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Found 30 results

  1. I personally don't mind it. But what is your take on that?
  2. Many of us have been in abusive relationships, and it seems each day there's a new thread or post about someone who thinks they might be, so I thought it might be helpful to put a few things together in one place. Whether you're in an abusive relationship, recently freed yourself from one, watching someone you love in one, or something else, this thread can offer something for you. It is and will likely continue to be a work in progress. I invite all members who have some experience with abuse and/or links to resources to post with the hopes of helping other members find health and happiness. I will link some of the threads already on the site with stories of abuse so that they might help others. Please hare how you experienced the signs of abuse, how they affected you mentally, what kept you from leaving, how you got out, and anything else you feel might be relevant and helpful to others. Remember that abuse isn't always physical, and doesn't always become physical. Abuse can be emotional, narcissistic, financial, psychological, sexual, etc. It can include shaming, gaslighting, isolation, violation of boundaries, making you feel trapped, invalidation, minimizing, feeling like you need to walk on eggshells, and many other unhealthy behaviors. Rarely is it all bad, either, which adds to the confusion. In the beginning, it is often fairy tale wonderful, and even as the relationship continues, we catch glimpses of this, just enough to give us hope that things might improve someday. Few would stay with someone who treated them badly 100% of the time, but many of us have stayed even being treated poorly 90% of the time. NO ONE deserves to be treated like this. I will also include some definitions and links as I build up this post. I can add helpful resources to the original post as they come up. Many of the links below are on very helpful sites with lots of other posts, so feel free to click around. Please feel free to create your own threads with questions, as this post is more dedicated to answers and resources. *********************************************************************************** Characteristics of an abusive relationship Excerpt: The relationship may be abusive if one of the partners: Withholds affection or approval as a form of punishment. Criticizes and shouts at their partner, or calls them mean, negative, and hurtful names. Ignores their partner's feelings and insults their beliefs, ideas, and/or values. Lies to their partner to manipulate and control their thoughts. Insists their partner look a certain way. Humiliates their partner in public. Keeps their partner from seeing and having contact with friends and family. Prevents their partner from communicating with others or restricts their means of communication, such as taking away their phone or computer. Withholds resources such as money or transportation. Makes their partner feel guilty if they spend time with other people, thereby isolating them. Puts their partner in dangerous situations, such as driving recklessly, driving under the influence, or abandoning them. Displays violent and threatening behavior, like throwing objects, or hitting, punching, or slapping their partner. Locks their partner out of the house, or traps them in a room. Rapes or sexually assaults their partner, or threatens to do so. Threatens to commit suicide if their partners leaves or confide in someone about the abuse they are facing. Threatens to hurt their partner or their loved ones, including themselves. Threatens to kill their partner if they leave or confide in someone about the abuse they are facing. A person may also be in an abusive relationship if they: Experience fear in their partner's presence, or fear of what they may do to them. Want to leave the relationship but feel as though they cannot. Believe they deserve to be harmed or punished by their partner. Feel guilty or feel like everything is their fault. Are afraid of being alone with their partner. Signs you're in a toxic relationship General info about abusive relationships Narcissistic abuse Signs you've been abused by a narcissist Gaslighting: manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. Signs you're being gaslighted More about gaslighting Isolation Financial abuse Financial abuse from Women's Law MANY helpful links on this site- click around!!! Signs of a sexually abusive relationship Physical and sexual abuse Getting the courage to leave Recovering emotionally Unspoken Secrets about Life After Abuse Rules of No Contact Hoovering and No Contact Gray Rock Additional sites with many helpful articles and links: One Mom's Battle: about divorcing a narcissist, especially if you have kids Narcissisticabuse.com Loveisrespect.org National Domestic Violence Hotline Darkness to Light child sexual abuse Luke 17:3 Ministries Christian-based abuse resources, excellent even if you are not Christian Out of the Fog info and forum about personality disorders Books you may find helpful: Divorcing a Narcissist series by Tina Swithin In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George Simon Jr. PhD Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD and Randi Kreger BIFF Response by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. *************************************************************** ShyBi Threads:
  3. Hi guys! Advice really needed... So, to try to sum it up - this girl and I have been "together" for about six months. I put air quotes around together because we had reservations and we, by no means, were in a full blown relationship. It was my first same sex relationship and I was honestly very scared sometimes. And she knew this, and was supportive. We texted every single day for 6 months, no breaks or anything. At first, it felt really good and we were like so into each other. Then slowly, things just started to fade. I honestly think it was because we just didn't progress at all, and we needed to take the next step. We would start fighting and bickering more often, over really petty things. Everything she said started to get on my nerves and I would feel as if i was just bored of talking to her. There were several times where we had really big fights and she asked me for space and I said no, because I was afraid of losing her. In retrospect, I should've said yes. We never had sex, or even really kissed. When we would hang out we would sometimes get cuddly but nothing would ever happen. We never really progressed over the 6 months we talked because I was so in my head and not willing to accept my sexuality yet. I pushed her away all the time because of it. I'm only out as bisexual to a few of my friends and sort of my dad. I'm almost 21 years old and I still live with my parents. Same with her. But deep down, we just got each other emotionally and mentally and we had this amazing connection that was being overshadowed by a bunch of stuff that didn't matter. A few days ago, we got into a huge fight over something really stupid. It ended in us ending things, for real. She told me that we didn't have enough in common and it was just getting to be too hard to think of new things to talk about, which I agree with her. But we shouldn't be ending things because of that. If we had spent more time together in person and actually tried to go on dates and make memories together, we wouldn't be running out of things to talk about. But we still really care for each other and are still very much attracted to each other nonetheless. I told her I needed space and that we would re-assess where we were in a few days. We left things on good terms and we were both nice about it. I cant help but think that we just didn't give it a real try. Like, I feel like I'm willing to give it another shot, a fresh start. During this time that I've been not talking to her, I've realized how much I miss her and that I genuinely don't want to give up on us before I give it all I have. I think we just needed space from each other to get some clarity. I have no idea if she will agree with me or if I'm just very sad right now and trying to convince myself we should give it another shot. I just need some advice - do you guys think I should see if she wants to give it another shot? Or maybe try to be friends first for awhile and see where it goes? I'm not sure what to do, I was planning on giving it about another week before I talked to her again anyway. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you very much!
  4. Just wondering--what sort of relationship do you hope to have with a woman? Are you looking for something long term--falling in love, marriage even--or do you see yourself involved more casually, in a friends-with-benefits situation or hook-ups and one night stands? Or do you plan to act on your desires for a woman at all? I'm curious where everyone stands on this. For me, I wouldn't say I'm strictly looking for a woman; I'm just open to meeting who I meet. It may be that I meet a guy I really like, and that'd be fine. But I am a bit (ok, a lot) biased toward the hope that I meet a girl. When and if I do, my aim would absolutely be to fall in love and ultimately get married. I want that deep, emotional, soul connection. What about you?
  5. Hi all, very new here, and I was just wondering if any of you had tried swinging as a way to explore your bisexuality? My husband came out as bi recently, and pretty much immediately wanted to try swinging. (I had been out for a few years, but never acted on it.) I was curious and didn't take much convincing. We met two lovely couples that way, and both had experiences with the same sex. (And the opposite sex, too.) It was a lot of fun, and initially, I was really glad it had happened. But I'd be lying if I said we hadn't run into problems as a result of it. Jealousy has pretty much reared its head for both of us, and we agreed to take a break while we re-evaluated things. Our marriage seems solid, but I still feel like doing it again would be playing with fire, even though the husband would probably love to do it again. So I was just wondering if any pf you had experience with swinging, and if so, how did it impact your relationship? How did you navigate all the issues that crop up? And would you do it again? Thanks!
  6. A lot of people like myself like to say that we don't have a type. Honestly, I've been pleasantly surprised by unexpected crushes and like to keep an open mind because of that. As a pretty inexperienced baby bi who is freshly getting into this dating game, mostly online dating I've noticed that although I have an open mind, there are some big Deal Breakers for me. -racist or prefers not to date certain races -smokers. No shade but I've had some really rough experiences being asthmatic, so smoking would really suck -rude or arrogant -no ambition, dreams or goals for their ljfe I feel like there might be more but those are the ones that would get a hard no from me Let's start a conversation, what are your deal breakers/turn offs?
  7. For those of you who have been in a relationship with another woman, what's the most romantic thing you've done? My ef girlfriend lived 40 - 60 mins from me when we were dating. I would make this drive an deliver a single rose to her door. Not just one rose. I wanted her to collect a bouquet. She is German, so I hand wrote German poems by Goethe and attached them to the rose. When she asked me if I knew anything about it, I refused to acknowledge anything. But then when I visited her on the weekend, there they were sitting in a vase. She loved it. I invited her to go to a White party with me where I introduced her to my circle of friends. She sent me pictures asking me which dress I thought she should wear. I went on J. Crew website and ordered and had a dress delivered to her door which perfectly matched her personal style. It arrived during the day just before she was set to leave from work and come to my house to get ready for the party. The look on her face when she pulled it out from her bag and how much she loved it was priceless. Anyone else gone to great lengths?
  8. I am curious to know what the women in this forum want from a woman in terms of their bi relationships. Are you looking for casual sexual encounters, an emotional connection too, or a full-blown love affair? There are quite a few posts where people seem to think that they can control the emotional side of things once they begin to have a sexual relationship with a woman, and I'm sure many of us know that this isn't the case. Sex with a woman can be an extremely intense and powerful experience (and downright explosive!), very different from sex with a man (even one you are genuinely in love with), so it isn't to be underestimated. For those of you who are in more than one relationship and/or who are in a relationship with a woman who is involved with someone else, how do you handle jealousy and other emotional complications? I personally find navigating the emotional landscape of two relationships at once very difficult, and have sometimes felt consumed with jealousy about my lover being with her boyfriend/husband, even though I am with someone else too (I know, it's totally hypocritical, but it's very difficult to control this sort of thing...).
  9. Hi ladies, my name is Alyssa. I've been lurking on the site for a minute but decided to finally introduce myself. I'm 23 and I live in Jacksonville, FL. I recently made the decision at the start of the new year to start dating women exclusively. I'm super excited, but also very nervous about taking this step in my life. I've come out to a couple of my close friends but haven't yet told any family members. I've felt attraction for other women for about seven years, since I was a junior in high school. I've tried rationalizing it away and thinking it was just a phase or something but as time has gone on my desire for women has become almost a hunger. My senior year in college I started attending some LGBT events and made a lot of new friends but thought maybe it was just a curiosity I needed to scratch. But for the past year or so, I think about women all the time. With Valentine's Day coming up, I'm a little sad I don't have that special lady to spend it with and that's part of the reason I decided to introduce myself now to just fellowship with like-minded ladies who may be experiencing something similar. I'm really glad to be here and I look forward to meeting some great new people. XOXO, Alyssa
  10. Well, today I found out that my Girlfriend was already dating a guy before I even got the chance to tell her that I think we should be friends. Wow! I'm not hurt but pissed now. She lead me to believe she was interested in a monogamous relationship with me. She even sat me down to tell me what she was "about." Meaning not dating more than one person at a time. She said she had " been with women" but not had a relationship with one but, that she really vibes with me and that it wasn't about what someone had between their legs for her but, what they felt. But then, when I'd try to ask her out, after we had been intimate, she was always busy. I had started to pick up signs that she wanted out but wasn't woman enough to admit it. So, that's why I ended it. Now she's following me around like a lost puppy, not because she wants me back but, because we work together and she doesn't want me mad or drama at work. She's afraid I'll post the many nude photos of herself that she sent me in the short time we dated. Sigh, I hope most women aren't like her. If they are, I'd rather be alone. 1
  11. So my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We are not the perfect couple although I know some people think we are and always talk to me about how we work the truth is I never really knew or understood. I do love him but recently we have been spending time apart which has allowed me to see how much I have been ignoring. We argue a lot about stupid things, often he is angry at me because I am not who he wants me to be. I am not 'fitter' 'faster' 'less picky' and I am not always 'available'. The thing is I have never pretended to be any of these things. He knew who I was when we got together but all of a sudden he hates aspects of me that never bothered him before. He now disrespects me for these things when he is stressed, and I argue with him because I feel picked on. We never resolve any arguments instead we both get distracted by friends and family then continue like it never happened. Or I would tell him I am not happy that we are not in a good place, he will agree then respond 'Now is not the time to talk'. Together we are so broke, he was an actor when I met him and now he work with kids so he makes very little money. I have moved from one post to another trying to get a better wage which I Know he resents me for. He often express how much he hates my places of work because I cant socialise with him and his friends. The result of this has meant we have been living with my mother. He convinced me it was temporary till we got on our feet, its been a year and a half, it truly looks like that is never going to happen. So we are stuck at my mums and he hates me working long hours but doesn't make enough money for me to quit. I realise now that we have had moments when the relationship was so bad my attempts to fix them was to escape and we did many times from 2015 we were constantly travelling. Only returning home to make money for the next trip, but you cant distract yourself forever, He is not a bad guy, in fact he is awesome so much so my entire family love him. He is honestly a loving kind hearted man. It's just that because we aren't working anymore he treats me different when he is stressed. Often he would apologise or we would agree to move on. I hate to dwell on things or make arguments last longer then they need to. If I deem them to be stupid arguments its easier for me to move on. But I now feel like I may have let too much pass. At this stage I feel like breaking up with him will be like breaking up two big families. I mean literally to the stage where my mother has a great relationship with his family, and so I feel overwhelmed. How do I break up with him? I don't want to make him homeless but I don't want to stay in this rut. how do I become strong again? Am I going crazy and over reacting to a 5 year bump? is this what relationships eventually turn into when the passion has fizzled?
  12. I have two strongly opposing core desires: Freedom and connection. Having been married (and in several relationships) which I felt very controlled, I have a strong desire for freedom, and to do things my way now. In fact when anyone tries to tell me how to do something, or I feel the slightest hint of an attempt of control of me (whether real or imagined) I get triggered. But at the same time I desire connection with another woman, and a future relationship. I guess connection is a really basic need for everyone, but relationships not so much for all. What I want to know is can we still feel free in a relationship? How does it work?
  13. Hey guys! I need some advice on my ongoing situation. To keep it short, there's this girl who I'm basically in love with. She's a year older than me and we work together, but over the past month or so we've become insanely close out of the blue. I've known her for a few years now but we never really used to talk at work or even notice each other much until last month, which was super strange. I have no idea why it happened. At first, i was getting vibes from her and she was definitely flirting with me. We are very touchy with each other and it doesn't feel awkward or weird. One day, she mentioned something about how she used to think she was a lesbian because she could never get any guys in high school or something like that. But other than that, she hasn't ever really verbally confirmed her sexuality. I'm assuming she's straight. She has a boyfriend and they are serious, they've been together for at least three years. I'm bi, and I think she knows. I've talked about having feelings for girls (or a girl) before to her. Lately, my feelings and attraction for her have skyrocketed and it's starting to drive me insane!!! I have no idea what to do or how to proceed. I want to be with her all the time and cuddle and be intimate with her...it's not even necessarily sex. I just want to be close with her all the time, and when I am with her I'm so happy. I miss her so much every second i'm not with her, which is quite a lot. I'm worried if I tell her, it could make things awkward between us and I don't want that because we work together. I think she'd be understanding, but you never know. Especially since she has a boyfriend. She's never ruled out being attracted to women or being willing to experiment before. Basically, I just don't know how to proceed. I'm seeing her again in a few days and I'd like some advice on how I can either talk to her about my feelings without it becoming terribly awkward (we're both in our early 20's). Thank you so much! :-)
  14. Welp, it’s official. I can’t do it. And by that, I mean I’ve been kicked off the ‘fun’ train of exploring sex with strangers. This is technically no surprise; I’ve always been that way. I’m not that type of person who gets a kick out of having flings and sexting random people online that I have no connection with. But since discovering my bisexuality, I have realized even more that I’m truly a demisexual. I have joined the Kik app a while back because I had a couple of women from Cafemom there that needed chat buddies. Of course, they were from sexual type groups, so quite obviously, I knew they’d be some sexual talk involved. I didn’t mind that. What I DIDN’T expect was for them to be so overly fucking horny that they’d actually pressure me into sharing pictures of myself. Nude pictures of myself. I didn’t know how bad it was out there. The groups are full of alternative thinking moms, lesbian moms, and bisexual moms. I didn’t know how serious the sexting world was until I stepped into that arena and got bombarded by ladies private messaging me and trying to get me to show myself. I thought these things would take time. If anything, i thought that this would be a group effort or group pressure. But nope. Some of the ladies talk to me privately and within minutes of meeting them, they’re flashing me a titty pic or their flat asses in a thong. Like I said, obviously, I kind of expected this stuff, even though this was my first time in that sexting world. But I didn’t expect the ladies to show their stuff so soon and beg me to to it also. I mean, literally beg. One lady was seriously fucking coaxing me into showing her an ass pic, even after I told her a couple of times that I wasn’t comfortable with it. Like, damn, why are they so desperate? Isn’t sharing porn pics enough? Apparently, it wasn’t enough. They want to see YOU. Is that supposed to make it seem more genuine? Of course, hubby knew that I was trying out these sexy Kik groups, and he was semi-okay with it as long as I didn’t show any nude pics. But I honestly had no desire to show myself, anyway. I can’t get that intimate with someone until we’ve established a relationship. My mind won’t let me do it. I don’t just throw my naked bits out there to the internet. Who knows if these women are even women at all? Hell, you never know these days. Could be transwomen. Could be men trying to see these pics. I trust nothing. I love talking about sex like anyone else, but I don’t like the feeling of being pressured into showing myself. If I’m not doing it, I’m not doing it. That should be the end of it. But I should have known better. I know this world and how people react sexually. If they’re showing something, they want something in return, even though I never actually asked for any nudes from them. They just… shower one another with it. So for now, I’m in the process of weeding myself out of some of these toxic groups. I can’t deal with the pressure. It’s nice seeing the daily tit, ass, and pussy pics (most of which aren’t even attractive enough for me, sad to say LOL), but I still have some morals. One of which don’t include showing nude pics to goddamn strangers. Only someone who loves me and cares for me deserves to see me naked. And even though I feel like a damn prude for it, I’m a happy prude and I’ll stay that way.
  15. Hey guys, so I'm apologizing now for how long this is going to be, but I need to get it off my chest... So I've been married to my husband for 3 years now and together for 4 years. I'm 23 and he's 29 and I'm raising his stepchild as my own (I adopted her because her mom chose not to be in her life) and I love her to pieces and love being her mom. My husband has always been my best friend, but he's been different the last few months. It's hard to explain it, but he has gotten super controlling- like to the point where he's always questioning what I'm doing, why it's taking me so long, why I want to do things with friends, who is going to be there and exactly where we'll be going and when, etc. He's been getting crappy with me over stupid things, and accuses me of having an attitude with him when I don't have one at all. It is always random when his moods change and he gets shitty with me, but he's so up and down that it's exhausting. He has no idea that I'm into women and honestly if I ever told him I don't know if he'd even stay with me. A couple weeks ago I was hanging out with a mutual friend in our yard just talking (friend happens to be another guy, but we hang out all the time and we were out in the open in broad daylight and out kids were playing in the yard too so it wasn't like intimate by any means.) and having a beer and he texts me from inside to come in. I replied and said i'd be in in just a few minutes because I was visiting. He then got crappy and when I went in to grab another beer from the fridge, started yelling at me like he was accusing me of messing around. (It absolutely crossed my mind because this friend of ours was super good looking and had a thing for me, but I made it clear that I wasn't that type of person and that we could only be friends.) and yelling that I just want the single life and I don't want to be married anymore, demanding to know why I wanted to hang out with this guy, etc. He went so far as to back me into a corner and yell at me demanding "the truth" and he was in my face so much that I could feel his spit hitting my face. (note: I NEVER question the people he hangs out with or why he's going where he's going because he's never given me a reason to doubt him and I haven't given him reason to doubt me either.) I am very passive-aggressive and I walked back outside to cool off for awhile after that and he hasn't done it since. I don't plan on leaving because my step-daughter needs me and I've promised her that I'll always be around. To top it all off, he'll go 5-7 months without giving up sex or anything. I've tried lingerie, offering a threesome with another woman (I obviously wouldn't mind that lol), giving him a free pass to be with someone else, offering to give him a BJ (which he used to beg for) and asking for nothing in return even though he hasn't gone down on me in over a YEAR, I've tried ignoring him, being flirty, begging, role playing, talking dirty, being discreetly provocative by like brushing up against him and stuff.....nothing works. Nothing. We just had sex for the first time in 6 months, it lasted 5-10 min and he didn't even try to get off. During those 6 months, he'd wake me up in the middle of the night and attempt sex, then stop because "his back hurt", "his legs hurt", "he was too tired", and once, he let me get on top because his back hurt and right when I started to find my rhythm and stuff, he goes "are you almost done?" and I was like "Well, no..." and he goes "Well could you hurry up because my back hurts...you can go ahead and finish though..." and I rolled off of him and had to fight back tears because I have to ask him to like touch my boobs or grab me or do anything with his hands anymore. It's like he's there physically but somewhere else in his head. My emotions are all over the place because I love him so much, but he's all over the place and I feel like he's putting my sexual needs on the back burner to literally everything else and I hate that but I also feel like I'm being really selfish here. He gets SOO crappy anytime I even try to talk about sex or my needs or anything and he gets SO annoyed and says "I need to stop putting so much emphasis on sex/pressuring him and grow up"... I just don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life....I need advice.
  16. Inspiration: This poem came from a situation recently I experienced which, can't be summed up easily, but I will try without going into way too much past history. I have a friend. We had a past, in that we were in love once upon a time, but though emotions were intense through an LDR and I'd even went to visit her a few times, we never really got together due to other complications. Things were sort of open between us, in that we went on our separate ways, dated people, and though it was talked about on numerous occasions about possibly moving in with one another, or trying to step up our relationship it didn't happen for a number of reasons... It goes a little something like this: We met in a chat room years ago. She and I hit it off instantly, but she had multiple interests. Though she was my primary one, I let myself get wrapped up in other people too. And there were offline people I was interested in as well. It may be putting too fine a point on it saying we were teenagers, and we both had other interests, and were likely all over the place emotionally for that fact, still trying to find ourselves by losing ourselves in others. But if she'd have cast aside her other admirers I would have only been with her. Or at least I would like to think so. Being older and hopefully a bit wiser than I was then, I've come to the conclusion that part of the reason that didn't happen, was because neither of us was really ready to handle that kind of commitment in our lives at that time. In any event, we went on to write countless letters to each other, and called all the time. We stayed in near constant contact with each other even though our relationship wasn't clearly defined by labels, we both loved each other very much and knew it, but we went on about our lives... But then came a year in which for varying reasons we lost contact. I had a lot going on in my real life around then, and had gone offline with no internet access for most of it. Eventually I began to go to the library when they started to offer free access, and went back to the old chat room where we had met and she was on. She was happy to see me, still had feelings for me, etc. However she'd met a guy in the chat room while I was gone, they had not only moved in together during that time, but become engaged. I was in shock at the time. Eventually over the years we'd talk about the state of things, and she was sure she wanted me to be with her, but she could never really say in what way. If I would just be a friend and roommate or if she wanted me to be her lover as well as her fiance'. Doubts circulated among all three of us if it would work, and no matter how many times it crept up in our conversations over the years, it would get shot down for one reason or another. I stopped bringing it up eventually because, I got tired of the old wounds it reopened. I had mourned and gotten over her though I still loved her, but that aspect of our relationship I let go of, because I didn't see any conceivable way it could ever happen. Fast forward to a few years ago. She tells me she met and fell in love with another guy online. That he was going to move in with her and her boyfriend (no longer fiance') and that he would be a second boyfriend to her. So whatever, her life, I had mixed feelings about it but I had a boyfriend myself by this point (and had come to the conclusion for myself that she had before me that I had need for multiple people. Although in my case if my boyfriend and I were not together, I'd only be seeking a woman to build a relationship with) so who I was I to judge really? Then we come to just last month. We'd been on and off contact for a while. Then when we do, really get to talk again, she relates to me how boyfriend # 2 left her, and she had broken up with boyfriend # 1. However, she pretty much would have the same exact life with boyfriend # 1 as she'd always had before. Unless she met someone to 'replace' him with she wouldn't leave him. However she brought up the idea, that maybe I (or my boyfriend and I) could fill that niche for her, and be with her in a real relationship. Now that floored me. Because I felt it was a more serious offer from her, but I didn't take it. For one, she wanted to be with me, but she would eventually have to have another man. On the surface of it she's always been more straight, and I'm like her 'exception' to the rule. Whereas I can't fault her for needing someone else (as I have a boyfriend myself, and she's okay with this) it's more the fact that she may very likely put me on the back-burner for the male attention even if she didn't realize it. Another problem I have with it, is I doubt it would be a very equal partnership. She tends to have things more her way than she realize, or uses others as an excuse for her own actions. She's very responsible otherwise, but her priorities can get skewed. It would not work out even though this looks like everything I'd want on the surface, dig deeper and you find the faults...There's so many other reasons I could get into but the thing that trumps all other reasons is I just don't feel that way about her anymore. And that's where this came out of: Out of Turn, Out of Time. So many people seek, what so few can find, ask to gain, when to part with they would mind, Why would you demand, that which you fail to give, Why would you take my hand, then tell me how to live. Why can't you understand, what you seek is in the past, How can you want me, when what you need can't last, I am not her, I can't be who I was then, Those feelings have died, never to rise again. A flower in your garden, without sun cannot bloom, Fighting for affection, would surely seal it's doom, I will not be one among many, though I ask that too, It is only one other I ask also to share with, not everyone like you. The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few, I could never have enough, or be enough for you. Why did you wait until now, to reveal these feelings to me? Thinking I'd always be around, ready to scale your tree? And pluck your forbidden fruit, sours before the taste, Twists to ashes in my mouth, such a bitter waste, Enslaved to pretty promises, I will not take that bait, For all that we are friends, and all that our meeting may have been fate, For anything else, what you offer is far too little, too late.
  17. I think I will endeavor to try to post a little something here everyday. For today I decided to go with a poem. Even though this has been posted elsewhere on this website, I thought it might not hurt to post here. I may occasionally pull relevant things off, to put here off the main website. I wrote this after a failed attempt at a relationship, and a more botched attempt at a friendship to follow after things went bad. She was a fellow Shy, so I'm not going to get into it. But, I think I should put down my inspiration here, because to me that is as important, if not more so than the poetry that it inspires itself...Maybe someday we can talk without the rawness and the pain getting in the way, but for now I doubt it. Though only time will tell... Today Today is a day like no other, It's a day I haven't cried, Haven't felt I died, Because of all the feelings left untried, when my heart hadn't been ripped asunder. Yesterday was like the others, giving too much of myself away, wishing there was someone to say, I'll help you hold your fears at bay, not leave you like all the others. Tomorrow will be a day, just another, Please let it be better than this Let me not long for your kiss, Don't let me imagine such bliss, If I'll never be your lover. Next day, could be like the others, or the start of something new, but with who, if not with you? I'd rather not try just to be blue, Better keep my heart undercover. Then one day, when I'm brave unlike the others, I'll admit that though I love you, You won't come back and we're through, And nothing more will your heart move, So I'll boldly venture out and seek another. But days come and they go, they start and they end, I will always miss you, and wish you were at least my friend, Maybe Fate will take pity, or you'll see I meant no harm, A miracle will grace us, Maybe another times the charm, But I don't hold my breath, when all I want from you, is to be in your life, That's all I ask it's true. But that day, not like the others, I'll run and embrace you, as whatever you'd want me to, labels hardly matter whatever we may do, Just let me be there and show how much I care. Because another day spent without you. is another day lost, another day we could have shared.
  18. Okay here is the situation, I have met a woman who is single and bisexual. She likes me and my husband. My husband is open to me dating women and having relationships with them. He only ask that I am open about how I feel. He believes that communication is all he needs. That being said this woman wants to be our Unicorn. I actually have never written this option out. My question is have any of you had a relationship like this? If you have had this kind of relationship, do you have any advice? She and I have talked about the one rule that would have to be followed. She and I can be intimate without him, but my husband and she cannot. This is because he feels it would be better this way. My husband is okay with this type of relationship, but he wants me to be happy. He has told me it is up to me if I want to go this direction. He would be fine if she and I date only. I want to thank you all in advance for your advice.
  19. Another thread reminded me of a discussion I've had many times in my past two relationships. Is dating someone of the same gender as your existing partner the same as dating someone of the opposite gender? Do you prefer one of each, if you are not exclusively monogamous? If you are in a heterosexual relationship, where you are allowed to date women, are you also allowed to date men? Is your husband allowed to date women? Opinions?
  20. Ok. Here we go. I have had one girlfriend. I don't know how emotionally intimate we were able to achieve. She was still struggling with her sexual identity and involved with a man at the time. So for me, it was emotionally damaging. Because I felt like her focus was just on saying what she wanted me to hear to keep me in the relationship. I think she loved me. I pursued her pretty hard because of the risk. But I felt like I was giving more effort than was reciprocating, and for me it became toxic. That said, if I were to meet a woman and fall in love with her. Not just physical intimacy or even intimacy as friends. What does it look like to embrace not just a sexual identification of bisexuality? But an identification to be able to form deep emotional intimacy and a strong lasting relationship with both genders? Some people here have taken that journey. Many have just gone down that path to identify mostly as lesbian or mainly focused on emotional intimacy as well with other women. But I would appreciate looking into this topic about committing in a relationship with deeper intimacy and connection with women. Please share your experiences or observations.
  21. So, a few years ago now when I first became a moderator here I decided to write a blog explaining my life to date, my journey if you will. A little background on the woman who'd become your new mod. But, after deciding to leave shybi shortly after, I deleted that blog along with my profile before I left. Looking back at that now it seems kinda foolish, mostly because I didn't back up a copy before I erased it, and because of that here I sit at my keyboard once again. At the moment I'm trying to remember what I shared, but my memory isn't my best feature so I guess I'm starting this from scratch. So here goes... This will likely be my only blog, like an extension of my profile if you will. Just to let you all know who I am and why I'm here. Maybe I can help some of you with my story in the process. I'm not one to overshare usually, not with strangers anyway, but I do like to use my experiences in life in order to help others, so I'll try to do this without going into too much detail. My story began like a lot of women here, growing up I always felt different to the other girls. I was very close in age to my sister and cousin and so the 3 of us were brought up like siblings and spent most days together. When they'd have dolls and pretty dresses, I'd have cars, climb trees and get dirty. Now I don't want to sound like your typical uneducated idiot who believes girls should have dolls and boys should have cars, I believe in giving children whatever toy most interests them, there's no girl or boy toys in my house, but at that young age it made me feel like I was different because I wasn't your "typical girl" like them. As I got older they started to discover make up, and do each other's hair, and I'd be out playing sports and not giving a crap about how I looked. All my friends were boys, I did try and make friends with girls but I just didn't feel comfortable being around them because they didn't like what I liked. It wasn't until I was 12 that I finally became best friends with a girl. She was nothing like me, she loved make up, and boys (something I'd never even thought about). We would spend a lot of time in her room listening to music which was something we both loved, and talking about whatever pop star we had a crush on. I didn't really notice boys at that point, but I went along with it because I wanted her to like me. We did everything together, we were always together, then I started to develop feelings, for her. At that point I told myself it was wrong, that it wasn't how things were meant to be. In the end I became really jealous every time she spoke to any other girls, and maybe that became more and more obvious to her, then after a while we were no longer friends anymore. I was devastated. Told myself I'd not let that happen again and went back to making friends with boys until my late teens. I think this was the realisation for me that I was different, but because I felt it was wrong I hid it from everyone and tried to push it down inside me hoping if I ignored it long enough it would go away. I was 19 before I got into my first serious relationship with a man. I never really trusted them to be honest, things had happened in my past that made me very wary of them, and so it wasn't easy for me to even talk to them never mind trust them. We met over the phone, we started texting on some chat function our phones had back then. It was 2003 and not a lot of people I knew had the internet, nor did we have the flash phones we have these days. He was very sweet and kind, he told me his story, I told him mine, we connected in a way I never had with anyone else and we met after talking for 11 months. He travelled around 200 miles to come see me where I live, he met my family and was the perfect gentleman. Everyone loved him. I had an inkling back then that even though he was this wonderful amazing man that loved me no matter what, that something just wasn't right about us. I put it down to my anxiety and having little experience with relationships. I'd struggled many years with health issues, which I told him all about, he understood when I told him about my depression and anxiety issues, because he himself had them too. But when it came to my physical health issues it was a new thing for him. But he surprised me, he was completely understanding, accepting, and patient. You see I've had a genetic connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome since birth, you hear about it a lot more these days but back then it was unheard of. I suffered with daily joint dislocations and pain, not to mention all the other wonderfully gruesome stuff that comes along with it. It didn't phase him, he was there during surgeries, hospital appointments, medication trials, he saw me go through some of the worst years of my life. He was also the first person I told about my attraction to women, again it didn't phase him at all. He was completely understanding of my admission that I was bicurious, which is essentially what it was back then, and told me that as long as I was always honest with him and never unfaithful, he had no problems with this. That's when things started to turn kinda pear shaped in my eyes. He kinda gave me that acceptance that I'd always looked for, and I started to notice women a lot more after that. I would often comment on a beautiful woman when I was with him and he'd laugh and agree. Then it progressed, once again I made a female best friend. I was new to the internet and we kinda met online, we spent many years being the best of friends, telling each other everything, sharing stuff that girls share with their besties, but we never actually met which I think helped me avoid temptation. It took a while to develop but I started to have feelings for her. So I went to my boyfriend and told him, he made the odd joke here and there and referred to us as "the lesbians" when in our company. We'd just laugh it off, sometimes I would make a comment that was maybe overstepping for him but because she would respond to it, in a jokey fashion, he seemed okay with it. I crushed on that girl for so many years, but like the previous friend we drifted apart. She moved on with her life, got a boyfriend, and we just stopped talking as much as we used to. I was so sad, it was like I'd ended a romantic relationship. My boyfriend could see it too, he tried his best to even help us reconnect but it never happened and so I just moved on with my life too. Had a big surgery after that and he was my rock through the recovery, learning to do things as simple as walking again, but as always was very understanding and patient. He asked me to marry him shortly after, and I said yes. Fast forward to the day I joined shybi, it was 2011 and myself and my fiancé had been together for almost 8 years. We were happy enough I guess, things never did seem right but I thought maybe it was because we'd been together a long time and relationships do change over long periods of time. I didn't talk to him anymore about my feelings for women, I kept it all bottled up inside and hoped it would go away, after all I was engaged now and so what did it matter. But the years took their toll on me and I found myself more and more unhappy. Then I found this place. I was randomly looking online, searching the terms "bicurious" and "bisexual" and I guess trying to understand it. That's when I came across this place. It was like an Aladdin's cave I must admit, I was incredibly keen, ask any of the old mods here what I was like haha. It was like I'd finally found a place I could be me. I didn't want to come over as depressing, nor did i want anyone to know of my disabilities, and so I decided to create a persona, and that is when "Rocky" was born. I was a huge flirt, I think I hit on every girl who showed an interest in me. I posted all over the forums too, I had finally found a place full of women like me. I wasn't here to find someone, I wasn't here to hook up or date, I was simply here to be myself without judgement. Even if I did come across as trouble, and got in trouble a few times, I loved every second of it. I think the ladies here started to get to know me too, they saw through my mask and discovered that underneath it all I was actually a really kind, caring and understanding individual. People would come to me with their problems and I'd always do my best to help out. I became a permanent fixture here after only a few weeks and I'd never been happier. Now I don't suppose she'll mind me talking about it here, I won't give names or details, but after only a few weeks it happened again. I met someone. We flirted, we talked, we got to know each other, and we soon realised we were very alike. Our lives similar in creepy ways, our hobbies and interests were mirrored in each other, even our boyfriends looked alike, and we soon realised we could tell each other everything. We became the best of friends, we knew there was more there and we often discussed it in detail, but in the end we knew that nothing would ever happen because we both wouldn't leave our partners, and mine wasn't open to anything outside the relationship. Not to mention she was American and I never thought there was a chance we'd ever meet. But we became best friends, and our boyfriends became friends too, and then our families, after a while it was like we'd always been in each others lives. But deep down my feelings for her clouded my judgement and I made foolish mistakes that cost me her friendship, and my relationship, on multiple occasions. I shared with her how I couldn't hide who I was anymore, and she supported me in whatever I wanted to do. So I told my boyfriend that it had happened yet again, but this time it was different. I wanted more, I'd overstepped boundaries, I essentially betrayed him and went behind his back, not in a physical way but emotionally. He was crushed. We talked a lot after that, I think I was finally able to get across to him that this wasn't just a curiosity, but this was me, and had been me this whole time. He told me he'd forgive me, that we could make it work if I was more open and honest with him, but I wasn't to seek out a woman again because he couldn't handle that betrayal again. I agreed at that stage, I told myself I couldn't lose him even though at that stage I realised that maybe I'd become more dependant on him than anything. I told myself no one would want me the way I was and he did. Why throw that away? Guess what, you guessed it! It happened again. But this time it was different. After being here for a while I decided to leave shys, I continued my friendship with the girl above outside of shys, and even though I've put her through a ton of shit over the years I'm pleased to say we're still friends. But I couldn't stand being here anymore. I could see all these women talking about their experiences, their girlfriends, and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I got on with my life and tried to forget about the place. Then one night, I got into a conversation with my friend from here about our relationship, it was always kinda odd, and people would often ask us if we were dating we were so close, but I felt I could still talk to her about my feelings. That night we talked about how my feelings were still all over the place, that even though I'd gotten over this crush with her, I still wanted to be with a woman. I was miserable and I didn't know what else to do. We talked about it a lot and she told me she'd support whatever I chose to do, and with that, I decided to come back here one night and see if my old friends were still around. I logged into chat on December 5th 2013, I was approaching my 30th birthday that month, and my 10 year anniversary with my fiancé. I didn't recognise anyone at first, then a few familiar faces popped in and it was like I'd never left, and there she was. I'd noticed that all the girls in the room were flirty and outgoing and so my old persona sneaked back in pretty quickly, I started to flirt with everyone in the room I think, I'd been gone a while and I was like a kid in a candy store I guess. But she stood out, to this day I still don't know why her name caught my eye. Something about her just drew me in and I found myself wanting to know more about her. She was the quietest in the room, not really talking much, and maybe that's what intrigued me a little, she wasn't falling victim to my charms like everyone else haha. I tried my hardest to get her attention but she didn't really respond. Then I asked a question, so where is everyone here from? Everyone replied, and then she did, Michigan here.... My first thought was oh no not another one You see the girl I mentioned above was also from Michigan and I made some stupid joke about how I had a thing for women from Michigan. She laughed and went back to being quiet. I did my usual stupid chat stuff, flirted, virtually dancing with the others, think I virtually stripped at one point, but she never said a thing. So I decided I was gonna send her a PM. The reason I had for messaging her was a stupid one, and was all I could come up with, but it got her attention. We chatted for a little after that and then went back to the main room where she started to join in a little more. After the night was over I left her a "Hey you" kinda message on her profile and she responded. From that moment I knew this wasn't your average attraction, after all I had no idea what she even looked like. For the first time I was drawn to a woman before I'd even laid eyes on her. This was a different kind of connection. We talked on and off numerous times after that night. I'd log on to see if she was there and when she wasn't I'd log out again. She wasn't around for a little while after that and I found myself asking around to see if anyone knew where she'd gone. No one knew. Then one day she came back, I didn't ask where she'd gone or what she was doing, I just told her I was glad she was back. I got a little forward after that and asked her for a photo, at this point I was already hooked and I told myself I didn't really care what she looked like because we'd connected in other ways. She told me she didn't share her photos here but she'd pm me one. I was so nervous, what if she wasn't what I usually go for? what if that would be a problem? I loved her personality already, and as much as I don't care about looks, I felt that some kind of attraction had to be there. I opened her message and saw her, she was adorable. I told her right away, I think it made me even more keen to pursue her. But I played it cool this time, I wasn't about to ruin this. Then one day in January of 2014 I made a status, a status that was seated in my depressive nature, she responded in a caring concerned way and told me if I ever needed to talk to message her. She told me later she never thought I'd take her up on the offer and was pleasantly surprised when I did. We got talking, not much, just bits here and there but in private. I showed her my weird bendy joints, mostly I was curious about how she'd react. It didn't phase her, at all, she'd worked in the medical field and anything of that nature didn't scare her off, she seemed more intrigued than anything. So I made the choice to ask if she'd like to chat outside of shys, she was like... Sure! Where? And I said how about WhatsApp? Here's my number, add me, I'll be there. She told me later that she didn't think I was serious, that a girl like me would give her the time of day, that she tried to call my bluff and she was shocked when she found out I was being serious. And that's how Tbare and I began. Outside of shys we became inseparable, we talked every day, we'd call each other, skype, and those feelings I had for her only grew. This was unlike anything I'd ever felt before and at that point I knew, I was gonna have to come clean yet again and tell my fiancé. Only this time I wasn't sure what I was gonna do. This time I couldn't just cut ties and apologise, this time I couldn't push it deep down and forget. I was in love, and it kinda felt like the first time. My boyfriend slowly saw my relationship with her develop over time. He told me of his concerns but I just shrugged them off and said everything was fine. He knew it wasn't. I knew it wasn't. Then one night she told me something on the phone, some bad news, and I broke down in tears. I was genuinely sad for her, I was a mess when my boyfriend walked in and saw me sitting there in a puddle of tears. He had no idea what was wrong and just hugged me in silence. Eventually he asked what was upsetting me so much, and I flat out told him that this girl was going through something and I wanted to be there for her, the fact that I was stuck here and I wanted to be there with her was making me miserable. I didn't want her to be alone. I loved her. I think that was the night we both realised we were over, we were distant after that. I guess we went through a separation, he said he needed time to think before we sat down and talked about it. I saw this as an opportunity to spend more time with her and that was when I knew that my relationship with him was over. Shortly after this the woman who I loved most, my grandmother, my best friend, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. 6 weeks to 2 months they told us at the hospital. As I was the only one not working in my family I stepped up, I was gonna take care of her like she had done me when I was a kid growing up with so many problems. I gave it my all, I was on 24hr call, feeding, toileting, changing, I saw my nana go from the strong independent woman I admired and loved turn into a shell. It broke my heart. I was there for everything, good and bad, we got to spend the most amazing 6 weeks together. But they were also the most heart breaking of my entire life to date. I didn't want to put her through the knowledge that my relationship was over, she'd loved this man like her own grandson for over a decade, they were the best of friends. He was heartbroken when he found out, but agreed we would keep up appearances while she was still with us. He visited her when he could, he'd hold her hand and talk to her for hours, he'd hold bowls under her while she puked up whatever meds they gave her that day, he helped me take care of this amazing lady and for that I will always be grateful to him. During the 2 months my nana was sick I decided to introduce her to T, I kept thinking she isn't gonna get to meet this amazing person I want to share my life with. They had to know each other. So I told her all about her, her life, her family, our friendship, she was always so intrigued about her and always asked about her and how she was doing. Then they spoke on the phone one night while I left them to go do dishes, I came back to hear them both in fits of laughter. They got along well. Then she stopped laughing and said to her, I wouldn't say this if I didn't mean it but you're a very beautiful girl, and I'd love nothing more than if you were my 5th granddaughter. That was exactly what I wanted to hear, even though I never really knew if she knew (She asked me on several occasions why myself and my boyfriend had split up, and I kept saying we hadn't) I always told myself that she did and she accepted her and us. Even if she didn't, or wouldn't have, it didn't matter after that. My nana loved me and nothing would have gotten in the way of that. I was there when she took her last breath, I held her hand and told her I loved her. Was the hardest thing I've ever done. T was there for me every day, talking to me, listening to me, sometimes just hearing me cry for hours on end. She gave me the reassurance and the strength to get through it all. She was my rock and I couldn't have done it all without her. On the day my nana died my fiancé showed up to see her, but it was too late for him to say goodbye. I reached out to hug him and he pulled away. I asked him if I could please have a hug, that's all I wanted, he eventually obliged but instantly pulled away. I asked if we could talk, he said it was too late and that I'd made my choice. I guess I just wanted a chance to make a clean break, to talk it all out and say what needed to be said. But he wasn't up to listening, and to be honest I don't blame him. To this day I feel guilt ridden over the whole thing, he was a good man, and I'm not the type of person to hurt anyone. I care too much to ever hurt someone. Yet here I was hurting the one person who'd been there for me for over a decade, no matter what. I wish I could go back sometimes, not to change where I am now, but to change how it happened. I'd have the decency to tell him straight. The last thing he said to me was, we all make mistakes in life, that he has made his fair share too, but we made these mistakes to learn from them. That he hoped that what had happened meant that I'd learn from it and never do it again. I promised him that. He walked away after that and we didn't speak for a long time. It's been 3 years now and we're finally in a good place, we can talk and be friends to an extent, and we still help each other out when we can. I truly hope that he finds someone who is worthy of his love, because like I tell everyone still, they don't make a lot of men like him anymore. My relationship with T only blossomed after that. I went to visit her 4 times in America, which was terrifying as Id never flown before. The first time was in the fall for 2 weeks, second time in the summer for almost a month, the third time again the following summer for almost a month, where she got down on one knee and asked me to be her wife, and then last but not least the fourth time for a month over the Christmas and New Years holidays. We struggle with the distance like any other couple in a LDR, but we make it work. We just had our 3 year anniversary and we couldn't be happier. I have truly found my soulmate, the person I want to spend my entire life with. But at the same time I found myself, which was the most important thing in all of this. We continue to grow as a couple every day and our love for each other has never failed, and it's been tested so many times. I know that she is my happy ending, and I will always do my best to progress forward and get closer to the day we can be together permanently. My family love her and have accepted my relationship with her, although it took some time, and her family love and accept us just the same. We're always gonna encounter people who think we shouldn't be together, and sadly we've known of a few, but the most important ones, and their opinions, are the only ones that matter to us. I thank this place every day for her, she is my reason for all that I do. I fight harder, I achieve more, and I never give up, because of her. She has had such a profound impact on my life, and I have never loved anyone like I love her. She makes me happier than I've ever been, and I hope that I can always make her proud of me as we go through life together. She is my reason for getting up every day and fighting the hand I've been dealt, and I like to think the support, love, and adoration that I have for her has made her more accepting of who she is, and how far she's come, because she is truly an amazing, strong and beautiful woman, and I couldn't be luckier in life than to have her by my side. So I guess I wanna finish this blog (If you've gotten this far) with this, don't be someone you aren't. Don't portray yourself to be anything less than the amazing, unique, individual that you are. We are all blessed with this ability to see the beauty in people, no matter the gender. I think that's a pretty amazing ability to have. So why hide it. I know there are women out there who can't be open and honest to everyone they know, and that we live in a world where this is seen as something wrong in the eyes of many, but never hide it completely. I tried and it ended in disaster. It wasn't until I accepted who I was and embraced it that I was finally able to be happy. Even if the only place you can be open is here, be open, be proud, and never, ever, see it as a curse. I hope not only I, but others who read this, can learn from my mistakes and go on to use this as a way to make their life better. Rocky x
  22. Hi Shybi Family!!!!!!! I am sure many women have been in enough relationships regardless of sex (hopefully more than one) to be able to decipher when a person's interactions with us means us good or harm. Today, I'd like to talk about we women being jaded (fooled) by politeness. A politeness so complimentary, nice, so disarming..................it sets you up to be betrayed. I have had been a victim of "politeness," disguised in many forms a few times in my life............by men and women. In terms of men.............it's the general scenarios where you meet some "nice" guy who's good looking, charming, charismatic................saying all the right things to get you. Whether it's to get into your pants or get your hand in marriage...........the guy clearly has an agenda (as you see later in the relationship). After sometime in the relationship you learn this person really isn't nice perhaps. Sometimes you learn the guy is a creep/pervert/sex addict. Sometimes you learn the guy lured you in for nothing more to take his mother' place in being his glorified maid, housekeeper, bed wench. Sometimes you learn the guy simply likes to control people.............you took the bait so you're it. Maybe he has mental health issues. A guy with multiple personalities, maybe he was bipolar or schizophrenic and on his meds when you met him...................polite and kind. He turned into a monster without them. Where oh where did that polite person go you ask yourself many a days. In any event, we end up in bad relationships with men sometimes because of their insincere politeness. Books have been written about men and their shenanigans. But it's the women that I would like to focus on right now. These same scenarios can take place regardless of sex. Politeness is a form of diplomacy..........easily disguised to ensnare an unsuspecting victim for personal gains. I have been straight jacked by some women in my life. I've also seen how we can turn our politeness on and off when it suits our needs. I've seen women use politeness to disarm and conduct absolutely stunning acts of betrayal. Like a high school best friend sleeping with my husband and sharing all of my personal secrets with him...............enabling him to come back and use them against me. Friends all throughout high school and she commits the ultimate betrayal. The same thing happened with another really good friend I helped a lot riding her around town in my car, having her at my home, breaking bread with her, even partying with her. She was nice, kind, mild, not the brightest apple in the barrel....................but she was smart enough, cunning enough, polite enough for me to allow her into my small circle to screw my boyfriend and fuck up my otherwise nice relationship. Nice right! I did all the things I was supposed to be, or so I thought. I was kind to someone that showed kindness. I was polite to people who were polite to me. I shared with people that shared with me...............I thought I had a firm grasp on protecting myself from being betrayed. Stabbed in the back. Pushed from behind by a ride-or-die friend or love. I was wrong. Being jaded by a woman can even be more difficult to get over than a man. We are supposed to have this invisible "sisterhood," regardless of age, sexual orientation, or ethnicity. We know how it feels to be poo poo'd on. We all have the horrible let down stories by friends and loved ones. But as a woman I must admit, being jaded and cut deep by a woman is so much more painful. Because most of us are sensitive, nurturing beings, it's almost inconceivable that a woman you're in love with could: Cheat Be Abusive (Physically, Emotionally, Sexually) Be Deceitful /Deceptive Act Selfishly, or Use Sex and Kindness as Weapons for Behavior Modification Yes my friends...............we women can be some ugly critters at times. If you haven't had the experience yet, count it as a blessing. If you have................I hope you have healed and moved on. I say all this to say that as women, we must be careful to not be jaded by politeness or early expressions of love. Sometimes when someone is being overly polite, there are motives to betray us. When people are about to screw you over, they aren't usually mean which would give us a heads up. They are generally nice to you, to get you to drop your guard before they stick you in your ass with a pitchfork. It's a form of manipulation. For women, it's a manipulation we women have been labeled with since the beginning of time.............back to Adam and Eve (for the religious). So ladies..............as you embark on your lady love journeys, be wise. How do you prevent being jaded by a new love or acquaintance (but can apply to anyone in general): Self-Awareness (Be Aware): Be aware of conversational moods. One minute you have red flags going off all over the place and hairs standing up on the back of your necks. Pay attention to people and their sudden or renewed interest in you. It's likely not you, it could be what you bring to the table. Over-politeness is often difficult to detect when meeting new people, so go with your gut. We women can be mean, vindictive, cruel, selfish, manipulative human beings. We can also be kind, beautiful, caring, compassionate, loving, attentive human beings. As we go throughout our lives experimenting, searching and finding love, and when it's not right for us...........letting go, please be go into (and out of) any and all relationships (casual, committed, or otherwise) with a do no harm perspective. Leave the woman (or women) in your lives better than you found them. Ladies, don't take her kindness for weakness. But the most important take away is to not allow another to disarm you, leaving you open to wounds. Have a wonderful week!
  23. I've had a very rough few days... Something I say pretty often. More so these days. When anyone asks "How are you doing?" "How have you been?" "How's life treating you?" It's sometimes answered in the negative, awful, but mostly in a vague "Yeah fine" kinda way in order to avoid anyone probing for more. I don't see my accomplishments, what I've achieved, how far I've come, how much life has changed for the better, all I see is the darkness. Depression has been a cloud looming over my head for as long as I can remember. I often think if it wasn't for the pain him and I would have parted ways a long time ago. But then there's my BPD too, borderline personality disorder. It's often described as the emotional equivalent to third degree burns. Mix them both together, add chronic pain with no relief, and you get me. A train wreck. Maybe a hot mess is a nice way of putting it. But a mess none the same. Now I'm gonna try and focus on the positive for a moment, otherwise this will become a pity party real quick. The simple things most people go about doing every day, getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed, making something to eat, walking... They're all things I struggle with. If I've done all those things then that day is considered a success, a good day. I say this as I lie on my bed in my PJs, having not eaten because that was too much effort today. But the reason for this is because I was productive the last few days. I went out of my comfort zone and achieved something I never would have thought to ever do. I used my own initiative and progressed forward. So the pain I'm enduring now is partly because I did something good, something worthy of the pain that comes after. But how do you deal with the pain that's there not because you pushed yourself too hard and achieved something, but because this is something you have to deal with most days, something there isn't a magic pill for, or some form of relief, something that causes your mental health to deteriorate. What do you do when the pain is so intense that you feel like the only way to make it stop is to not be here anymore. That's happened to me many times before. This happened last night in fact. No one else was around and I thought to myself, I just want it to stop, who would care if I wasn't here anyway? I wasn't alone though, because I had my other half on the other end of the phone desperately trying to make me see the good things I have, how things aren't always gonna be dark, how bad days happen but we have to pull through them. She told me how she'd left her comfort zone and endured things she never thought she would because they positively affected us and our future. She told me how closer we get every day to being together every day. She stayed awake with me til late making me see that I am worth more than I believe I am. That I am loved, and needed, and appreciated. Even if I don't see it. She told me of how I've touched people's lives in amazing positive ways, including hers. That despite my negative upbringing I have worth and purpose. I reflect back to 2014 today, a particular day in January when I felt so worthless and useless that I made a status here because I hated myself so much, and I needed to vent that anger somewhere. I think about how that status brought into my life the caring wonderful woman above. How my depression and negative feelings brought something positive into my life, and how to this day she continues to be the positive to my negative. So maybe I suffered that day for a reason, maybe I was hurting so bad that it made me reach out in order to find something amazing. Maybe what I'm going through now has a reason, a purpose, maybe it doesn't, but if I don't stick around I'll never find out the answer. I'm often amazed at how kind people are to me, especially here, with their words and gestures. I find myself wondering why. I'm quite a moody, isolated closed off kind of person, who isn't particularly fond of being social. From my long conversation last night with my lady I've discovered something, that no matter how awful I feel, no matter how much I want to close myself off and be that moody awful person, I'm not. I put on a smile and I throw myself head first into people, I reach out and help, I offer my advice, my time, and this makes me see myself in a more positive light. Then this action is returned to me tenfold. But I've only now just seen it. So maybe being me isn't so bad after all, because it makes me a better person to those around me. It makes me, me.
  24. I have a good relationship. It is great practice. It is a great place to create new normal expectations from a lot of bad ones. We have only been dating for 3 months, and known each other for 4-5. We have fun and support one another. He treats me really well. The sex has been great. It's early. I usually like to date with a purpose. He told me he wants something serious and long term, so after 2months, I had enough information to know that is not where I saw things going. I tried to break up with him because I was under a lot of stress, but because of that, it was too stressful to deal with drama or changes in my personal life. At first I felt trapped, but he really helped support me through the deadline I was facing. He is now under a lot of stress with a big deadline in April, so I want to return the favor. He is a very good person, so initially I thought I was being fair by letting him know he should look for someone new who wanted a future with him. We are just in different places. I guess waiting is fair because I am providing stability and support for him while he doesn't have time or energy to start something new either. This week I got to destress and evaluate better than I could several weeks ago. He knows not to pressure me about the future, and it is nice to have my own space to think for myself what I want, instead of everyone else's expectations. I know that I need to tell him my thoughts about the future, but I evaluated the best time to have this conversation with him to be considerate of the support he has shown me and what he is going through, and decided that I need to wait until April after his business deadline. The problem now is that everyone loves him. My friends and family who have never met him want me to hang onto him because he is a nice guy. Yes, I should only ever date nice guys from now on, and he represents that. I should never date another asshole. But out of the range of nice guys, I think he and I are not right for each other, and trying to force a future together just because we are nice people would result in misery and compromise of really important things to me in my life, which makes me feel like I cannot be myself. But my friends have a point. There is no reason to let him go unless I am ready for someone who is right for me. I haven't been for a while, so that's part of my own personal growth journey. I know I should not have to justify this to anyone. So I guess my friends are well meaning, and at the end of the day, I don't consult them about what kind of clothes I buy or don't, so it is ultimately up to me.
  25. So, long post. I have two questions and I'm pretty sure only you dear ladies might be able to understand/suitably advise here. I apologise if any of this is the wrong topic for here and if so, please tell me and I'll remove/edit it. (Absolutely don't want to upset) 1st is short; do you ever suffer from internalised biphobia? Does it make it hard to actually recognise or accept your feelings when you see a beautiful woman? Example, all the ladies I ever 'looked up to' as 'a role model' (lol) I have come to realise that I was totally crushing on! But now that I know that, I find it really hard to watch them (I'll be honest, 90% are tv show characters) comfortably. I sort of have to forcibly remind myself that it's okay, good even, to enjoy that! 2nd, longer; sticking to my guns. In a nutshell, I only really came out to myself when I got feelings for the lady I thought was my best friend. After telling her my feelings, getting strung along and quite poorly treated, I'm still in love with her and wish there was any way to salvage something. At the same time, I'm trying to move past that. I tried dating sites, etc, but the truth is, what I want is really specific. And what I don't want is very simple. However... I'm coming to see that my feelings are pretty freakin' rare on this subject. While I have no problem with people living however they want to, I myself don't feel right have any kind of sexual relationship outside of marriage/long term commitment. That would be the same if I was staying fully monogamous or if I was in a triad poly relationship of some kind. I want to have a fully committed relationship with a woman before we ever take the plunge. It is REALLY important to me. But... See above. I keep getting told that is not what anyone else would be willing to do, and it's just better to jump right in and see if you match up later, sex is just sex and I should just treat myself if I want it... Ugh. I'm losing my strength to stand up for myself here. Even my friends, who know how I feel, are telling me I should have 'courage' and 'enjoy myself' and just 'go for it'! As if I am choosing my desires because they make me feel horrible?! (Sorry. Sarcasm is my defence mechanism) Please know that I judge no one. You do you, amazing peoples! But this is ME. Anyway, in a moment of frustration, I asked the infamous HER what exactly would be a situation where she would consider something outside of the abusive partnership she's in. Naturally, it's a 'one night stand'. So, I offered the opportunity. I'm pretty sure I only said it as a type of emotional self-harm. I would never be okay going through with it. I don't know what to do with myself now. IF she gave me a time and date, should I go, if only to talk? Or should I tell her right off that she of everyone in the world should know me better than that? Grrrr. I don't know. I'm open to ANY thoughts at the moment. (And questions as well.) I'm utterly torn up and lost. P.S. Yes, hubby knows all of this. I'm crazy blessed to have a guy I can be honest with. But I don't ask him for answers besides his feelings because, obviously, it's my life/choice at the end of the day. Always respect his needs and thoughts, just also always seek outside views.