misstake

Is Online Dating Futile?

45 posts in this topic

This has been my conclusion over the past few months, regardless of gender. I have found that there are so many dishonest people online and it is difficult to sift through and find the genuine ones. It's like every time I seem to connect with someone, even if it progresses to steady dating, I find out that there is something they've lied about that is an absolute deal breaker for me (e.g. unemployed, married). It got to the point of where I was extremely guarded with anyone, and I hate being that type of person :(

 

What say you ladies? Do you agree or disagree? Have any experiences to share?

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Some people must have success or the myriad dating sites would not exist. Or maybe there's just an awful lot of desperate people out there willing to try anything...

 

Like you, my experience has been universally disappointing on both free and paid sites. I did meet my other half online, but not on a dating site.

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I think I'm one of the rare ones. I met a guy online back in '98. We chatted for a few months and then lost contact. A year later I sent him an e-mail to see if he remembered me, he did, we hooked up for lunch, and have been together every since then.

 

On the flip side of that, though, there are too many flakes and phonies out there. Case in point. I struck up a conversation with a woman who claimed to be an Air Force Lieutenant. I asked, "Oh cool. O1 (2nd LT), O2 (1st LT), or 05 (LT. Col)?" She said, "Huh?"

 

I ended the conversation.

Edited by lafnatme50
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I've not had any luck on dating sites at all given up few not so good experiences at all

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I know it can sometimes seem like it's futile, but there has to be at least a few success stories, otherwise they would fold. I have been fooled myself by some idiots posing as women when they are too stupid not to give themselves away in just how they use language, but mostly I have had fairly positive experience and some nice chats. Also a few dates, in fact I have one on Saturday night :D, so they do help you meet people. Just trying to make the date as good as possible is the challenging bit, but being introduced through online dating is easy enough, once you learn how to weed out the time wasters.

 

So to answer the OP's question, no I wouldn't call it futile. Try a few different sites, sometimes it helps to not become stale on just one. Also deactivate your profile now and then, and reactivate it after a while, keeps things fresh and a bit exciting. Also don't forget to update any photos you have on them, nothing worse than meeting up with someone who looks nothing like the 10 year old photo they shared online :D Good luck!

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I myself have never used one. Only because I met my husband young. I know a lot of people that have used them. I know three people who are happily married, and my sis is on her way to marriage with the guy she met on a dating site. Then there is my friend and cuz, who have had no success just jerks. My friend I believe is the type of girl that goes for the bad boy though. my cusin is 6'1 and that can be a hard height to find a man. I image it could be difficult though.

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I know it can sometimes seem like it's futile, but there has to be at least a few success stories, otherwise they would fold. I have been fooled myself by some idiots posing as women when they are too stupid not to give themselves away in just how they use language, but mostly I have had fairly positive experience and some nice chats. Also a few dates, in fact I have one on Saturday night :D, so they do help you meet people. Just trying to make the date as good as possible is the challenging bit, but being introduced through online dating is easy enough, once you learn how to weed out the time wasters.

 

So to answer the OP's question, no I wouldn't call it futile. Try a few different sites, sometimes it helps to not become stale on just one. Also deactivate your profile now and then, and reactivate it after a while, keeps things fresh and a bit exciting. Also don't forget to update any photos you have on them, nothing worse than meeting up with someone who looks nothing like the 10 year old photo they shared online :D Good luck!

I have tried every site, deactivating and reactivating, and taking breaks. Maybe I'm just not emotionally tough enough to deal with constantly guarding my boundaries...it is encouraging to hear that there are some success stories.

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Online dating is batting practice. There a lot of people that may not be the right match, but those first, two or three dates helped me learned a lot about myself and what I like.

 

My gut feeling tells me that I probably won't meet the right person online, even though I've heard a few success stories. I would see it more as something extra to put up, just in case you do meet someone you click with. For the most part, I wouldn't rely on finding the love of your life on there. It's an easy way to get a date and just chat up someone new though.

 

 

Edited by magnetism
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I must be one of the few with good experiences for online dating. I can always pick out most the fakers. Most guys posing as girls seem to be a little harsh and just Seem to want to meet for sex. I am married and was looking for the same thing. My first experience was not so good. I talked to one woman for months and we decide to meet. She didn't want to do a pic exchange. I was more then a little disappointed that she didn't tell me she was a larger size woman. Unfortunately there was no attraction. Second I meet a great woman online. Had one date and my husband told her not to hurt me. She took it as a controling husband and no doubt it was. Third time is the charm. I meet a great older married woman and we are on the same page in most conversations. We have been seeing each other for almost 2 years. We both want a long term relationship. Seems to be working so far.

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I think it does actually depend on what kinda person you are. Obviously there isn't one personality type or set of traits that make you perfect person for online dating but there has been research into what makes a good profile and such.

 

I've never done online dating but when I was younger I'd meet people online all the time it wasn't specifically for dating, sometimes for hookups or going to similar events. I moved a lot when I was younger so posting up that I was new to an area did help me meet people without feeling too awkward. Obviously I get that is different.

 

I wouldn't want to online date in the context of exchanging messages for months and months or not meeting and just keeping it at a distance but I'd definitely consider them if I felt the need. I currently don't. Another thing to consider now is there are dating apps that are somewhat more exclusive with memberships or specific to your area, premium apps if you will - have you ever tried any?

 

If I was looking for someone I'd probably go that route to get the best out on my area. I live near London so the advantages of city living and I see the OP lists Toronto as a location so that could be an option. I've previously used them just to see where people with similar interests/backgrounds hang out without specifically trying to date on them. It just gives you a chance to go to venues/events you might not be aware of.

 

I don't think it's futile to think you could possibly find love/dating potential online. I know a lot of people who met online. I specifically know a lot of people who all got married after meeting online through dating sites and weirdly they all come from the same professional background, goes back to what I was saying I think online dating is well suited to certain personalities.

 

I think you've got to be realistic, don't look for love, look for a possibility. People are not all the same and there are good ones within the pack. It's the internet, you can google people, not trust people without proof and not tell them your full life story, some people do somewhat unfairly omit things such as physical appearance or things that they believe make them less desirable.

 

I think those instances say a lot about a persons self-esteem. While it wasn't online dating, I did meet someone who moved away and we kept in touch and I'd just had major surgery and wasn't mobile and still going through rehab and we began dating and I was straight up about the whole thing because if someone truly wants a relationship, not just emails and something to fill their day but true connection, they have to eventually realize the only way for it to be true and full is to be honest.

 

There's a difference to being aware and being closed down and paranoid because things haven't worked out previously.

 

Don't lose hope but also don't fixate on what hasn't worked - there's always more profiles to message and new venues to try for things such as speed dating. I've heard same-sex speed dating in areas with large LGBTQ communities seem to be well attended. Keep in mind that online is a great tool for meeting people but it isn't a substitute for going out and living at the same time.

Edited by Hungry
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Thanks Hungry, a lot of good points. I should mention that I have mainly used online for meeting men, (although I did try with women briefly and got freaked out as I met a man posing as a woman *sigh*) as I'm more interested in men than women right now and I have little experience with women. I am confused and terrified of dating women tbh. There is a significant LGBTQ community here, but I actually know a lot of lesbians in my area. I am not out to them. I don't even know what I'm coming out as LOL. I guess I'm not there yet. There are definitely a lot of LGBTQ meet up groups here if I ever get there.

 

But in terms of men, it's like crickets over here. Maybe it's the type of men here, they tend to be either passive and shy or total players. *shrugs*

 

I have also met and dated people in "real life", it just doesn't happen as often as when I was younger. I do still try and get out as much as I can.

 

I think there is a pretty even split of opinion when it comes to online dating, in my experience. One side will argue that online dating is inherently unnatural and doomed to failure due to its construct (i.e. seemingly unlimited choice, akin to online shopping, always looking for something better etc). The other side argues that it's just another method of meeting and dating and comes with the same trials and tribulations of the old fashioned way of meeting people.

 

I'm still unsure if I will go back to online. I probably will if it takes too long IRL lol. For now, I'm remaining on a break from it for my own sanity.

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Not if you want to date men :) I belong to sites that are a place to hangout & interact or maybe make friends more locally & even though I put I'm only seeking gal pals, maybe, guy buddies, men will still hit on me. Admittedly, I'm ever hopeful that one of the women will turn out to be my lady love. I always start with friendship & it's essential to me to have that.

 

I'm married & we have a poly arrangement. Men for him, women for me. Sometimes I think about opening it up to both for both of us. The thing is, I can be attracted to & interested in women both online & in person. With men, it's pretty much in person. Which means, I'd have to go actively seeking it or wait until a guy comes into my life who I fall for. Which actually has happened a couple of times. Even though I could sense they felt something as well, it wasn't the right situation then. I don't want to intentionally go looking for a guy.

 

My husband & I crossed paths on a dating chat line. Neither of us had a computer at the time. Even if we did, they didn't have the options they do now. I had been on there 1 1/2 years. You could exchange voice messages on there (we were all given an inbox) & go live, if you were on at the same time. I had many messages, talked on the phone with some guys, met a few & even had a brief relationship, before, I met my husband. We met 18 years ago & have been together ever since. We're best friends. I had success with him. It's difficult to even get women to respond to friendly messages.

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Not if you want to date men :) I belong to sites that are a place to hangout & interact or maybe make friends more locally & even though I put I'm only seeking gal pals, maybe, guy buddies, men will still hit on me. Admittedly, I'm ever hopeful that one of the women will turn out to be my lady love. I always start with friendship & it's essential to me to have that.

 

I'm married & we have a poly arrangement. Men for him, women for me. Sometimes I think about opening it up to both for both of us. The thing is, I can be attracted to & interested in women both online & in person. With men, it's pretty much in person. Which means, I'd have to go actively seeking it or wait until a guy comes into my life who I fall for. Which actually has happened a couple of times. Even though I could sense they felt something as well, it wasn't the right situation then. I don't want to intentionally go looking for a guy.

 

My husband & I crossed paths on a dating chat line. Neither of us had a computer at the time. Even if we did, they didn't have the options they do now. I had been on there 1 1/2 years. You could exchange voice messages on there (we were all given an inbox) & go live, if you were on at the same time. I had many messages, talked on the phone with some guys, met a few & even had a brief relationship, before, I met my husband. We met 18 years ago & have been together ever since. We're best friends. I had success with him. It's difficult to even get women to respond to friendly messages.

 

That's great that you met your husband that way and have been together for so long : ) Maybe there's a glimmer of hope for me *shrugs*

 

For the record, I can see why it may be more difficult to get women to respond online. As per the reasons I listed above, and also in my own experience there are a lot of couples online posing as a woman ( looking for a "unicorn") and it can be disheartening for a single female. It makes sense that women would be more hesitant and less responsive IMHO. But there are also men who don't respond too....The complicated world of online dating lol

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I've not had any luck on dating sites at all given up few not so good experiences at all

Aw, I'm sorry :( hugs
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I was fairly fortunate it seems. The ladies I met represented who they portrayed online. I think there is always a danger of talking too much before meeting, as sometimes the lady then doesn't meet your perception and perhaps expectations. By the sounds of it I had quite a good experience compared to some. Good luck though.

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I have only browsed online dating so far. I did join a couple of sites for men, one for mature dating, the other for widow dating but I got annoyed they had advertised they were free then when you got so far they asked for money. In this last week my browsing history is full of Lesbian dating sites and info about Lesbian culture and terminology. I am amazed by how much information there is on the internet about this subject. I have browsed sites that have profiles for older Lesbians looking for a partner but simply did not feel attracted to any of the piccys or came up against a no no for me in the written profile. With women I am quite specific with a leaning towards the butch femme thing. There are so many variations of this though that my head was spinning. When I googled the butch femme thing all of the dating sites for this were American and really interesting......

 

I might make it my new years resolution to actually try a dating site but right now I am exhausted and settling for my two cats.

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No.

 

I think dating and where you meet someone is a mixture of luck, fate (if you believe in such a thing) and being in the right place at the right time.

All of these things can happen online and meeting someone face to face.

All in all I personally think dating is a lottery no matter how you go about trying to find someone.

 

Good luck out there. :-D

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I've never had any luck with online dating. I think I've only been on 3 dates in the past 5 years, after meeting them online. I found I didn't feel chemistry.

 

Sometimes it seemed like all we did was correspond in messages and no dates happened. I had one time where the person asked me to meet for a date, and I was interested and we started to plan something. Next thing I know, they closed their account and we had no date It's such a strange thing.

 

It does seem to work for some people. Just not me. I guess I like having my real life crushes and trying in real life how to connect with them...or gt their attention.

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I have had absolutely no luck with online dating...just my share of heartaches, crazy psycho stalkers and people who were not in it for the right reasons. But alas, I still find myself on them.

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I haven't actually dated online. I've heard of lots of people that have and there are ups and downs. My lovely divorce isn't final so I haven't put myself fully out there yet

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I have tried online dating 3 separate times in the last decade, for about 6 months-1 year each time. I met my first girlfriend that way, and it was magic and a great relationship for awhile, but then I got to know her much more deeply and I did not feel love. It was more like a friend with awesome sex. She broke things off, saying she wanted to move closer to her family, and strangely I did not even cry about the breakup. I was relieved!

 

My second girlfriend I met through a friend and it was much more real.

 

I went on many many many dates with guys and girls. So many emotional rollercoasters. The worst part is when you text or message back and forth forever and then you meet and don't like the person and you feel all that time was wasted. Eventually I started asking people to meet up sooner rather than later, to prevent this. This turned off many women....many did not actually want to even meet in real life! Most guys loved it, and they turned out to be players wanting sex after a date.

 

Many people lied. Some were married or dating someone else. Some wanted a threesome. Others had financial, emotional, legal, or commitment problems. Almost everyone smoked pot (I don't) or smoked tobacco. While dating women, many did not want kids, and I do. Also of men and women openly said they were "looking for some fun" and "nothing too serious" (FWB, NSA)...that's not me.

 

Every time I would start online dating with a rush of excitement of all the possibilities and a total ego boost, and then people flaked out or were different in real life and eventually I would close my account being mad and swearing never to do it again. But I did...three times like I said.

 

I look feminine and am shy at first so I thought it was perfect for me to weed out people...non smoker...wants kids....likes women....is single...etc. All this left with is a dozen women in a 60 mile radius. All the great girls seemed to be in cities or just too far away. I don't have the money for plane flights for a first date.

 

I learned a lot, and I got to go on a lot of dates with women, but there was always something that was a deal breaker. I'm not doing the online thing anymore. If I want to meet a woman at this point I would hang out at all the gay spots and try to make friends through meetups.

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I think if you venture into online dating you need it be patient.

People always assume others will reach out to them, so if you're serious about it, you may have to be the one to message first more often than not.

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I have found they haven't really worked for me. Too many people go on just a photo when attraction is about so much more and I'm not entirely sure people's true personalities come across online like they do in real life. They can be a good tool to introduce yourself to potential matches but people rules others out based on silly rules they probably wouldn't apply in the real world and I'd probably say I'm just as guilty lol

 

Each to their own but it's not for me.

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I found on 'Plenty of Fish', which is a free site, there were too many men 'playing percentages' and contacting and dating loads of women in the hope at least some would sleep with them. One man I met actually called me the wrong name, and seemed to confuse me with someone else, that is not a great way to start a relationship.

 

I haven't quite found the ettiquette of this... if you write back and forth with someone for a couple of weeks - and this, I thought, was quite a good way of getting to know someone in non-pressurised way - then you eventually meet them, do you continue to go on the site? All these sites have 'last logged on' sections, so you can see when someone's been on, and it's a bit annoying to see someone you've gone on a date with and possibly going to see again still logging onto the site! I'll admit I was guilty of this without logging in myself, to see if one guy I'd seen (not the one who couldn't remember my name) might still be arranging dates with other women. I knew he wasn't trying to contact me as I'd already given him my e-mail and phone numbers. I must admit it did put me off seeing him the next time, and we only had one more (awkward) date before I thought it best not to bother anymore.

 

I must admit I'm thinking of trying again in the New Year, but on one of the paid sites attached to newspaper sites as opposed to the free PoF. At least if you join, say, the Guardian site, you have a better idea of the kind of person you might be meeting, as they'd fit in with the profile of a Guardian reader, or Times or Mirror or whatever. It's quite stressy all the same though. I'm looking for a boyfriend, mid-to-late 40s, and that is a really difficult age group to find unattached men in the normal scheme of things.

 

I hadn't really thought about the possibility of meeting a woman on there when I first joined, but I did have a look at the women seeking women section on Plenty of Fish, and I did see a couple of women who a) I fancied from the photo and b) seemed to have similar interests and personality. I'd be worried about getting involved in another same-sex relationship though because I'd face the same problems that finished the one I had four years ago. There were some gay/bi women on there who said they were just looking for 'Friends With Benefits' or just one-off sex, and I was briefly tempted but although it's fun, it's not really what I'm looking for long-term.

 

I'd really recommend reading Stella Grey (a pseudonym and no it's not me!) in the Guardian, she writes a column detailing her experiences in online dating... I'm finding it frustrating though because I really want her to meet someone lovely and not need it anymore!

 

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/mid-life-ex-wife

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I went through a phase of putting up profiles on a couple of online sites (OK Cupid being one), mainly 'cos I was feeling a bit lonely at the time. Plus I was just curious about what kind of folks might be out there. But after a few weeks I deleted my accounts... Just didn't get very inspired by the profiles I saw on there, or the messages I was getting from people. It felt a bit like people had a kind of wish-list of what they were looking for in a partner, like they were comparison shopping or something!

 

I did figure out a bit more about what I was looking for in potential relationships, which was useful. But the main thing I realised was that actually I'd much rather meet someone through social contact, than online... And that also I was fine with being single till that happened. I didn't need to spend hours trawling the internet to find that special someone, because actually there are many lovely people out there and I can meet folks through other activities. And the urge to do the online dating thing has passed, now that I've started to connect to the bi community thru meet-ups and BiCon.

 

I have heard from friends a few internet dating stories... It seems to be fairly common that you encounter someone online and chat and seem to have a lot in common, but when you finally meet in person the chemistry just isn't there. Which can be awkward. But as evidenced in this thread, you also get folks who've met their SO thru these sites.

 

I guess whatever you decide to try, the most important thing is to be safe. Follow all the usual online protocols and don't give out any personal info that might lead someone to you. And if you meet up, make sure it's in a public place.

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