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Found 6 results

  1. Good day, ladies. I have anxiety and depression, and I swear my studies in mental health have made me more and more aware of how mental illnesses can indeed affect our lives if we are not careful and don't have strategies in place to combat it. I've been with my therapist for 3 years, and I have come a long way, especially since my father died 4 years ago. It's like a battle, but with parts of those battles that I've slain evil dragons that try to creep up and tell me that I'm worthless or that I should worry about stupid shit. Honestly, I just hate when it attacks at random moments either by triggers, or it just shows up. Like today... Today started out as an okay day. After I'd received some mild news about some mundane thing in the world, my brain goes, "ah yes...although this isn't that much of a terrible thing, let's dwell on that and bring in other shit that has nothing to do with why we want to make you feel like crap today! Yay!" Ughhhh! No one has been attacking me at all. No one has triggered anything. This is all me. Usually, I distract myself by talking to my husband who makes me laugh or surfing through my other social media sites and finding funny memes. Nope. After I've laughed, it just sticks. I know it will go away, eventually, but ugh. I will say that I'm yet again irritated by the fact that I've tried to be more proactive in my search for another partner, but my efforts were in vain. I need to go on more outings with my special interest groups, but they only have it once a month. Then I literally just found out that they canceled this month's meeting due to our country's Independence Day on July 4th. *falls to my knees and cries* I was looking forward to meeting more people...this sucks horribly. I was looking forward to meeting some more people and making some acquaintances, and it just all gets snuffed out. I've taken breaks, and I swear, I don't have many friends with whom share my same or similar orientation and/or lifestyle. It's hard. It sucks being a bi, poly and married woman. I swear people think I'm a disease. I think I'm primarily angry at that. Being Bisexual, Polyamorous, and Married Sucks Why does it suck? It's not because I don't like being bisexual, married, and polyamorous. Oh no, personally, I love my orientation and my lifestyle. What sucks is that other people don't like it. This is a problem because I can BARELY find people who want to date me. They assume too much about me. The following assumptions prevent me from finding anyone: 1. "You're just another unicorn hunter." This is far from the truth. While not judging those who practice unicorn hunting, I personally am not interested in finding another partner for the mere pleasures of having a threesome. No. It is not a sexual thing. Will people believe me? Nope. They still think about the last time they were with a married woman, and that married woman betrayed them. Kind of like how some lesbians refuse to date bisexual women because the last one betrayed them and left them for a man. That's pretty much how this assumption goes. 2. "This is just a glorified way of cheating. You are unhappy with your husband." FFS, people do not understand the definition of what it means to be polyamorous. It is NOT cheating. Cheating is a form of DECEPTION. Nothing is deceiving about being polyamorous. If you are misleading people and you claim to be polyamorous, I've got one thing to say to you, "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" 3. "I don't think you would have time for me. Plus, I don't want to get jealous or anything." One, you don't know me well enough to know whether or not I have time for you. Plus, I've managed time to talk to you, so I believe I'm good at managing my time. Two, jealousy arises in monogamous AND polyamorous relationships. How you deal with jealousy is what makes the relationship either stronger or weaker. In polyamory, we talk about it and find the catalyst from where the jealousy arose. Then we combat it. However, if you're that worried about being jealous, then why are you talking to me in the first place? Those are my top three that prevent me from merely getting a damn date. It makes me want to give up. It makes me want to just begrudgingly be monogamous to prevent any more irritation with my search of another partner. Seriously, I don't know what to do. It's a coin toss. Issues that arise when I DO find someone: 1. They think I'm a solution to their marital problems. My last ex-girlfriend was a piece of work. Although we communicated via online and phone for 3 months before our first date, she revealed all this shit about her husband and another woman who essentially was the catalyst for their marital problems. There were severe trust issues between her and her husband, and finally, I was like, "Are you even ready to add on another relationship in addition to the bs you're dealing with now??" Why I allowed myself to get into this situation, I have no idea. I'll take the blame for that one. I should have just said no. 2. They take advantage of me...or they try. I am not using the word advantage in a means of illegal activity, but I am talking about they use me for their own malicious needs and leave me dry. Same ex gf used me to advance herself in a field we both had an interest in, but she was aware I was trying to develop myself in this same area. She used MY resources to get her way into it and reap the benefits of my hard work. Yeah, she was a horrible person. 3. They magically do not have time for me or do not respect my life. I'm not talking occasionally. Life does happen, and sometimes there may be times when we won't talk. I'm talking about they can't even send a quick text to me. I've known a small percentage who have managed to keep in contact via text, and I was fine. The last few people have sucked at it. Their excuses where asinine too. It isn't fair that I devote some of my time to you, and you don't do the same to me. This is where I miss one of my exes because she was very good at ensuring that she made me feel loved and cared for. We were fine then. Unfortunately, she's the one that got away. The latter portion of this issue is that I cannot be as open as I'd like to be due to my job. It doesn't mean that I am ashamed of my partner; unfortunately, there are jobs out there who do not support the LGBTQ+ community nor do they support polyamorous dynamics. Until I get into my other career, I have to stay closeted. I do know LGBTQ friendly hangouts in my area, but that person has to be mindful of me. There was one girl who had an issue with this AND could not manage her time. She suddenly realized that she had parental responsibilities as well as had issues with me being partially closeted. She knew very well that she was a mother and that her child had needs. Why, all of a sudden, have they become more apparent when you deliberately took time out of your schedule to talk to me for nearly 2 damn months? Also, I hardly ever had issues with my partners knowing that I have to be partially closeted for job purposes, but this one girl was obnoxious. The simple answer "just don't work for them!" does not work anymore. I have responsibilities to meet and bills to pay. Are you going to pay my bills? No. Either deal with it or leave. She chose to leave. Goodbye. Have a nice life! 4. The one that got away... These are people who I matched with, but due to some life circumstances, we were better off separated. This sucks. This hurts more because I've developed an attachment to them, and it's like...gah. I was so close! Sheesh! Oh well. I shall continue to torture myself by not giving up and trying again while taking breaks. Surely there is someone out there who will respect me and my dynamics. Strangely men tend to be a bit more open than women, but I have met those men who feel similarly about the jealousy part. I just hate when I meet men who try to compare themselves to my husband. It is not a fucking competition! Why do they even do that? They try to see whose cock is bigger instead of caring about being in a relationship with me. Then they worry constantly about whether my husband knows or not. If I tell them that I've spoken with and showed their picture to my husband, then why do they constantly worry? I have daily conversations with my husband, and we talk about the partners with whom we are either interested. Where is the issue? Why keep asking if you know I regularly communicate with my husband? There is no issue! Get over it! I think that, largely, they're not used to it and someone has betrayed them in the past. Aye, there's the rub. Anyway, onward march. I think talking about this has helped me minimize my depressive symptoms. Although it is not completely gone, I can still be glad that I feel a small percentage better having written this out and seeing it clearly in black and white. Perhaps I can find more online poly groups. I just wish there was a local poly community where I can have friends who are poly and just talk to them and vent. Namaste, Bella
  2. I'm sitting in a library and I'm typing this out. I have realized today that my fears are taking over my life; see, I have a fear of "looking dumb" or "stupid." If i were to be in danger and had to ask someone for help, I'd choose to continue to be in danger because asking someone for help is something very hard for me to do. Just now, I avoided going to the restroom because there was a group of ladies blocking a hallway and I didn't want to look like I didn't know where I was going (I didn't). These fears hold me back much of the time. I have trouble trying new machines at the gym I find myself going to the gym very early because there are less people at the gym during this time I avoid going to the "front" of the gym where the mirrors are at (and where I need to view my form) because it's highly visible. I would much rather shrink in comfort than expand in the uncertainty of what would be growth. A lot of this stems from my mom. "You look like a dork" or "What are you? Weak?" are many things I heard in childhood. I was constantly shrinking down for her. To do what she wanted and to be how she expected me to be. As an adult though, this voice in my head (which is very much what I heard as a kid) is leaving me perpetually exhausted. I have big dreams and large aspirations, much of which include being in the public eye. At this point, how am I going to accomplish that when I don't want to be seen in a "negative" light by anyone (by making a mistake or having to ask for help or directions), which means I won't allow myself to be in a positive light (and fulfill my hopes, dreams, and wishes). To go anywhere new and for me to feel "safe," I often have to take my ex-husband. He's pretty agreeable with this, but he doesn't get the point. When going to a new environment, I could easily panic. How to get there? Will I get there late? Will I fall on my way in? Who will I talk to? Will something embarrassing happen, like my stomach grown in a quiet room? It's fucking tiring. Once I get there (to whatever place) I'm going and get settled, I'm absolutely fine. I get along well and am quite outgoing. Even as I sit and type this while in the library, I worry. How do I look? Are my shorts too short? Am I attractive enough? How's my hair? Like ANYONE is even looking at me and also, why should I care? In the past few weeks, some things have happened with my mom that leave me a bit uncomfortable.. At a group lunch, I walked up to a full table and my mom said- very loudly- "Damn! With all that weight you lost, I have bigger boobs than you! What happened to them?" Weeks later, she told me I shouldn't lose anymore weight (with the inference that my face is too gaunt, thereby, I look older). A week ago I ordered a shirt through her web-site that says: "I'm his gay friend. He's single, ladies!" My ex is always accusing me (jokingly) of cock blocking him. I ordered the shirt to wear while out in public. My mom said, "I don't know. I'd personally be very embarrassed to be with you if I were him." These comments, which are minute in their individuality, seem to gain in strength when added together. I carry her voice around everywhere I go. It's hard for me to go to new places. Meet new people. I find that I'm very judgement myself, a trait I am not proud of, as i feel we judge people based on what we think of ourselves. I sincerely want to get past this. I don't do therapy anymore, as that has run its course for me. Does this resonate with anyone else? I know I'm going to have to force myself to "get out there." My ex-husband did a lot for me. This was also done in a controlling way, as I had complete and utter dependence on him. Now that I'm trying to get where I need to go, these challenges can be daunting and as an adult, it's very hard to admit them. Most days, I'm harsh with myself and unforgiving, but today I realized that when people are harsh with me, I shrink down. How do I not do the same for myself when I'm harsh about the mistakes I make? I dunno. I'm trying my best. It can seem like a lot at times.
  3. Greetings, ladies, It has been a long while since I've been an active poster here. I've been going through so many life changes that it just feels so crazy. I decided to leave Shys for a long while after being involved with someone whom I'm thankfully still friends with because they're a wonderful person. I've met other people after them who just weren't right for me. Finally, I meet this beautiful woman who was close to a perfect match I could ever have. She lived 30 minutes away from me and understood me and all my quirky, persnickety ways. She could read my reactions like crazy in a matter of the few months we started talking to each other. We decided to go on a date, and it was phenomenal! It was perfect timing because I had not gone back to grad school yet and it was summer vacation for my job. Time allowed me to have this chance to meet someone amazing. After the date, it confirmed that we were totally right for each other. That was until we started hammering out some things that might interfere with our relationship: time. She was an at home mother and worked from home. Very dedicated to her work, and between her balancing life with her child and work, it was difficult. The thing that bothered me though wasn't the inability to go out on dates all the time, but how we had managed to text each other the whole time we were getting to know each other before the date, but suddenly, the texting and calls went down dramatically after the date. I remember asking her if she was still interested, and she claimed that she was more than impressed with me and that our date confirmed that she was definitely into me. She even commented several times that she wanted another date with me. Every time I tried to plan one, the date never got confirmed...then, Hurricane Harvey came. That damn hurricane fucked up EVERYTHING! She ended up evacuating while I stayed behind because our area wasn't that bad. We were only able to text the whole time. We checked on each other throughout the storm to make sure the other was alright. When she came back, we talked for about another week and then we finally had a conversation that ended at 3 am one morning, which resulted in her saying, not verbatim, "I feel so horrible that I cannot meet your needs. You deserve more than this and I'm not giving enough. I think this will not work because I'm unsure of what is going to happen in the future and I don't want you waiting for me. I think we should separate." So, there goes the one person whom I felt I could be myself around outside of my primary. I still feel a little bitter (and I had to leave out a lot of the details to protect the identity of the person), but still I just...ugh. Breakups suck...I really wish I could meet someone in my state who is ready for a relationship. I hate how in the beginning, she seemed so ready for a relationship and even said she was ready, but then it all changed suddenly. Again, a lot of details have been left out of this story. I'm trying to be hopeful, but I keep meeting people who claim they are ready for a relationship, but when faced with one, they all of a sudden aren't ready, and I get hurt in the process. Anyway, that is my crazy soap opera life. Lol! I just need encouragement. I am poly, and I would like to have another partner. I just can't seem to find the right one in my area. Bella
  4. I'm about 9 months in to my first proper relationship with a girl. We met online, and live 50 mins' drive / 25 mins' train ride apart. She is so committed, loving, caring, accepting and encouraging. My heart is with her, as I tell her often. However, my head questions how long we can stay together and how sensible our pairing is. See, she suffers with anxiety and I have had limited experience of this in a relationship context. Two of my best mates suffer from it, but that's a whole different kettle of fish to your significant other suffering from it. She never takes it out on me, but life is always difficult for her. It's always a struggle, and she always *needs* me. She is the icing on my cake, but I am her sponge, cream and icing, and that's a tall order to fulfil. I'm not actually looking for advice, here. I'm just reflecting that my time with her is really sweet: lovely kisses, and I love waking up next to her, but I have fallen into a role of mothering her. In part, that does suit me, because with boyfriends I've always resisted them mothering me as I'm quite independent. But, on the other hand, I have already been held back by her, while that has never happened with a boyfriend. I was considering spending a year in another city, for university, and she couldn't handle it. I watched a clip on Oprah about a woman who had a gf aged 19 but it didn't work out because the gf relied on her for her mental stability, and so the lady swore off same sex relationships until she realised that she didn't have the requisite feelings for her husband and father of her children, so she is now with a new lady who does make her happy. She has a tough time at work but she struggles to take any positive action e.g. look for another job / call a meeting with her manager about her concerns. She also has phobias about health professionals, which lands her in tricky situations when she doesn't get minor ailments seen to. The bottom line, I think, is that I'm concerned about how my life might be negatively impacted through remaining with her, I need someone strong and supportive to bring children up with. I need someone who can look after themselves. She has been without a lightbulb in her bedroom for as long as I can remember. I don't mean to sound mean. She is the most genuine and loving person I know. But my mum suffers from anxiety and my poor dad has a lot to deal with as a result. I'm also scared that I might become anxious myself, over time. I went on holiday with my BFF recently and I started saying "I'm scared" about going to speak to people to ask for help / directions etc. That is very worrying, as I'm relatively self-sufficient, and am much more gutsy than many females I know. I went backpacking on my own when I was 18, and I've been on two snowboarding holidays with people I'd never before met. So, in conclusion, I love her dearly and would love to remain in her life, but I have to look at the affect / impact she is having on me. The feelings are there, but we are quite like chalk and cheese: I'm very active and she literally doesn't know how to jump. Like, jump on the spot. And she walks very very slowly. I always compare it to a boy who has his first gf. He looks past all of the glaringly obvious mismatches in personality because he just really wants a gf and he's been missing out for all of his life. I have to say, this experience has taught me that my absolute ideal is to have a boyfriend / husband + a really lovely close female friend whom I can kiss and cuddle but who has their own boyfriend / husband. Thanks for reading! PS, She's just this minute texted to say that she's anxious about tomorrow (back to work tomorrow). I told her not to worry her life away. PPS. I also feel as though I could have fallen into the trap of being ruled by anxiety before now, but that I do lots every day to ensure that I avoid it, e.g. positive thinking, lots of exercise, lots of social interactions, and I feel as though I am vulnerable to suffering from anxiety myself, as I have done in the past. And, I'll be no good to her if I start feeling the same way. Nope, you need to put yourself first in life, because if you won't then who will. And I need (and want) someone who finds fun and daftness in life, not worry and panic. My mum has anxiety and depression, and growing up this unsettled me. I was so protective over my mum. Things are currently OK with my gf but I can see her becoming more dependent, and me becoming more like I used to be, feeling worried for my mum. Thanks, y'all! I know what I need to be happy, now
  5. So in light of current events, in my life and others (I live in one of the areas Harvey destroyed), I have been thinking a lot about the saying, "straw that broke the camel's back." I realize that sometimes when people give in, give up or walk away, there is a reaction of, "it really wasn't that big of a deal" and sometimes the last thing wasn't anything earth shattering. However, sometimes it is an accumulation of small things, or a combination of large and small things that bring a person to their breaking point. And sometimes it only takes a small thing to break what little composure that person had. Sometimes that little "piece of straw" weighs more than you could ever imagine. Food for thought.
  6. So as the title says, these are some thoughts that have been floating around in my head and I can't stop thinking about this... So here goes... 1. The fact that I'm not out keeps popping up in my head. I keep thinking about how I eventually want a relationship and it would be easier to be out and dating, but I know I'm not ready to..there are times that I feel like I'm in my own world and yet on one level that is where I need to be because I'm working on accepting myself and I realized today that when I was out with my mom and sister in law that I was checking out the girl who brought our drinks and at one point I thought she was checking me back out too:)... Anywho, it sometimes feels like I'm not being myself because I'm not out, but right now I don't need the stress of telling my brother and sister in law,,,I'm still working on things such as letting people do there own thing and if there not accepting, letting it be there issue and not mine.. I know that I am bi and clearly feel myself getting more comfortable checking out girls and so it's a step in the right direction..but I'm not sure I want to share this stuff with them... I also am thinking that I need to meet other bi people online and get a sense of friends and have people to talk to about this stuff and that is what I used to love about a former best friend of mine and there are times that I feel so shy about all this and my former friend and I could talk about all sorts of stuff and we were really close and I miss that. I try to do some things we used to do and keep thinking I could do more... It's like how do you meet other people- when you are mostly limited to online and so it goes...maybe I need to blog more about thoughts like this when they come in my head...