HulaHoop444

I Can't Live With My Mother Anymore.

14 posts in this topic

I have lived with my mother basically my entire life with short breaks when I went away for college and career training. As I have grown and formed my opinions, my mom and I disagree on particular topics. I came out as bisexual at 21 and she still has not accepted the part of me that loves women. She has said that if I marry a woman she will not be supportive.

 

I have attempted to become a part of the local LGBTQ+ scene in my city and she "forbids" from attending pride. Every time I try to go says she will kick me out. Mind you I just turned 30, not 16.

 

This threat happened again when she discovered that I made an appointment to get tattooed.

I currently have a per diem job with a staffing agency so I am not making a lot of money. I start graduate school soon and I want to get my own housing so I can be in the best mindset to finish school.

I have clinical depression and every time my mom puts a halt on something I want to pursue, it crushes my spirit. I really have to try to find a better job so I can move out, get an apartment and finally be free to be myself.

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I feel for you Hula, but you need to be responsible for your own life. It's not your Mum's, she doesn't have to like it. Your mental health depends on you being happy, we all need to be happy and loved. You go out there and get it girl, life is waiting for you. Get a job and your own apartment. The LGBT group may be able to help you find suitable employment and board. We love our mothers but we have our own lives to.

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I feel for you Hula, but you need to be responsible for your own life. It's not your Mum's, she doesn't have to like it. Your mental health depends on you being happy, we all need to be happy and loved. You go out there and get it girl, life is waiting for you. Get a job and your own apartment. The LGBT group may be able to help you find suitable employment and board. We love our mothers but we have our own lives to.

 

I don't love my mom right now. She is being a controlling, emotionally abusive shrew. I have resources. I'm seeing my job coach later today and I am going to call my therapist as well to see what my options are.

Edited by HulaHoop444
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Mothers are strange creatures aren't they. Mines very similar to this in the way that if it's something she wouldn't do, or something she feared, then I have no business doing it either. She still has issues with me being bisexual and doesn't understand it. But it's also things like piercings, tattoos, even going on an airplane, if she thinks they're wrong or unsafe then I shouldn't be partaking in them if she wouldn't. I have piercings tattoos and I went on a plane for the first time aged 30, my mom didn't speak to me for going ahead and doing these things, and then caused arguments with me when she did say 2 words to me. She can be very controlling, I'm 33 but still she feels she has a right to make my choices because she's protecting me apparently. But She's not, there's a difference between protecting your children and sheltering them from the world. I sadly have no choice than to deal with her while I'm here living in her home. But you have the right attitude hula, find a way to move out and be independent. Then no matter what she says, at the end of the day you don't have to answer to her anymore. I love my mom but she's nuts. Sometimes they just dont understand the present day world. They don't like change and refuse to move with the times. But that's not our problem, we gotta do what's right for us. Good luck hula x

Edited by Rocker83
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I just let her talk and pretend I listen and care .I know who I am and no matter what she says and she has a lot to say about everything including my kid me my marriage and in general stuff she shouldn't get involved ,anyway no matter what she says they hurt me but I have learned to be in my head sort of and show to her nothing of what I feel.So she keeps talking I don't comment and she stops.

I get you and I have to say they won't change,it's how they think and they want to bring us to their standards,to how they think we should be and act.You live in her house but sometimes it's good to keep things to yourself and not tell her everything :)

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I just let her talk and pretend I listen and care .I know who I am and no matter what she says and she has a lot to say about everything including my kid me my marriage and in general stuff she shouldn't get involved ,anyway no matter what she says they hurt me but I have learned to be in my head sort of and show to her nothing of what I feel.So she keeps talking I don't comment and she stops.

I get you and I have to say they won't change,it's how they think and they want to bring us to their standards,to how they think we should be and act.You live in her house but sometimes it's good to keep things to yourself and not tell her everything :)

 

It's not always me telling her things. My nosy relatives tell her what I post on social media. I unfriended a bunch of family members over this latest incident.

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Here's the thing, your mother can't actually forbid you to do anything at thirty! She could kick you out and I remember your previous posts about similar issues with her.

 

She's never going to change her mind or be particularly supportive, so as harsh as it's sounds don't tell her anything. I know plenty of people in my life that have differing opinions, including my family, so for an easier life I don't engage with them. If you want to go to pride or anything she might not agree with, you can do it at your own risk of losing housing but don't ask for permission. I'm guessing given how often she threatens this, it won't happen and she'll just be passive aggressive again don't rise to it.

 

If you haven't got a secure job then moving out is difficult, even getting a loan is rough. Unfriend everyone who likes to meddle and do you the best you can until you can move. The more you involve people the more stress you'll have.

 

Your mother loves you, she just doesn't love your choices, the same way you don't love her opinions. There's no point being mad at that while you see her every day it just makes her harder to be around and you more depressed. Once you leave, you can choose whether or not you want her in your life or not.

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Is there a friend you could move in with, and share the rent? It might be a less expensive option.

 

You already know that she is adding to your burden here. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. My own father was similar, though I was thankfully able to move out at 18. I eventually cut him out of my life at 27 when he pulled some stuff at my wedding. It's a decision I have never regretted.

 

You may also want to do a deep clean of your friends on social media. It sounds like you have already done some, but you may need to go bigger, especially once you move out. Sadly, when you live with a parent, they do have control over you, which especially sucks when you have a controlling parent.

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Your mother is your mother and you are you. It is important for those boundaries to be clear, She may not want to stay within her boundaries but it is important for you to stay within yours, you are not going to change her. Only she can change her outlook. There will always be "circumstance" or outside forces or reasons, that will try to keep you in a bad situation. If you are waiting to those things to get better or go away, you will be waiting for ever. You are 30 years old, a grown woman, you need to take control of your life. I understand there are economic realities you are facing, set a plan to work on resolving them. In the mean time realize that you are in control of how you feel and your outlook. do not give that power to your mother or anyone else.

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Thanks for all the advice. I am looking into alternative housing and trying to stay positive.

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Hula, I like you truly and very much. You have to grow, and can't if you are stuck in the roll of a child. You already know this, that's why you are seeking the reaffirmation. I am sorry that you don't have a good support system with your family. I believe that you are stronger than you think you are. Your depression doesn't own you. I know of which I speak. You stamp that bastard (Depression) into the ground with every goal you pursue, and every step you take in your own personal growth. Independence can be scary shit for those with depression at their heels. But on your worst days, when you feel the most alone, remember that you are amazing. You are smart, talented, and Strong. You know who you are inside and you need to become that on the outside and declare it. You have been a caterpillar, and you will be a butterfly once you spread your wings.

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Hula, I like you truly and very much. You have to grow, and can't if you are stuck in the roll of a child. You already know this, that's why you are seeking the reaffirmation. I am sorry that you don't have a good support system with your family. I believe that you are stronger than you think you are. Your depression doesn't own you. I know of which I speak. You stamp that bastard (Depression) into the ground with every goal you pursue, and every step you take in your own personal growth. Independence can be scary shit for those with depression at their heels. But on your worst days, when you feel the most alone, remember that you are amazing. You are smart, talented, and Strong. You know who you are inside and you need to become that on the outside and declare it. You have been a caterpillar, and you will be a butterfly once you spread your wings.

 

This is just what I needed to hear! I have kicked depression's butt before and I can do it again!

Edited by HulaHoop444
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Here is a mini update. I just a had a conversation with my mother and she thinks that I should hold off on moving out for a number reasons. One of them I can live with her rent free. T She believes that trying to find housing and then adjusting to grad school will be too stressful. She says that all I have to clean the house and not spend my money on stupid things like a tattoo when I can save up driving lessons and a car. She thinks that once I am done with my degree and have a good steady income I should move. Does she make good points? Should I stick it out until I finish school or leave now?

Edited by HulaHoop444
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Here is a mini update. I just a had a conversation with my mother and she thinks that I should hold off on moving out for a number reasons. One of them I can live with her rent free. Trying to find housing and then adjusting to grad school will be too stressful. She says that all I have to clean the house and not spend my money on stupid things like a tattoo when I can save up driving lessons and a car. She thinks that once I am done with my degree and have a good steady income I should move. Does she make good points? Should I stick it out until I finish school or leave now?

 

She does make good points but you were both in an reasonable and understanding mood. In theory, this should work out great, but that's a lot if's but's and maybes. Who knows how long it'll take you to find a job for example?

 

Also if it is your money, you should get to spend it how you like. Moving is always an adjustment for everyone and it really comes down to how you feel and what you really want. I'm glad things are better between you but we know this is an ongoing thing so she'll disagree with something and the cycle will start over. I don't say that to be cynical I say that because you deserve happiness.

 

You have to think about what's best for you and your wellbeing and the longer you're living at home as stressful and trying as the other options might be you should at least give them a proper look over and feel a bit better that you're not being thrown out for now, but I wouldn't give up on that just because she's not mad today.

Edited by Hungry
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