. Had another baby. Hectic days, but some calm evenings. Kids were not great sleepers but during our downtime we, my husband and I, watched television together. We took up watching the show Sanctuary. I become obsessed with the show. It was good. After a few episodes though, I kept noticing the main character, Helen Magnus. She was pretty. Her accent. Her hair. Her body. She went from being pretty to being hot. From just being hot to being the woman I made love to in my head. I fantasized about that woman for years. As her character Helen, and even times as herself. Fantasies were much more sexual now with these women. Not intense but were sexual. I had had sex. I had orgasmed. I knew stuff - finally. Helen Magnus was my 1st fictional woman crush, but then again not made up by me. Why could I make up these men and not women?
Anyways, during this time, Helen Magnus was my girl crush. Assumed that was a normal fact of life. Women got girl crushes. Normal heterosexual women fantasized about other women. No??
My next victim ended up being my dentist. Finally a woman younger than me. Petite as well, not my usual type. A reason I enjoyed the dentist. She still is my dentist but those feelings and fantasies faded.
Then IT happened. I started a job that would end up changing my life; for better or for worse. I was surprised when I was hired. I was given great hours and started to really enjoy my job. A couple months in I found out I was getting a new boss. I was worried. I hate change. I do remember the first time I met the changeover boss. I came through the door of the bottom floor of the building I care for. I was introduced to 'Her.' I do not remember if we shook hands or not as I may have been wearing my gloves. I remember briefly looking at this woman; at quick glance I assumed she was younger than I. However, she was not. I remember vividly thinking 'eh.' and had a feeling that this new boss would be a bitch. I cannot say she is not a bitch but regarless, she ended up changing my world!
The second time, if I remember correctly, that I met 'This Woman' was at a Christmas luncheon that we went to. The woman whom hired me, a couple coworkers, 'Her', and I. Seeing this woman intrigued me. There was something about her. I was just interested. A few months go by and I realize she is fairly okay to work for. No issues. She seemed to care. I, then, have an early spring performance review. I was nervous - had never really had a review before. I found out I was taking too many sick days as per company policy. I have 3 kids - bound to happen. She gave me the okay to be flexible with my hours. If a kid was sick one day I could just work the next, no big deal. Work life got easier. I began to really like this woman. She was strange and unreadable, but, kind. I was, at this point, still very interested. Intrigued with this woman. We started texting a bit more. A little more personable. I was feeling different about her. She started telling me that I was good at my job; she was glad she got to work with me. Little tidbits about her life. I talked some about my life. I started to compliment her as well, as what deemed appropriate since residents and others were not as inclined to appreciate her.
But I was feeling TOO close.
Ah, it was another girl crush. Big deal. They happen to everyone, right? The crush started to get worse. I started to fantasize about her. I started to get uncomfortable around her when just weeks before I was comfortable enough to ask her out. She declined. One time a family member passed. Some kind of fate keeping me from her I presume. The other ask she was not 'allowed' due to me working for her. I understood her position. Respected it. Respected her. But this crush was not normal - it was feeling too intense. Maybe I was falling for this woman? She was single, funny, caring, appreciative, in a position of authority. Why wouldn’t someone 'fall' for her?
But why did I think about her ALL the time? I was a wife; had 3 kids. Traditional family. I started researching reasons for having a crush on your boss. It had been a few months - time for those feelings to fade!! So, I presumed maybe telling my husband would force the feeling to subside. It did not.
I researched and I researched and found MOST heterosexual women DO NOT fantasize about other women! WHAT?? I have done that my whole life. What is wrong with me? Am I a freak of nature? How did this happen? This cannot be! I need to be 'normal'! My life felt like it was starting to fall apart.
I was bisexual.
I was bisexual.
WHAT? REALLY? NO!! I HAVE a husband and 3 kids. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!
My marriage started to change. My husband seemed to become more possessive. More protective. I wanted/needed out of the house more. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be with friends. We fought more. Argued lots without even realizing it. I was frustrated. The man of the house wasn’t working. I worked as much as I could even though working more meant being around and talking to 'Her' more. I loved talking to this woman. I craved talking to this woman. This woman helped me. I needed more work she got me more work. Needed better place to live, she got me a better place to live.
I started writing letters to this woman. Ones I would never send but maybe if I could get her off my mind I could feel 'normal;' I could BE 'normal.' But it just got worse. 'She' became less personable. I tried pushing too far. Literature said the better you know a person the more likely you would not crush on them. She was backing away - things she said - I could feel it. So, I stopped pushing. It did not help.
But was this a crush, was I just falling for her? Seriously, it had been months. Almost a year. It was progressing. I could not get her off my mind. I realized I was totally completely falling in love with her. I could not comprehend the feeling.
This intense attraction to 'Her' was causing me pain. Joy but pain. It being one of the reasons I separated with my husband. She made me realize I was bisexual. Hate her for that. Love her for that. Now maybe I can be truly happy? But ruining my husband and children's lives?
Weeks, months the thought of my husband not being with me creeped up. Freedom? Freedom to explore this new found sexuality? I needed it! I wanted it! The thought of going down on a woman, on this woman, intrigued me. My fantasies with her were extreme and too real. Sometimes with my husband and children present I would picture her there with me. BEING there. Us together just there together.
Well, April 18th, 2018 I asked my husband to leave. So I could explore with women and even other men. One day. One day I will explore my sexuality. One day I will find a woman who can make me forget about the woman who made me realize who I am. One day I will be with another man. Compare as I have only been with one man! Life is full of possibilities!!