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How Do You Feel Being Married To A Guy When You Are Bi?

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I've been married to a man for 11 years and together with him a total of 16 years. When I was younger I just had really horrible luck with women and relationships with men just came easier, what I really wanted was the security of a long term relationship. I hated being lonely and since I really don't have much family it was really scary to be completely alone. If I had it to do all over again I would never have gotten married. He's is strictly monogamous, even though he knows I'm bi and I am not interested in divorce. We have kids and a home and splitting everything would just be so painful at this point in life. If we get to the point of divorce, I would not choose to be monogamous again.

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My husband has known since before we began dating so he understands it and accepts it. We've been together for 16 years and married for 12. He does not mind me having a girlfriend as long as he knows about it, meets her, and the relationship does not interfere with the marriage or our children.

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I am married and my husband knows that I am bisexual. He is the first person I told. We had a long talk about everything. He first thought I was saying I wanted to leave him and be with women. Once he understood that I love him, we were able to have a great talk. He told me he is allright with me having relationships with women. He wants me to be happy and as long as I am open with him about what I am doing it is great. He and I both want to make sure the lines of communication is open.

I have not found a woman as of yet. I will be honest with her when I do find her. I will not leave my husband, but she will be important to me.

 

You absolutely nailed my situation though in my case, have found a flirt. And I have been struggling with how to explain something (if a date asked) that in heterosexual terms would sound like cheating on my partner. This makes me feel much better about explaining it!

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My husband knows I am bisexual - or to be exact he is aware that I have dated women before we met and go married. He is very at ease with this and he is a very supportive and loving human being. I do miss a part of myself now though. I miss the love of a woman (could never be just sexual for me). But I do not see how to reconcile this with my marriage.

 

I think telling my husband I am falling in love with a woman would not be ok. I would never leave him and he knows this; but I am not sure he could cope with me loving another person even though she is a woman. He could cope with me being attracted to her, which is very different.

(not that I am about to tell this woman anything anyway - so I am truly feeling a bit stuck - cannot talk to him nor her for different reasons).

So to reply your initial question (how do u feel being married to a guy when yo are bi): I feel there is space for some part of it but I am unable to find the balance since about 8 months, now, because my feelings for her are totally unexpected and take too much importance.

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Just had a staggering response on this topic on a bi FB page! Described a scenario very similar to those described here and asked how they thought other bi women would react to it, essentially whether they thought it would come across OK. Since it seems common here I was NOT expecting the answer I got.

 

I was told I would look like a 'pickup artist for my husband' because I am disabled and to stick to making friends!

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Just had a staggering response on this topic on a bi FB page! Described a scenario very similar to those described here and asked how they thought other bi women would react to it, essentially whether they thought it would come across OK. Since it seems common here I was NOT expecting the answer I got.

 

I was told I would look like a 'pickup artist for my husband' because I am disabled and to stick to making friends!

 

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????

But that sounds very very nasty or is it me who did not understand the English meaning ?

Pickup artist? Disabled..???

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"Pick up artist" or PUA is usually meant someone like those infamous individuals such as "Roosh V" who hold seminars teaching people women or men but usually men, how to seduce women by using tricks and behaviours that seem attractive but have rape as the end aim. The disability connection is that it is not uncommon in some countries for people who are learning disabled to be exploited by abusers who can be partners carers or family to seek out other victims for them (and yes, spoke to professionals in domestic violence and this is a problem)

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Defintely think about this now rather than later down the line.

 

The biggest thing is to decide whether you are built to be monogamous. not everyone is, no matter what their sexuality, and their is nothing wrong with being polyamorous, you just need to make sure everyone involved is ok with it.

 

If you feel you are monogamous, then you need to really consider whether you do want to marry this guy. Many bisexual women settle down with one partner for life, man or woman, but it has to be the right partner xx

 

I agree with this. I think it is very important to work out the ground rules before you get married so you don't get trapped in a marriage where you are unhappy. I didn't do this and it affects me every single day :(

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"I agree with this. I think it is very important to work out the ground rules before you get married so you don't get trapped in a marriage where you are unhappy. I didn't do this and it affects me every single day :( "
Hugs to you, Magenta. Not a precise match in situation - my husband knew I suffered from depression and had been sexually assaulted but if I had known I was bi I think we would have managed my unhappiness better.
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Hugs to you, Magenta. Not a precise match in situation - my husband knew I suffered from depression and had been sexually assaulted but if I had known I was bi I think we would have managed my unhappiness better.

 

Hugs back.

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I agree with this. I think it is very important to work out the ground rules before you get married so you don't get trapped in a marriage where you are unhappy. I didn't do this and it affects me every single day :(

But you know sometimes...you don't know in advance. I am monogamous, always was. By conviction, deep conviction. And I met this brand new friend, 8 months ago who has turned my world upside down and thankfully, hopefully, just thinks I am her crazy nutcase French friend, but has not understood (yet) how I really feel about her.

So here is my daily life: I love my hubby, we this rare and precious closeness, he is the person I want to grow old with, sometimes I feel so close to him I feel we are one entity. I have a kid, and thinking of trying to have another one.

But every day I think about her. She has touched me so profoundly, that I know I have serious feelings for her - not an infatuation. She seems so far rather straight ^^ (ha ha) - but would she give me any signal I am sure my vision of a monogamous life would be endangered. In fact is is already over, the way I am thinking about her.

 

So, who does that make me? Never wanted to be in this situation, but being bisexual is that possible, ever? To really, literally, totally, choose ONE gender for the rest of your life? In that case, am I bi just in my head, fatasizing, and is this enough to make me feel happy and complete? Answer is no, this is not enough.

 

So I feel trapped, when I got married though with the best, most sincere intention of being monogamous.

 

I cannot go to my hubby who knows I am bi and explain I am having feelings for someone else. I could eventually have told him I am attracted to a woman. But feelings? close to love, at the moment...? He would feel hurt and lost, confused and I am not sure we could solve it.

And though my point was: never expected this.

 

So I don't know how much you can decide in advance of long term monogamy when in fact, you are bisexual. It seems nearly to me antagonistic. I guess it is a huge debate.

Edited by HappyFrenchie
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I'm 34, been married to a guy for nearly 13 years. No kids.

 

I fell for a chick last year and it totally rocked my world. The friendship with her was sheer agony because I was so conflicted. With my husband, and men in general, I'm able to compartmentalism my feelings. With her? No such luck. It was emotional AND physical.

 

It took over a year for me to admit my true feelings to myself and then my husband. I tried to get rid of the feelings for her. I didn't want them. I didn't ask for them. I felt guilty and ashamed, let alone how confusing they were.

 

My husband said he knew all along, but was pissed. He said if I ever had feelings for a woman again, he would want to divorce. Now, about 3-4 months after my revelation to him, he allows me to talk to women, online, in a "more than friend" way. I've yet to meet a women, in person.

 

I think he was under the assumption that this would happen right away, but it hasn't. I think that he assumes it's never going to happen, at this rate, and feels secure in that.

 

Our sex life is not the greatest, since my drive is much higher than his. I jokingly tell him that this is the perfect reason for me to have a girlfriend. Part of me is joking, part of me is serious...

 

I dunno what's going to happen in the future. I do love him, I don't want to hurt him, and I consider him my best-friend. But what I felt for her, I've never felt before in my life. I'm just not sure that if I felt that way for someone new and the opportunity presented itself, if I could control it or not.

Edited by caliwoman
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I'm 34, been married to a guy for nearly 13 years. No kids.

 

I fell for a chick last year and it totally rocked my world. The friendship with her was sheer agony because I was so conflicted. With my husband, and men in general, I'm able to compartmentalism my feelings. With her? No such luck. It was emotional AND physical.

 

It took over a year for me to admit my true feelings to myself and then my husband. I tried to get rid of the feelings for her. I didn't want them. I didn't ask for them. I felt guilty and ashamed, let alone how confusing they were.

 

My husband said he knew all along, but was pissed. He said if I ever had feelings for a woman again, he would want to divorce. Now, about 3-4 months after my revelation to him, he allows me to talk to women, online, in a "more than friend" way. I've yet to meet a women, in person.

 

I think he was under the assumption that this would happen right away, but it hasn't. I think that he assumes it's never going to happen, at this rate, and feels secure in that.

 

Our sex life is not the greatest, since my drive is much higher than his. I jokingly tell him that this is the perfect reason for me to have a girlfriend. Part of me is joking, part of me is serious...

 

I dunno what's going to happen in the future. I do love him, I don't want to hurt him, and I consider him my best-friend. But what I felt for her, I've never felt before in my life. I'm just not sure that if I felt that way for someone new and the opportunity presented itself, if I could control it or not.

 

I really understand what you are writing. We sometimes under estimate how well our spouse knows us don't we...

In your case looks like the fact he tried to give you some freedom was a way to try to save your marriage and grant you trust, also?

In the meantime I also am with you on the feelings part. What has struck me, hit me on the head, is the powerful feelings I have for her.Never b4. I used to have tenderness for women I slept with and dated, a lot, in fact, but nothing comparing with "this".

 

If I sit next to her, and we don't talk, I feel so serene and so complete...

It is a very profound feeling, that of course is also heavily tainted with physical desire, but there is something else to it that I know I will never be able to erase, even though nothing will/would happen between us other than friendship.

 

You had guts to tell your husband, that a woman would improve you sex drive. I would never have those guts....

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I really understand what you are writing. We sometimes under estimate how well our spouse knows us don't we...

In your case looks like the fact he tried to give you some freedom was a way to try to save your marriage and grant you trust, also?

In the meantime I also am with you on the feelings part. What has struck me, hit me on the head, is the powerful feelings I have for her.Never b4. I used to have tenderness for women I slept with and dated, a lot, in fact, but nothing comparing with "this".

 

If I sit next to her, and we don't talk, I feel so serene and so complete...

It is a very profound feeling, that of course is also heavily tainted with physical desire, but there is something else to it that I know I will never be able to erase, even though nothing will/would happen between us other than friendship.

 

You had guts to tell your husband, that a woman would improve you sex drive. I would never have those guts....

 

Awwww the feelings you describe for your crush, brings back the memories of mine. "I've never felt anything like THIS" is something we both share.

 

I remember being so happy next to her. There wasn't anywhere else I wanted to be than just talking to her. Interacting with her. She felt safe. She felt like...home.

 

You don't think you'll ever tell ur husband?

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I remember being so happy next to her. There wasn't anywhere else I wanted to be than just talking to her. Interacting with her. She felt safe. She felt like...home.

 

You don't think you'll ever tell ur husband?

 

I feel safe with her, but I think she feels not so safe with me - a little uncertain - I am quite far (god and bad) from her usual female friends - not because of my feelings but because culturally and socially we were brought up differently and are behaving today differently. She is often "frightened" and will freeze, unsure how she should react, while I am often too wild.

So I have to be careful, because sometimes she cannot handle my excess of whatever: warmth, words, emotions...she is much more refrained than I am as she was raised under a lot of pressure from her parents.

The other way round she can be harsh and super straightforward and make me feel like a guilty little girl..!

 

So no, she does not feel safe.

 

As for my husband: I don't know. A part of me knows he could handle so much because he is a creative, he is super sensitive, he has had a crazy life, he likes people who are different, he is tolerant and open minded, he takes 10 journeys a day in his head...

Another part of me is raising red flags - "don't!" - as this question is not about what he could understand but how I feel about her.

These feelings that go far beyond physical attraction, or a simple infatuation. these feelings are close from what I think, is called love. The type of love I did not know I could feel for a woman and especially after being happily married.

So I feel guilty with both: with both I am not totally honest.

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Had my fun before I got married. :) I prefer men, and would not conceive having a woman as a long term partner. So these days yes, it's fantasizing, although my husband would be open that have MFF threesomes, as jealousy would not be an issue.

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So I don't know how much you can decide in advance of long term monogamy when in fact, you are bisexual. It seems nearly to me antagonistic. I guess it is a huge debate.

 

I think this a lot. I really want to be monogamous, but can't really see how. How is that supposed to work, when you have such strong feelings for BOTH genders?

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I think this a lot. I really want to be monogamous, but can't really see how. How is that supposed to work, when you have such strong feelings for BOTH genders?

 

Hello Vivian!

I so much agree....which makes me feel very dishonest vis a vis my present way of life and question it somehow.

I do not and never will regret my choices i.e. a family and, with a man - but yet a big part of me is really missing.

I guess it may have been dormant but could never disappear otherwise how could I be bi...? And life being about encounters, when you meet someone who wakes you up....

Cat biting its own tail...

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I thought I was straight most of my life. A few years ago I came to realize I am bi and have been all of my life. I realized that girls I thought were "really cool" I actually thought were really hot! 😍 My husband and I have been together since high school and he knows I'm bi. He supports it and is open to me pursuing a relationship with a woman. I haven't been lucky enough to find that right girl yet but I am looking and open 😁

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I too have been married to a wonderful man for 19 years and love our relationship! I finally acknowledged that I'm bi last fall during a conversation we were having one night in bed. He's suspected for years, I just wasn't ready to acknowledge it yet. I feel like I am finally moving past the "I'm bi" stage to really truly accepting this part of me and all it entails. I'm really struggling with the fact that I love my life, I love my husband to to he moon and back, we have two amazing kids, but I'm more aroused by women than men and thats pretty heartbreaking when all I want is to feel that way about my husband. I don't feel a void in my life, I don't want a relationship with another person, I have my person, I have beautiful friendships with women and I'm content with all that but sexually I just don't know what to do. I cherish my amazing man who's so loving, supportive, understanding and accepting of who I am and don't want to do anything to jeopardize our connection. I'm feeling rather sad and lost at the moment.

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At the moment - extremely hard! My friend and I are in a very tight emotional lock which before long I'm sure will become physical. It's still on the unspoken word but our attraction/addiction to each other is obvious. She has given me clear signals she is Bi and I'm definitely Bi Curious. We are both trying to remain faithful to our husbands (both husbands are not happy with our closeness) but it seems we cannot get enough of each other so continue the emotional flirting. I've tried to pull away but she takes up my mind and she senses when I do and she doesnt give up easily :) I've only had these sort of feelings for one other woman which ended badly a few years ago. I've always labelled myself as straight but since I've met my friend I have to admit to looking at women differently. I'm not as close to my husband physically. Unfortunately it has affected our marriage -because Im so intense with my friend she does affect my mood. He struggles with our friendship alone so he would never allow me to experiment with her! It's hard :(

Edited by Married&Iknowit
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I too have been married to a wonderful man for 19 years and love our relationship! I finally acknowledged that I'm bi last fall during a conversation we were having one night in bed. He's suspected for years, I just wasn't ready to acknowledge it yet. I feel like I am finally moving past the "I'm bi" stage to really truly accepting this part of me and all it entails. I'm really struggling with the fact that I love my life, I love my husband to to he moon and back, we have two amazing kids, but I'm more aroused by women than men and thats pretty heartbreaking when all I want is to feel that way about my husband. I don't feel a void in my life, I don't want a relationship with another person, I have my person, I have beautiful friendships with women and I'm content with all that but sexually I just don't know what to do. I cherish my amazing man who's so loving, supportive, understanding and accepting of who I am and don't want to do anything to jeopardize our connection. I'm feeling rather sad and lost at the moment.

Hi Rachelle. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I think a lot of us deal with similar issues related to our attractions to women while in a relationship with a man. Our culture has pressured all of us to feel that if we are not always ready to have sex with our man, then there must be something wrong with us. Add on to that the stigma of bisexuality. What I've been realizing is that it's up to me to define my relationship and my sexuality. I am starting to become more comfortable with the emotional/romantic bond that my bf and I have that leads to good sex rather than fixating on "wait, but I'm more physically attracted to women so isn't this dishonest?" I too have been heartbroken by this thought, but I think it is wrong. My sexuality encompasses a broad range of emotional, romantic and yes physical aspects. I realize that my partner is not on my favorite side of the physical attraction spectrum, but he does it for me on the other aspects, and I feel that physical attraction when he is kind, caring, loving and intimate. I feel deeply pained by this culture that places so much emphasis on physical attraction and it has caused me severe anxiety and depression and nearly ended my relationship that I love. I think I'm a little bit rambling now but I sit here crying thinking of how difficult this world has made it for those of us who do things differently. Fortunately my partner is open to me flirting with and possibly having casual sexual encounters with women but my commitment is with him. Have you brought up the possibility of you sleeping with other people? It's a difficult talk to have but it could open up a whole new chapter of your relationship. I've found that even just with him being okay with the idea of me being with other people, I have been more and more attracted to him. Funny how things work sometimes. Just know that there are so many people going through similar circumstances. I hope you find some peace through all of this.

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It seems that a lot of people are not happy with their relationships with men when they seek out a woman. I am very happy and satisfied with my relationship with my husband. I have just also started to develop feeling for a woman on top of it. I am not sure if anyone else is in a similar situation. I really care about both of them very much. And I have no idea what to do.

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It seems that a lot of people are not happy with their relationships with men when they seek out a woman. I am very happy and satisfied with my relationship with my husband. I have just also started to develop feeling for a woman on top of it. I am not sure if anyone else is in a similar situation. I really care about both of them very much. And I have no idea what to do.

 

I think we are quite similar Ona! I am in the exact same situation. Few more posts and we can message each other! I would love to chat

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I am not bi and I feel ok. I have my moments were the need to tell him is strong but I am thinking of the consequences and I stop

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