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Found 2 results

  1. For some time now, at least a decade, I have balked at the idea of a soul mate. The idea of a one and only seems ludicrous to me, especially given how we change over time and in the presence of different people. You will draw something out of me that another wouldn't, and so to me we seem to spend our lives caroming off one another and occasionally ending up in a pocket*. That's not to say that there isn't commitment, true love, or any of those other familiar terms, but maybe I'm too firmly rooted in this plane of reality to allow for the more spiritual exploration that those words entail? Like most other Big Thoughts that I dance with I tuck it into the "Maybe, But Whatever" category. But then again words also have different meanings based on who is using them, right? Maybe you believe in or know that soul mates exist and your definition of it is different than mine. So here's the rub: what does the term "soul mate" mean to you, and is it real? Can you have more than one? Do they last forever? And what do you mark on your tax return? GO! (for me if I find the word "soul mate" bubbling up in my brain I know that someone is activating me in a manic, nearly mystical way. It means I'm curious, I want to know more, I want to try harder, go farther, etc...but put a ring on my soul? Nah. She's interested in things I can't even wrest from unconsciousness to fully understand.) *I must miss playing pool.
  2. It's been months since my last entry, and I've honestly missed being brutally honest on here. So much has happened, almost all of it a mess. My friend, who I fell hard for, told me to pursue relationships because she saw me as just a friend. Still, she acted weird every single time I started talking to someone, male or female. I tried to maintain, and I accepted that I probably wouldn't be with anyone. I was accepting that I had come out as bisexual, people were generally accepting, and I continued to work hard in therapy. While doing some activities completely alone, I met someone. A beautiful man who wanted nothing more than to make me happy, to show me that I could be vulnerable, that not everything had to be scary, He asked me to just give him a chance, and I said we would get nowhere without complete honesty. With nothing to lose, I told him everything. Everything that hurt, everything I had been through, every reason I could not possibly be a good girlfriend. Most of all, I bit the bullet and told him that I was bisexual. I had never told a potential partner this, and he had reasonable questions. How many women had I been with? Did I try to be with women? If we have a real future together, am I ever going to regret not being with a woman, because he wants 100% commitment? I answered every question honestly, including assuring him that if I was with ANYONE I would want 100% commitment too. He was looking to settle down, plan for a family, and it felt so natural. We've now been together almost six months, The painful part comes in about three months ago when my friend, my crush, decided that I was not there for her enough. She felt uncomfortable with my relationships elsewhere; she said I was forgetting her and leaving her behind. Instead of talking to her about my pains, I shared everything with my boyfriend. Then, she observed me with a group of friends - having a good time - and said she had lost me. I tried to explain; we argued, screaming and crying, for hours with no resolution. I finally said, "I can't do this anymore. I need you to realize you are wrong on this one. It isn't fair what you're doing." She said I needed to do the exact same thing. I concluded, "I have to let you go." We have not talked since. I had already paid for an expensive vacation which I took on my own, and it was so weird to know that she and I will never talk again. I explained to my boyfriend that ALL of this was complicated; he took the embarrassing details far better than I would've had the roles been reversed. I hate that I feel like I ruined everything with that friend by admitting the truth; however, I am so lucky. I have met the absolute love of my life. He has shown me so much peace and acceptance that I've fallen so deep in love. It worked out for the best, and I'm glad I'm out. It is just that now I have completely new fears. This man wants to be married, to have kids, and grow old together. I am terrified to be intimate again, especially since I've only been with one person - a violent, abusive man. I am terrified I will be a terrible wife, terrible mother. But I want this life...I want to be with him. I don't want to be afraid anymore. If I made it through the pain of losing a woman who I was sure would always be in my life, I know I can face these new fears. Wish me luck!