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elliej

Poly Dating

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I haven't found any threads addressing this topic and thought about putting in the independent women forum but think it can address topics for singles and married people.

Poly people can have different kind of dating arrangements. Dating two people individually. Or couples seeking out a third. That is my recent experience and so I am going to look at that particularly scenario. I had a date with a married couple, which they both enjoyed. It is hard for them to find people they both like. And we went to a party together, so they enjoyed the threesome dynamic of both having a connection with me and each other. (triad)

They said they had a great time and want to see me again next week. I have considered it as a option but do not want to commit. I would spend another evening with them, if I did not have a date with someone else new I would rather meet. There are two single guys I do like and want to go out with, so it would probably be only if this couple wanted me to see them on a night when other people were not free....

 

But then even though they knew I was travelling this week, they wanted to meet me spontaneously during the week, which felt like a little high pressure. So they both must really have a crush on me. When I gave a little push back, they told me they were considering that maybe a triad could work out between us. So this is where I want to explore this dating topic.... Because individually neither of them were my type. They were lovely people and we had a nice pleasant evening together and I felt comfortable. It was a good date, not a trainwreck, but I don't feel fireworks for either of them. And in a triad the relationships have to work in every combination not just a married couple being infatuated with the same person. I recognize it is probably difficult to find someone that is easy going and fits well within a couple. But I am not searching for a couple, plus they are the only couple I have ever been on a real date with. So I appreciate that. I can consider dating them like I would an individual, but then all of the same rules apply, except in double because I have to find two people both of whom I am attracted to, and I think that's a challenge...

 

Any thoughts or experiences?

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If you're not feeling it, then you're not feeling it. At least it's early yet. They're probably excited that they found someone they both like, but you also have the right to date who you like, and if they're not doing it for you, then the best thing you can do is let them know so they can find someone who's a better fit. Don't drag it out. It'll only get worse the more time passes. Be gentle but clear and firm.

 

Good luck with your other dates!

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If you're not feeling it, then you're not feeling it. At least it's early yet. They're probably excited that they found someone they both like, but you also have the right to date who you like, and if they're not doing it for you, then the best thing you can do is let them know so they can find someone who's a better fit. Don't drag it out. It'll only get worse the more time passes. Be gentle but clear and firm.

 

Good luck with your other dates!

Does this work?

"Thank you for the lovely evening and compliments. It was an adventure, and the sex was very nice. I understand you are excited to meet someone you both like - I know it is a challenge for you sometimes to agree. =) And that you think you would consider having someone join your relationship potentially in the future. It is very flattering you like me so much. I think I would be happy to see you again on a more casual basis, but think I would like to keep it more casual and not pursue something more serious with you."

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Just because they both like you doesn't mean you're required to date them if you're not feeling it, and like BiTri said, the longer you draw it out, the worse it will get. As well as the more likely you'll be to grow to resent them. I've never had experience with a couple, but I did date a guy I thought I could be into if I tried, but ultimately I wasn't, and I grew to hate every second with him until I finally had the courage to break it off. Of course, that was in high school, but I think the same idea remains. Go with your gut and do what makes you happy. Be gracious and kind, but don't do something you don't want to do because someone else wants you to <3 Your feelings and desires matter too, and they need to be your number one priority.

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Does this work?

"Thank you for the lovely evening and compliments. It was an adventure, and the sex was very nice. I understand you are excited to meet someone you both like - I know it is a challenge for you sometimes to agree. =) And that you think you would consider having someone join your relationship potentially in the future. It is very flattering you like me so much. I think I would be happy to see you again on a more casual basis, but think I would like to keep it more casual and not pursue something more serious with you."

I would keep it more brief. I know you're trying to soften the blow, but take out a lot of modifiers. Just keep it clear that you think they're nice people, but you're not feeling it. The way you made it sound, you'd still want to have sex with them, but not have a relationship, which sounds like the opposite of what you're trying to convey, right? Try to take out anything ambiguous. Seeing each other casually, I have learned the hard way, can be incredibly ambiguous when someone wants it to be. They can ascribe whatever meaning they want to it. So be very clear and concise with your words.
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I've never been on this side of the spectrum, but I'm only listening to try to see what it's like for someone who potentially wants to date a couple because we're looking for that dynamic. lol

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I have been on dates with couples. I have really enjoyed. Though it is true this is an arrangement that has to work for all of you, I say as long as you are enjoying your time go ahead. If you are honest about not exclusively dating them and want to hang out with other people as well then go ahead. But I disagree with the idea of things getting worse as time passes. I say give it time to grow and see if feelings change. At least another few dates to be sure. Unless you are totally sure now.

Is this your first triad? Or theirs? Or has it happened for all of you or some of you before?

They are dating for them. And you are dating for you. Ultimately do what makes you happy. When I have dated couples.. I was not instantly attracted to both of them.. admittedly it was lopsided. But for me it was the dynamic of the couple that played a part in my attraction as well. And it can take some time to see how two people truly interact with each other once they are comfortable. Worthy of some thought. Good luck in dating land! Just cause you keep dating them, doesn't mean you have to not see the others. While its all young I think its okay try on a few different pair of shoes, depending on your stamina.

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I'm really curious about this too. But I'm wondering, where do you find poly people to date if you don't have access to clubs, etc? And for single ladies looking for a triad, what would make a couple appealing?

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In Germany, they have their own website for German speaking community with very strict screening. Basically a lot of swingers who organize parties etc. But it is nice because it screens out the rest of the English speaking crazy world fakes.

well both men and women are attracted to me. this couple liked the fact that I fit in easily to the dynamic. I was easy going, they both liked me. He enjoyed sex with me, and I am pretty sure it was the best sex she ever had in her life... so there is that. To be honest, a triad is three romantic relationships, so I think for anyone to know really if they want that with someone it takes time just like dating. BiTri has some references on the topic. But there is a complex dynamic about existing couples and their motives. Some want a third person to fit into "their rules" but it seems a true triad should not have one relationship dominate the other two. Does the couple just want a third person for regular sex etc? Because that's not a polyamorous triad etc.

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But there is a complex dynamic about existing couples and their motives. Some want a third person to fit into "their rules" but it seems a true triad should not have one relationship dominate the other two. Does the couple just want a third person for regular sex etc? Because that's not a polyamorous triad etc.

 

That is what I was sure I was learning from putting my feelers out there. I'm glad I'm getting more information about different styles. A triad of equality is what I tell people I would like in my life. A life partner, even if that didn't mean a sex partner. And not a FWB or side person, but a full member of the family. I think it's just such a huge ask, it seems hopeless to want. I really appreciate hearing from women who have been with/are interested in couples. The insight is so important, I think.

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I don't know if I would want this. I think for me it might be sometime short term, but I do like connecting with people, not just having sex. Even if we just have casual sex. Maybe if I met a couple and I felt head over heels about both who knows. But I think even for me that would be a tall order. I don't think I fall in love that easily.

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