Vangoghvanwhat

How do you put yourself out there when you have no self confidence?

17 posts in this topic

To put it most simply, I have no self confidence. I look at my body sometimes and all I can think is how can anyone find this sexually attractive? It's not even my weight (I'm overweight) but it's all my imperfections. I'm coming to realize I'm most likely bisexual, I have never been with another woman. I would like to but there's a crippling fear that when it comes to sex she will not be turned on. My last boyfriend made me very uncomfortable with my own body and because of that the thought of putting myself out there stops me in my tracks. I guess I want to know anyone has overcome similiar feelings and how they did it. 

 

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@Vangoghvanwhat  I will offer my opinion, first of all what defines beauty? I think magazines, movies, TV shows, etc try to to define beauty and this is what I need to look like in order for someone to "love me" or "be attracted to me".  I do not agree with this philosophy, I believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what one thinks is beautiful another will look at you and think, "did you hit your head on something"?  I think a really good example is, say you see a delicate dish, it looks so good everything about it you love and you just cannot wait to devour it, your fork is ready you dig in and taste it for the first time and it is the worst thing you have ever eaten.  Our society as trained us to look at beautiful things and want them, but dig deep within and you will find appearances can be deceiving.

Sweetie, we all have flaws and insecurities, yes all, even those beautiful air brushed women we see everywhere.  So how do you overcome these feelings of insecurities is your question?  First of all, do not listen to ex boyfriends opinions, they are an ex for a reason.  Secondly, I believe we are what we think we are, when you look in that mirror and say or think not great things about yourself, your  subconscious mind is listening, we are what we say/think we are....   So the only advice I can think to give you is this....

1. You are beautiful in every way

2. Words of affirmation are very powerful... You can find a ton of help on Youtube... but what you want to do is constantly remind yourself how you are a wonderful and beautiful person.  Tape notes all over your house, on the mirrors in bathrooms, on the fridge, on your phone ( could be your screen saver) etc. Just everywhere!

It is not an easy task and you do have to work on it but if you believe it your can achieve it or my personally favorite if you dream it you can achieve  it ( I read that somewhere).

Hugs sweetie and you can so do this!

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I recently read an article where a guy spoke about the size of his penis and how this had an impact on his self-esteem even to the point of it stopping him from having intimate relationships with women, until one day he met a woman whom he felt comfortable with.

He wrote: "In the end when I finally had sex it was with someone I felt very close to and trusted, and I was relaxed about it"

When you find that someone, it will feel right and you will feel safe.   The best kind of relationship is the one you have with yourself... the second best is with someone you trust.

 

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Sending positive and empowering thoughts your way. Try very hard to think of positive things about your personality and your body. Also in my personal experience I have been turned on by many different body types, mostly female ones though...lol. I didn't used to, but I do now have a stronger preference for females. But I will say.. body type, heavy, tall, short, thin, race. Makes little difference to me and I can imagine the same is true for a lot people. As you grow in confidence you should be able to see that both being attractive and being attracted to others is mostly in the minds eye. Its in the way you conduct yourself and in the chemistry between  people. Women more commonly in my experience know this to be true on varying degrees so, push on, beautiful. Connection and sexuality run so much deeper than the physical. 

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5 hours ago, naturally_lovely said:

Connection and sexuality run so much deeper than the physical. 

I couldn't agree more. When I was crushing on a new friend, another friend of mine commented "you're more beautiful than her. What did you see on her?" I explained that I am not after the physical feature or having a criteria that the woman should look sexier or prettier than me. It's the connection that's what's important.  Because she's my friend, I just let her silly comment pass. Having a beautiful body and pretty face is a plus factor. Having said that, I usually find that my attraction with women are not based on how they look. It's the unpredictable connection that always get me hooked. I notice her smile and eyes afterwards. 

I think you know more about yourself so ignore negative remarks that could demean your self-esteem. I believe in continuous self-improvement and self-empowering, therefore, if you believe that you need to improve your health then by all means do it.

All the best. 

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I understand where you're coming from @Vangoghvanwhat, because I think the same way. I'm not looking for a relationship but if I was I'd be terrified, my insecurities would take over. I've been with my husband for 16 years and am quite comfortable with him obviously. But there are still sometimes when I feel insecure even with him, not because of anything he said/did. 

Thr ladies gave some great advice above. A friend of mine once told me about an article she read about how words of affirmation can do wonders for your self confidence. As mentioned above, write positive notes to yourself, look yourself in the mirror and say positive things, etc. Even if at first you don't believe it, if you keep giving yourself words of affirmation, the theory is, you'll eventually believe it, because it really is true, we just have trouble seeing it in ourselves sometimes. Also mentioned above, the way we see ourselves is not necessarily the way others see us. I'd like to believe that women in general put less emphasis on appearance, we're more turned on by an impressive mind, personality, and kind heart. A pretty face/body isn't much without those things. 

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On 6/10/2017 at 11:58 PM, Vangoghvanwhat said:

To put it most simply, I have no self confidence. I look at my body sometimes and all I can think is how can anyone find this sexually attractive? It's not even my weight (I'm overweight) but it's all my imperfections. I'm coming to realize I'm most likely bisexual, I have never been with another woman. I would like to but there's a crippling fear that when it comes to sex she will not be turned on. My last boyfriend made me very uncomfortable with my own body and because of that the thought of putting myself out there stops me in my tracks. I guess I want to know anyone has overcome similiar feelings and how they did it. 

 

I understand. Its very hard to look down at your own body and feel anything but anger, disappointment, embarrassment and sadness sometimes. I've given birth to 3 children. My weight has fluctuated  with a 75 lb difference my whole adult life. I have PCOS, endometriosis and hypothyroidism. I have large breasts that don't fit my body- and they have the marks of motherhood. My stomach is a road map of stretchmarks and scars and I have to shave places on my body that nobody should have to, lol. I have never stood before a mirror and said, "This body is okay. It is sexy. Someone wants this." Because time and time again, both men and women have rejected this body.

I have been humiliated. Body shamed over and over. I have felt like the most disgusting person in the world. 

But I don't anymore. 

Here is the advice portion you asked for.

I think putting yourself out there for friendship is far more important than romance right now. Friendships always introduce romantic relationships. Someone always knows someone that knows someone that may be interested. If you can participate with groups and mingle with other women, you can overcome your fear of body rejection. And just so you know, in my experience, women are much more comforting and forgiving. They know what real bodies are because they have one themselves. I promise you this- my last girlfriend had NO reservations about my body and let me know it, lol.

Do not let some past relationship make you feel ashamed. Hold your head high.

A body is a body. And an asshole is an asshole. Your last boyfriend was an asshole. Your body is fine. And someone out there will remind you of that. 

 

Edited by cre8yourf8
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I'll just leave this here in case someone needs to see it:

 

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Personally I can be attracted to fat women, but it starts to bother me because it's often related to aversion to physical activity. So I think you shouldn't feel unattractive because of that, often being content with yourself and having a good time can make you more beautiful.

I have trouble "putting myself out there" because I don't really have any company to go out with at the moment, and I end up standing in the corner of the club alone looking hopeless and it's really not attractive. Although I am reasonably good looking / average / depends on the day. I also get hit on mostly by men which I really dislike. Don't know what to do. Anyways I prefer to meet people via shared interests so I'll just do my thing and maybe someone comes along, or not. Most women are straight unfortunately.

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I feel it will help you to work on yourself before putting yourself out there. Work on raising your self esteem and improving your body image as well as working on past issues you've had with boyfriends that have made you feel bad about yourself.

I can't give you a definite way to do this. Working on self esteem is differentfor everyone. Some can do it by themselves. Some people overcome negative feelings by writing in a journal or confiding in someone.  Some seek professional help.

You have to love yourself first.  Until your see yourself in a positive light it will be hard to put yourself out there and meet or trust new people.

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On 10/6/2017 at 10:58 PM, Vangoghvanwhat said:

To put it most simply, I have no self confidence. I look at my body sometimes and all I can think is how can anyone find this sexually attractive? It's not even my weight (I'm overweight) but it's all my imperfections. I'm coming to realize I'm most likely bisexual, I have never been with another woman. I would like to but there's a crippling fear that when it comes to sex she will not be turned on. My last boyfriend made me very uncomfortable with my own body and because of that the thought of putting myself out there stops me in my tracks. I guess I want to know anyone has overcome similiar feelings and how they did it. 

 

@Vangoghvanwhat I have the same problem.  I am quite fit, but after having three kids, it definitely shows. :/  Thinking about it, if I met a woman with the same imperfections, I wouldn't mind at all.

We'll get there! 

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I nearly cried reading some of these comments.  We can all be so hard on ourselves.  

I know for myself, when I had no confidence in my looks because of my weight, my husband also had no real physical attraction to me.  I lost a lot of weight, but then put half of it back on.  It worried me terribly, but this time my husband was more helpful.  He's been telling me over and over that I am attractive and sexy when I have self confidence.  It was a struggle, but I just kept telling myself that I am not bad looking.  And son of a gun - I look at my butt and thighs and think eech, they need some work - my husband sees a sexy woman!  Bless his rose colored glasses.

So, I would say follow the great advice given by the women who've responded.  Love yourself as you are.  Don't let anyone get away with taking your sense of self confidence away.  YOU have to be the first person to see yourself as attractive and sexy.

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Great comments! To me its all about how you feel about yourself that makes you attractive to others. I seem to worry less and less with each passing year what other think about me. Either love me for who I am or beat it. Lemme tell ya, I'm overweight have saggy skin, wrinkles, a body full of scars, greying hair...makes no difference. I've been with men,and women of many shapes and sizes. They like me anyways lol.

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I can also relate to your feelings. I'm new to revealing my bi-curious feelings to anyone out loud and my thoughts are although I have been told I have a great personality, sense of humour, and genuinely caring and loving to my friends and 3 adult children, I have an internal disgust of my body image. I'm 46, tired, minimum 100lbs overweight, and have a huge scar from 3 c-sections. It doesn't help when you work with over 200 beautiful, slim, young co-workers everyday. I'm in an 8 year relationship with a man who continuously tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful and sexy but due to his own medical issues and lack of effort there is no sex life. I'm a very sexual being who is very spontaneous and adventurous and he is more "vanilla". So years of getting "prepared " for a night of intimacy only for it to end in 10 minutes doesn't make me feel beautiful or sexy. I'm a loyal friend and a very attentive lover but I'm thinking my window of exploring my attraction to women may be too late. 

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It's not easy. I am not overweight, the opposite but years of judgment made me a puppet. To hear every day how not feminine I don't look and how  I am supposed to look by mothers standars until I comply to what she wanted. To feel embarrassed every time I went for shopping with her because she had to show and tell all my body weaknesses in front of everyone just so I would be convinced to buy and wear whatever she thought would make me look feminine. Not easy. I loved my body only the last two years and not fully, I still feel uncomfortable being completely naked in front of my husband, I still not dare to wear skirts because of years of judgement for my legs.I still stay in a corner of a room to be invisible.And I don't even want to start about my face :P

But I try. To control my insecurities and not let them out. What is in stays in. 

 

Not feeling in my best tonight that's why this opening. Might erase this  soon 

Edited by kairi
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I can relate to how you feel.  For what it's worth, though, I have only been attracted to women who are on the heavy side.  My current crush is much thinner than the women who usually catch my eye, but it is never about looks. That's absolute honesty.  Sure, I admire those who are stunningly beautiful, but aesthetics only go so far.  It's the person's quirks, mannerisms, personality, and unique physical attributes that I become attracted to. 

One time, I was completely infatuated with a coworker who was quite overweight, had a crooked smile,  and didn't really care about what she looked like .  I was taken by her intelligence, sense of humor, and all the things that made her, her. 

Also, it's a big plus if someone is approachable and not closed off. (Something I need to work on myself.)

Edited by Curious Jane
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