I've noticed a lot of people put their current situation on here. As much as I would love to post about it, I kind of just want to write it in a blog entry. Its just easier for me sometimes. Because I'll ramble and probably drift off topic which I'm known to do. But after having a conversation with one of my friends last night, i came to realize something.
My husband and I have been together since I was 19. (I'm 31) Married for five years, together for seven. When we first started dating, sex wasn't an issue. It really wasn't. I wanted it all the time basically. No matter what time of day or time at night. Sex was a constant. I'd wear sexy lingerie, wouldn't even bother with clothes at night. I was pretty insatiable at times.
After awhile for reasons I can't remember, my husband got tired of sex. Didn't want it as often or have us talk about it as often. The foreplay started to die down, dirty talk was pretty much over and I was left feeling like I had done something wrong. So my sex drive took a huge nose dive. I wasn't even interested in masturbating anymore. I used to be vocal, that died down too. I began to lose myself and my desire all to make him happy.
When I started to feel lost, I started to become more involved online. I made friends, wrote stories and started to discover that sexy side of me again. But then another problem started to form. My husband wanted all of the focus during sex to be on him. Having his needs met to make sure that he was happy. This has gotten so bad that literally before he left on his business trip, I made sure to blow him so he wouldn't be mad. (we had gotten into an argument hours earlier).
My husband has expressed in the past that he wanted to involve a third person. Have a threesome or just add someone to our marriage. Which I'm not okay with. Not so much because of the sex. If he wants to sleep with someone else, I'm okay with it. But for two reasons. One being it would be someone he chose. Someone that he could relate to. Two, it would be someone that didn't play with me but focused on him. Then the idea that someone would come in and start claiming that they'd be better for him and by fault better for my son. that's where I'd have the issue. (not the better for him part. I made my peace with him finding someone else if he really wanted to. But I'm not going to let anyone take away my son.) Because I know how it would play out because my husband is not a man that you want as an enemy. He will point blank tell you that he's an asshole, he's not going to change. He will forever be an asshole. This isn't me being mean to him. This is something he will tell anyone.
Because of all this, I just want someone, a friend or someone I can grow a deep connection with, that is only my friend. But not someone that interacts with him. Is it selfish? Yeah, but I'm willing to admit to that. I'm not going to make any excuses or try to justify why I stay. I have my reasons and there is a part of me that does love him. But I know that I can't keep doing this to myself. That I have to have some freedom to make friends and be more social.