Aphrodite21

What Do You Want From A Woman - Sex Or More?

105 posts in this topic

I am curious to know what the women in this forum want from a woman in terms of their bi relationships. Are you looking for casual sexual encounters, an emotional connection too, or a full-blown love affair?

 

There are quite a few posts where people seem to think that they can control the emotional side of things once they begin to have a sexual relationship with a woman, and I'm sure many of us know that this isn't the case.

 

Sex with a woman can be an extremely intense and powerful experience (and downright explosive!), very different from sex with a man (even one you are genuinely in love with), so it isn't to be underestimated.

 

For those of you who are in more than one relationship and/or who are in a relationship with a woman who is involved with someone else, how do you handle jealousy and other emotional complications?

 

I personally find navigating the emotional landscape of two relationships at once very difficult, and have sometimes felt consumed with jealousy about my lover being with her boyfriend/husband, even though I am with someone else too (I know, it's totally hypocritical, but it's very difficult to control this sort of thing...).

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Oh hello! You've articulated my situation very well!

 

Honestly I think my husband is ok with the relationship I've had with her. Key thing is honesty.

Edited by Shymaybebi
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A tricky question and we are all different. For me, it's about the emotional connection. Sex does come into it but your right it's extremely hard to control. I haven't been involved with a married woman for this reason. I don't think i could handle it. I'm single now and on my own possibly forever. I can get a bit jealous so i just don't go there. Of course every situation is different. I'd never say never tho, but i avoid these situations if i can.

I want a soulmate. Someone who will make me the main partner. Someone who will love me as i am and i can return that love. Someone i can share my life with and be complete. Yes I'm dreaming but it's a nice dream none the less. I'll most likely be one of those old ladies with 15 cats. Lol. :(

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I struggle with this. I get asked a lot, "What are you looking for?"

 

Being that I'm still technically married, I dunno what I'm looking for.

 

When I find a woman I like, it's a very emotionally intense experience. To add sex to that? Gosh, I have no idea what that would look like.

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The term "bi relationships" always cracks me up, because really, by definition it would mean both men and women. But I think we all know it means same-sex.

 

I am personally looking for a monogamous relationship with a woman, full-on relationship when it's right. While I was married, I wanted to be able to have two equally meaningful relationships (probably a pipe dream). My last relationship, with a woman, was somewhat open. I was okay with her casually dating men, but it didn't take her long to violate that and go too far with it. She had made promises about other relationships that she couldn't keep, and it broke us up (or at least was the final factor). Her dream was two equally meaningful relationships, but that didn't work for me. It's hard to build a life with someone when you're their girlfriend 3.5 days a week, ya know? Worse when they're hiding you because same-sex is less convenient than opposite-sex, and she's willing to introduce the new guy to people after 2 weeks that she hasn't been willing to after a year with you. But that's my baggage. LOL

 

I used to get jealous over my ex-husband's time with our GF, even though I don't think nearly as much happened between them as happened between her and me. I know she got jealous of his and my time together, and he was insanely jealous of her and my time together. Jealousy crops up, and how you handle it is very important. Have you ever read The Ethical Slut or Opening Up? There's also a good website called MoreThanTwo.com that has some good stuff about that.

 

You're absolutely right about how intense girl-girl sex is. I think for most of us, it's very hard to separate the emotion from sex with a woman.

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Yeah, that pesky jealousy can pop up when you least expect it. I am married and like to have sex with women separate from my relationship with my husband. Sometimes those women are single, sometimes they have male partners. Either way I find when my thoughts get on the obsessive side of the attraction spectrum jealousy crops up much easier.

 

I've found it's relatively easy to deal with it if you face it head on. Acknowledge it for what it is - insecurity, and then learn how best to reassure yourself and put the situation in perspective.

 

But yeah, I'm really mostly into women for the sex. My emotional needs are met very well by my husband, friends and family. But I love having a woman to have fun with, and I prefer when she has a man as her main relationship as well.

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Honestly.. I don't want to share! While in a relationship with a man I didn't want to pursue anything with any woman, even when they were hand delivered to my door. I want to meet someone else who is single, enjoy some flirting and mutual attraction, have some similar interests and priorities, go out and have fun together and build a relationship and life together.. including lots and lots of ... laughter... and hot sex! lol

It's a nice dream!

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Honestly.. I don't want to share! While in a relationship with a man I didn't want to pursue anything with any woman, even when they were hand delivered to my door. I want to meet someone else who is single, enjoy some flirting and mutual attraction, have some similar interests and priorities, go out and have fun together and build a relationship and life together.. including lots and lots of ... laughter... and hot sex! lol

It's a nice dream!

 

Amen !!

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For me the emotional connection would be a deep friendship. I am 100% emotionally invested in my husband as my partner and soul mate and I don't think any other relationship could reach/exceed that.

My sexual experiences with women have all been casual sex encounters and, although sexually satisfying, not quite enough. So I think my perfect situation would be a BFF + sex.

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I would want the deep connection first and foremost. And not just from any woman, but from someone I already have the spark with. Sex or anything more than emotional connection would be very much secondary and I would be fine without it.

I don't know if this makes me greedy, because I already have most of those things with my husband, I would just want it with a woman in addition to that.

As far as I have figured myself out (which may not be completely) I have no interest in casual sex.

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This is my first post! But I am married to a man and exploring my bisexual side. Right now I'm developing a flirty, sexual, emotional but not dependent relationship with a fantastic girl that is also married. So far so good!

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Hi all, thanks for replies. I am new to this site, and only wish I had found it sooner! It's great to connect with you all, so thanks again for your candour, and for joining this thread.

@BiTriMama - 'The term "bi relationships" always cracks me up, because really, by definition it would mean both men and women. But I think we all know it means same-sex.'

Yes, I agree. I was using that term relative to women who are in relationships with men, but as I have read more posts, I can see that lots of people aren’t. Also, I mentioned that I ‘have sometimes felt consumed with jealousy about my lover being with her boyfriend/husband’, and should add ‘girlfriend/partner’ to that list, as it includes women who have had female partners. Actually, the latter is sometimes the worst!

I consider myself to be ‘bisexual’ but generally prefer women (sexually/emotionally), so am on the lesbian end of that spectrum, if that makes sense. I have had some lengthy, serious relationships with men (although I always had female lovers at the same time), which always ended (my call) when they wanted to get serious (i.e. move in with me or get engaged/married). I did find that the men I was with liked the fact that I was bisexual (i.e. it was an alluring turn-on), and they all asked me to have threesomes with them, but I always declined (much to their frustration!). Some of my bisexual female lovers also asked me to do that (i.e. be with them and a male third), but I wasn’t up for that either (although I had such encounters with women only).

I have never been in love with a man to the extent that I have been with women, and after a certain point, I realized that it didn’t really make any sense to carry on having romantic relationships with men (although I did carry on having sexual encounters with them for awhile, if I was in the mood), as that wasn’t what I really wanted, so eventually I chose to be with women only.

With respect to my relationships with women, I have had both lesbian and bisexual lovers and long-term partners, and have found that generally the former are not comfortable with my sexuality and have expressed negative views of bisexual women that have been quite hurtful (I’m sure that some of you have encountered this). I have always been honest about my disposition - it’s just the way I am, and I couldn’t change that, even if I wanted to - and it isn’t usually a problem in the beginning of a relationship but can become an issue later if, for any reason, insecurities arise. Then it is sometimes used as a put-down or other type of weapon.

As some recent academic studies have demonstrated, female sexuality can be very ‘fluid’ throughout life, and so someone like me, who prefers one gender over the other, and therefore is considered by family and friends to be a ‘lesbian’, can still be ‘bisexual’. I embrace the view that that sexuality exists on a sliding scale, and is a matter of degree, but that does scare some people (men, as well as women), because it defies expectations and means that one may be unpredictable. I have experienced many situations in which people have told me what they think I am, because of how l look (‘feminine’, whatever that means) or act, and how I should be, and I have found that totally infuriating, and very disappointing. I guess that a matter of classification = control.

Also, I have tried to be monogamous, but have found that, for various reasons, it doesn’t really work for me, although I admit that I do want to be in a loving, long-term (or permanent) relationship, and have been in one for quite some time. That said, I should point out that I am not a philanderer (if that term can be applied to a female), and take sexual/romantic relationships very seriously, and therefore am very careful how I treat other people. I think that sex for it's own sake is fine, as long as the participants fully consent, but in my experience, good sex with either gender (but especially with women) leads to feelings/emotions, so things can get more complicated than anticipated. (I recently read somewhere that orgasms are bonding, and that sex between women leads to the highest rate of orgasms, so I guess we can all do the math...)

I have been in a series of monogamous relationships (I believe it’s called ‘serial monogamy’!), and have never engaged in cheating, as I have been on the receiving end of that, and it’s awful. If I agree to be in a monogamous relationship, then I stick to that, but if attracted to someone else in a serious way, I am always honest with my partner (and the other person), and however difficult that may be, must then accept the consequences (i.e. that acting on it may change or end the relationship). Based on experience, I know that having more than one relationship at a time can be perilous, and result in the aforementioned jealousy, so I don’t take this lightly. I guess I am what is now called ‘polyamorous’... (I dislike this term, but I guess it fits.)

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I forgot to say thanks for the book recommendations!

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Interesting question. Do you know what, I don't know. My life has changed so much in the last five years that I would now be looking at a relationship with a woman from a completely different perspective than before. I was married and highly committed to my primary partner. She knew that from the start. Still it was a problem. Still she wanted more. More time, more sex, more involvement in my married life and I didn't want that neither did hubby. Looking at it like that it looks like I only wanted her for sex. That wasn't true. She was a highly intelligent and interesting person and I loved her company but for me hubby and kids came first particularly as I had a special needs son to care for. In the end she took off and I guess she learnt from the experience as did I as I never, apart from a one night stand, repeated it.

 

Single now I think communication is the key. I would shy away from a woman who was involved with anyone else male or female. I would want to know what they wanted from me if they were involved with anyone else. I would be very cautious and wary and want to do a lot of talking before embarking on the sex bit being as I now am totally terrified of betrayal. I might even not bother after much talking but I would be glad that she and I had got it out in the open and were honest about our feelings. To me that is being an informed grown up. Just cos we feel something does not mean we have to act on it but admitting you are feeling it gets rid of all the uncertainty and tension.

 

I guess we don't know what we want until we meet that person. Sometimes I think it is all just too complicated. I enjoy being single these days and free from all the stress relationships can bring but that is not to say never. More like you never know. :-)

 

 

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@myladylove - It sounds like you have had a complete turnaround from when you were married and seeing a woman at the same time. It isn't really clear why you have had such a reversal. Feel free to explain further.

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@myladylove - It sounds like you have had a complete turnaround from when you were married and seeing a woman at the same time. It isn't really clear why you have had such a reversal. Feel free to explain further.

 

Long story.

 

 

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Well, please don't let whatever it was that happened put you off women forever. As you have said, you never know, and things tend to go better if you are open to the possibility (it sounds like you are).

 

I wish you well.

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I would definitely be looking (though not searching but encounters do happen and this is beyond our control) for emotional closeness if not love.

That said, I wonder if sex without emotions is possible with a woman. I find both so connected as opposed to with a man.

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I wonder as I learn more about myself if this will change as this is very new to me. I didn't even consider, emotional attachment. I was fantasizing about the encounter in a way that would have no lasting repercussions. Including emotional. I'm learnig here ever day.!! I'm learning I am nieve. I've never had a casual relationship nor one night stand only 2 male relationships (1st 4 years, 8th grade though high-school and now my husband of 20 years) it's shocking to me,I compartmentalized my feelings in such a way, and accepted, despite my nature. In other words I'm happy to be here a reflecting as I'm learning and will keep an open mind and guarded heart.

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I coulnt agree more! we neem emotional security from the person were giving our affections to

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For me the emotional connection would be a deep friendship. I am 100% emotionally invested in my husband as my partner and soul mate and I don't think any other relationship could reach/exceed that.

My sexual experiences with women have all been casual sex encounters and, although sexually satisfying, not quite enough. So I think my perfect situation would be a BFF + sex.

 

This thread is so interesting to me because being new to the site and I can see there's a huge diversity in what women here need. I love that! For me, SusieBi described it perfectly. My husband and I don't have the perfect relationship (who does?) but I'm committed to my marriage and raising our kids in one home. The best female sexual experience was with a friend that I/we could also hang out with non sexually. We've joked several times about hiring a live in nanny....my oh my.. ;)

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I have to disagree on the contrary. :-)

To me it is not "or" emotional involvement with hubby "or" emotional involvement with a woman.

I feel v close and emotionally very involved with my husband, but I also know from experience that the closeness and emotional involvement with a woman is totally different. So to me they are not in competition.

 

Now, is it possible to navigate a life with both, is another question (to me).

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I have to disagree on the contrary. :-)

To me it is not "or" emotional involvement with hubby "or" emotional involvement with a woman.

I feel v close and emotionally very involved with my husband, but I also know from experience that the closeness and emotional involvement with a woman is totally different. So to me they are not in competition.

 

Now, is it possible to navigate a life with both, is another question (to me).

 

That's a good question. . . . I agree the emotional connection can be different. However, I chatted with a woman for a while who was married but it became very clear to me that she wanted to have a love affair (emphasis on love) which I found very disconcerting. I do not want to be in a situation where I would potentially have to make a choice nor would I want to feel like I was being unfaithful to my husband on an emotional level.

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I would definitely be looking (though not searching but encounters do happen and this is beyond our control) for emotional closeness if not love.

That said, I wonder if sex without emotions is possible with a woman. I find both so connected as opposed to with a man.

 

I had a one night stand with a woman once but I felt protective and almost motherly towards her cooking her a meal and making sure she got home, or back to the train station safely, but I had no desire to see her again. She just could not hold a candle to my previous long term girlfriend, this despite her beautiful breasts....

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