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Found 22 results

  1. Today 3:29 PM Hi there! I'm new here, realized I was fluid when a new friend shared her attraction to me about 18 months ago. I've always been checking out women's bodies, just didn't know I was fluid. Tried to share with my husband but he freaked. Meantime, I fell deeply in love with this amazing, beautiful friend. His freak out put an end to any convo. Not due what to do, but I want her in my life. So I'm here to learn about other journeys, especially telling husbands and having that special woman in my life.
  2. Hi ladies, I could really do with a fresh perspective. I was just ill to the point where is was a bit touch and go whether I would make it. My husband was quite supportive at the time but made a number of inappropriate comments when I was very ill and afterwards. He blamed me for not noticing that I was ill even though there were very few symptoms and kept saying I had dodged a bullet heading for my brain. He also sulked a lot and refused to speak for quite a while when I was in hospital. He also made reference to lethal injections when I was in the resuscitation ward. I understand he was very scared but I wish he had been more supportive. Am I overreacting? I was grateful for his presence and support during my illness. It is a little complicated by the fact that, when I was ill in the past, my mum (who has since passed away) used to visit me and was always very upbeat and supportive and I can’t help comparing this unfavourably with my husband’s behaviour. Also, and this is not his fault I guess, his sister was very hostile to me on the phone and by text while I was in hospital and he refuses to acknowledge this. The main problem is that I just don’t feel normal towards him right now. I don’t know if it’s because i’m rethinking my life because of my illness or if I just found him harsh and unhelpful while I was ill and can’t relate to him right now. He is being affectionate now but I feel a bit like i’m faking some of my affection towards him which I hate doing. Things weren’t perfect before my hospitalisation but they felt a lot better than they do now. I guess it is not a good sign that I don’t feel able to just bring up how I feel. I worry that he will think i’m being unreasonable and that it will end in an argument which in his case can mean him going quiet for days while he ‘thinks things through’. I’m not strong mentally or physically right now so I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to talk to him about it or even whether the feelings I have right now are better ignored and left to fade. Thanks.
  3. So, my husband has been going to counseling which is great, due to a myriad of issues. I told him about my attraction to women about six years ago. He gave me a free pass to be with a woman and try it out, but due to being busy raising two young kids, and work, and dealing with his mental health issues, there isn't much time to figure out where to go to meet people. I signed up on OK Cupid, and had one person that messaged me to meet up, but after my response to her I haven't heard anything. My husband is more if the mind that I am not attracted to men at all, because i'm not constantly wanting sex. Recently, he told me he was frustrated that i haven't found someone to try it out with, and that he suposedlt knows serveral people that would help me out. I personally would rather allow things to develop organically, and meet people doing the things I already do. I need to feel something for a person before I would even go there, and honestly, I wouldn't want to invite more trouble into an already troubled relationship by "hooking up" with a random person. Just like everyone else on here, I really do want to find soneone, but I'm willing to be patient.
  4. I came across this article which reckons only 17% of marriages last over three years after a spouse comes out as gay or bisexual. I'm in a bi group and this seems to be accurate among the ladies I know, even those with husbands who were initially fantastically supportive. I think the quality/happiness of a marriage should also be considered, not just if you end up together or not. Also, the divorce rate for heterosexual couples isn't zero, so one person being bi isn't ever the only factor in a divorce. Do do you think this is accurate? Do statistics like these even matter? According to the Straight Spouse Network, it is estimated that there are up to 2 million mixed orientation couples. According to Amity Buxton of the Straight Spouse Network, "When the gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse comes out, a third of the couples break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years, sorting out what to do and then divorce; the remaining third try to make their marriages work. A half of these couples divorce, while half of them (17% of the total) stay together for three or more years." The Family Pride Coalition compiled the following statistics: 20 percent of all gay men in America are in a heterosexual marriage. 50 percent of all gay men in America have fathered children. 40 percent of all lesbians in America are married to a male partner. 75 percent of all lesbians have children.
  5. I had a very interesting convo with my husband this morning and I'd like to share what he thinks that we should do after telling our husbands our desire to be in a relationship with woman or even just to explore. He said, "the wife has to check how his husband is coping about her sexuality and her want to explore this part of her. It's not just telling him what she wants and leave him to deal with it. She has to help him to cope with it through constant communication (like what we're doing). She has to make sure that there are no miscommunication. It's not easy for me, but I also need help from my wife to reassure me. There's no certainty but at least I am not left alone to deal with it." We all have different husbands and your husband may not be as open-minded as mine. However, I thought it'd be useful for anyone to have an idea knowing my husband's point of view based in his own experience.
  6. The past week has been rough. Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of my husband's death, my mind has been everywhere, I had a dream that really shook me, and I've felt exceptionally alone. One of my husband's long time best friends, N, (who he dated in Junior high before she realized she was a lesbian.. She also works for my mom now) has been checking up on me every few days, and i had a really good,much needed talk with her about everything on my mind. Talking with her has pretty much kept me sane the past few days, she knew my husband for most of his life and she's completely non-judgemental. I told her about our situation with my girl and her husband, and how my husband's death has affected us, emotionally and sexually. I told her pretty much everything actually. She mentioned that my mom and sister wondered about my girl, considering she was so attached to me throughout the arrangements and the physical lack of distance between us, holding hands, arms frequently around each other, etc. My family is very Republican, religious, etc. Having a lesbian employee who pushes every boundary they have has helped open them up and become more accepting and question why they have certain values imposed by the church rather than thinking for themselves. I'm still uncomfortable with my parents knowing I'm bisexual and that my husband and I weren't monogamous. Though I'm thinking they may be onto me after N told me they'd mentioned something about my girl. Fantastic. N casually mentioned my (previously) teetotaling dad likes whiskey, which blew my mind. I texted my sister for verification and she confirmed that my parents now drink every so often (doesn't sound like a big deal unless you're familiar with the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement, even a drop of alcohol is of the devil). I said "all those years of hiding liquor and wine bottles when we knew they were dropping by, now this?" Sister said "they knew you drank, Ambrosia. They know you smoke too. They don't care, all they care about is you being happy and healthy. I feel like i can tell them anything" i told her i knew they know now that i smoke and drink, and i feel like i can tell them most things but not all. She asked me what sort of things? Not pills/hard drugs or anything, right? I told her definitely not, i barely take aspirin let alone pills or hard drugs. So, i told her I'm not straight. And H and I weren't monogamous. She asked, "are you and (my girl, she's G from now on) a thing?" I told her we used to be. She asked what happened, and i told her H died and the remaining three of us didn't know if or how we should proceed. She said "So you like dudes and girls?" So i told her the entire situation, our dynamic before he died, the bits of the night he died that I've always omitted because i didn't want to admit to anyone that we were in something deeper than just two couples hanging out. She took it much differently than i expected. She didn't treat me like I was a freak. She told me how sorry she was that I lost both H and my sexual relationship with G through all of this, empathized with me on how hard it must be to be dealing with such a complicated and heartbreaking situation while also living with G and her husband. She asked questions, what my relationship is like with G's husband (dear friends who don't sexually engage directly but aren't afraid of being naked in front of each other and love the same woman in different ways), if we ever traded opposite-sex partners (we didn't), if H ever slept with other women (we looked, but never found one), if I think the 3 of us will continue (we've discussed the possibility). I feel lighter. Accepted. Honest. I also admitted I've been casually hooking up with M, simply because my sex drive has been out of this world. She didn't judge me for that either. She listened and made me feel validated as i explained to her all of my feelings on the situation and how fucked up it is being 30 and diving into the single world for the first time in my adult life, especially since I'm on the opposite side of a deep, meaningful relationship that ended in death and have no interest in finding another, unlike a lot of singles who are hooking up with the intent of finding a partner. She validated my lack of desire to be with anyone romantically ever again, and assured me that i could be fulfilled without romance as long as I have meaningful friendships (which i have so many). Most people don't do that when i tell them I don't ever want a serious relationship again. They tell me I'll change my mind, I'll meet someone, the right person will come along despite my being adamant that I'm just not interested in coupling up and settling down again. I appreciated her willingness to listen to my wishes and not try to convince me otherwise. Today has been cathartic, after a super difficult and emotional week.
  7. I just woke up from a nap. I dreamed about my husband. I've dreamed about him several times since he died, but this was the first time I knew in my dream he was dead. I was sitting at a counter with a friend i haven't seen in a few years, one of my old best friends from high school, she was on my right and i looked over to my left and he was standing right there, visibly upset. I assumed it was my imagination so i kissed him and he didn't disappear, but his lips were so pale, the way they were when I went to see him before cremation. I asked him if he was really there and he said he was. I asked if he was alive and he said no. The scar on his arm was gone, instead he had a really dark, large, almost bruised looking spot in its place. He looked like he was crying and i kept asking him what was wrong. He kept saying "(my name), I'm so... I'm so s..." and his face looked like it was starting to wither or melt. I looked over at my friend and she looked sad and terrified, i asked her if she saw him and she nodded yes. Then i looked back to my left and he was gone. I wish i hadn't looked away. He felt warm when I touched him. Then i realized i was dreaming and tried to bring him back but i couldn't. I know it was a dream, but I wish it would have lasted longer. I know I can't really talk to him, but even those few seconds where my mind invented a scenario where he was there, I heard his voice... I wanted to talk to him more. I miss him so much. This hurts so much.
  8. I posted a status, and i appreciate the care and concern I've been shown. I'm sorry I've been silent since, I've been shattered and unable to function. I lost my husband to suicide on presumably early Sunday morning. I didn't find him until that evening. I didn't believe it at first, i thought he was staging it. But then i realized he didn't know what time i was coming home, and i realized it was really happening, or it had. Long story short.. he was severely mentally ill, and refused to seek treatment. To cope with daily stress, he drank often, though rarely got trashed, and when he did, he was either in a really up place, or a really dark place. I should have seen his dark place coming, considering how happy and energetic and excited (i.e. manic) he was on Saturday evening. We were out on a double date with my lady friend and her husband, and we were having a great time. Toward the end of the night we decided to go back to their place, but i had to run home first. By the time i got back to the bar, husband was extremely drunk, I'm assuming he went against his self-imposed rule and drank liquor. He began insisting he would drive our car to their house, but we all talked him out of it. I almost wish he'd driven home. He got in the car with us, and on the way home he and her husband got into a pointless argument that escalated to both of them getting out of the car and walking, while she and i were trying to figure out what to do. There were some other details I'd rather leave out, mainly his drunken rage leading them to not want to let me stay at home that night (no, he didn't hurt me or anyone else), so she and i went to their house and her husband showed up soon after. I contacted my husband to be sure he got home safely, which he did, and he was clearly blacked out, as he denied the story of what had happened. Also, in the past I'd learned that in these times, trying to talk him down exacerbated the situation, and he'd often tell me to leave him alone. When i learned to leave him alone, he'd sleep it off, even out, and feel horrible the next day about how he acted. I should also note, when he would get in a dark place he'd often threaten suicide, and a couple of times I'd called the police, but mainly he'd calm down, sleep it off, and when he was sober, he'd assure me it was all threats and he'd never do that. Anyway, he began threatening to kill himself, so i told him i was going to call the police. He told me to do it, he'd just do it after they left. So i called them, told them he was suicidal, and that he was aware officers would show up but told me he would kill himself after they left. I was on the phone with him when they showed up, and i spoke directly to one of the officers on his phone. Five minutes later, he texted me and told me he got them to go away, then told me goodbye.. but that he didn't mean suicide, he meant to our relationship. I've since found out that it is required of the officers to remove suicidal people and place them under watch for three days. They gave him five minutes, despite my warning that he'd do it after they left. I urged him to go to sleep, sober up, and we'd talk about it in the morning. The last thing he sent to me was "goodbye. I loved you". This still didn't raise any red flags, because he'd threatened to end our relationship in those dark times too, and never meant it. We had a tornado watch, and one that touched down in town on Sunday morning/afternoon, so i texted him to let him know to be careful. I didn't hear back. A couple of hours later, i asked if he was still asleep, or if he was ignoring me (after a dip, he'd always sleep for hours on end, sometimes all day), and i didn't hear back. About an hour later i had them take me home, but i asked them to wait to make sure he was actually there (he might have gone to the bar) or possibly if he was asleep, i didn't want to be alone and upset. I walked up to my house and his phone was charging on the porch, in the rain, and the front door was standing wide open, storm door unlocked. Which was weird. I went inside, and found him. I ran outside and got the two of them, and all of us panicked. Her husband called 911 and our other close friend immediately, while she tried to calm me down from the brink of insanity even though she was freaking out herself. I've been staying with them since, and they along with our other friend and his girlfriend have been keeping me alive, basically. They've been constantly at my side, feeding me what little i can manage, making sure i stay hydrated, washing my hair on the first morning after when i could barely lift my hand, crying with me, talking through emotions, and now that the initial shock has subsided, offered a chance fit me to smile through shared memories and anecdotes and discussing his amazing, loving, goofy personality (which out shone the monster that lived inside of him and ultimately killed him), his little quirks, mannerisms, etc. I've also been able to see just how many people loved and cherished him and the person he was. My community has been overwhelmingly supportive and caring for me, and absolutely shattered at the loss of him. My Facebook feed has been flooded with photos and stories and words of comfort uplifting not only me, but each other, and there are so many people needing that right now. The bar i work at has displayed his photo on a table outside of the entrance with candles lit, and every night the regulars full up the table with empty bottles of his favorite beer. Every night since Monday night, there has been a memorial event for him somewhere. He had very low self esteem and never saw his own worth, and would often argue with you when you told him how wonderful he was. He also had the most compassionate heart and magnetic personality I've ever come across. I wish he could see how many people are wrecked over the loss of him. And i wish so much i could go back in time with this knowledge and insist even further that he seek help. It's been especially hard on me, my crush and her husband. They saw him too, just after i found him, and they're both traumatized by it, but they're being strong for me. I keep telling them not to, because they need their healing time too. But they've told me that being there for me is helping them too. There's also the fact that we'd just started into a more-than-friends sort of situation, so we were all very emotionally tied, adding to the pain of the situation. So it's a completely fucked up situation all around. I'm currently sleeping in their bed with them because they don't want me to be alone, and they've offered to let me move into the spare bedroom once I'm able to focus on moving forward, and i might take them up on it for a short time, but ultimately, they're newly weds so iwant them to have space, and I'm currently unsure of how the dynamic is going to change, so I'd like to eventually get out on my own. I still have feelings for her, but they're completely drown out by the fact that i lost my heart, the person i love the most in the world, and they lost a very intimate friend. I don't feel like I'm ever going to get to a good place. I do feel so close to both of them right now. They're feeling my pain, and helping me through it despite their own. It's odd how feelings change so quickly.. i was SO enamored by her for so long, and obsessed over every little touch or sign of affection (the night before it happened, i was beaming because she and i were walking around downtown holding hands, and her husband introduced me to people as his "wife's girlfriend", even referred to me that way to his mother, whom I've known since I've known them, and who was also hanging out with us earlier in the evening). Now it all seems.... not like nothing, but pointless. I don't have the person i love most in the world, so my desire for anyone at all has diminished. Maybe not permanently, but all i care about right now and for the foreseeable future is the fact that he's gone, my heart is shattered. But i have an intense need and appreciation for her amazing friendship and presence in my life. I feel like i love her more deeply, but I'm not sure in what way because every emotion i have is clouded by the fact that my deepest love is gone. She and her husband have both been such lights in the darkest time i could imagine. She's been so nurturing and loving and healing, and he's taken on a caring, protective and proactive position. Maybe, if i ever heal from this, i could go back to a revised version of what we were starting, but considering the initial dive into feelings+sex was under a different set of parameters, i don't know how that would work now. I feel like I'm dying inside. It still doesn't feel real. I don't understand why he did it. I do understand, but without experiencing the mental anguish he did, it's impossible for me to fathom it. I just wish he knew how many people loved him so much. I hope he knew how much i do and always will. I miss his eyes. The adoring way he looked at me. His voice, the silly, sweet things he'd always say, things i can still hear him say. His coy little smirk and that sexy swagger in his step. His little moles in his face.. i got to brush my fingers over them for the last time yesterday and it crushed me. Looking at his photos and watching videos of him both bring a smile and a flood of tears. I don't know how to do this. I don't want to start a new life, i want what we had. I know it's not possible, but this hurts so much I can't think straight.
  9. This isn't something I've really discussed with other people. I'm sure everyone is different when it comes to songs & the people in their lives. I know, often, couples will have, what they consider, their song. I also have ones that, when I hear them, remind me of certain people. Interestingly, a few of those I attached to people I wasn't in love. I suppose, at the time anyway, they had held a sort of significance in my life. My husband & my song is, All I Ask of You from Phantom of the Opera. Going on, 19 years together & that song still touches me. I'll even get teary over it sometimes. We did get to see the musical when it had it's long run in San Francisco. There's a song that I've been familiar with for many years. It was part of the soundtrack of a movie we watched the other day. When I heard it, I knew it was meant for a special someone. I will give it it's own post. It's called, The Concrete and the Clay.
  10. Not posted on forums for ages and boy have things changed. As I said before after discussing my bisexuality with my hubby turns out he's bi too so we set out to explore together. We joined a swingers site and found other bi couples. We have met one other couple. The guys played and the girls played. Great fun! I've also had a night away with my bff which resulted in us getting it on unexpectedly. She has always flirted but I was never sure how to take it. Hubby has found a new BFF too through our swinger site who is also bi and great fun. So all in all a very happy journey so far
  11. Tonight was so weird. So was last night, kinda. I definitely learned feelings definitely play into how much i enjoy sex. Started out a normal bar night (i.e. only beer), husband mentioned that he got butter shots served to him in a stripper's cleavage once , that lead me and some girl friends to decide to serve each other that way too (crush wasn't even there btw, different friend group/setting). Sooo we did.. i took from a girl I've made out with on occasion before, and she took from me. It's always been just fun, pretty sure she's a straight girl who makes out with girls while drunk and that's never bothered me because i have zero feelings for her beyond friendship, but she's fun to kiss (though I've avoided kissing her since i started sleeping with my real crush.. because it just feels weird with other women after having "her"). Another lady friend and some random girl traded boob shots too. It was fine, fun, relatively innocent amongst us all. Anyway... apparently the random girl that traded with other friend is bi and in an open relationship. Assuming her husband is straight and she's not. Her name is J. She's extremely sweet and very cute. We all started talking, I immediately told her husband i wasn't looking for another dude, he was cool with it (seriously.. all of my poly friends/acquaintances are straight.. except one or two.. which makes couples hard because they wanna hetero hook up and we both are only into women...) Didn't mention my girl, because it's not a relationship and though I'd love to say "nah, sorry, got a girl", I can't because we're just fucking+great friends right now and it would be weird to insinuate it was more than it is. Probably. I don't know. But rando girl latched onto me, and through some coercion on her part, i ended up in the (super empty and dark) back of the bar with her, she and i finger fucking each other. P.S I WORK HERE, OKAY??? I finger fucked a random girl at my place of employment (don't worry, I'm on the tame end of what all has happened/still happens there, if no one else has gotten in trouble, i definitely won't...). Mildly paranoid someone is gonna find out and tell bossman-owner (very unlikely, btw, boss is out of the loop and anyone who would somehow find anything out could give 2 shits/already know I'm bi, and wouldn't tell because they don't care/support me/know not to tell boss anything because it's more trouble for the messanger because boss is just weird). Anyway. The whole time, it felt wrong and i didn't enjoy it. Couldn't even get turned on, though she was attractive. She seemed super into it, but the whole time my brain was saying "this isn't [crush], this isn't right". I was literally waiting for it to end the whole time. I should have enjoyed it (IT WAS A WOMAN), been ecstatic and wrapped up in it. But i wasn't, and though i don't really regret it, I feel sad, kind of. I feel like i lead rando girl to believe I was more into her than i am (though i really didn't lead her to believe anything, she came on strong and i just went with it, never promised anything), and i also went against what i wanted.. i honestly don't think i want any girl but my lady crush anymore. And even though crush and i aren't exclusive or dating, or even anything with a label meaning I'm supposed to only fuck her and no one else with a vagina (we're both married to men, and there has been no true DTR).... i don't want to tell her. I feel like I've betrayed her, though there's nothing specific to betray, since we haven't defined anything, we haven't pledged to be exclusive, she's not "with me".. we're not in a relationship. I just wish we were... Other weird part. While that was going on, husband was making out with a person in drag. Now, that's happened a few times before (husband's definitely not a 0 on the Kinsey Scale.. he admits to being higher) and he seemed to be having a good time. Then he flipped. Started treating her like shit, telling her to get away. That's never happened before. He's never suddenly volatile against anyone he's been intimate with, regardless of gender, and again.. he's made out with cis men and trans women and men in drag. But it made me feel horrible for V (person in question), though she insisted she understood and knew how to deal with and understand his erratic personality type. He was drunk... he's also been diagnosed with a mental illness, so that often plays in. On the way home, in his drunken stupor, he mentioned that since we both did things we didn't enjoy, it probably was a sign that we should just stick with crush and her husband as far as these things go. I'm 1000% in agreement, at least on my end. I feel horrible that husband lead someone on, and then turned on her. I also feel horrible that I thought i might be into something, literally made a girl cum, then ended up disinterested the entire time and don't really wanna do it again. What the hell did i do?? Unfortunately, they both have our numbers, and I'm gonna need to gently explain to them before it gets out of hand (mostly with the chick i messed around with.. V is aware husband is weirding out already). I just want my lady right now. I don't want an unfamiliar chick. Like has happened before.. i can still smell her on me. But it's not the right smell. It's not the right girl. J doesn't give me those crazy, over-the-moon feelings like my girl does. Another part that's annoying..... last night, i insinuated to the girl (M) who newly runs karaoke at my bar that we weren't mono.. and she expressed interest in husband. Like, after he went inside to pee when we were out smoking, she told me how lucky i am because he's so smart and funny and hot. And i was like... "yeah... *inside brain says "tell her she can fuck him if she wants, BUT WAIT i don't know if he's interested so maybe don't do that until you ask him.."* Mind you, he was drunk, so oblivious to the fact she was into him. Told Sober Him today that M's crushing on him, and he said he'd be into it. Asked me if I'd want to... told him maybe, but probably not but don't let that stop him, I'm totally fine with it. But like... she was hinting to him LAST NIGHT that she thinks he's attractive, and he blew it off because he was drunk (ahem: difficult to handle). Anyway. Not that big of a deal, i just know he's wanted something else but thinks I'm the only person on earth who finds him attractive (dude is legit hot, like David Tennant and Jude Law had a love child kinda hot, even hetero men around here admit he's pretty... doesn't know it and has super low self esteem). We opened up because I'm bi, and needed something he couldn't give, and that evolved. But i got my girl.. i hope.. the only one i want right now. But it's also for him, and i don't want him to restrict himself (except within our boundaries) when he could be experiencing things too. He has needs i can't/don't feel comfortable with fulfilling too, and i wish he'd see that as long as we're communicating, I'm okay with him exploring too. I just feel like he doesn't believe me when i tell him that, but i don't feel like I've given him any reason to not belive me. Ughhhh sorry about vomiting my brain all over this post... the past two days have been weird, and i just wanna cuddle my husband and my girl at the same time (while her H cuddles her)... is it a fucking full moon??
  12. This weekend has been amazing. My crush no longer has a fiance, she has a husband! i was her maid of honor and my husband officiated it. It was small, but so intimate and so so so much fun. I'm over the moon for them and still feel high on the excitement! Thursday night we went out and had a joint bachelor/bachelorette party for them at the bar i work at since her best friend was finally in town and the only other bridesmaid that's above legal drinking age wasn't available for the weekend she and i celebrated. I wasn't exactly sure if she'd told her about the stuff that's happened between us (she moved away before any of it happened), so i was kind of unsure of how affectionate i could be. We all went outside to smoke and she, my husband, and i all squeezed onto a bench with me between them. Husband had his arm halfway around me with his hand resting on the shoulder closest to him, and eventually she started to put her arm around me until she felt his hand, so she pulled back and put her hand on my other shoulder. Then when he got up and went inside, she put it all the way around me, and we stayed like that basically all night. Even when one of us would get up to go to the bathroom or something, when we'd come back, her arm went right back around me. Until she noticed i was wearing the super soft robe i got when we were together one time, and she started stroking my leg.. but then i put my arm around her and kind of rubbed her waist, while she continued to stroke my leg. We left and went to a friend's house eventually to continue to hang out (it was about a 3 block walk) and she slipped her arm through mine and found my hand. We held hands the rest of the walk until we got upstairs.. so i was kinda thinking maybe she told her best friend, but i wasn't sure. In hind-sight, i wish I'd kissed her on the walk to my friend's house.. So then, the wedding on Saturday. It was SO great. Possibly one of the most fun weddings I've gone to, but i might be biased because I'm so excited about the whole ordeal. It was at her hisbands parents' house, and i absolutely love his parents (we go there for the 4th of July every year.. awesome little property right by the river with a wooded area in the lot next to them, and they're the coolest, sweetest people who definitely know how to throw a party). Anyway, after her family left and we got most of the reception area cleaned up, we all stuck around and partied a little more on their front porch. At one point, she, her best friend and i were the only ones on the porch, when her husband came out for some reason. I don't remember what brought it up, but he said something about the first night we'd slept together. I don't remember what at it was. But he said "you know, this night" and started scissoring his fingers together. She and i laughed and were like "that's not EXACTLY how that night went.." (there was no scissoring involved, only oral and fingering). He said "whatever, it was that night, you know what i mean" and scissored his fingers together again and went inside. In front of her best friend. Sooo, I'm pretty sure she told her, because best friend didn't bat an eye at anything that happened or was said either night. Haha. Anyway, we continued to kind of reference that night for a few minutes, i don't remember exactly all that was said. But she made the statement about people falling asleep during it. I told her "oh, that was the second time and it was only [her husband] who fell asleep, and that's why we stopped". She said "i kinda fell asleep the first time too," and i told her "yeah, but that was when all the stuff was done, we all cuddled up and started to fall asleep. Until my dog started barking his brains out and [my husband] got frustrated and wanted to go home. Ughh i did not want to get up and go home, i just wanted to fall asleep there". She said "yeah, that sucked. I just wanted to cuddle and fall asleep together. Oh well, it's just growing pains". Which gave me butterflies. She wants to finish by cuddling and falling asleep together too.. that's what I'm dying for. And i took the "growing pains" statement as reiteration that she's into whatever is going on between us, and wants it to continue and progress (god, i can't wait to see how it progresses...). I also thought it was an interesting choice of words, because her husband had used that phrase after i sent him an apology text for basically hogging her and leaving the guys out the last time we all slept together.. he said something to the effect of "it's all new and there will be growing pains, but i like how it's going and progressing, and I'm excited to see how it continues to progress". Guys.. i think she kind of likes me. Like, ever since we started being physical, I've been afraid I'm just an experience, someone to fulfill her bisexual desires and that maybe anyone she was somewhat attracted to could stand in my place. But I'm really thinking she likes me specifically, and maybe in some weird way more than just sexually.. to some degree like i feel about her. I'm not in love with her by any means, but i love her. I'm extremely drawn to her on a emotional/friendship level, and she makes me so wet i can't think straight sometimes. And our husbands are completely fine with it. Seriously, is this even real life? Sorry. Just needed to get that out there and see if i could get some other opinions. Am i reading too far into things?
  13. Things are complicated right now. Some really good, some really bad. We have a cat who is sick, and everything the vet has tried has failed, and she's miserable and dropping weight quickly despite having an appetite. So we've been discussing putting her to sleep. We're both having difficulty with this, On top of being fairly financially strapped, with vet bills, a friend's wedding coming up, and an impending need for an eye appointment, life has been stressful. Another thing that is definitely my fault, though i have no recollection of it.. Apparently one night about two weeks ago, we were drunk and i made a shitty comment insinuating he couldn't... "get it up" (which i have no idea why I'd say that, as he's never had an issue with performance other than the occasional whiskey dick which never really bothers me because it happens sometimes when you drink.. so I'm confused on why i would say that). It hurt him deeply, which is completely understandable. I feel horrible. I tried to explain to him that i don't remember saying it, i certainly didn't mean it, and that i have no idea why i would say something so terrible and hurtful, but that i was sorry. He said he hasn't been able to since, partially because of the stress of the above situations, and partially because i said what i said. He's convinced I'm not attracted to him, despite my constantly telling him i am. I'm so in love with him. I've been dying to jump his bones, but I'm terrified he'll reject me, or think I'm doing it to appease him. Not necessarily because he's mad at me, but because his self-esteem is low and he tends to punish himself and repeat every negative thing about himself. I hate that this happened. I can't believe I'd say something like that. I don't know how to fix it or prove to him that i do desire him and find him absolutely sexy and attractive. My actions and words haven't convinced him. Apparently my bitchy drunk words spoke louder to his self esteem and it's killing me that i hurt him like that. Any advice on this, beyond continually trying to prove I didn't mean it and don't even remember it?
  14. My husband was killed. And I don't think it could have come at such a bad time for us. So much had gone wrong. He was in and out of the home, blatantly cheating, facing jail time... It was horrifying. But he was broken... He was hurting... Ptsd... I had come to a point were I just wanted to forget everything and love on him. We'd talked... He had been home... It felt like a newer better beginning..... And then he was gone. Within a matter of two weeks he was gone. As I sat with him his last hours, I wanted him back but all I could think about was all the time we wasted being mad at one another. But I think it was his time. He was overwhelmed with life. I was happy he didn't have to suffer anymore. But I'm lonely. I lost me friend. Through all of the hurt, I lost my love. On a different note, many things that néeded to happen has happened since he has been gone. I've found a different sense of purpose... Of how bad things happen for a greater good... My heart hurts many days though. I think all I ever wanted was love and be loved... Moving forward is so questionable...
  15. Again! We had discussed it ages ago and I asked him if he remembered. He said "well, um, it's kind of a hard thing to forget!!" and we had a good laugh about that. He is super okay with it and always has been. I'm so relieved & we are just going to take each day as it comes. Go brave little me!
  16. How long did it take to get over the woman who "turned" you? LOL. More accurately coined as your trigger crush; the person who blew you out of the water and left you questioning (if you have one). I love my hubby. I do not want to hurt him, but my feelings for her far outweigh anything I have felt for him. Perhaps it's just the crush talking there. I know it's not fair to him to still be pining after her. So, my question is how long did it take you to get over your trigger crush?
  17. I hope it's not too obnoxious to start a topic with this title. But he really is and I guess if I had to pick who I would get accepted by, my husband or my crush, the husband and the father of my child is a much, much better choice. Last night, we had a little bit to drink at a friend's New Year's Eve party. When we got home we watched a movie which prompted a lot of open discussion of sexuality and I told him everything I've been holding in: Who I was crushing on (he knew!), that I told her and that it may have had something to do with the end of my friendship with her, I told him about shy's and what goes on here and how much it has meant to me. Then we discussed possible out of marriage arrangements and he was totally open to everything and anything. I told him about the ethical slut book that's been recommended on here a lot, he said we should read it. We talked openly about sexual fantasies, and then tried some out last night. They are amazingly complementary for people who never discussed this before. We've been together for over 8 years and this was the most open conversation we ever had! It was amazing and mind blowing. This is by far the best new year's I've ever had. And I know I am sooo sooo lucky to have found someone so open minded and so well matched to me. Thank you ladies of shy's for being a part of this whole journey for me. And happy new year!
  18. Friday night was one of my crushes's birthday, so we went out with her and her boyfriend. We went to our local gay bar first, where she got very drunk, we did karaoke, and i got some lovely kisses and ass gropes before she and her boyfriend left (if you've seen my other posts, this is the friend who has asked me if i want to fool around). Husband and I stayed for a little longer before heading over to the bar that I work at and seeing some other friends. We have a close gay male friend (call him D) who is ALWAYS joke flirting with my husband and many of our other guy friends, which totally doesn't bother my husband like it might some straight men. My husband has even let him grope him through his jeans, and on occasion will allow a little kiss. All because it's all in good fun, right? Anyway, the other night, he got a little tipsy, and when we walked over to my bar and started talking to our friends, D was one of them. We were all laughing, joking, being ridiculous, when somehow, husband and D started making out. Like, actual making out, and husband seemed to kinda enjoy it? Of course, everyone started cheering them on, laughing etc. As I'm standing there, legs crossed because I'm feeling some sort of feeling between my legs haha. This isn't actually terribly out of the ordinary, my husband has never expressed interest in men (has always said he's definitely straight, but would be okay with certain amounts of touching with a guy) Anyway, the night progressed, we went home, went to bed, and I had to work the next day, as did my husband. About an hour after we'd left the house, he sent me a text saying he'd just remembered making out with D, and that he was a surprisingly good kisser. Then there was discussion of the road conditions, what to do for dinner, etc. Then about a half hour later, he sent another: "Also just got confirmation, apparently there was a point where my dick when into D's mouth last night for a brief second". I responded "Hahaha what? When? Not in front of people, i hope?" He said in the bathroom, and sent a screen shot of his conversation with D. Husband said to him "okay, i definitely remember they're was a grab in the bathroom, but other than that, I'm not sure", to which D responded "i put my mouth around it for a quick second, that was it". Husband responded with "lol okay, not gonna lie, the only thing i find strange about all of this is the fact that i could tell that my dick had been sucked. Apparently that's my superpower". WHAT. I'm at work, husband, and now my panties are soaked! After he sent the screenshot to me, he followed up by saying: "I sent him a message earlier saying that I remembered making out but my dick also felt like it had been sucked and wanted to double-check LOL" then "....so yeah. that's the story of how I discovered that I'm not necessarily bi, but really don't care lol". I've wondered for a bit what his tendencies towards men might mean.. any physical contact he has with men is generally under the pretense of joking around, shock value, and/or being somewhat intoxicated. But that's a WHOLE lot more than what most straight guys would be comfortable with. He's always said he wasn't bi, but once admitted he's probably only 75% straight. He's said he could never take a dick up the ass, but if anything, he MIGHT be able to give it. And in all of our friends' homoerotic joking and pretending to be in love with each other, he always states that he's the top. He and one of my other crushes's boyfriend frequently disappear from gatherings into a closet, the bathroom, wherever and reappear wearing each other's clothes, hair messed up, pants unzipped, shirts on inside out, etc. Obviously joking that they'd been fucking. He kissed a queen at a drag show once, and allowed 3 or 4 guys to all put their hands down his pants (also while drunk). All of this, in the context of joking. And now he's actually had his dick in another guy's mouth. I'm not convinced, because i like to trust what he says, and being that I'm bi, i don't think he'd feel the need to lie to me. However, i remember how i felt before i knew/accepted my bisexuality. I believed I was straight, but I would make out with women "for fun" or whatever. I'd joke that if anything ever happened to him, I'd be a lesbian (which is no longer a joke, and in fact, absolute reality.. i never plan on being with another man for the rest of my life, whether or not he's with me). I'd enjoy kissing women "because they were good at it" and it was different and exciting, but it was really that I enjoyed it because I'm attracted to women, and that part of me was buried at that point. In my experience of accepting I'm bi, my actions and reasons were very similar to what i see from him now. But of course everyone's experience is different. Honestly, I've wished he were bi for a while. Between the fact that our dynamic would be a bit more evenly balanced, and the fact that for the past year or two, dude-on-dude gets me ALLLL hot and bothered, I've hoped that his actions were an indicator that he might not be as straight as he thinks. Is he really just that free and open, or could he be beginning his own path to bisexuality?
  19. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage on almost all accounts. Like, our friends are constantly asking how we have such a perfect relationship. He's loving, understanding, loyal, and supportive. The one area that's horrible is when we fight. Of course all couples fight, but the intensity the past few months has really started to take its toll. We don't argue or even disagree often- maybe a couple of times a month- and we rarely if ever fight about typical couple topics, like finances, jealousy, housework, etc. It's always a minor misunderstanding during a benign conversation, or when he's sleeping through 15 alarms and should be on his way out the door and I'm trying to wake him up. For years, he's made excuses to not seek counseling, but everything culminated the Saturday before Halloween. I was bartending until 4 am, and he was at the bar I work at for the Halloween party we hold. He got trashed, which he normally doesn't do. He didn't even remember having more than a sip of whiskey (literal fighting juice for him) but some of my friends said they saw him do several shots. Which is why he was trashed and blacked out and forgot the shots along with the rest of the night. Anyway, I took him home after we closed up, and he passed out in the passenger seat. Since it was somewhat cold that night, i didn't want to leave him in the car, so i tried carrying him inside (bad idea when the drunk person is a foot taller than you). He lost it. To make a long story short, he did something he's never done, and tried to strangle me. Chased me around the house, pinned me down several times. Smashed my phone, tried to take my house key and threw me outside. Luckily he'd dropped his personal phone in the car earlier, and I'd picked it up to bring it inside, so i had a phone to call for help. He had his work phone. So i called the police, and after going back and forth with them about letting them in to arrest him and not allowing me to even crash at my neighbors because it was too close to home (i knew he was passed out again at that point), i called my coworker that I'd just finished working with and asked to sleep on his couch, which he let me do. I'd like to reiterate that he's NEVER hurt me physically before. I never thought he would or even could. Anyway, the next morning, he called his personal phone several times from his work phone, but since i didn't know what frame of mind he was in, i ignored them. Finally he texted me and asked what happened, and if i was okay. I told him I wasn't okay, but I was alive, and the short version, that he tried to strangle me, and he responded by telling me to call the cops and have him arrested. I told him i already spoke to the cops, and that at most, he would have a court date if the city decided to press charges (which they did, so now i get to deal with this whole situation again). He asked to speak to me, and i told him only in a public place, which he understood completely. My coworker lives upstairs from the bar i work at, so we decided to meet in the parking lot. I sat and cried for a while with my other coworker, who lives down the hall from where i stayed (i originally called her, but she was asleep), then headed down to talk to him. I'd only seen him cry one other time before this incident. He's broken down in tears several times since, while thinking about this. We talked, i told him the whole story, because the only thing he remembered was a phone smashing and he thought it was a dream until he rolled over and tried to cuddle up to me and i wasn't there, then he walked out of the bedroom and saw the mess. He told me he wanted to get help immediately. And he did. He did all of the footwork to get us into counseling, his excuses of not having the time or money were thrown aside, and we've been seeing someone weekly ever since. Things have improved, but we still can't push past the screaming and yelling. This morning I was trying to wake him up and he freaked out on me again. Not physically, just yelling. Telling me I used a shitty tone (i don't remember my tone being shitty.. loud, maybe, since he was sleeping like a rock, but i could be wrong). I kept responding in quiet tones to try to bring him back down, but it didn't work. He left, yelling me he hopes he dies today. Which kills me. He drives a long distance each day for work, and one of my biggest fears is finding out he's been in an accident. Doubly so when I'm fearing that angery words might be the last things he says to me. I don't know what to do. We haven't gotten to the point in therapy about fighting fairly. That will be next week. But we've discussed that we need to work on it. I'm just afraid that he won't try. Today, when i was nearly whispering while he was yelling makes me think that. I even told him we need to be rational and not scream at each other. He didn't care. I just don't know what to do. Everything in our marriage is perfect, except for the fact that we just can't fight in a productive way.
  20. So, after months of not really having anything more than a few nibbles on various sites, I found a woman whose conversation I really like. We "met" online on Monday and haven't stopped talking since. For the past two nights, we've been on the phone for hours, last night being a nearly four hour long conversation. She's not my exact type, per se, but there's a feeling of a connection there. I think about her often during the day and can't wait for her texts. She's about 2.5 hours away from me, in San Diego, and coincidentally we'll be there for a week next month. I really dig her. My husband is not too happy. After giving me "permission" to speak to other women in a more than friend way, he's now freaking out. Throughout the week I've attempted to be honest with him, to which he replies, "I don't want to hear it right now." Okay. Fine. Then last night, she wanted to chat. It was around 9pm, I don't have kids and my husband is knocking out already at that time to get up early in the morning, but last night, he was still semi-awake. She and I talked from 9pm-1am, with me being in the living room. At one point he must have gotten up and overhead our conversation. Now, he agreed to let me talk to a woman in a sexual way, if I must, but that meeting a woman would require much more talking before he'd give me "permission" to do so. Around 1am, he gets up and leaves the house to throw the trash and check on his car. He NEVER does that. Then, as I go to bed and he's not talking to me, he clings to the edge of his side of the bed to create an obvious distance from me. Throughout the night, he arbitrarily repeats things he must have overheard me saying, "The ball is in your court." I guess I said that to her about possibly hanging out? She and I have agreed to at least a friendship though, nothing more. He muttered some other things but I was drifting to sleep, mainly happily hungover from still talking to her. Then first thing morning as he was leaving, he said, "Guess you're making plans to shoot pool with her or go hang out a comedy club" and some other things I was too sleepy to pay attention to, but as he was walking out of the house, he mentioned getting a divorce. I'm...at a loss. Apart of me still feels awful, like I'm being selfish (for wanting to be w/a woman while married). Like I want my cake and eat it, too. He, however, did agree that I can TALK to a women in a more than friend way, going into a sexual nature. That's not how she and I were talking. He also agreed if I wanted to meet anyone, he'd consider it. Just last week he asked me, "Are you talking to these women to try and see if you want to hook-up with them or to confirm you're bi?" And he said it in a very loving, reassuring tone that he's on board for all of this. Now this? And there's apart of me that doesn't care. He's too back and forth and I'm tired of it. I'm honest w/him, it's not like we have kids and I'm taking time away from them, and I've been talking to her while he's asleep so it doesn't take time away from him, but all I can think about is how much I enjoy talking to her. I guess I'm just venting. I really don't know how to react to him, now. Not sure if I'll hear from him all day. I think I'm sure I'll hear the divorce word dropped again.
  21. So i have been spending quite a lot time on this site and my husband is starting to complain that he feels a little bit neglected. So i know now not to get carried away with the site when he is arround. But i am interested to know how you find balance between doing things to satisfy your craving and investing in your current relationship. What have you found that works well/ doesn't work?
  22. Hello ladies, Sorry for those of you who have wasted time reading this thread, but the decision of my friend I was mentioning in this thread (the thread was not about me) is a deletion of this thread. She would prefer no whatsoever connection in relation with Shy from now on. So, I will edit this change now, as I do not believe I am entitled to delete the whole thread by myself? I contacted a moderator, Lilac_lover, to ask her advice on that. If anybody knows if I can delete a thread by myself, please let me know! Sorry about that!