Curious Jane

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Curious Jane last won the day on July 15 2014

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  1. The last day of class was Monday. Such a somber feeling came over me when I left class. We had the option to take our final during regular class with her on Wednesday (today)or schedule it sometime during the week in the testing center. I scheduled mine for Friday because I needed more time to prepare, but I wish I could have just had that extra day with her. For some reason I feel a bit creepy saying that. I almost got to test with her on Friday because the testing center wasn't calling me back. Worried I'd miss the deadline, I emailed her to let her know I was still waiting to set my testing time on Friday. She emailed me back to say that if I don't hear back, she would probably be able to allow me to test with her on Friday. Instructors usually don't work on Friday, so I thought that was super nice, but I would have been incredibly nervous if it ended up being just she and I. I ended up getting a call from the testing center. I guess another thing that makes me weird about all of this is the thought that "she knows" or gets a feeling that I have some kind of crush on her and that it's repulsive...or just creepy. I don't know. Also, when I emailed her about the testing issue, I added a note that said, "I wanted to tell you that I'm glad I took your class. I feel like this stuff made sense for once (lol)!" She didn't respond to that part of the message. Maybe she is just being professional. Maybe it's odd I wrote that. Anyway, sorry for rambling. I'm running on little sleep and it's been quite a long day. By the way, I started to write in the "Erotic stories" area of the board. I stopped because for some odd reason it feels wrong. Like morally wrong or disrepectful. Or maybe it feels wrong because if she, somehow (but hopefully never) read it, she would feel repulsed or violated in some way. Ugh, I'm rambling on again. One last it weird that I have a hard time thinking about her in a sexual way? Maybe it's because I just feel bad about myself and need to get back into better shape before I feel comfortable imagining myself with someone. It is just weird that I have this infatuation, or crush, or deep admiration, but I don't get to thinking about jumping into bed with her. I just think about getting to know her and want her to reciprocate my feelings. I don't know if I will ever figure this stuff out. Lol
  2. Perhaps she simply sensed my discomfort. Or maybe it wasn't common for her to see an older student taking her class. I told myself I was being ridiculous and if I wanted to pass this class, I shouldn't overanalyze glances from the teacher. It was nothing, I told myself. Focus. Then class was over and I pushed those thoughts and feelings to the back of my head. By the time I arrived home, I was no longer thinking of my instructor. My husband was home and greeted me as I threw my purse on the kitchen counter. "How was your first day back in school?" he asked. "Not too bad. Just as I suspected, though, I was the oldest one in class." "Oh, don't worry about that. Do you like your instructor?" "What? Why? I have a good teacher, I guess." My own tone surprised me. It was a little defensive. "Whoa. He must be some hunk for you to answer like that," he teased. "Sorry, Brad. I just think it's been a long night. And it's 'she', not 'he', " I calmly replied. "Oh. Phew. Scared me for a second there, Jane. Thought I was going to have to start going to class with you," Brad joked again. "Well, I have a few things I need take care of at the office tonight after dinner." "That's fine. I already have homework, so I have something to do while you're away.." Brad left shortly after dinner and I crawled into bed with my laptop to work on my first assignment: a response in an online classroom message board. I had to introduce myself to the class, which I thought was odd since we did that in person. Oh well, maybe I could take the opportunity to explain why 36-year-old me was back in school. Yes, that's what I would do. I continued on to the real assignments. Word problems, formulas, finance questions -- it all wasn't as bad as I expected and I breezed through fairly quickly. Oh good, I thought. I can actually go to sleep earlier. As I went to power off my laptop, I saw an email come in. Thinking it was for work, I ignored the notification. Then my phone chimed, letting me know I received an email, most likely the same email. But my phone will show who the email is from without opening it. A little pang of happiness went through me when I saw the name: Dana Wallingford. My instructor. (To be continued...)
  3. The lecture room was much smaller than I thought it would be, which worsened my anxiety. And my other worry was warranted; I was the only 30-something-year-old in the room. I was prepared to sit in the back of the classroom, and make myself as unnoticeable as possible. But I wasn't prepared for her. I didn't want to go back to school, but my field of work was advancing beyond my skillset. I had to enroll if I didn't want to risk being out of a job in a few years. Still, it was hard to be an older female student on campus, especially when I was older than some of my instructors. One of the courses I was required to take was a business finance class. I feared that it would be beyond what I'm capable of understanding; hence the anxiety. I just didn't want to look stupid in front of my younger peers and a (most likely) younger teacher. When I first walked in, I noticed the instructor at the front of the room, preparing her computer for the lecture. I was a bit relieved when I noticed she wasn't very young, well, at least not in her 20's. She kept tucking locks of her dark curly hair behind her ear. I didn't want to stare, but something about her held my attention. And there was a mixture of familiar and unfamiliar feelings that washed over me. I wrote it off as the "first day of school jitters" and took out my syllabus to put my focus elsewhere. I didn't have much time to look it over before the instructor walked to the front and middle most part of the room. "Okay, let's move up to the front guys and girls. No one needs to sit in the back," she said in the most assertive, yet kind tone. "There's plenty of room up front." I stood, gathered my things and began to make my way toward the front of the room. I kept my eyes to the ground, but glanced up to find an open seat. That's when it happened. I looked up to see the instructor watching me. She was just standing there,head turned, playing with her fingers, and looking at me. It was as if she was trying to figure out if she had known me from somewhere else. I stopped moving and just...stared back. Did I know her? Why does it feel so...good to look at her? Was this...attraction? To a woman? I had girl crushes and a drunken fling with a woman in the past, but this felt quite different. I looked away and took a seat. I kept stealing glances. She did, too Then it was time to begin class and she introduced herself. "Hi, my name is Dana Wallingford. Welcome to class." Her voice was a perfect blend of confidence and gentleness. I tried to focus on her lecture, but I couldn't help but replay our first encounter from just minutes ago. She continued to glance at me throughout the lecture, but I couldn't tell if was her good pedagogy or if she was still trying to figure out from where she might have seen me before. When I walked into class, I already wanted it to be over; but it was nearing the end of class now and I felt such a mixture of wanting her to continue to speak and wanting to get the hell out of there. It felt so strange. It was an uncomfortable yet warm feeling. (To be continued...)
  4. I meant to add this: Is it paranoid of me to wonder/worry that she talks about her husband (tonight wasn't the first time) in such a way because she gets the feeling that I have an interest in her and wants to be like, "Let it go, girl. I don't swing that way."
  5. So...I learned through a co-worker that she is Mormon. It makes me take a step back and say "Okay, now you really can't go there." Even if she did have some sort of interest in me, it would be totally against her religion to have that kind of relationship with a woman. I'm not religious in the least bit, but I still try to respect those who are. My best friend is Mormon and she and I had a few borderline sexual encounters, but she was a "Jack Mormon" and had to confess what happened to her bishop. That made me feel pretty bad. Nevertheless, I just can't stop thinking about my instructor now. I showed up to class before everyone else, even though it was like 5 minutes before class started. We chatted about the horrible wind, and the fires in L.A.. At first I was talking as I normally do with a friend or a co-worker , but then I became nervous and rambling. She doesn't make you feel dumb about it, though. She keeps the conversation going, adding her thoughts to whatever dumb thing I might say. I've seen her talk like this with other students and it's such an endearing quality. She eases you out of the awkwardness. I think it may have something to do with the fact that she sometimes says some awkward things. I think she is pretty damn funny, but other students are just kind of like, "Okay..." Today she slipped and said something that went beyond awkward and it embarrassed her. She went totally red in the face. We were talking about standard deviation and she was using height as an example. She talked about her husband's height and cracked a joke about how she will tell him that he is taller than a certain percentage of men. She slipped and said, "I mean, he is definitely not having to compensate for anything..." And then she looked right at me. I had to turn away to hold in my laughter while the other students made somewhat nervous scoffs. She kept saying, "That was really inappropriate." She didn't smile and I think she was worried about crossing a line. I'm not sure why I just explained all of that. I suppose I just don't have anyone with whom I can share this.
  6. I am ( or was) slowly beginning to move out of this "butterfly phase" with my instructor. I realize that she is just being a good instructor by creating a teacher-student relationship with the frequent eye contact, smiles, etc. I even came across some Quora questions asked by teachers that were all about eye contact with students while teaching a lesson. But something interesting happened today. At the end of class, everyone stood up to leave. Before we moved toward the door, someone asked a question about the upcoming final,so we all stopped to listen to the answer. I was feeling really self-conscious today, so I stood behind another student. I looked at the ground as I listened to the answer from the instructor. I looked up for a moment as she was speaking and she was looking around the student (the one in front of me) and directly at me. We made eye contact and I just nodded as if to say, "I understand." I looked away before she did. By the way, we to touched fingers last week when she was showing me something on the calculator. LOL This is so stupid. It's so juvenile. If I didn't feel whatever kind of attraction this is, I probably wouldn't notice eye contact, or smiles, or care if our hands touched. Why does she have to be so wonderful? She called me shy today, but I just wanted to be like, "No, it's because of you. I am afraid of saying something wrong or stupid in front of you..."
  7. I joined when I was just coming to terms with my sexuality. It was after my first semi-sexual experience with a woman, my best friend --and during a confusing time when I had feelings for my supervisor. I love the Shybi forum because it helped me make sense of my feelings and sexuality. If there was one thing I could change, though, it would be to not allow anyone to view the forums who wasn't signed in to an account. I get nervous about posting my picture for that reason.
  8. Just curious as to who might live in Vegas or in the surrounding areas.
  9. People like this love to project their faults and shortcoming onto those they are trying to control. It sounds like she is trying to make you feel foolish. I imagine her saying, "Omg, people don't break up for those reasons." Then she makes you feel guilty for hurting HER feelings for even considering breaking up for such a "trivial reason". You may think you're staying because you love her, but you're staying because you're being manipulated. You know you need to get away, but she uses your insecurity and indecisiveness against you. Please listen to what everyone is saying. Get away from her. Your mental health is at stake.
  10. I agree with the others. Get out of this relationship! This person sounds like a narcissist. Does she do things that make you upset and then make you feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing? People like this are all about control. Don't fall for it. Save your sanity.
  11. I am annoyed with myself that I even feel the need to come here to talk about this. The reason is that I wish I was confident and secure enough to not let it disrupt my thoughts. But I've thought about a possible reason for the frequent eye contact. Maybe she just feels more comfortable looking at me because I exude shyness, but I'm not exuding apathy. In the rare instances where I have spoken to a group of people, I always focused on the friendly faces who looked like they were genuinely interested in what I'm saying.
  12. Class last night was interesting. I emailed her to let her know I might be late & asked If I should just attend via video conference. She said either way was fine, but it's easier to show up in person and she wouldn't mind if I was late. I wasn't late after all and I sat down as she was talking to another student about the number of students who were out. She turned to me and said, "I'm glad you could make it." That was just her being a nice person, of course, but there was an embarrassing moment. I turned to look at her to say thank you (she was sitting off to my right), and we made direct eye contact. She looked at me with that same look as she did the day she greeted me at the door...just kind of...stared. Now, I usually take out my contacts at the end of the day and wear my glasses to class, but I didn't get home in time to do that. So, I wasn't wearing my glasses like I usually do. Her eyes kind of widened when we made eye contact. Maybe I just looked different without my glasses. But the look on her face was so soft, yet focused on me, and I could feel my face burn. I made a stupid awkward gesture with my hands and scrunched up my shoulders and said, "Yeah, I made it!". It was meant to sound jokingly proud, but I am sure I just looked mental. In the physical classroom, it was just me and one other female student. I have dismissed her frequent eye contact with me as "checking for understanding" -- even though she barely glanced at the other students, and would sometimes quickly look away when I looked over at her. However...there were two separate personal conversations she had with us that related to the material, but wouldn't warrant a need to "check for understanding". Yet she continued to make frequent eye contact with me. I can only describe it as: the way someone looks at you to gauge your reaction. And there were moments where I would be focused on the screen while I listened to her talk. Then she would pause, and I'd turn my head to look at her, and she'd quickly look away. I have to ask myself, would I even notice her looking at me if I hadn't felt this little attraction? Would I be analyzing it so much? If it weren't for the eye contact would I have allowed my interest in her heighten? Isn't this the same shit I have gone through twice before, only to learn I was just seeing something that wasn't there? When it comes down to it, it's ridiculous, really. But why can't I stop writing and thinking about it?
  13. If it were 4-5 years ago, I'd probably have the confidence to at least do some very light flirting. I was in better physical shape and my confidence was stronger. I would still be intimidated by her intelligence, though. I feel like I am a profound thinker, but it's evident that her ability to communicate her thoughts and perceptions is on a greater, deeper level. I also can be awkwardly shy. I communicate best through written word, but I second guess everything that comes out of my mouth when speak -- especially when I am with people I don't know very well. So, to avoid that anxiety, I just don't talk.
  14. I think things have calmed down with me. Life has been so busy that I didn't have time to slow down and really think about what was going on. I've realized that a huge part of my worries just come from anxiety. I read back through my posts, thought back to all of my encounters with the instructor, and I am pretty sure that I was letting anxiety get the best of me. Since I've had such sad/bad outcomes in the past with these attractions, I was getting ahead of myself and letting worry consume me.