i like women's faces, bodies and personalities. i want sex and relationships with women. i like men faces and bodies, but not their personalities. i find male sexuality disgusting and annoying, but somehow i like straight porn more than lesbian porn. but dick in porn seems overrated and boring, i like looking a men faces. but only straight porn where the guy is handsome in the face and doesn't seem like a jerk. but most straight porn is like boring. i don't know i think i've seen it all. lesbian porn is ok, but it's not as animalistic as straight porn, but i love strapon lesbian porn. i like looking at the girl face while she fucks with the strapon porn. after watching and masturbating to straight porn i feel very bad, but this doesn't happen when i watch lesbian porn. i feel happy after watching and masturbating to lesbian porn. in real life i enjoy looking a men with handsome faces. but it has to be a very handsome man like a model or someone very good looking. sometimes i watch average guys faces out of curiosity. i think male muscles look good, and i am curious to touch them. but honestly i don't feel very comfortable with the idea of having sex with men. it's like i like to watch them, and maybe touch the muscles to see what they feel like, but actually engaging into anything sexual would left me feeling like shit. like i could sleep with a guy, and enjoy it but would feel awful afterwards like i would have to kill him or kill myself. i rather not act on my attraction to men ever, because it makes me feel less than ideal. and it's cool according to my own standards lol. i would love to be in a relationship and have sex with a woman. i would feel great about it. everything about it seems awesome. but i don't act on my attraction to women because homophobia stresses me out too much and i suffer from a mental illness caused by homophobia from a previous coming out attempt, basically every little lesbophobic thing people say or do gives me stress that make me angry and i want to tell everyone to fuck off because it's not appropiate at work, i hate feeling angry all the time but also feel empty inside knowing that i will never be able to have a long term relationship with a woman. but then again pretty girls don't find me attractive and i am a little too crazy antisocial, and there's too much homophobia to deal with. still i refuse to ever kiss, date or have sex with a man ever oh and threesomes involving a man is the most disgusting thing in the world and i hate that even in porn i feel my male are only necessary for watching porn sometimes, but then in real life i hate that a guy notices i am looking at him like i want to punch him in the face or humilate them or something, i hate men having any sort of power of me. i love liking women though i think i have issues with men for real like i can't deal with them having any sort of power over me if a guy treats me bad i feel like shit if a girl treats me bad i can move on maybe it's because when i was a kid and i was with my father, he was holding a picture of a young boy and i asked him about it then he laughed. later i realized it was a picture of his son with other woman. he left my mom because he wanted to have a son and my mother couldn't give him more kids because she had her uterus removed so basically my father laughed at me, and now i hate him and all men, and i feel they will laugh at me again and make me feel like shit but with women i can deal with any drama and feel ok about it i mean my attraction to women is higher than my attraction to men so whatever, right? i can't deal with another man laughing at me or mistreating me ever i don't wanna risk getting hurt by a guy and let's face it dicks are overrated, kinda ugly, and strapons are somehow hotter and i don't care much about sex because i watched too much porn and somehow desensitized myself i just wanna cuddle with a woman and find real love i don't think i could ever love a man oh and i hate it when people noticed i am attracted to men, or pressure me into getting a boyfriend or getting married like i feel rage and wanna tell them to fuck off i really wish i were 100% lesbian i do love my mom a lot and spend a lot of quality time with her and support her financially so, what am i? what should i do?