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moonbynight last won the day on December 10

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  1. I have a weird ambiguous friendship with a woman in her mid-50s. I'm in my late 30s, and at least from my perspective, age is not a barrier. I wish we were younger so we had more potential time together (though we both have long-lived families, so probably still got a good while). I wish we could have had a pre-menopausal sexual relationship (not that we have a sexual relationship now, but if one develops, it would be post-menopausal for her). But those are absolutely not things that make her less attractive. "Not so pretty" and "slim" are not factors at all - she is not conventionally attractive and has some pudge, but still takes my breath away. And after several kids and roller coaster weight throughout adulthood, my body isn't exactly perfect either. So don't write yourself off yet. My gut reaction to this is that it's less about you not being "her type" and more about her existing relationship, and that saying you're not "her type" is a way of distancing herself from the connection. Which I don't say to try to give you false hope. Just look beyond the surface and try not to take it personally.
  2. I really wish there was a gym local to me that had a pool! There are pools, and there are gyms, but not attached to eachother. I'm thinking about a gym membership again. I was bike commuting, which I find to be my best way of being consistent about exercise, but I broke my arm again and am not confident in continuing with that. I have weights and stuff at home, but don't tend to stick with it. I'm not going to join (a gym or this challenge) right now, though. My life is kinda in flux right now, so I'm going to wait and see how that all shakes out first. Edit: Nevermind, I will join in, and just consider my PT stuff sufficient until I'm done with that.
  3. IMO, cheating is breaking the established boundaries of the relationship in question. Those boundaries may be different in every relationship. For some people even looking at someone else or mild flirting is cheating. For others, having a full-on secondary relationship isn't cheating. In absence of having explicitly established boundaries, I would say that any outside sexual/romantic interaction is cheating, regardless of the gender of the people involved, because that is the default relationship expectation in our society. I think that saying woman/woman relationships don't count as cheating is a way of delegitimazing or lesser-ing the relationship. I mean, saying that a woman/woman relationship is "more emotional" seems to me to be either saying that the sexual side doesn't count (at least not to the same extent as in a male/female relationship), or that the emotional relationship is actually stronger, which I'd think would make it more threatening, not less. I think it is very understandable if someone wants to explore their same-sex attraction, but that doesn't make it any less cheating if their partner isn't ok with it. I also think that people and relationships are complicated, and that what is in the best interest of the individual may not always coincide with the other person's boundaries.
  4. I'm the other way around. From a platonic standpoint, I often get along far better with men than women. But I just can't get worked up over them anymore.
  5. I probably came across as more harsh than I really intended. I very much understand from personal experience that when you're into someone, you want that person specifically, and some other person isn't going to take their place. And yes, ideally you should be able to have free choice over who you get involved with. And using poly to play control games is not cool. So I do get where you're coming from. But it does sound like more communication needs to happen to make sure everyone is on the same page as far as expectations, and that insecurities your husband may have are being adequately addressed.
  6. I don't know. Perhaps. I kind of doubt I'll ever label myself a lesbian. It doesn't seem right with my life history. But I also realized one day that it's been like 15 years since I really felt attracted to a guy. Is that just situational? If I weren't involved with a man, would I feel differently? Or would I be like @bi-the-ocean describes, go get involved with a woman, and decide I didn't actually ever truly like men after all? So I call myself queer or not-straight and leave it at that. Pretty much covers all bases.
  7. Well... There's no one way to do poly. The only real poly rules are honesty and communication. Beyond that, it's all about what works for ALL the people involved. That includes your husband. Many poly people do have some sort of rule where the uninvolved partner has approval or "veto power" over any potential partners. This is kind of a double-edged sword. On one hand, it helps protect you if a certain person pushes your buttons or makes you distrustful. On the other, it can be used as a control tactic, where you're poly in theory, but one partner is never actually going to approve anyone. Which might be what you're seeing. In this case... I think it's likely that, since you had an affair with this woman, he does feel uncomfortable with the idea of you dating this woman in particular. He may suspect this whole poly thing is just a way to continue the affair. Or perhaps it isn't really about her, and he's just uncomfortable with the reality of it. You have to talk and figure out what the actual issue is, and whether it is something that can be worked out. In my opinion, he has no obligation whatsoever to accept you being involved with this woman. Again, you're totally changing the ground rules of the relationship, and he's allowed to have a say in the matter. And you're under no obligation to stay married to him if your desire to be involved with this particular woman outweighs your marriage. That's basically what it comes down to. I strongly encourage both of you to read at least one book like The Ethical Slut, Opening Up, or More Than Two before diving in head first. I suggest a book because you're not going to really get an idea of the nuances from some brief article online. Then have a real discussion about how you see this working (for both of you!) and boundaries and that type of thing.
  8. I'm much less out about being poly. I'm a pretty private person in real life, and have no interest in dealing with the questions.
  9. It's been a very gradual and not always linear process. I spent most of my adolescence thinking I was straight because I got crushes on boys, but questioning because I had feelings for girls and didn't understand it. I had no idea bisexuality existed. Around 16, I learned bisexuality existed, and immediately realized that's what I was. So that was acceptance in a way. But then I questioned whether I was REALLY bisexual or ust being a Special Snowflake. I also still had a lot of religious hangups, so I accepted it, but didn't really embrace it. When I was 22, I saw the BBC miniseries of Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit. The main character's first 10-year-old crush was so exactly me at that age. Seeing myself reflected like that helped me realize that I was legit, not just making stuff up. My self-acceptance has continued to improve since then. It isn't really a one time thing, like a lightswitch, but an ongoing process.
  10. My husband knows, and has from the start. I'm out to some friends and co-workers, and one cousin. I guess I'd say I'm quietly out to pretty much everyone else. I've got rainbow stuff in my cubicle at work because I wanted to be visibly a safe person to other LGBT people at work. My facebook profile says I'm interested in men and women, and I post LGBT stuff there occasionally. But really, I think people see married with kids and don't look past that.
  11. Unfortunately, any changes like this are under the control of someone who is unlikely to make any changes. That said, if a jealous visitor is a true concern, it's much better for that person to be aware of what they're posting and how it might identify them, because there's absolutely nothing stopping a jealous visitor from making an account to get access to the private stuff. Plus the publicly available posts are at least as likely to contain identifiable information.
  12. I am in a poly relationship, but I'm afraid I'm not useful, as we were poly from the start and it wasn't a new concept to either of us going into the relationship.
  13. V and Z are connect-the-dots illustrations of relationship structures. Each person is a dot, and the relationship is a line between them. So V is when one person is involved with two people who are not involved with eachother. Z is when one of the other people in the V is involved with someone else (who isn't involved with any of the other people), as well. Does that make sense? Like someone else suggested, books like The Ethical Slut or Opening Up, or online resources like can help. If they're fiction readers, Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land or books by Spider Robinson can be a less-threatening introduction. If you can find a poly meetup near you, that can be a good opportunity for getting a little more reality on it (often they'll have social gatherings that are purely social - I'm not talking swinger parties or anything like that). Guys especially may be more open to it if you're ok with them finding another partner, too. But when it comes down to it... you're attempting to change the fundamental ground rules of the relationship. Some people may never be able to accept it, and they have no obligation to do so.
  14. What I'm saying is that simply having a preference for a certain skin color (eye color, hair color, whatever) or finding it attractive is not a fetish. A fetish is taking that concept to an extreme. To use a less sensitive example... plenty of people like the appearance of high heels and think women look sexy in them. That's is not a shoe fetish. Someone with a shoe fetish can't get off unless heels are involved, and the person wearing the heels may be less important than the shoes themselves. True racial fetishes can be very hurtful to the people who are their target, and so the title of this thread made me a little prickly. But it sounds like Rani has been made to feel like her preferences are wrong/taboo/fetishes, and they're not. They're just the normal preferences most people have.
  15. Like I said, everyone has physical preferences, and simply finding certain features attractive isn't a fetish.