Dreamcatcher

Married, Over 40, Won't Be Telling Husband?

23 posts in this topic

I'm sorry if this has already been done in past here, but I'd be fascinated to know how many of you are as the title suggests, over 40, Married, and have no intention of telling husband of your attraction to women either now or in the future. Personally I would love to somehow find a true female friend and soul mate, but dating sites just don't appeal to me and I don't socialise so this journey may well remain a wish rather than reality. I maybe wrong in thinking it'd be easier to live out the fantasy if a lot younger, I wonder if in fact there's a lot of you also my age and in similar circumstances?

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I don't qualify fully here as I'm divorced but, I was married for 17 years. I had a brief fling with a woman. Something that just happened. I hadn't been attracted to women really before except the odd curiosity. Or fantasy. Suddenly that very brief experience shocked me as I'd always prided myself on control of my emotions and practised self control with most things in my life. It had to end as I was married and just starting a family. I was 31. It changed my outlook on many things. It taught me to not judge others. It taught me what real love was but it has tormented me ever since because I now know what I want from life and how I want to spend the rest if it. But like you, at 53 time is running out fast. Getting to your point, I never told my hubby and never will. If I was still married, I'd have the decision that many here have. To me, if I fell in love with a woman I'd have 2 choices. To leave him or suck it up and don't act on it. I think these things are very individual. Based on the particular circumstances. My ex would have shot me and the other woman. I don't doubt that. So my death wasn't an option. If he was more understanding, then I would have told him. He was/is very homophobic and no tolerance for people who are gay or bi. The lesson was for me tho, not him. I learnt so much from that brief encounter. I am a better person today than before. The experience was given to me for a reason. I still don't know what that reason is tho. Other than to make a better human being out of me. I don't think I'll ever find another. I've been on my own now for 5 years. I crave the love of a woman but my penance is to never find her.

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I speak from experience when I say that finding out you are attracted to women regardless of your age is a huge thing especially if you are married. You can take the route of not telling your partner and whilst you may not have a particular person that you feel strongly about, it might not matter or be important to you but in my case as soon as I became attracted to another woman I felt it only fair to tell him.

I first became attracted to someone at the grand age of 48 , it became something that I felt I needed to experience for my own sanity, although insanity might be a better word for it ( ! ) Married for 16 years with four children between us it was an incredibly difficult decision to act on my feelings. It was an incredibly difficult decision for him and one that took a few years of talking , for us to remain married because despite our incompatibility sexually we actually do feel a great deal of love and respect for each other.

Now I'm not saying that is true for everyone, and in many cases falling in love with someone else has meant the end of a marriage and the family unit, every case is different.

My husband was devastated but has slowly realised that it's not the end of the world. I'm not promiscuous but I have had several female relationships, non of which have changed my decision to leave him or our family. I remain respectful both of him and the women I was in a relationship with. Honesty has always been the best way for me but I do understand it doesn't work for everyone.

I suppose what I wanted to say to you both, is don't let the fact that you are mature women stand in the way of discovering yourselves, don't give up, you both have a lot to offer the right person, you just haven't met her yet, and you will meet her, possibly in the most unlikely situation when you aren't even looking. Life is for living, it doesn't finish when you reach 40/50/60 .

I don't normally reply to many posts but I felt that it's important to let you know, age is not a barrier.

 

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Thank you Shy. It is encouraging. Maybe a nursing home is where I'll find her. I'm not far off it sometimes. But yes, all jokes aside, I try to stay positive. I wished my husband was understanding so I could have explored it further. I envy the ladies that do have such a man. Thank you again for your kind words and support. :)

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You are really the best person to make this choice. You can hear all the experiences in the world of women in our shoes, but they won't necessarily help you. My philosophy is to make your decisions with careful consideration of you and those you love. Every situation is different, every situation has its own variables. Here is the thing though, you only have this one life. You have to be true to you. Everyone has the right to be all of who they are, and not everyone has the same circumstances. Be true to you, love who you love with all you have and the best way you know how. There are consequences to every decision. My husband knows of my attractions and I have never done anything without his knowledge. He is who he is and I am who I am though. Love is love, you know yourself, you know your partner, and what's best for you as a couple better than anyone else. Life can't be played out by a book of rules or boundaries, it's just life...live it to its fullest and follow your heart. There are always consequences, to any action whether your partner knows are not. You will only grow from experiences, growth fills you up....that's goodness...blessings :)

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I need to take time to re-read and think about the incredibly wise and insightful posts you've each made, but I just have to say that I never imagined when I joined this site how much support and wisdom there would be here.

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All I can say is, you have to take into consideration your own circumstances, and make a decision based on that. It's easy to assume, with age comes knowledge and wisdom, but as I have discovered, this is a very 'unique' situation to be in, in the scheme of things. We can all take the pragmatic approach, but somewhere down the line, emotions come into play.

Once this jeanie has been let out of its bottle, it's extremely hard to contain it. That said, I wouldn't change what I have done, the only way that could ever have happend, is if the mindset of those involved, were different.

The only person who can answer your question, is you, and hopefully, some of the life experiences on here, can help you.

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I am in the same situation. I don't see how I could ever tell my husband. He wouldn't understand and he would be devastated. Once you say it, you can never take it back. He knows things aren't perfect between us but sometimes he does try and I know he is thinking things will get better some day. If I tell him, he'll lose hope of things getting better and I just can't do that right now.

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Count me in. We've obviously given the matter considerable thought and decided it's kinder to everyone involved to not make them live in our closest.

 

If you look closely you'll see people disappear from Shybi soon after they've been convinced that telling their husbands is the right thing to do, because their marriages can't handle it so they try to dismiss the whole topic of being bi.

 

 

 

 

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Similar situation with me too .. I'm just over 40, have been with my husband for 15yrs. He knows that I have been attracted to women and at one point was willing to let me live out my fantasy but then changed his mind :( I haven't spoken about it to him since and that was over 10yrs ago.

I still really want to do it and if I were ever in that scenario I wouldn't say no, I also wouldn't tell my husband

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This is interesting. I haven't decided yet, but am fairly certain I will have to, for my own sanity rather than any intention of acting on it. I'm not sure I ever will have a relationship with a woman. But that part of myself is there, it is getting stronger as I am getting older and I cannot pretend to myself any more that it is not something that is part of me. This is who I am, and that's great, but it's different to what I thought I was and what my husband thinks I am.

 

So as I am gradually accepting that part of myself, I find myself changing and reacting to women like me in a different and more obvious way. It isn't something I can easily hide any more, even if I wanted to.

 

Oh, I also feel guilty for not being "out" to the world, because the Bi community could do with a few more of us out and proud and I feel like I should be doing my bit, but that is a whole other thread!! Baby steps and all of that...

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If you look closely you'll see people disappear from Shybi soon after they've been convinced that telling their husbands is the right thing to do, because their marriages can't handle it so they try to dismiss the whole topic of being bi.

 

That's a pity if that's the case. I hope I don't add to that statistic. Personally, this is too strong a part of me for me to dismiss it, so I feel it's inevitable that it will have to come out in the open. I know what you mean about it being kinder to just keep oneself in the closet rather than bring other people in. And I am worried about any possible bad effect on my children. But I want to be open and honest to them too, when the time comes. I have a teenage daughter and I don't want her to think at any stage that I am ashamed of who I am, but that anything I have kept quiet about was because I was coming to terms with this myself and working out how best to deal with it.

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It is hard to believe I have been on Shy's for 3 years and living this secret life. Its kids or something else makes it never the right time to give my true feelings. This is my escape and will live with it for now. Many friends have come and gone in that time. I am so happy for them they can live their true life.

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That's a pity if that's the case. I hope I don't add to that statistic. Personally, this is too strong a part of me for me to dismiss it, so I feel it's inevitable that it will have to come out in the open. I know what you mean about it being kinder to just keep oneself in the closet rather than bring other people in. And I am worried about any possible bad effect on my children. But I want to be open and honest to them too, when the time comes. I have a teenage daughter and I don't want her to think at any stage that I am ashamed of who I am, but that anything I have kept quiet about was because I was coming to terms with this myself and working out how best to deal with it.

 

Vivian, I totally understand wanting to get to be authentic and honest and stand up and be counted and set a brave proud example for your kids.

 

Like you, this is not going away for me.

 

It's such a struggle to know what's selfish vs what's correct.

 

I ask myself "if I was to suddenly die in a car crash, and he was to find out I'm bi (which I believe he would) would he feel I did the right thing to protect the family from this information?" In my case I 100% believe he would.

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That is a really sad thought to have 63395. It must be hard to be at peace with that. :(

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If you look closely you'll see people disappear from Shybi soon after they've been convinced that telling their husbands is the right thing to do, because their marriages can't handle it so they try to dismiss the whole topic of being bi.

 

Well it's been up and down since I was convinced to tell mine but I'm glad I did and I'm glad I'm still here.

 

While we're on the subject of disappearing, I notice that poptart who started this thread has been banned. Wonder what happened there?

 

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Well it's been up and down since I was convinced to tell mine but I'm glad I did and I'm glad I'm still here.

 

While we're on the subject of disappearing, I notice that poptart who started this thread has been banned. Wonder what happened there?

 

Didn't know Poptart had been banned, But it was Dreamcatcher who started this thread

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I stand corrected. As you were.

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While we're on the subject of disappearing, I notice that poptart who started this thread has been banned. Wonder what happened there?

 

Poptart started a similar thread, then posted that she did tell her husband and they were struggling to deal with it all.

 

I've heard of husbands logging onto the woman's account and posting angry stuff in chat. I wonder if something like that happened?

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Sometimes I wish I hadn't told my husband. He didn't freak out or anything. Actually he has been rather accepting. At first I told him because I was afraid that he would eventually notice how I look at women at times. But then later I realized that behind telling him I was hoping that he would be more interested in delving into knowing me as a woman, not his wife but as a woman with desires, interests and fantasies separate from his own. But after realizing I had no interest in living out his frat boy fantasy of a threesome, me being bi has rarely ever been mentioned. Opening up about the nature of my sexuality felt a bit like opening a pressure valve but now with him being aware that I'm also attracted to women I always feel a bit uncomfortable spending too much time with my female friends for fear that he might get suspicious. But I also have come to feel that my sexuality is simply that, mine and how I feel about women is better suited expressed with a woman. I don't think as women we should feel obligated to share every detail about ourselves with the men in our lives if we don't feel inclined to. Each woman has to decide for herself what she is most comfortable with and what she willing to live with.

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Rendi I find your words so encouraging and helpful and I am sure they will help others too. Thank you !

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But I also have come to feel that my sexuality is simply that, mine and how I feel about women is better suited expressed with a woman. I don't think as women we should feel obligated to share every detail about ourselves with the men in our lives if we don't feel inclined to. Each woman has to decide for herself what she is most comfortable with and what she willing to live with.

 

Thanks for expressing that so eloquently, Rendi. Different marriages work differently, and not everyone can expect understanding, support tolerance or consent from their husband. This doesn't make him a bad guy.

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Thanks for expressing that so eloquently, Rendi. Different marriages work differently, and not everyone can expect understanding, support tolerance or consent from their husband. This doesn't make him a bad guy.

My husband is indeed a wonderful guy. I just think he's not quite emotionally equipped to deal with the reality that I could be with a woman. Theoretically he's all accepting or as he put it "It's just a part of who you are and I love you regardless." But on a rare few occasions where a woman has approached me unaware that he and I were together, I've noticed how uncomfortable he gets afterwards. I think that some men feel that they have a monopoly on women; that we should only be available to them and interested in them. The reality that women can be interested in each other to the exclusion of men can be rather nerve wrecking for some men. It's a degree of "competition" that they can't wrap their minds around. With that said, there are potential consequences to revealing one's bisexuality to one's male partners. Many women are fortunate, some are not. You never know how a man will react and even those who are initially okay with it may change their minds later on. I don't advocate for keeping secrets but life has more complexities than our simplistic ideals can handle. We each have to find a way of living that is best for us...and sometimes that may mean just keeping things to ourselves so long as it doesn't bring guilt or shame.

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