numtynabs

Do You Ever Get Sick Of The Heterosexual World We Live In?

26 posts in this topic

My wife asked me something along these lines today, and I had to admit that sometimes it gets me down that all of our interactions are with "heterosexuals." I italicize it, because we never really know how people define themselves sexually, and nobody has come out and admitted being anything other than hetero…well, apart from the one colleague’s freaky girlfriend who asked intimate questions about our sex-life the first time we met her, and then offered to watch us and/or join in…I forget the details, because I was too busy holding my lower jaw up.

 

Back to the question above. We have lived in countries that don’t recognize our marriage, for two years…as long as we have been married, really. We cannot hold hands in public for various complicated reasons, and going to an upcoming Pride parade is too risky.

 

I find that this, along with never really seeing people being anything other than heterosexual on the streets, in books, and on TV shows, negatively impacts on us. It isn’t huge or significant. Just a mild negative effect which is probably better described as off-neutral.

 

It also seems to frustrate me more and more that people don’t understand sexuality and/or don’t think that there is anything to understand. We have amazing friends and colleagues who accept and love us. However, they all seem to think we are “gay.”

 

I know it shouldn’t bother me, and most of the time it doesn’t. I think we both just feel like…I don’t know. Everything I write sounds ridiculous and incorrect, so I'll rather ask:

 

Do you feel like more exposure to heterosexual behaviour impacts the way you feel/think/perceive, how ever miniscule the effect?

If yes, in what way?

What are some clever ways we can change the views of others in terms of starting discussions on sexuality, without sounding like we are pushing our lives onto others? I've realised that it feels so sordid to bring it up, simply because people don't speak about such things or aren't interested or seem to be uncomfortable discussing it.

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At times yes. I get really tired of certain male married hetro colleagues making remarks about women they find attractive as if they're God's gift to women - it just makes me roll my eyes, I'm not impressed with it but some female colleagues fall at their feet, I just inwardly roll my eyes and sigh :rolleyes: That's one example :D

Edited by It'sjustme
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Goodness, I know the exact type of man you are speaking of! My head isn't big enough for the eye-roll they deserve! :no:

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I get tired of people assuming all kinds of stuff about me, but I try not to let it affect my behavior too much. Labels aren't really important to me, but if someone asked me about my sexuality, I wouldn't lie about it. Of course if a stranger asked me I would tell them it's none of their business, but with people I know I don't care. If I was with a girl, I wouldn't hide it.

 

But I live in a pretty liberal area and I would never want to live somewhere that I wouldn't feel safe being myself because of ignorant assholes.

 

Guys being entitled and acting like every girl on the planet wants to jump their bones is really obnoxious though, like lesbians don't even exist. It's another symptom of patriarchy that shows we have some ways to go before women are seen as unique human beings with our own thoughts and feelings rather than just "girls".

Edited by abbynormal
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You mean the part where I'm suppose to get married, have 2.5 kids, a dog, a SUV, and a house with a white picket fence?

 

Yeah. No.

 

 

And what the hell is a .5 kid anyway?

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Definitely. Especially in conversations with loved ones where they go on and on about they expect from you or whoever. You try to mention something a little different and it just gets washed out by small things that come to weigh on you in tons.

 

I don't know, I'm tired of people being surprised and disappointed/offended when I say I'm not straight or that I'd appreciate something outside of gender roles, so yeah.

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No.

The world they say is about 90% heterosexual and when something is more popular shall we say than most other things it tends to be spoken about more.

 

I have to say unless it was against the law there is nothing out there that would stop me from holding the hand of a person I loved, there are some people's opinions you will never be able to change and I think you will be mostly disappointed in this life if you tried to make some people understand something they aren't willing to or simply can't/won't....but there is nothing wrong in trying and I hope you and your wife get those things you crave.

 

Outside of my family, boyfriend and friends I have to say I couldn't care less of those outside who may not accept me, they are strangers to me and a strangers opinion has yet to have the power to keep me up at night.

Edited by Morgana142
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Yeah,quite a lot

 

Hetero friends that know don't bother me but those who don't and they are not friends..."do you have children yet? No? How coooome?", "I like someone", "What's his name?" Ugh

And if I don't want to get re-married and live the society norm, I'm less of a person or a loser

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Yes, I notice it in the media.

 

TFI interviewing Anna Seyfriend when she said she was seeing someone "what's HIS name"

 

I can imagine that as DD gets older (only 4 at the moment) she will be asked if she likes any boys, rather than asks if she likes anyone, this particularly grates me as some of her interactions with other children her age are similar to myself when young and I suspect she may turn out to be bisexual. It's not something I would mention unless she said she thought she was/liked girls, but I will make sure she is surrounded by as much openness about it and as little bias towards the hetrsexual life being the norm so that if it is something that she thinks may be applicable to her, she feels she can be open and talk about it

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The last company I worked for was filled with homophobes. Anyone who wasn't straight was 'disgusting' and basically considered less of a person. Even though I'm unemployed now, I don't miss that place one bit.

 

Or when an LGBT person does *something* and it ends up in the papers. And people respond "I support the gay community, but why do they have to keep shoving it in your face" when all the article does is say the person is not straight and did something newsworthy. That annoys me so much!

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In the last company I worked in it was quite neutral, one male colleague constantly brought up gays around my female manager who, as I found out later, had written a thesis on lesbians in the 19th French or English literature at the university. So, this guy always talked how he saw two women here and there and although he was a chauvinist he didn't sound a homophobe and no one ever tried to pry into other's lives with heteronormative questions although one day when I was stressed that same manager asked me if it was because of a guy...but of course!

One local guy told me once that I am like a man for liking girls. I don't know, does it mean that only men have a right to like women??? He despised European women for not being docile and submissive like Colombian women. Wait,isn't that a macho country? I haven't been there but I sympathize.

 

But it's so impregnated through the centuries,it's very difficult to change it especially with people who are not willing to open their minds. Although in some places it's better than in others

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The one thing that has annoyed me a great deal over the last few months is people's comments about my 8 year old. She is beautiful and I have had so many people comment about how soon she'll be into boys and she'll be breaking boys hearts. Actually I'm fairly sure she likes girls, or maybe both boys and girls. It annoys me that the natural assumption is that she is heterosexual. - rant over!

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That's a good point Retro. I also hate how kids who don't even know about sex yet get labeled by adults sometimes like "Oh my 4 year old boy likes pink, he must be gay". Even if the parents are okay with it, it's kind of obnoxious that some people go around saying they know the sexuality of a child because they do x, y and z. There are even support groups for "gay" kids, which would be fine if they were old enough to make a statement about their sexuality, but they're like 5... I was a tomboy as a kid, but if my mom had put me in a special group for gay kids because of it and made it into a big deal, I think it really would have confused me and screwed me up even worse than I already was due to other factors. Kids go through all kinds of experimenting phases and stuff too, so it seems like these people really jump the gun.

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Do you feel like more exposure to heterosexual behaviour impacts the way you feel/think/perceive, how ever miniscule the effect?

If yes, in what way?

What are some clever ways we can change the views of others in terms of starting discussions on sexuality, without sounding like we are pushing our lives onto others? I've realised that it feels so sordid to bring it up, simply because people don't speak about such things or aren't interested or seem to be uncomfortable discussing it.

 

Yeah, absolutely. At the very least, I think I would have been able to realize my bisexuality sooner (and been more confident about it) if being straight hadn't been the only option shoved down my throat. <-although, this opinion is 100% influenced by living in Texas. Maybe it's better elsewhere?

 

I don't know about "clever", but I've been telling the one friend I'm out to about some of the problems I have due to being bi, and it seems he understands? On the other hand, I get the feeling he believes me since mine is the only opinion he bothers to get on these things, it's not like he's doing his own research or anything. I personally just don't feel safe bringing up the topic to anyone here, so that makes changing other people's views a little difficult.

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Don't think on the whole it is much better Asph, the assumption is someone is straight unless otherwise known, that's why it is always seen as big deal when celebrities "come out". Adam Lambert was on a UK chat show last week and they said he wasn't "out" on Idol, he replied that he wasn't really "in" either, he just wasn't dating anyone so felt no need to make a declaration on his sexuality which is true

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OMG YES!!! If heterosexuality wasnt the assumed norm everywhere... if being sexually fluid was more accepted-- in movies, on tv, etc--- there would be SO MANY MORE BI PEOPLE!!! It would be so awesome. It would be so nice to hold hands with my girlfriend as we walked down the street, for example, and feel like people wouldn't give it a second thought!

 

I think the only way to combat this is PRIDE. The more we come out of our closets, the more we refuse to contribute to the overall HETERO-LOOK of the world... the more things will change. Self-acceptance is key. :)

Edited by mustBbi
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I am an Engineer and for the first few years of my career I worked in patriarchal/male dominated work environments. If am I sick of something is that and the imposition of heterosexuality as "normal". Back in the day I heard different people, male and female, talk badly of gay people or anyone who was different because of the color of their skin, their religious beliefs, gender, etc. And yes, I have heard women talking bad about other women stating that men are better at certain things that only men should do, which is ridiculous and sad.

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All the fucking time!

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Well in the world that we live in today it's not that homosexuals have an "agenda" it's just that love is love no matter who it is. Relationships are relationships and the heterosexual world needs to just accept the fact that marriage is no longer exclusively or heterosexuals only now. My mom worked in a hospital and said that same sex couples we able to know about the other one if they were sick, but it's not about that it's also about being recognized as a legitimate couple that love each other. I just hope one day we can all be seen as just being happy in love with whoever we choose to love.

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Yes.

 

In heterosexual stories (whether books or other media), there's usually a love interest of some sort, but it often isn't the primary focus of the story. Other shit happens.

 

If same-sex relationships/attraction are included in a story at all, it's almost always going to either be erotica (or romance, at best), or it's going to be a coming-out/persecution story. Or token - not involving a main character or an integral part of the story.

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Yes, but it's similar to how I get tired of Christianity as a Jewish person, particularly around Christmas and Easter. I suppose being in various minority populations means that at some point, you will get tired of the majority shoving stuff down your throat, but it can be easier to deal with when you are with people who are like you.

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I don't think I ever thought of it as a heterosexual world. When I was much younger it felt alienating to be surrounded by media, culture, conversation, etc. that did not seem to apply to me, but that was as much about my sexuality as it was my views on politics, religion, or gratuitous use of recreational substances.

 

I feel less alienated now because I'm managed to prove that who I am is viable, successful, and enduring. And I don't even mean prove that to others; perhaps I am merely lucky, but I have found that I am judged on my merits within their context and those other categories are just flavoring. If I excel at my job it's irrelevant what my home life is like. If I cook well no one is shocked that a bisexual can make such a delicious sauce (cue dirty punchline). I mean prove it to myself; that the margins I scribble my story in are just as worthy of a thoughtful read as any other.

 

A psychoanalytic author once wrote "without differentiation there can be no meaning." In the context of this thread I would take that to mean that we don't live in a heterosexual world, but a world in which we are defined as separate from, but related to heterosexuals. And, lest that sound like the old segregationist rhetoric of "separate but equal," I am referring to the psychoanalytic concept of a dialectic, wherein seemingly polar opposites "preserve, negate, and inform one another."

 

If anything, I get tired of the non-psychological world we seem to live in!

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Yes.

 

In heterosexual stories (whether books or other media), there's usually a love interest of some sort, but it often isn't the primary focus of the story. Other shit happens.

 

If same-sex relationships/attraction are included in a story at all, it's almost always going to either be erotica (or romance, at best), or it's going to be a coming-out/persecution story. Or token - not involving a main character or an integral part of the story.

 

Yes!!! Coming-out gay-struggles stories are important too I guess, but come one, sometimes I just want to watch a movie about a woman who does awesome movie shit and happens to be non-straight. I want movies that show all sexualities as a normal part of life, and accept LGBTA+ characters into the plot without much fuss.

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OMG YES!!! If heterosexuality wasnt the assumed norm everywhere... if being sexually fluid was more accepted-- in movies, on tv, etc--- there would be SO MANY MORE BI PEOPLE!!! It would be so awesome. It would be so nice to hold hands with my girlfriend as we walked down the street, for example, and feel like people wouldn't give it a second thought!

 

I think the only way to combat this is PRIDE. The more we come out of our closets, the more we refuse to contribute to the overall HETERO-LOOK of the world... the more things will change. Self-acceptance is key. :)

 

Well said!! A lot of what holds people back from exploring their sexuality is the belief that "everyone is heterosexual". And even a belief that people are either gay or straight is very limiting,too.

 

Hell, I don't even believe that most women are straight. But a lot of women believe they're straight because of the culture they live in. My experience has taught me that most women are actually bisexual. Some might disagree with that statement, but that's just what I've come to realize. There's a lot of women who don't allow themselves to explore an attraction to women because it's just not the norm. But if they did, a whole lot of them would realize they have a very strong sexual attraction to women, and would revel in the eep physicak and emotional experience of sleeping with another woman.

 

I would much prefer a world where people got in relationships and slept with whomever they wanted, and labels just didn't matter, or were even used that much.

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I believe a lot of heterosexual are hiding under the word because its safe and you want get judged if you go out and sleep with the same sex or what ever they allowed to happen an say it was a mistake and everything is okay if they get caught because from knowing so call heterosexual and listening to them talk especially under the effluence of alcohol they have done everything under the sun so its better for some people to be against others who prefer the same sex that way you would think that person is straight I'm just saying. So yes.

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