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About tsikk

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    Big Tease

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    Roisin Murphy/Moloko, Meshell Ndegeocello, Sebastien Tellier...
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    North-East US

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  1. That is so true @BenedettaC! I like there is a lovely gang of people here to help out with the misconceptions. I thought that the art commission analogy can help explain a core principle about consent of dom/sub game. I didn't mean to lay out an actual a sequence of action as such so much. As an artist I have actually approached customers and sold my ideas to them... And it is totally true there can be a lot more back and forth between the two sides. The communication doesn't have to be all verbal but it's a good idea to ensure that things are understood the same way about riskier stuff. (I find it a good general guideline about any kind of sex really to stick to things you feel comfortable enough to talk about with your partner if you should wish to. If you can't discuss something, it's a good sign you should probably do some work on it before you attempt to try act on it) I'd also add that a mark of a good dom/artist is to be able to anticipate their partner's likes and to exceed the expectations.
  2. @kairi hit a key point! Its not domination in a literal sense or domination in the common use of the word! Nothing happens, to the outsider the even most extreme looking things, without the submissive's true consent. In the end it's really the submissive who sets the boundaries and has the final word on any given licenses. To add a lyrical explanation. The dom sub game can be compared to commissioning an art piece. The sub being the commissioner who goes to the artist, the dom and tells what kind of art piece should be created. Like the artist the dom will now be the one to produce the piece using her/his creativity and skill. The canvas would be the subs body. And well the payment given not in cash but ass!
  3. This! Only you @lsroses said it better than I could! This was a major attraction about sex with women for me, especially in my younger years. Young men being especially overexitable and ignorant about pleasuring women. Add to that all the societal pressure and the nonsense beliefs about what is appropriate for either gender to like and how to behave. Little wonder I as a young and inexperienced woman felt I needed the freedom a same sex relationship can offer to figure out what I like and need sexually. And of-course I found women simply hot! So lucky me!
  4. Hi! I've had similar thoughts.... I just wanted to add that there's a certain mismatch between male and female sexualities. Male sexuality seems in general rather crude - there's a straight forward, fast and easy path to reach the peak. There is more similarity and hence compatibility between women in general when it comes to sex. Also the focus of receiving pleasure is more on one partner at a time because of anatomical logistics. So it's more of a tit-for-tat affair. Whereas men's ability to easily subtract pleasure from the act can leave women under served. Or they just assume that it feels as good for the woman they're with. In short it's harder for men to empathize and less reasons to bother in general.
  5. Meditation on my homophobic parent(s)

    I used to be absolutely horrified about my parents finding out about my attraction to women. It really did take a toll on me as it was the main reason I suffered from depression and anxiety through my teenage years and early twenties.

    I felt trapped and incapable of exploring my attraction to women. Which in turn put a strain on my relationships with men. (Wonder how you'd like that thought, Mom!)

    I've even come to see my stunted feelings for boys during these years possibly as a result of repression now. The massive unresolved questions about women and my sexuality pretty much sucked up all my mental energy. And a possible serious relationship with a man presented as just another big obstacle.

    But the main problem was my stubborn, ignorant and controlling mother. Ignorant to the degree that she thought my cousin's long hair was a clear sign of him being gay! Meanwhile in the real world he was a very obvious rock fan!

    I have had many arguments, bordering fights with my mother about the way she viewed (and probably still does) gay people whom she really knew none. In her mind they are perverted and apparently cannot be trusted with children.

    My mother's homophobia was one of the reasons I seeked out a scholarship for an exchange year abroad. That's how far I felt I needed to go to have my break! Anyway I managed to hang on and have had some relationships with women.

    I've thought about coming out to my mother since. And to be honest one of my motivations has been anger. To hurt her back by using her own bigotry against her, like a martial arts move. But I realize that anger is not a good place to base this kind of decision on...

    Most of the time I just don't care anymore. I have moved on with my life. I'm happily married to a wonderful man and we happen to live far away. So it isn't terribly relevant these days.

    On the other hand I shudder at the thought that my mother may think she 'fixed' me and guided me to the 'right path' somehow... That it's all ok now thanks to her.

    Mainly I do want her to know how much hurt she has caused with her narrow mindedness about homosexuality. But it's unclear if I can ever get that through to her. She can be extremely stubborn and probably will just get defensive.

    Or maybe I am selling her short. Maybe me coming out and calling her out directly could be the thing that finally gets through her wall of ignorance...

    I don't know.

    I want these crumbs of resentment gone from my heart at least.

    1. BenedettaC


      It sounds as though you really need to have that conversation, but it might be best not to say everything you need to all at one time - otherwise, she will probably just become defensive, and erect a huge wall to avoid having to deal with it (and you). Despite your anger and resentment, it's best to try to be gentle about it, and introduce the topic in a gradual way, a little at a time, rather than indulging in a massive offload, tempting though that may be. 

    2. tsikk


      Thank you BenedettaC for your thoughtful input.

      Re-reading my post, it comes off more bitter than I actually am. It was my recent visit to my parents that brought back these feelings among other things.

      You are right a massive offload from the point of anger and hurt would not help.

      I've tried defending gay people in abstract but even that ends usually in argument with my mother. I've also left enough dots to connect the line about my attraction to women. I've actually come quite close to straight out coming out about a crush I had.

      She should know. I don't know if she is too deep in denial or just deeply ignorant or both. That's why perhaps a considerate but direct approach cold be more successful if I could succeed at that.

      Unfortunately my mother is not exactly an easy person to deal with beyond our differences about homosexuality. She is not that good at offering emotional support in general. Her anxiety and insecurities tend to get the best of her many times.

      Perhaps it would be simply wiser for me to look for understanding about my sexuality elsewhere.

      Or should I try to do it to get a piece of mind that I've done my bit...

  6. This is exactly where I used to be! Stuck with that thick confusion for a decade and more. Then I finally had a sexual relationship with a woman the deep exploratory kind I had craved for. I felt intense feeling of liberation washing over. After that experience to my surprise I suddenly started falling for men like never before. My feelings for them until then had been rudimentary at best. Like there was a wall there I didn't allow myself get behind. I may have suppressed that side of my feelings. I was afraid of being overpowered by men. Plus I really needed to figure out my sexuality and the deal with my attraction to women. Now my thinking has sort of flipped to 'am I a bi woman or a straight one who got tired of men in this sexist society'. I may never know the extent the different influences ran and I'm ok with it finally. I know I will be forever grateful for my experiences with women... And I can feel free in my love for my husband.
  7. I've heard about the owl theory. First I thought it sounded far fetched - an owl, really?! But now it makes the most sense to me as well, as crazy as it sounds. My husband an I went full on psycho analysis on the handling of Michael Peterson's case after. About the way prosecution was playing the game and how come the jury came to their (in my mind stunningly unjustifiable) decision. Did you find yourself wondering the same way?
  8. I felt the same way about the horrible prosecutor Freda Black! A bizarre and disturbing character. I thought she even looked like a Disney villain with her crazy clothes and make up! It's true her life seems to have taken a pretty sharp left turn since. It is likely this thing would have not gone this far if Michael were straight. The prosecution did some horrible and more than questionable things. Though honestly it was still a very strange case...
  9. I watched The Staircase too! It's well done! There is another reason to watch the show. Michael Peterson's bi-sexuality plays a big part in the docudrama. Even though the show was sort of displaying yet again the not so nice bi-stereotype, I think Michael did quite a good job explaining his side, how it feels to be bi and his life experience. (you'll have to wait for his explanation till the last episode though). Edit: Just to clarify - the documentary did show Michael in a sympathetic light, perhaps even too sympathetic for a documentary. I do think it has one of the deepest depictions of a bisexual person in mainstream media and there are not many.
  10. I do not have a specific clothing item that makes me really in tune with y bi-sexuality, but the idea makes sense. I used to dress and present quite a bit more butch. Though I'm not exactly femme even now. I find as I've become more secure about myself and my sexuality I do not feel the need to prove myself or fight against straight stereotyping. For me there was definitely a rebel aspect to butchness. On the other hand I'm also not looking for women at the current part of my life...
  11. I’ve found it useful telling people that I am interested in finding solutions and not casting blame when bringing up difficult topics. Your speech, tone and behaviour will have to also reflect that - not always easy to do when you’ve been hurt. The other side should not feel like they are under attack, that just makes people defensive and unreflective usually. Try to keep the focus on how to improve the situation or what can be done differently in the future. Ask more, tell less (the Socratic method). It is better to let the other person come up with ideas. This way it is less frightening and more likely they’ll stick to the solutions later. Good luck!
  12. Hi Pierette, Sorry to hear about your health scare and your husband's inappropriate reaction to it! I went through something similar but not to your degree of severity. It wasn't exactly life and death situation but something that was most likely to alter my life in a big way. I got lucky, at least for now. The reactions from my (now) husband and my mother were reversed compared to you. My husband was showing the best kind of support you could imagine even though we had known each other for only half a year at that point. My mother was another story. I had invited her along for support to what I knew would be the hardest doctor's visit. In hindsight I wish I would not have invited her, I would have been much much better off alone! I know she cares for me, perhaps too much, and she has anxiety issues. But sometimes just love is not enough and the actions really do matter! It reads like there may be similar reasons behind my mother's and your husband's inappropriate behaviour. They are not good or are incapable at coping with that kind of stresses. It is a very serious problem. My mother's behaviour hurt a lot, but I did get the support I needed from my husband. I didn't live together with my mother either. So it was easier to ignore her. I want to let you know you are not overreacting. Perhaps it would be best for you to recover a little before you bring the issue up with your husband. You know him the best. Try to find someone else who can give you the emotional support meanwhile. Maybe you know someone who can talk to your husband and give him advice on how to show support... Or who can support him so he can support you. Hugs and wish you a speedy recovery, Anne
  13. @AllThatSheWants Wow, your friend, sounds like she is still at high school! Next time when she behaves in this ridiculous way, I'd stop her and look her in the eyes and say "I know what you are thinking. Don't flatter yourself!"
  14. I'll sort of state the obvious but confessing to your slip up will inevitably out Charlotte as bi (and as a cheat). It is one more thing to take into consideration. On minimum you should let her know about your decision if you do decide to come clean to your boyfriend.
  15. Thanks @Punk Maneuverability and @myladylove! I put thinking about my bisexuality mostly to a side for 4-5 years, after that tumultuous decade of struggle with it. It's been interesting to revisit it from a more calmer and probably saner place now LOL. @myladylove from my perspective, I agree experience was absolutely necessary. But it does get more complicated ethically once you have dependants involved like a spouse or children... and I again like you said there is probably no 'one size fits all' solution there too. The more angry homophobia and bi-phobia makes me. All it does is makes more miserable people by showing them into closets and pushing into relationships prematurely or into wrong ones all together. What a waste! Anyway things are getting better, and overcoming adversity can make you more resilient and give you extra depth and perspective. You can also look at your bisexuality as a superpower that helps you swiftly identify and weed out bigots from your life!