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Everything posted by BiTriMama

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  3. I can completely relate to being able to love more than one person, but struggling to balance two relationships. This is a big reason my attempts at polyamory have failed. When I was married, I found I just wanted her, not both. I stayed and tried to make the marriage work, but it failed for other reasons. Then, the same woman and I ended up together for a year, and we kept it open, as she identified as poly, but again, the balance was a struggle, and she couldn’t adhere to our agreements (I think the NRE was strong). When she refused to either do what she’d agreed to or end things with the guy, I ended them when her. I learned from these that I am definitely monogamous, and won’t be open to another arrangement again. Luckily, my girl now is the same way (and ironically, she had a similar experience with a poly woman around the same time I did, which further solidified her position with monogamy). So I’d say my ideal is a monogamous lesbian relationship, which I have now. The woman I am with is incredible, and we are a great match.
  4. Most are more for social purposes, not necessarily for dating, though some women do attend hoping to meet someone to date. It's just nice to connect with other women who can relate to specific life experiences and feelings, especially in-person.
  5. As a uro/GYN RN, I would strongly recommend holding off as recommended. You can cause internal bleeding that can be fatal (at worst), damage your pelvic muscles (which may make you incontinent, have a prolapse, etc.), cause vaginal bleeding and damage, and cause pain, and as nice as orgasms are, they're not worth the risks! Definitely will be worth the wait, though!
  6. Each group will have its own culture. You’re wise to reach out to the organizer, and hopefully she can help answer this for you. Don’t be afraid to wear your ring. Plenty of gay women wear them, too! I’d say try out the group, be warm and friendly and HONEST, and if they can’t accept you for you with that, then that’s on them. If you go in there already behaving like you’re going to be shunned, then chances are you will be.
  7. If she wants to do things she can’t tell her husband, then that’s cheating. I suspect he would sure think it is. Maybe a woman can’t offer the same things a man can; but on that same note, a woman can offer things a man can’t. My girlfriend makes me feel so much more complete than my ex-husband EVER did. Believe me, what she and I have fucking counts. Imagine if your husband went and fell for a man, slept with him, developed feelings, and didn’t get your consent first. Would you consider that cheating, or is it somehow less valid because it’s with a guy? Would you be less affected by it? Less hurt and angry and broken? It sounds like she’s trying to justify this in her mind, much like @caliwoman said above.
  8. EXACTLY. I think this sometimes skews our perspective.
  9. Absolutely. I had a couple of threesomes when I was younger, and met with a few couples I decided I wasn’t into, but I always said I could never do it within the context of my own relationship. I felt like it was too risky. It’s definitely a different dynamic. It was really weird to see my husband kissing, let alone fucking, another woman when I was married, but in my case, I was ultimately more jealous of him than her, that he was the primary person doing things with her in those moments. But then, I am gay, so there’s that. They’re two very different things, being a third and being in the primary relationship, and it’s understandable that you would feel okay with one and not the other. You never know where time might take you, though. In my own case, I’ve been there, done that, realized I am inherently monogamous, so no more threesomes for me.
  10. I don’t think gender is part of it. If it goes against your agreements with your SO, it’s cheating.
  11. I went 15 years without it before I met my ex-GF, and that was a major struggle. When I came out as gay and stopped dating men, I had a two year dry spell (it had been about 7 years since I'd been with a woman, and the two years were with no one, and it never worked out with any women) that got me so lonely I opened back up to men (and met my ex-husband).
  12. He may want to check out poly groups on I know there's one here where I live, and many more out there.
  13. I think there are a lot of things at play here. On the surface, I think it's normal for him to not want you to be with this woman. You've already shown him that you will violate your agreements with this woman, so that's what she represents to him. It will constantly remind him that you cheated on him with her (and you CAN still cheat within a poly relationship by not sticking to your agreements). It's very common when people open things up to agree not to see people you've cheated with for this very reason. Below that surface, there is the fact that your marriage is already hanging by a thread, and that he is not mentally healthy. This is a very common place for people to be when they explore polyamory as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage, and is often the fear of other women you might meet- that they'll get caught up in the drama. He's probably doing this in a hostage situation- do this or the marriage is over. That's not the best reason for this, though not an uncommon one. Just be aware that if you do pursue someone, it will likely bring out a very ugly side of him, and you've already seen a lot of his ugly side lately. Sometimes a guy will give a green light with trepidation, and will make so many limits that it's prohibitive of actually being able to meet a flesh-and-blood human, like she can't be local, she can't be anyone you know already or be connected to anyone you know, she has to disappear after you fool around, she can't have a name with a vowel in it, etc. It becomes unrealistic and not feasible to meet someone, outside of a sex worker, that meets the criteria.
  14. Top/bottom dynamics isn't only a BDSM thing. Tops basically do things to bottoms, to keep it really simple. For example, in gay male relationships, a top would be the one to give, anal sex, and the bottom would receive. With women, some women are strictly one or the other, though it's less common than with gay men. Some women don't want to give oral or wear a strap-on, for example, but enjoy receiving ("pillow princesses"). It's still pretty vanilla terminology, and isn't as relevant among lesbians, though it's important to talk about what you are and are not into (some don't like penetration, some love tribbing/scissoring, some don't, etc). What's "vanilla" is very subjective, and would still require a conversation. Dom/sub would be more BDSM, and may or may not correlate to top/bottom dynamics. Most people think of whips and chains with BDSM, but there's a lot more to it; a lot of it is mental. Which can be incredibly hot!
  15. This made me laugh out loud, partly because it's SO. FUCKING. TRUE.
  16. I love the exchange of dirty, detailed, palpable messages with my girl. I love building the anticipation, and getting the brain stirring! I love to do it to her when she really, really can't do anything about it, too.
  17. Have you told your husband any of this? I think I would say to start there. Get a dialog going. You never know, you might be able to do this ethically. Staying in a marriage for the kids rarely works out well, and the kids often suspect that this is the case. My partner is one example- she totally expected her parents to split when she graduated high school. Their dynamic isn't healthy, and it's worn on her. It's taken a lot of self-work to not carry that (too much) into her romantic relationships, and sometimes I have to remind her that we're on the same side. I stayed in my marriage (much like yours, @unknown, with a total narcissist) much too long, trying to adhere to my vows and stick it out for my son, but eventually I was a shell of a person, and needed to leave for my sanity. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. @unknown, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I can completely relate- I've been going through mine for 4 years, and I'm hoping it'll be finalized in the next few months. Even when you're the one that leaves, they manage to discard you and traumatize you. Mine had the new victim living there 6 weeks later, with our son. They had a baby in less than a year. If you ever need to commiserate with someone who gets it, or you need any resources for processing all this, let me know.
  18. Welcome! As these ladies have said, many women here can relate to your situation. Peruse the site and read through the posts. Be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rules and other guidance for using the site.
  19. First, welcome! Congrats on the scary green light! The conversation has only just begun- keep the dialog open. I'd recommend doing some reading- my favorite book on the subject is The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is supposed to be good, as is More Than Two (though I personally disagree with a lot of the stuff on their website, My ex-husband (ex for other reasons) would joke about having a second wife for us, and eventually approached me about a one-off with a woman. It took me 6 months to even consider it. I also realized I couldn't handle a one-time thing. I need more connection than that, especially with a woman; the connection with a woman is so different from that with a man. In my case, my ex wasn't okay with me having a separate relationship, only okay if he was involved, too. We did ultimately search for, and find, that. We had several first dates, one 6 month relationship, and one woman we dated a few times. I think each time, the women were ultimately turned off by my ex (he's a narcissist, and not particularly attractive). When we first fooled around with the woman we dated for 6 months, I was VERY self-conscious about my body, because of the mom pooch, but also because I had a lot of loose skin from losing weight. She was slender and had perky boobs and all that, but I was relieved to see that she had a mom pooch, too! I'd never been body-conscious with guys, but there was something about being with a woman that made me a lot more self-conscious. Frankly, any woman who would judge you for your body like that isn't worth getting naked with. So, back to your situation, give yourself time to process all this, do lots of research (you'll see TONS of stories about this on this site) to help mitigate for the common mistakes, and keep talking. Boundaries/agreements are CRUCIAL, and all of the resources about this talk a lot about them. You may find that this actually adds some spark to your marriage, too. Don't force anything, and don't pursue anything you're not ready to pursue. FWIW, there are A LOT of women out there in the same situation who are looking for women like you, who also prioritize their existing marriages and families, and just want something on the side. Not a lot of single women will want this, but a lot of married/attached women do. And few of them have perfect bodies.
  20. Welcome! Hopefully you've figured out that this is a wonderful place for support from other women who can relate. When you're ready, you can always share your experience in another thread (check out the Share Your Experiences forum). There is a lot of helpful guidance in How Our Forum Works, as well as the site rules, which are always good to review. It can be tough to grapple with these feelings, especially when you're married. You don't have to know what you want, but it might be a good thing to figure out for yourself- is this something you want to actually explore with another woman, or are you okay with keeping things as they are? It's great to have a place for support like this, where others are in similar situations, and you can talk to women from all walks of life, and who range anywhere from keeping this entirely to herself because it's not safe to be out to living in a polyamorous arrangement and everything in between. Enjoy the site!
  21. I got a lot from men, even though I was clearly only looking for women. I stopped logging in a long time ago.
  22. I identify as gay, but if you want to get down to brass tacks, it would probably be more “homoflexible”. When I joined the site, I was married for a guy, and I was on the search for a woman as well. But I had identified as gay before I was married. I’d had terrible luck meeting women, and out of loneliness and frustration, opened back up to guys, and met a very abusive man who exploited my vulnerability. I felt like I shouldn’t leave him because of my sexuality, as I’d known before I met him, but he was so awful to me that I did eventually leave. I knew that when I left him, it would be women only moving forward. I’ve had two relationships since my marriage ended, and they have both felt like they fit more than anything with a man did. The woman I’m with now makes me happier than I ever knew I could be.
  23. When I identified as bi, I was pretty out, even at work. I was pretty open about being in a triad when my ex and I were in one. I’m totally out as gay.
  24. I think you can have genuine feelings for more than one person, but it takes work to balance the two, and it’s not for everyone. In my case, I knew that I wanted a woman to be my one and only. I have tried poly relationships before, but I’m just not built that way. It’s really hard to stifle those feelings, and impossible to not have them affect your marriage in one way or another. Have you read The Ethical Slut? I’d highly recommend it.
  25. I think the more out you are with your circle, the more bi women you will find you already know or are already connected to. When I was married, and we were in a triad, I was floored how many women were looking for the same thing, had done it, were interested, etc. Way more women were bi than I’d realized! By being out, you give others a safe place to talk about it. In addition to, even Facebook sometimes has local social gatherings and groups for bi and lesbian women. Be honest about your sexuality and situation- no one likes someone who is intentionally dishonest. There are women who won’t be judgmental about your sexuality. Just keep looking. Try the group that far from home, too. You never know who might know some more local resources for you.