Yogagirl34

Tired of dealing with wishy washy women

38 posts in this topic

Before I go off on my tangent, I do not think all married women are a hot mess but I am tired of being that single woman who is the "first time experience"  for a married  woman. I just ended a situation --which I already knew was not going to work based on the distance etc.--but I was far more emotionally invested than she was or ever planned to be and feel like she was talking out both sides of her mouth.

I never expected her to leave her husband and respected her boundaries within her marriage and she has been with men, with her hubby's knowledge, outside their marriage.  She is a long story..we have known each other for many years,.chatted years ago online when I was curious and exploring, lost contact, she reconnected with me a few years. We got together for a weekend this past year, her first time, etc.

I am pissed off, upset, frustrated, etc. and so tired of this. I have had other hot mess issues with married women in the past and broke my rule of no more married women. She knew I was very hesitant and was very honest with her.

So she tells me after we were together --how she felt emotionally connected to me, had feelings, felt a bond, etc. So I had enough because I felt like after we got together her contact was not as frequent, always a family or child drama which I understand etc but the intensity and her effort felt like it waned over the months so there were red flags and called her on that. 

I am a really understanding and patient person but I had enough so I sent her an email and told her I wanted to end our  contact because I felt more emotionally invested than her, she was not really making an effort with staying in touch, etc. so then I get this response that her marriage will always be her primary relationship, that neither one of them will form any emotional relatiinships with other people outside their marriage...what!? Are you kidding me?  I responded back that she never made that clear to me, felt emotionally used, especially after she told me she had feelings, felt a strong emotional connection beyond just sexual. I understand that a first time experience can be overwhelming and confusing, but I really think she,was selfish--just wanted to sexually experience being with a woman and that was it, and then went back to her life. All the rest was BS. 

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that she definitely has some mental health issues going on too so it was a combo of many things so yes, it needed to end.. 

Just looking for some support...I know I am not the only one who has gone down this road. So tired of this crap. But it is spring cleaning time which means good riddance. I don't have time or energy to deal with the cray cray train! 

Have any of you single ladies felt led on and been in messy situations like this? I am DONE!

Thanks for listening, ladies. I was laid off from a job contract last week so things in my life have been out of sorts in general.

Edited by Yogagirl34
2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@CuriouslyMarriedWoman I really appreciate your honesty and feedback! Thank you. If I was married or in a committed relationship, maybe I would see things in a different light but I am all about honesty. Heck, it is not just married women either. I was completely kicked to a curb by a friend of many years, who is straight up bi and had both male and female lovers, and then tells me she can't text me  anymore because he was jealous...after he read private texts between us!!! Suffice it to say, we are no longer friends. We had been intimate and close friends long before this dude rolled into the picture, but she is totally insecure and desperate for a man in her life so that was not surprising.

If this married woman had been straight up with me and said this will only be a one-time sexual experience and nothing more then I probably would not have been with her and I think that is why she strung me along. She has a lot of anxiety/socialization issues (among other things) so I think she jumped at the chance because she felt comfortable with me based on our past connection and she knew I had been with women before so I had some experience.

It is what it is and need to move on. I have been down this road too many times to count. I also should have listened to my gut instinct with her and ended our contact months ago when the red flags popped up. I think she is playing at the poly/bi lifestyle and is a selfish person in general. She also is far too dependent on her husband and I almost think he pushed her into being with other men, going to swinger clubs, etc. But that is my own theory.

Like I said, I am not lumping all married women into the same category but I seem to attract the wishy washy, crazy, selfish married women. But lessons learned and not going down that road again.

Edited by Yogagirl34
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Yogagirl34 -

I have heard and seen exactly what you have described many times before, and this is the reason why so many gay women have a 'no married women' policy... But, as they say, rules are meant to be broken, and so sometimes we find ourselves throwing caution to the wind...

The truth is that sometimes women in hetero marriages become so desperate for sex with a woman (either for the first time, or after not having had it for a long time) that they will say and do anything to get some action...and this includes not only working their way up to having a one-off encounter, but also actually becoming very emotionally involved with another woman, even to the point of being on the verge of making a serious commitment...only to panic when they realize that to continue they would need to make serious changes to their life...and so they run away, and right back into the closet...at least for awhile...

It isn't usually a matter of pre-meditation or deviousness, but selfishness resulting in carelessness... Of course, that doesn't make the end-result any less frustrating or painful for the person on the receiving end...

The truth is that for single women, anyone who is married/partnered is not really a good bet as a long-term lover, even if they are poly (and I know that saying this is controversial), as there are just too many complications...and unless that person leaves her husband/wife or partner, you will always be secondary...and who really wants to be in that position?

That's why so many married women here on Shy say that they could only ever see themselves becoming lovers with another married woman - so as not to disappoint or hurt anyone due to the fact that they have absolutely no intention of ever leaving their husband... That's an honest assessment and position that should really be appreciated...although it still carries the risk of one or the other, or both women falling in love and wanting more...

Of course, some women ultimately do end up leaving their husband for their female lover...but from what I have seen, that doesn't often happen, and when it does, there can be lots of difficulties and complications, especially if young children are involved...

So...try to find someone with the same status as yourself... All else considered, it will be a much more promising situation...

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am very sorry for your experiences, which is why just like @CuriousMarriedWoman, I chose to only embark on this journey with someone who had the same situation as myself. We had the same interest, need for discretion, and could totally understand family priorities and times when one party was unable to be engaged.  I understood how complex this thing could be and having a single partner is absolutely unfair to the single party. I am thoughtful and I have empathy (even if it is just sex to some). I think you should stick to your own standards and not waiver for anyone. No matter how beautiful, no matter how smitten.............if she doesn't have the same relationship status as you, walk away.

But on the flip side..........................if you decide to throw caution to the wind and take the risk, don't be upset when things don't go as you expected them to. Being single and dating is alot like fishing................you can go, but you're not guaranteed to catch anything. If you do get a bite on your line, you won't know what it is until you pull it in. You won't know how a new species of fish taste (of if you'll like it), until you taste it. A risk, is a risk, is a risk, is a risk, Nothing you can do about it when you decide to take the risk, except learn when you have had too much loss and cut the ties. Wishing you better luck in the future..........choose (and connect) wisely!

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I really appreciate everyone's feedback, perspective, and heartfelt support. I also have been involved with married men in my younger days and I thought I would never, ever get involved with anyone who was married for that very reason. @BenedettaC I did not want to be an after thought or secondary in a person's life -- with a man or woman. I have compromised too much and I deserve and want more.

You also bring up a good point that raised flags early on with her. She was the one who kept suggesting we meet, didn't want to wait, seemed very anxious to be with me, flew out here etc. It was a totally different vibe sexually after we got together and she was back home and she went silent.. I called her on it--about the thrill being gone after she experienced her first time. Actions speak louder than words. I thought things would have revved up but it was the complete opposite. Distance and time zones played into that too but she always had a lot of lame excuses why she just wasn't feeling sexual (she always had ailments/always ill and I swear she is a hypocondriac) or time to chat...that is when I should have said adios and I called her out on why she pulled back. Ugh. I can understand family and child obligations but she had plenty of time to chat before we got together. 

At 45, I have been around the block with dating and I am doing a lot of soul-searching in my life right now--career, life goals, etc.. I have not been in a fully committed relationship with a woman, only men, so I am still trying to figure it all out as I go.

@DIYQueen no doubt dating is a risk...not sure I would consider this situation with her dating but I totally get what you are saying. I took a risk, and in general it is very tough for me to take a chance and be vulnerable, but it is all a part of life and learning.

Thanks again, ladies. Wise words!

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I tend to go with my gut instinct most of the time. I also believe that things happen for a reason and people show up in our lives for a reason or a season...to teach us a lesson. Just wish I could learn not to repeat that same lesson. Ha!

I am feeling better after yoga and a long walk today. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Whether single or married,  when you bring someone else into your life as a friend or lover that person's needs, feelings, desires must be considered. I'm sorry she was so careless with you. I hope that after your time of soul-searching a person deserving of you crosses your path.

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, trueme said:

Whether single or married,  when you bring someone else into your life as a friend or lover that person's needs, feelings, desires must be considered. I'm sorry she was so careless with you. I hope that after your time of soul-searching a person deserving of you crosses your path.

Thanks @trueme Careless is a really good way to put it. I tend to analyze and overthink a lot (the Gemini in me ha!) and I realize that I never fit into the equation and it was not about what I wanted or was not even asked what I wanted. She claimed she took my feelings into consideration but it was all about her and her sexual experimentation.

For those who are new and exploring your curiosity, just make sure you really know the person, are honest with each other, and spell everything before you are intimate with each other. If you are looking for no-strings fun, go for it but just be honest and do not throw emotional crumbs to someone if you only plan to be physical with that person. 

This situation also confirms for me, once again, that I need a mental and emotional connection or it just will not work for me. I know everyone is different but I have never been able to just emotionally detach, with a man or woman, during sex. So maybe this happened to show and remind me what I truly want, and that I cannot be with people who are emotionally stunted and detached.

Radom thought...but does anyone ever just look at someone and their drama and think, how do you even function in a day? Ha! That is baggage I am glad I cleared out to make room for someone more appreciative of my awesome-ness. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I could of written your post - I went through the exact same thing 

learnt my lesson though :)

you can only go up from here - sounds like your a decent person .. all the best 

minx 

x

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@LilMinx99 I know many others have gone through similar experiences and thanks for your kind words.. I was warned years ago, before I even had my first experience with a woman, not to get involved with married women. Wise advice I didn't take ha! I have interacted with really nice and fun ladies on here this week so it is looking up already! :rolleyes:

Edited by Yogagirl34
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to hear you were cast aside with such abandon and carelessness and disregard for your feelings.  It's heartless, but maybe what you needed to break free completely.

I think many of us, myself included, are guilty of ignoring the red flags at times when we feel like there's a connection.  One of the big things I'm working on right now is paying attention to my gut and cutting ties when I see those red flags.  Rarely have those red flags gone away; instead, they've usually come back to bite me in the ass.

Most married women will be emotionally unavailable, or they will start to fall, then pull back very suddenly when they feel they are risking their marriage.

My ex-GF used to describe what you've experienced as being someone's training wheels, something she had no interest in (which is fair).  It's easy to feel used, like someone's experiment or oats to be sowed.

It sounds like a rough time in many regards.  When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?  Hopefully better times will come soon!

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@BiTriMama Tell your friend that the training wheels analogy is exactly what it feels like.

The weird part/ironic twist is that we chatted years ago when we were both curious but nothing happened back then. I tried to reconnect with her a few times but we remained connected on FB and left it at that. SHE is the one who initiated reconnecting with me and she knew I had been with women at that point. So I really think she had an agenda and I almost think she and her husband conspired it. To put it bluntly, she is socially inept and a poor communicator, and I know I was one of few women she felt comfortable with sexually. She got a self'confidence boost screwing her "bulls" (the swingers scene is so totally foreign to me) and then was desperate to have a sexual experience with a woman. She is  dabbling in a poly lifestyle and do not think she has the emotional maturity to even be involved in the lifestyle but that is another topic altogether.

Yup, the red flags got even bigger and glaring and she always was complaining and always had a hot mess drama going on and zero coping skills.

I was curious and exploring at one time, and it was confusing, and I still don't have it figured out. But I try to respect people's feelings. Just tired of the games ugh. 

Edited by Yogagirl34
.
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like she has a long way to go before she would be ready for ANYONE, especially a woman.  She would probably be better off sticking to the swinger's scene and getting that experience there than putting another woman through something like this.  It takes a lot of emotional maturity to SUCCESSFULLY pull off a poly lifestyle, something few people can really truly do.

Hopefully, choosing more emotionally (and physically) available women will yield you better results.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You hit the nail on the head!! You have no idea. I really think I had a momentary lapse in my own sanity by even continuing the contact as long as I did. :rolleyes:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes chemistry is good, and it keeps us in situations we know we should have ended long ago.  Been there!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just want to find chemistry with a sane, mature woman who is not a crazy train wreck? Is that soooo wrong?!!!! Ha!

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh wow. Glad you got out of that. Telling someone you have feelings for them and then completely saying the opposite of that is just completely horrible.

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm going to cut to the chase here, so I hope I don't come across as rude... why do you choose to be with married women?

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/05/2017 at 1:56 AM, Yogagirl34 said:

Thanks for listening, ladies. I was laid off from a job contract last week so things in my life have been out of sorts in general.

Sorry to read this :(  Hoping things start looking up.

Edited by HeartChakra
typo
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/05/2017 at 6:49 AM, BenedettaC said:

So...try to find someone with the same status as yourself...

This

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Yogagirl34 said:

I just want to find chemistry with a sane, mature woman who is not a crazy train wreck? Is that soooo wrong?!!!! Ha!

The dream!  Can sanity and chemistry coexist??

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As a hot mess married women, I am very sorry she treated you so poorly and took you for granted.

 I know I'm not in a place where I could offer another women what she deserves. So,  I'm not looking for a relationship or sex with a women right now, as it wouldn't be fair to them. Things may change, but I intend to always be to be completely upfront and honest with where I am and what I can offer.  

I know you can't help who you are attracted to. I'd suggest aim for a single lady, but if the next woman is married also, maybe just remain friends until she figures herself out =). 

Good luck!

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not all married women are like this though... Not hinting at anything. hahaha Just stating the obvious. We may be like unicorns and very hard to find but some of us know exactly what we want and are as upfront as any single lady about feelings.

6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, Katy said:

Not all married women are like this though... Not hinting at anything. hahaha Just stating the obvious. We may be like unicorns and very hard to find but some of us know exactly what we want and are as upfront as any single lady about feelings.

This is where I hope to be one day =)

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, HeartChakra said:

I'm going to cut to the chase here, so I hope I don't come across as rude... why do you choose to be with married women?

I appreciate everyone's feedback so your question is not rude. I have had issues with single women too. I was very hesitant and she knew that from the beginning, and to be perfectly honest, I did not listen to my gut instinct and this also went far beyond just her marital status. She had major mental health issues and was very emotionally immature with poor/stunted interpersonal and communication skills. I actually think she may be borderline Aspbergers. I have two sisters with special needs so I am very familar with behaviors and signs pointing to the autistic spectrum..but that is another topic altogether. 

I do not want to throw all married women under the bus and each person and situation are different.

I am still learning as I go. I have not had tons of experience with women and have not seriously dated a woman either. 

 

 

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now