Another Sphere Update And Some Questions.

7 posts in this topic

Hi everyone, it's been a while, but I'm back and posting again.


So I started this post as one question, but yet again it has turned in to another Sphere brain dump with some questions sprinkled about the place!


I'll probably blog about the past year or so when I have the time in a bit more detail.


So to summarise I'm currently having some CBT therapy for mild depression.

The thing that really bugged me and that has come up a lot when working with the talking therapies supporter, is that I have a real bee in my bonnet about bi/pan phobia and don't like that people

just assume I am strate, greedy, or can't decide.


I know that there will always be people out there who think these things no matter what

(sad but true) and it is not bothering me as much.


I do want to know, has anyone else ever felt like this. I'm guessing the answer is yes.


I feel that it's more of an issue for me personally when I am in a relationship with a man,

and that for some reason this seems to invalidate my sexual identity in the eyes of the world

in general.


I know that's perhaps a strange thought process, but hey, putting it out there.


I am working on getting less wound up about this, and it's not something that's always been a huge factor.


I think it probably started becoming an issue when my friends wife

(who identifies as lesbian and is a real bi phobe) started making little comments that sounded like jokes, but were actually really painful to me.


She does this all the time. I have posted about that in other threads, so won't go in to the



That, coupled with the fact that I wanted to have an experience with a woman other than just

kissing and looking at boobs, seemed to bring it to the forefront.


I really don't like how everyone wants to put people in boxes, even if that person has said

"I don't feel I am in this box, please don't put me there".


For example, when I got back with my Ex partner, who is male, after we broke up and I had a short

but very intense relationship with a woman, I felt worried about posting on this forum,

for no obvious reason.


I guess I was/am a bit worried about being judged and/or my past experience/experiences being

invalidated by others.


All that I have posted/written about in the past is still true.


I was unhappy in a relationship. At the time I felt that it was because I really needed to have an experience with a woman and that we were not compatible.


That was part of it and I don't regret it. I'm glad I got to have that amazing 14 week

relationship and I hope/think she feels the same way.


Also it was good in a way to know that I could/would change things if I was unhappy. I really feel that this was something I needed to do at this time in my life.


I am no less attracted to women than I was, but it's not eating me up and I know they are just as

human and perfect/imperfect as men.


Again I always new this rationally, but needed to have this particular set of experiences

to get to where I am now.


I think the UK media witch hunts related to child/teen abuse also didn't help.

It felt like everywhere I looked in the media (TV, online etc) there was a man who was a real


I think this created a bit of a view in my head that all men (including my current partner) only want women for sex and to use them like slabs of meat.

True they are wired up a bit differently then most women I guess, but that does not mean they all

think like that.


I was worried that by posting here again, others would think I just used my Ex GF as some sort of

blatent experiment to test my identity.


I can say I did not however. Every relationship is an experiment to a greater or lesser degree.


I don't like to play the what if game, but if we had both not been going through mental health

problems, and she hadn't displayed some unsettling behaviour towards me (probably related to the

mental health issues)

, then we may still be together, who knows.


I'm currently not attending my local Bi group, as at the time we split her main source of

socialisation and support was that and another LGBT group, so I want her to feel comfortable there.


Just wondering if anyone has ever gone on a similar journey, particularly if you have ever had

someone (yourself included) try to invalidate your identity or

orientation, because you happen to be with someone who is a male.


Thoughts, rants etc all appreciated.





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Yes. I think a lot of us on the site have fallen somewhere on the spectrum of bi.. and that sort of moves around on that bar as we see fit. The website is SHY BI.. not SHY.. lesbian or SHY ..hetero.

So no worries there. I know for myself for myself I feel as though I have " come out" a few times, as bi or lesbian. And my Ex (god bless her) is a wonderful member on this site and it was nice to know someone personally who had a similar experience of coming out " twice".

Suffice it to say. People judge all the time no, matter what.. So just try so hard, like you said to not get wound up. Its their fear.. hopefully not yours. And they do have a right to their feelings... so let them have it.. they do not have right to spew hatred. So remember that.

I have gone through a similar situation on this site. I am bi. But currently exclusively with a woman. So Its kind of the flip side of a lot of women on this site who are with a man.. and fantasizing about women. Im with a woman.. but still identify as bisexual.. but not practicing.

Really Ive gotten so old now.. I don't care who identifies as what. I just want people to emotionally and sexually happy and healthy.

But yes. Ive experiences so so much bisexual phobias, the stereotypical... " make up your mind" " pick a side" " can't committ" ( that one was true...) Etc...And the pure pressure from lesbians and straights alike of feeling like you belong NO WHERE.. is such familiar pain. And I struggled a lot for a long time with my attraction to both sexes.. because it really muddled up the waters of my heart. And to be honest I did not practice my sexuality ethically. But all I can say is your totally a valid member on this site. Keep talking or writing. Feel free to friend me if you like. And don't worry... you are who you are and no one can define you.


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Thanks so much for the reply!

Sometimes it's good to have some validation :D


I'm feeling much better in general these days, but certainly most of last year was very tough.

I was Feeling pulled in multiple directions and dealing with depression and anxiety.


I did not however realise this until I was getting better!


I would have still needed to go have some of my own experiences and some alone time to evaluate things, but things may

have gone a bit smoother without the mental health issues in the mix.


Also figured out that poly is not something I can currently do at this time in my life, so no quick fix there :O


However I did end up with the person I want to be with at this point in time :) and work through a lot of stuff which was making me really not enjoy life and have some pretty warped thoughts/expectations about a few things!


Right now just working on staying in the present and being happy!





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This is all really good. And Ive gone through some of the poly stuff as well for a number of years I even identified as poly and carried on that way. Some of the main ideas still make a lot more sense to me, than monogamy. But yet..here I am and happily...slowly falling in love.. with ONE person.

Further more I can share with you I have battled illness as well.. so I understand at least the effects it had on me and my personal recovery...Im unclear as to how much of my issues where addiction related to alcohol or improper "self medication" due to some emotional and mental health issues. Seems to be all wrapped up in one bundle, I had to dismantle.

All the same the world got brighter after MORE soul searching, some outpatient therapy and a good 10 months in a 12 step. IM not a normie...but IM not sober either.. and thats okay. Seeing a therapist once a week just to talk stuff out seems to be enough for me at the moment.. and sometimes thats all we really have. Look towards the future be in the moment.

I have faith youll find your place if you haven't already. And don't let any asshole, tell you where you belong.

Edited by naturally_lovely

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Does your lesbian friend know that you're bisexual? Sadly, there is a lot of biphobia and anti-bi sentiments among the gay community.


The only way to help people understand your sexuality is to be open with them about your sexuality and how it applies in your own life. People will make their own decisions regarding what they can or cannot accept, but I've found that most people are more open and accepting than I give them credit for. I think as you start seeing more of that in your life, it might be easier to accept it within yourself.


Each of us has her own journey, but taking steps to accept yourself as you are will really help. Build your community. There IS one outside of the group your ex-GF attends. Are you two on speaking terms? Have you both healed from your relationship?


One thing that helped me was taking a break from dating guys. It seems like guys are easy to find, in general, and it takes a very different approach with women. It takes practice to get there. Now, in my case, I identify as gay, but this was what I needed to really figure that out for myself. Women, on the whole, make me much happier than men, are more fulfilling, and certainly turn me on more. I would go with homoflexible, if I want to really tease it out, but I don't see myself dating a man again.


Working through your issues with CBT will help you attract healthier partners and to have healthier relationships, regardless of gender. Is it helping you with the coming out process at all?


It's good that you know for yourself that poly isn't right for you. It's very individual, and I think a lot of bisexual people benefit from testing the waters to see if that is a solution when one partner and/or one gender doesn't meet their needs. When I dated my ex-GF, who is bisexual, I tried to allow her to at least casually see men, but it hit a point where our relationship suffered, and she refused to take measures to save it. Not everyone does poly, or even monogamish, well.


I'm glad you have a partner that you're happy with at the moment! Keep working on all of this. You're on the right track, but yes, it takes time. The more you can immerse yourself in the culture and with others going through similar experiences, the more you will likely be able to accept this part of yourself. I can remember the internal isolation, feeling like you don't fit in with anyone gay or straight, and even getting backhanded comments from people about my sexuality. But the more I learned to accept that people will love me for me or not at all, the more I found myself surrounded by people who love me for me, and I found myself without the burden of trying to please everyone by burying who I really am, and that includes when I identified as bisexual.


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Thanks for your questions and putting them down so you can hopefully get some answers. I've encountered people who question why I am living the way that I am because I was married for nearly 20 years to one man and had 3 kids with him. Most of those who ask are those who knew me when I was married and ask how I could choose to go the way that I did.


They wonder why if women are lesbians and don't like men then why do they use strap-ons, lol and questions like that. Also they like to bring the bible into it and say but you know what the bible says so how can you justify the way you're living? Well I can't answer those questions, all I know is that I'm with a woman and I'm in love with her very deeply and we share a very special connection. She gets me and I get her.


The thing is that you just need to be who you are and don't worry about what others think about you. Yes the bi-phobia among lesbians is real, however you like who you like and who you choose to be with is your choice. If it works to be with a man good or if it works being with a woman, it's your choice.


I myself can not do the poly thing at all, I'm a one person person, but some women can be with a man and a woman and that's fine too. Labels are just that... labels, and I don't care for them, I just want to be me and if by being with a woman they want to call me a lesbian, then guess that's what I am.


I have no desire to be with a man in any capacity, been there done that twice. All I know is that I'm happy because I'm finally able to just be myself because I know that I'm not "straight" nor will I ever be. It is what it is and that's what you have to tell yourself.


Just be happy with who you are and the right person will come along that will be not only what you want but also what you need.


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Thanks for the replies!

To clarify, It's not my view about my own identity I've had a problem with, though I would say the label I put on myself

is pan-sexual these days, because gender can be such a complex thing to many people, not just male or female.


That doesn't bother me, nor does what someone physically may or may not have, verses how they define themselves in terms of gender.


As long as everyone is happy and having fun then it's all good!


I was just getting really pissed about the bi/pan phobia I had experienced from my friend's wife (currently she and my

friend both identify as gay).


I'm fine with what ever label they put on themselves, I would like it if Charlie would just accept me, or at least shut up about it.


Also there was a lot of other stuff going on. Some of it was related to me wanting a break from the relationship I was in to have some more experiences and find out more about myself. That was tough but worth it!


There was also some other stuff going on in my brain, really complicating things. Some time out from dating to just work

through things and realise I needed some help was very useful.


In terms of being part of the LGBTQ+ scene I like to have some time with people who I know get me regards the way I feel about gender etc, but I don't like to have to do things that people (in and out of the community) assume you have to do

because you are an LGBTQ+ member.


A quick example is the local Bi group I was going to.


It was pretty good at first (I did met my ex GF there after all) :)


But then someone else started running it who is a real party animal, then all talk and activities were about or relating

to going to pretty stearotipical gay bars.


That's not my cup of tea, because these days I don't really like super loud places and I don't care for the music, though I've done a fair bit of partying like that in my time :D


Also it seemed to turn in to a bit of a hook up spot. Sure I met my GF there, but it was feeling a bit preditory after a

while (hope that makes sense)?


I'm more the coffee social sort of person these days ;)


Luckily there is one in London that I can go to if I feel the need, which makes me feel good :)


I was (and still am a bit) feeling like that when I am in a relationship with a man that I lose my identity a bit.

Not quite sure why...


When it comes to orientation, I don't guess/assume about people, because I feel it can be so fluid. I guess I don't

really think about it, unless I'm trying to get with someone :O


Anyway I'm putting this down partly because writing helps, and if it's on the site then perhaps it will help someone in

the future, even if it's just so they know they aren't alone and it's ok to think these thoughts at times. Everyone goes

through stuff and has their own ways of working through things.






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