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How Do You Feel Being Married To A Guy When You Are Bi?

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For those of you who are attracted to women, how do you handle being married to a man? Do you have "arrangements" with other women? Do you cheat? Do you fantasize? Do you love your husband so much you don't need to have a woman in your life?

 

I actually like women more than men, but I'm having better luck dating men for some reason and am starting to wonder if I want to marry the guy I am dating now. I feel very happy and sad about this...I think nonstop about women, but I also love our relationship.

 

I am not the type to have the internal stability to have an open or poly relationship. He doesn't want that either, and he knows I am bisexual.

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For those of you who are attracted to women, how do you handle being married to a man? Do you have "arrangements" with other women? Do you cheat? Do you fantasize? Do you love your husband so much you don't need to have a woman in your life?

 

I actually like women more than men, but I'm having better luck dating men for some reason and am starting to wonder if I want to marry the guy I am dating now. I feel very happy and sad about this...I think nonstop about women, but I also love our relationship.

 

I am not the type to have the internal stability to have an open or poly relationship. He doesn't want that either, and he knows I am bisexual.

 

This is such a great question.

 

I've been married for almost 11 years. I am more attracted to women than men, but I only realized this within the last 3 years. I am having an emotional affair with a straight woman. I love her and would definitely have sex with her (again) if she wanted it too. It's a long story. . .

 

I told my husband that I identify as bisexual about 3 years ago. My husband told me that if I want to be with a woman, that we should just get a divorce and he won't allow me to have friends with benefits. (I asked him) It's so tough because my marriage lacks romance, passion, and SEX! We had sex for the first time in almost 3 months a couple weeks ago. No action since then, and it'll probably be another couple of months before we do it again. It's a sad existence, but we have two children together. We don't argue much. It's like a room mate situation. I'm really not being fair to myself, but it feels wrong to leave my husband over something like this.

 

I would say to think long and hard about getting married to a man if you think you like women more. I can't tell you what to do one way or another because it's your life, but I truly hope you put yourself first when making this decision. You don't want to be miserable or have any regrets later on in life. Once children are brought into the equation, it isn't so easy to consider your own needs at all. At least for me it isn't. I would love to hear from other women about this.

 

Best wishes to you, doll!

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For those of you who are attracted to women, how do you handle being married to a man? Do you have "arrangements" with other women? Do you cheat? Do you fantasize? Do you love your husband so much you don't need to have a woman in your life?

 

I actually like women more than men, but I'm having better luck dating men for some reason and am starting to wonder if I want to marry the guy I am dating now. I feel very happy and sad about this...I think nonstop about women, but I also love our relationship.

 

I am not the type to have the internal stability to have an open or poly relationship. He doesn't want that either, and he knows I am bisexual.

 

I am married to a man. My (female) best friend and I recently had sex for the first time. My husband knows and says he is okay with me having a sexual relationship with her.

 

I have been attracted to mostly men. I can be monogamous with a man (and have been for over a decade until my friend and I hooked up). I'm not sure I could be monogamous with a woman. I enjoy penises way too much. Lol!

 

I have always identified as exclusively straight. But my feelings for her, both sexual and emotional, showed me that my sexuality is more in a gray area.

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I have been married for 20 years and I have struggled with my sexuality I have highs and lows. My husband wouldn't be able to accept my feelings, so I have never told him. I don't want to cheat on him whether it's with a man or a woman but for the last couple of years I feel like I don't have much control left and I'm being pushed sub consciously towards an outcome that scares me. We have a happy marriage and I love him very much but I have periods of time that i feel like I'm missing a part of me and that part is another woman. I don't feel whole and the feeling has intensified over the last couple of years.

I'm not sure what will happen..but I don't want to lose my husband and family but I honestly don't know if I can stop myself pursuing what I need. I feel like I am in a vicious circle with no way out.

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My husband & I have been together 18 years & are best friends. I realized I was bi before we met (had my first crush on a girl when I was nine, before, I knew what bi was) & I told him. He's also bi. I'm 47 & before we met, there wasn't the same kind of resources there are now for people to be able to explore & better understand themselves. My experience with women was crushes & flirting. After marrying & especially after joining here (almost 10 years ago), I recognized I'm poly. We made an arrangement where he can see guys & I can have lady loves. No swinging, threesomes & at least for me, no hookups.

 

I also discovered more recently, that I'm gender fluid (I'm a bio female) & pan (able to be interested in & attracted to someone regardless of biological sex or gender identity). These are things I've always been, but, didn't have the words for. I'm also the type that sex is the least important aspect & I prefer it within a relationship. I need strong intellectual, emotional & sometimes, romantic connections. I've learned that there's a wonderfully broad spectrum when it comes to orientation & gender identity & how we approach & pursue it. Each person/couple has to decide for themselves what will work best. Sometimes, that comes about by trial & error. What matters is being open & honest.

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This is such a great question.

 

I've been married for almost 11 years. I am more attracted to women than men, but I only realized this within the last 3 years. I am having an emotional affair with a straight woman. I love her and would definitely have sex with her (again) if she wanted it too. It's a long story. . .

 

I told my husband that I identify as bisexual about 3 years ago. My husband told me that if I want to be with a woman, that we should just get a divorce and he won't allow me to have friends with benefits. (I asked him) It's so tough because my marriage lacks romance, passion, and SEX! We had sex for the first time in almost 3 months a couple weeks ago. No action since then, and it'll probably be another couple of months before we do it again. It's a sad existence, but we have two children together. We don't argue much. It's like a room mate situation. I'm really not being fair to myself, but it feels wrong to leave my husband over something like this.

 

I would say to think long and hard about getting married to a man if you think you like women more. I can't tell you what to do one way or another because it's your life, but I truly hope you put yourself first when making this decision. You don't want to be miserable or have any regrets later on in life. Once children are brought into the equation, it isn't so easy to consider your own needs at all. At least for me it isn't. I would love to hear from other women about this.

 

Best wishes to you, doll!

 

Oh my goodness. I could have written almost all of that myself. My marriage lacks all the same things that yours does and my husband takes my bisexuality as a fact and nothing more and clearly doesn't appreciate how it feels for me. One of my friends told me that she worries about me, as it seems wrong to live such a sad existence and there are days when it does feel unbearable. However, I feel very strongly that our eldest child (who has additional needs) would struggle hugely if her Dad and I separated. He once told me a long time ago that if we ever separated we could never be friends and I would want an amiable relationships for the sake of our children.

 

I am hugely attracted to someone I work with and they confuse me, and whilst I have previously maintained that I would do nothing that could be detrimental to my children, there are days when I feel so low that if the opportunity was there with this woman I'm not sure I would choose the sensible option.

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Oh my goodness. I could have written almost all of that myself. My marriage lacks all the same things that yours does and my husband takes my bisexuality as a fact and nothing more and clearly doesn't appreciate how it feels for me. One of my friends told me that she worries about me, as it seems wrong to live such a sad existence and there are days when it does feel unbearable. However, I feel very strongly that our eldest child (who has additional needs) would struggle hugely if her Dad and I separated. He once told me a long time ago that if we ever separated we could never be friends and I would want an amiable relationships for the sake of our children.

 

I am hugely attracted to someone I work with and they confuse me, and whilst I have previously maintained that I would do nothing that could be detrimental to my children, there are days when I feel so low that if the opportunity was there with this woman I'm not sure I would choose the sensible option.

 

So interesting that are stories are truly similar! I battled with feeling guilty after my friend and I had a brief sexual encounter in June of 2014 while we were on vacation. She identifies as straight, and I also think her big issue is that I'm married. I have a feeling that holds her back from being free with me.

 

I don't feel guilty anymore. I have a friend who sounds like yours. My friend can be really mean and judgmental sometimes though. She gets upset with me, because she thinks I'm throwing my life away for the sake of my children who will grow up and leave one day, and an unfulfilling marriage. On one hand I get it, but leaving is so much easier said than done. Like you said, it will effect the children tremendously. Is it really worth it? I feel like I'm compromising my integrity and morals because I never thought in a million years that I could be a cheater. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Sigh. . . .

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Best of both worlds.

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I am married and my husband knows that I am bisexual. He is the first person I told. We had a long talk about everything. He first thought I was saying I wanted to leave him and be with women. Once he understood that I love him, we were able to have a great talk. He told me he is allright with me having relationships with women. He wants me to be happy and as long as I am open with him about what I am doing it is great. He and I both want to make sure the lines of communication is open.

I have not found a woman as of yet. I will be honest with her when I do find her. I will not leave my husband, but she will be important to me.

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Don't get married if there are any doubts in your head. It's supposed to be a life long commitment.

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I am married and my husband knows that I am bisexual. He is the first person I told. We had a long talk about everything. He first thought I was saying I wanted to leave him and be with women. Once he understood that I love him, we were able to have a great talk. He told me he is allright with me having relationships with women. He wants me to be happy and as long as I am open with him about what I am doing it is great. He and I both want to make sure the lines of communication is open.

I have not found a woman as of yet. I will be honest with her when I do find her. I will not leave my husband, but she will be important to me.

 

Sounds like the perfect situation. I told my husband that I wouldn't leave him if I had a relationship with a woman, but he still views it as cheating and says he couldn't be with me. I need to respect that or consider leaving.

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This is one of the hardest parts of being Bi for me, my husband. We've been married 18 years, I still love him, we have a great marriage, believe it or not we have out of this world amazing sex, but my attraction to women has become so intense I am getting to a point it's eating me alive inside. I do not believe he would be accepting at all. I have known him 24 years, I know he could never live with knowing how attracted to women I am. I have never wanted to cheat on him, I would not want to hurt him like that, but the cheating would not be because he's doing anything wrong if that makes any sense. I'm just wired different I guess, and the desires I have are at an all time high.....it's a complicated f'ed up mess!!

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DSCVRNME, I am grateful I have my husband. I am sorry your husband does not see it differently. I understand some don't understand. I hope over time he will come to realize what it means to you. I wish you the best.

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Yea I am married too and I do love him. He's actually a really great guy and is very good to me. I just can't help but think about women...quite a lot. We do have sex regularly, and I do enjoy it. However, fantasies and dreams are almost always about women. I feel bad but I really cant help it, I've never been with a woman so the excitement is always there..the curiosity is killing me. He also knows that I like women, he knew from the start and he's totally fine with checking out women with me however, he is not okay with me sleeping with other women just for fun and I guess I dont blame him. He is open to a threesome but idk how I feel about that. It seems to be a common theme with a lot a ladies here unfortunately...I really would like to explore another woman by myself but I dont know if he'd ever be okay with it

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I struggled with this some back when I dated men. I have always been way more into women than men, but like you, it was always easier to find men than women. I always fantasized about women while with men, but I refused to cheat, and I never did. Now that I am single again (my ex and I had major issues completely unrelated to my sexuality), it's women only moving forward. Women have always made me happier, I love sex with women, etc. it's just what makes me happy.

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A really good question and It's good reading how other married women handle it. I have a really good marriage,we are very happy and we have three children .But yes,i think about being with a woman all the time ! It makes things difficult.I hear other bi people say they are happy being monogamous but how ??...because honestly,i feel like a piece of me is missing.!? .I have recently admitted to myself I am bi and since then my feelings ( and urges) have gotten stronger.I'm hoping that this just because im new to identifying as bi and that,in time,the feelings will settle down but,I don't know.It feels like emotional cheating when I dream about waking up with a woman in my arms. I feel guilty and an ungrateful bitch because my husband is so good to me.I've told him im bi and his main worry when I told him was i'd leave him for a woman but I assured him I never would and I meant it.I love him too much.

We have discussed open marriage and he seems to be okay with it but,I think the reality for him would be hard.But I am thinking about it seriously.

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So interesting that are stories are truly similar! I battled with feeling guilty after my friend and I had a brief sexual encounter in June of 2014 while we were on vacation. She identifies as straight, and I also think her big issue is that I'm married. I have a feeling that holds her back from being free with me.

 

I don't feel guilty anymore. I have a friend who sounds like yours. My friend can be really mean and judgmental sometimes though. She gets upset with me, because she thinks I'm throwing my life away for the sake of my children who will grow up and leave one day, and an unfulfilling marriage. On one hand I get it, but leaving is so much easier said than done. Like you said, it will effect the children tremendously. Is it really worth it? I feel like I'm compromising my integrity and morals because I never thought in a million years that I could be a cheater. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Sigh. . . .

 

This may seem a small thing but it feels like such a relief to have 'met' someone who has such a similar story, and appreciates that leaving is a lot easier said than done. I heard a piece on the radio recently about children who as adults were cross with their parent for staying in an unhappy marriage for their sake and they felt that their parent should have left. Maybe when my children are older they will feel like that but my responsibility is to them as children and not to them as adults. My friend is very good and not at all judgmental, she worries about me and has said that she feels my eldest child would cope but I really don't think she would. Another friend of mine can be a little harsh sometime, but she is a lesbian and has told me on a number of occasions to get off the fence and choose women!

 

The person I am attracted to at work is aware of how my marriage is but it may well be that for them it is still an obstacle, no matter how unhappy it is.

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Defintely think about this now rather than later down the line.

 

The biggest thing is to decide whether you are built to be monogamous. not everyone is, no matter what their sexuality, and their is nothing wrong with being polyamorous, you just need to make sure everyone involved is ok with it.

 

If you feel you are monogamous, then you need to really consider whether you do want to marry this guy. Many bisexual women settle down with one partner for life, man or woman, but it has to be the right partner xx

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Wow, this is an interesting topic. Thank you all for posting and sharing so honestly.

 

The whole monogamy/polyamory thing is something I'm only just starting to find out about. At BiCon there were workshops about exploring polyamory (and also one session about monogamy). I kind of wish I'd gone to the Polyamory 101 session, because although I've always been in monogamous relationships (well, on my side, anyway) the possibilities of polyamory interest me.

 

I've never been married or had kids, but I was in a long term relationship once with a man where I didn't feel fulfilled sexually... And it was pretty soul destroying. Looking back I wish I'd left that relationship sooner, but at the time I still felt an emotional and romantic connection so I hung in there hoping things would get better (they didn't).

 

As for children being in the equation... Yeah, that's a biggie. I once read that one of the best things we can do for our children is to live happy and fulfilled lives ourselves (obviously assuming that doesn't involve damaging them in some way). Speaking from experience, growing up with parents who had (and still have, to some extent) a marriage where dissatisfaction produces low-level warfare a lot of the time, the lesson you can learn as a kid is that marriage can be a miserable commitment some of the time but you just have to accept that. (Which is probably a big part of why I stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship myself for so long. So damage can take a while to manifest.)

 

I don't mean by this that marriage is not a good thing for some folks, or that people should jump ship if there are difficulties... Just that for me nowadays I know that if I'm not fulfilled in a relationship - if I can't be all of who I am - then I'm better off not being in that relationship. That's my totally personal belief at this point in my life.

 

Umm. Hope that's still on topic.

 

As for polyamory, what I have understood from those people I've spoken to (and folks on this forum), is that total honesty and consent are absolutely key. Which isn't rocket science, I guess - the same is true for any relationship, I would've thought. I've met women who are married to a man, have kids, and they want to keep their husband and family at the centre of their lives, and also have a relationship with a woman... Just not as their primary partner. My initial internal reaction to that was "Whoa, not sure I could deal with that, I'd rather be someone's significant other than the bit on the side" - but on reflection I realised this is my stuff to work on.

 

When I first started reading about polyamory it felt complicated and I was like, "Don't think I could do that, too potentially emotionally messy." But the more I talk to people who have polyamorous relationships, the more I realise how many different ways there are to love one another, enjoy one another, and enrich each other's lives.

 

Anyway... Good luck with exploring your sexuality and relationship choices. I think as long as you stay honest with yourself and anyone else involved, you'll negotiate the difficult parts and come out the other side stronger and happier for it.

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I have been married for over 15 years, been together over 20 yrs. I am just at the point where I am about to tell him that I am bisexual and that I can not promise to be faithful to him wrt a woman (I don't want another man). We have so much history, he is the person that understands me most outside my bisexuality, there are times where I have so much love for him, at times he is my best friend...But there are times when he is frustrating, times where he does not understand me and times when I capitulate my wants for peace. Why the negativity? well a lot has to do with him but a lot has to do with me. I wanted certain things back then, I thought I didn't have doubts, I thought I had found what I was looking for but I don't think I was in touch with my feelings as much as I thought I was.

 

Why am I telling you this? well to explain where my advice is coming from. If you are going to choose a partner for life, someone to marry then you must have no doubts. It sounds like you do. You already know yourself better than I did back then so don't settle for something, go and find what you truly want before you choose.

 

As for me, I have no idea how he will take it when I tell him. He could take it well or it could be the end. That is something I must live with because my need to be myself at the moment is greater than my need for a peaceful life.

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Good luck! It's a tough thing to bring up. Hopefully, he will be open and supportive.

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I have been married six years and recently had a big discussion about my bisexuailty. He wants to allow me to be myself and explore this side of myself. He doesnt want me to just hook up. Which works out great because I long for a innimate relationship on many levels with a women. So he has given me premission to start a relationship. However, he wants to have a threesome he doesn't even mind if he is not allowed to touch the other women. It makes me want to hurry up and get the threesome out of the way so I can start my personal relationship with a women.

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Good luck MSR in telling him.I recently told my husband and I was shaking as I did so ! but,he was really,truly okay with it. He has been very supportive.It's such a weight of my shoulders to get it out and say " I'm Bisexual"! .I'm lucky.We have been together 14 years .

 

Just go for it. He may surprise you ?

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I have been married six years and recently had a big discussion about my bisexuailty. He wants to allow me to be myself and explore this side of myself. He doesnt want me to just hook up. Which works out great because I long for a innimate relationship on many levels with a women. So he has given me premission to start a relationship. However, he wants to have a threesome he doesn't even mind if he is not allowed to touch the other women. It makes me want to hurry up and get the threesome out of the way so I can start my personal relationship with a women.

 

My husband always desired a threesome, but never pressed me on it and was just fine without it. My girlfriends husband really wanted a threesome badly, and still does, but we settled on a compromise and decided to just let them watch us. Maybe that could appease your husbands desires. It really helped our husbands, or at least they seemed pleased by it.

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I've been married to a man for 25 years. We're all about honesty. He is not bothered if I have a relationship with a woman as long as I tell him and it is on a FWB basis. He has no wish to be involved, he just wants me to be happy. The biggest obstacle for me isn't my husband's attitude but that of women who want more than I can give them.

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