While It Lasted...

3 posts in this topic

This is a follow up post to another post I made about two months ago... titled "She Exists!" and it was excited, hopeful, etc... because I had found a girlfriend who would accept all of me- mom, married, gender-queer... and it was very complimentary of my outstanding husband who was open to poly-amory and allowing me to have a girlfriend.


Reading it now kinda makes me sick because of how it's gone since.


Well, things were good for a while, but there were some background factors. First, before this extra relationship even started, both my girlfriend and my husband both suffer mental illness/other issues. My girlfriend suffers with an eating disorder, self-harm, and depression/anxiety. My husband suffers with OCD, Paranoia, depression/anxiety.

So, going into this- there were issues on both sides. Both a bit needy of someone who is strong to lean on. That someone being me...


About 2 months into this new relationship with my girlfriend- right after I made the first post, in fact- my husband and I started fighting on nearly a daily basis. He was paranoid I was going to leave him, had constant anxiety, etc... and as he was starting to freak out, so was she. She was worried about the same things- thought I was going to leave her, needed constant reassurance, etc. Essentially, they were both freaking out about the same thing- afraid I'd have to choose and I wouldn't choose them- and they both freaked out most when I wasn't with them, but was with the other, alone. But, all I wanted was both sides satisfied. I wanted my man AND my woman and to never have to choose. And, I thought this was possible... while we were all together, things were great! Girlfriend and husband were becoming friends, texting each other, and trying to communicate to hopefully reduce the anxiety for themselves and each other. Really trying to work on this... and our kids were getting super used to her being around. They liked her, even.


Fast forward to two weeks ago... my husband came to me and said that the night before, he had come close to taking a blade to his wrist to commit suicide. I put the brakes on life altogether right there- he needed help. I took two days off work to get him thru crisis intervention/intake and into a residential facility, where he stayed for 6 days. While he was in treatment, girlfriend kind of moved in because I needed help with my kids and work, etc. in my husband's absence. Husband didn't have a problem with that and knew about it while he was in treatment. In fact, he expressed gratitude for her help. I hoped that when he got out, our bond between the three of us would be stronger...


Well, he's been out for a week and already he is suicidal again and for the last 3 days, he has been in tears countless times- barely able to keep it together, but refusing to talk to me about it. I could tell he wasn't well and I could tell that my relationship with the girlfriend probably wasn't helping so I backed off and avoided her for those days... Then, last night, he finally said outright as he threw our marriage license in my face, "I can't take it. You have to end it and be only mine."



So, I did because he has a point- I made vows to him and if he's no longer okay with it, I have to respect that. Now she's suicidal and has already taken a blade to herself in self-harm as a result.


And, now I feel like the one who might go over the edge. My once supportive husband who has said ever since we came out to each other as bisexual in 2007 that he supports me and is okay with me being with women is basically saying I must stuff myself back into the closet and live there for the rest of my life because he says so, because we are married. He's bisexual, too, and has had several sexual encounters with men- some repeating, but no true commitment to any one of them. I never had one problem with any of it, but on my side, sexual encounters like one night stands are not easy to come by- I only had sex with women when it was a group thing with another couple or something, but never on my own. Women prefer emotional connection or at least sex with someone they at least get to know and have a friends w/benefits kind of thing- still that's more commitment than a one-night stand... but in my quest to find someone, most women want a connection, a relationship and honestly, I'd rather have one girl I'm with and not be fucking around with a bunch of different people (hello! That's how STD's spread!) but I guess because this was a relationship that was taking time away from him and because I came to care deeply for her, it made him anxious. Too anxious to cope... and now I have to end it.


The entire dynamic of our marriage is forever changed after this. 2007 was 9 years ago. We have stayed together for 9 years after coming out under the impression that our marriage was open for same sex relationships/encounters. I just didn't find one til now... and now that I have found a girl who gets me and that I care about, I have to end it and send her over the edge like I don't care about her emotions all because he's cracking up? Granted, there's more to his cracking up than just this relationship. He claims he's been sliding into a dark depression hole since last August (2015). He said he never wanted me to have this relationship, but agreed to it because he wanted me to be happy. He didn't realize how much it would affect him.


So, WTF do I do now?? Like I said- he's asking me to stuff myself back into the closet and live the rest of my life heterosexually even though I'm damn near a lesbian and I am gender-fluid. I'm not sure I can do that. I'm not sure I can just ignore who I am... This might be a deal breaker. Honestly, I wouldn't go back to my girlfriend if I did leave him over it because she went directly to cutting when we broke up and I made it clear in the beginning I couldn't be with her if she would do that... so if I left my husband, I'd be on my own. But, how can I leave him because I'm gay, right as he's having a mental break down and needs me? What kind of wife does that make me? But, how can I fake our relationship on the other hand- because it's honestly difficult to love him right now... and for how long?


He said he's making me do this because he "loves me too much" and needs me all to himself... but I feel like he doesn't love me at all if, for 9 years, he'd say "It's okay to be gay!", go around having his own encounters, etc... and then all of a sudden because I found someone, it is no longer okay for me to be gay.




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I'm not sure how much advice I can give you but I'm in a situation with a few similarities to yours. I know you'll probably be feeling angry with your husband right now. You've said that if you did leave your husband you wouldn't want to be with your girlfriend so that's a decision made. I think you need your husband to be in a better place mentally so that you have space and a clearer head to make choices that are right for you. X


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Thanks for the response. I have been broken up from my girlfriend for a week now and it feels like an eternity. She's making really unhealthy choices (from what I gather on social media) in response to this whole thing and I feel insanely guilty, like I'm the reason she's backsliding into behaviors she has been trying to recover from... but it also lets me know that I really, really don't want to be with her specifically because I can't be with someone who isn't working on themselves. And, it has actually given me a lot of clarity. There isn't a desire to return to HER, necessarily.


But, in this week, it has become blatantly obvious in my mind/heart that being forced back into the closet by my husband is a deal breaker. I have let myself slowly come out for 9 years, ... trusting that it was okay and now that it's not? I don't know what to do. I've had the best friend chat and her advice was: "Honey, I have known you are gay- very near 100% gay- for several years now. This is who you are. You can't go the rest of your life not being true to yourself. It will only grow resentment for your husband and that's no marriage. You guys are kind of at a stale mate- there's no way you can both be truly happy at the same time. You should end it, for you and for him. Give him a chance to find a woman who can commit to only him and give you a chance to really see who you are meant to be and who you are meant to be with."


I love her advice and it makes perfect sense. If our marriage can no longer function because we have impossible to settle differences about what to do about my sexuality... should I do the "right thing" and get out of my marriage? We also have three kids to think about. Is it the "right thing" for them, too? (I don't want to break up the family- but I also don't want my daughter to ever think it's what a wife does to roll over and be someone she's not just because her man says she has to or for my sons to see that husbands are supposed to control their wives) I'm also scared to death to end it because the fall out from our families will be ferocious... they don't know anything about either of us being bi- so that will come out, PLUS the divorce. It's going to be scandalous and many may never speak to either of us again.


I'm really not in a good place with this. I find that I am incredibly distant from him this week... constantly forcing back tears. And, while he's being really sweet and trying to show empathy for my "loss"... it's almost like he punched me in the face and then wants to hold ice on it for me. I cannot live like this... But, how do you tell your mentally unstable husband of 15 years who is definitely in love with you that you are experiencing a deal breaker in the relationship and want out?


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