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  1. Good day, ladies. I have anxiety and depression, and I swear my studies in mental health have made me more and more aware of how mental illnesses can indeed affect our lives if we are not careful and don't have strategies in place to combat it. I've been with my therapist for 3 years, and I have come a long way, especially since my father died 4 years ago. It's like a battle, but with parts of those battles that I've slain evil dragons that try to creep up and tell me that I'm worthless or that I should worry about stupid shit. Honestly, I just hate when it attacks at random moments either by triggers, or it just shows up. Like today... Today started out as an okay day. After I'd received some mild news about some mundane thing in the world, my brain goes, "ah yes...although this isn't that much of a terrible thing, let's dwell on that and bring in other shit that has nothing to do with why we want to make you feel like crap today! Yay!" Ughhhh! No one has been attacking me at all. No one has triggered anything. This is all me. Usually, I distract myself by talking to my husband who makes me laugh or surfing through my other social media sites and finding funny memes. Nope. After I've laughed, it just sticks. I know it will go away, eventually, but ugh. I will say that I'm yet again irritated by the fact that I've tried to be more proactive in my search for another partner, but my efforts were in vain. I need to go on more outings with my special interest groups, but they only have it once a month. Then I literally just found out that they canceled this month's meeting due to our country's Independence Day on July 4th. *falls to my knees and cries* I was looking forward to meeting more people...this sucks horribly. I was looking forward to meeting some more people and making some acquaintances, and it just all gets snuffed out. I've taken breaks, and I swear, I don't have many friends with whom share my same or similar orientation and/or lifestyle. It's hard. It sucks being a bi, poly and married woman. I swear people think I'm a disease. I think I'm primarily angry at that. Being Bisexual, Polyamorous, and Married Sucks Why does it suck? It's not because I don't like being bisexual, married, and polyamorous. Oh no, personally, I love my orientation and my lifestyle. What sucks is that other people don't like it. This is a problem because I can BARELY find people who want to date me. They assume too much about me. The following assumptions prevent me from finding anyone: 1. "You're just another unicorn hunter." This is far from the truth. While not judging those who practice unicorn hunting, I personally am not interested in finding another partner for the mere pleasures of having a threesome. No. It is not a sexual thing. Will people believe me? Nope. They still think about the last time they were with a married woman, and that married woman betrayed them. Kind of like how some lesbians refuse to date bisexual women because the last one betrayed them and left them for a man. That's pretty much how this assumption goes. 2. "This is just a glorified way of cheating. You are unhappy with your husband." FFS, people do not understand the definition of what it means to be polyamorous. It is NOT cheating. Cheating is a form of DECEPTION. Nothing is deceiving about being polyamorous. If you are misleading people and you claim to be polyamorous, I've got one thing to say to you, "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" 3. "I don't think you would have time for me. Plus, I don't want to get jealous or anything." One, you don't know me well enough to know whether or not I have time for you. Plus, I've managed time to talk to you, so I believe I'm good at managing my time. Two, jealousy arises in monogamous AND polyamorous relationships. How you deal with jealousy is what makes the relationship either stronger or weaker. In polyamory, we talk about it and find the catalyst from where the jealousy arose. Then we combat it. However, if you're that worried about being jealous, then why are you talking to me in the first place? Those are my top three that prevent me from merely getting a damn date. It makes me want to give up. It makes me want to just begrudgingly be monogamous to prevent any more irritation with my search of another partner. Seriously, I don't know what to do. It's a coin toss. Issues that arise when I DO find someone: 1. They think I'm a solution to their marital problems. My last ex-girlfriend was a piece of work. Although we communicated via online and phone for 3 months before our first date, she revealed all this shit about her husband and another woman who essentially was the catalyst for their marital problems. There were severe trust issues between her and her husband, and finally, I was like, "Are you even ready to add on another relationship in addition to the bs you're dealing with now??" Why I allowed myself to get into this situation, I have no idea. I'll take the blame for that one. I should have just said no. 2. They take advantage of me...or they try. I am not using the word advantage in a means of illegal activity, but I am talking about they use me for their own malicious needs and leave me dry. Same ex gf used me to advance herself in a field we both had an interest in, but she was aware I was trying to develop myself in this same area. She used MY resources to get her way into it and reap the benefits of my hard work. Yeah, she was a horrible person. 3. They magically do not have time for me or do not respect my life. I'm not talking occasionally. Life does happen, and sometimes there may be times when we won't talk. I'm talking about they can't even send a quick text to me. I've known a small percentage who have managed to keep in contact via text, and I was fine. The last few people have sucked at it. Their excuses where asinine too. It isn't fair that I devote some of my time to you, and you don't do the same to me. This is where I miss one of my exes because she was very good at ensuring that she made me feel loved and cared for. We were fine then. Unfortunately, she's the one that got away. The latter portion of this issue is that I cannot be as open as I'd like to be due to my job. It doesn't mean that I am ashamed of my partner; unfortunately, there are jobs out there who do not support the LGBTQ+ community nor do they support polyamorous dynamics. Until I get into my other career, I have to stay closeted. I do know LGBTQ friendly hangouts in my area, but that person has to be mindful of me. There was one girl who had an issue with this AND could not manage her time. She suddenly realized that she had parental responsibilities as well as had issues with me being partially closeted. She knew very well that she was a mother and that her child had needs. Why, all of a sudden, have they become more apparent when you deliberately took time out of your schedule to talk to me for nearly 2 damn months? Also, I hardly ever had issues with my partners knowing that I have to be partially closeted for job purposes, but this one girl was obnoxious. The simple answer "just don't work for them!" does not work anymore. I have responsibilities to meet and bills to pay. Are you going to pay my bills? No. Either deal with it or leave. She chose to leave. Goodbye. Have a nice life! 4. The one that got away... These are people who I matched with, but due to some life circumstances, we were better off separated. This sucks. This hurts more because I've developed an attachment to them, and it's like...gah. I was so close! Sheesh! Oh well. I shall continue to torture myself by not giving up and trying again while taking breaks. Surely there is someone out there who will respect me and my dynamics. Strangely men tend to be a bit more open than women, but I have met those men who feel similarly about the jealousy part. I just hate when I meet men who try to compare themselves to my husband. It is not a fucking competition! Why do they even do that? They try to see whose cock is bigger instead of caring about being in a relationship with me. Then they worry constantly about whether my husband knows or not. If I tell them that I've spoken with and showed their picture to my husband, then why do they constantly worry? I have daily conversations with my husband, and we talk about the partners with whom we are either interested. Where is the issue? Why keep asking if you know I regularly communicate with my husband? There is no issue! Get over it! I think that, largely, they're not used to it and someone has betrayed them in the past. Aye, there's the rub. Anyway, onward march. I think talking about this has helped me minimize my depressive symptoms. Although it is not completely gone, I can still be glad that I feel a small percentage better having written this out and seeing it clearly in black and white. Perhaps I can find more online poly groups. I just wish there was a local poly community where I can have friends who are poly and just talk to them and vent. Namaste, Bella
  2. I never thought I'd do a post like this. But it's something I feel more than one of you can relate to. And it might be some comfort to know that you are not alone with these feelings. The things that lay in the dark, best left not given voice to for fear you will break someone else's reality, when all you do is want to scream, or want to cry, or worse want to fold it all in on itself, pack it in and want to die. As much as this may help, it may also hurt, so major [TRIGGER WARNING] to anyone who suffers from depression or is suicidal. Don't watch or listen to the videos contained herein BEFORE the break (the first 4 spoken word pieces, or quotes, some may find triggering...the 3 music videos at end should be fine, but you may or may not like depending on your taste.) if you can't handle hearing things that sound too much like what is in your head, or mine...Please don't hurt yourself and know you are not alone. Others of us struggle just to live sometimes, often, or nearly everyday. I know it might sound trite to you, as everyone likes to say this, but take it from someone who knows firsthand what you are going through: It's an uphill battle but it can get better so long as you don't throw your life away. Time changes everything, and we always feel differently in time. Please don't make an impulsive decision based on the pain you feel in the moment because our situations are forever changing and making a permanent and irrevocable decision in such a time should never be the answer, no matter how badly you wish for it, or think it so in the heat of the moment. There are people who care, people you might not even yet know, people who will miss you. Even if it feels like there's no one, and can never be, and you are nothing but a burden, or worthless, or whatever other pretty lies fill your mind from your Depressive Side. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and resolves nothing except leaving an empty space were you used to be in this world. Others will grieve you, miss you, be heartbroken, and you won't be around to see it, to know that these same people would likely have tried to comfort you if only they had known something was wrong sooner. Talk to a friend, family member, or anyone you can trust to listen, or baring that try to find something creative to channel your feelings into, if you can, be it art, music, writing, or whatever works for you. It can really help. Or you can use one of the resources below if you aren't sure who else to turn to or where else to turn. Here are some resources for you in case this sounds too much like you, please reach out, even if everything in you is telling you not to, even if you're feeling so low it may seem pointless. Talking to someone, anyone, is so much better than the alternative: PHONE NUMBERS: Argentina: +5402234930430 Australia: 131114 Austria: 017133374 Belgium: 106 Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05 Botswana: 3911270 Brazil: 212339191 Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal) Croatia: 014833888 Denmark: +4570201201 Egypt: 7621602 Estonia: 3726558088; in Russian 3726555688 Finland: 010 195 202 France: 0145394000 Germany: 08001810771 Holland: 09000767 Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000 Hungary: 116123 India: 8888817666 Ireland: +4408457909090 Italy: 800860022 Japan: +810352869090 Mexico: 5255102550 New Zealand: 045861048 Norway: +4781533300 Philippines: 028969191 Poland: 5270000 Portugal: 21 854 07 40/8 . 96 898 21 50 Russia: 0078202577577 Spain: 914590050 South Africa: 0514445691 Sweden: 46317112400 Switzerland: 143 United Kingdom: 08457909090 USA: 18002738255 Veterans' Crisis Line: 1 800 273 8255/ text 838255 For other suicide resources and hotlines broken down by region, or may not have been in this list, go here: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html Now onto the today's entry: ... "You are a good person. An extraordinary person. Don't you forget that." A normal person would feel comforted, possibly uplifted or even dare I say hopeful after hearing those words. Not me. I can't because they come at the worst time for me, when I am down, it's like being trapped in Bizarro World, inside your own head. Blessings become curses, and you would rather see yourself dead. When really, like most everyone with such morbid thoughts creeping around in their brain, it's the opposite that is slowly driving them insane. As much as they feel like they should die, it's really just a cry for help from our souls screaming "I want to live!" Just give me a reason to. Anything, a sign, that this will pass in time and there will come a better tomorrow... But instead "You are a good person. An extraordinary person. Don't you forget that." becomes: Me wanting to cry, feeling like I'm so unworthy and undeserving of that statement even if I do deserve it, I can't feel it, feel that way. It feels like a lie even if it's not. How can I keep loving others, keep trying, keep giving myself away, when deep down inside the secret I try to hide is -I HATE Myself- - And it becomes more apparent everyday as more stressors in my life makes more things unstable triggering my Depression, and it becomes harder to hold at bay. But I can't afford to lose this battle with myself because what that might mean. But if this isn't you, you can't understand where I'm coming from, so here I invite you to explore the videos below. It's not exactly the same as what goes on in my head, but it comes frighteningly close, the thought process, but the sentiments are the same, the words are, the same, it's all the same at it's core...desperately needing things to change, feeling lost and alone, swallowed by despair, and if any of you have ever felt this way, this will no doubt seem familiar to you in the same way we always look at Depression and say: "Hello, Darkness, my old friend, come to see me once again..." - Things may get worse, before they get better, but they always will. Life is cyclic. We have to change that hateful voice in our head, replace it with kinder things. We have to find the excuses to get out of bed, and face the day. We have to remember what life was like, when our passions rode us, made us take delight in all Life's special moments that have come before us. It is always darkest before the dawn, but within us all lies the strength to carry on. -
  3. This post is going to be far different and more ugly than my last post. I let some friends of mine know how I'm struggling right now. These are online friends, I still haven't had the guts to let people who see in person how hard I'm struggling. How hard it is to keep going. A part of me wants to hide it from them. Another part doesn't want them to think I want attention. But mainly, I don't want them to worry about me, they have enough to worry about and me not adding more stress for them. Today I got hit hard again. Right now I should be freaking out, but it's like I don't give a fuck what happens. I want to give up, to lie down and stop trying. I want to just end it all. However, I can't do it. I can't leave my sister who just had her baby. The thought of hurting her kills me. The thought of hurting my mom, my other sister and my niece is unbearable. Plus I was raised as a Christian, so the thought of going to Hell, makes me afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up from this hole I've put myself in. It's hard, very hard. I signed up on a depression forum. I still haven't posted anything on there. Maybe this blog post is just me trying to reach out. Maybe I'm not actually as much done as I think I am. I'm scared at the fact that I'm not freaking out right now like I should be. I'm scared of this emptiness that is inside of me. I'm just scared...
  4. I recently found out that my friend is battling depression after a break up. She has told me she's had more bad days than good days since she and her ex split up a month ago. She also shared that during these bad days she has some very dark urges. Until a few days ago she has been able to fight the urge to cut, but she has lost that battle. This past weekend she cut herself for the first time. The marks are superficials and drew no blood. So they won't leave any scars. I am worried about her. She has never had to handle anything like this before. This is her first break up and she is a few years shy of 40. This is the second person she has ever fallen in love with. She had very strong feelings for her ex. The break up for the most part was clean. The ex chose her family (husband/son) over my friend and my friend understands why. It just doesn't make some of her feelings instantly go away or lessen the pain she is experiencing. She told that going through this was tougher than her dealing with the emotional roller coaster of accepting herself and coming out. Part of my friend's problem is that never she learned any coping skills when she was younger to handle a situation like this. The last time she had these urges she was at work. She doesn't really get any breaks or lunch. She works at an office so she it at her desk all day long and gets interrupted constantly. She tried doing what her therapist suggested (writing down the lyrics to a song) to distract herself. She attempted several time but failed. Until she can get back in with her therapist is there any other coping skills she could try. Are there coping skills she could do especially some she can do at her desk? I'm concerned that my friend may cut again and this time much worse. Any suggestions to help my friend?
  5. For Christmas my aunt will be taking me to get my first tattoo! Its will be the semicolon because it is my way of saying that I accept my emotional state and not denying it. Im nervous for sure but she is paying for it so I'm taking the jump! I'm also a bit nervous though about the stereotype of dyed hair and tattoos on moms.....anyone have any tips and encouragement!!
  6. Hi everyone, This weekend I have been feeling very sad and just wanted to reach out, maybe see if people can relate to my situation. When I was a student I was always very ambitious and saw myself having a successful career, but I struggled to fit into the workplace and became clinically depressed at 22. Throughout my twenties and tried lots of different jobs and moved to a big city, got trained in a particular career but had a breakdown at 27 during the course and had to move back home with my parents. I spent the next few years getting treatment for depression, anxiety and OCD and had jobs on and off when I was well enough. Fast forward to today, I am 32, trained in a new field I love and have just set up a small business in this new field, but it is still too small to support myself to live independently so I am still at home with my parents. I am not clinically depressed anymore which is wonderful (I was lucky to have several courses of excellent therapy which helped me a lot) but I am getting treatment for panic and anxiety which is still making it hard to live a normal life, I don't have many friends, have been single for years and struggle with connecting with people and maintaining friendships, mainly due to my years of having to take time out to get better and also because I'm introverted so I enjoy spending most of my time alone doing creative projects and working on my business. Because of all of this my parents became my best friends, they are the only people I feel really love me, accept me and understand me. Last year my dad became ill and had to have an operation. He made it through and is doing really well, but it scared them and they are now talking about selling the house where we all live and getting two separate smaller places. I always dreamed of having my own place but them saying this has upset and worried me, because I feel like: - The family unit I belong to is disbanding - Worried I'll be really lonely on my own with hardly any friends - Worried about supporting myself financially - Worried about losing my parents - I finally found a career I love and work from home which I adore, and I'm worried about losing this if our housing situation changes Can anyone relate to this? I guess because I was ill and moved back in with my parents I became dependent on them again, and sort of returned to a second childhood in a way. I never planned for this to happen - I did very well in school and have always been very ambitious, so my struggle with employment and mental health was very unexpected. I know most people think it's healthy to move out and they are probably right, I just feel worried about the future since my attempts to be 'an adult' in the past resulted in a breakdown and years in and out of clinical, suicidal depression and panic attacks. I don't want to be on overgrown child, I'd love to make new friends, find a partner and learn to be a fully functioning adult again but I seem to find it very hard/an impossible dream despite repeatedly trying. Ultimately I'm very sad and worried about losing my parents and being totally alone in the world. I guess also, my current situation living at home has helped me to maintain my mental health and I'm worried that big changes will result in a relapse in depression. Thanks for listening, any supportive and kind advice would be much appreciated.
  7. Greetings, ladies, It has been a long while since I've been an active poster here. I've been going through so many life changes that it just feels so crazy. I decided to leave Shys for a long while after being involved with someone whom I'm thankfully still friends with because they're a wonderful person. I've met other people after them who just weren't right for me. Finally, I meet this beautiful woman who was close to a perfect match I could ever have. She lived 30 minutes away from me and understood me and all my quirky, persnickety ways. She could read my reactions like crazy in a matter of the few months we started talking to each other. We decided to go on a date, and it was phenomenal! It was perfect timing because I had not gone back to grad school yet and it was summer vacation for my job. Time allowed me to have this chance to meet someone amazing. After the date, it confirmed that we were totally right for each other. That was until we started hammering out some things that might interfere with our relationship: time. She was an at home mother and worked from home. Very dedicated to her work, and between her balancing life with her child and work, it was difficult. The thing that bothered me though wasn't the inability to go out on dates all the time, but how we had managed to text each other the whole time we were getting to know each other before the date, but suddenly, the texting and calls went down dramatically after the date. I remember asking her if she was still interested, and she claimed that she was more than impressed with me and that our date confirmed that she was definitely into me. She even commented several times that she wanted another date with me. Every time I tried to plan one, the date never got confirmed...then, Hurricane Harvey came. That damn hurricane fucked up EVERYTHING! She ended up evacuating while I stayed behind because our area wasn't that bad. We were only able to text the whole time. We checked on each other throughout the storm to make sure the other was alright. When she came back, we talked for about another week and then we finally had a conversation that ended at 3 am one morning, which resulted in her saying, not verbatim, "I feel so horrible that I cannot meet your needs. You deserve more than this and I'm not giving enough. I think this will not work because I'm unsure of what is going to happen in the future and I don't want you waiting for me. I think we should separate." So, there goes the one person whom I felt I could be myself around outside of my primary. I still feel a little bitter (and I had to leave out a lot of the details to protect the identity of the person), but still I just...ugh. Breakups suck...I really wish I could meet someone in my state who is ready for a relationship. I hate how in the beginning, she seemed so ready for a relationship and even said she was ready, but then it all changed suddenly. Again, a lot of details have been left out of this story. I'm trying to be hopeful, but I keep meeting people who claim they are ready for a relationship, but when faced with one, they all of a sudden aren't ready, and I get hurt in the process. Anyway, that is my crazy soap opera life. Lol! I just need encouragement. I am poly, and I would like to have another partner. I just can't seem to find the right one in my area. Bella
  8. I know you're not supposed to say that you are lonely..but I am. I feel like I'm becoming less of a human. Nothing matters without friends. Not pride certainly. I don't know what to do Maybe I should mention that I am depressed and look too crap to be in public.. My life is a mess I'm on these hormons that just makes me want to hug people and be super emotional. I cry without tears. When I watch movies.
  9. I've had a very rough few days... Something I say pretty often. More so these days. When anyone asks "How are you doing?" "How have you been?" "How's life treating you?" It's sometimes answered in the negative, awful, but mostly in a vague "Yeah fine" kinda way in order to avoid anyone probing for more. I don't see my accomplishments, what I've achieved, how far I've come, how much life has changed for the better, all I see is the darkness. Depression has been a cloud looming over my head for as long as I can remember. I often think if it wasn't for the pain him and I would have parted ways a long time ago. But then there's my BPD too, borderline personality disorder. It's often described as the emotional equivalent to third degree burns. Mix them both together, add chronic pain with no relief, and you get me. A train wreck. Maybe a hot mess is a nice way of putting it. But a mess none the same. Now I'm gonna try and focus on the positive for a moment, otherwise this will become a pity party real quick. The simple things most people go about doing every day, getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed, making something to eat, walking... They're all things I struggle with. If I've done all those things then that day is considered a success, a good day. I say this as I lie on my bed in my PJs, having not eaten because that was too much effort today. But the reason for this is because I was productive the last few days. I went out of my comfort zone and achieved something I never would have thought to ever do. I used my own initiative and progressed forward. So the pain I'm enduring now is partly because I did something good, something worthy of the pain that comes after. But how do you deal with the pain that's there not because you pushed yourself too hard and achieved something, but because this is something you have to deal with most days, something there isn't a magic pill for, or some form of relief, something that causes your mental health to deteriorate. What do you do when the pain is so intense that you feel like the only way to make it stop is to not be here anymore. That's happened to me many times before. This happened last night in fact. No one else was around and I thought to myself, I just want it to stop, who would care if I wasn't here anyway? I wasn't alone though, because I had my other half on the other end of the phone desperately trying to make me see the good things I have, how things aren't always gonna be dark, how bad days happen but we have to pull through them. She told me how she'd left her comfort zone and endured things she never thought she would because they positively affected us and our future. She told me how closer we get every day to being together every day. She stayed awake with me til late making me see that I am worth more than I believe I am. That I am loved, and needed, and appreciated. Even if I don't see it. She told me of how I've touched people's lives in amazing positive ways, including hers. That despite my negative upbringing I have worth and purpose. I reflect back to 2014 today, a particular day in January when I felt so worthless and useless that I made a status here because I hated myself so much, and I needed to vent that anger somewhere. I think about how that status brought into my life the caring wonderful woman above. How my depression and negative feelings brought something positive into my life, and how to this day she continues to be the positive to my negative. So maybe I suffered that day for a reason, maybe I was hurting so bad that it made me reach out in order to find something amazing. Maybe what I'm going through now has a reason, a purpose, maybe it doesn't, but if I don't stick around I'll never find out the answer. I'm often amazed at how kind people are to me, especially here, with their words and gestures. I find myself wondering why. I'm quite a moody, isolated closed off kind of person, who isn't particularly fond of being social. From my long conversation last night with my lady I've discovered something, that no matter how awful I feel, no matter how much I want to close myself off and be that moody awful person, I'm not. I put on a smile and I throw myself head first into people, I reach out and help, I offer my advice, my time, and this makes me see myself in a more positive light. Then this action is returned to me tenfold. But I've only now just seen it. So maybe being me isn't so bad after all, because it makes me a better person to those around me. It makes me, me.
  10. Here I am two years after the moment when I realized I had a crush on her - a crush which quickly became an infatuation which quickly became some kind of love feeling that exemplifies the French expression "j'en pince pour toi," which means "I'm in love with you," but which literally means, "I pinch (in the heart) for you" - and still everytime I see her I'm somehow able to keep my feelings relatively neatly in a box and not start sobbing in front of her (although recently I've been letting myself sob discretely when I'm around her and she's not looking at me - at least when I think she's not looking at me). I like the idea that one or two of my tears always rests on the dance floor when I'm gone, as an ode to my love for her, but I know they all dry up. Like my attempts to show her I like her (feeble though they are, I have been persistent) - they always seem to fall flat, somehow unreciprocated. Maybe she's just busy... There are moments, though, when I have remarked that I feel she is somehow open to me in an odd way that feels more intimate than what I see between her and other women. Maybe I'm just imagining things. Maybe not... You see, I'm walking like a tentative kitten, because she's married to a man, and because I don't know if she's ever been into women or would be open to that, and because I don't know if she's into me, and because she's my dance teacher and I want to keep training with her as long as she's teaching, and because I'm in a relationship with a man who's said it would be over between him and myself if I ever had something ongoing happening with a woman. But I just want to burst into a million little pieces and pour my love for her out at her feet and rub it all over her bare dancing feet like mary magdalen did (so the story goes...). And every time I get the courage up to talk to her after dance class (I try to skip a night every now and then to not seem too eager and annoying), I lose my words, I stumble over the most important words, or I rest on words that don't mean anything to me, and I try to smile but most of the time it just feels so fake to smile because I'm so nervous my face just freezes, I'm so afraid of my feelings for her showing on my face. Even my voice seems distant and far away from me when I talk to her. In fact, I think everytime I'm around her, no matter how many other people are around, a part of me goes away. It's like I dissociate. It's like I'm not even there to enjoy being with her! I'm so afraid of my feelings for her. I had a dream about her the night before last, and I smile everytime I think about it, because in the dream, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she liked me and wanted me. It was the best feeling ever. Such a relief. So powerful. Such a shocking surprise that seized me and made me go silent mid-sentence. That next morning, I woke up and read in her horoscope for that week that she was doing a lot of hard thinking about something related to love and the heart - in a positive way - and I hoped she was thinking about me. If I could equate my feelings for her to a flower, they are like a jasmine-gardenia in my heart. There's something so vulnerable, deep, delicate, precious, touching, moving, about my love for her, and about her. She moves me so. And I don't know how to tell her. I'm going to cook a meal for her, into which I'm going to pour all the love I have for her - or try, anyway, as she sits nibbling hors d'oeuvres while I make it. We'll see how that goes. I'm so nervous. I told her I'd do some trigger-point massage work on her, too, to help her with some chronic pain she has. Super excited about touching her, but also nervous my hands will be all sweaty and jerky or something. Also afraid I'll miss it all by dissociating while I'm touching her, because of the intensity of my feelings. I want her to know, but I don't want her to know. I can't hold this in anymore, but I don't want to jepardize things between her and myself, let alone between my partner and myself. And so I stay up till the wee hours of the morning when I'm alone, playing songs that let me feel, playing songs that strum the strings of my heart and let my heart sing, weep, yearn, hope, dream. I cry until my nose bleeds (though I tend to get nose bleeds more easily than normal), and I can't put myself to bed. Although, I've never been able to put myself to bed. A friend recently asked me if I thought I was experiencing depression; she said I had all the signs. She asked me if she could help. I wanted to say yes, you can help me by listening to me pour my heart out to you about this woman I love... But I just said I don't know. I felt so vulnerable about the idea of telling my friend about these feelings. It felt somehow like putting a kitten in the middle of a freeway - not a good idea. Maybe I'm wrong about that. Hope so. I really need to have someone to talk to. Which is why I'm writing this. Which is why I wrote this. Any consolation and ideas for steps I could take to feel better are whole-heartedly welcome! Thank you!