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Found 13 results

  1. This is something very serious that I usually don't even like to acknowledge to myself, but I am trying to become for lack of a better word, normal. I'm sure that many people would say that I am just trying to make myself out to be "special" for attention and am just making a big deal out of the things that everyone has to go through. But really I think that my situation and experience is more extreme than most people ever encounter. I never talk about these things (other than an occasional flippant, jesting remark, but never how it's made me almost a psychological cripple. But I think that I need to deal with these things, admit them, and this is a safe place. I know that everyone has self-esteem issues at times and adolescence is a time that nearly everyone looks back on with a bit of pity and sadness for the child that they were not being able to be happy with their appearances. I do not think that this is self-pity though, because really who we were when we are barely in our teens is an entirely different person from who we end-up as when we are barely in our thirties. And I know that our parents however well-meaning they are sometimes cause us to have issues of insecurity. But I think that my mother's family actually did significant psychological and emotional damage. Creating what i think of as a "dark voice" within me. I'm not saying that I actually hear voices or anything like that, It's just the name that I have for the self-hatred and near-paranoia thoughts that I feel. I'll start by getting the worst out of the way first. I hate that I am conceited and rate my own attractiveness far above what it actually is. I think that i am beautiful, but I'm not really, at least not as much as I think that I am. And I despise myself for that. I know that I have to accept responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings. I can't blame my shortcomings on past experiences or interactions with other people. But, I do also have to acknowledge that they did things, things that were wrong and things that have created a battlefield within me. I have to admit what happened. I have to admit that things that were done were not my fault. My mother's family has always placed a very high premium on girls being thin and pretty and getting married/having kids at an early age. Whether or not you were found attractive by boys and men defined your worth if you were a girl. My father encouraged my intellectual development and academic ambitions. I always did well in school. My mother's family made a show of saying that it was something that they were proud of, but the way they said it, it was clear that they felt that I focused on that aspect of myself because I wasn't pretty enough for anything else. My sister and female cousins were promiscuous. One was pregnant by the time she was 14. My sister had sex with my cousin's boyfriend in the high school bathroom. Throughout high school I was a virgin.My body type was different from theirs as well. they were all thin and small. None of them was more than a B cup. By the time I was thirteen I was a very full D. I don't know if I was fat. My husband says from pictures that I wasn't, but my mother's family always said that I was, Frequent comments were made about and to me. At 5'3 I weighed about 125 lbs. I feel like I was, but I know I can't be objective about it. I don't remember if it was ever overtly stated, but it was at least made very clear that they thought that the only reason that I was a virgin was that I was too unattractive for anyone to want to have sex with me. Looking back I think that part of it was probably that they were jealous of my chest size. I was made to feel self-conscious and bad about my chest size. When I was 14 my family moved in with my aunt's family. At least once a week when we were all sitting together for dinner the only topic of conversation during the meal was my chest size. I told them it made me feel uncomfortable and asked them not to talk about it. But they just said that I was being overly sensitive Some things I didn't even realize were not only abnormal, but really wrong because it was treated as perfectly fine within the family, until I casually mentioned it in passing to someone when I was an adult and the person I was talking to was horrified by it. From the time I was about 10 if I had friends spend the night we would play dress-up, which seems normal, but the things we were dressing up in were my mother's negligees. And we would take pictures of us posing in them. And these were not just silk and lace nightgowns, some of them were things like crotch-less panties or other items of that nature. While I was growing-up some of my mother's pet names for me were "yuck and muck" or just "Hey, ugly". From the time I was about 12 my mother would express unhappiness with my choice in underwear because they were not sexy enough. When I went to college and I would come home on the weekends as soon as I walked through the door my mother would make me go into the bathroom, get completely undressed and weigh myself in front of her. This even happened if someone came home with me, even if it was boyfriend. She would always tell me how much weight I needed to lose. (this still happens, although I have not actually seen my mother in person in several years she will ask me how much I weigh when we talk, and a couple of years ago I remember she said I needed to lose two and a half pounds). Sometimes she would say I was only allowed to have one serving of any given meal. At least once when a guy picked me up for a date as we were walking to his car my mom called out to him to not let me have any ice cream with dinner because I needed to lose weight. For as long as I can remember when my mom talked about when I was born, she would tell me how she was so disappointed that I was not a boy that she told the doctor to "just get rid of it" and wouldn't look at me until my father said that I looked like my sister. Now, whenever I start to feel good about myself there a that "dark voice" that starts telling me how horrible I am and how no one could possibly like me, let alone love me. And shows me every mistake that I have made and how awful I am because of that. It's like it's always there to suggest that if it seems like someone thinks I am worth something that there must be some other purpose to that. That they must be only pretending and waiting for a chance to publicly humiliate me in some way or secretly yearn for any downfall and revel in my every mistake. Sorry this post is so long but I feel like forever hiding the "dark voice" shelters and strengthens it. And maybe if I make an outward and it's origins, and that things that happened were not my fault, that I was wronged, maybe someday I will have a chance at actually fully believing that it is wrong. Maybe I can triumph over it.
  2. Hey there everyone I'm new here. This is my "story" I guess. I've always been a little more tomboyish when I was younger and openly talked how I liked women in middle school. My family always was unsupportive or said I play too much. That was just at 12 years old. I am now 24 and have had about 3 straight relationships. The most significant one, my highschool sweetheart, he understood me.. he would come with me to buy men's clothes and we always said how I felt like the man and he was more feminine and we were happy being eachother. After infidelity and losing our baby at 3 month; this was 4 years ago, I was left looking to fill a void. We don't talk anymore. I became very sexual and careless with men who hurt me. A guy I worked with and I got involved. We would go out everyday and it became a romantic thing. One night he got drunk and told me how he'd like to have a guy he found attractive have intercourse with him. He realized what he said and tried to shake it off as a joke but I reminded him that joke or not, that there is nothing wrong with that and that if it were true, I'm open minded and love him to bits anyway. I was able to explore with sexuality and help him figure things out because the whole hispanic machismo thing tends to scare guys thinking things like that mean they are gay. Blah blah blah let's get to me. I am in a relationship and in love but I feel like something is missing. I've never been able to experience completely being head over heels like I feel for women although I've never fully had a relationship with one. I'm beginning to realize I'm just in lust with men but love is something I will only able to share with a woman. And my family doesn't accept that about me which is why I think I've held back so long. I constantly tell my mom how I feel like a boy how I long to chop my hair off and finally be comfortable. And how I want to be in love and she just tells me to be quiet and say I'm crazy. I'm so confused and getting to the point where I want to just find out really what it is to find true love and now I have no idea how to talk to women it feels like its too late or I may never find someone. Am I broken? Everyone seems so happy but I can't figure myself out.. crying out for help you guys!
  3. The past week has been rough. Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of my husband's death, my mind has been everywhere, I had a dream that really shook me, and I've felt exceptionally alone. One of my husband's long time best friends, N, (who he dated in Junior high before she realized she was a lesbian.. She also works for my mom now) has been checking up on me every few days, and i had a really good,much needed talk with her about everything on my mind. Talking with her has pretty much kept me sane the past few days, she knew my husband for most of his life and she's completely non-judgemental. I told her about our situation with my girl and her husband, and how my husband's death has affected us, emotionally and sexually. I told her pretty much everything actually. She mentioned that my mom and sister wondered about my girl, considering she was so attached to me throughout the arrangements and the physical lack of distance between us, holding hands, arms frequently around each other, etc. My family is very Republican, religious, etc. Having a lesbian employee who pushes every boundary they have has helped open them up and become more accepting and question why they have certain values imposed by the church rather than thinking for themselves. I'm still uncomfortable with my parents knowing I'm bisexual and that my husband and I weren't monogamous. Though I'm thinking they may be onto me after N told me they'd mentioned something about my girl. Fantastic. N casually mentioned my (previously) teetotaling dad likes whiskey, which blew my mind. I texted my sister for verification and she confirmed that my parents now drink every so often (doesn't sound like a big deal unless you're familiar with the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement, even a drop of alcohol is of the devil). I said "all those years of hiding liquor and wine bottles when we knew they were dropping by, now this?" Sister said "they knew you drank, Ambrosia. They know you smoke too. They don't care, all they care about is you being happy and healthy. I feel like i can tell them anything" i told her i knew they know now that i smoke and drink, and i feel like i can tell them most things but not all. She asked me what sort of things? Not pills/hard drugs or anything, right? I told her definitely not, i barely take aspirin let alone pills or hard drugs. So, i told her I'm not straight. And H and I weren't monogamous. She asked, "are you and (my girl, she's G from now on) a thing?" I told her we used to be. She asked what happened, and i told her H died and the remaining three of us didn't know if or how we should proceed. She said "So you like dudes and girls?" So i told her the entire situation, our dynamic before he died, the bits of the night he died that I've always omitted because i didn't want to admit to anyone that we were in something deeper than just two couples hanging out. She took it much differently than i expected. She didn't treat me like I was a freak. She told me how sorry she was that I lost both H and my sexual relationship with G through all of this, empathized with me on how hard it must be to be dealing with such a complicated and heartbreaking situation while also living with G and her husband. She asked questions, what my relationship is like with G's husband (dear friends who don't sexually engage directly but aren't afraid of being naked in front of each other and love the same woman in different ways), if we ever traded opposite-sex partners (we didn't), if H ever slept with other women (we looked, but never found one), if I think the 3 of us will continue (we've discussed the possibility). I feel lighter. Accepted. Honest. I also admitted I've been casually hooking up with M, simply because my sex drive has been out of this world. She didn't judge me for that either. She listened and made me feel validated as i explained to her all of my feelings on the situation and how fucked up it is being 30 and diving into the single world for the first time in my adult life, especially since I'm on the opposite side of a deep, meaningful relationship that ended in death and have no interest in finding another, unlike a lot of singles who are hooking up with the intent of finding a partner. She validated my lack of desire to be with anyone romantically ever again, and assured me that i could be fulfilled without romance as long as I have meaningful friendships (which i have so many). Most people don't do that when i tell them I don't ever want a serious relationship again. They tell me I'll change my mind, I'll meet someone, the right person will come along despite my being adamant that I'm just not interested in coupling up and settling down again. I appreciated her willingness to listen to my wishes and not try to convince me otherwise. Today has been cathartic, after a super difficult and emotional week.
  4. There is a saying that every family has one. Let's take a poll and see if that's true with the members here on Shys. In my case, I only know of a distant relative, my second-cousin (mother's cousin's daughter) who is a gay woman in Vietnam. There are probably more, but like me, are closeted.
  5. Hello All, I suppose the easy way to start is that I'm confused, or being told that I am confused. Let me back up...I am married to a man and we have kids. Like many marriages it is not perfect and I've had times where I thought it should end but other times when I do not. He was my friend for years before we were a couple. I have never been in a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman, only men. I've been 'teased' most of my life randomly being mistaken as a lesbian. I never understood why people would always assume this about me. I know im not the most girly girl but I still didn't see why people said that. Lately one of my best friends, who is a lesbian, has been absolutely insisting that I am 'stuck in the closet'. I initially rolled my eyes as I have always done but she kept on it. After a few conversations I started getting those what if feelings...she is a close friend, does she see something I have not allowed myself to see or is she wrong and simply putting ideas in my head? I would say I am and have been attracted to men. There have been plenty of butterflies and so forth. But over the past couple months I have been exploring the idea of being attracted to women. Being married, shy, inexperienced, and all around antisocial I am not sure how to explore these feelings in order to get an answer. I have been struggling with this and find myself here searching for answers. It is nice to finally find a site not based on sex but conversations. I hope to find some answers.
  6. I just wanted to make a short introduction. Glad I stumbled upon this website. Was being a little douche-y and browsing the forums for a few days before mustering up enough courage to actually sign up. Even though, one can be as anonymous as one wants on here, I am still feeling a bit nervous and cautious. Been married for 14 years with two beautiful children. Absolutely in love with my husband. Feel extremely grateful for my life and all that I've been provided. However, just like a lot of ladies on here (remember stalky me was reading up on you guys?!), I have always felt attraction towards other women since forever. I had casually mentioned that to my husband when we were dating and he had made comments like, "oh too bad, you missed your chance" and "let's have a threesome!" We both knew that was just a lighthearted banter going nowhere. Plus, we are not that adventurous. Over the years, we'd talk about who we found attractive and agreed we had the same type! Again, this was all just talk. He is a pretty straight vanilla guy who just happens to be open minded enough to have chats like that. Him and I have an incredible relationship, he is my best friend and our greatest strength is healthy communication. Well, I had a very honest conversation about wanting to have an experience with a woman before I turned 40. Like a goober, I was hoping he'd give me his blessings and maybe even help coordinate! In reality, that conversation got quite intense and I think at that point, he may have realized that I was serious about it ...I had always been serious about it. He basically said that his biggest fear was that I'd leave him for a woman and he will be devastated. That broke my heart. And I kept reassuring him that, that wasn't going to happen. I have told him several times and I've meant every bit of it, that he is all the man I need or want and what I am curious about is something he can't give me. Our last conversation on this topic ended with him saying that he would like me to be happy and we have one life to live so if I want to experiment, I'd have to do it in secret. He wouldn't be able to be ok with it. I don't want to hurt him but I also agree with him that I should be able to experience what I think will bring me joy. I have found certain people attractive off and on throughout my life. I am finding it to be true more so now than before. I have never been with a woman before but I have a very strong feeling that I will love it provided the stars are aligned and the chemistry is there. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I can't see myself being the initiator. I am hoping it'll all happen organically. That's the only way I can justify it with minimal amount of guilt. Guilt. That's another topic for another day. Sigh. I have NEVER admitted to being bicurious to anyone other than my husband so writing this post has been terrifying as well as liberating. Thanks for reading and thanks for allowing me to be part of this community. I promise to keep my douchery to a minimum! Cheers.
  7. Hi everyone, This weekend I have been feeling very sad and just wanted to reach out, maybe see if people can relate to my situation. When I was a student I was always very ambitious and saw myself having a successful career, but I struggled to fit into the workplace and became clinically depressed at 22. Throughout my twenties and tried lots of different jobs and moved to a big city, got trained in a particular career but had a breakdown at 27 during the course and had to move back home with my parents. I spent the next few years getting treatment for depression, anxiety and OCD and had jobs on and off when I was well enough. Fast forward to today, I am 32, trained in a new field I love and have just set up a small business in this new field, but it is still too small to support myself to live independently so I am still at home with my parents. I am not clinically depressed anymore which is wonderful (I was lucky to have several courses of excellent therapy which helped me a lot) but I am getting treatment for panic and anxiety which is still making it hard to live a normal life, I don't have many friends, have been single for years and struggle with connecting with people and maintaining friendships, mainly due to my years of having to take time out to get better and also because I'm introverted so I enjoy spending most of my time alone doing creative projects and working on my business. Because of all of this my parents became my best friends, they are the only people I feel really love me, accept me and understand me. Last year my dad became ill and had to have an operation. He made it through and is doing really well, but it scared them and they are now talking about selling the house where we all live and getting two separate smaller places. I always dreamed of having my own place but them saying this has upset and worried me, because I feel like: - The family unit I belong to is disbanding - Worried I'll be really lonely on my own with hardly any friends - Worried about supporting myself financially - Worried about losing my parents - I finally found a career I love and work from home which I adore, and I'm worried about losing this if our housing situation changes Can anyone relate to this? I guess because I was ill and moved back in with my parents I became dependent on them again, and sort of returned to a second childhood in a way. I never planned for this to happen - I did very well in school and have always been very ambitious, so my struggle with employment and mental health was very unexpected. I know most people think it's healthy to move out and they are probably right, I just feel worried about the future since my attempts to be 'an adult' in the past resulted in a breakdown and years in and out of clinical, suicidal depression and panic attacks. I don't want to be on overgrown child, I'd love to make new friends, find a partner and learn to be a fully functioning adult again but I seem to find it very hard/an impossible dream despite repeatedly trying. Ultimately I'm very sad and worried about losing my parents and being totally alone in the world. I guess also, my current situation living at home has helped me to maintain my mental health and I'm worried that big changes will result in a relapse in depression. Thanks for listening, any supportive and kind advice would be much appreciated.
  8. I am happy to announce I'm gonna be a first time aunt to a little niece due to be born in March 2016. So far the name my brother and sister in law have decided to call her Evie x
  9. My dad is in the process of fixing up a "new" house, so he's staying there while he fixes it up before he officially moves his stuff in. My 16-year-old cousin (let's call her V), decided his old house would be a great place for a party, and she and a LOT of her teenage friends broke in, started drinking and blasting music, and proceeded to pretty much destroy the place. All of that would just be obnoxious and selfish teenage shenanigans, except for one thing: over a thousand dollars is now missing, as well as all of the jewelry that my late grandmother left to my sister (who I'll call E). V swears she doesn't know anything about the missing property. She never went near the place where the valuables were kept, but evidently her friends did, and now she won't give us any additional information. Sooo... my dad and sister called the police, and now the whole lot of them are down at the police station (still no sign of grandma's jewelry though). This is turning into a huge clusterfuck of "How could an uncle call the police on his own niece!" and "How could a girl steal from her own cousin!" And everyone basically feels stabbed in the back by everybody else. I'm staying out of it, but it's still really sad. When I was a teenager, E was a little girl, and V was a baby, I used to picture us all grown up and friends together, raising kids, inviting each other over for holidays, going on trips, sharing private childhood jokes about what dorks our parents were, as well as what dorks we were turning into. I never would have pictured us stealing from each other, destroying each other's property, or having each other arrested. Real families are so messy, and love just doesn't seem to be enough of a reason to treat each other well. Instead we're all just struggling along as individuals, not part of anything bigger, and regard each other full of grudges and bile.
  10. Coming out later in life to older parents? Those of you who have come out later in life did you decide to come out to your parents or not? Just curious. I am out to everyone except family and don't know if I'll ever tell them.
  11. How many of you have actually felt the need to come out to their parents /siblings (as a bisexual) and how many did so ? Real friends are to me the family I chose so it may be at some points easier to come out to some of them if I felt the need (two of my closest and oldest friends know I am bisexual). I have fantastic parents who always were present and supportive w me throughout my life; they also both have had a full life, lots of experiences before getting married, traveled extensively etc. So not the narrow minded or the ignorant type, quite the contrary. But I Never felt the need to come out as a bisexual to them. My mum really freaked out when I was teenager because at some point she felt some "vibes" emanating from me - that I may be attracted to the same sex too, so I shut it down (by the time anyway I was so innocent and unsure and had never seriously dated a boy nor a girl) and never changed my position since then. I think she feared I was a lesbian... I believe my dad would be more relaxed about my bisexuality but globally I also concluded it would bring more confusion in their head than anything else, especially at that stage where I am, so far, married to a man and we have a kid. If I made a more drastic move (if I felt I was not into men anymore but only women) then yes, I would of course tell them and face it. I think the output would be dramatic lol, for a long time, if not forever. I don't think they would stop seeing me though. But they would not be at ease and they would be hurt every day. I know my sibling would totally reject me for this specific reason though by now we are very close. He is not ok with gays or any alternative sexuality in general - while even before I knew I was bisexual I always loved them - loved mingling with them, partying with them, being where they were etc. Sometimes I did wonder if hiding some of my sexuality to them specifically means I am a liar or if I am lacking of honesty w them but I would say no in the end. Sexuality is a private matter - even more delicate imo to share w family and not necessarily a smart move except if your choice will impact their daily life (as said above). How about you?
  12. SOOooo, I went to lunch with my younger sister the other day. We don't talk much or spend a lot of time together (I really don't know why), and as she began venting to me some of her relationship problems, she dropped several subtle hints that she might be interested in girls. I didn't question anything and just let her continue talking. I then thought back on an incident years ago when I guess she told our dad she might like girls and he...kind of flipped. So when I was trying to play diplomat and pacify the situation, he was blowing off steam to me about how he wished before she started "hating men" that she'd dump the loser she's with, blah blah. He's also expressed before several anti-LGBT sentiments. Nothing violent or threatening, just your typical "it's ADAM and EVE, NOT ADAM and STEVE. READ THE BIBLE" crap. He's a good man, but..ya know. So needless to say, he has no idea that I'm gay-af (how I'm amusingly identifying myself these days) and I've never come out to this sister (the older one knows due to a series of unfortunate, embarrassing events), but I kind of want to reach out to her because I know what it's like having to keep your mouth shut and stay in the dark like that. I just don't even know how to bring it up and I don't want to confront her or ask her, put her in a situation where she's not comfortable, clams up and then we talk even less. I wouldn't mind leading the conversation with my own sexuality and experience but again, I don't know how to do so. Ideally, it'd go along the lines of me asking her point blank if she likes girls, I'm 99.9% sure she would say yes, I say "hey! me too!", we high five and it's no big deal and we talk.
  13. Hi all, Well we were at my brothers house today and while we were over there and hanging out, it occurred to me just how much I keep to myself...I get very quiet around people I haven't seen in awhile and then my mom commented about how I'll probably never give her a grandchild like my sister, who is pregnant right now and I just felt really awkward about it... The last time she said something like that was when I came out as a lesbian years ago and afterwards I realized just how much I keep to myself. to this day no one asks me who I'm going out with or who I like etc and this was all while my sister was talking about her kids and her family and I was playing online doing my thing... I think part of the issue is that I do keep things to myself and most of it has to do with my sexuality and that I haven't opened that part of myself to my offline friends and I was thinking of it because then I would have someone to talk to about it. I think she would be accepting about it, but I'm a little hesitant. I also think that the other reason I keep things to myself is because I have work on myself to do first. Maybe it's a little that I'm not totally comfortable with myself and I keep worrying about what other people think... It's also weird when my sister in law has her 2 friends over who I can't stand but everyone loves,,,one of them is so critical and negative and just being around her drains me because everyone loves her... Anyway, can I get some advice?