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Four years ago I told her I had feelings for her, her response was that she didn't know what to say. We got together a couple of months after and ,although 2 or 3 times she looked at me deeply in the eyes and looked at my lips in a way that made me feel she wanted to kiss me, I'm sure that day she decided she would not get into an affair with me, mostly because I'm married.

 

I tried no contact, but she would still text me on special occasions, like bdays or Holidays. Every time she texted I tried to be friendly, but her responses would be almost monosyllabic. She got a new boyfriend just a few months after I confessed my feelings and tired of her posts on Facebook, but not wanting to be too radical and unfriend her, I deactivated my account for almost two years.

During that time she texted on Christmas and somehow found me on Instagram before they started making follow suggestions and followed me.

 

Then, I found out in September that she got married. That was exactly what I was waiting for, so I could feel free to block her on Instagram and reactivate my Facebook and unfriend her. I did it and everything was fine. I thought she would get the message and leave me be, but I was wrong.

 

She texted on Christmas. Just a simple Merry Christmas (my name), but the point is she texted early in the morning on Christmas day. I replied with a simple Hi ___! Merry Christmas to you too! and have tried not to make a big deal out of it because it probably doesn't mean anything, but I was fine and she's invading my thoughts again and it's driving me nuts! I have someone else, yet I've been thinking about texting her on New Years, that's how much she messes with my head, but she doesn't know it.

 

All I can think right now is that she just got married and has never been able to completely let me go, messing with my heart and my head in the process.

 

I guess I just needed to vent and I'd appreciate your opinions and encouragement so I don't give in and text her.

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Follow up at new years, with another text. Then a few days later with another how you doing?

 

 

See if shed like to meet up. Maybe get husbands together too, just to rebuilt friendship

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I'm probably a bit different here. I'd tend to wait and see if she texts for New Year. I'd be a little hurt tho that she didn't text you that she had got married or was going to get married. That's huge step in her life and not to say so would be hurtful for me. But I guess I'm a bit sensitive in some of those things. I'd tend to move on as you do have someone else and it's hurtful for them unless they were on board with it all. I don't like mind games tho. I get the feeling if she wanted to try anything with you she would have by now, especially before she got married. Honesty is very important in any relationship I think whether it be a relationship or just a friendship. But see how it goes. But I'd wait for her text first. Go with your gut maybe, see how you feel later about it. Good Luck. :)

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I am probably with Vampire a bit on this. Protect yourself. There may be a reason for her to be randomly contacting you, reaching out minimally, yet having a big impact. Maybe she knows or maybe she does not. She could just be friendly, liking to keep contact with people from her past. Or she may down deep have feelings for you, yet chose to be married. You didn't state if it was to a man or woman, but I am assuming she married the boyfriend you spoke of? She may be doing what many of us did and suppress her true feelings for SSA, for you. However, all of these are her issues. Do not let her issues infiltrate you.

 

If you are with someone, put your efforts to that person. This woman from the past may always have a special place in your heart, as perhaps she was influential in your development. But keep it there, acknowledge it as part of your past, live in the present and look forward to the future.

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if u never told her of ur feelings for her then I would say she is being a friend and not wanting to lose contact with you. However after you have distanced urself from her, blocking her on instagram, deactivating ur FB and she still searches u out - IMO she may have deeply hidden desires and wants to keep u hanging on just in case one day she decides to act on them.

That is not fair to u. You have left her alone to live with her choices (getting married) I think she needs to do the same for you. By sending u texts on occasions she keeps watering that seed in your mind - hope.

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Honestly if she messed you around and just got married, I'd leave it be. You were polite and kind enough to reply to her message.

 

But if she only reaches out on obvious occasions and not just on a whim cos she wants to hear from you/see how you are, you already have your answer. Even if you did message her again or more regularly at some point in the future, she'd always play it down and run circles around you.

 

She's in it for the attention and nothing more - she let you go to get married, she made her choice and you made yours by honoring that and getting over her, don't hurt yourself for the sake of false hope and a few fluttery heartbeats, you can do better and you know it.

Edited by Hungry
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I'm with Hungry on this one. It does seem like she just wants the attention. If she had any serious intentions, she would have acted differently. Maybe she has some deeply hidden desires, maybe not. Does it even matter? Especially if, in the end, you just get your hopes up for no reason.

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Thank you all for your advice. It's always been clear to me that if wanted to make things happen she would've done it a long time ago. As Vampire says, honesty is crucial and she's failed at that.

 

It upsets me that she feels it's okay to send me texts like that, especially when it's clear I want no contact. I've consider it's because she craves the attention, so I agree with you on that Hungry and Findtheway, and thanks for those words, exactly what I needed.

 

Lizzie, you are also right and now I feel stupid for even thinking about texting her.

 

The last time we met was the one I mentioned in my post. That day she said so many things about herself and thanks to all the things she said, I think I've been able to understand (but not condone) why she's acted the way she has. I remember her saying she doesn't like to be alone, so she's always been in relationships. She seems insecure and being with someone makes her feel better about herself. I, of course, wasn't available, so it's understandable. But, then again, she's never being honest with me or herself, and as Ocean Horizon says, those are her issues, not mine.

 

I won't text her, and I thank you all for reminding me of the reasons to stop myself from doing so.

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Mia1 my words were never to make u feel stupid I am sorry if that's how u took it. My comments were to make u see that she may be using u or leading u on in the hopes that one day she is ready to act on her hiden desires. That's just not cool in my eyes. There is never a reason to feel stupid for caring about someone whether or not they reciprocate your feelings. You deserve better :)

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Mia1, just wondering if you have any update. Has she txted you again.

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On 12/30/2016 at 8:51 PM, Lizzie1967 said:

Mia1 my words were never to make u feel stupid I am sorry if that's how u took it. My comments were to make u see that she may be using u or leading u on in the hopes that one day she is ready to act on her hiden desires. That's just not cool in my eyes. There is never a reason to feel stupid for caring about someone whether or not they reciprocate your feelings. You deserve better :)

 

On 2/20/2017 at 3:26 PM, brokengirl0407 said:

Mia1, just wondering if you have any update. Has she txted you again.

Wow I can’t believe it’s been so long!

First, I just want to say I’m sorry for not replying before , just know Lizzie that you did not make me feel stupid, I totally did that to myself. Your advice was amazing and greatly appreciated.

And regarding your question brokengirl, no, she never texted again, BUT surprised me a few hours ago by following me on Twitter. 

There’s a big difference this time. I don’t feel like this messes with my head like it did before, but it does actually upset me.

As I mentioned a couple of years ago, I blocked her on Instagram and unfriended her on Facebook as soon as I learned she got married. I know she took her husband’s last name and the first thing I noticed on Twitter was that she’s back to her maiden name. I even checked on Facebook. 

It’s been years and she’s still trying to get attention the same way she did before. I mean, if she wants to talk she could just text hi or something. Out of the blue following me on Twitter seems weird after I made it clear I was done with the mind games. It feels like she’s chasing me all over social media!

I don’t really know how to respond to this. Do I follow back? Do I ignore it? I don’t want to be rude and although I don’t feel so strongly about her anymore, she was very important to me. 

Thoughts?

 

 

 

 

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I relate a lot to your story as i’ve had 2 somewhat similar situations. I’ve had one where I told the girl I liked her (both single, both late 20s, never had a significant relationship with a dude or a lady), inseparable best friends living continents apart but speaking for hours daily and spending multiple vacations a year together. 

She freaked out. Didn’t know how to handle it. I was hurt and pulled away and didn’t want to have anything to do with her. Some attempts at communication from her a couple of times a year also at holidays . Some 2 or 3 years later she reaches out to apologize about how it all went down. But again cuts me off when I try to say something from my side. We go for years with taking turns writing curt 1-2 sentence emails at holidays and birthdays. About 9 years in I escalate it and start writing longer emails about our mutual interest but never touching on feelings or us or personal life. She reciprocates, we exchange these once every couple of months. This goes on for 2 years. Then she says she is planning a trip 2.5 hours away from where I live now. I don’t even know if she knows where I live now. And asks if I would want to meet. I say sure. Because by now my life is going really well, and my feelings for her are mostly faded and I already have a husband and a girlfriend. But she was once a good friend and we have a lot of common interests. So why not? She doesn’t respond for over a month. And then says, oh the trip is next week. I still say ok, I can make it on this and this day. Still no response until after the days I indicated had passed and she writes back says she was sick and is leaving tomorrow and can’t meet. She fucked with me. I never write back. No Christmas note from anyone. It’s been 6 months.

all that to say that it’s hard! We are all only human. Learning how to deal with our emotions. I feel bad for her. It’s been 12+years now. She still apparently can’t deal with her emotions.  But that’s for her to deal with and her path to take. I have my life and I feel like I have grown so much since the original incident with her happened. It sucked that she tried to reach out but couldn’t. But it didn’t bother me nearly as much as it would have 12 years ago.

my other story happened about 3 years ago. This time both married. Definitive flirty signals. This time I confessed my feelings and she couldn’t handle it. It’s been 2.5 years, and 0 contact. We live in the same city.

all of this to say that

1. Obviously your friend has her own struggles. Whether they are because she just wants attention or she has genuine feelings for you that she doesn’t know what to do with. Or she misses you as a friend or whatever. I have felt all of those. And you will probably never know exactly which one of those it is.

2. She probably doesn’t realize how disturbing and disruptive it is for you when she contacts you. Instead of passive agressive (and I am not judging here, I have done plenty of that myself) unfriending how about you just outright tell her not to contact you ever again. Then she can’t claim not to know what you want.

3. I don’t think you should care if you are rude or not. Do what feels right to you. If you want some vague contact with her through Instagram, follow back, if you don’t, don’t. But if you want her completely out of your life, the best would be to just be direct and tell her that.

good luck. These weird love-hate relationships are so interesting to me. I wonder what’s going to happen with either of these friends of mine....

 

 

 

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Nothing worse than hot/cold, mind f*ck behavior.... it’s not a good look...Feed yourself with people who are genuine and in touch with their own needs - you will be happier not wasting another second on the guessing game... 

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I think if she had grown over the last couple of years she would be reaching out to you in a more personal way rather than back door on social media.   I agree with TBD78 feed urself with people who are genuine and ones who don’t play games.   In my opinion it seems like she is still playing games, look how fast she has gotten back in ur head, don’t give her that power. And ur not being rude, ur just reinforcing the silent message u sent her two years ago when u close ur social media accounts and then blocked her.  You moved on then, keep moving in a forward direction.   

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Posted (edited)

 

And this is why I come here for advice. You are all right. I don’t think it is that she got into my head again, I guess I’ Just too nice and didn’t want to be rude.

I’ve been refraining from liking or tweeting anything today because I didn’t know what to do, but now I do. I’ll just keep being my normal self and ignore she’s even there. 

Thank you all for your great advice!

 

 

 

 

Edited by mia1
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I apologize in advance.  I don't know the full backstory.  I stumbled across various support forums (personal reasons why) and your story sounds like the ones I've come across on Limerence.  Net forums.

Perhaps your friend is limerent for you?  Meaning, she's compelled to reach out to give her a hit?  Just a thought.

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20 hours ago, these-broken-wings(TBW) said:

I apologize in advance.  I don't know the full backstory.  I stumbled across various support forums (personal reasons why) and your story sounds like the ones I've come across on Limerence.  Net forums.

Perhaps your friend is limerent for you?  Meaning, she's compelled to reach out to give her a hit?  Just a thought.

Pardon my ignorance, but I’m  not familiar with that concept. I just googled it and read a couple of things about it.

By saying that she’s probably limerent for me, do you mean that I could be obsessed with her or vice versa?

Either way, I can tell you that I’m not obsessed with her. I haven’t thought about her in a long time until I saw her name on my Twitter. I also don’t think it applies to her. After all, I’m the one who confessed my feelings for her and she decided not to get into an affair with me. 

Maybe I’m not really understanding what you mean?

 

 

 

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Check out limerence forums, you may find some stories like yours? I don't know if she is obsessed with you or not.  What I do know, from reading various accounts that being obsessed has nothing to do with the way Hollywood portrays it.

An obsession limerence style can be about a secret attraction which has no rhyme or rhythm, which does not have to be acted upon, and isn't always explicit (sits in the deep dark recesses of the mind). So in terms of your friend, one can never truly tell I guess.  Not unless, or until, she discloses.

But.  I'm only suggesting it since its your friend who keeps popping up (by sending short messages)... unless I've got the wrong end of the stick?  In all honesty, I cant say if she is or isn't.  Just making a random guess which may or may not help.  

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21 hours ago, these-broken-wings(TBW) said:

Check out limerence forums, you may find some stories like yours? I don't know if she is obsessed with you or not.  What I do know, from reading various accounts that being obsessed has nothing to do with the way Hollywood portrays it.

An obsession limerence style can be about a secret attraction which has no rhyme or rhythm, which does not have to be acted upon, and isn't always explicit (sits in the deep dark recesses of the mind). So in terms of your friend, one can never truly tell I guess.  Not unless, or until, she discloses.

But.  I'm only suggesting it since its your friend who keeps popping up (by sending short messages)... unless I've got the wrong end of the stick?  In all honesty, I cant say if she is or isn't.  Just making a random guess which may or may not help.  

Thank you for explaining that to me and I think it might actually be the case. I just simply don’t have any other explanation for that behaviour.

I’ve been active on Twitter, but it feels weird, like I’m being watched. I don’t feel about her the way I did before, but I loved her very much and I think I always will in a way.

Thank you again for taking the time to explain limerence to me TBW. It’s  helped me understand what’s happening with her  a bit better. 

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