findtheway

Dating Women - More Frustrating Than Dating Men

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I know there is no general answer to this question, that it depends on the person. Having said that, my experiences with women are way messier than those with men. I was so brutally flirted with, and than when I showed genuine interest in hooking up, had them back out. I had a girl invite me to her room to sleep with her (more than once), she was not sober, though, and the time I was willing to accept her invitation, her friend showed up and messed my plans. And when I told her I'd like to kiss her the next evening, she was surprised, shocked even. WTF?! I even managed to hook up with the narcissistic stalkery girl. Luckily it didn't last long, I ended it in time, and there was no real damage. I know that these are my individual experiences and not the general rule, but these things never happened to me with men. I think women are so much more complicated and messy than men.

 

I didn't have a lot of partners, neither sexual nor romantic ones. Since I came out, I dated women exclusively. I lost interest in men. Now I am single for some time now and I haven't had sex in almost six months and I am starting to miss it really hard. I even started thinking about men sexually. I think that the loneliness and too long abstinence have something to do with it. If I would find a man really attractive and have a chance to have sex with him, I wouldn't refuse it, I guess. But when a guy hits on me seriously, I am not really interested. I just find women so much more interested and attractive. I feel for women what I never did for men, neither in the range of emotions or in intensity.

 

I said a few times, if I would know that I could feel complete with a man, I would forgo women instantly and focus on men. But I feel that I would always miss being with a woman. And I don't want to turn to men out of despair, I think that it can lead to a bad path. But women seem to be driving me crazy the way the men never did. And yet, I want a woman!

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@findtheway - One of the key things that attracts you, and the rest of us here on Shy, to women - their emotional complexity - is the very thing that drives us all crazy at one time or another... Comparatively speaking, most men are just so much simpler, and therefore more straightforward and easier to deal with in many ways...

 

You certainly aren't the first bisexual or lesbian woman to consider forsaking women entirely for the easier option... I have known plenty of women who have decided to do just that, as the result of being messed around or severely hurt by women...but that decision tends to not work out very well in the long run, as the sexual and emotional desire for women will inevitably come back to haunt you, and you will probably end up terribly frustrated with and unfulfilled by your male partner(s)...

 

The truth of the matter is that if you are that into women, you are probably a lesbian (possibly with bi tendencies), and therefore would be wise to stick to women and learn to deal with their emotional complexity, accepting that at times it will drive you completely crazy...but knowing that, in the end, it's totally worth the effort.

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I think the complexity of women is ultimately part of the appeal of dating them. Men tend to be fairly simplistic, which can be good or bad, depending on your preferences.

 

I can tell you from first-hand experience that opening up to men when women are ultimately what you want can go south. When you don't have a "way" with women, it can feel futile trying to meet one worthwhile. I hear that loud and clear, as I struggle, too. But the right woman will be worth the effort. Going back to men because it's easy, which I have done before, will likely backfire, as taking the easy road often does.

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Wow, your post was like reading something from my own life. I totally hear you about the whole no sex and suddenly guys are looking really interesting (I won't say how long it's been for me), which is why I also came back here. Am I bi? I have no clue, I'm trying to figure it out. I tried experimenting 5 months ago but it didn't really work out and it freaked me out, but that might be because I'm mostly top so it weirded me out when he tried to top me... I don't know... Are girls more frustrating than men though? It's hard to say since my experience with men is limited. I bet men, in their own way, are just as frustrating.

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Thank you ladies. I know you are right. I am pretty much gay. And I know I want to be with a woman, I want to build my life with a woman.

 

I actually met a wonderful woman on-line recently, we clicked, it felt so good, but it just ended because it would have been long distance with hardly any chance of changing that. If we'd have been in the same place geographically, we'd have ended up together. She restored my faith in women; just knowing that she is out there, and that must be some others like her, it helps.

 

I can tell you from first-hand experience that opening up to men when women are ultimately what you want can go south. When you don't have a "way" with women, it can feel futile trying to meet one worthwhile. I hear that loud and clear, as I struggle, too. But the right woman will be worth the effort. Going back to men because it's easy, which I have done before, will likely backfire, as taking the easy road often does.

 

Your story really stuck with me for some reason. So when I seriously consider running away from women to men because of the wrong reasons, I remind myself that it can go bad. Thank you for sharing.

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Thank you ladies. I know you are right. I am pretty much gay. And I know I want to be with a woman, I want to build my life with a woman.

 

I actually met a wonderful woman on-line recently, we clicked, it felt so good, but it just ended because it would have been long distance with hardly any chance of changing that. If we'd have been in the same place geographically, we'd have ended up together. She restored my faith in women; just knowing that she is out there, and that must be some others like her, it helps.

 

 

 

Your story really stuck with me for some reason. So when I seriously consider running away from women to men because of the wrong reasons, I remind myself that it can go bad. Thank you for sharing.

It's great that she restored your faith in women! They are definitely out there. But it's very hard when you're so far apart. I debate being open to LDRs, but there's so much that goes with them, and it's hard to really make it work, especially if one or both of you have ties to where you are, and you can't be in the same place anytime soon. Travel gets so expensive.

 

I'm glad my cautionary tale stuck! We can get to such a lonely and vulnerable place, and we're SO susceptible to the wrong person at that point. Right now, you're in a very raw place, but this is also a great time for growth within yourself and for figuring out better what you really want in life and in a relationship. You have a narrow window where you're broken down. Take this time to focus on how to better put those pieces back together. :)

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I envy you ladies as you all seem to find someone without much effort. I'm very different from most here as I haven't had sex in something like 18 years. (That's true, no lie). I'm old fashioned and very monogamous. I'm not looking for sex, but love. Tho you all don't seen to be better off than I.

I've only been with 1 woman in my life. Something I will treasure forever. Where I live is the main issue as everyone is straight. But I do seek that 1 special woman to be with forever.

findtheway, I'm sure there is a lovely lady out there, keep looking and keep your faith as I do.

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Women are definitely more complicated than women, however I agree with what's been said, don't start thinking that finding a man would be the easy way out. If you know you're attracted to women, you'll never be fully satisfied with a man unless that man knows about your attraction to women and can handle it if you want to be with a woman and be with him.

 

Just be patient as I'm sure you'll find the right woman for you.

 

Mine just happened to live in a whole different country over four thousand miles away and at times it is very hard not being in the same place, but we have long term goals to be together as soon as my daughter graduates high school. It is expensive to travel and she's been here to see me more than I've been to see her but that's just how it's worked out for us. I hope to get over there to see her again before I move over there and maybe the next time I get to go visit her we'll be able to get married. It is not easy being in a long distance relationship, but we love each other very much and know that we're meant to be together, so when it's right it's right.

 

Every person is different and sure netty and I would love to be able to be together now, but in time we will be. For now we just have to be happy with seeing each other when we can and trust me it's been a very long 8 months since I've seen her last but next week she'll be here. So just take heart I'm sure you'll find the right one.

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Searching, searching, searching...

 

I find once we find ourselves, the rest falls into place.

 

Sending good thoughts your way

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I feel like I could've written this- I totally empathise. It is easy to look at men again when they are so easy and available- they're are obvious straight men everywhere in the world who will hit on women, pursue us and they will give us sex when we crave that. Hey, sometimes sex with a man is better than none at all? I think that but then other times,feel terrible because I know deep down my heart desires a woman emotionally,spiritually and physically.

 

I just haven't been able to date or find one in nearly two years now and have filled gaps of loneliness by incorporating men into my life even though I know I don't love them or connect with them in a deep,passionate sense.

 

I am actually dating a guy now who I met at a bar about 2 months ago. I never intended to get exclusive with him but now I feelit is happening and I enjoy his company and he is very sweet, even though we have not slept together but I guess it is headed that direction. In reality, I would like like to be dating a woman but the online thing hasn't worked- any good leads I get are living far away or disappear for no apparent reason before we meet or something.I have been trying for about 6 months to meet a woman, even get a date with someone I find attractive but no joy.I live in a capital city of a liberal-ish country so this shouldn't be a problem, right?

 

I don't know whether to end things with this guy before it gets serious and I break his heart or continue seeing him and see what happens. I don't think this is a prudent approach though? Having read stories of so many of you ladies on here who end up in LTRs and marriages with men, you can't end them then because of children and other complexities, I fear getting into a relationship with a man knowing I am at best probably only superficially attracted to them and have occasional sexual thoughts. I can't imagine ever being in love with a man either so don't know if it's the same as or different to being in love with a woman, for those of you have experienced being in love with both sexes?

 

Sorry, I have no answers, only that we can hope the Universe will allow meet the right woman at the right time and be happy. ( :

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Straight up. Women make me crazy. I agree with everyone who says that men are easier... because they ARE! My problem is I don't think like a woman... so when I am confronted with women's "complexities" I am dumbfounded. I'm not emotional... so the emotional maelstrom of a woman is just crazy to me. But I remember the way I felt about my friend when I thought there was something there... she is free spirited... a fairy sprite... she has a childlike sweetness about her that drew me in... I loved her emotional nature... she was like catching the wind... when she found joy it made my heart burst. I wanted to take care of her... i wanted her to need me. But I ran smack into the manipulative nature that many women have. And I got burned to a crisp.

 

So yeah. Men are way easier.

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Straight up. Women make me crazy. I agree with everyone who says that men are easier... because they ARE! My problem is I don't think like a woman... so when I am confronted with women's "complexities" I am dumbfounded. I'm not emotional... so the emotional maelstrom of a woman is just crazy to me. But I remember the way I felt about my friend when I thought there was something there... she is free spirited... a fairy sprite... she has a childlike sweetness about her that drew me in... I loved her emotional nature... she was like catching the wind... when she found joy it made my heart burst. I wanted to take care of her... i wanted her to need me. But I ran smack into the manipulative nature that many women have. And I got burned to a crisp.

 

So yeah. Men are way easier.

wow....I totally get this...
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So do I!

 

wow....I totally get this...

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I've had these very conversations with BTM about this and I always give women one more try. And then one more try and one more try. I just can't give 'em up! LOL

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But sometimes it is the push & pull and mystery that make it all kinda fun... In a sick and twisted way, no? Or am I just trying to justify the torture?

Edited by TBD78
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Straight up. Women make me crazy. I agree with everyone who says that men are easier... because they ARE! My problem is I don't think like a woman... so when I am confronted with women's "complexities" I am dumbfounded. I'm not emotional... so the emotional maelstrom of a woman is just crazy to me. But I remember the way I felt about my friend when I thought there was something there... she is free spirited... a fairy sprite... she has a childlike sweetness about her that drew me in... I loved her emotional nature... she was like catching the wind... when she found joy it made my heart burst. I wanted to take care of her... i wanted her to need me. But I ran smack into the manipulative nature that many women have. And I got burned to a crisp.

This is the part I get. And I understand the attraction to the manipulative type. The subconscious attraction to the manipulative type.

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But sometimes it is the push & pull and mystery that make it all kinda fun... In a sick and twisted way, no? Or am I just trying to justify the torture?

 

I see that in other people for sure... I have friends who enjoy the chase, the games, the back and forth. Unfortunately I am more the type who likes things to be straightforward and logical with little drama. Which the women I know most certainly are NOT! LOL! And to be fair.. I'm sure I drive my female friends crazy with my need to fix things. I don't vent or rant for the sake of venting or ranting... and most of the women I know do just that. They don't want to solve the problem, they just want to vent about it, where I start offering solutions. And that can get annoying for someone who just wants to vent, so both parties end up frustrated. Men don't do that. They have an issue. They try to solve it. So men are easier in that way too.

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The longer I'm on Shy (since last August), the more I realize that bi women who are married to or in long-term relationships with men, or have spent most of their adult lives with male partners, are really very different from those who have gone down the female route from a fairly early age... Quite a few women in the former category have posted comments, or told me personally, that they can't handle the complexity and emotionalism of women... They often say that they are not emotional themselves, and sometimes compare themselves to men...and I wonder it that has to do with aspects of the masculine disposition wearing off on them, or if they have always been that way...

 

I have both bi and lesbian friends, and when I really think about the differences, I can see that the latter, and also bi women who have been with women exclusively for a long time, could be described as 'uber females', often even if they are somewhat or very butch...probably because their emotional interaction has been mainly with women, which conditions them to deal with complexity and emotionalism more easily...

 

What do you all think?

Edited by BenedettaC
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Yes cos I think of myself as quite feminine and emotional but my last girlfriend had me baffled with her angry intensity and seemingly out of the blue emotional outbursts. I always felt happy when I was with her and then all of a sudden she would be crying and bawling about something that I felt shouldn't have affected her so much. I also noted that her lesbianism made her vulnerable to being manipulated by straight women in a way that I would be too savvy to be. On the positive side she was much easier to talk to about deeper issues than my late hubby was and that was the thing that I missed more than anything after we spit up, she had stopped me feeling lonely while we were together so she certainly satisfied both an emotional and intellectual need within me.

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I fall into the former category. Having only been involved with one women (who was also married) I found that there has been an emotional and vulnerable shift in me. I think (for me) part of the emotional immaturity was untapped exploration and the other part was a function of protecting ones self. I find now, having gone through an experience with a woman, I am more in tune with my emotions and needs and have an easier time addressing them. I don't believe in playing games and often very clear on where I stand. I know as I continue to figure out what feels and fits into my life, I'll continue adjusting how I look at things...constantly evolving and growing.

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I also noted that her lesbianism made her vulnerable to being manipulated by straight women in a way that I would be too savvy to be.

 

 

Yessss...I learned about this the hard way... It had never even occurred to me that it could be an issue...and I was no spring chicken at the time either...! :scratchhead:

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Dating women is definitely harder. We're much more complicated. I can totally understand why men think we're f-ing nuts sometimes... I mostly date only women now, but have dated men in the past.

 

Men are easier to figure out. Women don't always let it known what they want, or even if they're really interested in you. And bi-sexual girls are sometimes just loony-tunes. I mean I know that I've struggled in the past letting another girl that I'm interested in her. We all play those mental games with ourselves - is she into me, does she like girls... And we all know (or should know) that the girl we're interested is usually going to through the same thing. I think that women in general don't like rejection. A guy typically will ask girl after girl out, and not really get too bummed out if he gets rejected. But for me, if I get turned down/rejected by a girl, I do nuts trying to figure out why.

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The longer I'm on Shy (since last August), the more I realize that bi women who are married to or in long-term relationships with men, or have spent most of their adult lives with male partners, are really very different from those who have gone down the female route from a fairly early age... Quite a few women in the former category have posted comments, or told me personally, that they can't handle the complexity and emotionalism of women... They often say that they are not emotional themselves, and sometimes compare themselves to men...and I wonder it that has to do with aspects of the masculine disposition wearing off on them, or if they have always been that way...

 

I have both bi and lesbian friends, and when I really think about the differences, I can see that the latter, and also bi women who have been with women exclusively for a long time, could be described as 'uber females', often even if they are somewhat or very butch...probably because their emotional interaction has been mainly with women, which conditions them to deal with complexity and emotionalism more easily...

 

What do you all think?

 

That's a really interesting observation Benedetta. For me personally, from a very early age I felt more comfortable with boys. I have always had more male friends than female friends... and I have tended to work in male dominated fields. When I was growing up I had a lot of trouble dealing with the cattiness and mean spiritedness I ran into with girls... and I had a very difficult time learning to trust women. A compliment on its face often was a veiled insult or something to be ridiculed about behind your back. And in my family there was a lot of drama... everyone talked about everyone else behind their back, including my mother, and there was always a hidden agenda... so that didn't help my feelings about women. Sadly that prejudice has carried into my adult life since it has been difficult for me to trust women enough to even be friends with them. When I realized my attraction to women I vehemently denied it at first because of the bad experiences I have had with women in the past. Then I opened up and trusted my best friend... and got hurt. My own fault, not hers, but it still didn't help. So joining this site was about more than just accepting my bisexuality... it is also about facing my difficulty in relating to women in general.

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I have similar problems with straight women despite trying very hard. I find them so full of gossip and nastiness that it's almost impossible to get past that. This year so far I have made no attempt to relate figuring that it's not worth it. Also I have never had a female friend that didn't end up turning against me or betraying me in some way so when my Lesbian girlfriend did the same thing I was devastated beyond despair. Only my late hubby pulled me through that. I can totally accept being bi, the problem for me is meeting trustworthy people, I know they are out there somewhere, they just don't come my way.

 

 

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That's a really interesting observation Benedetta. For me personally, from a very early age I felt more comfortable with boys. I have always had more male friends than female friends... and I have tended to work in male dominated fields. When I was growing up I had a lot of trouble dealing with the cattiness and mean spiritedness I ran into with girls... and I had a very difficult time learning to trust women. A compliment on its face often was a veiled insult or something to be ridiculed about behind your back. And in my family there was a lot of drama... everyone talked about everyone else behind their back, including my mother, and there was always a hidden agenda... so that didn't help my feelings about women. Sadly that prejudice has carried into my adult life since it has been difficult for me to trust women enough to even be friends with them. When I realized my attraction to women I vehemently denied it at first because of the bad experiences I have had with women in the past. Then I opened up and trusted my best friend... and got hurt. My own fault, not hers, but it still didn't help. So joining this site was about more than just accepting my bisexuality... it is also about facing my difficulty in relating to women in general.

 

I hear you Giulia... When I was young (from childhood through to my 20s), I tended to get along better with boys, and later men (partially because I didn't like the catty and mean-spirited tendencies of girls/women, but also because when I was a kid, I wanted to do the things that boys were doing, and not what most girls were doing), and had more male friends than female ones (although I always had a female best friend, who tended to be a bit like me, some of whom turned out to be bi/gay)... But once I stopped having relationships with and dating men, and got into women only, I had more bi and lesbian female friends, I guess mainly because gay women (and bi women who are more on the side or being lesbian) tend to enjoy one another's company...and over the years, I have become much more comfortable with women in general, and have learned to trust them more than I once did...

 

I find that many of the bi/lesbian women I'm friends with (and those I've been lovers with) are what I would describe as emotionally very 'feminine' (i.e. intuitive; sensitive to others and their environment; possessing a lot of inner strength), with a streak of so-called 'masculinity' (i.e. what society has traditionally defined as such, in terms of their sexual demeanour and assertiveness), which is only detectable if you're tuned into it, and which is different from what one encounters in most (but, of course, not all) hetero women... This could be described as being 'uber feminine' (in the feminist sense of things).

Edited by BenedettaC
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