BiTriMama

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  1. Many of us have been in abusive relationships, and it seems each day there's a new thread or post about someone who thinks they might be, so I thought it might be helpful to put a few things together in one place. Whether you're in an abusive relationship, recently freed yourself from one, watching someone you love in one, or something else, this thread can offer something for you. It is and will likely continue to be a work in progress. I invite all members who have some experience with abuse and/or links to resources to post with the hopes of helping other members find health and happiness. I will link some of the threads already on the site with stories of abuse so that they might help others. Please hare how you experienced the signs of abuse, how they affected you mentally, what kept you from leaving, how you got out, and anything else you feel might be relevant and helpful to others. Remember that abuse isn't always physical, and doesn't always become physical. Abuse can be emotional, narcissistic, financial, psychological, sexual, etc. It can include shaming, gaslighting, isolation, violation of boundaries, making you feel trapped, invalidation, minimizing, feeling like you need to walk on eggshells, and many other unhealthy behaviors. Rarely is it all bad, either, which adds to the confusion. In the beginning, it is often fairy tale wonderful, and even as the relationship continues, we catch glimpses of this, just enough to give us hope that things might improve someday. Few would stay with someone who treated them badly 100% of the time, but many of us have stayed even being treated poorly 90% of the time. NO ONE deserves to be treated like this. I will also include some definitions and links as I build up this post. I can add helpful resources to the original post as they come up. Many of the links below are on very helpful sites with lots of other posts, so feel free to click around. Please feel free to create your own threads with questions, as this post is more dedicated to answers and resources. *********************************************************************************** Characteristics of an abusive relationship Excerpt: The relationship may be abusive if one of the partners: Withholds affection or approval as a form of punishment. Criticizes and shouts at their partner, or calls them mean, negative, and hurtful names. Ignores their partner's feelings and insults their beliefs, ideas, and/or values. Lies to their partner to manipulate and control their thoughts. Insists their partner look a certain way. Humiliates their partner in public. Keeps their partner from seeing and having contact with friends and family. Prevents their partner from communicating with others or restricts their means of communication, such as taking away their phone or computer. Withholds resources such as money or transportation. Makes their partner feel guilty if they spend time with other people, thereby isolating them. Puts their partner in dangerous situations, such as driving recklessly, driving under the influence, or abandoning them. Displays violent and threatening behavior, like throwing objects, or hitting, punching, or slapping their partner. Locks their partner out of the house, or traps them in a room. Rapes or sexually assaults their partner, or threatens to do so. Threatens to commit suicide if their partners leaves or confide in someone about the abuse they are facing. Threatens to hurt their partner or their loved ones, including themselves. Threatens to kill their partner if they leave or confide in someone about the abuse they are facing. A person may also be in an abusive relationship if they: Experience fear in their partner's presence, or fear of what they may do to them. Want to leave the relationship but feel as though they cannot. Believe they deserve to be harmed or punished by their partner. Feel guilty or feel like everything is their fault. Are afraid of being alone with their partner. Signs you're in a toxic relationship General info about abusive relationships Narcissistic abuse Signs you've been abused by a narcissist Gaslighting: manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. Signs you're being gaslighted More about gaslighting Isolation Financial abuse Financial abuse from Women's Law MANY helpful links on this site- click around!!! Signs of a sexually abusive relationship Physical and sexual abuse Getting the courage to leave Recovering emotionally Unspoken Secrets about Life After Abuse Rules of No Contact Hoovering and No Contact Gray Rock Additional sites with many helpful articles and links: One Mom's Battle: about divorcing a narcissist, especially if you have kids Narcissisticabuse.com Loveisrespect.org National Domestic Violence Hotline Darkness to Light child sexual abuse Luke 17:3 Ministries Christian-based abuse resources, excellent even if you are not Christian Out of the Fog info and forum about personality disorders Books you may find helpful: Divorcing a Narcissist series by Tina Swithin In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George Simon Jr. PhD Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD and Randi Kreger BIFF Response by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. *************************************************************** ShyBi Threads:
  2. I’ve been on a variety of websites over the past 20 years, starting with AOL in its heyday. I’ve had good and bad experiences, flakes, abusers, and amazing partners that I’ve met over the years. I’m living with a woman I met on POF. She’s incredible, and I doubt I would have met her any other way. I don’t think our paths would have crossed. Online dating can be a great way to meet people you otherwise wouldn’t get to.
  3. It’s definitely fun to play with the senses, wrist restraints, blindfolds, etc. It’s also fun to see marks left on your lover (or yourself) after the fact. It’s a sexy reminder! Playing with the dom/sub dynamic can be really hot, and it can be sexy to see that side of your partner, especially when it’s very different from who they are outside the bedroom. I really enjoy teasing someone, but I tend to date very impatient women! LOL
  4. Take a deep breath, and don't overthink this. You're meeting for a date, not an engagement, or even a commitment for a second date. Keep it low key, and don't let too much time pass before you respond. Women who want to meet up sooner than later are often no-bullshit, and they've always been my best bets when talking to women online. Long, drawn-out exchanges end up waning off, or end up being fakes or flakes. Go grab a drink in a local pub or bar, or a restaurant with a nice bar. I agree about keeping it casual, and not going too over-the-top with clothes and make-up. You're going to be nervous. She will be, too! It's okay! The only way to get over that fear is to just DO it. Worst thing that happens? One or both of you isn't interested, and you go your separate ways. You might get rejected, but that can happen on ANY date, and so far, that's never killed anyone. It hurts, it sucks, but you get through it. Don't go into it convinced she's going to reject you, or that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy! HAVE FUN!!! Update us after your date!
  5. The first image in my head reading the title was a bunch of inexperienced women staring at each other, all afraid to make a move. LOL But then you add alcohol, and... Really, that's not the best way to lubricate the situation, no pun intended. Women might consent to things they may not otherwise, not to mention how much more difficult it is to get off when you've had too much alcohol! But I will say that my most gratifying experiences with women (not that I've ever had more than one at a time) have been when they are more intimate and with someone with whom I have already established trust and chemistry. I think if I wasn't in a monogamous relationship, and the opportunity came up to attend something like this, I might go out of morbid curiosity, but it's certainly not what I would have wanted for my first experience.
  6. I'm so sorry to hear you've had to endure this, but I am really glad you're rid of him. Have you considered reporting this, and doing a police report? He doesn't sound like someone who would take responsibility for his actions, and sometimes, it can take extreme measures. It can also help prevent this from happening to someone else. But I also understand if you choose not to go that route. I'm gad to hear you have good support around you, and that you're reaching out to this rape survivor counseling. Sadly, this is an experience many of us (myself included) have experienced somewhere along the way, and it's unacceptable! But it's wonderful that there are resources out there. Hugs!!
  7. You cannot hold a marriage together on your own. Have you two sought counseling? It takes two people working at it to make a marriage work, and she needs to hold up her end of the bargain. It doesn't take a lot of energy at the end of the day to curl up together when you're tired, or give your partner a deep kiss at random in the kitchen. We do what we prioritize (because realistically, it can't all fit in sometimes). Sex, or at least, sex with you, isn't a priority. If she refuses to engage in trying to improve things, or to hear your concerns and needs, then it's up to you to decide what you're willing to deal with moving forward. Staying for the kids never goes well. You deserve to be happy, and I would guess she isn't happy, either.
  8. Welcome to the site! I think there are a lot of us who lean more toward women (I lean so hard I now identify as gay, but I'm more like homoflexible). I will say that you owe it to yourself to get these answers about your sexuality before you end up married to a guy and having kids. It becomes WAY more complicated when you start adding that stuff, and the urge to be with a woman doesn't tend to fade. You can see posts all over this site about that. Many of the women here can relate to the feelings you're struggling with. Dive into the forums- you'll see lots of relatable posts! If you haven't already, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rule and other helpful posts.
  9. Not at all! There are many threads about this stuff throughout the site, and a lot of us have been married and seeking a woman. There are more couples and married women than there are women willing to date them, so just be aware. Seeking a woman in the same situation may be your best bet. Don’t give up on the dating sites. Cast a wide net, and stay active. It takes a lot of sifting to find someone worthwhile who isn’t a flake, but they DO exist. I met my GF, who I now live with, on a dating app. You just never know!
  10. Welcome! It IS kind of awesome, I will say! It’s a big realization when you realize that that’s what you want. I’m glad you’ve found us! You’ll find many women here who can relate to your situation. If you haven’t already, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rules and other helpful posts.
  11. Welcome! If you haven’t already, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rules and other helpful posts. Dive into the forums- you’ll see you’re far from alone!! It’s great that your husband is supportive! Are you considering meeting women as well? If you’re considering something outside of monogamy, I highly recommend reading The Ethical Slut by Janet W Hardy and Dossie Easton. Even if you’re only kind of, maybe, but not sure, considering it, I would read that. You’ve found a great corner of the internet with lots of support and great advice!
  12. It’s always a matter of sifting through the rubbish to find the treasures. But they ARE out there. I’ve met all kinds online, including my GF, who I live with. Don’t give up!! There are some threads here about dating sites, which you may find useful.
  13. Have you read The Ethical Slut by Janet W Hardy and Dossie Easton yet? That will give you some great guidance for this, and you ought to have your partner read it, too, if they haven't. It's certainly not a relationship style that works for everyone, but it can work and be very fulfilling with the right parties involved. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and that book addresses it. MoreThanTwo.com is a site that has some stuff, but I found their stuff to be very anti-monogamy, and I disagree with a lot of the perspectives I found there. I found The Ethical Slut more to my taste, but check them both out.
  14. There are several posts here about online dating, and I would check them out, especially some of the tips and warnings to keep yourself safe. I met my GF on Plenty of Fish (after being single for over a year). I met my prior GF on OKCupid. I've met women from Her before as well. All of the apps have their merits. I would suggest casting a wide net and seeing what's out there.
  15. I agree that your husband needs to get over himself. It's really NOT a big deal, and he needs to quit shaming you for that. I have seen a gazillion nipples in my lifetime (I was a labor a delivery nurse for 2 years and did lactation work for years before that, so I saw my fair share!). It's just a variation. Is his penis flawless? I mean, really? Are his nipples star-worthy? Plenty of women have split, inverted, flat, large, tiny, asymmetrical, high, low, or otherwise "not exactly what society says is perfect" nipples. MOST women don't have perfect nipples. Plus, we all have our preferences for what we like, not that we have say over what our partners have, and if that's a deal-breaker, that says more about that person than the nipple-haver! I don't think this woman needs warning. My GF has inverted nipples, and it's really no big deal. I just had to learn how they work for her, and really, you need to learn how each person's body works, anyway! I'm also glad she didn't "warn" me about them, because that would make me feel like she was embarrassed by them, or ashamed, and they're not something within her control, and they are just another part of her that I adore. I think we all have our body hang-ups, many of which have been commented on over the years by some partner we've had. I have some saggy skin between weight loss and pregnancy, and it made me super self-conscious, especially when I was married and we started dating a woman, who would be the first person to see me like that aside from my husband. But she didn't seem bothered by it, and she had a little loose skin on her belly as well from having two kids, which made me feel A LOT more comfortable.
  16. I agree that it can be good to have that social clean out every so often, even if it does feel lonely. It's quite possible that you are changing, but maybe for the better, and that will attract better people into your life. I know that when I've gone through periods of self-growth, it's changed my relationships on the whole, and I have better people than ever in my life right now. My two closest friends are amazing, my girlfriend is incredible, I am in a great workplace, things have come together in ways I could never have imagined. One of my closest friends of 20 years just stopped responding to me several months ago. She still speaks with my mom occasionally, and she's told my mom that she's down and feels like I would judge her decisions (she's making some really poor life choices right now, but that's kind of been her way). I've had other people exit my life, either on their own or by my choice, when I started standing firm in my boundaries. And yes, serious illness has its way of teasing out the real people in your life. One of my aforementioned close friends deals with this, and finds there are only a few of us who stick with her through the shit times. I'm glad to hear you're in a better frame of mind. It's okay to have those low points. Just don't let them get the better of you. Let this time be one to focus on self-improvement and self-happiness! Dive into your hobbies and talents and really nourish that part of your life. What do you need to work on in yourself? Focus on being an even better you, who will invite even better people into your life.
  17. Welcome to the site! If you haven't already, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rules and other helpful posts. It can be confusing when you've grown up with more black-and-white thinking. You're gay or straight. You're monogamous or cheating. But there is definitely a lot of gray area where many people live. I didn't recognize what I felt for girls as attraction until adulthood. I felt like having ANY attraction to guys meant you were straight, and gay was a sin/perverted, etc, so I didn't even entertain the thought. So you ask, are you a lesbian? Maybe, but only you can determine that one. Eventually, I realized I am, and I am much happier and fulfilled living with a woman. It sounds like your partner is game to let you explore this part of yourself, which is a very loving gesture unto itself. I would recommend both of you read The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, and then discuss. It'll help you both avoid a lot of the common mistakes and address certain topics that you might not have thought of otherwise. As you've discovered, there are MANY women here who can relate to your situation, and tons of posts about this. Read through the various forums, and feel free to respond to threads when you're ready. Welcome!
  18. I am AWFUL with this. It literally takes a woman telling me she wants to get naked with me for me to catch the drift! Reading between the lines can be crazy-making, and it's VERY easy to misinterpret things. Really, you're better off just putting it out there if you think she's interested and you're interested back. I did ask out a woman I'd had a crush on for years about a year ago. She turned me down, but it was weird to see her for a bit after that, but now it's fine.
  19. It will be easier to meet women if you're out. Plus, you won't have that fear of being "caught" while you're out on a date, and you'll get more comfortable with it yourself the more you're out. You can enjoy your dates more when you're already out and not afraid of who might find out. Why would you need to justify and explain anything? I say do what feels right for you, but you will likely feel some relief and freedom once you can really be out.
  20. I'm SO glad to hear you're out of that relationship! Reading your posts has been hard, and I knew you needed to get there on your own before you would make your exit. You go girl!!
  21. Welcome! I echo checking out How Our Forum Works, where you'll find the site rules and lots of other guidance for maximizing your experience here.
  22. Welcome to the site! Have you seen the site rules already? You can find those and other guidance in How Our Forum Works. Check our the forums! Do some reading, and then dive in!