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Found 14 results

  1. i hate that I’m here upset. upset with her and slightly more upset at myself. why did i go there? why did i allow my self to anticipate and expect and ready myself for time with her? by now, i should know that hoping only leads to disappointment. and then an escalating feeling of anger toward her. Alas, i caused this. i crept into this space. i made visible my desperation to walk (not run) side by side as the hot midday sun bake us and resultingly cause sweat to drip profusely from unwarranted areas. that, i would endure to be able to see her in jogging pants accompanied by that light glow she gets when breaking a sweat. i won’t get that today. our plan did not come to fruition. and so i bathe in frustration. and more frustration and i see petulance not far from arriving. i mentally slap myself. a wake-the-hell-up kind of slap. and just enough to snap me back. to the reality of my unreciprocated desire for her. and slowly i come to peace. i’ve scolded myself enough. i realize. i am afforded a chance to practice my self control and let feelings go and be resilient. this practice is allowing me to practice. practice having no expectations. practice the overdue unhinging of attachment to her. practice no expectaions.
  2. This is just a rant. A place to ponder the thoughts that are running away from me and out of my control, at the moment. I don't have a question, per se, just some musings about myself and some tendencies I have the capacity for. Compartmentalizing...I've always been able to do this with men. With men, they either went into the temporary, casual, or long-term bin; they were filtered accordingly and logically. Even that was off, as I found myself unhappily married at a young age to my soon to be ex-husband. I never thought I'd be able to do this women. The fairer sex has always been my crutch...until recently. I AM capable of f-cking around. I AM capable of not investing anything emotionally. I AM able to remain detached. I am at odds with myself again. There's the woman I messed around with last- and others- and then there is a waitress that I might really have feelings for. Basically, there is ice-cold detachment and then there's these feelings...and I sense that there is a chasm between the two. There is no middle ground. Women, like the ones I mess around with, are temporary and I know this. There is no risk of developing feelings there. I can see and talk to multiple women at the same time, mess around/hook-up and I almost become like a guy wanting a conquest and then there's feelings of a crush for this younger, adorable woman who has served me dinner a few times. There's a genuine sincerity to get to know her, to find out more about her and butterflies floating around in my core. I want to ask this young lady out, even just for coffee, but I find myself wondering if I'm being an asshole. I feel like I'm plotting a way to get her into my clutches, this naive young gal who, if we're going by odds alone, probably hasn't been with another woman. And here I am, screwing around with multiple women. I almost feel like I have to mess around with as many women as I can, to gain experience. I waited and waited to find "the one" and like everyone else said, that wasn't gonna happen. The last gal I hooked up wants to try again. Get a hotel room and spend the night. I can't begin to tell you how claustrophobic that feels to me and if I think about the last time we were together, how void of emotions it was for me, it's not very appealing...but the physical aspect of a pretty woman on top of me draws me in. To achieve orgasm with an attractive female is a prospect I find nearly impossible to pass up..and then there's this young lady who I can't get out of my head. Who I become this wide-eyed little girl for when I see her, so happy just to be in her presence. There's authenticity there in my interactions with her that when it comes to my romantic pursuits, are usually absent. I just feel like I have to continue to screw around to gain more experience and a big part of me feels like I'm too tainted for the one female I actually might kinda like. She's too pure, too innocent, for me to even try with. My ex says that I'm trying to sabotage the one pure connection that I might have, that I'm too scared and looking for any excuse to continue to remain detached. I find myself in a quarrel, head vs ego vs heart. Have I screwed around enough to get the gist of it? Should I continue to just mess around? Is there any harm in this? Should I only pursue women I have legit feelings for and move past this casual phase? These are rhetorical questions to myself. I know that I'm all over the place, but this is just where my head is at because it's late and I'm tired. I have the offer from the woman I hooked up with before, still on the table. She wants to get together on Friday, so I'll have to decide before that. I never thought I'd get here and that I'd be able to apply that flawed, sometimes cold, emotional filtration system to women and now that I have, to be honest, I'm a little disgusted with myself. There's guilt and shame mixed in there, somewhere, that will need to be sifted out. I watch videos on YouTube of feminine women getting married and I cry. I want that. I have a crush on a woman who, when I interact with her, I just feel so in the moment for and delighted to be around. And then there's this other side of me that i can't even relate to. This masculine, coveting, detached, overtly sexual version of me and to be quite frank, I don't know how to reconcile those two aspects because they feel worlds apart. Perhaps me droning on and on has accomplished one thing in my mind: I need to really sit down and ask myself, what the hell do I want.
  3. As I explained in another thread, some weeks ago I had this sort of epiphany, awakening, call it whatever you like, when I realized I was probably bisexual. I was not questioning my sexuality at the moment, I just happened to read about bisexuality by chance, without even looking for it, and something clicked in my head. I looked back and immediately recognized a lot of moments in my life where I had been attracted to women or there was a sign of it. From that moment on, I couldn´t help thinking about women a lot and I started to notice them around me, in a way I had never done before, and I couldn´t help it. It´s like if all the repressed feelings suddenly had been liberated and were overwhelming me. I completely forgot about men for a lot of days. There is a colleague at work in particular. We got along well. Before this, I said to myself she was very nice and great in a friendly way. Now I understad I like her. I dont have any crush on her for the moment, but I definitely feel a lot of attraction and now I see it. Scary. Tonight I was having dinner, and I could not stop staring at the waitress. After that, I went to another place for some drinks and I saw another girl in the place. She had a very natural beauty, the way she moved, the way she was dressed, and she definitley had "something". I was infatuated and amazed at how much I liked her. What puzzles me is that this happened overnight. Had I seen those women a few weeks ago, I would have noticed them, but I would have said I was admiring their beauty, that I liked the way that girl was dressed, that the appeal they had was anything but sexual to me. A month ago, I did not even think that I could like my colleague. Now that I am aware of these feelings, they sime like a trillion times more intense than before. Sometimes I even think that this is some sort of auto-suggestion, that I am inciting myself to like women, because I do not understand how I couldn´t see this before. Or was I actually inciting me not to like them before? I guess it´s because everything is very recent and I am still a bit confused. Did this happen to any of you too when you realized or accepted you were bi? Is it usual to feel this way now? I would like to know your thoughts on this, especially of the ones that. like me, realized they were bi later in life.
  4. How does music make you feel? For me it can be one single note which sends a shiver down the spine and a tear to the eye. I love all types of music and various pieces of music can have that effect.
  5. I've never really been in this spot. Well I have been before but it didn't go well. What if it seems like your getting along with someone But after awhile you start to feel like your not good enough to keep their interest? but in your head you know your wrong cause the person is that amazing. How do you get through that insecure feeling?
  6. Ok, so, I have this problem. I don't have many female friends. I asem to keep getting myself into these situations. It's happened twice before. Several years ago, I posted a lot on here about my coworker who I was growing close to, that I had fallen deeply in love with. She flirted with me a lot, only when I told her I was bi, she was, although supportive, shocked. I never told her of my feelings for her. And I eventually, talked myself out of love with her. Then about 2 years ago, I was starting to have fantasies about another close friend. She was really touchy feels with me and closer to me than all of our other friends. I posted about her on here too. I never told her I was bi, and never made a move to make anything happen. Although I would hint about my attraction toward her. Well life gets busy and I don't see or talk to with of them anymore. My new issue. I have a friend that I used to work with. She and I got really close when she worked with me, then her life got really crazy and she moved away. We stopped talking for about a year. Then while on vacation where she was living we met up for dinner and started talking again. She shortly after that got married and moved again. Over the past 4 years or so we've become really close. She is my best friend. We have similarities and also are completely different. But I love that about us. She is one of the few people who knows I'm bi. When I first told her, she told me that she's not bi, but that she's had a few sexual encounters with women. A couple threesomes and once with just her and a friend of hers. She enjoyed them. And said she'd do them again. But she says she's straight. I don't understand that. She also tells me that she still watches lesbian and threesome porn regularly. And still fantasizes about being with women again. She also has this waitress at a restaurant she frequents that is always flirting with her, and she says she loves it because she's pretty. All of that aside. We talk every single day. She has by far become my confidant. My closest friend. I have no secrets from her. We tell each other that we love each other almost daily. We do this thing where we will say, "wanna know why I love you?" And list one of the reasons. We do it every so often. My husband knows that we talk every day. And he knows we've become close friends. For a while I think he was getting jealous about how much I talked to her. But after getting back together, he's trying not to be so jealous and insecure. So he doesn't say anything, but I can sense it bothers him. My problem is, that I feel like my feelings for her are getting stronger than just a best friend. My other best friend I've been friends with since I was a child. We can go weeks without talking at all and it's no big deal. But with this friend, if I go half a day without talking to her, I get sad, and miss her and will text her. I haven't seen her in years. But we talk and send each other texts and videos back and forth. Her husband makes comments about us too. Not sure if he's jealous or not. But he doesn't know about her female encounters so he probably doesn't think anything of it. I don't know how she feels about me. But I know that I'm starting to love her for more than just a friend. She's smoking hot too! She's got this exotic beauty about her. I told her years ago that I would totally have sex with her. She said that if she was single that she would be willing to, as well. But she didn't want to cheat on her husband. She's always asking me to fly out to see her. She's looked up flight prices several times. Begged me to go out alone and spend a week with her. She's going to be moving closer next year. And she's very excited about it. Although still in another state. But she's already making plans to come see me or for me to go see her. I know this post is all over the place. Sorry for the jumbled up thoughts. Moral of the story kids is that I'm in love with my best friend and I have no idea what to do about it.
  7. Hello ladies, so glad I found this forum, so I can share and most importantly ask advice from any of you willing to help! :maninlove: I am in the very classical typical situation of being a 40 yo (rather happily) married bisexual woman having very strong feelings (not just sexual) for a very good married, (so far) straight, girlfriend. We met at our kids' kindergarten, our kids love each other (I have a boy, she has a tomboy daughter); and what started last October as a very powerful and interesting friendship (like maybe it is the case alter in life) has turned into sg else for me. I developed a more romantic feeling towards her, including physical desire. No infatuation here. We have been texting each other for close to 6 months every day, and see each other quite frequently; it is a happy, intense, and so far very real friendship, full of substance, of laughter, of complicity. 1. Were there flirting/weird moments in the texts exchange? Yes, when e.g. she would ask if I was hitting on her and she seemed to like the idea from afar. But I did not have the courage by then, to reply yes to her, being afraid to lack of delicacy and unsure how serious she was. 2. Are we hugging, embracing each other? Yes. She is quite reserved in her approach of life and I am more extrovert; she replies to my (tender but only friendly) body language quite naturally. 3. Does she know about the fact I may be attracted to her? Quite possibly. Her reactions are always mixed. I feel a desire to "flirt" with the idea, also the fact she is probably flattered, but in the end, fear (and who knows, maybe disgust..?). 4. We do encourage, support and compliment each other a lot. But this is true for all good, real friends. My issue is: I am not sure how and "if" I should try to have a more serious discussion about it with her about how I feel and try to understand how she feels, too, which seems a bit blurry. I have had free spirited parents, and I have also done all that I felt like doing sexually, before I got married, like discovering my bisexuality and having the joy to experiment, meeting wonderful women on the way. She, was raised by parents being very concerned about the society's point of view, critics, gossips. Strict parents. She met her husband at 25, I met mine at 35. She has many more inner boundaries to overcome (and does she want to?) (even though for instance she supports the gay cause) would it be only to be comfortable with the fact of having a bisexual friend (not to mention who is attracted to her) - though she sometimes tried to orientate the conversation to see if yes or no I had been with women before. Sexuality being a private matter to me anyway, this is something very few friends know about me and not something I would ever share casually with anybody. I am at a stage where I personally would have the stupidity or the guts to move on with her, if she gave me a signal; I am sure a lot of you have read similar posts many times Any comment, remark, advice, are welcome. Enjoy your life all of you ladies out there! And glad to be here today. H :biggrin:
  8. When you're around your woman crush, do you ever feel numb to your own sexual or romantic feelings for her? Or once you start to get to know her on a more personal level (before you've flat out told her you like her in that way, and before you know for sure whether she likes you in that way), do you ever find that your sexual or romantic feelings for her seem to go underground into hiding when you're around her (and perhaps even sometimes when you're not, too), only to pop up in your mind / body / heart in unexpected moments that make you have to look away from her because they're so overwhelming or scary? If so, what do you think these phenomena are about?
  9. If a female friend were to say that she was worried your feelings toward her had changed, how would you take that? Simply "friendly feelings"? We don't have a romantic relationship. We had a bit of miscommunication and hurt feelings were involved, but when she said "my feelings toward you had not changed" and then "I Wondered if your feelings had changed toward me." Is it more on the romantic side if the word "for" instead of "toward" is used? Is this just a silly thing to ask?
  10. Hi everyone..just joined this site and thank god for it!! I desperately need advice please..im in my mid 40s and recently realised ive become bi curious..i know, you've heard this before..im ok with that, I haven't yet explored it further.. Im married but tbh we are more friends than anything and we have a daughter..gradually over a number of months ive developed feelings for my daughters teacher!!! Its bordering on obsession lol..ive not expressed these feelings towards her but I'm getting a 'vibe' she may feel the same but tbh my vibe could be seriously wrong. One minute there's eye contact galore, the next shes blanking me..i never get the chance to talk regularly as she's swarmed with other mums and I don't like to pester her with silly excuses about my daughter. I have done, once ir twice but too paranoid. Id love to start a friendship with her and the opportunity on a 1-1 is this week..Do I or dont I broach this with her and how?..
  11. So ladies , if you had the chance to express yourself with a song to a current crush , which song (s) would you pick... Have fun !!
  12. Am I the only one who, even though I have accepted I am bi, doesn't want to tell everyone? Not even her family? I live with my mom and it was hell when I told her I was a lesbian and she said she didn't want to hear about it and that it was my business. That was about 5 or 6 years ago and we haven't discussed it since, I haven't come out to anyone else in my family and to this day nobody mentions me dating or liking anyone. So it's like they all know, but we don't talk about it. There are times i want to tell everyone and then there are times I don't. I have a few close people I talk to but no one that knows this side of me, and I don't know if I really want to share that. I just keep thinking of talking to my girl crush and it seems like there is never a good time. If I see her with people, it's usually those I don't like, or I am busy and on my way to do something. It would be easier to be out if I could drive and go places, but right now I can't. And it's like I have thought of telling my mom again, but after the last time, I don't want to. The last time she blamed my best friend and things royally sucked. Plus with the money trouble we are having right now and the fact that we are moving soon and things are really stressful right now, I don't want to complicate things for me or her and I don't honestly see things changing.
  13. I think that it's considered unreciprocated if you tell them how you feel & they rebuff you. Either completely or they just want to be friends. Reflecting on it, most of those I've loved, never even knew. It's possible they picked up on the fact I liked them. Though, probably, not how much. These were all friends. Both men & women. Different reasons I kept my feelings to myself. One being, they were in a relationship that didn't allow for poly. I did perceive they liked me too. Maybe not on the same level. We might have been able to pursue something, if circumstances had been different. The romantic side of me still holds out hope something could happen, with one of them, at least. For me, not knowing for sure, is actually worse. If I had been declined, it would have hurt, but, that would have faded with time. As it is, I'm left wondering, what if? From some of the stories I've read here, I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this.
  14. Today, I was getting on really well with my work mate and I had glimpses of feelings for her. I like who she is. Then I had thoughts of wanting to be with her and kissing her. I then have thoughts like, "oh, you're just making this up", "it's just lust". I try to ignore them. I would really like to act on my feelings and see where it takes me. I've catched feelings for women in public. God, they're so frikin gorgeous. I feel bad for thinking I'm bisexual. Then the thoughts say "well, maybe too many people are bisexual". I like men a lot more but I like women too.